#clara once again i have fucked around on tumblr without answering your asks. to you and the many others i haven't answered. i am sorry

[boomerang109]

okay @bubbled-clouds i’m going to respond to your tags as it’s own post and definitely not because i’m avoiding homework. i would never. before i actually talk about the question i just have to say that the fact that you were just casually wondering if *i* do something knocked me out. being perceived is insane

anyway, idk how much i did or didn’t talk about this but from like august to january i was living completely alone (cause y’know, when you have a depressed 18yo who’s known for not asking for help, it’s always a good idea to leave them alone during a pandorica) and especially in, idk exactly, november-january the most human interaction i would get was with people who called me boom. and suddenly, i would be completely alone and i’d go “nice one, boom” or “you’ve got this, boom” and i was 👀 because oh no, had i forgotten my own name? and then, i was like wait. what if i prefer boom because my internet self is truer to me than the self i have to be for my family/the world?

so like always, i went to my favorite cis to ask weird questions: @hella1975​ and i said something like, “hey, do you prefer hella to [REDACTED]? cause idk if i like boom for ✨gender✨ reasons or just for fun.” and she was like, “nah, i like hella, but [REDACTED] still seems more special” (or something idk) and then she was like, “maybe you prefer boom cause it’s gender neutral?” and it annoys me cause i was literally named after a man and i’ve always always said i like that my name is technically gender neutral, but the spelling is more feminine. so i was like, hmmm. but then i realized, it wasn’t the name itself, so much as who called me the name. with (a thankfully increasing amount of exceptions) my irl name, people perceive me as feminine regardless of the name’s gender neutrality. boom, on the other hand, is me in all meanings of the word--including ✨gender✨

so that was a really long winded way of saying, yes i do a lot of the time call myself boom. (although i don’t think i call myself anything rn cause my brain is too confused since i have an equal amount of irls/online interaction). and i typed out my whole reasonings/thoughts/feels cause i’d love if any other ppl wanted to chime in with how they feel about gender and their online names!