#chances are I'll keep going down into the pit. let's arrest that descent | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

david-watts · 1 month ago

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it's a bit rich coming from me. so fucking useless that I haven't managed to do anything worse than leave words that appear on my arms when I get out of the shower and some cognitive decline in so many years of trying and threatening. but I genuinely believe it would be better for everyone involved if I weren't here

#think about it. don't have to worry about when I get worse in all ways #when I'm in too much pain to function. too ill to function. can't be left unsupervised like I'm a child #no longer a burden on anyone #it's been five years and I've failed. I failed myself. I failed everyone that wanted things for me in a genuine way #because for all that I think most people are using me in some way for their own benefit I know some of you genuinely do care #but it's mostly failing myself #I used to dream of waiting and sighing in relief by the back door. head resting against the weatherboard #I would sneak down the back steps and jump over the gate because the latch was noisy and honestly it wasn't hard to jump #even for me. can't jump for shit.#then up the driveway and out onto the street. it wouldn't be far to either corner and I could vanish out of sight #I failed that dream.#what's the saying? you either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain #it's like that in a way. live long enough and you'll see everything fall to shit and become pathetic #I should've died when it wasn't pathetic. because that's what I am. I've been trying for years and if I can't do it what am I #pathetic! that's it!#pathetically hoping that the universe will acknowledge the debt it owes me #the universe won't acknowledge shit. it doesn't care in the sense that it doesn't have a consciousness that cares about balance and justice #it's not operating off of those rules #chances are I'll keep going down into the pit. let's arrest that descent

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