#coherency is not beneath the cut fyi and i don't trigger warn for my own life

[ghostofasecretary]

trying to do something more than void screaming and uh. not going great

but since i haven't actually screamed:

wow, dude, it is becoming increasingly clear to me how much of the last two years i've spent not having emotions around all the vaguely shitty (and some tremendously shitty) things that've happened in my life!! and now that i'm thinking about moving, it's. like. oh right i used to have a wider range of emotions. i used to get mad because i wanted my life to be better and felt that it was possible. i was not actually always chill about things. my chill is mostly a response to crushing anxiety and misery actually!

and i'm, like. i was horrifically lonely for the first 8 months after moving back in with my parents in May 2022 and then it subsided until the last time a friend came to visit in January 24, which was lovely and then i cried for a few hours and felt like my chest was ripped open and i called another friend and sobbed until i was functional again

(i also cried on the way home from a vacation spent visiting friends but it was a bit easier to box that up again)

how much of my life has just been getting to function under a deep layer of unhappiness!!

and like, i'm not gonna knock getting to function. i fully did not have enough energy to do anything from, like, February to May 23. and i had very little energy after that, though more! and i worked from May to a few days ago, which i did because i found even more energy. but it was terrifying to be so knocked out i couldn't apply for jobs or think about the future or my finances, and that went on realistically for like 8+ months, and that makes me want to cry but. well. that's life. and i did get my accounting back on track and i took a class and i figured out some food stuff and i, y'know. was alive?

but i want to be happy. i want my life to be good. i don't want to spend years being miserable--i say, as if i don't dream about getting a PhD, y'know, The Process Where You're Miserable For 5-7 Years And Then Your Future Is Still Horribly Uncertain (but also you get to be super nerdy so. points!?)--and i don't want to have feelings about the past! i've had PTSD twice, surely that's enough rumination for anyone!

and i know it doesn't work like that. i know. it's okay to have feelings and it's okay for things to not work out.

but my growing awareness of, Oh Right, Used To Be Different, Used To Feel Less Resignation has mostly been coupled with, like, more anxiety and way less getting things done. and i would like to get things done and be less anxious! rude that that isn't happening!!

i dunno. i don't think i'm necessarily thinking clearly about any of this or drawing accurate conclusions, i just. needed to make some words about the storm i'm feeling

tomorrow i have three tasks and some bonus ones. tonight i can maybe get a head start on some of them or work on some little ones and that'll be good for me.

i'll be fine. i may also, like, scream for a good long while and be tremendously upset and have a bunch of "hahaha wow living with my rapey ex the first time i ever lived in a city sure was something, surely this will have no impact on me" feelings! but i'll also do laundry. so who is the real winner.