#can't wait to see what gut wrenching angst will be cooked up next >:(

[dreamlspinner-blog]

"No longer content to just bare his teeth anymore, he let himself become a part of that metallic hissing the shadows purred with. Tuning back inwards to be reminded of those months lurking as a shadow on the walls, behind the flickering of screens and the receiver of the landline in the kitchen." I'm not super happy with how this came out, but I wanted BADLY to draw some fanart of @mustangsart 's mandela catalogue au. I'm pretty new to painting so ima keep practicing haha HTB au my beloathed and beloved /lh

[missymurphy1985]

The Letter - Week 2

This was meant to be a one shot but you guys seem to like it...

Mini series it is 💜

Warnings - angst

Taglist @queenshelby @margoo0 @being-worthy @peakyscillian @ntmynouis @janelongxox @elenavampire21 @noctvrnalmoth @ysmmsy @cloudofdisney @lauren-raines-x @namelesslosers @misscarolineshelby @screemqueen @cilleveryone

You opened your eyes last night. Only briefly, but you opened them. Squeezed Jamie's hand too - he was made up. He misses you y/n.. he can't sleep without his mam kissing him goodnight. He crawls in bed with me every night while you've been in here.

Ryan won't come now. He can't bear to see you with all the wires in you and the tubes down your throat. I don't blame him.. no 11 year old wants to see their mam so helpless.. he's terrified though, I can tell. He's barely spoken since the accident. He goes to Orla's when I'm here with you. Spends his time in their garden, pottering around with Damien planting vegetables or cooking. Anything to distract him.

Jamie's 7th birthday next week babe. Remember the party we had planned? The hall was booked, all the invitations sent out. I've cancelled it all, on Jamie's request. The only present he wants this year y/n.. is you. He wants his mam home. To read him a bedtime story, to build Lego villages with him, to wrap him up in a towel like a caterpillar after his bath...

Can't even picture those things now without the gut-wrenching pain across my chest. The thought of you not doing those things anymore... I won't let myself think it. I can't.

Your dad came to see you over the weekend. Did you know? Could you hear him sing to you, those classic Irish songs he used to sing you when you were little? He's put a photo of your mam on your bedside cabinet, that one taken just before she died, holding you as a baby in her arms.. He hopes her being close will give you the strength to come back to us.

The hospital allowed me to sleep in your room last night in case you stirred again. Your Dad took the boys. Did you feel me on the chair next to you, holding your hand? Didn't let it go all night did I? Put a movie on - one of those cheesy romcom things you love so much. Grimaced all the way through it I did!

Your eyes didn't open again, but I felt you squeeze my hand a few times. I spoke to you for hours, all night baby, did you hear me?

I told you about the day we met. Bumping into you outside that little pub in Dingle.. I've never sobered up so quickly. As soon as I saw those eyes, I knew I was in trouble. Moved in together after 6 months didn't we?

The day you told me Ryan was on his way was a shock, wasn't it? Hadn't planned for that one! We were only 19.. but we managed, didn't we? Watching you give birth to him was one of the most incredible things I've ever witnessed. You were breathtaking. Took the whole thing in your stride. Made it look easy, didn't you? I was the one freaking out! Remember the midwife telling me off for pacing the labour ward over and over, and for bringing you a McDonald's for lunch after you'd been induced?

Seeing you hold our son for the first time.. that image takes my breath away even now. How utterly beautiful you looked in that moment, feeding our boy.

We struggled with Jamie, didn't we? Took a long time to fall pregnant, considering how quickly Ryan came along.. happened eventually though didn't it.. once again you were a powerhouse. Even when you had horrific morning sickness, your pelvis caused you major issues towards the end, you never complained. I missed a lot of that pregnancy didn't I? Filming... Theatre shows... Press junkets... I nearly missed his birth!

I vowed once I came home after that I'd never take on that much at once again. One job a year, that was it. I'd be home with you and our boys the rest of it.

And that was us then wasn't it? Our happy little bubble, a family of four... Until I screwed up. And I really did screw up didn't I.

More work.

More time away.

One more film... One more theatre show...

"Too tired for a call tonight, don't wait up for me."

"I'll call you tomorrow, I've got a meeting after filming. Won't be back til late."

Excuse after excuse after excuse.

I'm not surprised you thought I was cheating on you. I was angry at first, I know I was, but I understand it now, looking back. Took you for granted, didn't I y/n? You were home 24/7 with two boys running you ragged, miles from your Sligo roots.

How many parents evenings did I miss? Tooth fairy visits? End of year school plays? And for what?

Money? No, we had everything we ever wanted.

Fame? No, I never wanted it in the first place.

Honestly? I don't know what happened. I can't put my finger on it. I just couldn't say no to producers, I guess. Couldn't say no when Enda offered me another play... I felt obligated, he gave me my first break...

Couldn't say no to that movie with Robert De Niro... Couldn't say no to working with Danny Boyle again... Couldn't say no to them, but I said it to you often enough, didn't I?

God I've fucked up y/n. I've really fucked it all up. You'd never have even been in that fucking car if I'd been a decent man, a decent father... A better husband. You deserved better.

Wake up, yeah? Come back to me?

I'll make every ounce of it up to you, I swear it.

[kate837]

Valium (chapter one)

@the-moon-without-world you requested this fanfic to be written! This fic is set for early to mid season two and entails an AU of Jane having night terrors so Borden prescribes her Valium to help her sleep but one particularly bad night she gets absolutely no sleep and decides to take the Valium in the morning before work which inevitably leads to Kurt finding Jane in her safehouse on the floor high out of her mind! (This fic is angst, comfort, and fluff, OH and how could I forget crack!!) Enjoy!!

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:

It's a particularly cold September morning. Jane had been back with the team for four months and they had finally found some kind of normal. Nas on the other hand could be pretty hard to work with.

It was officially 8am and Reade, Tasha, Patterson, Nas, and Kurt were all at their respective 'biomes' within the NYO. But Jane... Jane was nowhere to be found.

"I already tried, it goes straight to voicemail everytime." Kurt says agitatedly. He and Nas had just walked into his office continuing their conversation from Patterson's lab.

"Look Kurt chances are that Sandstorm may have grabbed her." Nas replies desperately trying to keep up with Kurt's pace.

Kurt walked behind his office desk.

"And that doesn't concern you?!"

"She's doing the job we asked her to do!" Nas yelled.

"I'm done arguing with you."

"Where do you think you're going?!"

Kurt shrugged on his jacket and tried to walk past Nas before she grabbed his arm.

"Let. Me. Go."

"Why? So you can go make sure your girlfriend is alright?"

Kurt pulled his arm out from her and clenched his jaw. Not entertaining her, he tried to calmly answer.

"Nas-"

"What?! I was in bed with you last night and now this morning you're willing to put the biggest case of your life at risk to make sure another woman is okay!"

"You really want to do this here?"

"You're doing this on your own Kurt."

"Fine if you wanna talk we can talk." Kurt reached behind his desk and in a file to pull out a micro transparent listening device. "We can talk about that. You've been spying on me and my team for God knows how long and you expect me to care when you get jealous over Jane?"

Nas tried to reason with him but was getting nowhere, especially now. He was shutting down... Well more like shutting her out. She needed to change tactics. And fast.

"You are going to get her killed."

"What?" Kurt glared.

"You going to her safehouse to check on her will most definitely tip Sandstorm off and you will be the sole reason that she is killed! When she signed up for this operation she knew the risks-"

"How do you know Sandstorm has her?" Kurt questioned and slightly stepped closer towards Nas.

"What?"

"What if they don't have her? Have you thought about that?"

"That would be great, then she would come in eventually."

"Eventually?! You don't care about her at all do you? Your only concern is this mission!"

Kurt made a beeline for his office door.

"Kurt wait!"

The door was slightly cracked before he stopped.

"No nas, I'm done. I can't do this. Your blatant disregard for the safety of my team, you hiding things from me, bugging our offices, I'm done." With that said Kurt walked out of his office and headed straight for the SIOC elevator.

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:

It was a particularly hard night. It was the worst night. Shortly after escaping the blacksite, in Oregon, the nightmares came. But recently, as if they weren't bad enough, they've evolved into fully fledged night terrors. After going three consecutive days with only two hours of sleep per, she consulted Borden who prescribed her Valium to help her sleep and it worked.

Until last night.

Jane had taken her normal dose and fallen asleep within a half hour like normal. But not even twenty minutes later her protective detail, which had been immediately reassigned to her once she returned, had rushed into her safehouse because they heard gut-wrenching screams from within. Upon realization they carefully, but definitely panicked, tried to wake her. Once they succeeded their first instinct was to call Weller and update him but she begged them not to, and after seeing her in such an awful state they decided against it. Rationalizing with the sense that she wasn't in any actual danger so what need would they have to wake their boss up in the middle of the night?

Right?

Eventually Jane tried to fall back asleep, to no avail as within forty-five minutes her detail was back in her room. After that Jane realized that she wasn't going to get any more sleep and instead started to distract herself. She exercised, drew, cooked (ish), and showered.

Once five-am rolled around Jane thought to take matter into her own hands. She needed sleep! She opened her prescription bottle, got out three times her prescribed dosage, threw her head back, and popped 'em in.

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:

Kurt had taken the Lexus and parked about three blocks from Jane's safehouse because whether he wanted to admit it or not, Nas was right Sandstorm could definitely see him coming to Jane's safehouse as a huge red flag and decide to "cut their losses".

While walking Kurt shot Jane a quick text to let her know that he would be coming through her back door.

No answer.

He slid open her back door and immediately closed it once he was inside.

"Jane?"

He took a couple steps deeper into the house silently praying that she didn't just oversleep.

Then he saw her.... Well her hair, she was covered by the small coffee table in Kurt's direct sight line. She seemed to be laying on the ground in... The middle of her living room?

Kurt side stepped the coffee table, his first instinct being to check for injuries. He took a couple more steps before turning completely around.

OH MY GOD SHE'S NAKED!

Kurt said internally.

"Jane what are you doing?!" She obviously wasn't injured or distressed. This just kept more and more bizarre.

"Shhhhhhhh!"

"Excuse me?" Kurt said still turned around.

"Shhhh this is Jane's calm zone."

"Your what?"

"Shhhhhhh!"

What is wrong with her? Is she sick? No she's not coughing, or sneezing, or sweating, panting, moaning.....

Weller oh my God this is serious, get your mind out of the gutter!

Kurt scolded himself.

Okay okay okay so she's naked, on the floor, engaging in odd behaviors, and talking strangely..... Oh God.

"Jane are you high?"

"Ohhhh yeahhh."

Jane giggles and lightly snorts.

"Most definitely."

Sh*t.

"Okay then what are you on?"

"These little pills called Vaseline. Uh- no umm like valentine...valet??? Viola... Things."

"Valium?"

"YEAH! You're so smart, my next guess was Voldemort."

"Where did you get them from?"

"Th- that british guy, who's kind of hot."

Borden.

What am I supposed to do with her? She obviously can't go to work.

Kurt looks over his shoulder to see Jane "stargazing" at her popcorn ceiling.

"Look Kurt I found the big dipper!"

"Jane it's 11am and you're inside!"

Ugh God. Okay first and foremost I need to get her off the floor, into some clothes, fed, and then straight to sleep. Then contact my team to let them know I'll be taking the day and so will Jane. Optics be dam*ed, she needs me. And after Jane wakes up we are going to have a serious talk. Okay let's move.

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:

Later at SIOC.

"Guys it's Weller!" Patterson yelled signaling for Reade, Zapata, and Nas to follow her to the center console of her lab.

"You're on speaker."

"Is everyone there?" Kurt asked.

"Yep you got all of us." Tasha answered.

"Great. Jane and I are taking the day off. She has a couple of... issues to work out, to say the least, but we'll be back tomorrow."

No-one of the team dared to question this initiative, so Kurt started to delegate.

"No field-work is done without my say-so. Patterson you are in charge of any and all investigative work involving the tattoos. Nas the same instructions go for you except with the Sandstorm case. Tasha-" Kurt was cut off by a loud crash in the background.

"Yes?" Tasha responded.

"Hold on." Kurt walked from his "pacing spot" in Jane's living room to see Jane on her counter top with five porcelain, easily breakable, plates in her hands. "Jane, get down from there! What are you doing?" Kurt approached her slowly. She threw another plate at the wall mimicking the crash from earlier.

"Borden says channeling your anger is good for you!"

Jane says as she breaks another plate.

"I'm pretty sure this isn't what he meant!"

Another plate.

"Jane! Okay okay okay, why are you angry?"

"Because you made me put on clothes!"

She says throwing a plate towards Kurt who just barely dodged it.

"Um-" Kurt sputters fully aware that he's still on speaker phone, and the entire team can most definitely hear this conversation.

"WHAT IF I WANT TO BE A NUDIST HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT? HUH KURT!"

"Jane please get off the counter."

Kurt rubs his temple then brings the phone back up to his ear.

Tasha and Reade are equally stunned and confused, Patterson is trying her hardest to stifle her laughter, while Nas is completely unamused.

"Trouble in paradise?" Reade asked.

Patterson and Tasha back away from the console and cover their mouths to not let Weller hear their laughter.

"Very funny." Kurt says and rolls his eyes.

"Okay seriously what is going on? Why is Jane talking like that? And is she okay?" Tasha questions back to back.

"Oh-My-God." Patterson says, in complete Patterson fashion, wheels turning in her brain so fast you can almost see them. "She's high."

Tasha, Reade, and Nas collectively turn to look at Patterson.

"No... No way. Jane is way too hyper-focused on this to be on something." Reade tries to rationalize.

Kurt rubs his temple again.

"Look Jane and I are taking the day, Patterson you have tattoos, Nas you have Sandstorm, Tasha you're on approvals and clearances that anyone may need from me today, and Reade you get the fun job... Paperwork!" Kurt jokes (a rare occurrence really).

"Oh come on!" Reade exclaims.

The team, even Nas, chuckles while they hear another crash from the other side of the phone.

"Jane I swear to God if you throw ONE MORE PLATE!" Kurt directs his attention back to his team. " Ok everyone I really need to go. I'll see you all tomorrow."

"What about Jane?" Tasha asks.

"Let me worry about her."

"Well at very least try not to get a concussion." Reade quips.

"I'm hanging up now."

"Wait!" Patterson says.

"Yeah?"

"Don't think I don't notice."

"Excuse me?"

" Okay okay okay? You're taking a couple of pages out of my book! I'm actually quite flattered." Patterson smirks.

Kurt lets out a light chuckle.

"I think we all have actually. I heard Reade say 'opposite opposite' the other day!"

"Oh really!"

"Hey! We were supposed to keep that between us!" Reade jokingly scolds Kurt.

"I really have to go now, I'll see you guys tomorrow."

Kurt hangs up.

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:

Once Jane ran out of plates Kurt looped his arms around her knees and pulled her forward so she would fall over his shoulder. Then he calmly walked her back to her bedroom, where he thought she had been sleeping, and layed her down.

It would have been awkward to carry Jane to bed in only a shirt and panties in a completely platonic way, if he hadn't already done it three other times already. And counting. Plus he was glad (somewhat disappointed, if we're being honest) that she even kept on that much. Trying to control Jane had always been hard even when she first came out of that bag in Times Square, let alone now!

Kurt tucked her in for the fourth time today.

"Now Jane, I really need you to stay in bed this time okay?"

When Jane didn't acknowledge him, Kurt sighed and climbed into the other half of her bed to lay down.

"Whatareyou-"

"We are taking a nap!"

Jane gasps. "A Jeller sleepover!"

"Jeller?" Kurt chuckles.

"It's Jane and Weller, I made it up a longggg time ago."

He's gotta admit that when she's not a royal pain "high Jane" was actually pretty funny.

It seems as though having a "Jeller sleepover" was a perfect idea because once she grabbed Kurt's midsection, intertwined her bare legs with his,and snuggled up with him she immediately started dozing off.

That's when Kurt started asking questions. He figured that the best time to try and get any useful information out of her would be now, at her most vulnerable, high and tired.

"Jane?"

"Hmmm?" Jane basically hummed, her voice almost completely back to normal.

She readjusted her 'snuggling grip' around Kurt, holding him tighter. Kurt couldn't stop the butterflies he got from the gesture.

"What did you want to ask?"

He didn't want to ask her why she needed the pills. He wanted her to confide in him with that information, not scheme it out of her. Only when she's completely competent and sober will he ask her that.

"How long have you been taking Valium?"

"About four months, I think?"

Four months. So as soon as she got back from the black site, almost half a year and I had no idea.

"Can I go to sleep now?" Jane said with almost childlike innocence.

Kurt hated to deny her anything but he needed answers.

"Two more questions okay?" He stroked her hair then quickly took his hand away.

"Okay." Jane nuzzled her head into his chest.

More butterflies.

Kurt cleared his throat to compose himself.

"Earlier, when you were on the counter you said that Borden told you that you needed to get your anger out."

Jane yawned.

"Yeah, he said breaking things is a normal coping mechanism with PTSD, and actually one of the least destructive ones compared to drinking."

"Hmmm."

She has PTSD??? Of course she has PTSD she was in a freaking blacksite for three months what did you expect? And you didn't even check in on her.

"Ok last one, you said earlier that you were utilizing your "Jane calm zone". What is that?"

Jane closed her eyes.

"It's where it's quiet." Jane looked up at Kurt for the first time since he got in her bed.

"My thoughts swirl around my head all day unwantedly. They distract me, all the time. Sometimes I can't think because they're screaming. So I imagine a calm place,it's different everytime. The setting doesn't really matter, I just need quiet."

Kurt just stared at her. Whatever he was expecting her to say, that definitely wasn't it. He thought her "calm place" was just a direct hallucination from the Valium, but to know she actually uses it to.... Quiet her thoughts.

He shivered.

"Go to sleep now Jane."

He stroked her hair again. He's been refraining from touching her. High or not he would still be holding her in bed, but he was exhausted. So what the h*ll he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her even closer than she was holding him. It felt better than it should.

He was still actively ignoring his feelings about Jane but he wasn't mad at her anymore. They could even laugh and joke sometimes. He wanted to be there for her. Now more than ever. She needed him, whether she would be able to even remember today or not, she needed him.

Within two minutes of them holding each other they were both in a deep sleep. That couldn't last long enough.

#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#:#