#compared to someone who knows what they're doing i'm a bumbling idiot

[felikatze]

diversity win my coworker asked me to install firefox and libre office on the company computers

[xhollowfaerie]

Dread of the Wolf

a/n: a little exploration into Rook's mind after picking to save Treviso as a Shadow Dragon. As always, you can find my Rookanis (Spookanis?) fanfic on ao3!

Warnings: endgame spoilers, slight body horror, angst)

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“Ir abelas” Solas spoke gravely as he approached Rook.

Kore had been quiet since Minrathous, once she had stopped sobbing. Too quiet.

Her face was tight with dry tears. Her makeup was a smeared mess, eyes swollen. Passed out in the infirmary, she found herself in the Fade, watching the same memories replay over and over, like a broken record.

Her face lit up, for the very first time.

“Is that a smile?” Viper teased, and her sunken eye widened for a moment. A faint wave of color crept over the drained features of her face. “... smile” she repeated, voice as monotone as ever.

“That's right. It suits you. I hope I’ll get to see it again.”

“Show Viper? Smile. I'll try” she croaked.

“No, no, it's not an order. Not something you do consciously. You smiled just now because I called that templar a bumbling idiot.” “I'm right here, you know” Tarquin called from outside the room.

Kore’s chapped lips curled again. She didn't understand. She didn't do it on purpose. Her face twisted in confusion before relaxing. It was strange. But… it wasn't bad. 

“I like this” she voiced. Viper's eyes softened.

“Good. I like it, too.”

“I don't like this, Ash!” Rook cried as she buried her face in her knees. She didn't know eyes could sting in the Fade. 

“He is alive” Solas tried to console her.

“Blighted!” She screamed at him, her eyes lighting up as the air around her sparked with electricity. 

“MY fault. My fault… they're right! It’s all… my…!”

As indifferent and calculating as the Dread Wolf strived to be towards his pawn, his gaze lowered as she wailed. It hurt to listen to.

It destroyed him to know the truth.

The Blight…

It wasn’t her fault. It was his. 

Her agony was his responsibility. Not only was she Elven, but she had been a slave. And now, she was his only hope.

He had long since given up on ever getting close to someone again. 

Not after her .

He couldn't consider Rook a friend. And although her delusion about her past was not directly his doing, it was still his burden.

He had broken her before they ever even met. By putting up the Veil. By letting mortal whims taint his resolve.

That was exactly why he had to use her. To create a better world, for her , for Rook, and for every other elf who had ever drawn breath. No matter what it takes.

She grasped the dirt, scraped it with her nails. Her voice was growing hoarse from strain, her tears pooling underneath her tangled hair, dripping off the tip of her nose. Some of the salt got inhaled back in through her nostrils, stinging. Her breaths hitched, worse and worse, before she clutched her chest. 

“I killed him.”

The dread built up, coursing through her veins like poison. She was freezing. Somewhere in the depths of her memory, she recalled. Elven corpses, laying still and cold.

“I killed him. I-I killed Ash” she choked, grasping her head in horror.

“Neve will never forgive me. NEVER! She hates me! She hates me so much . She’s right! It should’ve been me instead. I should’ve been blighted instead. I doomed Minrathous. I killed so many. Tarquin’s right! I blight everything. It should’ve been me. It should’ve been me! ”

Rook’s words were slurred, hectic. Her stomach was turning itself inside out, spilling searing acid into her throat. But nothing could compare to Ashur’s agony. 

“I’ll get them all killed. Every last one. Every single one. All of them. Dead! I killed them. I killed them, my friends, my everything! I killed them all .”

Kore frantically whispered their names, as if to not forget them. As if they were already dead. When she mentioned Varric, Solas clenched his teeth, remaining still and silent.

“Kill me, please, kill me instead. I’ll give anything. Trade my… freedom? For them… Yes, take it. For them. Anything, anything for them. Please… NO! NO, I KILLED THEM! I PROMISED I’D KEEP THEM SAFE! LUCANIS! Lucanis, no, no, no, please, please, PLEASE! Please, not Lucanis, not Spite. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Anything, but not Lucanis, not Spite… ”

Her panic began to melt into despondent lament. Her cries lowered and broke into a rhythmic ballad of sobs. She planted her head into the dirt, painfully kneading her fingers into her hair, desperately tugging it from her skull. Her body rocked in place, subconsciously aching for any shred of solace.

“ No, no, no, no, no, My Crow, not My Crow… I never told you… I should have told you… Spite, Lucanis… Ma vhenan… Ar lath ma, Vhenan… ”

Solas whipped his head away. He couldn’t watch. Those words burnt a hole right through his chest.

He couldn’t help her. What could he possibly say? What were his options? He thought to reason with her through Varric’s guise, but her state was so deplorable, he felt much too guilty to further intrude her mind.

A soft hand landed on the Wolf’s shoulder. He almost fell apart himself at the familiar touch.

‘You could talk to her.’

Elven words ghosted over his lips, too, but remained just that. A ghost.

Kore collapsed into a pit of serpents; they latched onto her, pumping her with venom, coiling tightly around her limbs. She wanted to scream, but she could no longer breathe. She couldn’t see. She just tasted her own bile, mucus and tears. Felt the fangs dig into her skin. Hearing hazy. Ears ringing. Scarred fingers tried reaching out to the sickly shaded sky, green eye trembling. It was too late. They completely enveloped her, choking her out, filling her lungs.

They were eating her alive.

Just like in Minrathous.

She had gathered a crowd of predators, swarming above them. 

Hungry. 

She was so open. So inviting. So vulnerable.

Her mind was held together by a thread - no, a black feather that was being ripped to pieces.

She started humming, out of tune, gurgling and nearly suffocating every few words. The demons grew in number and stalked closer.

Many, Solas recognized. Hurt. Shame. 

He thought it best to not intervene. He didn’t want to risk facing his own worst demon. The one that had been hunting him so eagerly, for so long.

“Hahren, na melana sahlin,

Regret.

Emma… ir abelas…

Souver'inan isala haaaamin,

Vhenan hiiim dor'felas…

In uthenera… na… revas…”

(Elder, your time has come,

Now… I am filled with sorrow…

Weary eyes need resting,

Heart has become grey and slow…

In waking sleep… is… freedom…)

The Elven eulogy.

He remembered the first time he had heard any Elven roll off of… her tongue. The warmth it had sent through him. 

The poem filled him with nothing but sorrow.

Rook was an important piece on his board. Her life was still useful to him.

He could hear her laugh at him. Lovingly.

‘You don’t always need to justify everything, you know.’

Ever since entering the prison, her voice had followed him.

One of the demons launched at Rook, drooling.

“ Varas! ” (Leave!)

The Dread Wolf knelt down next to her, shielding her body as his eyes began to glow. A brief flash followed before specks of dust floated around them peacefully.

“They are gone” he tried to tell her, but she was humming still.

With a huff, Solas pulled her out of the pit, knocking away any lingering snakes off her body.

“Ma ghilana mir din'an… ma ghilana… mir din'an…” (Guide me into death, guide me… into death...)

“Da’len. Listen to me. You are stronger than this pain. You have defied all odds. Risen above every expectation. You have inspired many, and saved countless more, at the risk of that which you held dear. Had I been given the choice of who to aid me in sealing away the tyrants and freeing the Elven people, I couldn’t have been more sure that it had to be you.”

She laid limp in his arms, lolling her head to the side as she continued mumbling incoherently, and he clicked his tongue in frustration.

“Being a leader means accepting sacrifice! It means doing whatever you must , whatever the cost!”

‘Solas. Gentle.’

Yes. Of course.

Abelas .

“Being… a true leader means… having those who believe in you. Having something to protect… And…”

His eyes dimmed.

“It means keeping them close. Relying on them. It is a privilege not many have the fortune of knowing.”

Solas’s hands trembled as he held the frail mage. His voice continued echoing through the emptiness of the Fade around them.

“You did well. Better than anyone could have, in your position. It was a difficult choice. Yet you persevere. Your companions are proud of you. As am I.”

Rook’s eyes slowly peered up at him.

“...Varric?”

His eyes widened in horror. He didn’t dare to speak.

But someone else did.

“You got this, kid. Now, go on, they’re worried sick about you. You can make things right, with Neve, with the Dragons. You’re not someone they can hate so easily.”

She had missed that hearty chuckle.

“I… I know… you’re right… I… I miss them terribly… I'm so sorry…”

“They miss you too, Rook. So show them. They all wanna help. And they know you do, too. Go kick some Ancient Elven ass for me, will ya?”

Solas helped Rook up wordlessly. When he glanced at her again, she had taken the form of a scrawny Elven child, beaming up at them.

“Okay! I’ll go do that! Thank you, Mister Varric!” 

The dwarf ruffled her hair and watched her run off. 

The Dread Wolf. What a fitting name. He would forever feel alone. Starving.

Varric nudged him, and little Rook turned around to wave towards both of them.

“Thank you, too, Mister Solas! You look scary, but you’re so nice!”

A swarm of fog floated over to Kore, taking the shape of the Viper. He placed his hat on her head and propped her up on his shoulder.

Little Rook giggled happily. 

Solas’s long, thin fingers clenched behind his back. 

“Lighten up, Chuckles. Look on the bright side! She doesn’t even know I’m dead yet.”

He deserved this punishment. He should be able to take it.