#cant beleive my crazy afraid abandmnent fears came true

[moodymeangirl]

I hadn't heard from my og bestie/sibling for over a month. last I heard they covid and was going out of my mind with worry. We live on different cities and for their own (usually legitimate) safety reasons they only call my off a private number and I can't contact them.

they email me last night. They mental breakdown, physical injury, no phone, serious ideation, thinking about taking themselves to ER/psych ward. they've been struggling w SI for months now.

next email sentence is basically 'I don't feel safe in our friendship. Lots of things about you make me feel uneasy.' I don't want you in my life. I don't want you to help me.

I made sure my email reply was not heartbroken like I am. I acknowledge hard to hear but glad they tell me. Im so sorry what they're struggling with. tell them please live directly and in other ways. say we love them and they're so important and intelligent and beautiful human being. leave evry possible door of help they could ask me for open. even if they do not want contact with me otherwise they can ask for assistance, I can use my phone for hospital stuff on their behalf, anything just please stay alive. I tell I am still committed to and helping their family members even if we aren't close. that ill follow their lead on what they want me do. I will respect all boundaries including if their path to alive and okay means im not their friend/family anymore.

say I love them many times.

I contact my close friends for support. I contact their physically nearby friend to ask him check in. he is not surprised they find me unsafe. he is seeing friend on Sunday anyway will check in then. beleives me they're vulnerable but isn't worried. he had number b4 phone break.

talk to other besties. find out they all had number/messaging. only me unsafe to have number. security reasons were not external they were me. its not safe for me to choose to contact them? we dont know. some of friends who had number were my firneds first and og bestie only knew them a little bit.

nobody else has silence for months on end. most everybody else knew struggle. covid had been over by the time they used it as reason to not come to therapy.

now am dealing with heart shatter. chosen sibling at most vulnerable and wants everyone else I love but not me. reality if they survive I lose best friend anyway. but all matters is they find way to live.

all doors open if they ask my help, respect and love at my door even if they hate me. they still family I will not abandon but I will respect heart shatter boundaries.

we have had doing therapy together. things were going well. had not fought for months before silence. had been working so hard bc they mean world to me and we trauma bonded af. while I worked on my shit they seems had made decision to leave friendship. never told me or counsellor. just said covid can't come. and never talked to me again till last night email:

my life in danger im hurt no phone SI, hospital maybe? don't come near me u danger u uncanny valley.

so I break break break

pain pain pain

just want them to live but can't do anything more helpless worthless sharp spiky girl inshallah Allah heals them gives them ease and good life and just life inshallah inshallah inshallah