#cc!ranboo don't you even plan on doing any sort of additional dsmp finale unless its simply releasing the lore doc.

[raspberryberyl]

The crazy whiplash from crying earlier today that I didn't see a future for myself and just wanted to die, to now its midnight and I can't sleep because I'm afraid im going to die for real and I don't want to die really.

If I die I want it to be by my choice, on my terms. I want to be able to say goodbye. so the static intrusive thoughts that Im going to die tonight are driving me insane. I don't really want to die, I just want to be happy. But if I'm going to die, I also want to do it my way.... Its not like I'm super hopeful my life will improve and get better, its just that I don't want to go before I'm ready.

I know these are probably just crazy ocd midnight intrusive post suicide hotline thoughts, and that I should probably just go to sleep, that I will be here in the morning. But I'm scared. I'm scared at even that small one in a million chance that I die tonight, and no one gets to know how I truly felt. I don't know how to calm down.

I think its kinda funny that I was in the middle of sobbing and contemplating suicide, and then the quackity finale happened. I didn't watch it myself, just saw people's live blogging, but ah kinda funny (not) that one of my favorite characters commits suicide (repeatedly) while I'm contemplating. And I'm not happy with the ending, but at least I can laugh about it. The dsmp has always felt very rooted and connected in my suicidal thoughts and past. These were real characters that I could relate to. Tommy safely jumping off that tower and choosing to continue to fight and live on, I guess it gave me hope, that I could too. I'm very disappointed in the end of several characters committing suicide, how this story seemed to glorify it almost (looking at ghostboo) but at least c!Tommy lives, and hes happy, with tubbo.

Maybe I can laugh about how yet another block man decides that killing themself is the right answer, that leads me to think of c!Tommy continues moving forward, to then realizing 'maybe this quackity finale was bad, but at least most of my dash is coming together to collectively talk about it, laugh at how horrible it is. make jokes and reminisce. and yeah, it might sound and be a miserable reason, but its at least a reason, that I want to live.' To continue having these fun moments with my dash, where maybe I am not directly involved, but it reminds me of the joys of life. The good times, laughing and crying with the dash in the past, and the possibility of missing out on something great in the future. Funny that its a blorbo committing to remind you why you want to live. And now I do want to live, but for some reason I'm so scared that If I close my eyes to sleep. I will never open them again.

I know surely I will awake tomorrow, but on the smallest chance I might not, well there's no time to say everything i want to say, so just thank you mcyt community ❤️