#call me selfish if you must but I'm tired dude. I'm done

[babsbabbles]

what if I became violently anti-political

[rogue-barnes-16]

WHEN YOU COME BACK (part II/II)

Summary: After months of being friends with benefits, the dangerous agreement backfires and Bucky’s feelings for Y/n are exposed. Instead of talking it out, they make the situation worse, and it might get more difficult after a dangerous mission.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Genre: angst w/ a pleasant ending

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @1a-girl-has-no-name1 @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver

Warnings: language, injuries

A/N: here it is my dudes. It was, for some reason I can't understand, heavily inspired by When the party's over by Billie Eilish, Haunted by Melanie Martinez, and What about us by P!nk. Just a little curiosity for y'all, hope you enjoy <3.

Part I

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

That night that we accidentally found each other in a shitty bar on our way out of Stark's house after Tony and Natasha's funeral, we shouldn't have lost control.

We wouldn't be in this situation, maybe I would haven't fallen that hard for him, and maybe he wouldn't think he loves me now.

We probably would be friends, close friends, or at least regular people who don't have to hide that they're sleeping with each other.

"Hey there, stranger." his voice was broken. He stumbled to the booth I was occupying, and I realized he was somehow as drunk as me. "rough week?"

"rough five years." I corrected him, sniffing. "It doesn't seem to get better." I felt the lump in my throat mixed with my hoarse voice as I chucked another shot of tequila. When I looked up at him, I noticed how red her eyes were. "what's wrong?"

"A lot." he replied, easing his position to rest against the backrest of the booth. "Never got to tell Natalia I remember." he shrugged. "Also wanted to... Apologize to Stark. Didn't get the chance to." he shut his eyes.

"Somethin' else." I stated more than questioned. "it's somethin' else."

He hesitated before looking at me with glassy eyes "can I tell you a secret?" I nodded lazily, muttering an 'always'. "Steve's leaving."

"What?" I frowned, sitting upright. "Where?"

He shook his head no with a sad smile in his face, a sad smile that held little happiness and too much sorrow. "When, not where."

"Director Carter..." I spoke in low voice, and Bucky nodded at me. I looked down, not knowing what to say. "at least he's got his happy ending."

"Yeah." tears streamed down his face as he drank from what I recognized as Thor's flask. "I'm happy for him." I tilted my head in disbelief and he denied slowly. "I really am."

"It's just the two of us now, Bucky." I whispered leaning against the wall to face him. "you should be selfish once in a while" I advised, scooting closer to him. "say what you think, no matter who gets hurt." our thighs were brushing as I leaned on him a little too close to whisper something in his ear. "you don't owe anything to this fucked up world."

His head spun and our eyes met. "I don't." he affirmed, letting his hand drop to my thigh as mines traveled to his hair. "you don't either." he bit his lip and I sighed. "You don't have to be strong all the time."

"what...?" I questioned quietly, too focused on his lips to even process what he was saying.

"Allow yourself to cry for 'em doll." his mutter made me let out a strained, shaky breath, remembering why I had hidden in a bar in order to numb my pain, remembering why I hadn't stayed with the rest in Pepper's house. "It's just the two of us now, Y/n..."

I looked up at him through glassy, blurred eyes just to see his in the same state. His eyes flickered to my lips, just like mines had been staring St him that whole time, and something took over the both of us.

It was probably the sadness, at least partially, and the thinking that losing more wasn't possible anymore, what made us close the gap in a sloppy, needy kiss, which would be the first of many, that night and the followings.

I had desperately wanted to apologize to Bucky for two days, in hopes of getting our friendship back.

I figured he didn't inform me he was back because he didn't want to see me, and that mere thought made my heart shrink until it physically hurt.

I was getting dressed when my phone buzzed. "Sam?" I called him, utterly confused. Sam rarely phoned me, he would just show up at my door. "what's wrong?"

"The mission went wrong. So fucking wrong." I couldn't ask about Bucky before he resumed his narration. "Listen to me carefully, 'cause he made me promise I wouldn't tell you shit."

"what- why?" I inquired, sitting down in my couch.

"Those fuckers were shooting me, there was no way I could dodge all of 'em, and that dumbass jumped in fucking front of me." his voice was strained due to the anger and the worry, and I felt my heart pounding against my chest. "he received two bullets. He's in the Avengers' private hospital. Pepper got us in."

"he what..." I was already grabbing my things to rush there, but he spoke again.

"you can't come, he'll kill me if he sees you here." Sam pointed out.

"why the fuck are you telling me then, Wilson?" it was desperate, and it was shaky, but I managed to get that question put of me without breaking.

"What the hell? 'Cause you're good for him, and I don't want you to think he dumped whatever you guys have." I stood there, my mouth in agape at his words. "Sharon's telling me she'll take care of the paperwork so we can go home in a couple of days."

"okay..."

"Go see him at his apartment on... Monday." he advised me. "at 9 pm, he won't have an excuse to avoid you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite the fact that he knew I would definitely not forget about the day and the time he had told me, on Sunday Sam called to remind me it, and also to inform me that he had just left Bucky’s apartment. He was now there resting, and would be until tomorrow morning.

On Monday, at 9 pm I was carefully knocking on Bucky’s door, and he answered in no time.

"Sam, you better bring Chinese food you promised or-" he stood there, resting all his weight against the door and the door frame, taking in the fact that I was there. "Fuck..."

I had planned a whole speech, apologizing for what I had said in a thousand different ways, telling him how much I didn't want to lose him, and maybe, just maybe, confessing my feelings about him.

But everything was gone the moment I saw his bruises, his bandaged body under the tee, peeking out of the collar, the way he barely could stand upright.

Everything was gone. "what the fuck..."

"he told you, didn't he?" I couldn't even look at him in the eye, but I just knew he didn't either, just by how hurt and tired his voice sounded. "that's why you're here."

"I—"

"I'm fine Y/n..." he assured me, bitterness fading from his voice the second he started to sympathize with how I must be feeling, the second he imagined the situation reverted. The way guilt and fear most likely would have been killing him slowly. "I just need a few days to heal... You don't need to—"

He gasped when I my arms embraced him almost desperately as I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't lose him. "I swear on my fuckin' life, Barnes—" I choked on my words and he wrapped his arms around me not without closing the door to rest his back against it. "don't do this to me alright?" he took a deep breath with his nose buried on my crown as his thumbs caressed both my back and my shoulder. "don't-- I can't lose you... Not you-- please not you."

I didn't realize I was sobbing until I didn't feel my tears on his shirt. "You won't" ha assured me, trying to keep his voice uniform for me not to notice that he was crying too. "I'll heal soon, don't worry." his breath was sharp as he squeezed my body against him, despite the pain that he most probably was feeling. "I got you."

I pulled away when my hands accidentally sneak under his shirt and felt the bandages. "you gotta lay down."

"yeah, you're probably right."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you're here to apologize 'cause you feel guilty or bad... Don't." he requested, looking up at me from my lap. "you really don't need to." his voice slowly started to drop when I ran my hands through his hair. "It was my fault... I shouldn't have... Said..."

"I love you."

"yeah."

"No, Bucky." I stopped my motions and looked at him dead in the eye. "I love you. I have done for a long time." he was quiet. "When you said... I really didn't wanna believe it... I don't know I just—" I sighed, shutting my eyes and leaning against the backrest. "I don't-- I don't wanna lose more people that I love and if I didn't say it out loud, I felt-" I took a deep breath, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. "I felt like I wouldn't lose--"

I didn't even feel when he had propped himself up to reach me, I only felt his velvety soft lips against mine in the most loving, sweet kiss I had ever had.

"I get it, but we... We gotta be brave." he stated, laying down again with a wince, gazing into my now open eyes. "we don't have regular lives... And I didn't wanna say it out loud either but... I- I needed you to know." I nodded, letting my fingers ran through his short hair once more. "I don't wanna lose you, but let's be honest, that possibility exist, and..." his voice started to drop again, slowly being lulled by my touch. "I'd rather having you know how much... How much you mean to me... Than regretting not... Tellin' ya all my life..."

"You're right." I replied, leaning over to peek his lips, and then his forehead. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted... I really, really am." my thumb rubbed lazily his forehead as my eyes observed him with the love I finally was able to disclose.

"Y/n." I hummed. "lay down with me, please." he requested, lifting for my to move my legs. "I wanna hug you again." I complied without hesitation, being careful not to hurt him. "I love you." He whispered in my ear, pulling me up to rest half of my body over him.

"I love you too."

[chasholidays]

Hey so I'm a stressed little science major and I was wondering if you could do an angsty minty with a modern or college twist. Pre-relationship? I love angst and minty so anything would be good! Thanks!

Monty’s junior year of college is shitty before it even begins.

Sophomore spring sets the tone with three major events: Jasper’s study abroad application, Monty’s parents’ separation, and Harper and Monty’s breakup, in that order.

On its own, the study abroad thing wouldn’t be so bad. Monty had been a little anxious about it, mostly because he and Jasper have been going to the same school since they started going to school. He hasn’t always been in Jasper’s class, but Jasper has always been there at lunch and recess, during study halls, in the library and in his dorm and in his life.

In some ways, the prospect of Jasper being gone was exciting, and in other ways it felt necessary. They weren’t going to be together forever, which meant they had to be apart at some point. Junior year is as good a time as any.

He hears about the separation next, from his mother, during one of their weekly phone calls in March. “I know this is going to come as a shock to you, but your father and I have decided to separate.”

“Separate?” Monty echoes, his voice hollow. It had occurred to him, at various points in his youth, that his parents might not stay together, but some part of him had assumed that they were out of the woods now. That if his parents hadn’t broken up by the time he was a certain age, they just never would. You always heard about children of divorce, not college students of divorce.

“We talked about it a lot,” says Hannah. She sounds so tired. “And I think this is the only way.”

“Okay,” he says, because what else is there to say? This isn’t his decision. He’s not the tiebreaker vote. They already agreed.

“It’s for the best. For us, at least. And I hope now that you aren’t home so much, it won’t be–as difficult for you. We’re doing our best with this.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Do you want to talk to your father?”

Somehow, he’d expected them to already be apart, not that his father would be there. But they do still love him, and they’ve still been married for twenty-plus years. They still know how to work together, so maybe it’s good that they’re breaking up before they lose that.

“Sure,” he says, and lets them talk until they feel better.

He doesn’t tell anyone but Jasper about the divorce because he doesn’t quite know how to feel about it. It’s not a big deal, in some ways, and it’s not even officially a divorce yet. They’re separating, and he’s not even home to witness it. It doesn’t affect his life that much.

He really does believe that. Like if he’s not there, it doesn’t matter what happens to his family.

He and Harper have been dating since freshman year, which means he maybe should have told her what happened, but every time he tried, the words didn’t come out. It felt like he was making a big deal over it and not making a big enough deal all at once, so it averaged out to just saying nothing.

He doesn’t think that’s why Harper breaks up with him–she’s got an internship over the summer and is studying abroad over the fall, plenty to keep her busy–but he can’t help wondering if it was a factor. If, despite his best efforts to remain unaffected by the whole thing, it did hurt him after all.

But still. It wasn’t as if he thought they’d be together forever or anything. So maybe it doesn’t matter much exactly when the breakup happens.

“Should have told her about your parents,” Jasper advises. “Then she wouldn’t have dumped you.”

“She didn’t dump me, we talked about it and agreed that breaking up was the right call. And I don’t want my girlfriend to stay with me just because my parents broke up.”

“I guess not,” Jasper grants. He slings his arm around Monty’s shoulders, gives him a squeeze. “You going to be okay?”

“Yeah, of course.”

And he thinks he is. He goes home for the summer and stays with his dad, who kept the old house, for June and July, and then in August his mom gets a new job and moves to Indiana, and he goes with her to help her get set up and get a feel for the new place. It’s nice, but it’s not his, in the same way the old house doesn’t feel like his anymore either. Part of growing up is realizing your parents are people too, but it’s hard to see them being people like this. He’s never wanted their lives to stay the same without him, but at the same time, he can’t help but feel like he’s being left behind.

He feels like a total asshole over the whole thing, selfish and immature, so he doesn’t mention it to anyone, not even Jasper. Instead, he goes back to school and keeps his head down, goes to classes and eats and studies, keeps himself busy enough that he doesn’t even realize until November how bad it’s gotten.

“You’re going to be here for Thanksgiving?” is the question that tips him off, coming from Bellamy Blake, his floor coordinator. It’s a position sort of like an RA, but with lower pay and fewer responsibilities, from what Monty can tell. His job is to be the person who lets the college know if anything is wrong in their dorm and communicates with the dean’s office, as well as serving as a general contact for anyone with a problem. He also collects dues from anyone who wants to pay them and uses them to set up activities, which Monty goes to largely because it’s something to fill the time.

Said position is probably why he knows Monty will be in the dorm; he must have gotten a list.

“Yeah.”

“Any plans?”

“Not really. I’ve got a really heavy course load and traveling is a pain, so I figured I’d just skip it this year.”

Bellamy nods. “Well, if you want something to do Thanksgiving day, Clarke’s local and her parents loaded, so they’re happy to take strays. Her dad is a great cook.”

“I’m fine.”

“Dude, you know there’s a law against college students turning down free food, right? I promise it’ll be good, we’ve got a few other students coming and the Griffins get awkwardly liberal when they’re drunk, not awkwardly conservative.”

Monty smiles a little. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s really okay."0

"Okay, last one,” says Bellamy. “This is a real offer, you can turn it down, but seriously, there’s no downside, and I’m making pie. Plus, I did Thanksgiving alone in the dorm freshman year and it sucked, so–” He shrugs. “We’ll give you a ride and you’re not doing anything else.”

It’s on the tip of his tongue to say no, but what actually comes out is, “How many other people are going?”

“Uh, let’s see–there’s me, Clarke, Miller, Raven, Wells. Everyone but Wells is a student here. Wells is her best friend, their families go way back, so adults are Professor Griffin, her husband, Wells’ dad, and I think Professor Sinclair.”

“Raven Reyes?” he asks. “And math professor Sinclair?”

“Yeah. Raven’s friends with Clarke and Professor Sinclair knows Clarke’s dad. And Raven, I guess.”

Monty doesn’t recognize any of the other names, but he likes Raven, and he’s met Clarke a couple times and likes her well enough too, and sitting alone in his dorm room would be–really sad, actually. And that’s what he’s done most of this year, when people have asked him to do things. With Jasper or Harper around, it was easier, but when he’s on his own, it’s easy to just be anti-social.

“You’re sure you can invite me?”

“Yeah, Jake extended a general invitation to anyone I knew who was going to be on campus.”

“Then yeah, thanks. That would be fun.”

His smile softens, pleased and warm. “Cool. Clarke and Miller have cars, so one of them can give you a ride. I’ll let you know where we’re meeting.”

He spends the rest of the evening dwelling on the interaction, more because he finds it so noteworthy than because he thinks it is. If he hadn’t been going home for Thanksgiving last year, and someone had invited him home with them–well, it probably wouldn’t have even happened like this, last year. He’s not going home because he didn’t want to pick between his parents and he really does have plenty of work to do. But if Jasper were around, or he was still dating Harper, they’d be excuses for him. He could have gone back to stay with his dad because he wanted to see Jasper, or Harper would have taken him to visit with her family. And if neither of those had worked out–

He’s been pretty anti-social, this year. He’s maybe forgotten how to just be a person with friends.

Not that going to his dormmate’s girlfriend’s house for Thanksgiving counts as having friends, but it’s at least non-academic human interaction, and that’s a good place to start. He’s been in a fog, and it would be nice to get out of it. So on Thursday morning he takes a shower and puts on a nice shirt and some slacks, checks to make sure his hair is in order. He asked if he should bring anything and Bellamy said no, but Monty has never believed anyone who told him not to bring something to an adult formal gathering, so he picked up a bottle of sparkling cider. It’s not as good as wine, but buying wine with a fake ID to bring to a professor’s house feels like a risky move.

He puts it in a nice bag and just looks at himself in the mirror for a long moment, trying to take stock of changes, not that there are many. It’s always easy to not tell when people are in rough shape, especially mentally. He’s not even sure who he would have expected to notice. He’s seen friends and acquaintances at meals, been normal with them. He’s opted out of social events because he has homework, but everyone does that. He probably looks more tired than he used to, but he’s taking some rough classes.

He tests out a smile in the mirror, finds he looks like a real person, and the thought makes the smile grow. He’s got this.

Bellamy said he was going over early to help out, so Monty could just get a ride with Miller and Raven, and told him when and where to meet them. If not for Raven’s involvement, he’d probably bail, but Raven is one of those socially competent smart people, and Monty will definitely be able to just hide behind her.

And, luckily for him, she’s already waiting outside the library when he gets there, hands stuffed in her pockets and breath puffing out into the cold air. He gives her a wave and a smile, and she returns both.

“Hey, long time no see.”

He shrugs. “Yeah, well, I stopped taking math classes because computers are cooler.”

“And I stopped taking computer classes because math is cooler, so–”

“There’s no way you’re done with computer classes.”

She grins. “Just for the semester. Got other shit to do, you know? What about you, what are you taking?”

Catching up on classes carries them through until the car shows up, and Raven gets into shotgun without comment, leaving Monty to climb in the back and come face to face with–

“Nate?”

Nate Miller was in Monty’s freshman English seminar on folklore, and he was and probably remains the number-one reason Monty suspects he could be kind of bisexual. They sat next to each other and shared notes and cracked jokes and Monty had been hoping something was going to happen, even went to a few parties where Nate was in the hopes of running into him. But the semester ended and they fell out of touch, and Monty and Harper became a thing, and Monty could ignore the whole crush-on-a-dude thing because it wasn’t really relevant to his life anymore. He had a girlfriend and he was happy.

Except now he’s single and still floundering and Nate Miller is smirking at him from the driver’s seat of his shitty car. “Hey, Monty, long time no see.”

“Didn’t know you two knew each other,” Raven says, looking surprised. “I’d give you shotgun, but the back doesn’t really have room for my leg.”

“It’s fine,” says Monty, smiling. “We were in the same English class freshman year.”

“How’ve you been?” Nate asks. “I didn’t make the connection when Bellamy said one of his dormmates was coming. Is he the most annoying floor coordinator ever?”

“He’s the most involved one I’ve ever had. But it’s pretty okay? He sets up a lot of stuff, but it’s usually fun and he doesn’t pressure us to do it. And I know that if I ever had a problem, he’d drop everything to help, so–overbearing but effective, I guess? And I wasn’t going to do anything for Thanksgiving, so I appreciate him getting me out of room and forcing me to hang out with his girlfriend’s family.”

“And a bunch of awesome people,” Raven adds. “Do you know Clarke?”

“Not very well. She comes to dorm stuff sometimes, but we haven’t chatted much or anything.”

“She’s cool,” says Raven. “Even though I know her because my boyfriend was cheating on me with her.”

Nate snorts. “Fuck, I forgot that’s how you met Clarke. What a dick that guy was. What was his name? Flynn?”

“Finn. He doesn’t even go here, he came to campus to see me and decided he was falling for her when they kept running into each other at the coffee shop.”

“Wow,” says Monty. “That’s–really something.”

“It turned out okay. Clarke and I dumped him, she found Bellamy, I found Zeke, I stalk Finn on instagram sometimes and he’s definitely single and alone. How’s Harper, by the way?”

The question doesn’t hurt, but it does make him wince a little. It’s less that he’s sad about it and more just the awkwardness, the need to deal with and manage people’s reactions. “She’s in Italy, studying abroad. But we broke up.”

Raven only shrugs. “That sucks. Jasper’s abroad too, right?”

“Yeah, full year in Kyoto.”

“Is he sending you a bunch of weird porn?”

He laughs, surprised. “And care packages full of snacks, yeah.”

“Awesome. So, let’s talk Thanksgiving, I assume you want a crash course on who’s going to be here.”

Raven takes control of the conversation, but in a nice, helpful way. Clarke’s mother apparently teaches at the university’s medical school, and her father is an engineer. Her best friend’s dad is a widower and local politician, but, again, a liberal one, which Nate says is important because it’s a very queer meal.

“Meaning?”

“Bellamy and Clarke are bi, I’m gay, Wells is pan, Raven’s–” He frowns. “Where are you thinking?”

“I think pan? I don’t know, I’m dating Zeke right now, but if we break up and a girl catches my eye, I’m cool with that. Are you our token straight?”

It takes Monty a second to realize she’s asking him. “I guess? I don’t know. I’m not against dating a guy, I’ve just never done it.”

He’s said it before, but just to Jasper, late at night, this theoretical admission that was never supposed to matter. In the car with Raven and Nate–Nate, the first guy he ever had a crush on–it feels too real and completely unearned.

But all Nate says is, “Cool, welcome to the queer meal. We have pie.”

Clarke opens the door for them when they arrive, her smile as bright as Monty’s ever seen. She hugs Raven and Nate, and then hugs him too, murmurs, “I’m glad Bellamy nagged you into coming.”

“Me too,” he says, and it turns out to be true. Everyone is perfectly friendly, and he interacts like a normal person, albeit a slightly awkward one. Clarke’s friend Wells is minoring in computer science, so he and Monty have that to talk about, and Professor Sinclair is always interesting. Bellamy’s a little more relaxed when he’s not an ostensible authority figure, Clarke is slightly drunk and loose, and Raven can’t stop smiling.

And then, of course, there’s Nate. Monty’s not sure if Nate is looking out for him deliberately or if he’s always a little apart from the group, but either way, they’re a unit during the meal. Monty finds out Nate and his ex-boyfriend broke up around when Monty and Harper did, that he’s majoring in English, that his dorm isn’t far from Monty’s. He’s here for Thanksgiving because his dad is a cop and works through Thanksgiving so he can take time off to be with his son at Christmas, which is kind of adorable.

The whole thing is kind of adorable, and it’s a little weird, to go straight from “failing to leave his dorm” to “new crush,” but Nate isn’t exactly a newcrush. He was just on hiatus.

Once they’re done with dessert, Mr. Griffin asks, “So, who’s up for board games? We’ve got options.”

“Pandemic?” Raven asks.

“Of course, what do you take me for? It’s Abby’s favorite.”

Monty’s flagging, but Raven’s eyes are alight with excitement, and he’s not going to be the dick who says they need to leave. And he does like board games, it’s just a lot of socializing, especially after so long avoiding situations like these.

“I actually need to get back to the dorm,” says Nate. “I told my dad I’d call him when his shift was done. Clarke, you can take Raven, right? Monty, you staying or coming back with me?”

“I should get back,” he says, hoping his relief isn’t palpable. Everyone’s been great, but he’s done. “I’ve got a program due right after break and it’s a mess.”

No one blinks an eye or tries to get him to stay, not even Bellamy. There are more hugs all around, Mr. Griffin attempting to make Monty take food home, everyone telling him he’s welcome any time he’s on campus for a holiday. He thanks them for having him, assures them that he’ll just steal Bellamy’s leftovers, and then they’re outside in the crisp air and Monty feels like he can breathe again.

“It can be a lot your first time,” Nate says, without Monty’s having to say anything. “I figured you might need to get out.”

“Just a little. They’re nice, but–”

“Like I said, I get it. And there’s definitely some–they really want to have a great holiday, and you can feel the strain.”

“Not always. But yeah, sometimes.”

Nate unlocks the car and waits until Monty is in his seat with his belt fastened before he goes on, “And, no offense, but you seem kind of beat.”

“None taken. I can be pretty introverted.”

“Yeah, but–before we even got there. Feels like you’re maybe having a rough semester.”

“Is it that obvious?”

He pauses for longer than it takes to start up the car and get moving. “I just remember how you were freshman year. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed at college, and you seemed like you had everything figured out.”

Monty smiles. “Yeah, I guess that would make sense.”

“So, are you okay?”

“I’m not used to being on my own,” he admits. “No Jasper, no girlfriend, and a lot of my friends are–not really friends, I guess. Not in a bad way!” he adds. “It’s not like they betrayed me or anything. Just they were more friends with Jasper or Harper than me, or we lived in the same dorm and now we don’t, or–”

“You had a class together and stopped talking after the class ended?” Nate supplies, and Monty colors in the dark.

“For example.”

“I’m not mad, it’s not like I knew how to keep in touch with you either. I sometimes wanted to, but I had kind of a thing for you, so I kept talking myself out of it.” He snorts. “Playing it so cool I iced you out.”

“You didn’t,” Monty hastens to assure him. “I didn’t think you were–I felt the same way, I guess. I wanted to stay in touch, but I didn’t know how and I didn’t want you to think I was coming on too strong or being weird so I just didn’t do anything. Except drag Jasper to some places I thought I might see you.” He swallows hard. Nate already said it, so he can say it too. It’s safe. And it’s in the past, right? They used to have a mutual crush, and now that’s over. “You were the first guy I was ever interested in in real life, I didn’t really know what to do with that.”

“It doesn’t get better when you’ve liked more guys,” Nate says. “It’s always a mess.”

“Great.” He leans back in his seat, closes his eyes. “My parents got a divorce. Or maybe they’re still just separated, I’m not sure where they are in the legal process. And I just keep thinking–they were married for twenty-three years and then they were done. How can you be with someone for that long and then just decide it’s over? Like, I look at me and Harper and I wasn’t sure we’d be together forever, but I could have kept dating her. And then I see Clarke and Bellamy, and they’ve been together for about as long as me and Harper were, but I believe in them. Like, I feel like they’re going to make it. But what does that even mean? They’re married for twenty years with a kid and then they decide they’re not happy anymore? I just–”

He finds himself almost gasping as he finishes, the deluge of words leaving him breathless and shaky. It’s been a rough year for Monty’s faith in anything.

“I guess it depends on what you mean by make it,” Nate says, and Monty is grateful beyond words that he just goes with it. Lets Monty process for a minute. “Just because people break up doesn’t mean they failed. My parents split when I was pretty young, and it was amicable. They got married because my mom got pregnant and decided it was better to break it off before they hated each other. She’ll be here for Christmas with her wife and their kids. My dad’s their uncle and I’m their big brother and they love us. My family didn’t get smaller when my mom left, it got bigger. So I guess it’s more–I bet your parents don’t feel like they wasted twenty years of their lives, you know?”

“I know. I think that’s part of the problem, maybe? It feels like I’m making too big a deal. Jasper’s parents got divorced when we were in middle school, and it sucked for him. They were fighting, he nearly had to move, they don’t even talk anymore. It feels stupid feeling this upset about it.”

“That’s bullshit. You don’t have to have the worst life ever to feel bad. It sounds like you lost all your support systems at once, that’s always going to be shitty. And it’s not like I was this well-adjusted, what, a few months out of the divorce? I was just a kid who missed having my mom living with me. And when she and Alison got together, I was still working through my own sexuality stuff, and I didn’t deal with it that well.”

Monty bites his lip on a smile. “You know, I think this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk about yourself.”

“Well, it’s been a while. Maybe I’ve changed.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe I just like talking to you.” He clears his throat. “So, that’s why you didn’t go home for Thanksgiving?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know how to decide where to go. My parents live in different states now and it just seemed easier to not think about it. I’ve got a lot of work I can catch up on. And the common room’s empty, so I can play video games on the nice TV and not feel bad.”

“What about Christmas?”

“More time off, so I’m doing half the break with my mom and half with my dad. We’re not Christian, so the actual holiday isn’t a big deal.”

“That’s good.” They drive on in silence for a little, but it feels like a good silence, the kind where they’re both just–thinking. “I don’t want to not see you again until Bellamy drags you back to Clarke’s for Thanksgiving next year.”

“Is this every year now?” Monty asks, smiling a little.

Nate doesn’t let him change the subject. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

“So far, video games and programming.”

“If I bring my Switch, will you play Overcooked with me?”

“Sure.”

“Cool,” says Nate. “It’s a date.”

It’s not, Monty decides as he goes into his dorm, a solution, not all on its own. Even if he does get a new boyfriend out of this, it’s not going to solve everything, and it shouldn’t. His semester hasn’t been shitty because he was single, and if he and Nate do start dating, his world is still going to feel unstable beneath his feet for a while.

But even if nothing happens with him and Nate past tomorrow, he feels better. He told someone, and it wasn’t awful. He went somewhere and he had fun. He got through his first holiday break away from home, and it was fine.

It’s a nice night, the moon almost full and the air crisp, and Monty breathes it in, feels it down to his toes.

That’s a good enough start.