#come on! it's supposed to be better quality than theatrical version

[whereisyourpippinnow]

Poetry! Very clever, Macrinus... I've grown so bored, but you surprised me.

Gladiator II (2024) dir. Ridley Scott

[yandere-daydreams]

Consider yandere dollmaker. Coming into your room at night to cut off some of your hair to glue it to the doll of you. Stealing your clothes to put them on your replica. They spend hours making as many versions of you as they can. They even treat the dolls as your stand in, kissing and bathing the cold porcelain.

I went with a more direct route, for this, but I hope it’s still up to your standards. There’s nothing more fitting than a controlling Yandere treating their lovely little Darling like their own, personal doll, after all.

Title: Handcrafted.

TW: Implied Kidnapping, Bondage, Blood and Delusional Mindsets.

~

They expected you to get along with it. 

That was the worst part, they expected you to like it.

The doll was well crafted, you’d give your captor that. Its eyes were unnerving, unblinking and always staring, but they’d been painted on with a certain degree of care, gifted with too much detail not to seem hauntingly life-like. You’d been forced to keep it company for weeks, by now, but there had never been a moment when its hair wasn’t perfectly styled, its outfit unwrinkled and every inch of its porcelain skin more immaculate than it’d been the day before. It looked like you, shared a hair color and a body shape and, at one point, a name, but it wasn’t you. It was heartless. Inhuman. An impostor that demanded your loathing.

It was wrong, and there was nothing you could do about it.

Not unless you wanted Drew to ensure you shared in its fate, too.

You couldn’t be sure how long they’d been gone. It felt like hours, it was probably hours, but there was no way of telling time, not in the concrete, windowless hell you’d found yourself a hostage of. You might’ve found a way to occupy yourself if you’d been able to, gone looking for something to pass the time, but a series of complicated knots and meters of rough, braided rope kept you bound to the same unforgiving antique chair, your wrists raw from struggling and your back sore from the upright position you were forced to maintain. The space was otherwise unoccupied, save for a table with a handful of abandoned teacups and another chair, this one housing your miniature doppelganger.

Sometimes, you had to wonder if Drew loved it more than they claimed to love you. It wasn’t that you were neglected, no, that would’ve been much more tolerable than the eager treatment you actually received, but you were a living creature that had to be sustained. It was not, but Drew showered it in the same love and attention they showed to you. If anything, they were more careful with their oh-so-beloved doll, considering the bruises around your neck they hadn’t felt the need to mirror on your supposed twin.

You didn’t have much time to linger on the subject, a metal-plated door on the far wall swinging open, scraping against the barren floor as it did so. Automatically, you bowed your head, staring down into your lap as quick, soft footsteps began to approach, accompanied by an incomprehensible greeting and a sudden presence behind you, their entry only made more undeniable by the pair of lean arms abruptly wrapped around your shoulders, pulling you back and allowing them to better melt into the crook of your neck. “I missed you,” Drew sighed, their voice much calmer than it’d been a moment or two ago. It wasn’t surprising, they’d always been one for theatrics. “I’m sorry, I’ve been in the workshop all day. I should’ve been more attentive… you’re not mad at me, are you?”

You knew what you were supposed to say. They never failed to ask after your comfort, but you’d learned not to complain, not if your suffering was any fault of theirs. They said they didn’t care for ‘negativity’, and you’d been locked in your room long enough to testify to that. “I’m not.”

There was a giggle, light and airy, a playful squeeze to your bicep, and without further probing, they began to undo your restraints, starting with those keeping your arms pinned down. Your fingertips were far past numb, but you did your best to move them, to curl your fists and drive your nails into the ancient, splintering wood. The idea of freedom did little to inspire hope, though. Your prison was a maze, made up of too many locked doors and never-ending hallways to ever escape without a proper guide. If Drew trusted you with the smallest bit of liberty, it only meant they intended to take you to another holding cell. It hadn’t taken you long to learn that most rooms you were allowed to see were equally unpleasant, if not worse than the one you’d just left. 

If Drew noticed your dread, they didn’t feel the need to indulge it. Rather, a thin, careless smile was pressed against your knuckles as they moved around you, undoing the last of what held your left arm in place. You didn’t waste any time pulling away from the gesture, tucking your hand between your thighs as they started on your ankles. “You must be exhausted, I know how hard it is to wait around for me. We’ll get you a bath, and then you’ll be free to get to bed. That sounds nice, right?”

“I’d really rather just go to bed,” You mumbled, the request barely loud enough to be heard. Bed meant sleeping, and sleeping meant you wouldn’t have to look at that thing for another eight hours. “I’m tired, Drew.”

There was a beat of silence. Another laugh, and another kiss, this one to the top of your knee. “It’s part of our routine, dear. It’ll only take a few minutes.”

You bit the inside of your cheek. “I just--”

“It’s part of our routine.” They were still smiling, but it was tense, now, as forced as it always was when you looked too closely. Instantly, you moved to take it back, pushing your shoulders forward as you opened your mouth, but Drew was already drawing attention to themself, leaning onto your legs and focusing those unwavering black eyes on you, for the first time since their initial entrance. “I’m trying to take care of you. It’d be easier if you cooperate, but if you’re going to be difficult…” They paused, taking a deep breath and throwing a glance somewhere over their shoulder. When they continued, their tone was infinitely less jovial, a subtle change that worried you more than any form of discipline they could’ve ever dulled out. “At least your friend knows how to behave--”

“Your doll is not my ‘friend’,” You spat, cutting them off without hesitation. For whatever reason, the reference of their thing, their abomination, their monster was what pushed you over the edge, your hatred for Drew and their little hobby boiling over before you could contain it. It was irrational, the worst thing you could do for yourself in a situation like this, and yet, as soon as you caught a glimpse of the atrocity sitting across from you… It was all you could do to keep yourself from lashing out physically. Containing yourself on a verbal level wasn’t an option. “It’s… it’s barely even me. I don’t know what kind of fucked-up fixation you have on that toy, but don’t make me a part of it. If it were up to me, I would’ve burnt it as soon as I--”

“That’s enough.” Their command wasn’t particularly loud, the words growled through grit teeth, but the long, pointed fingernails suddenly being driven into the flesh of your thighs was enough to make their point, tearing through skin swiftly and driving into unprotected meat, only stopping when hot, dark blood started to flow from the open wounds, Drew wincing in disgust before pulling away. Still, they didn’t make any move to wipe away the offending subsense, only narrowing their eyes at the open wounds as you did your best not to make a sound. “You’re an unruly, petulant brat. I want to be gentle, and I want you to be happy, but if you’re going to throw a tantrum and insult something I worked so hard to make for you… I don’t know if I can endure that kind of behavior, darling.”

You apologized. You apologized, and told them how generous they were and your damnedest to make it seem like you’d learned your lesson with a minimal amount of pain, but Drew only shook their head, sighing as they moved to stand.

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to,” They said, retrieving their doll and holding it with so much care, you could almost pretend it wasn’t your blood staining its clothes. 

Almost. 

“Clearly, there’s someone you need to spend a little more quality time with.”

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Thoughts on Wonder Woman 1984

Came back from watching WW84. Read mixed reviews online. I would say mixed to positive is mostly what my reaction is to the movie. I really like the first Wonder Woman movie. I don’t think its a masterpiece of the genre, but its a very entertaining origin story with Gal Gadot being an inspired casting choice for WW and Chris Pine delivering a fantastic performance as Steve Trevor. The chemistry between Gal and Chris carried the movie, despite a pretty ordinary third act. What was true for the first film is still true this time around. The best part of he film is still the dynamic and chemistry between Steve and Diana. In fact, I was left wanting some more personal moments between the two. The film is split into three tracks with them being Diana and Steve’s track, Maxwell Lord’s track, and Barbara’s track. Of the three, Diana and Steve definitely feels the most emotionally earned and that has a lot to do with how the relationship was really built incredibly well in the first film. But you still end up wanting a bit more. But Gal and Chris make the most of what they have. Showing more physical and emotional intimacy between the characters. The role reversal of Steve experiencing the 80′s for the first time leads to some hilarity. 

Its the other two tracks which come off a little half baked. Pedro Pascal and Kristen Wigg are both very good, with Pascal especially having a blast hamming it up, but the film seems to think we are more emotionally invested in their personal arcs that I ended up being. When it comes to Barbara, it feels like she was inserted mainly to provide Diana with a physical foe to fight in the third act. She really does get the secondary villain treatment. Also, the film tries to show her arc from being a good hearted but nerdy scientist to a sexy and heartless villain, but while Wigg sells the two sides, the change feels too abrupt and unearned. Then the third act change to the cheetah version just feels like a put on for the physical confrontation. Max Lord’s arc is slightly more successful, but even that seems to be selling some type of financial desperation and familial failings with his son that is really not earned. We are supposed to feel a certain way by the end, and while it well acted by Pascal, the emotion isn’t really there because the film never really earns it. I feel the film would be better if they had removed Barbara’s track and given a bit more backstory to Max Lord and then to Steve and Diana in the process.

The one aspect that is surprisingly disappointing is the action sequences. There aren’t too many, which isn’t the problem. The quality of the action sequences is surprisingly ordinary. The fight sequence at the White House is probably the best of the lot, but none of the action comes close to No Man’s Land or battle of Veld sequences in the first film, or even the Themyscira fight vs the German soldiers. The CGI is also kind of fake looking with the movements feeling kind of floaty at times. Its hard to explain. The story is kind of corny with the wishing stone essentially being a McGuffin and the film feels like its going from one location to another purposefully at times rather than the plot driving it, with a sequence in Egypt which seems kind of unnecessary. Also, there are some narrative conveniences such as Diana and Steve magically finding a plane with enough fuel to get to Egypt and back. Also, the film definitely feels a little fluffy compared to the first film which carried a bit more emotional weight due to the WWI setting. However, I do think the film ends on a really strong note. Gal Gadot nails the climax emotional sequence. In that way, its better than the overblown CGI mess that first movie ended on. But overall, the movie is very inconsistent in quality. The performances by all four major players it what carried it to being a decent watch, but its a definite step down from its predecessor. 

6.5/10

Might re-evaluate the grade after a second watch. However, I will say that the film doesn’t necessarily benefit from a big screen watch as much as say a Tenet did. I feel people will largely enjoy the film on the small screen as well, since the film isn’t very heavy on the big action sequences. So if you only have HBO Max option and want to watch the movie, I think you aren’t missing out on something big when it comes to the theatrical experience of this film. Also, check out a=the pretty nice surprise cameo in the mid credits sequence. I expect it will play into the next movie.

[phantomofthepairofdice]

The Rosscars 2020

Wow. It’s that time of year again, only this time it’s different because it’s on a blog that no one will read! (hold for applause) Welcome to the first annual online publication for the Rosscars (hold for applause while the reader acknowledges how positively droll it is that I combined my name with “Oscars”). Who can forget such indelible Rosscar memories like when Steven Soderbergh surprised us all and won Best Director for Out of Sight or Bill Irwin’s beautiful speech upon winning Best Supporting Actor for Rachel Getting Married?! The Rosscars mean something different to everyone, but we all know that they mean quality choices made by a committee of one schmuck. This year’s Rosscars are bizarre because in an effort to be more like the Academy guidelines, film’s nominated have been released between January 1, 2020 and February 28, 2021. As usual, theatrical windows be damned, streamers are welcome. Of course, I have my gripes. I like categorizing movies by release year – specifically, when they become available to the plain old public like yours truly – not at festivals, limited runs in NYC and LA. Well, the Oscars are still weeks away and I feel like everybody wants to forget about last year and move onto this one that we’re already three months into - So here are my awards for the films, performers, and craftspeople that stood out in a pretty exceptional year for movies even though distribution was stranger than ever. 

**A few caveats and guidelines to Rosscar newcomers (which I imagine is just a formality since we all know the Rosscars so well)**

The rules and categories are a little different around here. First, not every category is honored directly. That’s for a few reasons, chiefly that I don’t feel qualified to reward the technical categories properly – I suppose I should say that I feel less qualified to do so than the “above the line” categories. In keeping with the Academy standard, there are five nominees in each category, except for Best Picture, Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature, and Best Ensemble Cast which allow up to ten. Every category, save those three, will have the possibility of honorable mentions, because I want to highlight some things that just barely missed the cut. The narrowing down of a lot of these categories was awfully tough.

Nominees are listed alphabetically, and the winners are in bold and italics.

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that I couldn’t see everything (this isn’t a job and it’s still $20 to rent The Father, y’all) and that these are just the opinions of one (self-described) “bozo on the internet.” If you’re a reader and have different picks, feel free to share!

Special Commendations for some things that I want to recognize: • Ludwig Goransson for his Tenet score which is an absolute banger • The costumes of Emma. (Alexandra Byrne), Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (Ann Roth), and Small Axe (Jaqueline Durran, Sinéad Kidao, and Lisa Duncan) all struck me as exceptional • Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross with their scores for both Soul and Mank. Crazy that Pixar is working with the guy who made “Closer” • The cinematography of Da 5 Bloods (Newton Thomas Sigel), First Cow (Christopher Blauvelt), Beanpole (Kseniya Sereda), and A White, White Day (Maria von Hausswolff)

The Rosscars red carpet was, as usual, a bizarre affair. People filed into the theater and it seemed like the only encounters were awkward ones. Vin Diesel showed up in character as Bloodshot, Aaron Sorkin started getting really verbose about what a lovely night it was, and it became clear that most of the celebrities in attendance didn’t read their invitations closely enough to realize that this was not, in fact, the Academy Awards.

Everyone’s seated, and the show is under way. After a medley about the nominees this year by Common and Seth McFarlane that was more corny but clever than it was funny, the first official category is here, and the presenter is none other than... Ross!

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Chadwick Boseman for Da 5 Bloods

2. Matthew Macfadyen for The Assistant

3. Jesse Plemmons for Judas and the Black Messiah

4. Paul Raci for Sound of Metal

5. Glynn Turman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Honorable Mentions:

• Lucas Hedges for Let Them All Talk

• Orion Lee for First Cow

• Bill Murray for On the Rocks

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Vanessa Bayer for Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

2. Candice Bergen for Let Them All Talk

3. Gina Rodriguez for Kajillionaire

4. Amanda Seyfried for Mank

5. Yuon Yuh-jung for Minari

Honorable Mentions:

• Jane Adams for She Dies Tomorrow

• Charin Alvarez for Saint Frances

• Talia Ryder for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Debra Winger for Kajillionaire

Everyone loves a montage. The audience gets comfortable in their seats as the video screens start to show a montage of some of the most famous moments from Hollywood’s most magical movies. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers waltz, gliding across a dance floor like two hovering angels. There’s a clip of Leo declaring himself king of the world in Titanic, the flying bicycles in ET, Bogart stares longingly into Bacall’s eyes, and then there’s some scene where Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle from 2010′s Knight and Day. The audience all seems confused how that last one got in there. The John Williams music swells as little Kevin McAllister screams when puts on aftershave. We see clips of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia embrace Harrison Ford’s Han Solo, Bruce Lee smoothly declares that boards don’t hit back and... wait... was that a clip from Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet with Seth Rogen? And that’s a clip from What Happens in Vegas... Bad Teacher... Vanilla Sky... Shrek 2... Any Given Sunday... Everyone is flummoxed. The last clip fades out and a sole editing credit appears: Cameron Diaz. The lights come up and there’s some applause, but mostly confused murmurs. 

The ceremony has had a bit of a misstep, but nothing it can’t recover from, especially as the next category is announced over the PA, and it looks like the presenter is... Ross!

Best Ensemble Cast:

1. Bacurau

2. Da 5 Bloods 

3. Kajillionaire

4. Let Them All Talk

5. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

6. Minari

7. Nomadland

8. Pieces of a Woman

9. Small Axe

Best Original Screenplay:

1. Danny Bilson and Paul Dameo & Spike Lee and Kevin Wilmott for Da 5 Bloods

2. Lee Isaac Chung for Minari

3. Brandon Cronenberg for Possessor

4. Sean Durkin for The Nest

5. Kleber Mendonça Filho and Juliano Dornelles for Bacurau

Honorable Mentions – a very difficult task to weed this down to five.

• Shaka King and Will Berson for Judas and the Black Messiah, from a story by Kenny and Keith Lucas

• Steve McQueen, Alastair Siddons, and Courttia Newland for Small Axe

• Kelly O'Sullivan for Saint Frances

• Thomas Vinterberg and Tobias Lindholm for Another Round

Best Actor:

1. Ben Affleck for The Way Back

2. Chadwick Boseman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

3. Delroy Lindo for Da 5 Bloods

4. John Magaro for First Cow

5. Mads Mikkelsen for Another Round

Honorable Mentions:

• Riz Ahmed for Sound of Metal

• John Boyega for Small Axe

• Daniel Kaluuya for Judas and the Black Messiah

• Hugh Jackman for Bad Education

• Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson for A White, White Day

We have a break in the action and it looks like Darius Rucker has showed up to perform what he would have nominated for Best Original Song. The crowd is absolutely furious as he starts playing a song that apparently was in Trial of the Chicago Seven. An ocean of sonorous boos and curses overtakes the the once docile crowd. The Rock just ripped his chair from out of the ground. Jane Lynch somehow smuggled in a civil war era flintlock pistol that she’s now pointing at the stage! Suddenly, the crowd unifies around what started as a confident chant of one lone audience member - John C Reilly. It’s growing... Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong - it’s like the macabre circus performers from Tod Browning’s Freaks, but instead of chanting “Gooble Gobble” they’re clearly pining for Darius to change his tune to the silly and delightful jam from Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga. Darius, scared for his life, leaves the stage, but here come Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams to deliver the goods. Busy Philips and Michelle Williams burst into tears. Tom Hanks nods in approval. A segment saved by brave artists placating a toxic group of fans... we’ve just witnessed a live version of the Snyder Cut, folks.

Jack Nicholson seems completely unfazed, giving a thumbs up to the camera and blowing a kiss to the next presenter. Coming to the stage is... Ross... again...

Best Actress:

1. Jessie Buckley for i’m thinking of ending things

2. Carrie Coon for The Nest

3. Han Ye-ri for Minari

4. Sidney Flanagan for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

5. Vasilisa Perelygina for Beanpole

Honorable Mentions – these cuts were especially painful

• Haley Bennet for Swallow

• Morfydd Clark for Saint Maud

• Frances McDormand for Nomadland

• Christin Milioti for Palm Springs

• Geraldine Viswanathan for Bad Education

Best Adapted Screenplay:

1. Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things from Iain Reed's novel

2. Sarah Gubbins for Shirley from Susan Scarf Merrell's novel

3. Kelly Reichardt and John Raymond for First Cow

4. Simon Rich for American Pickle from his short story "Sell Out"

5. Mike Makowsky for Bad Education from Robert Kolker's "The Bad Superintendent"

Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature:

1. Boys State

2. Collective

3. David Byrne’s American Utopia

4. Dick Johnson is Dead

5. Feels Good Man

6. In & Of Itself

7. The Painter and the Thief

8. Time

Jimmy Fallon has come out on stage to do a bit about the pandemic and watching movies at home. People are just absolutely not having it. He tries not to laugh at his own jokes while doing what I guess is technically a pretty good impression of Dr. Fauci interviewing James Corden as Martin Scorsese (the less said of this impression, the better) on what is or isn’t cinema. The bit doesn’t track and Fallon is absolutely tanking. The producers cut away from the stage to spare the viewers at home from this monstrosity. We see crowd shots of Millie Bobby Brown shaking her head in dismay, Colin Firth is simultaneously grimacing and trying to stave off laughter, Cynthia Erivo is texting, and director Tom Hooper is taking notes for his next film. Corden yells, “Carpool Karaoke! Remember?!” Ron Howard has fainted. This thing is almost completely off the rails.

Coming back to the stage is the next presenter, a clearly embarrassed... Ross! He’s in a total flop sweat, but stumbles his way through a joke about how Fallon should try co-hosting the Oscars with James Franco sometime. There are scant chuckles throughout a crowd that mostly just wants to see who won and go home.

Best Director:

1. Christopher Nolan for Tenet

2. Spike Lee for Da 5 Bloods

3. Steve McQueen for Small Axe

4. Kelly Reichardt for First Cow

5. Chloé Zhao for Nomadland

Honorable Mentions:

• Kitty Green for The Assistant

• Eliza Hittman for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things

• Thomas Vinterberg for Another Round

Best Picture

1. Bacurau

2. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

3. Da 5 Bloods

4. First Cow

5. i'm thinking of ending things

6. Judas and the Black Messiah

7. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

8. Nomadland

9. Small Axe

10. Tenet

Accepting the award for best picture is none other than Eve, the cow actor who played the titular First Cow! The audience is enamored with how graceful she looks in her cow gown, and her speech, though indecipherable, is likely simple, observational, and deeply profound for those who speak cow.

Wow, what a ceremony! Hearts were broken, property was damaged, dreams were fulfilled... blood was shed? Damn it, Meryl Streep came in and mugged Charlie Kaufman before absconding with the trophy. Oddly, she’s a previous winner, so the attack isn’t out of need for hardware. People are reading through articles about production on Adaptation for potential motives. Streep made time for a photo opportunity, but remains at large.

I could go on ad infinitum about all of these nominees and winners themselves and why they did or didn’t make the cut, but that’d be better served in a different piece. For now, my thoughts on most of these can be found on the Best of 2020 write-up and over on my Letterboxd. And, as always, these awards can be revoked and redistributed at will, so don’t get too cozy with that statue, Danny Bilson!

On behalf of the RAOGL (Rosscars Association of One Guy at a Laptop), thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we’re establishing a tip line for anyone has seen Ms. Streep or her stolen valor Rosscar. We’ll see you next year. Keep watching movies, and keep arbitrarily quantifying them in terms of subjective quality!

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: As Hard As Chinese Arithmetic

So far, this year has been a doozy, man. We had an insurrection at the Capital. Then a big-tittied, Goth Vampire, Amazon Mommy just triggered all of the interweb’s fetishes, male, female, and other. Then, a bunch of Reddit Sh*tposters broke Wall Street for the Lolz. It has been a f*cking ride, man. I’m just happy we made it to the end of the month because, f*ck, i need a breather. Plus, the first new film of the year, a proper theatrical flick, released in the multiplex, just dropped. Since we ain’t got vaccines for the Wuha and i hate society in general, i wasn’t about to brave the outside for it. Fortunately for me, Warner Brothers said f*ck it, and decided to release their entire 2021 film slate, same day as theaters, to HBOmax. The first flick out the gate with this rather comfy release strategy? The Little Things. From what I've seen, this cast is dope but I've heard mixed reviews. Curious to see which side of the discourse I'll land on. Either way, I'm watching this thing from the comfort of my couch and i kind of dig it.

The Good

Denzel Washington is, obviously, the best thing about this flick. Dude is always one of, if not the best, thing about whatever he's in and this is no different. Washington has been acting a real long time so this the of part he can play in his sleep. I think, though, that might have been a detriment because his Joe Deacon comes across as a little “samey.” I re-watched Virtuosity the other day and this character feels like the cat he played in that, which feels like the cat he played in Man on Fire, which feels like the cat he played in Equalizer. I'm not mad, mind you, Rampage Washington is one of my favorite things about Hollywood, but I think playing this character like that was a mistake. Still, it was fun to watch.

Rami Malik plays, like, a regular dude in this. His Jim Baxter is kind of the foil to Washington's more aggressive, more passionate Deke, and it's weird to see. Like, i get it, Rami wants avoid being typecast as the weirdo but, I mean, the weirdo is where it's at, you know? If the character is well written and there's room to really dig in with an eclectic performance, why not go weird? Malek sure has the face for it.

Jared Leto just plays himself. The character he's supposed to be portraying is named Albert Sprama but this is just regular ass, crazy ass, cult leader ass Jared Leto. It's not a bad performance but you can tell Leto isn't really trying to be anything but who he is in this.

The atmosphere in this thing is palpable. I respect that. Neo-Noirs and thrillers like this need that. They need to feel seedy, gritty, dirty. For all of it's faults, The Little Things definitely nails that. It ain't Nineties grunge but it does a pretty good job of emulating that kind of energy, even if it's really just a facsimile and not the genuine article.

Listen, this is a gorgeous film. The cinematography and scene composition are top notch. As far as a visual piece of media, it really does deliver. There's this sordid, grimy, feel to the presentation that really mimics David Fincher's early work. I'm a fan of Fincher's so I noticed the similarities immediately but, as much reverence as this content has for his work, David Fincher  this ain't.

This thing is beautifully directed. I might have my issues with the film as a whole, but John Lee Hancock put his best foot forward trying to visually craft this narrative, for sure. It's a little awkward seeing dude forge this type of story considering his more, lighthearted entries into the Hollywood collective, but he approaches it with the same flair and professionalism as he does those films, too.

The Bad

Look, I love the principals of this cast. They are all great actors Individually Together, there's no real chemistry, especially between Malik and Washington. I think that's more because of the lacking script more than anything. A lot of this movie feels like it's adequacy relies too heavily on it's lead's abilities rather than a solid script or screenplay. That's a shame because a crime thriller starring Denzel Washington and Rami Malik chasing after Jared Leto sounds like a swell f*cking times.

So this thing is a period piece. It's supposed to take place in the Nineties and, as a cat who grew up during that time, this definitely doesn't feel like them. Sure, there's little nods and everything to it like music choices and certain set dressings but, overall, this doesn't scream Super Grunge, Extreme Radical to me. Which, we all know, is exactly what the Nineties absolutely were.

There is a distinct, Fincher-esque, energy to this film but it fails miserably properly capturing it. Like, This movie is trying WAY too hard to be Se7en. I understand why it would, that film is a masterpiece but one shouldn't wear your inspirations so nakedly. Makes it way too easy to draw the obvious comparison and your entry will always be left wanting. It's weird to think that Hancock thought he could do that considering his catalog of film. Nothing about The Blindside or Saving Mr. Banks gives me confidence that he can adequately pull off something as macabre as Se7en and  it really seems dubious to me that he tried.

The strength of Se7en started with what was on the page. Fincher crafted this diabolical, challenging, degenerate narrative and had the perfect cast to bring it to life. The Little Things has the ambition to pull that same thing off but the script is way too weak for that. Hancock can't write this stuff, man. Indeed, it really feels like he watched Se7en, thought up a twist, and wrote from there. Basically, he wrote this screenplay the same way Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight and we all see how well that turned out. If you don't have a story to tell, don't make a movie. Nothing great start with just a gimmick unless you're selling toys and that only works because kids are idiots.

Bro, what is this dialogue??

This movie is long, man. Long and barren. One could say that it is actually really boring at parts. Now, I'm not saying that, I'm a fan of the slow burn, bu this was even taxing my nerves. I think, though, that a better script could have goes a long way to alleviating that. The fact that I didn't give a sh*t about anything going on with these characters really made it hard to stay engaged.

The Verdict

The Little Thing is a January movie and it's weird to get one of those in this, new Pandemic age. More than anything, it's a disappointment, especially coming of excellent January releases these past few years like Underwater, The Nightingale, and Paddington 2. This film does not come close to the quality of those and it's real deflating. I wanted to this movie to be excellent. There are a few individual components that actually are. Great lead performances, outstanding direction, beautiful camera work but the core of this movie is lacking. The screenplay is a complete letdown which is the most f*cked up aspect of this this whole situation. Apparently, Hancock wrote the first draft of this flick in Ninety-three and this is the best we got. This is the version that made the screen. F*cking trash, man. The Little Things isn't a terrible film, not at all, but it's not good either. It is an incredibly mundane and pedestrian attempt at trying to copy Se7en but it never reaches those heights. You've seen this movie before done much, much, better. If this thing as shorter, I could recommend it might higher but this whole ass, two-hour run time is a bit much. If you have HBOmax and time to kill, its a decent watch, just don't expect too much from it. If you want this to be your grand return to the cinema, pass on that. It's not worth the ticket price.

[happymetalgirl]

2019

Despite all the hubbub about year-end wrap-ups, and decade-end wrap-ups this year, it feels to me like as soon as the year is over and the next one starts people immediately stop caring about all the top tens and bottom tens.

I got really busy over this past December and, along with missing out on reviewing several albums I wanted to review, I totally missed writing the extensive year-end lists I had planned. Last year I had listed over 50 of my favorite albums and nearly 100 of my favorite songs, and I wanted to do lists this year that would follow 2018′s lists respectably. Unfortunately, time got the better of me, and it still has the better of me, but I feel like I still should at least offer some kind of closure on last year.

It’s not going to be nearly 150 entries, but I do want to very briefly give an abbreviated list of my favorite songs, my favorite metal albums, my favorite non-metal albums, my least favorite albums of 2019. I’ll be keeping the lists pretty short, but I’ll go numerically still, starting with the bad news first.

The Bottom 10 Albums of 2019:

Maybe it’s my being calloused to what’s awful, or just doing a better job of avoiding it, but I feel like I wasn’t as angry at my bottom ten this year (2019) as I was at the two that preceded it, and perhaps it’s because I feel like I got pretty much what I was expecting with most of what I heard here; not as many of these were tremendous letdowns like Bullet for My Valentine with Gravity or just horrendous beyond comprehension like Black Vale Brides’ Vale. But just because I expected the shit didn’t mean it necessarily went down any easier when I had to ingest it this year.

Like the two years before 2019 when I did worst-of lists, a lot of the worst of the genre came from obviously contrived mainstream playlist/radio bait projects from bands to which it comes as no surprise. This year didn’t include as much shitty political commentary (being that I could probably fill this list with NSBM if I actively sought that shit out) or nostalgic cash grabs as the past two years, but the staleness of the long-tired formulas by which these radio-aspiring bands adhere to in their pursuits of mainstream crossover (or maintenance) only grows more frustrating the older they get. And the amount of surrender by so many bands to Imagine Dragons’ way of dominating the rock charts has been similarly frustrating. Often cited as the new Nickelback, we now kind of look back on Nickelback with a little bit of rose-tinted hindsight with the realization that it was mostly their omnipresence that irritated us all, and the case is the same for Imagine Dragons, but I don’t remember quite as many bands trying to copy the very unoriginal Nickelback and replicate “Photograph” or “Rockstar”. But I have heard so many acts churn out knock-offs of “Radioactive”, and “Believer”, and “Whatever It Takes” in obvious attempts to get themselves into that band’s royal court on the rock charts. There was of course plenty of unimaginative atmospheric blackgaze and post-metal to be found, but even the worst of that was just ineffective and boring at worst and not so much torture upon the eardrums like the albums to follow are.

10. Bad Wolves - N.A.T.I.O.N.

We didn’t get a Five Finger Death Punch album this year, so Bad Wolves came to the rescue to fill that void in 2019, despite also releasing an album in 2018. Though I’ve seen already that FFDP are slated for a release in 2020, so, great... While I would say that N.A.T.I.O.N.’s few high points made it a slightly better project overall than the band’s debut, those highlights were not nearly enough to outweigh the bafflingly poorly arranged variety pack of trashy alt rock ballads and formulaic alt metal from ten years ago that made up the majority of this album. As erratic as its flow was, everything on this album was so predictable once you got a ten-second taste of any given song, a few too many of which reeked heavily of Nickelback (and I know I just got done saying not that many bands really copied them, but that’s how obsolete and dated this album sounds at times). It’s obvious trying to market to FFDP’s demographic and co-occupy that giant, lucrative SiriusXM niche with them, and I’m just not thrilled to have basically a clone of FFDP walking around, taking up space in the metal ecosystem to keep an eye on.

9. Municipal Waste - The Last Rager

It might seem mean to put an EP down here, but my god this was terrible. If it had gone on longer it would undoubtedly quickly make its way to the top (well, bottom) of this list. I feel like my negative review of Slime and Punishment and this EP could at face value be miscontrued as me just being a sourpuss and a way too self-serious critic or just having it out for Municipal Waste, but I love thrash, I love totally not serious music, and I wish there was more high-profile fresh thrash being released these days. I wish one of the few notable thrash releases I heard in 2019 wasn’t bottom-ten quality. But that is just where Municipal Waste are right now, lazy, run-of-the-mill party thrash that is so deficient in that real vibrant party energy that this style of music needs to work. Yeah, I get that it’s not supposed to be taken seriously, but it’s so clearly recycled that it’s not even fun, the one thing it’s supposed to be. It’s like the shit near the end of the human centipede.

8. King 810 - Suicide King

I really wasn’t expecting much from this album, and that’s pretty much what I got, with the added bonus of a weirdly amateurishly experimental flair to King 810′s usual street-cred chest-puffing brand of retro rap/nu metal. I imagine fans of the band enjoyed the added theatrics and the usual chug-backed struggle bars, but I found the whole thing to be just kind of ham-fisted and kooky. It wasn’t one of the more infuriating releases I heard all year, but I sure as hell won’t be eagerly returning to it.

7. Attila - Villain

This was another musically recycled album from a band that usually makes their appeal through fun, nasty bangers. While the music on the album was, sure, as derivative as Attila’s deathcore usually is, the primary issue with Villain was the soured attitude of the band’s usually charismatic frontman. Fronz went from being the life of the party (who, while oozing with fratboy energy that you really wouldn’t want to be around anywhere else except a crowded rager, you could at least count on to be cool and keep the party going) to that loud, overzealous asshole trying to turn up when it’s totally not the time and then getting pissy when met with resistance, making it about him and making everyone around him uncomfortable and totally. Fronz sounds like a drunk asshole challenging you everyone to chug faster than him at best and like a pushy frat bro at worst, embodying the title of the album way to much in a manner where it’s justified that he be viewed that way, if not generous given the term’s romanticized connotations. Silver lining: I listened to “It Is What It Is” during a workout the other day, and that track is a qualified banger.

6. Saint Vitus - Saint Vitus

I think this is the only doom metal album to reach a bottom ten spot for me at any point this decade, and I’m not surprised that it’s Saint Vitus doing it. The band’s self-titled record was so derivative and wholly unoriginal, it was like listening to a cheap Sabbath cosplay. It was so long ago that I listened to it in full that I honestly don’t remember anything specific about the album, but I sure remember how I felt while listening to it every time.

5. Steel Panther - Heavy Metal Rules

Probably the biggest letdown on this list, I actually really enjoyed the band’s 2017 effort, Lower the Bar; I felt like they had got a better handle on their comedic parody of 80′s glam metal than any of the three albums before it, despite it not getting as much attention as their debut, for instance. This one, however, captured the cringe and cheese of the 80′s just fine, but with the jokes falling flat or way too repetitive, it just sounded like a less subtly raunchy version of an actual hair metal album. It’s another album that’s just supposed to be fun, but wasn’t nearly the experience it set out to be, the difference being that this one’s failure seems to have come more from a bout of writer’s block than anything else, which is understandable, five albums in, to a project that specifically makes fun of one dead subgenre of metal.

4. Arch Enemy - Covered in Blood

This has to be one of the shittiest covers albums I’ve ever heard, with Arch Enemy earning record points for monotony on this one. The whole thing sounds like the band just tossed a hefty album’s worth into an Arch Enemy processor that just stripped away all the songs’ character and replaced it with low-effort growls and robotic melodeath guitar playing. At its best, the band offers up passable by-the-books rehashes of songs up their melodeath alley; at its worst they butcher songs they have no business putting so little effort into covering. And it’s fucking 70 minutes long! So they get points for the agonizing length too, as well as incompetence points (I’ve yet to hear a death-growled cover of an Iron Maiden song go well), and, yeah, laziness points too. So many of these were recorded already years ago as bonus tracks to past albums, yet the band couldn’t spare the effort to make the new recordings like a little bit exciting.

3. Papa Roach - Who Do You Trust?

I’m not even mad about this one; I knew it was gonna suck, my curiosity just got the best of me and I was treated to some of the most laughably amateurish lyricism and poorly dated rap rock and alt metal instrumentation I’ve heard since the Prophets of Rage album two years ago. Jacoby Shaddix is doing features these days with hit or miss results, but what the hell is Papa Roach going to be this coming decade? More of this? I just don’t know whose socks this is supposed to knock off. Who’s getting hyped for more Papa Roach in the 2020′s? Probably me, just to see how poorly this band continues to try to keep up with the already sluggish pace of radio rock trends as the signature style they feel obligated to keep a tether to ages poorly.

2. Skillet - Victorious

Now this one I was kind of mad about, and I was expecting it to be pretty bad too. Skillet sold their soul to the whim of pop rock radio early last decade and haven’t been interesting to listen to for a long time now, to the point where it’s so obvious that raspy frontman John Cooper started his own side outlet for his more passionate urges while he lets the winds of pop rock and Christian rock playlist curation steer his main project for little more than a paycheck. The band’s reputable touring work ethic is such a stark contrast to their transparent artistic laziness and spinelessness. Again, despite the formulaic broad-reaching rock radio fodder, embarrassingly cheesy ballads, the token heavy tune at the end for the long-time fans, and even the obviously contrived Imagine Dragons mimicry being totally predicted, it was still so frustrating how blatantly soulless and capital-motivated this thing was to hear.

1. Mark Morton - Anesthetic

I didn’t really have any expectations for this album, but my god was it the year’s quietest disaster of a collaboration project. I didn’t hear anyone else talking about this thing after it came out nearly as much as I did leading up to it, and thank god. The album is supposedly a solo project from the Lamb of God axeman, a distilled showcase of his creative voice, but the whole thing feels like it was in the hands of label execs the whole time and he was just the guy who recorded guitar tracks to all these songs. For some reason, a lot of these “star-studded”, compilation-album-feeling projects in the metal world don’t seem to come out so well, maybe because no one involved is bringing their A-game to a feature in a compilation album, and that is exactly what Anesthetic suffers from, and it suffers fucking hard, not just from the utter lack of cohesion and poor flow from track to track, but from the phoned-in performances of the guests on the variety of generic, underwritten, surface-level songs. Like, again, this is a project under Mark Morton’s name, one that’s supposed to be guided primarily by his artistic vision; you’re telling me, Spinefarm Records, that the Lamb of God guitarist’s vision of a solo album is various flavors of neutered rock/metal radio bait? And he was satisfied with everyone’s contributions to this thing? The whole thing feels like he was just along for the ride and the project was never even in his hands, like Spinefarm had the idea/opportunity to do a various artists comp. album but thought putting under Morton’s name would be more marketable or something. Maybe that hypothesis is totally off, but regardless, this album is a colossal failure on the performance and writing fronts, the worst thing I voluntarily heard in 2019.

My 20 Favorite Songs of 2019:

Okay! With the trash taken to the curb, I feel like it might be time to address before getting into my favorite songs that they might not resemble my favorite albums quite as much as previous years, one, because this is very abbreviated, and, two, because some songs really lend themselves to enjoyment outside the context of their album more than other songs. One band here lands three entries and probably would have landed a whole lot more on a slightly longer list simply because of how great of music their album this year was for me to work out to. But I tried to diversify this list a bit so that it wasn’t just my favorite additions to my workout playlist. The top albums, I promise, are a far better representation of the year in metal for me. But anyway...

20. Periphery - “Blood Eagle”

Periphery have pretty much crystallized their brand of djent now and spent much of this year’s album doing a little adventurousness with it, but the first single, “Blood Eagle”, was one of the more traditional, crushing, explosion tracks from the album, harnessing hardcore groove, punishing accents, tasty guitar tones, and emphatic vocals of both the coarse and soaring variety. The song isn’t anything new for Periphery, but it’s a tremendous example of how potent they are at their heaviest and how easy it is for them to disprove their detractors who lampoon them for Spencer’s clean singing.

19. Panopticon - “The Crescendo of Dusk”

Despite being a one-off piece kind of off the beaten path for Panopticon for a two-track EP recorded during the previous double-albums’ sessions, this song is a fantastic example of bold, cathartic blackgaze whose soulful choral climax is built up to and pays off phenomenally, and that’s not the side of atmospheric black metal Panopticon usually wanders too. It’s a gorgeous piece that is worth it for every moment of its 12-minute runtime.

18. Car Bomb - “Scattered Sprites”

Switching quickly to a much shorter and more jolting song, it was hard to pick a prime highlight on Car Bomb’s new album, but ultimately I found myself loving the tasty, effects-laden, Meshuggah-esque 8-string mathcore groove of “Scattered Sprites” and the rest of the song’s fascinating tonal jumps from Deftones-ish atmosphere to crushing distorted madness. It certainly represents very well the constantly transforming beast that the band’s fourth album was.

17. Spirit Adrift - “Angel & Abyss”

On yet another album full of songs that would have packed a longer list, Spirit Adrift’s standout moment on Divided by Darkness was, for me, the melodically soulful trad-doom power ballad of sorts, “Angel & Abyss”. The melodic guitar leads being the obvious driver of the song’s feels, the clean and rhythm backing and the seething vocal delivery are perhaps the underappreciated foundation for the extra emotive NWOBHM-influenced guitar leads to shine through.

16. Inter Arma - “The Atavist's Meridian”

Definitely the standout track from Sulphur English, “The Atavist’s Meridian” is a menacing mammoth of a song, twelve-and-a-half minutes of brooding, towering sludge and haunting echoed throat-gurgling growls. Even when the wall of sound gets less jagged, the lour does not let up as the band maintain their fearsome, ominous presence in the song’s more atmospheric middle section and burst back so satisfyingly to round it out. There are bands out there that stick to this form of sludgy, death-y doom metal much more exclusively and religiously than Inter Arma who wouldn’t be able to top this.

15. Opeth - “Charlatan” My favorite cut from Opeth’s most ambitious album this decade, the band actually sound energized and adventurous on this song rather than just playing 70’s prog dress-up. The Meshuggah-esque bass groove on here is of course right up my alley, but the whole song is full of actual progressive dynamic that keeps you fixated on it and it’s intriguing emotive journey.

14. Sermon - “The Preacher”

Being the second-to-last song on the album, “The Preacher” kind of goes hand-in-hand with “The Rise of the Desiderata” as part of the album’s climactic ending, and it’s as meticulous and calculated as every track on the album with its small, this song being a standout for its particular dynamic between is louder and softer sections, making it such a thriller of a track that serves its role as part of the album’s climax beautifully.

13. Misery Index - “New Salem”

I’ve loved Rituals of Power all year and there have been several standout tracks for me, but “New Salem”, with its gruff refrain and relentless powerviolence aggression, has been my favorite from the album this year, one of them top workout playlist tracks for me this past year. It’s a pretty straightforward, fast, brutal track, but god is it effective.

12. Korn - “You’ll Never Find Me”

From the irksome guitar wails from Munky and the thick and tasty seven-string accents from Head, to Jonathan Davis’ volatile vocal delivery, “You’ll Never Find Me”, is one of the (several) prime examples of Korn’s committed return to their old-school sound on this album that really fucking stuck the landing and impressed. That build-up to that fucking intense headbanging crash at the bridge is exactly what made me such a fan of Korn’s early work in the first place, and this song is one of, again, several that shows why more than twenty years down the road while all their imitators have come and gone, Korn have been the dedicated champions of nu metal.

11. Cattle Decapitation - “Time’s Cruel Curtain”

It was honestly hard picking a favorite from Death Atlas, but I felt like this song captured the album’s lyrics’ overall dread and gloom in the musical sense pretty well through the dissonant clean guitars and Travis Ryan’s melodic snarling, which is particularly gut-wrenching on the chorus. And it’s as fierce, fast, and disgustingly brutal as we’ve come to expect of Cattle Decapitation now.

10. Motionless in White - “Thoughts & Prayers”

One of the many vibrant, tasty alternative metalcore bangers from the band’s fifth LP that dominated my workout playlist this year, “Thoughts and Prayers” is undoubtedly the most blasphemously in-your-face, Slipknot-influenced cut that highlights the highs of metalcore heaviness the band have no trouble reaching. The defiant attitude of the melodic chorus’ refusing of prayers for help, and really the whole song’s self-sufficient denial of religion over some of the band’s most potent metalcore to date, got me past a lot of physical thresholds this year.

9. Babymetal - “Arkadia”

Babymetal on their first two albums for me have been a project trying to iron out their vision of J-pop metal fusion in real time with the first and second albums’ primordial experiments producing the odd hit among many more misses, but this year’s Metal Galaxy was far more consistent, less stylistically clumsy, and packed full of hits. And if this list was longer, there wold be several bops and bangers from that record here. And while circumstance had just one song in my top 20 this year, what a tremendous entry it is. The album’s closing track, “Arkadia” starts out like a basic-ass Dragonforce cut, but the triumphant melodies quickly lead into higher and higher echelons of catharsis with the guitar vocalist Su-metal delivering the most powerfully soaring performance of the band’s career. It’s like a Dragonforce song that blows most (if not all) Dragonforce songs out of the water through its sheer unashamed passion. And while I know there are many in that camp who stiff-arm Babymetal and would wretch and rage-quit upon simply hearing Su-metal’s voice come in, I imagine they would have a hard time denying this song’s power if tricked into listening to a guy’s vocal cover over the instrumental.

8. Rammstein - “Puppe”

While Cattle Decapitation’s “With All Disrespect” is certainly a gut-punchingly grim outlook on humanity’s self-destruction, this standout cut from the German industrial metal juggernauts’ self-titled album is undoubtedly the most chilling cut on this list, and quite possibly Rammstein’s entire catalog. Till Lindemann’s poetic narration of the song’s dark story is expertly timed and laid out, but his gripping, manic, wholly unsettling vocal performance, coupled with the rest of the band’s brilliantly scored instrumental tracking, is what paralyzes you in terrified awe of the song.

7. Motionless in White - “Disguise”

Another alt-metal banger that dominated my workouts this year, the opening title track to the band’s fifth album isn’t really doing anything all that revolutionary or stylistically original, yet it’s somehow distinctly Motionless in White and it succeeds and makes it here simply because its execution of such a straightforward, yet often fucked-up style is so on-point.

6. Sermon - “The Rise of the Desiderata”

The grand finish to one of the subtlest, yet most magnificent progressive metal albums of the decade (spoiler I guess), “The Rise of the Desiderata”, even outside the context of the album building up to it, is a tremendous work of patient, well-measured progressive metal that exemplifies so magnificently what that band did with such a small musical arsenal on Birth of the Marvelous. The slow, brooding build-up to the absolutely orgasmic finish is hardly a mere waiting game, with not a dull second of the song, and the thematic climax of “rise! rise!” chants the song finishes on is, for me, the kind of representative of rewarding and immersive journey prog metal is all about!

5. Motionless in White - “Holding on to Smoke”

This one was the sleeper hit (in my eyes) for the band this year; in the album’s marginally weaker second half after the slew of bangers that occupied the first, “Holding on to Smoke” is the perseverant anthem among anthems that almost single-handedly lifts that second half. But outside the context of the album, “Holding on to Smoke” is not excessively heavy like “Thoughts & Prayers”, not even as catchy as the bouncy “<c/ode>”, and not even as sick in the breakdown department as “Disguise”, but it more than makes up for it in sheer performative passion and the compositional consistency that characterizes the whole album and strings the determination teeming throughout the song together into a hugely triumphant banger of a track.

4. Periphery - “Satellites”

Periphery really outdid themselves on the grand, ethereally cathartic closing track to their fourth (and best) self-titled album. Unlike the directly aggressive “Blood Eagle”, “Satellites” is a much longer, more multi-staged, moodier piece that gradually builds up from bright, somber reverb-driven ambiance into several tremendously heartfelt and instrumentally full-bodied crescendos, with the band timing their bursts of heavy energy perfectly. Spencer wildly outdoes himself in particular with his gloriously high-flying vocal performance during the song’s cathartic climax. It’s such a great ending to a great album, and such a great picture of Periphery’s constant perfecting of their sound.

3. As I Lay Dying - “My Own Grave”

It was released in 2018, but I included it here instead of that year’s list because I had the hunch at the time that it would be part of an As I Lay Dying album, and it was. But the first song the band released after their unlikely reunion was always going to be a contentious one given the situation with Tim Lambesis, and being that the song was released at a time when Tim would have still have almost two years in prison to go if he had done his full original sentence of six years, the importance of the band’s first release since that whole terrible situation transpired is hard to overstate. Everyone else in the band had to justify linking back up with a convicted felon and reentering the fold of music again, and “My Own Grave” is exactly the statement they needed to make. During his trial and after his early release, Tim had kept pretty quiet, but from the one somber video exposition he gave before entering prison, it was pretty clear he knew and finally accepted how badly he fucked up, and that awareness of his own terrible failure, succumbing to evil, and his understanding that he still has a lot to do to make things right is what makes this song so vitally confessional and the determination expressed so powerful. And this all comes through not just in the lyrics, but in the passionate performances from everyone on the song as well. It’s an emphatic triumph in classic metalcore fashion through (higher, more real-life stakes than usual for the genre) the worst of one’s own faults.

2. Demon Hunter - “Peace”

This one is kind of the enigma of this list, a more subtle, hard rock track than the rest of the heavy, boisterous bangers here, but what an excellent song it is from the mellower of the sister albums the band released in 2019. Ryan Clark’s smooth, baritone subtlety serves as a veneer of calmness in the face of collapse as he sings a tearful welcoming of the peace from the pain of a sin-ridden world that finally comes with death. There’s almost a suicidal angle to the song, but it might be more representative of one’s readiness to be taken into a divinely peaceful afterlife after a lifetime of struggle, which is pretty insightful from Ryan Clark and captures that feeling in a tangible way even for people with (ideally) many years ahead of them like me, I must say. Either way, it’s a much more sober pondering on one’s own mortality and the temporariness of everything around us than its upbeat rock tempo initially lets on, the kind of meditation that gives people hope and faith in a heavenly afterlife.

1. Rammstein - “Deutschland”

Simultaneously subtle and directly expressive, Rammstein’s lead single from their self-titled 2019 album may not have been as musically outrageous as its grand, ambitious video was, but the song itself sure stands on its own just fine as a tense, conflicted song of pleading heartbreak to a nation and its history, and who better in metal to write a threnody for a Germany caught in the middle of the rest of Europe’s refugee crisis and its own version of many nations’ recent fights against a resurgence of right-wing extremism than Till Lindemann. The tone of the song is so mournful and heartbroken, as though it’s a song about leaving a lover you still want to love, yet stern and firm in its principle.

5 Outside Albums of 2019:

I’ve made a point the past two years to highlight the music I enjoyed outside the metal sphere, usually keeping it to a few mini-reviews of five “outside” albums, and this year it was certainly hard to narrow down the immense amount of quality hip hop, indie rock, experimental rock, especially jazz (Jesus, there was so much good jazz this year), and even some respectable pop music I heard this year. The paragraphs are going to be shorter this time around, but I still wanted to show my appreciation for these albums.

Purple Mountains - Purple Mountains

Formed by David Berman, the former frontman of Silver Jews (who helped pioneer the flavor of indie rock/alt country in the 90′s and early 2000′s that got me more into indie music) ten years after the termination of Silver Jews, his short-lived return from retirement from music through Purple Mountains’ sole eponymous album only became more tragic after Berman committed suicide less than a month after the record’s release. The subject matter was as confessional and depressive as anything from Silver Jews, my favorite song from the record immediately after its release, “Nights That Won’t Happen” (a song very clearly indicating Berman grappling with the guilt of his suicidal mindset), being an even more bleak song in the posthumous context. Upon learning that Berman had come back to music, formed this project, and made this record full of emotionally retching expositions of his mental state in an effort to pay down a crippling mass of debt (which I’m sure had a significant impact on his decision to end his own life), it makes the album all the more devastating and my feeling toward it much more complicated. Much like David Bowie’s Blackstar, Purple Mountains takes on a different light in the aftermath of its creator’s death so soon after its release, the songs on Purple Mountains pretty much as prophetic as those on Blackstar, though Berman’s foreseeing of having to take his death into his own hands as opposed to Bowie’s waiting for the inevitability of the progression of his cancer gives this album a much less celebratory, commemorative feeling than that of Blackstar, though listening back through it now with 20/20 hindsight really puts the similar element of inevitability into perspective too, and it makes it hard to really enjoy this album in a sense similar to how I enjoy most of my metal and most other music. Knowing that this album was secondarily a last ditch effort by Berman to lessen the burden of the tremendous anxiety caused by his poor financial state, and primarily a means of talking himself through his decision to end his life in the likely event that the album and its touring cycle didn’t make that burden bearable enough, it’s very hard to listen to and be thankful for this album that kind of indirectly killed its creator. The existential dread of crippling debt is no light weight, however, and the art Berman made and was proud of should not bear the brunt of the blame for what the procedures of a heartless and oppressive economic system at least catalyzed, if not caused. Purple Mountains is a hard album to listen to, but its tragic surroundings aside, it is a welcome return of one of indie music’s most brilliant and influential voices, even if just for a moment.

Denzel Curry - ZUU

On a much different note, Denzel Curry made a quick return to the studio after creatively upping his game yet again on his 2018 album, TA13OO. And while not as ambitiously conceptual or dense as TA13OO, ZUU was yet another banger-packed display of pure rapping prowess. It’s been stated that good form is just that, temporary, and a mere snapshot of an artist’s trajectory, and that it takes time and consistency to prove class. Well Curry is undoubtedly in very good form right now, and has been for the past five or six years and has been making the most of it, only getting better and better across his main projects and his consistently fire guest appearances. And sure it’s arguable that he’s just making the most of his hot streak by putting out as much as possible while he’s one fire, but it’s at the point where if this was a flash in the pan it would have been over by now, and Curry’s still going. The dude put out a megamix of spare verses already this year, and it’s killer! The man at this point, in my eyes, is class, and definitely one of hip hop’s most exceptional forces now that he’s finally getting his long-deserved acclaim. As far as ZUU goes, yeah it’s quick and more about tight bars and emphatic delivery than any grand concept, but to reduce assessment of this to as if it mere turn-up music would be improper, as Curry uses this album to jump at the opportunity given to him by the traction of TA13OO to elevate his hometown and pay tribute to his friends and family who have been with him throughout his journey, and shed light on the roughness of the reality of life for the people he cares about in Carol City, Florida. And he pays tribute to those who got him here with such passion and splendor that it’s tangible and invigorating even from far outside.

Angel Olsen - All Mirrors

I saw a fair amount of people (mostly outside her fanbase) complaining about Angel Olsen’s handling of her more instrumentally dense fourth LP, which I don’t get at all. Olsen had tread the ground of minimal indie folk thoroughly on her early work and she proved she could handle a bigger instrumental pallet on 2016′s My Woman, of which All Mirrors is a well-executed expansion on that bolsters Olsen’s emphatic sonic presence without suffocating her out of her own songs, which I never had any worries about with the raw vocal power she’s showcased convincingly before. And Olsen remains at her open, heartfelt best in terms of lyricism and songwriting on the album, no drop-off in emotional potency or sonic beauty, so I’m a little confused with some of the griping over this album. I love it and highly recommend it.

Christian Scott aTunde Adjuah - Ancestral Recall

It was hard to pick a from the several great jazz records this past year (so much great afro-percussion-driven stuff coming from the UK lately that has been scratching my itch like crazy), The Comet Is Coming had an LP and a similarly impressive follow-up EP both in 2019 that made thrilling use of electronics amid the energetic jazz madness and Matana Roberts had put out an intriguing spoken-word concept album tied together with some of the most eccentric avant-garde jazz instrumentation I heard all year. But I ultimately went with the dynamic and delicious Ancestral Recall from Christian Scott, whose impressively holistic weaving together of traditional jazz elements with hip hop and modern jazz atmosphere, despite not being as quite up my violent jazz alley as other records this year, I could not deny the magnificence and accomplishments of. The electronics are kept to a minimum and used only to highlight the work of the piano, horns, and percussion typically associated with the genre, but none of it feels at all unnatural or clashing, rather a cooperative interplay between old and new that elevates both and shows what they can achieve in harmony. And yes, there are plenty of boisterous trumpet performances from the main man to quench that thirst. But it’s an album about respect for the foundational work of the genres incorporated and expanding on it rather than demolishing and rebuilding it.

clipping. - There Existed an Addiction to Blood

My favorite non-metal album of the year, clipping. really took the campy genre of horrorcore to far more cinematic and tangible realms through their signature noisy/industrial approach. And There Existed and Addiction to Blood is a project where after hearing it, it left me with a sense of “well, duh”. Of course clipping. would absolutely nail an actually immersive and not totally laughable horrorcore album. The members’ experiences in cinema serve as a tremendous asset to this album as William Hutson and Jonathan Snipes produce an industrially enhanced horror score to soundtrack Daveed Diggs’ gripping rapped storytelling, which takes so many of the genres tropes and breathes fresh air into them to make them far more vital and consequential in this day and age. And the songs (many of which are serious bangers) are immersive, cinematic, and intense in a way that I could see a lot of metalheads enjoying. I could seriously go on about the chilling bursts of distortion on the twisted club turn-up track, “Club Down”, or the cold swagger of Diggs’ delivery on the industrially tense “All in Your Head”, or the suspense of the more instrumentally traditional house-hideout cut “Nothing Is Safe”, but I would be going on for paragraphs, and I said one. If there’s one album for people reading this section to check out, it’s this one.

My 30 Favorite Metal Albums of 2019:

Yeah, 30 is keeping it really short here; I feel like I could have included a couple dozen other very praiseworthy metal albums here, but this post is massive enough and I don’t have time for that. As far as patterns or trends go, metal’s respective subgenres largely continued to mind their own business as the divergent evolution that the genre has been undergoing since the passing of its peak of mainstream limelight has progressed. The metallic hardcore revival is still going strong with a lot of bands outside that scene taking notice and influence from these vibrant younger bands (Code Orange being the obvious prominent example) and their ancestors. I heard a lot more hardcore-influenced breakdowns and noisy industrial-ish guitar work this year than usual, and even though it graced that shitty aforementioned Bad Wolves album, the metallic hardcore song was a highlight and most of the hardcore influence I’ve heard outside that scene has been implemented well. The year also saw a lot of big, storied names in metal releasing high-profile projects and really coming through and exceeding most realistic expectations (with one quite notable exception), so a good portion of this top 30 is going to contain your basic bitch, Loudwire-type picks, but, you know, those acts delivered and earned their way here in my eyes. This whole thing has gotten pretty out of hand, and what was planned as a quick year’s recap is now a gargantuan mega-post, so I’m going to TRY to make these quick.

30. Full of Hell - Weeping Choir

It’s hard to complain about a pretty continuous sequel to one of the most addictive deathgrind albums in years (Trumpeting Ecstasy); I’m sure not griping about it. Weeping Choir may not have as high of peaks as its predecessor, but it’s a similarly compact, dizzying, and forward-thinking release that definitely earned similar respect.

29. King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard - Infest the Rats’ Nest

Thank god King Gizz released this, otherwise there wouldn’t be a bonafide thrash album in this top 30. Despite not really being a “thrash band” or even a “metal band”, King Gizzard’s adventurousness and versatility makes their adaptability to this style come as no real surprise. In fact the naturalness with which the band play shows that they have clearly always had a true reverence for the genre and have wanted to make this album for a long time. The album is as fuzzy as King Gizz usually is, taking on a very old-school vibe in tribute to the genre’s progenitors without being mere nostalgia. I doubt they’ll do it, but I can dream of more of this from the Gizz.

28. Knocked Loose - A Different Shade of Blue

Knocked Loose have quickly established themselves as one of the strongest forces in metallic hardcore these days, with each album improving significantly off the last, and A Different Shade of Blue being the latest in a string of stronger and stronger releases from them, embodying pure hardcore aggression with precision accuracy and efficiency.

27. Lord Mantis - Universal Death Church

Looking back through this band’s catalog (I hadn’t heard of them before this album), they’ve always taken a very sinister and esoteric approach to experimental black metal that makes them and Profound Lore a match made in heaven as a prime representation of the boundary-pushing ethos the label does well to curate, and Universal Death Church is a fine example of the band’s signature incredible capacity to make black metal nastier and more nightmarish than it already is.

26. Infant Annihilator - The Battle of Yaldabaoth

The Battle of Yaldabaoth is such a ridiculous album and such a treat for it, the unreal, gratuitous techdeath wankery so obscene, it’s impossible to take too seriously and not love for its absurdity. It’s a fun album and one that fast-forwards much of the increasingly fast and techy death metal straight to its next musical checkpoint.

25. Venom Prison - Samsara

A far more holistic death metal album than Infant Annihilator’s, Samsara is just teeming with performative power and calculated technicality. I had said at first that it wasn’t really much of a step up from Animus, but as I’ve listened to it more throughout the year, the band’s subtle maturation really began to show and the album grew on me more and more, so it’s definitely one of the year’s best death metal records.

24. Misery Index - Rituals of Power

Even more emphatic than Samsara was Misery Index’s reaching the pinnacle of their form of powerviolence on their best album to date, Rituals of Power, which suffers no loss of intensity in its incorporation of infectious (though still hardly melodic) hooks, and it puts them at the top of their league.

23. Demon Hunter - War

I had originally cited the more measured, hard-rock-driven partner album, Peace, as the better of the two records Demon Hunter had released this year, but over time, so many of the tracks on the intentionally heavier War that I thought might wane on me stayed strong and some of its other tracks grew on me. The album and its counterpart were such a refreshing pair of releases for the band that I hope revitalizes them going forward.

22. Opeth - In Cauda Venenum

And we’ve got the most basic pick of the list so far here, post-Watershed Opeth. That term has annoyed, frustrated, and infuriated so many within the band’s fanbase who have, at this point, given up (either out of acceptance or intolerance) on hopes of the band’s death metal sound ever returning to the progressive music they make, and I myself have found the band’s lack of ambition beyond simply eschewing growls and metallic elements on the band’s past three albums to be a bit underwhelming with the clear 70′s-prog LARPing finding them punching pretty below their weight. Wow, that was an annoyingly long sentence too. But Opeth finally came through with an album that did more than just imitate the likes of their prog idols like King Crimson, Styx, Yes, and Pink Floyd. In Cauda Venenum is a theatrically big album that puts the band in the kind of creative context in which they’ve proven to succeed in and established themselves in their career in it as the death metal pillar of the prog palace, and the band came through with a rewarding progressive rock album without needing to bring their death metal elements out of retirement.

21. Deadspace - Dirge

Dirge was not the album I expected from Deadspace, but it shifted them from their more somber atmospheric style of black metal into something so much more suffocatingly dark and sinister that they went on to produce another full-length album and an EP in the style of before the year’s end, and I have been loving the Australian band’s more menacing side since the transformation. The band’s first album in this newly terrifying style for them is a masterpiece of vile, demonic black metal that still features what has made Deadspace a worthwhile figure to follow in the worldwide atmospheric black metal scene, and I imagine there is plenty more to come from the tenacious Australian group and have been so proudly supportive of, which I am eagerly looking forward to.

20. Uboa - The Origin of My Depression

This is the first not-completely-bonafide-metal-album entry on this list, but it is a worthwhile and impressive one that I think a lot of fans of the kinds of experimental and black metal that incorporate dark ambiance, industrial elements, and harsh noise could get into. But it is an album as intensely depressive as its title suggests, a meditation on the turmoils associated with its creator’s gender dysphoria and the efforts to cope with and mitigate it that comes through in all shades of pain, from melancholic-ambiance-backed stone-faced recitations of doubt about self-worth to seething, agonized screams of torment for release from the hell of the creator’s condition over abrasive industrial noise. It is not by any means easy listening, and its lyrics demand a lot of emotional energy. Be advised. But also it’s really painfully cathartic and expresses an important and often quieted perspective for those not affected by gender dysphoria to hear.

19. Blood Incantation - Hidden History of the Human Race

I do like this album a lot, I really do, but it has to be the most overrated album on this whole list. So many people wetted their britches over this damn album and jumped to call it a perfect masterpiece of death metal. It’s a very very good death metal album, but it’s not beyond improvement. And, again, it’s good and I don’t want to be tempering the jubilee over this thing in this list where I’m supposed to be highlighting my appreciation for it, but it makes me wonder if this is how people who aren’t that into Meshuggah see the band’s adoring fans (like me). But Hidden History of the Human Race, mind-blown ancient aliens sci-fi concept aside, is a great continuation of the semi-psychedelic modern twist on early death metal that started on Starspawn, and the band’s progressive compositional abilities certainly do deserve a lot of praise, and I do hope that they continue building on this.

18. Inter Arma - Sulphur English

Another band making continual improvements on their sonic foundation, Inter Arma have never let their labels of death or sludge or doom or post-metal box them in or make them feel forced to pick one and stick with it, and Sulphur English is a fantastic example of how wide the band’s capabilities span, with elements of all the aforementioned subgenres mashed together in so many different configurations together and on their own, and it makes for such an overpowering record whose wall of sound really takes a lot of spins to withstand the continuous impact of.

17. Fit for an Autopsy - The Sea of Tragic Beasts

Okay, I’m gonna have to really start being shorter now, because now we’re getting into the top of the list, the cream of the crop of the cream of the crop. And I’ll be here until 2021 if I don’t slow down. Anyway, Fit for an Autopsy reinforced their melodic supplementation to their brand of deathcore on The Sea of Tragic Beasts, and clearly put the work into making sure it meshed well with their style. And the work paid off. While a lot of deathcore these days is kind of departing from that original “core” core that the genre’s early contributors established for more straight-up death metal and other progressive or techy styles (basically just retaining the affinity for breakdowns), albums like this are a fine example of how beneficial this evolution is for the genre.

16. Rammstein - Rammstein

It’s hard to be brief with an album ten years in the making, featuring the best song of the year, but I’ll try. Rammstein’s long-awaited follow-up to Liebe ist für alle da does very much pick up where the band left off in 2009, feeling like a natural successor rather than some contrived nostalgia trip to Sehnsucht or Mutter to appease fans for their patience. And for as much as I unpacked every song in detail in my review, the album as a whole is hard to sum up beyond simply a solid offering of Rammstein tracks, several of which have grown on me since my write-up, like the ballads “Diamant” and “Was ich Liebe”, and especially the whimsical “Ausländer”. Lindemann’s lyricism remains a strong point for the band, and the tight compositions another positive on the album. I just hope it’s not so long until the next one.

15. Slipknot - We Are Not Your Kind

Like I had said in my review, every new Slipknot album is one of the biggest events of the year for metal, if not the biggest, and aside from Tool’s underwhelming return to the studio with Fear Inoculum, We Are Not Your Kind was definitely the year’s biggest release. As has become kind of the norm for them now, Slipknot’s sixth album was steeped in its own turmoil, this time being the confusingly ugly departure of Chris Fehn. Nevertheless, the rest of the band pulled through with a solid album that did quite well to highlight the band’s various strengths and a good balance of classic Slipknot aggression with forward-thinking experimentation with their sound. Yet another big name delivering the goods this year.

14. Korn - The Nothing

And speaking of success from storied bands, Slipknot’s supposed nu metal rivals also really came through this year with one of their best albums in a long long time, and this is coming from someone who has been a fan of Korn’s later era, their untitled album, See You on the Other Side, etc., but the band’s increasingly more committed return to their old-school sound this decade, after the flop of The Path of Totality, has culminated magnificently on The Nothing, which essentially sounds like a modern-produced Untouchables or Issues. The songwriting is consistently well-measured and Jonathan Davis’ chilling performances in the wake of the loss of his wife especially give the album such a real sense of turmoil that heightens the intensity of everything around them. As therapeutic as music is in times of great pain and loss, and as great as this album is, I hope Jonathan’s grief wasn’t exploited or exacerbated for this art, and I hope he is doing okay.

13. Baroness - Gold & Grey

This album got a lot of flack for its indeed frustrating production, with a lot of critics not being able to get past the blown-out, fuzzy, lo-fi crackle that blurred a lot of the songs’ finer details away. And I agree that the band certainly could have put their sonic strengths in a better light with clearer production and probably should going forward. Nevertheless, underneath the hazy veneer of grainy mixing, Gold & Grey boasts great songwriting in the styles of Purple and Yellow & Green, as well as treading newly segue-heavy ground for them. And after a few listens getting used to (or getting over) the album’s production, the sharp-as-ever songwriting and booming-as-ever vocal performances from John Dyer Baizley really come through and are worth appreciating.

12. Pensées Nocturnes - Grand Guignol Orchestra

Arguably the weirdest album to come out of 2019, yet so much more than a novelty project, Grand Guignol Orchestra takes the creepiness of the often-mishandled dark carnival aesthetic and applies it to the band’s twisted brand of avant-garde black metal to make something truly weird and unsettling, yet fixating. The psychotic clown-like screams and wails across the album reinforce this aesthetic to the point of perhaps creating a new subgenre of metal: carnival metal perhaps.

11. Waste of Space Orchestra - Syntheosis

The work of two whole bands (Oranssi Pazuzu and Dark Buddha Rising) joining forces in their entirety, Syntheosis is a surprisingly cohesive and immersive project, as synth-driven as its name suggests and cinematic in its massive sound. It’s a weirdly atmospheric form of experimental, psychedelic black metal that is both serene and crushing; the artists involved clearly had this ambitious project in mind and they worked meticulously to make sure their vision was realized.

10. Spirit Adrift - Divided by Darkness

Again, really trying to keep it short here, but what an album from Spirit Adrift. Divided by Darkness is the album that sounds most like and reminds me most of the most recent perfect album I heard (2018′s Desolation by Khemmis), and the emotional potency bubbling up to the brim of this album’s doomy melodies and soaring vocals is similarly enriching, while not as ridiculously perfect as Khemmis’ latest release, Divided by Darkness takes Spirit Adrift to new heights and makes them one of modern doom-influenced melodic metal’s most promising figures.

9. Nile - Vile Nilotic Rites

The departure of longtime guitarist/vocalist Dallas Toler-Wade was arguably a blessing in disguise for Nile, with their ninth album, Vile Nilotic Rites, being a roaring comeback from the relative lull of their previous two albums, much of which is due to the reinvigorating performances of new guitarist/vocalist Brian Kingsland, whose more traditionally roaring growls breathe new life into and provide a fitting new angle to the band’s Egyptian-themed brand of extremely fast, technical old-school death metal. It’s great to have them back in such emboldened form.

8. Lingua Ignota - Caligula

This is the album that just got me. Very much in a similar, yet more neoclassically-inspired vein of industrial darkwave as Uboa’s album, Kristen Hayter herself has said that Caligula is also not a metal album, and she’s right, but holy shit does it hit harder than a lot of metal tries so hard to hit. I had been trying for months to write a review for this album, but it never came, partly because the subject matter from which the album is pulled is tender and not easy at all. But it’s incredibly important to talk about, and I want to give Caligula some of the written attention it deserves from me. Sure if I just put the album on for unassuming listeners, they probably wouldn’t immediately pick up on the manically shrieked and operatically wailed languishing and biblically proportioned defiance being curses of the project’s creator toward her sexual abuser, but the resilience she puts forth into these proclamations of insubmissive survival is certainly tangible even without knowledge of the heartbreaking history that birthed it. And while it makes tremendous compositional strides from All Bitches Die and Let the Evil of His Lips Cover Him, Caligula, like the two albums before it, is such an enigmatic album that feels wrong to consume in the conventional sense or without anything other than pure undivided attention and empathy for what Hayter is so courageously pouring out of her mind and body for the music. It feels wrong to just put music on as a background for room-cleaning or even working out that comprises real, unbridled emotion about its creator’s rape. Yet I know that everything about Caligula and Lingua Ignota has been about surviving that and overcoming that suffering, so it certainly deserves to be listened to and respected; I would posit, though, that if you’re going to enjoy the sounds borne from Kristen Hayter’s subjection to sexual abuse, its candid portrayal of its aftermath should at least serve as further deterrent from committing such abuse to another person, if not convicting you to stop doing so if you are or actively seeking to prevent it where you know you can.

7. Periphery - Periphery IV: HAIL STAN

Periphery have been a band who I have gradually come to realize I quite respect and rate very highly. Their Juggernaut double-album in 2015 was the major catalyst in this and has become one of my favorite albums in djent (if not my favorite if you don’t count Meshuggah’s music as djent). And while I wasnt as into their 2016 album, Periphery III: Select Difficulty, I have definitely seen this band’s continuous improvement and strong upward trend that their fourth self-titled record has continued. The band went for more than just thick, tasty djent on this album, though the thick tasty djent that is here (like “Chvrch Bvrner” and the aforementioned “Blood Eagle”) is some of their thickest and tastiest. But the band expanded their sound to more ethereal corners that produced impressively cathartic results (such as the aforementioned “Satellites”, and the swaggering “Crush”, and the bright “Garden in the Bones”). Major respect to this band that keeps getting better and making it harder on their stubborn detractors.

6. As I Lay Dying - Shaped by Fire

To say this album was controversial would be an understatement, and to point out that it was important that As I Lay Dying  come through in several big ways would be as well. Yet for every bit of vocal disapproval and expression of how irredeemable Tim Lambesis was there seemed equal rejoicing about the metalcore legends’ return. It was important, though, that the band come through with and album the showed their understanding of the heaviness of the context and didn’t come across as trying to bypass it or sweep things under the rug, and they did a tremendous job of rising to the occasion. The band continued where they left off before their disbandment as the strongest force in metalcore, sounding even more impassioned and vital upon their return, clearly enriched by the real-life consequentiality of their music. And while it certainly looks even more impressive given the withering state of NWOAHM metalcore in 2019, let that not detract from the incredible power of the genre’s juggernauts’ return to and improvement upon their best form of themselves before their disbandment.

5. Motionless in White - Disguise

When this album came out I honestly didn’t have a lot of hope invested in it. I had hoped that the band would expand on the best tracks from their previous album, Graveyard Shift, the alternative metal bangers, and focus on what worked well for those songs, and to my surprise that’s actually what the band did on Disguise. I had initially said that the high points on Disguise were not as high as the peaks on Graveyard Shift but after listening to Disguise so much this year, it’s shown itself to me to be such a ln impressive improvement on the direction that Motionless in White we’re heading in, and to put it any lower on this list for the sheer fact that it’s not a particularly critic-friendly album would be dishonest. But after getting more into their catalogue I think that this band are one of the best in their field, and sure, they’re very much an amalgamation of their influences, but goddamn do they channel those influences so effectively into so many flavors of delicious, nu metal, gothy, metalcore bangers. And it’s totally accessible too, I wish more of the bands who are trying to achieve more mainstream success would take the approach Motionless in White are taking, because this shit is actually really fucking enjoyable and full of soul.

4. Numenorean - Adore

Making strides from their debut full-length, Numenorean’s sophomore album is a great example of atmospheric blackgaze at its best without resorting to cheap Deafheaven imitation. Numenorean have found their own way to harness the power of blackgaze into emotionally vibrant compositions that come through triumphantly. I just hope the band can keep this up and expand on what they did here.

3. Car Bomb - Mordial

I had this as the number one album for a hot minute, and even teased about it maybe being a perfect release in my eyes as well, and even though it’s neither of those things, Car Bomb’s deeper foray into melodic and slightly atmospheric territory with their Meshuggah-esque brand of technical mathcore produced some seriously impressive results that I can’t wait to hear more of in the coming years.

2. Sermon - Birth of the Marvelous

I already said so much about this debut album, and it was so close to clinching that top spot, but Sermon deserve to be basking in so much more acclaim than I have seen for them, as this album is a nearly perfect prog metal example of how to do a lot with relatively little. I had expressed my disappointment in Soen’s and Tool’s albums this year, but I think this album really fits nicely into that cleaner section of progressive metal and knocks it out of the park. I know I’m repeating myself a lot from my review, but every little detail and accent is expertly calculated to make as positive of an impact as possible on the album, every note is arranged with both microscopic precision and with the grander scheme in mind, and I cannot get over how mind-blowingly well done this album is with so few bells and whistles or shortcuts. This is THE new band to keep an eye on.

1. Cattle Decapitation - Death Atlas

I don’t know if I like giving the top spot to such a grim, hopeless album, but fuck have Cattle Decapitation earned it, and I can’t blame them for their pessimism either. After aptly applying the disgustingness of goregrind to commentary on human mistreatment of animals and the ugly underbelly of the food industry, Cattle Decapitation turned their sound and their scope to even grander proportions, expanding the boundaries of deathgrind and the possibilities of dirty vocal technique to criticize humankind’s fucking up of the entire planet and foretelling the catastrophe that science has long foreseen. Despite their already bleak outlook on Monolith of Inhumanity and The Anthropocene Extinction, Cattle Decapitation somehow sound even more hopeless in Death Atlas, and Travis Ryan’s greater expansion of his melodic vocal application helps facilitate this, and the band takes their ever-furious rapid grinding battery through so many channels to enhance its epic scope. I should probably try my best not the just regurgitate my very long review of this album, but the band are essentially reading humanity its eulogy in advance and beckoning the end of our species in no romantic fashion, beckoning the universe to ruthlessly purge the species they refer to as a shit stain and move on like we never even happened. This is obviously an exaggeration of their frustration at the inaction and denial of many of the consequences our actions are inviting into our future, but it’s so fitting for the grave circumstances at hand. If there’s any band whose lyrics and sound represent humankind’s self-inflicted ecological apocalypse, it’s Cattle Decapitation, and of there’s any album that paints an adequately dismal picture in fittingly horrifying bluntness of where the world is headed that needs to be understood, it’s Death Atlas. The best and most important album of the year.

And that’s it. 2019, great as always for a genre that refuses to go quietly into the night. A lot of people have been doing decade-summarizing lists, but seeing how long this was, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. Maybe I’ll just post a quick tribute to a few of my favorite albums of the decade that I didn’t get to write about before. But for now, 2019 is over, here’s to 2020, it’s going to be a big year, and I have a few things about that I need to say about that, so that’ll be coming soon too.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: FOSSE/VERDON

Are you ready for another prestige limited series from FX? Do you like the legitimate THE-A-TRE? Can you do jazz hands upon request? Well then Fosse/Verdon might be for you. MAYBE.

But what about the wigs? Let’s discuss. As this an eight episode series, I will be updating this post weekly and adjusting whether or not the wigs do or do not wurq. Spoilers, obvs.

So this show is about legendary director/choreographer Bob Fosse and his wife/Broadway legend, Gwen Verdon. If you have never heard of either, I suggest that you stop reading because this show is definitely not for you. Sorry? Produced by Lin-Manuel Miranda and directed by Hamilton’s Thomas Kail, this show is made ONLY for theater megageeks and basically no one else. As a former drama club president who definitely got Joel Grey’s autograph after seeing the original Broadway revival cast of Chicago, I thought I fit that bill but after watching this thing, I don’t even know that I qualify. My husband, who spent most of the episode asking questions until finally just deeming the whole thing “boring” was absolutely not the key demographic and yes he went into this knowing who these two people are and has seen several musicals. Similar limited series focusing on very specific pop culture such as Feud: Bette and Joan did a much better job catering to the uninitiated. 

EPISODE ONE: LIFE IS A CABARET

We begin at the end, then go straight to the middle, which is: a choice. We first see Sam Rockwell in old man makeup (sorry - I could find no images of this to share) and then backtrack. Much of this episode is focused on Fosse’s transition from choreographer to film director. This is when Fosse had already lost much of his hair and had a bad combover and Rockwell is given this wig that is giving me Ed Harris circa 1998 feels and like all bad man wigs, looks terrible from the back.

We are then plunged straight into production for the film version of Sweet Charity without any explanation of anything other than the fact that (duh) he’s directing the iconic Big Spender number. But wait - there’s a twist! Turns out Michelle Williams as Gwen Verdon did a lot of the directing! DUN DUN DUN. I am all for giving ladies their propers and approaching narratives as if they are Glenn Close’s The Wife character but this does not change the fact that this red Marilyn Monroe wig is not very good. 

This is all very Theatre-y with a capital T and an ending in RE NOT ER. Everything has a Theatre quality to it - but not in that Tony winning Hamilton way, more in that Emmy winning Grease: Live! way (Kail directed both) which is to say that there is no immediacy or intimacy to anything - all the characters feel like they are far away, performing on a stage - and it leaves the viewer feeling empty and, well, bored. TV and stage are just not the same! Oh, and Fosse just found out that movies and stage are not the same because Sweet Charity was a big flop! Look at how sad they are in their gorgeous apartment and terrible, bent wigs with backs that jut out from their necks! THE HORROR!

So then Paul Reiser shows up. He is fine and I’m glad he’s getting work and he’s thankfully not wearing a wig! When a new character shows up in this show, you spend the first five minutes or so trying to figure out who they are supposed to be playing, like an IMDb charades game since no one explains who they are and simply give vague context clues. At first, I thought he was Neil Simon, then he mentioned making a movie with homosexuals and Nazis so I was like: DEFINITELY MEL BROOKS but it turns out it he is Cabaret producer Cy Feuer. You, know - CY FEUER? You don’t?? WELL WE’RE NOT GOING TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU WE ARE FOSSE/VERDON.

Aaaaanyway, Fosse gets the job of directing Cabaret and goes to Munich and meets Liza Minnelli who in this tv reality looks like this which is not how Liza Minnelli ever looked. AND THIS WIG. AT LEAST GIVE LIZA A GOOD WIG NOT ONE YOU FOUND AT RICKY’S. NEXT.

Then Paul Reiser gives Sam Rockwell a lot of guff about taking too long to direct things and not deciding about costumes and hiring ugly German prostitutes to be extras yet somehow allows him to wear these really ugly shoes. Throughout, Rockwell’s wig is a mess of a tumbleweave, not unlike this show. And then Michelle Williams shows up to save his ass like all capable ladies ever and even goes to buy a gorilla suit in NYC only to arrive back in Munich where Rockwell is boning some German translator who looks way too much like Ann Reinking. There’s also a lot of nonlinear theatrical vignettes into Fosse’s past that play like, well, All That Jazz. Which this is not. 

In the end, we go back to old man Fosse, and it is told to us that he has only EIGHT MORE MINUTES TO LIVE. Kudos to the production team for somehow trying to turn  Bob Fosse’s 1987 death into a thriller. Spoiler: it’s not.

EPISODE TWO: WHO’S GOT THE PAIN?

We (obvs?) begin in Majorca, where 70s-era Fosse and Verdon have gone to patch up their marriage. Also can you think of a more bougie place to go in the 70s to patch up your fancy marriage? There are a lot of scenes on the beach where Sam Rockwell’s 90s Ed Harris wig gets blown around and Michelle Williams cries into a cardigan. And because misery loves company, apparently their best friends, the Neil Simons, are along for the ride. Joan Simon is Gwenny’s best gal pal and her wig is something one might find in a pile of Halloween wigs to play Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction.

We then travel back to 1955, or “267 since Gwen Verdon’s first Tony Award.” Yes, this show is still doing this insufferable titling which really is a lot of fun facts that add up to nothing. Regardless, we’re at the point where Verdon and Fosse meet as he “auditions” her for Damn Yankees which he is to choreograph. I have to say that this scene, with both actors dancing and wearing much better wigs than their characters wear in the 70s (still terrible though!) was pretty fun! They can dance! 

They also obvs fall very much in love, though weirdly the scene of them actually having sex for the first time is buried in a montage. You have very odd priorities, Fosse/Verdon! Complicating matters is Gwen’s perpetually bent wig, Fosse’s kind of ok in comparison wig, and oh and the fact that he’s married!

This show not only wants but DEMANDS that you wikipedia everything that is happening, mainly from its distinct lack of good storytelling. Anyway, Fosse’s 2nd wife was Joan McCracken and OMG CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A PRESTIGE TV SHOW ABOUT HER? Wiki tells me that her first husband ended up being Truman Capote’s lover and that Capote based the character of Holly Golightly on her and seriously why are we wasting our time on this Fosse/Verdon mess when we could be learning more about her?!?! Anyway, what the show does tell us is that she has a mysterious illness that makes her sometimes not be able to walk (Wiki explained that she had some heart attacks around this time). Also, she is no fool and fully realizes that Fosse is gonna leave her fabulous ass for Gwenny - just the way he left his first wife for her! Also please look at Sam’s terrible lace front here. Also Joan’s wig is very much Joan Allen in Pleasantville which is to say: the best wig on this show. 

Anyway, the rest of the episode is devoted to working out some musical kinks in Damn Yankees and watching Michelle Williams dance around in a bad wig. Oh, and then finally leave Fosse in Majorca when she realizes he’s about to leave HER fabulous ass for some German translator (I’m sensing a theme here). And the show ends trying to make Joan McCracken’s death into a thriller! Spoiler: Wikipedia tells me she died in 1961! Wikipedia is a much better show than this, also. 

EPISODE THREE: ME AND MY BABY

We begin in some random editing suite where Fosse has gone to begin editing Cabaret and because this show cannot and will not stop trying to be All that Jazz (which I rewatched this weekend and LORDT IS THIS SHOW TRYING TO BE THAT MOVIE - AND ALSO BOTH ARE GARBAGE!) there is an elaborate dance number with random editing assistant (?) ladies. The one good part of this is: Sam Rockwell dancing. Otherwise: garbage fire.

Speaking of garbage fires, the (4 hour!) rough edit of Cabaret that the editors put together for Fosse while he was in Majorca (which he was really pissed about because HOW DARE THEY DO THEIR JOBS) is a friggin mess. Speaking of messes, THE BACK OF THIS WIG. Is Fosse a monk? What is happening here? However, I do appreciate the casting of the dude who played SpongeBob on Broadway as Joel Grey. 

Back at Casa Verdon, where Fosse DOES NOT LIVE ANYMORE, Gwenny is making dinner and trying to get her own career back together when Fosse shows up unannounced with Chinese food and pleas for Gwenny to help him edit the mess that is Cabaret. RUDE! Gwenny and her bent wig have their own dinner dates with her agent, Peter Scolari at the Russian Tea Room to get to THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

Thus, Gwenny leaves their daughter with Fosse and his epic combover at the editing suite to go to her dinner date and HE CAN’T EVEN HANDLE being with his tween daughter for a few hours (since he definitely has to make time to bone his editing assistant) and ropes Norbert Leo Butz in a very shaggy wig to come hang out with his kid in a hotel room. Gwenny is NOT HAVING IT. 

Even though Butz basically just ate a bunch of sloppy food and made the daughter watch a b horror movie, Gwenny points out that leaving a tweenage daughter with a random dude in a hotel room is INAPPROPRIATE EVEN IF THAT DUDE WROTE MARTY WHICH IS A PERFECT MOVIE. 

This makes her reflect on her own (somehow very Magdalene-Sisters-like) tweenage years (as played by a younger actress whose image could NOT be found on the internet, gurl) when she was raped and impregnated and then slut-shamed by her parents into marrying a much older alcoholic. YIKES. 

So back in the 70s,  despite the fact that she’s in some rando straight play called Children! Children! (yes really) which is being directed by a condescending asshole and taking care of her kid, she somehow finds time to go help her estranged idiot husband edit the movie that she basically co-directed. SERIOUSLY WOMEN HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING. Also all these wigs look like crap. Just when you think Fosse is maybe being redeemable, he decides to bring up the Gwenny’s illegitimate son AT THE VERY WORST MOMENT DUDE YOU ARE THE WORST.

Back with Young Gwenny, we see her giving her infant son to her parents to raise so she can go be a dancer. We then cut to her triumphant turn in Can-Can (some years later but Fosse/Verdon definitely doesn’t specify how many). Gwenny’s show might be a triumph, but her wig is still a mess. Oh, and she’s still haunted by the cries of the baby she gave up BECAUSE WOMEN CAN NEVER FULLY HAVE NICE THINGS.

EPISODE FOUR: GLORY

We begin at Cabaret. Isn’t life one, you guys? Fosse is all poised for this to be the flop that (apparently?) Sweet Charity was but nope: it’s a big huge critical and commercial hit! Do whatever you want, now, Fosse! Oh wait, you already do everything you want anyway? Cool! Fosse and his circa 1997 Ed Harris wig are now unstoppably arrogant! Get ready! So Fosse’s next project is the medieval/psychedelic nonsense musical, Pippin which will definitely give you contact highs. 

JUST LOOK AT HOW HIGH THIS MUSICAL IS. I think when people from the Mid Waste think of Broadway musicals, this is what most of them still think that looks like. Also this is how I fear I’ll die. 

Speaking of! Gwenny’s best galpal, Joan Simon (wife to Neil) is dying of cancer! It’s very sad because she’s really nice and despite her bad Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction wig I appreciate her dedication to half updos with bows that match her outfits. 

Gwenny does not even have time to be sad about this because she needs to take her bent wig over to Pippin rehearsals to pick up her daughter only to find that Fosse has given her FOUR TABS TO DRINK THAT IS LIKE 3 1/2 TOO MANY. She handles it by smiling through her hatred and truly this was a very Miranda Priestly moment and also I like Gwen’s top. ALSO LOOK AT THE BACK OF FOSSE’S WIG NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

Over at Pippin rehearsals, we also meet Ann Reinking (who will become Fosse’s lady love for the next decade or so) but for now she’s keeping things professional and also this is Andie MacDowell’s (wigless, thank god) daughter. Ok!

Fosse is definitely NOT keeping things professional and basically boning the rest of the Pippin ensemble cast, whether they like it or not! There is a very #MeToo moment where Fosse ends up getting a knee to the groin and GOOD.

Not so good? Gwenny’s play Children! Children! (that title - I still can’t). Despite asking Fosse to come over and FIX. IT. he is too busy becoming the poster dude for Time’s Up and Gwenny’s show ends up getting bad reviews and closing immediately. Also her wig is fully turning into a Jean Stapleton in All in the Family lewk. Whilst Gwenny’s professional life is going to crap, Fosse is winning ALL THE AWARDS as shown in a really confusing montage which suggested that the Tony Awards are before the Oscars. INCORRECT.

In the end, Fosse drunkenly tries to go bone Gwenny but she has wisely shacked up with that dude from Obvious Child which literally leads Fosse into a MENTAL INSTITUTION and the entire show to basically just turn into All that Jazz which I will remind everyone is a very derivative and terrible movie! OY.

EPISODE 5: WHERE AM I GOING?

The title of this episode should really be an question for the viewer: where are you going? Where are we all going? Are we still really watching this show? Sadly: yes. UGH I think we’re more than halfway through now? Let’s just finish this thing!

We begin at the mental hospital where Fosse ended the last episode. Gwenny and their kid are visiting him and Fosse is basically catatonic. This does not stop Gwenny from moving FULL STEAM AHEAD ON CHICAGO! Then cut to: Southampton? Huh? Sure! There, Fosse and his best bros, Neil Simon and Paddy Chayefsky are having a beach weekend which leads to the above upsetting 70s mens shorts (which thankfully Norbert Leo Butz did NOT sign on for). I love dudes who refuse to wear shorts in the summer, no matter how hot it is. My husband is one of these dudes. 

The one problem with this beach weekend? Everybody together in their best impression of Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain: IT’S RAINING! So everyone is stuck inside. And also it’s kind of a Big Chill sort of scenario except the role of Kevin Costner as the dead friend is now: Joan Simon. And also Fosse just got out of a mental institution 3 months ago. And he’s there with his girlfriend and Gwenny is there with her boyfriend. AND ALL THE WIGS ARE TERRIBLE. 

So Fosse’s girlfriend: Ann Reinking! When last we saw her, she was ignoring Fosse at Pippin rehearsals but it’s explained that after his (1 week!) stay in the looney bin, he gave her a ring and now they’re in LURRRVE. Ok? Andie MacDowell’s daughter plays Annie and she doesn’t wear a wig and she’s fine. Fosse’s circa 1997 Ed Harris wig is still very upsetting. As is his tan!

Also upsetting? Gwenny rolls up with this RAT TAIL (it’s hard to see in this pic but it’s the best I could do!) We’re supposed to believe that in the last 3 months she suddenly grew this monstrosity out?!?! MORE ON THE BONE CHILLING TRUTH ABOUT THIS RAT TAIL LATER.

Gwenny also has a really nice boyfriend named Ron. He is played by that guy who played a nice guy in The Office, Obvious Child, and Girls. He doesn’t wear a wig and he is very nice! Fosse’s combover is not! 

Oh also along for the ride is Fosse/Verdon’s daughter Nicole who is definitely too young to be dealing with all these effed up grownups and also is bored and ends up giving herself a cigarette/pickle-induced stomach virus. GET IT TOGETHER, PARENTS.

Most of the episode is about whether Fosse should direct Dustin Hoffman in Lenny or proceed with Gwenny’s vanity project, Chicago, despite the fact that his doctors told him to take a year off work from either! Spoiler to anyone who has never seen All that Jazz or who does not know enough about Fosse to even bother watching this: HE DOES BOTH! WHO IS THIS SHOW EVEN FOR?!?! Also Norbert Leo Butz’s man wig is not as bad as the rest. Great work on not wearing shorts again also! Also Fosse/Verdon bone again in secret even though they are married but have lovers. The 70s! 

 And now to the critical and bone-chilling facts about Gwenny’s rat tail! After a night of drinking and making terrible professional and personal choices, Gwenny sits down to a breakfast of coffee and one single piece of fruit and then....UNCLIPS HER RAT TAIL AND POUFS IT UP! So first off, that clears up the whole “how did her hair grow so long so fast” question. HOWEVER. This now leads to another case of WIG GASLIGHTING. This is when a wig (which is being passed off as real hair) is of equal or lesser quality to a wig that is a known wig within the context of the narrative. In other words - the quality of this rat tail (which we now know to be a wig) is of the same exact quality as the wig Michelle Williams wears to play Gwenny. WIG GASLIGHTING! For other bone-chilling examples of past wig gaslightings please see my reviews of The Danish Girl and Oceans Eight. WIG GASLIGHTING IS TERRIFYING.

EPISODE 6: ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE

And here we are. Throughout this (limited) season, we’ve gotten hints and asides, teases and tosses of All That Jazz but this episode fully just is a remake of the movie All That Jazz. Which I recently rewatched and is terrible. Terrible still? Anyone who would be watching this show would clearly be familiar with this awful film - so why make an episode that is that entire movie with absolutely no new information?!?! Again: WHO IN THE HELL IS THIS SHOW FOR?!?!

Anyway, if you haven’t seen All That Jazz, this episode is about Fosse editing Lenny while also directing/choreographing Chicago AND having some heart issues that end in hospitalization. Gwenny’s wig is bent as ever and Fosse’s circa 1997 Ed Harris lewk is still the same. Truly, there is no new information in this episode at all except that some of it is presented with Fosse AS Lenny Bruce which was an AWFUL IDEA. 

OH! Except this lady playing Chita Rivera who is really good and has the brunette version of Gwenny’s bent wig. 

ALSO! Nicole Fosse is now played by this slightly older actor who looks nothing like her younger version (or the actual Nicole Fosse) and is in a definitely terrible wig (and also forced to wear heavy makeup to visit her dad in the hospital because kids aren’t allowed to visit hospitals? IS THIS REALLY A RULE?)

Anyway, there’s a lot of All That Jazz hospital drama here and a lot of terrible flashblacks to Fosse’s burlesque tween years which attempt to explain his messed up relationship with women in an extremely Don Draper in Mad Men flashback way. There is also messed up hospital sex with Ann Reinking! THIS EPISODE IS AWFUL IN EVERY WAY!

EPISODE 7: NOWADAYS

Fosse recovered! For now! Back at Chicago rehearsals, everyone is wearing extra socks and doing just great. The most important addition to this show this week is that they got some dude to play Jerry Orbach! His man wig was terrible!

He also very did not look like Jerry Orbach! Anyway, this episode was mainly about Gwenny being TOO OLD for all this choreography, y’all. She was huffing and puffing all over fake Jerry Orbach so Fosse had to cut a lot of her dancing but once the show opened guess what? Gwenny got better reviews than the show itself! Take that, dance steps! However, there was a whole part where Gwenny read Fosse for filth and said that he owed his entire career to her and how dare he make the finale a duet between her and Chita! (He made the finale a duet). There were also many flashbacks about Fosse and Gwenny’s fertility issues and I almost believed that Nicole was adopted until Gwenny got legit pregnant while Fosse was too busy dancing to construct cribs. You almost taught me something, Fosse/Verdon!

OMG I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT THESE PICTURES OF FAKE JERRY ORBACH. Anyway, Fosse/Verdon then legit DID teach me something: apparently a few weeks into the run of Chicago, Gwenny inhaled some confetti during the finale and it effed with her vocal chords but she refused to leave the show, thinking it might close if she did. BUT THEN Fosse got LIZA EFFING MINNELLI to take her place while she got surgery and recovered! This was news to me! HOWEVER, Fosse/Verdon refused to show me any footage of even fake Liza in the show which was a real missed opportunity. 

Anyway, Liza revived the show and Gwenny was kind of pissed about it but on every level: THE SHOW MUST GO ON. Here is Gwenny during the finale which she was forced to share with Chita. And this show didn’t even show us the full finale! I DEMAND TO SEE MICHELLE WILLIAMS DOING THE HOT HONEY RAG WHY DID YOU EVEN MAKE THIS SHOW IF I CAN’T SEE IT. There is literally no reason for this show to exist if it can’t show me Michelle Williams doing a cartwheel in a top hat.  What a world. What a wig. 

IN CONCLUSION: LOOK AGAIN AT THE TERRIBLE MAN WIG ON FAKE JERRY ORBACH. 

EPISODE 8: PROVIDENCE

We begin (or should I say end?) with some grumpy old men talking about what they can and cannot eat (spoiler: they can’t eat anything good!) Both Fosse and BFF Paddy Chayefsky have heart conditions and creative conditions. And I have a condition with this wig on Norbert Leo Butz. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Anyway, Paddy tells Fosse how to rewrite All That Jazz aka how to rewrite his life and Fosse DOESN’T WANNA HEAR IT. And then Paddy dies and Fosse quite literally dances on his grave but in a really sad and mournful way. Yes, really. 

Meanwhile, Fosse interviews Gwenny in preparation for All That Jazz which honestly is just way to meta at this point, and she kinda tells it like it is. And I kinda know I’m not gonna miss this bent wig! 

Meanwhile, Ann Reinking is forced to audition to play herself in All That Jazz while under the painfully awkward and terrible direction of Fosse in this circa 1996 Ed Harris wig and LORDT I WILL NOT MISS LOOKING AT THE BAD OF THIS THING!

Then over at All that Jazz rehearsals, Gwenny and Nicole are met with bizzarro visions of themselves much like these bizarro visions of themselves in this show and omg everything just got way too meta and NIcole’s wig gives me hives. 

AND THEN. AND FRIGGIN THEN. LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA HAD THE AUDACITY TO PLAY ROY SHEIDER PLAYING BOB FOSSE IN ALL THAT JAZZ. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT THIS SHOW COULDN’T GET ANY MORE VAINGLORIOUS. MY HEAD AND MY TV JUST EXPLODED. 

Honestly, this is the only way for this terrible show to end - in a blaze of glory and nonsense. Well actually, it ended with Gwenny and Fosse reteaming in old age makeup to direct the revival of Sweet Charity but the internet refused to give me any pictures of that and fine. And then Fosse died on a sidewalk in the arms of Gwenny. And then for some reason the whole show ended with a shot of Nicole Fosse’s Vermont house. 

WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP IT’S BEEN YOU GUYS. But now we can finally be rid of these terrible terrible wigs and this terrible terrible show. 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Croatia to Eurovision with a confused angel lad and his lowkey over-enthusiastic mentor

Yeah, well, I definitely have hoped for this nation to finally finally bring back Dora as their national selection, as I myself have never really felt their internal entries since they abandoned it (well maybe except Nina from 2012 but even then by now I grew out of it softly). Not even Nina from 2016 which was tipped as a huge fan fave (though I’m so sorry for it getting completely lambasted in Eurovision, especially because of the poor clothing choice and Nina’s warbly notes here and there).

And they did! After like what, 7 solid years??? After the last Dora ending out with a disastrous end result and spawned a person to (more) stardom who even qualified a couple years back and this year he’s there to be a songwriter for his home country because of the Eurovision 2019 slogan inspiring him???? Well... yeah that happened. With having fought 15 other participants made up of familiar faces, up and coming starlets, the already legendary divas or just some people, he won as a songwriter for this next target of my review - the target that is aptly titled “The Dream” and is performed by a 19 year old up-and-coming pop star, Roko Blažević. Yep, Jacques Houdek won a NF but not with himself singing. Man did his magic game get stronger over the years since Dora 2011.

And interestingly enough, Jacques’s wizardry comes in with him being capable of selling chanceless music as something worth buying into. How can that happen???

Well, to be frank with you all, this song is not that bad, unlike everyone thinks it is. It feels like a low-rent musical ballad, sure, but it's not terribly composed or anything... well, I know I usually hate on those songs that like using mostly not the "verse - chorus - verse - chorus - bridge - chorus", but there are plenty of songs that mess with that structure that usually just omit the last two components (radio pop music) or don’t even need one, and they sound great. Here we have the omission of the last two components that more reminds me of “Grande amore” (I am not saying they’re comparable but still), as in, slow ballad in the F minor (”The Dream” even slaps a keychange on) that tries to sound majestic/dramatic, not very much so to be intense, just something theatrical I s’pose. And has a little too little time for another full verse so they just go to a bridge (and "Grande amore" had two long pre-choruses too?!?). I don’t hate this one, if I had to make a 2019 ranking this instant I’d put this in Top 30 somehow.

So what is there to be found that puts people off? They cannot be hating on Roko’s voice, which is really great for a young man like him. (In fact, God forbid I say one bad word about him, because some specific one on Twitter will have a beatdown with me because I dissed her hubby... so I’ll keep my mouth shut about any qualities of his :X) I guess it consists of several factors: 1) the song sounds dated; 2) the lyrics, especially in that chorus (I DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE, YOU DREAM OF LOOOOOOVE~ lol I actually dream of hatred, hatred will prevail >:) ); 3) the vocal volume is loud at parts; 4) the song is English-Croatian and somehow it should be sung in Croatian just to hide away the hideous understandable lyrics. My personal caveats are: 1) the song is too plodding and it shows a lot in that chorus with Roko holding his long notes (can we get tothe point FASTER?!); 2) the chorus lacks productional depth and maybe with a slight revamp (given Jacques wouldn’t be so stubborn about it!) it could have sounded the right amount of dramatic. If anything, I am GRATEFUL that it sounds more palatable than "My Friend", as THAT one was a joyful of cringey clichés tbh. The cheese became rotten and smelly and the sudden violin lead-in into the bridge still creeps me out. Goddamn it Jaq.

Not to mention Mr. Houdek is soooooo optimistic about his song, he finds everything in it perfect enough to not change it! Not the melody, not the language decisions, not the wings (did I tell you Roko wore wings on his NF performance??) - no! Did someone not tell him that Eurovision is rapidly evolving and his fantasies of coming top 3 with this song just better stay fantasies? Oh wait, it's the same man who once sang "dare to dream and make it real", of course he's stuck to his guns like super glue. Can't blame him, there were worse songs in top 3 over the years. Still though, the wings is a stupid idea. There should be something else involved if Jacques wants a performance to be memorable. Roko can't just stand there and only do what he's told to do by his guardian songwriter - granted he has to behave but still...

In the end, how would I summarize this tl;dr? I am one of a handful of folks who find this alright. There's a bigger minority who outright adores the song but I'm just there that likes this and nothing much more, honestly. Everything's just alright. Guess I'm sometimes soft enough to accept cheese, huh. But seriously, the mentoring behind the scenes... it's creepy to say the least. I'm happy Roko's having a helluva good time at least.

Approval factor: Oh I don't know with this one, statistically we can just go ahead and... try approving this? I’m not a huge fan of Croatian entries this decade, at least Slovenia redeemed themselves in my eyes last minute with “Sebi”, while even in my Croatian faves (they mostly are “Nebo” and “Crazy”, and I maaaaaybe like “Lighthouse” a bit too actually?) I see some negative qualities that completely overwhelm my liking for them. But since I legally find “The Dream” okay, I give this one a bit of a pass.

Follow-up factor: Sadly this kind of choice feels to me as a steady divedown in overall quality of what Croatia usually offers us. Well the decline was always on since “My Friend” followed up “Lighthouse” I suppose, or it's just so happens that Croatia sent the duds on this decade only in odd years ("Celebrate" was fun but tragic trash, "Mižerja" was pleasant I guess but everything here was miserable from the beginning and everyone still doesn’t get why “My Friend” qualified and “Crazy” didn’t). I like it though.

Qualification factor: I’d like to believe that this one can borderline sneak the fuck in to the finals for no reason other than Jacques knowing how to work things in his favour. Yes, I’m not writing this off completely. Although I still see some parts where this wouldn’t work out, it’s actually not 100% doomed... if anything, I at least don’t see it coming last in semi easily! It’s not as LAME as Iceland last year was. And it too was a basic love-peace-dreams message inserted into an older-timey-sounding singalong ballad and was given for a young singer that has a helluva lot of potential later ASIDE Eurovision. That is if they don't pretend Eurovision "ruined [their] careers, njeh!", of course. At least Roko can SANG live and maybe it will happen again that a singer's voice will make this surprisngly qualify over the song? We'll see. For now Jacques should just stay focused on how to make Roko's angel wings (sigh...) more memorable on stage in case the voice is not qualifying but the gimmicks are.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

EMA 2019 at least had positive surprises all over for a NF this non-cared-about-by-me. Dora just... did not. Really. This NF did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise, and it even had SIX MORE SONGS than EMA!!! Crazy, huh?? But it’s okay, I can talk about the show to you if you want me to:

• From the Dora participants list announcement I was mostly excited to hear like two entries, and I'll mention both of them right away separately. And it's by two artists I've heard of before a lot! Though this first one kind of made me feel like I've been somewhat betrayed... enter Luka Nižetić who has got a nice vast catalogue of songs now - soft song(s), upbeat summer songs, and so on. And I kinda liked some of those songs of his I heard (if you're looking for recommendations, give "Vječno" a listen!), but “Brutalero”, his actual Dora 2019 entry was... on a whole different level. Dude, when was ripping off “Mi gente” ever useful?? It’s the year people were chasing after “Fuego” as the Latinesque bop to copy, not this! I hate it when people rehash annoying (but catchy) songs, and it’s certainly worse when they do it as their Eurovision NF entry. Brutal. And I actually remember hyping him before hearing the song, which is a bigger facepalm-worthy moment of mine. When will I ever learn?! ;( Thank God for the juries who served this song right. IDC if the revamp version of this made it any better, I’ll be fuming over this not being an inspired song. Oh and the comic book cartoon style made this brutally laughable to me, I said what I said. It might have entertained some kids though. So to summarise, Luka’s capable of having bops out, but “Brutalero” ain’t it, sis.

• Well guess what - Friendship ended with LUKA, Now MANNTRA is my best friend! Hell yeah lol. Did I tell you I like rock music so much? So I really foresaw kind of liking Manntra's song “In the Shadows” and rooting for them based on me knowing their name (just like Luka but oop), and in fact I really did root for them in the end! I wish I supported them more than Luka instead. They’re bangin’. They’re blazin’. They’re pure awesomeness. Their costumes. THAT BREAKDOWN. Magic. Should’ve won, and if them winning were any forbidden because Croatia is just refusing to accept stuff I’d stan for, at least come second. Screw Luka, screw Lorena. Bring the rock music back. ^^

• oh yeah and the others I guess. Well, if I had to recommend a few entries, here goes: if you’re nostalgic for old-timey early 2000′s bops (in the style of “Everyway That I Can”), you go and listen to the aforementioned Lorena Bućan‘s entry, “Tower of Babylon”. If you dreamed of one of the Femminem singers becoming a 60s retro artiste (actually you did not, that sounds very utter random), go check her project’s (Gelato Sisters) entry, “Back to That Swing”. If you’re here for THE QUEEN DOMENICA, go ahead, check out “Indigo”, the ultimate shopping mall background music anthem. My actual other favourite together with Manntra was Beta Sudar though, as “Don’t Give Up” as some really nice pop I guess. You see what I mean when I said that Dora this year did not interest me all that much song-quality-wise? Well ofc some songs were nice but that's all and too much 'just niceness' is slowly breaking me honestly. I would have gladly cancelled the NF and put Manntra through internally instead. Epic boys deserve an epic platform to showcase themselves, I don’t make the rules here.

Thankfully that's that out of the way, now I'm just going to wish this sweet little angel man all the best in Tel Aviv and not to be too upset if he flops. I know Jacques would be upset, but for that he shouldn't put Roko through a similar mind process also...

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: As Hard As Chinese Arithmetic

So far, this year has been a doozy, man. We had an insurrection at the Capital. Then a big-tittied, Goth Vampire, Amazon Mommy just triggered all of the interweb’s fetishes, male, female, and other. Then, a bunch of Reddit Sh*tposters broke Wall Street for the Lolz. It has been a f*cking ride, man. I’m just happy we made it to the end of the month because, f*ck, i need a breather. Plus, the first new film of the year, a proper theatrical flick, released in the multiplex, just dropped. Since we ain’t got vaccines for the Wuha and i hate society in general, i wasn’t about to brave the outside for it. Fortunately for me, Warner Brothers said f*ck it, and decided to release their entire 2021 film slate, same day as theaters, to HBOmax. The first flick out the gate with this rather comfy release strategy? The Little Things. From what I've seen, this cast is dope but I've heard mixed reviews. Curious to see which side of the discourse I'll land on. Either way, I'm watching this thing from the comfort of my couch and i kind of dig it.

The Good

Denzel Washington is, obviously, the best thing about this flick. Dude is always one of, if not the best, thing about whatever he's in and this is no different. Washington has been acting a real long time so this the of part he can play in his sleep. I think, though, that might have been a detriment because his Joe Deacon comes across as a little “samey.” I re-watched Virtuosity the other day and this character feels like the cat he played in that, which feels like the cat he played in Man on Fire, which feels like the cat he played in Equalizer. I'm not mad, mind you, Rampage Washington is one of my favorite things about Hollywood, but I think playing this character like that was a mistake. Still, it was fun to watch.

Rami Malik plays, like, a regular dude in this. His Jim Baxter is kind of the foil to Washington's more aggressive, more passionate Deke, and it's weird to see. Like, i get it, Rami wants avoid being typecast as the weirdo but, I mean, the weirdo is where it's at, you know? If the character is well written and there's room to really dig in with an eclectic performance, why not go weird? Malek sure has the face for it.

Jared Leto just plays himself. The character he's supposed to be portraying is named Albert Sprama but this is just regular ass, crazy ass, cult leader ass Jared Leto. It's not a bad performance but you can tell Leto isn't really trying to be anything but who he is in this.

The atmosphere in this thing is palpable. I respect that. Neo-Noirs and thrillers like this need that. They need to feel seedy, gritty, dirty. For all of it's faults, The Little Things definitely nails that. It ain't Nineties grunge but it does a pretty good job of emulating that kind of energy, even if it's really just a facsimile and not the genuine article.

Listen, this is a gorgeous film. The cinematography and scene composition are top notch. As far as a visual piece of media, it really does deliver. There's this sordid, grimy, feel to the presentation that really mimics David Fincher's early work. I'm a fan of Fincher's so I noticed the similarities immediately but, as much reverence as this content has for his work, David Fincher  this ain't.

This thing is beautifully directed. I might have my issues with the film as a whole, but John Lee Hancock put his best foot forward trying to visually craft this narrative, for sure. It's a little awkward seeing dude forge this type of story considering his more, lighthearted entries into the Hollywood collective, but he approaches it with the same flair and professionalism as he does those films, too.

The Bad

Look, I love the principals of this cast. They are all great actors Individually Together, there's no real chemistry, especially between Malik and Washington. I think that's more because of the lacking script more than anything. A lot of this movie feels like it's adequacy relies too heavily on it's lead's abilities rather than a solid script or screenplay. That's a shame because a crime thriller starring Denzel Washington and Rami Malik chasing after Jared Leto sounds like a swell f*cking times.

So this thing is a period piece. It's supposed to take place in the Nineties and, as a cat who grew up during that time, this definitely doesn't feel like them. Sure, there's little nods and everything to it like music choices and certain set dressings but, overall, this doesn't scream Super Grunge, Extreme Radical to me. Which, we all know, is exactly what the Nineties absolutely were.

There is a distinct, Fincher-esque, energy to this film but it fails miserably properly capturing it. Like, This movie is trying WAY too hard to be Se7en. I understand why it would, that film is a masterpiece but one shouldn't wear your inspirations so nakedly. Makes it way too easy to draw the obvious comparison and your entry will always be left wanting. It's weird to think that Hancock thought he could do that considering his catalog of film. Nothing about The Blindside or Saving Mr. Banks gives me confidence that he can adequately pull off something as macabre as Se7en and  it really seems dubious to me that he tried.

The strength of Se7en started with what was on the page. Fincher crafted this diabolical, challenging, degenerate narrative and had the perfect cast to bring it to life. The Little Things has the ambition to pull that same thing off but the script is way too weak for that. Hancock can't write this stuff, man. Indeed, it really feels like he watched Se7en, thought up a twist, and wrote from there. Basically, he wrote this screenplay the same way Stephanie Meyer wrote Twilight and we all see how well that turned out. If you don't have a story to tell, don't make a movie. Nothing great start with just a gimmick unless you're selling toys and that only works because kids are idiots.

Bro, what is this dialogue??

This movie is long, man. Long and barren. One could say that it is actually really boring at parts. Now, I'm not saying that, I'm a fan of the slow burn, bu this was even taxing my nerves. I think, though, that a better script could have goes a long way to alleviating that. The fact that I didn't give a sh*t about anything going on with these characters really made it hard to stay engaged.

The Verdict

The Little Thing is a January movie and it's weird to get one of those in this, new Pandemic age. More than anything, it's a disappointment, especially coming of excellent January releases these past few years like Underwater, The Nightingale, and Paddington 2. This film does not come close to the quality of those and it's real deflating. I wanted to this movie to be excellent. There are a few individual components that actually are. Great lead performances, outstanding direction, beautiful camera work but the core of this movie is lacking. The screenplay is a complete letdown which is the most f*cked up aspect of this this whole situation. Apparently, Hancock wrote the first draft of this flick in Ninety-three and this is the best we got. This is the version that made the screen. F*cking trash, man. The Little Things isn't a terrible film, not at all, but it's not good either. It is an incredibly mundane and pedestrian attempt at trying to copy Se7en but it never reaches those heights. You've seen this movie before done much, much, better. If this thing as shorter, I could recommend it might higher but this whole ass, two-hour run time is a bit much. If you have HBOmax and time to kill, its a decent watch, just don't expect too much from it. If you want this to be your grand return to the cinema, pass on that. It's not worth the ticket price.

[aion-rsa]

Flash Gordon’s Original Ending Revealed

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Following our enlightening Flash Gordon 40th anniversary interview with the film’s director, Mike Hodges, we got to have an in-depth conversation with author John Walsh. Titan Books published Walsh’s exhaustive coffee table book Flash Gordon: The Official Story of the Film last November. It was a labor of love for Walsh that delves into the making of the movie and celebrates its enduring appeal.

Walsh is a Trustee of the Ray and Diana Harryhausen Foundation, and was also behind the BBC’s critically acclaimed documentary series Sofa Surfers, which explored childhood homelessness, and the BAFTA-nominated film My Life: Karate Kids, which tackled issues of bullying among disabled children.

Den of Geek: You’ve been involved with preserving the legacy of the late Ray Harryhausen, and your first book through Titan was about some of his work. You first met him at film school in the 80s?

John Walsh: That’s right. I was BBC Young Filmmaker of the Year when I was 15. I was offered a place in London Film School when I was doing my A-levels and they sort of scooped me up. At the end of your first year you do a 16mm documentary film. I found Ray Harryhausen‘s name in the London telephone directory. I asked my parents for permission to use the phone, as you did in those days. My mom said “Ring after six when it’s cheaper.” So I rang him up and said “I’m making a film about your life and work” and he was very gracious about it. 

I went to see him. I’d done some very basic animation as a youngster but was fascinated by all his creatures and everything else. We stayed in touch over the years. He asked me to become a trustee of his foundation, so I’ve been helping to look after the vast collection, which is the largest of its kind outside of the Walt Disney Company. His daughter, Vanessa Harryhausen, and I run it with one member of paid staff. Then I did the book – Harryhausen: The Lost Movies.

At what point did you decide that Flash Gordon was next for the John Walsh treatment?

The Lost Movies was stories about films that we think we know but hadn’t been told. Titan are very good at making books on our favorite films – like Dark Crystal and Labyrinth – and those films which maybe we liked on VHS but weren’t successful when they came out theatrically. I was just thinking, gosh, no one has done a Flash Gordon book yet.

It took about eight months to get Universal Pictures and King Features, who were the rights holders for the Flash Gordon character, and Studio Canal, who now own the physical asset of that 1980 film, to come together and put a deal together. 

What happened after the deal was done?

I thought “they’ll give me all their photos because there’ll be a gazillion photos in the archive” – I got the shock of my life when there were no photos or any assets worth putting into a book! I was like “oh no, what have I done?” I drank from the poison chalice to some extent, because I thought that the work had finished when we got the rights, and it had really just started. 

Universal Pictures had some of the publicity photos, but not enough to put into a book like this. Nothing ‘behind the scenes’. I went begging around the world asking fans and different people, “please may I have your pictures if I credit you in the book?” A big part of the introduction of the book ended up being the story of how the assets had been dispersed or thrown away. The film cost three times what Star Wars cost. It cost somewhere in the region of $35 million. The idea that nobody kept any of the assets from it, the original artworks for the paintings, for the posters – gone. The models, gone. The costumes were mostly gone. 

A rare behind the scenes look at the making of Flash Gordon

It kept me up at night. I was genuinely quite worried about whether we’d get enough high quality images that would be good enough, but ultimately I got everything I wanted. I even managed to get a high quality unpublished image of Queen from 1980 for a publicity round they did in Japan. Virtually every page has something unseen, never before published, recently found.

It was around the clock. Sometimes it took 20 or 30 hours just to get one image. It was pretty all labor intensive. The easiest part was speaking to the people like the actors, but another problem existed there as well. If you take the Star Wars universe as a comparison, the various actors and filmmakers speak so regularly that you can pretty much find a consensus on how things happened and where they happened. But on this, [lead actor] Sam Jones – naughty, naughty Sam Jones! –  lovely Sam Jones, and Brian Blessed…

Brian tends to be quite creative, doesn’t he? Every time he tells a story there’s a new spin on it.

Mike [Hodges, director], told me “It’s not true what Brian says in your book that he directed one of the fight sequences.” He said “I love Brian dearly but there’s no way he directed one of the fight sequences. I was there every day and I never would have allowed him to do that. It’s just not what happened.” So between Brian and Sam, they’ve kind of filled in the gaps. As actors often do, they will inflate their parts! 

Some other bits are true. Sam did get stitches, and Dino [De Laurentiis, producer] was ready to kill someone. Two days before principal photography, there’s the lead actor getting stitches in his face. 

When I was researching the film for our piece, I couldn’t really establish how much of Sam’s audio had been replaced in post-production.

Some of Sam’s dialogue is in there! Some has been voiced on top of his voice, and some is a completely different actor in different places. If you were to cut together the different sounds and hear them all together, they sound higher and then lower.

There isn’t actually a record of who the actors are, not because anyone is trying to create conspiracy around it all, it’s just that’s one of the many assets of the film that were tossed aside. It’s more than one [other voice] Mike told me.

That’s new information to me. I knew that there was one other; I didn’t know there was more than one!

It’s more than one, and it’s Sam as well. There are at least three voices that make up Sam’s dialogue. There’s kind of a little Frankenstein’s Monster of dialogue in most places for Sam.

Do you remember the first time you watched Flash Gordon? 

Yes, it was a good movie at the time. I loved anything with science fiction! I’ll tell you what I was disappointed by: there were no robots. To me, if it had a robot in it I was like, “that’s it, I’m there, I want to buy the robot from that film.” So, I was kind of disappointed. There are no robots. 

I was obsessed with the Superman movie and how the flying sequences were created at the time. When this film came out, I thought “this is going to be better than Superman, it’s got hundreds of people flying.” But the flying sequences aren’t as sophisticated in this as they are in Superman, so my first time seeing Flash Gordon was tinged with a kind of geek boy technical disappointment about some of those aspects, and no robots. I haven’t told anyone that.

When researching the book, what ended up being the most surprising revelation?

There were two big moments. The first was when I discovered there had been an entirely different film planned – and we got the artwork, it’s in the book. Then, I found out that the film was supposed to have an entirely different ending. 

Where the film ends now, at the wedding crashing, that was the start of a new major sequence that was going to involve Ming turning into fabulous creatures and fighting Flash, the Hawkmen and the Arboria Tree Men. It all had to be cut. Literally, the pages were pulled. They were like “no time for that, haven’t got time for that.” They had the money for it, but no time.

At the back of my book are all of those scenes, and in some cases photos of scenes they shot that were cut because they couldn’t complete the effects for them, and then comprehensive storyboards with major characters like Lion Man, who was going to accompany Flash Gordon throughout the film like a Chewbacca character.

Wasn’t Lion Man in the cartoons as well as the serial? 

Yes. We got the original artwork from when Dino was going to make the film for Paramount Pictures. It shows Lion Man as part of this fantasy concept poster.

Flash Gordon concept art featuring Lion Man

When I talked to Mike last year, he still seemed somewhat baffled that he was the one who was chosen to take over from Nicolas Roeg as director. Do you think that Nic’s original vision would have worked on screen if Dino had just gone along with it?

No. For tax purposes it was very difficult to get a director in from America to do a picture, particularly in the late 70s. It was a big tax kerfuffle. British directors who’ve done major Hollywood films would have included Alan Parker, maybe John Boorman, Ridley Scott. Nic Roeg and Mike Hodges were the right fit, even though they hadn’t done special effects films.

Roeg’s version couldn’t have worked because the content was adult in tone, and also he came up with some concepts that were outside of the comic strip that would have made it much more adult-themed as well. For an audience to have followed it and enjoyed it and for the film to have had a chance to make back it’s $35 million, I think he was right to pull the plug on the Nic Roeg version. It needed to be a film that had a much broader base to make that money back. There were two sequels planned!

And Mike was originally brought in as an option for the second film.

Yes, that’s right. It was Roeg who suggested him, because he knew Mike and thought Mike would be a good fit. Mike had just been sacked from Omen II so he was suddenly available at the point when Dino parted company with Nic. It wasn’t a marriage of convenience, he was the right fit. 

Dino did this thing where if he liked your face, then you got the part or you got the work. It wasn’t about having a pretty face or anything, it was if he thought your face was sympathetic. It’s kind of an Italian superstition that you can kind of trust a man by his face. Dino wouldn’t get on an airplane if he looked at the pilot and didn’t like their face.

Wow.

Your natural instincts are often right. Dino’s were often right. He said to Mike, “I like-a your face Mike, and that’s why I chose you for this-a film.” Doing a very credible Italian accent there! I interviewed [Dino’s wife] Martha extensively for the book – she said Dino would have liked my face.

We’ve heard so many myths and legends about the Flash Gordon sequels. It seems like everyone you talk to has heard a rumor about what the story would have been. Has your own research revealed any new sequel information? 

Dino had great, great plans. Dino’s plan was to buy Pinewood Studios and to film three Flash Gordons back to back. That’s ambitious by any movie standard, isn’t it? 

Brian Blessed first put me on the trail of what the second film would have been about – it was going to be Flash Gordon’s Trip to Mars – based on the second cinema serial. In that, Flash Gordon meets the Clay Men and other people on Mars where Ming has set up base. 

Flash Gordon storyboards

40 years on, what do you think the enduring appeal of the movie is?

Flash Gordon has survived the critique of not having state of the art special effects. It’s a much more fun film to get into than Empire Strikes Back and Star Trek: The Motion Picture – two comparable big budget films of the era – as they’re kind of heavy going. 

This film was also perceived to be a Christmas film, it premiered at Christmas and received it’s TV premiere in 1983 on the BBC at Christmas. So for most people, it has a special Christmas vibe and a happy vibe about it. It looks like a Christmas ornament. 

It’s separate from other science fiction films of the time, it went in the opposite direction: rock score, kind of camp humor, brighter lit with more colors. There isn’t another film you could compare it with, except Barbarella from the 60s.

Recently, it’s come into criticism for its racial stereotyping – Ming playing effectively as a Chinese Fu Manchu character.

Yes, the BBFC has added a warning to the film now. Has the problematic nature of Ming’s portrayal changed the way you view the film?

For me it hasn’t, because when Max von Sydow played the part he didn’t have a darkening of his skin. That’s his natural facial pallor. The accent he chose is English – he decided to speak it as an English officer or an English monarch. There’s quite a kind of clash of cultures there. The facial makeup and the costume itself is definitely Red China from 1936, as Alex Raymond had envisaged. 

But I think it’s quite right the film should have a warning. I don’t think the film should be stopped, or that he should be pixelated out. I think Dino and Mike Hodges chose the best actors from the time to play these roles. You needed people who had played hard roles in films before. If they remake Flash Gordon, then I’ll be quite happy to see someone of Southeast Asian origin in the role of Ming. I think that would be spectacular.

There are levels to which this works and doesn’t work. The more extreme argument is “you wouldn’t cast a serial killer as a killer would you?” Well no, because if you’re casting for Dennis Nielsen you cast a good actor. David Tennant happens to be Scottish. I’m sorry he’s not a serial killer in real life.

That we know of, John.

That we know of. You can never trust actors, you know? Never leave them on their own in a room. But yes, I think where it’s possible and where it’s practical, it’s respectful.

Have you made any decisions about what you would like to do next, now we’ve had your take on Harryhausen, and Flash Gordon?

I’m literally in the process of delivering a manuscript for my next book. It comes out in September!

I will definitely check it out. Thank you, you’ve been brilliant.

Flash Gordon: The Official Story of the Film is available now from Titan Books. You can check out John’s The Official Story of the Film Podcast right here.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

Subscribe to Den of Geek magazine for FREE right here!

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[amplesalty]

Christmas 2020: Day 4 - Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical (2020)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

four red rocking horses!

So I probably touched upon this last year whilst inadvertently looking at a bunch of musicals, but it seems the US networks have a thing for churning out at least 1 big special a year around the holidays. I watched A Christmas Story Live last year but they’ve had things like Hairspray, Grease and Peter Pan before. Christopher Walken as Hook? Sold! They seem to share out the responsibility every year so I don’t know what agreement they have going on. This year it was apparently NBC’s turn and they bring us The Grinch. Well, how could I not watch this?

This show actually has some history to it, dating back to the mid 90’s before making it to Broadway in the mid 00’s so it’s not some random thing they slapped together or one of those quirky adaptations of a popular franchise that comes and goes quickly like Spider-Man. Apparently around the late 00’s the US tour had the bad guy from LazyTown in the title role so that sounds like it would have been fun. Going by how over the top he is in that show and the way that the Grinch is played in this performance, it kinda matches.

Which isn’t exactly how I was expecting the Grinch to be characterised. It doesn’t really strike me as the kind of thing that you can adapt to a musical given how surly the Grinch is, I suppose you did get a bit of singing from the inhabitants of Whoville though. In my head I’m imagining the Grinch being the one character who doesn’t involve himself in all this singing and dancing throughout, but becoming increasingly annoyed at all the theatrics going on around him. Kinda like Santa in Rudolph where he’s just rolling his eyes at having to sit through that stupid Elf song.

Which does happen to some small degree, chiefly through Max who is played by the amusingly named Booboo Stewart. That’s just a nickname though, which is good because I feel you’d have to be a pretty irresponsible parent to name your kid Booboo. I wasn’t sure if it was some heritage thing beucase he looks a bit Native American. Actually, what he looks like is Vanessa Hudgens. I must have spent a good wondering they had this one guy playing an older version of Max who serves as the narrator, but then have a woman play the younger version. I did find the humans playing dogs thing a bit off putting at first but I kinda grew to like Max, he’s just so happy and has this naive optimism about trying to win the Grinch round into being more positive too.

But going back to the Grinch’s characterisation, he always seems a little too into the idea of this whole musical thing. I could buy it if he joined in at the end of the show when he’s being redeemed but it’s just really strange to see him singing and dancing in the first place. Plus there’s a few moments where he breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience at home and one part where he does repeated curtain calls like he’s some over the top diva seeking the adulation of his adoring public. I kinda got a little bit of a Jack Skellington vibe in the performance, but that made sense from Jack because he was so bored with Halloween and readily embraced Christmas because it was so different. Maybe that’s whats happening with the Grinch, only it’s something deeply repressed and waiting to come out. The costume and makeup isn’t too bad, certainly prefer it over the Jim Carey live action version.

Which goes the same and then some for the Whos, much less disturbing than the 2000 version with their odd noses and buck teeth. These guys have a much more vibrant and colourful look compared to the older ones though, lots of pinks and purples. The movie seemed much more muted but made it up for it with the faces and wacky hairstyles. At this point though I think I just have an aversion to seeing the Whos in live action.

Continuing with the aesthetics, the sets are something I’m a bit unsure on. They certainly are very crude but I guess they were going with something in keeping with the original illustrations of the Dr Suess book. Plus this is more in line with an actual stage show with everything taking place on one changing set rather than the more extravagant locations seen in something like A Christmas Story Live last year. Everything just feels a lot more low budget in comparison, I guess I’m just used to seeing a jump in quality when these adaptations come TV/cinema, like in Christmas Story or The Producers.

The lighting is really good at times though, makes things very moody when the Grinch is looking down on Whoville from atop his mountain, or very dramatic as he rides his Max driven sleigh into town.

As for the show itself...eh. It’s pretty much entirely done through song and they’re all pretty forgettable. It’s either Grinch songs talking about how much of a loner he is or how he hates Christmas, or the Whos singing how much they love Christmas or other overly sweet claptrap. And much like in some of the musicals I was looking at last year, they lean heavily on the reprisal. Like, one of the first songs you hear is “I Hate Christmas Eve” from the Grinch which extrapolates from the lines in the original “The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.” and the thoughts that perhaps his shoes are too tight. But then the next scene cuts to the Whos where Cindy Lou asks her mum what the deal is with the Grinch, only to get the song near enough repeatedly entirely. They do it again later on with “You’re a mean one, Mr Grinch” too, but that’s still better than that horrible rap version from the 2018 movie.

I don’t know if I’m just picking really bad examples here or what but I’ve not been getting on with these musicals. I know the reprisal is probably a big part of them but it just feels kinda lazy and especially so here given how quickly the songs repeat. This is an odd example sure but my musical knowledge isn’t exactly widespread, but in the South Park movie, you have the Mountain Town reprisal at the end but the original rendition comes right at the start so it serves as closure and bring things full circle. Plus it has different characters performing it and changes the lyrics to reflect how those characters and the story has developed throughout the movie. That soundtrack doesn’t really rely on the reprisal either and has a lot of bangers, Up There being...well, up there. Except they changed it on the CD release and whoever does the performance on that really phones it in. Outside of the Mountain Town at the end, I guess the only other repetition you get is that medley during La Resistance where Blame Canada comes back for a line or two.

I’m not sure where this would rank amongst the different Grinch versions, I feel like I’d have to watch 2000 again to see if it or this were dead last. Having pointed fingers at the characterisation of the Grinch, those odd moments in breaking character did bring some amusement so I probably would have enjoyed it more if they did push things further and made him more campy or push the sardonicism to all the musical numbers. They do tease it on occasion, like when Cindy Lou finds him stuffing their tree up the chimney and starts to sing, to which he says ‘Oh no, it’s a ballad.’ As it is, just stick with the KARLOFF short or the 2018 movie.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: Two years ago, but it seems closer to ten, a nice deputy editor for a new publication approached me to write a piece

He had been reading me forever and was working for this company with a bunch of money invested in it, could pay pretty well and expose me to some new readers not only on the web but a print magazine he compared to Rolling Stone. I said yes and we were going back and forth about what my first piece should be, and then my mom died. Freelance gigs are usually a little stressful and all-consuming for me, but for some reason I still wanted to do it. Looking back at my emails, I was literally trying to schedule around the days off I had other than the one for the funeral. I agreed to write about the Halloween series, in conjunction with the upcoming David Gordon Green sequel. I watched all ten existing movies (including remakes) and came up with this piece that ties them all together thematically, at times addressing the grief and fears I was dealing with at the time. I took longer than I was supposed to and ended up with twice the agreed upon word count and I was so unsure anybody else would be interested that in my email I said, “If you don’t want it I understand, just let me know and I’ll use it on outlawvern.com and we’ll come up with something else for me to work on for you.” Then the magazine (you will never see this coming) ran out of money, all the editors resigned, I don’t believe I ever got paid and the article could only be seen on the Wayback Machine. But I got no regrets because working on this helped me in a tough period of my life and gave me a better understanding of my relationship with the genre. So I’m proud to repost it here. (I’ve kept their edits, so you’ll notice some British spellings in here.) THE SHAPE OF EVIL: Confronting darkness through the ‘Halloween’ series 26 October 2018 08:59 John Carpenter’s Halloween (1978) was, in its time, the most successful independent movie ever made, and its influence still echoes through cinema four decades later. It cemented many of the hallmarks of the slasher subgenre: unstoppable masked killers, murder sprees tied to holidays, a troubling connection between sexual activity and death. And it became one of the most enduring brands in horror history, spawning a series of eight sequels so far (including a new one this month), undeterred even by a 2007 remake that had its own sequel. Some may wonder why, in these dark times of mass shootings, human rights abuses, corrupt regimes, collapsing institutions and impending environmental catastrophe, anyone would want to watch ten movies about an escaped mental patient stabbing people to death. Personally, I found catharsis in revisiting them all this month while grieving over the loss of my parents to long, cruel illnesses. If you look at the series as a mass-market treatise on humankind’s struggles against death and evil you can focus less on the horror of being stabbed and more on the possibility of getting away. In the opening scene of Halloween, as well as the closing of part four and other moments throughout the series, our viewpoint is from behind the mask of the killer. Lesser Halloween sequels, particularly the sixth and eighth entries, try to further implicate us in the evil by creating victims who ‘deserve it’ in cinematic terms – an abusive husband, an obnoxious shock jock. But, for the majority of the series, we identify with Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and the other protagonists who follow her, rooting for them so we can survive by proxy. We watch the masked killer Michael Myers in movies to face our worst fears in a forum where they can never get us, can never truly win. Being a fan of more than one Halloween movie is more complicated than it may sound. It requires canonical decisions, like some Video Age equivalent of ancient scriptures. It would be easy to recognise only the original Carpenter productions, Halloween and Halloween II (1981), with or without the narratively unrelated Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Tommy Lee Wallace, 1982). Some fans who came up in the Eighties may also acknowledge Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (Dwight H. Little, 1988) and Halloween 5: the Revenge of Michael Myers (Dominique Othenin-Girard, 1989), but the cliffhanger of 5 demands the resolution of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (Joe Chappelle, 1995), which many reject due to its out-of-left-field retconning in of a cult that has been controlling Michael since the beginning. Even those who accept that twist have to decide between the theatrical version and the drastically different ‘Producer’s Cut’, once a semi-legendary bootleg, now an official release. ‘Halloween’ (John Carpenter, 1978) To enjoy them all you have to accept multiple realities, because the timeline expands and contracts like an accordion. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (Steve Miner, 1998) erases everything after II. Laurie faked her death and went into hiding, which could explain her absence in 4-6, except that now she doesn’t have a daughter named Jamie (Danielle Harris). Personally, I like the H20 continuity as long as I can disavow Halloween Resurrection (Rick Rosenthal, 2002), which turns the ending of H20 on its head so that Michael survives and Laurie doesn’t, like some shocking cinematic Supreme Court ruling. And now David Gordon Green’s Halloween (2018), a sequel, not remake, of John Carpenter’s movie of the same title, will tell us that there is only John Carpenter’s Halloween. It even erases II – which continued on the same night and was written, scored and reshot by Carpenter – so Laurie and Michael are no longer siblings. (Which means the TV version of the first film is also out.) Like Michael’s body at the end of the first film, all those sequels were there just a second ago, and now they’re gone. They could be anywhere, or everywhere. But through all its repetitions and resets, the series keeps performing the same ritual: hiding a pure, unknowable malevolence behind a rubber human face and sending it into our civilisation to see if we can survive its wrath. In all but one of these films, that force of evil is Michael Myers, who at the age of six put on a clown mask, stabbed his sister Judith just moments before their parents got home, and never spoke again. Since Michael saw Judith fooling around with her boyfriend before the murder, people often interpret some sort of prudish anti-sex judgment behind his actions, something that became a cliché in the wave of slasher movies that followed in Halloween’s wake. But I think we only assign an explanation like that to protect ourselves from our fear of the inexplicable. There is no cause or motive. Even by the eighth film, so little is known about Michael that the producers of a live webcast from his house have to plant fake props to imply ‘something that might explain why Michael Myers went bad’. After his first murder, the kid and his parents look equally dumbfounded. They have no idea why it happened. So grown up Michael Myers and his mask represent the unknowable and the incomprehensible. To keep him extra-mysterious, his head stays out of frame while he stalks the neighbourhood during the day; even though, with close examination, you can see enough to tell that he’s wearing the mask. It’s worth noting that we actually can glimpse his face when he’s stealing the car at the beginning of the first film and can see it clearly when Laurie pulls off his mask at the end. His expressions reveal so little emotion or intelligence that it’s easy to forget those shots and think of the mask as his true face. He’s as much an automaton as the zombie-like gangsters in Carpenter’s earlier Assault on Precinct 13 (1976). His psychiatrist of 15 years, Dr. Samuel Loomis (Donald Pleasence), gave up on Michael’s humanity in 1972 and considers him a personification of evil, as in, ‘He’s gone, he’s gone from here. The evil is gone!’ He says that ‘what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply evil.’ He refers to him as ‘it’, instead of him. He tells the sheriff that ‘Death has come to your little town.’ None of this seems like an appropriate way for a doctor to talk about a patient, but it belies Loomis’s diagnosis that this man in the mask is no longer whoever (or whatever) Michael Myers was before he snapped and killed his sister. Tommy Doyle, the kid whom Laurie is babysitting, calls Michael ‘the boogeyman’, a description that Laurie eventually adopts. Not even the end credits consider him to be a person anymore – they call him ‘The Shape’ (a tradition repeated in 2, 6, H20 and the 2018 sequel). And though 4 and 5 are chapters that credit him with his human name, 4 has a preacher who tells us that ‘Apocalypse, end of the world, Armageddon – it’s always got a face and a name… you can’t kill damnation, mister. It don’t die like a man dies.’ And 5 emphasises Michael’s Death status by having him wield a scythe like the grim reaper. He finds it in a barn, and uses it to kill a more watered-down personification of evil: a partygoer in a sexy devil costume, armed with a legitimate farmer’s pitchfork. There’s a popular notion – fuelled by the theories of Randy in Scream (Wes Craven, 1996), themselves inspired by the ‘Final Girl’ concept in Carol J. Clover’s book Men, Women and Chainsaws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film – that Laurie survives because she’s a virgin or a goody two-shoes. The latter is disprovable: Laurie shares two joints with Annie in the car. But I don’t see it as Laurie being rewarded for her good qualities. I see it as her having to go through all this because she’s the one that always has to deal with this shit while other people are out screwing around. That’s her personality and her lot in life. She runs errands for her dad’s real estate business, babysits to save up money, and takes care of Lindsey so that Annie can have fun with her boyfriend. Twenty years later, she’s the headmaster taking care of the rich people’s kids, and even then she stays behind and gets attacked by The Shape while most of the school has fun on a field trip. ‘Halloween II’ (Rick Rosenthal, 1981) A working title for Halloween was The Babysitter Murders, and though shifting the emphasis to the holiday setting was an ingenious hook, giving the heroine this societal role was also crucial. It’s this strange stage of growing-up where she’s not treated as an adult, yet trusted with the sacred task of protecting someone else’s children. Dr. Loomis held a related role – to understand young Michael and help him heal – but he has long since failed. Now his mission is just to tell everybody: Hey, this guy is evil, there was nothing I could do, now it’s your fault for not listening. His superiors pass the buck as well, declaring ‘I’m not responsible, Sam!’ Loomis wears a trench coat and carries a pistol, a self-styled warrior, a ‘good guy with a gun,’ our society’s prescription for murderers, terrorists, and other evils we don’t know how to understand. Not until part five, when he spends time with Jamie in a hospital, does he act like a child psychiatrist again. And he ends up yelling at her and being rightfully reprimanded by a nurse. In her status as a deputised adult, Laurie tries to console Tommy by telling him that there’s no such thing as a boogeyman. But after having been attacked, having shepherded the children to safety, and been rescued by Loomis, she breaks down and she and the doctor agree that that was the boogeyman that just came after her. The Shape has destroyed the comfort of her worldview. It is an evil that undermines belief in objective truth. When Halloween’s story continues in II, Laurie’s lacerations seem superficial, but she’s in such shock that they have to carry her out of the house on a stretcher, and she finds herself bed-ridden at Haddonfield Memorial. She has lost all agency, unable to even stop them from giving her a shot. The babysitter, having fulfilled her duty and returned her charges safely to their rightful guardians, now has no choice but to hand herself over to society’s official healers and protectors. But they are fallible. Sherriff Brackett (Charles Cyphers) wasn’t there to protect his own daughter, and has to end his shift to mourn. Some of the hospital staff are fucking around and don’t have their eye on the ball. The security guard is killed by the Shape, and a nurse who hasn’t been trained to use the walkie-talkie misses his message to call for help. Even safety regulations fail them – there is no way the sauna should be able to get to a temperature that’s actually labelled ‘scalding’ on the meter! The Shape repurposes that and other medical equipment (syringes, IVs) for killing, the opposite of their intended use. The Shape stalks his victims from where life begins, the maternity ward, across the medical facilities where we fight off death. The turning point comes when Laurie realises that she can’t count on the protection of society and must make a run for it. Loomis does protect her (by heroically blowing himself up with The Shape), and only after disobeying direct orders from the governor. Though III is the only Shape-less chapter – producer Carpenter’s once infamous, now generally appreciated attempt at an anthology series – its themes have much in common with II. Once again, the story begins with a victim taking refuge at a hospital, but this one is murdered by a killer who, rather than being burned up by Dr. Loomis, goes ahead and sets himself on fire. In the tradition of Loomis, Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins) is an MD who, upon witnessing bizarre happenings, abandons his role as a healer to become some sort of undercover vigilante detective. But it’s not always wise to take justice into your own hands. In 4, the old-timers at a bar form a posse and end up shooting an innocent man. And guns can’t really stop The Shape anyway. The sheriff later gives one to his daughter’s dumb boyfriend, but The Shape pulls it out of his hands and impales him with it. One admirable citizen is part three’s Good Samaritan gas station attendant (Essex Smith), who brings an injured man to the hospital. In one of the series’ very few hints of racial tension, the poor man is convinced that he will be blamed, but fulfills his duty anyway. He’s setting a good example for Laurie’s neighbours in the first film, who, when she comes screaming for help at their door, just turn the lights off. (To be fair, the neighbours who try to help Loomis’s nurse Marion in H20 end up getting killed.) In the original Celtic tradition, 1 November was the beginning of winter, and the night before – marked by the festival of Samhain – was when the barriers between the living and the dead were thinnest. You’d wear a mask to protect yourself from the spirits of the dead by causing them to confuse you for one of their own. ‘Halloween III: Season of the Witch’ (Tommy Lee Wallace, 1983) In a sense, The Shape reverses that concept. He is Death, but wearing a mask allows him to blend in with other holiday revellers. In both 5 and Resurrection he’s mistaken for pranksters disguised as him. Conversely, other people’s similar masks cause them to be mistaken for The Shape – in II, Ben Tramer is run over and set on fire in a case of mistaken identity. In 5, Spitz pranks the police and his girlfriend with a mask. If you think bringing Druids into this is a stretch, talk to Loomis, who brings up Samhain and fire rituals in II. Or talk to parts three and six, which both bring religion into the equation through contemporary cults building from ancient Celtic beliefs. In 6 we learn that, all along, Michael had been chosen by the regressive Druidic Thorn Cult to ritually sacrifice his next of kin on Samhain, when a certain constellation is visible. In the opening they have Jamie on a gurney, she’s about to give birth, and, as they roll her through hallways, the hospital decor gives way to torches and stone walls – they plan to take her baby for either a sacrifice or a recruit. In other words, they’re violating Jamie’s reproductive freedom, forcing their religion on her body. Rites before rights. In III – a story about deadly Halloween masks – cultists are forcing their backwards beliefs on us through capitalism. In this sense, the cult works less as a metaphor for religious zealotry than for the differing needs of a corporation and the community that surrounds it. Santa Mira, California is a company town, home of Silver Shamrock Novelty, the proto-Silicon Valley behemoth creating a high tech, mass-produced product that is heavily advertised to and coveted by children all across the country. The opening scene victim is basically a whistleblower, killed for trying to warn the world of their plans. Their CEO Mr. Cochrane has enough clout to spirit a woman maimed by one of their products to their ‘most marvelous facility for emergency treatment’. That treatment literally turns workers into automatons – biomechanical drones filled with clockwork and slime, willing to kill whistleblowers for the boss and very professionally self-immolate when the job is done. It’s unlikely that they unionise, or need vacation time or bonuses. The ideal employee. This is the trouble with allowing corporations to become too powerful – they pretend like they share the values of the community, but often they don’t. In this case, they follow ancient Celtic occultism and are creating masks equipped with special chips that, when activated by a special Halloween TV broadcast, will cause their wearers to melt into piles of goo and bugs and snakes. Which there should be regulations against, but the FCC is so compromised these days. I have family in broadcasting, and recently toured a building housing several different radio stations. It was the weekend and all the studios were dark, their shows playing from monitors and lights dancing up and down on the boards, but we didn’t see a single other person in the building, not even a janitor. I bring this up because of the climactic scene in which Dr. Challis calls the TV stations from a pay phone, begging them not to play the deadly broadcast. I always thought it was ludicrous that he manages to get two stations shut off that way. But if it happened now, obviously, there wouldn’t even be that slim chance. No-one would be there to answer the phone. Maybe you’d have to @ them on Twitter. In Resurrection it’s a start-up that tries to profit from evil, a webcam feed called Dangertainment that hypes up a live broadcast from the Myers house, where most of the participants are murdered while home viewers laugh and cheer, thinking it’s fake. And in the sequel to the remake it’s Dr. Loomis (Malcolm McDowell) who profiteers, cashing in on his psychiatric failure in order to sell books and speaking engagements. His crassness is criticised by the father of Laurie’s murdered friend Lisa, by Sheriff Brackett, and even by his own publicist. ‘Halloween’ (David Gordon Green, 2018) But the thing about true evil is that there doesn’t even have to be money involved. Death doesn’t need to get paid. In II, 4, 5, 6, H20 and Rob Zombie’s 2007 and 2009 films, Laurie, Jamie and Jamie’s baby are all marked by their familial connections. Halloween protagonists are comforted by non-genetic family – friends, adopted parents and siblings – but doomed by their actual relations. They can’t control who they were born to, but they’re cursed by it, worrying that their brother/uncle will find them or, in some cases, that they will inherit his evil. This is the Shape that haunts me most: the spectre of a hereditary disease that killed my dad, and could come for me some day. Even those who survive The Shape – like any form of violence or trauma – can be marked for life. In Rob Zombie’s Halloween II (2009) his version of Laurie suffers from intense Michael Myers nightmares. She lives with Annie, whose face is covered in knife scars, but who seems less psychologically damaged. In the director’s cut the two constantly fight, but in the theatrical cut they have a sweet bond as fellow survivors. When Laurie finds out that she’s related to Michael and takes it out on her friend, it separates the two right when they need each other the most. Laurie ends the movie smiling to herself in the sanitorium, and it could be explained as a genetic inheritance, some sort of supernatural transference, or as the result of extreme trauma. In 6, grown-up Tommy Doyle (now played by Paul Rudd) is still tormented by the memory of Michael Myers. He lives in a boarding house with a deranged woman who claims to have been Michael’s babysitter on the night he killed his sister. In 4, even Laurie’s daughter Jamie, who was not alive during the attacks, has nightmares and visions about The Shape. In 5, having been stalked and arguably possessed by him, she’s lost the ability to speak. In H20, Laurie has tried ‘12 steps, self-help, group therapy, shrinks meditation. Everything.’ Her cabinet is full of pills for dealing with her nightmares, and she’s labelled ‘a functioning alcoholic’ by her son, whom she keeps under lock and key. She constantly imagines Michael in reflections and shadows. Until she decides she can’t run anymore. When Laurie chases Michael Myers with an axe, to her it’s her brother who killed her friends and ruined her life. But to us it’s also The Shape, and The Shape is the inexplicability of random violence, the inevitability of death, the neglect of civil responsibilities, the failure of institutions, the intrusion of regressive beliefs on our lives, the inescapability of family ties, or traumatic memories. So – just as the character of The Shape is repeatedly resurrected by a succession of rights-holders, filtered through the worldviews of new storytellers, all working towards a more accurate reconstruction of that original mask – any attempt to explain or understand him has failed to demystify him enough to stop him. The forces he represents are forever. As Tommy Doyle says in 6, ‘You can’t control evil. You can lock it up, burn it and bury it, and pray that it dies, but it never will. It just… rests awhile. You can lock your doors, and say your prayers, but the evil is out there… waiting. And maybe, just maybe, it’s closer than you think.’ And yet, doesn’t it feel good that, forty years later, Laurie too has come back from the dead, and we’re still here with her, and we’re not too scared to face him again? Evil is eternal, but so too are its opposing forces. For every Shape there are a whole town of babysitters and doctors and sheriffs and orderlies and responsible gas station attendants, and most of us will get the chance to last a while. If we just try our best to keep the kids safe and answer the door when the neighbours come knocking, maybe we’ll be okay. The post The Shape of Evil: Confronting darkness through the ‘Halloween’ series appeared first on VERN'S REVIEWS on the FILMS of CINEMA. #Slashers #BlogPost(shortForWeblog) #JohnCarpenter #Halloween #Essays

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[legendsmag]

A COMPLETE RUN DOWN OF THE 2020 LEGENDS AWARDS PERFORMANCES

WINNIE KANE

Winnie Kane opened the evening with a double performance of “Lose You To Love Me” and her latest single, “Look At Her Now”. She started off a little shaky but that’s to be expected with a less experienced performer, especially on one of the biggest stages there is today. Visually she looked incredible. The black and white filter was a really nice touch. There were some timing issues, some pitch issues and I kept waiting for her to shake off the nerves, hoping that maybe something more high energy would help as she moved into “Look At Her Now”, it didn’t. Her dancing needs work, vocals need work, pretty much all of it needed several more days of rehearsal.

OLIVIA MARIE

The pick up in energy did take place once Olivia Marie took the stage to perform “Cool For The Summer” (very fittingly). She looked amazing, badass and much of that was reflected in her vocal delivery. The change of scenery was welcomed, she delivered her performance from the streets of LA, where the crowd seemed even more enthusiastic and loud. It was sexy, steamy and technically sound. This is how you deliver a performance.

RYDER TOMASI

The sole hip hop-rap performance of the night, Ryder Tomasi sings about “Stoner Girl” while clearly being inebriated himself. However it didn’t really distract from his performance. He did well for what it was, there wasn’t much expectation of anything better so Ryder did what hes known to do. Overall a fine performance. 

BELINDA BLANCHARD

Belinda Blanchard sings about how “California Gurls” are unforgettable while delivering one of the most forgettable performances of the night. Belinda, who is quite pregnant, pranced around in a metallic mini dress while doing half assed choreography with a set of backup dancers. You can tell her voice has some assistance, which isn’t uncommon during a performance, but it just made her sound fake and unenthusiastic. Not much else to say. She can do better, hopefully. 

MAXWELL HARPER-BENNETT

Maxwell Harper-Bennet never fails to be a crowd pleaser, even with a more mid tempo song like “Lights Up” he really gives his all on that stage. With very little production, mostly just him, a mic and a band backing him, he manages to shine and keep everyone invested in his performance. His little dance during the vocal break was very Max and you can tell that he honestly loves being on that stage. The audience backed him up on his last chorus continuing to prove he's a fan favorite. 

RYAN PRICE

Ryan Price mellowed things out with his performance of “Heart Out”, contrary to that of Max before him, but it works. His vocals were where they needed to be and he seemed to be having a good time up there, which clearly translated to the audience who joined in on the fun. Less spectacle, more music and it worked.

CALLAN DUFFY & MAIA KARIM

This performance was simply a beauty. Callan Duffy and Maia Karim are a duo that seemingly came out of nowhere but it works perfectly in the fact that it’s really a showcase of what happens when you bring two great talents together. Their voices blend so beautifully with one another, and Maia in a different stripped down setting was truly a sight to see. They suckered in the entire audience with this one, had everyone in the palm of their hands.

CHLOE ZUICQ & CARTER BLUE

Chloe Zuicq and Carter Blue were up next with a somewhat forgettable performance of their song “One Kiss”. Visually it looked really cool. The colors and stage production were lovely and, vocally, Chloe was near perfection but it just seemed rather low energy given the song they chose. It’s supposed to be a dance track yet Chloe, who we know is a great dancer, just kinda stood there swaying back and forth. Carter may have saved this performance just by live mixing it but honestly it was a bit of a low point in the show. Neither really put their all into it and it showed.  

QUINTON HARPER

Quinton Harper can sing! Vocally this was a huge stand out moment for the show. It wasn’t the radio version of the song everyone was expecting but honestly, this was way better. He did the entire first verse with minimal backup, proving to any of his haters that he really is that talented. Even when the band and backing vocals kicked in you couldn’t help but feel the passion Quinton brought with flawless vocal execution and the dance break on the rising platform was spectacular. 

LYNN SAWYER

The sole country performance of the night delivered by Lynn Sawyer did not disappoint. Her voice was on fire from start to end. Not shying away from the country roots and highlighting the banjo was a bold move, but that’s exactly what this entire performance was. Lynn brough the fire and owned that stage in a way no other performer that night had done. This performance felt straight out of a broadway show with it’s theatrical delivery and it was perfect. The choir was a delightful touch and really filled everything out beautifully. The lighting was stellar as well. The representation of country music was important and who better to deliver it?

ROMAN

It’s been a while since we’ve seen Roman deliver a performance, and it fit nicely into the program following Lynn’s fire. He kept things simple, but it was the unique nature of his voice that won over audiences. It’d have been nice if there was a little more energy kicked into him, but his voice emoted the song, “Take Me To Church” perfectly. The performance would have benefitted from some sort of spark or change of pace, but it served its purpose. The band sounded amazing, and that was what mattered here.

PENNY LANE

Penny Lane was next to take the stage and boy was this a performance you did not want to miss. She is simply THAT performer. We got the two sides of Lane we love and adore and the first side came through the flawlessly belted out “Imagine”, the title track of her latest album. It was clear she felt this one, and the feeling bled through to her vocal. She looked beautiful and the accompanying orchestra was a beautiful compliment to not only her voice but to the aesthetic of her performance. This part was short and sweet as she quickly dove into the classic “Favorite Things” as a transition into her most recent hit single “7 Rings” This triggered a loud audience reaction in addition to a costume and set change. Now we got the second side of Lane we love… the bad bitch. Featuring probably the best choreography of the night, this 7 Rings rendition was on point, featuring an impressive split moment to be remembered. She closed off with the final bridge and chorus of “Thank You, Next” which was delivered emotionally yet triumphantly as a grand finish.

KYLIE BLUE

I mean, really. Did anyone think that Kylie Blue would be anything other than mind blowing? From her wardrobe, to the stage, the features she included in her performance, to the choreography, it was everything you could want in a performance and then some. She kept the energy up with “You Need To Calm Down” a fitting choice given it being Pride month, however, it was her premiere of her new song “Lover” that stole the show. After a very quick wardrobe change, Kylie walked downstairs to the applause of the audience and delivered what could arguably be one of her best performances to date. Between showing Kylie the camera flashed around the audience highlighting some of the couples including a very sweet moment between Olivia Marie and Maxwell Harper-Bennett slow dancing but it was very clear Kylie only had eyes for one man as her attention kept being drawn back to sing lovingly to Callan Duffy (was that a tear, Callan?). Vocally she was flawless, proving once again that she can sing her heart out and we can already tell that this will be a fan favorite track off her upcoming album. 

YOUNGBLOOD

Youngblood, about to take off on tour, stood as the sole band to perform and, as always, did not fail to deliver. Levi’s vocals were on point, Zeus didn’t miss a single moment, Saint pulled double duty with piano and later on in the song bass and Benjy showed why he’s one of the best drummers in the game by not only keeping the rhythm steady but also providing major backing vocals with near flawless delivery. However it seemed like the chemistry was slightly off? The boys typically play off each other a lot more and this performance felt like four separate guys playing their roles but not really vibing? Hopefully it was just an off day. Maybe they were just a little tired from all the tour prep? 

ESSENCE WOODS

Closing out the show, Essence delivers a keen to the ear rendition of “Summertime Sadness” a song that has quickly taken the world by storm. There’s not much to the performance, just vocals and Essence taking up all of the attention but that’s pretty typical of an Essence Woods performance. There’s a wish for the show going out with a bigger bang performance wise, especially following up some of the nights earlier grandiose showcases, but the name Essence Woods is a pretty big thing in itself. She managed to keep the audience entertained however, as this served as one of her more vocally charged performances. It was also very beautiful to see the quartet of violinists accompanying the piano is a simple sonic setup that elevated the sound quality of the performance. The final chorus felt like a climax and a good send off to the show. Though we wish she had gone a little bigger, the performance was good on a bill of great showings.

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The Best: Quinton Harper definitely leaves tonight the golden boy despite only taking home one trophy. His performance is the one moment of the show people will be talking about for years to come. He proved his star status and talent.

The Worst: Belinda Blanchard/Winnie Kane both ladies could’ve given us much more here or much less and we would’ve been better satisfied. Both rookie performers here so the hiccups are expected.

[todokori-kun]

‘I’d even ship him with Shuu’ what have you done now I’m actually shipping that (Shuu trying to be his usual romantic, flirtatious self and then realising Urie either doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to get it)

I KNOW IT’S SO SAD

TG’s quality does seem to be going down a bit these last few chapters (I think the real problem started with the Touken romance. I swear I’m not being salty about a ship I don’t particularly like being canon, I just feel like the pacing was a bit bad…Touka’s ‘are you a virgin’ came completely out of the blue, plus Touken has hardly interacted in Re before the recent chapters. It’s been YEARS since they’ve seen each other, wouldn’t things have changed? Neither of them are teenagers anymore. Both of them have grown and changed, but Touka chose not to stay near Kaneki and watch his growth, while Kaneki had no way to see how Touka’s experiences gradually changed her. But Ishida decided to suddenly make it canon and then start focusing on the Touka-Kaneki-Mutsuki triangle to the point where it feels like he’s abandoning his other plot threads… kind of like what Isayama’s been doing lately.).

However, I believe that Ishida is completely capable of making things better if he wants to (remember, he still has the Hide trump card- bring Hide back in a believable way that nobody has predicted and also adds to the story, and I imagine most of the fandom will forgive everything that’s gone wrong in Re so far) so I’ll stick around. Plus, I’ve just gotten too attached to all the characters ;-;

Ugh, y'know, even if it wouldn’t fit very well with all the implied Mutsurie, I wish Ishida would just pull a plot twist and make Ken/Urie or Urie/Saiko canon.

I think I kinda hate centipedes now.

1: Yeah, I don’t think that’s Mutsuki’s hand either (like you said, it looked pretty 'fresh’. Plus, I have no idea how Mutsuki would have gotten one of the limbs Torso cut off). The only reason I mentioned it was because of the parallel with Torso showing Mutsuki their own hand with a wedding ring on it…Ishida loves his symbolism so I thought this might actually matter to the plot.

2: I think it was probably either a stranger or an acquaintance, since she seems slightly surprised and not exactly 'happy’ to see this person, but not afraid or displeased either. I’m scared…why would Ishida not show us who it was if it wasn’t something important? If things went well Yoriko’s probaby just gained some knowledge about what’s going on (perhaps she’s been told where Touka is and why she can’t come to the wedding?), but if not…perhaps a villain’s blackmailing her…idk :(

3: I want to believe that too, but I’m not sure yet. If there’s a reason for Yoriko looking so serious then that might be connected with the mystery character who greeted her when she was out shopping.

Thank you, that really means a lot to me <3 What I’m really worried about right now is that I go to a piano 'hagwon’ (a cram school of sorts, I guess?) and this year they’re going to do a small concert. Everyone who goes to the hagwon has to play a song and I have no idea how I’m going to do this ;-; just trying to look a person in the eyes when I’m talking to them scares me, how am I supposed to get on the stage in front of a crowd (a small crowd, since everyone there to see the concert will be the parents/family of the kids participating, but seriously). Things are just a bit complicated XD

Adorable Shuu. I guess that would just make me tease him even more LOL I’d probably ruin all his dramatic moments.

(Now that I think about it, though, Shuu and I have similar interests: music, fashion, art, literature…though I guess he’s a lot more interested in food than I am haha)

Oh, I’m so glad you liked them! I tried my best ;)

I actually like doing matchup things so that may be why they’re acceptable…if I ever get a tumblr account I think I’d like to make a scenario/hc/matchup blog.

As for Storm in Lover, yep, that was from your 'the names are weird’ message XD after I decided to add Love Live into the headcanons I ended up going on YT to listen to a few of the songs. They were all really cool, but it just felt like Storm in Lover would be Urie’s guilty pleasure song (or maybe that’s just because I ended up likng SiL way more than I was prepared for?)

BLOW US ALL AWAY QUEEN LUNA

I’M GLAD MY HUMBLE HEADCANONS COULD HELP

I WILL WRITE MORE

AS MANY AS YOU NEED TO GET THROUGH NEXT WEEK

(Seriously tho

-since your hair is either 'too long and in a ponytail’ or 'really short and in a ponytail’, Urie is secretly very, very disappointed when you’re wearing it short. He likes playing with your hair when you’re too busy watching TV or reading to notice he’s being cute ok

-short or long, whenever Urie gets a hold of your hair, he WILL style it. Don’t you dare say no to the Captain of the Q squad. A simple ponytail? Unacceptable.

-Saiko approves of this relationship

-So would Sasaki, if Sasaki still existed

-Shirazu approves from beyond the grave

-Mutsuki doesn’t care)

Thanks! <33 And yeah, I think I’m slowly starting to get the hang of it ^^

I find all of those moments very relatable. Golfishes unite! :D

Burr is one of those weirdly shippable characters that almost every fandom seems to have…

And oh, I see! Honestly Tony is still one of my favorite avengers…RDJ really brings him to life. And if you’ve seen Captain America I definitely recommend The Winter Soldier and Civil War (next movies in the series)! So much Bucky angst ;-; Also the Thor movies, because I have a feeling you might like Loki.

Some of the best Loki quotes:

“Well done, you’ve just decaptitated your grandfather!”

“An ant has no quarrel with a boot.”

“Freedom is life’s great lie.”

“Oh dear, is she dead?”

Btw, do you remember the time I said I’d write a Heathers one-shot on the Yoi blog and never did? I think I’m getting over my writer’s block so maybe I can write that one-shot and submit it here?(And if that’s ok, do you maybe have any suggestions for which character I could use? I was going to write it as a Yuuri/reader but that doesn’t seem to fit so well anymore, so I might go with a TG character…I’d also like to use a character you like, since you’ll probably be the only person reading it ^^;;)

Speaking of Heathers though, when you have the time, is it ok if I try to drag you into that fandom again? Along with Dear Evan(s) Hansen. It’ll hurt you very, very badly but it’ll probably be worth it.

Oh dear, even more rarepairs. And I’m the one who ‘invented’ this one. Well, like I’ve said, as long as Urie is happy, I don’t care about whom he’s with. 

ISHIDA IS A GHOUL, ONLY HE DOESN’T LIVE OFF OF DEAD HUMANS, HE LIVES OFF OF PEOPLE’S SUFFERING!!!

Honestly, you’ve voiced my thoughts perfectly. I can’t help but get irritated at all the changes that have been happening. For me, it started around the time we found out about Mutsuki’s past. I mean, can’t we have one character who had a nice childhood and isn’t insane deep inside? At this point, basically everything is overdoing it for me. Let them have a break. A nice moment. A single day without a centipede or someone dying.  TG is slowly turning into shoujo manga. A sick, twisted shoujo manga, but a romantic one. That is the one thing I didn’t want from it. It was actually nice to have a manga without pointless crushes which play an important role in the plot, for a change. Guess I was wrong.

Dude, I don’t care who he kills, if Ishida brings Hide back, he is automatically forgiven for everything and anything. Well, I would care if he killed characters like, but other than that, he’s free to kill anyone he wants (like Furuta (or maaaaybe Mutsuki, but I’d like it better if they redeemed themselves (though that might be difficult))).

I just… I want the cookie to be happy. And Mutsuki is definitely not making him happy.

Gaaah, so many questions and symbolisms, it’s making my head hurt. Here’s my theory: This is a huge setup for everyone to be happy. Mutsuki will run away to New Zealand or something and restart their life, Kaneki and Touka will get married (tho I don’t quite ship it, whatever, as long as they’re happy), Urie will realise he’s loved Saiko all along and she’ll be there waiting for him. Kanae is actually alive and so is Hide. Kanae and Shuu get married. Hide finds himself a nice girlfriend (or boyfriend, not gonna discriminate), opens a pet shop and is happy.

Everyone is happy. 

Okay, but imagine this au: ghouls don't exist and there's no reason for so much suffering. Kaneki and Touka are two kids who knew each other from school and now run a coffee shop together. The Q squad went ri the same class and Saiko alway loved Urie. He recently realised it. And so on.

Ah, I definitely know how you feel. I went to music school as well, and we had yearly (or half-yearly, depending on how long you’ve played the piano) recitals. My method of calming down was to imagine I was at home, alone and just practicing. There was no one around me, and it didn’t matter if I messed up. I could always start again. Also, the audience was vegetables, as far as my imagination was concerned. It did help.

I know you can do it (๑و•̀ω•́)و You’re a fighter! The great Evans who can always cheer me up when I’m down. If I’m the queen, then you’re the king! All hail king Evans who’ll kick the recital’s butt!

Oh you would ruin all his moments, and it would be the most amazing thing ever. I’d always laugh at it, cause he’d be denied of all his theatrics.

They’re not ‘acceptable’, they’re absolutely perfect. I seriously can’t thank you enough, because they were very nice cheer-up material after a whole morning of cramming my two least favourite subjects. I’m pretty sure you’d do amazing if you got a blog. You do have amazing talent for writing.

Oh my~ Would you mind then if I listed a few more songs, my favourites?

Yozora wa nandemo shitteru no?

Bokutachi wa Hitotsu no Hikari (there’s a bit of talking in this one, it’s hard to find a version that’s not sped up)

Omoi yo hitotsu ni nare

Mijuku dreamer

Guilty Eyes Fever

soldier game

Thrilling・One Way

Ookay, I’m done ^^ I’m telling you, Idol Hell is very subtle. You won’t even realise you’ve been dragged into it huehuehuehuehuehuehue

Aaand there goes my heart, again. I have no words to thank you enough for writing those, since they help me keep my sanity.

however, we know whom we’d like from TG, but what about other fandoms we share? AoT? YoI? Kuroshitsuji?

Yeah, I’ve been told many times that I’d like Loki, but strictly looks-wise, I must admit I prefer his brother, and I prefer him very much. Idk, I just have a thing for guys with slightly longer hair.

All of that sounds suspiciously like something I’d say…

Of course, feel free to submit anything here!  As for the musicals, I’d be happy to listen to them, but after this week is over, because exams. Then, I’ll listen to both Heathers and Dear Evan(s) Hansen, despite the feels ^^

[fueledbymovies]

This Week In Movies - May 8, 2017

Welcome, welcome to the 44th annual Hunger Games! I mean, to this week in movies! Let’s get caught up, shall we? 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 raked in a whopping $145 million dollars domestically this weekend. 

Fans showed up in flocks, and costume, to enjoy the second installment of this sleeper franchise. This is a 54% increase compared to when the movie opened in 2014. 

Be on the lookout for my review later this week, but for the TL;DR (too long, didn’t read) crowd, is this worth seeing? Definitely. Does it capture the magic of the original? Maybe not, but that might not be the point. More on that later…

The final Wonder Woman trailer has arrived and it does not disappoint. 

What’s great about this trailer is that, similar to Guardians Vol. 2, it still reveals little to nothing about the actual plot of the move. You’ll have to see it to find out, which I heard use to be the point of trailers. Maybe that was before my time, during a more civilized age…

Regardless, the princess of Themyscira is looking as badass as ever, accompanied by Imagine Dragons “Warrior”, her new anthem, to be sure. 

There’s been some talk about the marketing, or lack therof, for this blockbuster., being that it premieres in less than a month. There was talk on a recent SlashFilm podcast that perhaps the studio is waiting until the Guardians promotion dies down for them to amp it up for WW. I certainly hope that’s true, because this movie desperately needs to do well. Not only for DC, who does not have a reliable track record for, well, good movies (see Dawn of Justice and Suicide Squad), but also because this is setting the tone for female-led comic book franchises in the future. A Captain Marvel movie is in the works, but Wonder Woman has the burden of proving to other studios that yes, women AND MEN will see a comic book movie, regardless of the gender of the character, as long as it is a quality film. (Watch the trailer here).

The Blade Runner 2049 official trailer dropped on Tuesday. 

This movie has an October release date, which is worrisome for this blogger. Now, there’s not exactly a lot of competition that month, and with Summer being so oversaturated with sequels/franchises (Despicable Me 3, Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Dead Man Tell No Tales, The Mummy, Cars 3, War for the Planet of the Apes, Alien:Covenan, etc.) and December pretty much dominated by Star Wars: The Last Jedi, October may have been a better fit…or a slot to run and hide. But who knows? (Watch the trailer here).

(Original Blade Runner spoiler alert and rant) Fan chatter is once again ablaze with debates about whether or not Deckard, played by Harrison Ford, was actually a replicant in the original installment of this sci-fi noir flick. Admittedly, I have only seen the Final Cut of BR (which, apparently, is THE ONE to watch. I made sure to do my research, obviously). However, the theatrical and directors cut versions do differ. In the Final Cut, it is very heavily implied that Deckard was a replicant.  In fact, Ridley Scott actually confirmed this once upon a time.

 “He is definitely a replicant”, said Scott. Rumour has it that Ford didn’t necessarily agree with that statement. 

To sum up the buzz around the interwebs, most people agree that yes, replicants were supposed to have a four year life span. So Ford being aged in this installment proves that he is, in fact, a human. However, there is a lot of speculation that Deckard was a newer Nexus, like Rachel, whose lifespan could be unlimited. They wouldn’t have restrictions like the other replicants. There’s also speculation that Ryan Gosling, the lead for this sequel, could be a replicant. I’m betting we’ll find answers either way in October. 

A Hellboy Reboot is officially in the works.   

With a working title like “Hellboy: Rise of the Blood Queen”, how could this not be a winner? I say this with sarcasm. Spiderman: Homecoming, and the Ben Affleck Batman movie will set a better stage for what to expect for franchise reboots where the ink is barely dry from the last installments. I am personally not a huge fan of reboots so soon. Its setting a bad habit that the second the movie does “just OK”, we reboot and start over (See The Amazing Spiderman 2). Yeah, that worked out really well with the Fantastic 4 reboot.

My take on Hellboy is this: This movie will not help combat the comic book movie over-saturation that is currently happening. Here are the adaptations coming out in 2017 alone: 

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5)

Wonder Woman (June 5)

Spiderman: Homecoming (July 28)

Thor: Ragnarok (Nov. 3)

Justice League (Nov. 17)

Long gone are the days when fans counted themselves lucky to have a year when one, maybe two movies of this caliber came out. To reboot Hellboy, even in the near future, would be whatever the opposite of throwing the baby out with the bathwater is. It’s throwing candy on top of a sundae that already has strawberry syrup, sprinkles, fruit loops, candy corn, an entire Snickers bar, and a dozen Hershey’s kisses on top. Sounds great my head, sure, but I wouldn’t necessarily go out and eat one. I’m placing my bets early that this reboot will give viewers a stomach ache. 

[usstatesofsong]

Countdown to #Eurovision - Yearly Reviews - 1987

We’re a little under two months away from the next edition of the Eurovision Song Contest, and while we’re counting down the days toward ESC 2017, we’re going to revisit Eurovision song contests from the past and rank our favorites in each contest. (At least, through 1989... all the songs are out now!)

-------

Breaking the barrier, for a moment, between the Eurovision bubble and non-virtual reality. During the 1980s, and more recently, Belgium has been one of my favorite Eurovision countries, mostly because they don’t follow the middle path of typical pop music entries. They follow trends, or they go a bit avant-garde; they send flops, or they send gold. Their sole win in ESC history came in 1986, and thus, the European world tuned into Brussels in 1987 to watch the second-most 80’s-tastic contest the decade had to offer. The challenge was knowing who would “host” since Belgium alternates between the Walloon (French) and Flemish broadcasters for song entries. RTBF (the broadcaster of the winning artist, Sandra Kim), hosted the grand event, while BRT got to choose the singer.

First off, take a look at that logo. After viewing it a few times I finally realized it spells “87.” I’d love to meet the person who designed that logo… they chose the most 80’s-tastic colors. Even the hostess was in special 80’s form, and Brussels has my douze points for the most 80’s-tastic stage of the decade. It just kind of disappears into a dark abyss, which makes for some interesting antics during the performances. Speaking of the hostess, she was a statuesque woman by name of Viktor Lazlo. Sounds like a man’s name? That’s because her real name is Sonia. She’s my second-most favorite host of the decade, for many reasons! But I digress… the contest itself is memorable for bringing forth the real look of the decade, and not shying away from some 80’s-tastic tunes, as well. Some of my favorite entries of all time come from this contest - for better, or for worse. And all 22 (usual) countries participated! No excuses, no holiday boycotting, no mistakenly reentered songs - we have a full contest to swim through.

Another Eurovision blogger that I admire really detests the ‘87 contest, for reasons that I don’t completely agree with, but am willing to accept. There are some doozies, after all, that will make you question your true sexuality. Also, “Deeeeeee melodie!”

Alright, I’ve buffered this blog with all that I can muster. Let’s get to it, shall we?

1. NORWAY - Kate Gulbrandsen - Mitt liv (9th, 65 pts)

Well, she’s definitely on a mission! And not with just the hair… or the clothes… or the boots. You know what I’d really like to see? Someone taking on that combination in 2017. They’d earn a gold medal for braveness, because I think that style was dead by 1988. The song has a power to it, a developing force, trudging through tough times and overcoming the challenges of the world. It wouldn’t be out of place as the theme song of a movie. Although the song is titled “my life,” I imagine the way she describes her life in Norwegian is supposed to be relative. There’s just a bit of an empty feeling to this song, and the stage. All in all, not a bad start to the contest.

2. ISRAEL - Datner & Kushnir - Shir Habatlanim (8th, 73 pts.)

Lulz. So many lulz. What else do I need to say here? Lulz!!!! Israel, you loving bunch. Europe loves you right back. The fame of this song, and the legacy it holds because the Israeli Prime Minister of Culture or something like that wanted to resign if this song was sent… really?? Get the stick out of your butt. If anything, people love Israel more for songs like this. So, if you compare the ESC version of the song to the national final, this really comes alive and can be… somewhat understood as a legitimate entry. The orchestration sounds great in that big stage, and the little dances are so damn entertaining. There’s a 1950s vibe to the composition, but the singing is so unlike anything. It’s pure theatrics. Props to RTBF for cutting to the next shot as Avi’s in mid-air jump! WE NEVER KNOW IF HE COMES BACK DOWN!!! :D :D Such happy! Also, featuring the first song/performance to feature a handstand. And sunglasses (maybe). And hand-shimmies. And an abandoning of the microphone only to turn right back around on the last bar and jump and shout “Hah!” The Dutch broadcaster described it as “Blue Brothers”... and that sounds about right.

3. AUSTRIA - Gary Lux - Nur noch Gefühl (20th, 8 pts.)

I don’t remember this song making much of an impression on me during my first listen of the program. Years later, there’s more of an understanding of the sentiment and the feeling associated with the composition. Gary was a seasoned veteran of Eurovision by this point, so the performance was flawless… until the almost-end, when his voice cracked. Sigh… I wonder if that moment haunted him for many years after, because we wouldn’t see him again for nearly five years. Or maybe someone finally told him he needed to give it up, as it were. Who knows. All I know is that the song itself is lovely. It fits the mold of the decade of music I love nicely (as does his jacket - I hope it stayed there.) And while it probably was never going to win the contest, I have to wonder if it could have got more points.

4. ICELAND - Halla Margret - Hægt og hljótt (16th, 28 pts.)

It’s the end of a long night in downtown and it’s time to head on home… the bar is closing, the last drink has been drunk, and once again you’re alone. Nobody except the piano man, slowly and lightly playing away. That’s what this song makes me think about, and songs that make me think rank highly in my final points chart. This is one of my annual favorites, as it again could not have happened in any other decade than the 80’s, and because Halla is one hella good lookin’ nordic woman. Actually, it’s more that “anus in the, anus in the air” lyric that the English language cannot put to death. This is such an odd composition, as it never was going to go places with the juries. But it’s sweetness, kindness, lightness and brightness shine through. The most you could say about it is “boring,” but eff you. :P

5. BELGIUM - Liliane Saint-Pierre - Soldiers of Love (11th, 56 pts)

Wait a second, did you see the way Liliane looked in that postcard?? And also, how about the host country’s conductor not being Jo Carlier, but rather the other broadcaster’s conductor… conducting for the other broadcaster’s host entry... Okay, whatever. I’m fully aware of the confusion Belgium causes (I made a map about it in college). We desperately needed some kind of upbeat pop or rock number in this contest, and the host country delivered nicely. There’s a bit of an older vibe that I get from Liliane, but her dress is beyond epic, and so are the militaristic dance moves. I have to wonder if those gun-shaped guitars would be allowed on an airplane flight in today’s world. Definitely in the upper half of entries from 1987.

6. SWEDEN - Lotta Engberg - Boogaloo (12th, 50 pts.)

And now for something completely different! I have to give credit to Sweden for ditching the schlager route, as was common practice for the Scandinavian countries, and risking … tropical calypso? The bright colors of the outfits and the happy, upbeat, sunshiney atmosphere the song creates really helps you forget, if just momentarily, how dark and expansive that stage is. I’m not sure this is something I would want to listen to outside of the contest itself, but I appreciate the song for what it is, and Sweden has certainly sent worse. At the end, the “guitarist” throws his guitar in the air, and I’d have to wonder what kind of world we would be living in now if he failed to catch it and the guitar broke.

7. ITALY - Raf & Umberto Tozzi - Genti di mare (3rd, 103 pts.)

Welcome back (again), Italy, the perennial skippers of Eurovision, as it suits them. They would remain for quite a few years, possibly because this was one of their more successful streaks in the contest itself. To celebrate their return, the Italians sent arguably their two biggest male stars, which would never happen these days! This one had a big impact on me the first time I listened to the contest, having ranked it at my top until I had heard “Mr. Eurovision” sing later on - we will get to that. There’s a uniqueness to this composition, the beginning lyrics almost sounding like waves washing on the shores, for the “genti di mare,” and as it builds into a proper song (I wouldn’t quite call it a ballad), the anthemic quality of it all is awesome. Umberto is definitively one of the strongest singers of the contest, and carries this song into ‘contender’ territory for the title.

8. PORTUGAL - Nevada - Neste barco à vela (18th, 15 pts.)

I really like the beginning of this one, with the way the violins and guitars (?) play, but I’m sorry, it’s ruined the moment he starts singing. It’s just… I’ve never felt as though a baritone voice can carry a song to victory in Eurovision. Also, nice librarians that you hired as backup singers there. I suppose this is okay, but I’ve been spoilt with such thematic songs up to this point that fit the mold of the decade, and this song does not. But hey, they beat Spain in ‘87! Small victories.

9. SPAIN - Patricia Kraus - No estás solo (19th, 10 pts)

Oh. Goodness. Certainly, she’s had a bit of coffee before walking out to that stage! One wonders what it’s like to be squeezed to death at the waist while literally shouting some of the lyrics. Or that she smeared some lipstick on her cheeks and decided to leave it there. Terry Wogan calls her “challenging,” and that’s an adequate summation. Admittedly, this is another one where I’d say it starts out good, but Patricia ruins it with the way she sings. I get the feeling like this is supposed to be a song of declaration, a pronouncement, and she tries to oversell it, thus ruining herself in the process. Also, “Oh yay!” appears about twenty times too many during the song. Finally, she destroys any opportunity of redemption on that last note. It’s too bad; I think this really could have been a good song!

10. TURKEY - Seyyal Taner & Lokomotif - Şarkım Sevgi Üstüne (22nd, 0 pts.)

This one, on the other hand, makes Spain look like a masterpiece. I could go on for hours about this. When I watched a recap of worst performances during the most recent Norwegian hosting of ESC, this was the first highlight, as it were, and I became infatuated with the songs featured in that recap. It’s baaaaad, folks. But it ventures into the “so bad it’s good” territory, thankfully. What particularly is bad is hard to say, since everything about it is so over-the-top - from the constant movement, to the white clothes, to the male singer’s solo fail, to the “Deeeeeeeeee melodi” theme, or perhaps even those clunky cowbell keyboard sounds. This has not aged well, and I think this song’s existence was 20 years too early. The fandom has certainly come around to this one, but this must have been looked down on back in the day, since it received nul points. Turkey always gets treated like poop, but thankfully everyone enjoys their poop these days. Mercy me.

11. GREECE - Bang - Stop (10th, 64 pts)

And now, the Greek George Michael. They certainly knew what they were doing, those Greeks… anyways, this has an old-fashioned charm to it that most sounds like Wham!’s single, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” but perhaps without the soaring vocals. However, Thanos’ vocals didn’t really need to be soaring for this number, and I like the bopping energy of this one. Greece wasn’t usually known for sending dance numbers, so this was a breath of fresh air. What I really want to know, though - which of those backup singers is Mariana! I can’t tell!

12. NETHERLANDS - Marcha - Rechtop in de wind (t-5th, 83 pts)

It kinda sounds like two songs combined into one! Marcha couldn’t decide whether she wanted to sing a ballad or a pop hit at Eurovision, so she took both. It’s not all that bad; she looks knock-dead gorgeous (I mean, not just by 80’s standards), and this has a very contemporary feel to it. The only problem, I would say, is that I have very little else to say about it. For being such a contemporary song with a strong beat and jamming melody, there’s nothing to latch onto. She comes on the stage and she does her thing; she owns it. The juries love that stuff, yo, thus why the Dutch scored a rare Top 5 with it.

13. LUXEMBOURG - Plastic Bertrand - Amour, amour (21st, 4 pts)

It’s all good and well in these types of reviews until you’re introduced to something from the left-most edge of the left field. What do you think audiences back then thought about this song? Because I can tell you plenty about what people think about it thirty years later. M. Bertrand is an… unique, engaging fellow. And if there was any one person who worked the stage that night in Brussels, it was him. He’s wearing a godddamn pink suitjacket, for heaven’s sakes! But guys, sexuality aside, unless you absolutely love new wave music, you’re probably not going to like this one. My fondness of this song stems from the style of music combined with the over-the-top appeal, but even then, I can’t award it too highly. And they destroyed some of the original quality when it transferred over to the orchestra. All that aside, though, this is a Eurovision classic; a must-watch.

14. UNITED KINGDOM - Rikki - Only the Light (13th, 47 pts.)

This was the poop-bird of Britain’s hot streak; perhaps a strong representation that you can’t always win just because you sing in English. And it started from (almost) the first note, with Rikki’s vocals as he shouts “Woahhhh!!!” above everything else going on. I’d almost think that the composition itself backfired upon the band, because there’s so much energy in the performance and in the dance moves, and when Rikki isn’t trying to smooth-move sooth you there’s an element of strength to the song.

15. FRANCE - Christine Minier - Les mots d'amour n'ont pas de dimanche (14th, 44 pts.)

The words of love are not some Sunday? Well, okay. Sure. Okay, past that point. This just comes off as a really average-sounding pageant song. Like the kind of thing you’d sing in Miss Universe. I give credit to actually using the orchestra for the song, which most of the other acts didn’t do that night. But that’s as far as I can go with this - she’s not even that vocally strong of a singer. Next.

16. GERMANY - Wind - Lass die Sonne in dein Herz (2nd, 141 pts.)

A couple things here - how sad for this group to have come 2nd place twice!?! Just so that Johnny Logan could win twice… Also, freakin’ half of Milli Vanilli! Why is he there?? Like, this must be pre-MV fame, and he was a “fake” singer, so … what is he doing there? Was he just like, the poster-boy for German pop music? What would have Wind done if they had won? Would we still have had Milli Vanilli, or would he have become an honorary member of Wind and gone on to great Eurovision success? Was it about the image? A Caribbean look, which admittedly is what this song tries to provide? I do have to say I like this more than their 1985 attempt, because the vocals are spot-on! But it also has a somewhat empty feeling to it, just like the UK did. I can award some points to Germany for this breath of fresh air, but it’s not the true winner of the evening.

17. CYPRUS - Alexia - Aspro mavro (7th, 80 pts)

Say it isn’t so! Cyprus went the schlager route in 1987, as if it wasn’t bad enough that some Scandinavian countries couldn’t get their heads out of the sand to send something outside the genre around this time. Appropriately she’s wearing black and white, and she’s go the sweet little side-step dances to go with it. Delaying for time and for critique, because this is not really my cup of tea and I find Alexia’s voice a bit grating at times; a bit nasal. Like, the song does get stuck in my head ever so slightly, but my reimagining of her voice in my head is less than complimentary. We’ll see where this lands at the end.

18. FINLAND - Vicky Rosti & Boulevard - Sata salamaa (15th, 32 pts.)

I think the only real crime to this is that it finished with less points than France. But if you’re going to do anything with schlager, this is one route you can go where you don’t immediately lose all credibility with me. It also helps if you’re a redhead (I have a thing for redheads…) Vicky combines the glam rock from that decade with a pop-infused schlager tune, and while it’s not my favorite thing of the night, I don’t forget the song so quickly, either. And that’s a good thing for this contest, all things considered! I also like the way she rolls her ‘r’s. I wish I could do that...

19. DENMARK - Anne-Cathrine Herdorf & Bandjo - En lille melodi (t-5th, 83 pts.)

This is basically the ‘87 version of Spain ‘84, or Germany-87-lite. It’s called “A little melody” because there’s only a little bit of melody to this, otherwise it again sounds so empty and lost during the chorus parts. It picks up a little bit on the start of the second chorus, but that’s literally just me trying to latch onto something. But, of course, this is something that the juries would fall for back in those days. Sigh...

20. IRELAND - Johnny Logan - Hold Me Now (1st, 172 pts)

Really the only deserved winner of the evening. Everything just comes together really well, from the orchestrated composition (I swear Ireland is the only nation that uses the french horn appropriately), to the lyrics, to the vocals, and to the contemporary feeling of the single. This comes alive so much more than the demo version, which tries too desperately to fit in the era of 80’s ballads. And Johnny always knows how to finish on a fantastic note. I can’t really criticize this if I tried. So, three cheers for the orange, green, and white. With St. Patrick’s Day upcoming, I award you with the only true score deserved for this piece of Eurovision history - nobody else has ever won twice.

21. YUGOSLAVIA - Novi Fosili - Ja sam za ples (4th, 92 pts)

It’s weird how most of the schlager of ‘87 got all sandwiched towards the end of the presentation! But this is another one I can tolerate, as it is more of a throwback to the 50’s and 60’s era of pop dance, rather than just big-band poppity trash waste. And the lead singer really sells it, too, with her constant moving and … umm, hiccups? I don’t know how else to describe those sounds. This group is so Slavic, and yet, it all comes together. It’s a precursor to 1989, that’s for sure, and the country earned another Top 5 finish for the boys and girls back home.

22. SWITZERLAND - Carol Rich - Moitié, moitié (17th, 26 pts)

Gosh, she’s a little fireball of energy, isn’t she? Apparently the Swiss didn’t even need a conductor, as hostess Lazlo awkwardly cuts to Rich running from off-stage right to demand a tap of the foot or two. I’d love to know what the thought-process was for the outfitting of her (American stars on top, Australian stars on bottom?) and the group, with headbands and guitar accessories, who are alarmingly reminding me of Sweden’s profession to mediocrity from the year before. In all honesty this is too streamline for my tastes, and apparently I wasn’t alone in that deduction as the juries didn’t buy into it either.

As I said previously, Logan won for the second time. And it was against a field of random hullabaloo, just like in 1980. I’m reminded how this song elevates in comparison to “What’s Another Year,” and in comparison to everything else sent that year. Yeah, I suppose this wasn’t the grandest of editions musically, but there’s still a lot here that I adore, and I think when there’s a grander variety of music, the joyful feelings illuminate the memory and make the contest so much more interesting. I award the actual winner the 12 points, and I drop a big fat zero on the senorita who got lost in her own world. Greece was the only country to award her points, after all - otherwise she would have finished with nul points, just like the musical travesty that was Turkey! Anywho, there was a serious upgrade in sophistication, technology, and harmony in 1987; what would we get out of the Irish in ‘88?

My votes:

12 – Ireland 10 – Iceland 8 – Italy 7 – Austria 6 – Israel 5 – Yugoslavia (Croatia) 4 – Germany 3 – Belgium 2 – Finland 1 – Luxembourg

The “Big Fat 0” award: Spain Honorable Mention: Sweden, Greece Worst Dressed: Switzerland

And here is the overall count of points since beginning these reviews with the ‘80 contest. It’s a best-of-best race, as Germany is now within one point. Israel and Ireland gain some ground, and it will be pretty interesting who we finish out with on top by the end of the decade. How would your rankings look?

1st - 45 – Belgium (1986) 2nd - 44 – Germany (1982, 1983) 3rd - 36 – Israel 4th - 35 – Ireland (1980, 1987) 5th - 31 – Austria 27 – Turkey 24 – Norway (1985) 21 – Portugal 20 – Italy (1984) 20 – Luxembourg 20 – Sweden 18 – Finland 18 – Greece (1981) 17 – France 16 – Spain 14 – United Kingdom 12 – Netherlands  11 – Denmark 11 - Iceland 9 – Croatia 9 – Cyprus 6 – Switzerland

-50SS