#cause in reality he's been rly skimpin on the aftercare lately n that's. not great. makes the inevitable crash a whole lot worse | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kindacreepy-kindaugly · 10 months ago

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I wonder if I'm makin things better or worse for the collective bein like this. On one hand I'm not happy or makin any progress towards it, but...I can't rly even imagine that. I can't imagine a life without him. It's not that I don't want it, on some level I know it'd be better for me, but...I can't even dream about it cause I just can't imagine it at all.

On the other hand I make a great decoy. He's basically dropped all interest in Angel cause now he knows I'm the one who still wants him n loves him n can't exist without him. So at least one of us will make it out this time, I think.

#mafia honey #it's not a self-sacrificing thing. i'd stay all the same even if it did nothin for anyone else. but it's nice that it does!#at least some good that'll come out of this fucking mess #whatever happens to me is.....i mean it'd happen anyway. i'm neither ready or strong enough to try n get away. i don't rly even want to #i'd rather just stick around n trick myself into thinkin maybe someday he'll care about me too #i guess i make a pretty good pet too. i don't rly talk back anymore or get angry or say no. i don't make a fuss about much.#n i mean....contract or no the chain's still there. he knows it i know it there's no place far enough that he couldn't pull me right back in #nothin out here for me anyway. all i do is abuse substances n cry. at least this way i can just go to val instead of wrecking the body too #or just self soothe w/ the most horrific violent abusive scenarios i can think up. or the care i can pretend comes after #cause in reality he's been rly skimpin on the aftercare lately n that's. not great. makes the inevitable crash a whole lot worse #it's like he looked at the list of what NOT to do in a dynamic like this n made it his how-to guide instead...#though it's probably just all part of the game. needs to keep us low enough that we don't get too strong n start gettin ideas.#needs to keep us desperate enough that we keep comin back instead cause nothin else gives us the rush like he does #i think i saw the term for that recently. breadcrumbing? maybe #i can see what he's doin i know all the steps by now but i'm just lettin it play out anyway #not like i could stop it anyway. he knows everythin. he knows what i feel better than i do #plus if he doesn't he can just make it up n convince me he's right cause i can't tell the difference #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it is what it is. at least angel n silk seem to be breakin free of it now. i'm not around that much anyway #spdrvent

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