#cause it does have a couple issues with tone and pronunciation and pauses that I can really only navigate with fics I'm familiar with

[chaoticeddie]

downloaded a browser that will read out webpages and has a bunch of different voices to choose from and works really well with ao3 and holy shit my life has been CHANGED

[naughtylokiconfessionstories]

Loki's Apology II: The Press Conference

By:  jotun-philosopher

A/N: I figured that in an in-universe context, Loki making an apology (like the one in my last fic) would create a massive media storm, and that things would get… interesting… pretty quickly, ‘cause, y'know, Loki + reporters XD I guess I’ve settled on the ’S.H.I.E.L.D.-backed’ idea for the apology, ‘cos this ficlet wouldn’t make much sense otherwise… Caution: possible minor spoilers for Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (esp. S4) (Bonus: spot the random Discworld reference!) (Disclaimer: I have no idea how this sort of press conference would actually work, so I’ve pretty much pulled the proceedings out of my arse XD)

SCENE XX.X

EXTERIOR: OUTDOOR PRESS CONFERENCE SETUP, DAY

[DIRECTOR MACE is near the podium, twiddling with last-minute details. LOKI, in his black suit, stands slightly behind him and to his left, looking uncomfortable and fiddling with his left palm, while THOR stands on his left, holding Loki’s arm and looking slightly grim. Arrayed behind them are Daisy, Coulson (carrying Bambino – the Destroyer gun), and other agents. A crowd of various REPORTERS and members of the public are in attendance, variously chattering, shifting warily and eyeing Loki with varying levels of hostility. MACE steps up to the podium.]

MACE

Good morning, everyone, and thank you for attending. I am Jeffrey Mace, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. We are here today so that you can put to Loki [gestures towards him; Loki gives a tense, unsmiling nod] any questions you might have for him after his recent apology for the events in New York in 2012. I—

REPORTER #1

[interrupting] Director Mace, are we safe here? What is there to stop this maniac [points at Loki, who looks annoyed] from simply attacking us again?

MACE

[diplomatic and reassuring] Ma'am, there is no cause for alarm. Loki has been thoroughly psychologically vetted by the best professionals S.H.I.E.L.D. has available, who have deemed him safe to attend this event in person. [REPORTER #1 looks sceptical, while Loki rolls his eyes snarkily] Furthermore, Thor himself offered to supervise his brother today [Thor waves and waggles Mjollnir while smiling slightly] and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most formidable agents also volunteered to keep Loki in check—

[Daisy waves to the crowd and makes a 'behave or I’ll Quake your ass’ gesture to Loki, while Coulson brandishes Bambino with an 'I know what this does now’ raised eyebrow; both manage to look simultaneously badass and adorkable. Loki just looks annoyed.]

—so I can assure you that you need have no concerns for your safety. And now, without further ado, here is Loki to answer your questions.

[Mace steps down from the podium, to much flashing of cameras. Loki moves towards it, ducking a couple of thrown missiles along the way, but is briefly paused by Thor giving him a quick, encouraging 'you can do this’ squeeze on the shoulder. Loki accepts it and the two share a brief, complicated brotherly look before he gives a quick nod and continues to the podium]

LOKI

So, umm… first question?

REPORTER #1

Why did it take you so long to make this apology? It’s been over five years since the Battle of New York.

LOKI

[slowly, with a certain flatness]

From a psychological perspective, I was not capable of making the apology before now, because I was so deeply in denial about my role in the events, as well as being consumed with anger about certain things that happened prior to my encountering the Chitauri. [a bit of brittle chirpiness creeps into his tone and he starts speaking slightly more quickly] In practical terms, of course, I was unable to apologise owing to being locked in the palace dungeons up to the time of the Convergence and, afterwards, due to an… interesting concatenation of circumstances stemming from the Dark Elves’ attack on Asgard [crowd murmurs in surprise], I was carrying out extremely important and highly classified political duties for the Asgardian government, so… [gives a slightly manic not-quite-a-smile; in the background, Thor’s expression tightens briefly]

REPORTER #2

What prompted you to finally make your apology?

LOKI

A few things – psychologically recovering to the point where I was able to speak the words and mean them, thinking about what my m… certain people whose opinion I have always valued would want, and S.H.I.E.L.D.’s joint heads of Science & Technology introducing me to Undertale. [flurry of disbelieving noise from the crowd; Loki holds up a hand and continues cheerfully] I’m quite serious! They recommended the game to me during a physical assessment, as having some very cogent moral commentary that happens to be extremely relevant to my own actions. And so it proved. All I’ll say is: flowers should not be that blooming disturbing!

[appreciative chuckles from the crowd]

REPORTER #3

Why did you include that bit at the end about 'do not less your losses make you hateful’? It seemed a little out of step with the rest of the speech.

LOKI

[serious, with strength and emotion]

I’m aware of a great deal of anti-Inhuman xenophobia in current discourse, which some of its proponents support by citing the Chitauri attack. Quite apart from the fact that that’s total bollocks, ehehe – the Chitauri have nothing whatsoever to do with any aspect of the existence of Inhumans – I know from bitter personal experience that lashing out at others in rage or grief, causing them pain, whether these others are connected to the source of one’s hurt or not, achieves nothing positive – only further pain – and has a mentally corrosive effect on the one lashing out. Furthermore, I can identify with the Inhuman side of the equation in some ways, so this issue is something of an emotional flashpoint for me. If preventing even one person from having to experience that kind of hurt will help to atone for the damage I caused, then I’ll do what I can.

[a beat, awkward silence – it’s pretty clear that none of the crowd expected THAT answer. After a moment of miscellaneous shuffling and staring-at-feet, REPORTER #4 coughs politely]

REPORTER #4

You alluded to having stabbed or killed an Agent Coulson at some point during the incident, but that very same agent has been noticeably active in recent times – how’s that possible?

LOKI, MACE AND COULSON

[cheerfully, in sync]

That’s classified!

REPORTER #1

You alluded to a 'complicated context’ for your actions. [Loki nods] Can you clarify that?

LOKI

[grimly]

Not without dissolving into a screaming wreck while being beset with horrible flashbacks, I’m afraid – I’ve not recovered *that* far. [humourless half-smile]

REPORTER #1

Are you a Frost Giant [Loki flinches as though struck with a half-brick in a sock] – what’s the word? – [with a hard J/G sound] Jo- Jot-

LOKI

[annoyed]

[correct pronunciation] Jotun? That’s not something I wish to disclose either way.

REPORTER #1

Is it relevant to your 'context’ and the condition you mentioned being in when you arrived on Earth?

LOKI

Relevant? [bitter laugh] To my having been afflicted with heat exhaustion? [shakes his head while making incoherent laugh/distress noises and sagging slightly against the podium. Thor rushes up, glares briefly at Reporter #1 and puts a supporting arm around Loki’s shoulders]

THOR

[sotto voce]

Are you all right, brother? Do you need to step away?

LOKI

[sotto voce]

I’ll be fine, just… [draws a shaky breath] Just give me a couple of seconds…

[Thor nods. Loki draws a few, slightly steadier, breaths and seems to collect himself. Thor gives him a quick side-hug and backs off a bit, but stays close by, looking wary]

LOKI

[slightly forced, 'pay no attention to my little breakdown’ cheerfulness]

Any less… invasive… questions?

REPORTER #5

What’s your opinion on the views that’ve been making the rounds recently, that you should have been allowed to conquer the planet in 2012, or that you should be allowed to rule the world, or at least the US, now?

LOKI

[genuinely cheerful]

Well, given the state of my mind in 2012, having me take over anything would have been a pretty dreadful idea! Now, though, if people really want my rule, and there’s a vacancy… [makes a shrug-ish gesture like the one in this picture – I don’t know how to describe it in words, sorry XD] …lead me to it! Ehehehe [grins]

[rumble of amusement from the crowd. A woman wearing a 'Yuri!!! On Ice’ T-shirt pipes up, looking mischievous]

BYSTANDER

Did you really have sex with a horse?

[the S.H.I.E.L.D. contingent get varying expressions of 'WTF?’ and 'Uh oh’, while Thor facepalms slightly – he knows this story – and Loki looks positively gleeful]

LOKI

[massive grin]

Nope! I made that one up to mess with a bard who was acting like the skaldic equivalent of a tabloid journalist. [nervous chuckles from the reporters] No, Sleipnir was a random mutation produced in the way horses normally come about – no shapeshifting involved. [chuckles to himself and looks even more mischievous] If you want amusing anecdotes about me and hoofed mammals, there’s always the Goat Incident— [Thor gets an 'OH CRAP’ expression and braces to leap] —which was reported in the Prose Edda, although Sturlusson took it waaay out of cont-mmppphhhhhhh! [Thor leaps on him, claps a hand over his mouth, wraps his other arm around Loki’s upper torso and forcibly drags him from the podium]

THOR

We do not speak of the Goat Incident!

[beat]

MACE

[approaches the podium]

End of conference… I guess?