#by lyilacs

[euryphaesca]

Summer.

Year 2024, six years after.

Summer vacations are rare; with their schedules here and there and how the kids were consistently growing, it was almost not plausible for them to go outside the city and have some quality time together. Time flew quickly; from being total strangers, they once became trainees with the same dreams, growing together with their hearts meeting each other, and finally living a dream family. The more days passed, the bigger responsibilities they would carry on their shoulders—and it made the two of them even stronger.

Their daughter was already a few months away before turning two years old, and she was already lively and getting more attached to her parents and older brother. She grew up with a habit of staying awake and waiting for her father to get home, somehow a habit she inherited from her mother since the latter would always wait for her husband. She would cry if her parents would not carry her, and she would lie down on top of her father during their lazy days. That was why the moment they reached the vacation house they rented for the two nights, she was already snuggling with her appa who was slowly getting sleepier, as she did not want the TV channel to be switched. She would cry if it was not her favorite Disney show. He asked frequently who taught her to have one certain favorite— but then his wife answered him with a glare. It somehow answered his query; it was from her. 

Their son was already around six by then, yet he was still wondering why his sister could not play with his dinosaurs and if she was not a baby dinosaur because she used to growl out her words. He was not used to being comfortable hanging out with his baby sibling and preferably enjoyed the attention he was receiving from his ‘noonas’ and ‘hyungs’ every time they would drop by. Though, as he grew, he realized that it would be his baby sister whom he would be there with him for a long time; hence, he started playing with her, even if they would always end up fighting over toys and their grandparents’ affection. He grew up maturely enough, since he knew their parents were both busy. So, when they saw the view outside the window, he could not help but smile widely and help her mother right away in exchange for playing outside until the sun came down for the day. His mother agreed, with her fingers gently ruffling his hair out of the cuteness he was naturally projecting.

“Hyeonie-ah, Minmin-oppa wants to play outside; do you want to?" He murmured as he pecked the crown of his little baobei before he pressed his small hands against the younger’s round cheeks to squish it gently. His younger sister only giggled as her eyes were fixated towards him.  Their parents were looking at the children fondly, delighted to witness the bond between the two siblings. It got them reminded of how he loved pinching, squishing and even playfully biting her round cheeks when they were alone together– it seemed like their eldest inherited that kind of habit his father has. Although for a second, they got nervous when the older brother carried his baby sister, but then the children only laughed enthusiastically and glanced at them. The parents sighed in relief— they did not have to look at each other to be in unison.

“Can we go out by the beach?”Asked their son, while his round orbs were hinting at huge anticipation.

“Alright, we will all go out instead. Wait for us and be careful carrying Hyeonhee, Minjae,” answered their mother. Their father only followed his wife and carried their backpack that had the baby supplies and a blanket for them to sit on later. The couple were attentive to overseeing the children, but at the same time, they let the kids wander on their own while following behind—as they used the opportunity to have their time for themselves as well.

Their fingers were linked to one another and faintly swaying as they walked side by side. He hummed happily and had his empty hand in his pocket while she was still worried about their kids, who were walking clumsily ahead of them. It was a good thing that they were walking over the sand, and their toddler would not cry when she fell, while her brother would always help her to stand up before they continued walking together again. The mother’s attempt to be composed despite fretting was quite a failure, as her husband could read it all over her mien. He emitted a subtle yet teasing chortle, then he smoothly pulled her to distract her a little.

“My love, stop worrying. They are doing fine.” He laughed when she responded with a tiny pout. Of course, it was hard for the mother to take her eyes off her offspring. He rubbed his thumb against the back of her hand and gave it a brief squeeze before their gazes diverted to their children, who were giggling while waving their tiny hands towards their parents. “See?" He added before he tugged her to walk nearer the younger ones, then he ruffled his son’s hair and took out the blanket to spread it over the sand.

The couple sat on the covered sand as their gazes remained fixed on their children that were making tiny sandcastles whilst the breeze brushed against them soothingly despite how the sun was not setting yet. Their sync seemingly never failed as they both reacted with several ‘oh’s and laughter as the two children enjoyed playing with the sand. As he placed his arms behind them and leaned on them, she casually took out some refreshing drinks for the two of them. He hummed a quick thank you before and let her place his in between them before she opened hers. 

“I remembered how everything started with you hoarding me because I always get hit on by girls—and guys.” He was being cheeky in the end, which earned a glare from his wife before she rolled her eyes and eventually emitted a subtle chuckle as she joined him reminiscing about their good old days. Those days wherein they were trying to keep their relationship low profile yet now, they could freely live their lives as a married couple– and eventually as a family with those children following them around. 

“Back then, when I fancied our other friend more, yet I ended up with you because of how promiscuous you were.” She shook her head, feigning her dismay as she recalled her experiences back in the days that they were starting.

“Hey, you agreed with me on it—!" She was laughing when he exclaimed his point, then he straightened the way he seated and directly fixed his gaze on her. “Don’t tell me you are regretting everything when we have two kids now?” This time, it was his turn to frown at her. The lady of the household only snickered and pressed a quick kiss on hispout— as if she got carried away by the charm he has on her.

“I don’t regret anything,” she scrunched her nose, like she always did. “I am the happiest with you.”

Their sweet conversation was interrupted when their children hurriedly walked in their direction. He ruffled their son’s hair and complimented him for helping out the youngest one while he let the latter settle on his lap. On the other hand, she carried their sweet little girl on her lap before she handed their bag with a few snacks she packed for the family. The boys took some chips and ate on their own while the girls opened a tiny pack of pretzel sticks coated with strawberry. The mother was slowly feeding the tiny one and letting the latter take its time on making small bites; at the same time, they were being watched by the other two.

“Hyeonie is so cute when she eats that, eomma,” was her older brother’s remarks as he flashed his boyish grin that was responded by delighted chuckles of the younger sister. She didn’t entirely understand what her brother said, but the smile he made radiated towards her, and that feeling of happiness spread among the four of them. The innocent one continued to eat her biscuit little by little while she tried to reach out to her older sibling—her clinginess to him was so visible that it also made their parents laugh amusingly.

“Hold on, princess, you are still eating.” Their father took some chips from the bag his son was holding, then fed it to his wife, who was feeding their little girl. Right after, he opened a box of a chocolate drink for their eldest after he handed the wet tissues. “Minjae-ah, wipe your fingers first before you drink this one.” The child followed his instructions before handing over the bags of chips and holding the drink with both of his hands. Then, he gently snuggled the younger frame closer to him before he shared the chips with his wife.

“It’s quite peaceful here. How did you even find this?” His gaze shifted to his wife as he fed her again with enough chips before feeding himself. She was softly wiping the toddler’s tiers and made the latter drink a bit of water before letting her hold her tiny bottle. Seconds later, her head lifted and she faced him while she took some chips from the bag he was holding.

“I asked mom if she knows someplace. She told me an uncle friend of hers manages this place and gave us the least crowded days.” Wittily, she pouted and pointed at the drink he was having— as if she was signalling for him to let her have a taste of it. He was staring at her for a couple of seconds, confused, before it turned into a sly look.

“You want it?” He took it with his free hand and was to bring it closer to her tiers, only to take it back and drink himself. She couldn’t stop herself from glaring at her husband right in front of their children, hence why the eldest one ended up laughing along with his father.

“Are you two ganging up on me?!” She subtly exclaimed, yet still being mischievous; after all, they agreed not to use such a tone in front of the children. Instead, the man of the household let his little guy make his mother drink the one she asked by holding the can for her with his two little hands. Her tiers still formed a huge pout and waited for a kiss for the little one, which was obliged with a cheeky grin plastered on their features. “Thank you, Minmin~” 

“How about a kiss from appa too, eomma?” Her husband was too cheeky to let the opportunity pass him; hence, his query earned two groans from both of his son and his wife. “Ha!” He was already about to feign a frown when both of them leaned closer to press two kisses against his cheeks. He was astonished with it, though it was swiftly replaced by a delighted laughter while his cheeks were flushing lightly. “Aren’t we being cheeky, huh?”

“Well, we got it from you!” They both exclaimed in unison. He found it amusing how each of them was getting influenced by the other’s habits and mannerisms. It was as if he was seeing the two of them, his wife and himself, in each of their children— just like how his whimsical self influenced his timid wife and how she managed to influence her by being more loving and keeping him still on the ground.

“I love you three,” he murmured, though enough for his family to hear. His wife returned the same warm smile he was projecting while he hugged their son. The younger guy was feeling ticklish while being squished by his own father. 

“I love the three of you, too,” was her response while she watched them with loving orbs and as the sun finally settled on them. 

Before it got darker outside, they packed up their things and headed back to their place for supper. The father was carrying the youngest, who dozed off while they took their moment walking by the shore, and their son helped his mother carry their things while having their hands linked together. Once they reached home, the father-daughter pair settled on the couch while the mother-son placed their bags on the side before they headed to the shower first.

Thankfully, their mother’s uncle friend sent some food for their dinner so they wouldn’t need to buy or cook for the night. They only needed to clean up themselves before they spent the rest of the night watching series and went to sleep afterwards. As they waited for the first pair to finish their shower, the father of the household delicately woke up the youngest that had been napping in his arms.

“Little baobei,” he was gently caressing his daughter’s cute cheek, then pinching it playfully— but not hard enough for the younger one to cry. “Hyeonhee, time to wake up, or else you won’t be able to sleep later.” 

Somehow, the little one managed to listen to her father and slowly opened her eyes while she stretched her tiny arms and embraced her father. She was still yawning and fighting the urge to doze off once more before her mother came back from the shower and tried to wake her up even more. She was being a good girl though, as she didn’t cry when she was being compelled to wake up and shower. When it was the youngest’s turn to wash up, the other two arranged their supper on the dining table.

Minutes more, they gathered in the dining area and enjoyed a very warm dinner—with a set of delicious food and a small family of four. While the mother fed the daughter, the father assisted the son as they savoured the appetizing meal in front of them. It was very peaceful; somehow, they forgot the busiest days they had been through, and it felt like it was just the four of them in this world. The privacy they were hoping for was given to them for a moment, and they were never so grateful for it.

Their dinner was full of fun and laughter that completed the night, and right after, they proceeded with tidying up the table, transferred the leftovers in the smaller containers, and then placed it inside the fridge. When everything was almost done in cleaning, the lady of the house insisted for the rest of them to find what they should watch for the night. The children were too excited, even though their afternoon walk got them quite exhausted already; hence, the couple decided to let anything play until the younger ones dozed off.

Yet funny enough, when they were in the middle of watching the comedy skits on the television, the father of two also fell asleep while being snuggled with the children. She found herself laughing quietly as she turned off the television and got up to get some blankets to cover them the sleeping ones. It was good enough that the living room has enough space for them to lie down to, hence why instead of bothering herself with waking up those who fell asleep, she snuggled on the side of her son, sneaked in herself beneath the huge blanket, and joined them in their dreams.

[euryphaesca]

Spring.

24-28 Feb 2018, their engagement.

“Is there anything you need? I'll bring it for you.” He hummed over the phone while their manager drove the huge black van from their dorm. He was with some of his mates from the company hence the teasing was loud enough for it to be heard over the other line-- boys are boys, after all. 

“Ah, stop the teasing!” He hissed at them, which also gained good loud laughter from her. Still, he couldn’t help but grin at them. He is so in love.

“Just get your butt in here. They are bugging me about my husband-to-be.”

Her response got him flustered, though he still couldn’t help but smile widely. It was fulfilling: after all years of being together, it became official, finally. He won’t miss this chance ever. “Are you sure there isn’t anything else? I mean, since your cousins asked for Pledis Boys, so I am bring them--”

“Jeonghan, what are you doing--”

“Don’t worry! I don’t think they will make a mess!” Then, the lads made a sheepish sound but gradually cackled because of the couple’s conversation about how they will cause commotion during the gathering.

…

— — — — —

…

She was shivering, not because of the weather but rather because of being anxious. Her mother noticed how she wasn't wearing her traditional clothes yet and she kept on pacing back and forth. The older lady placed her hands on the younger’s shoulders and stroked her gently with a reassuring mien when their gazes met through the mirror.

“What’s wrong? Don’t be so nervous. Your dad is talking to your father-in-law and your brother is assisting your mother-in-law.” Her mother giggled subtly when she noticed how her daughter’s features flushed with her words. Still, the lady gently patted the younger’s crown after she made the latter face her.

“Will they like me? Mom ... I’m worried.” Anxiety was all over the younger’s features, “this is the first time we are meeting them. Won’t his sister think bad of me?”

“You are perfectly fine, my child.” Her mother hushed her. “Everything will be alright. So now, let’s get ready, alright?” She smiled at her daughter soothingly when the latter nodded to her in response. “Are his members going here though? Your cousins are asking me.”

“Mom, are you sure it's them asking? ... I think you got too mesmerized when they visited your restaurant one time.”

Her mother giggled again, “If I can, I’ll have them all as my sons-in-law, but I only have one daughter so--”

“Mom!”

“I’m just kidding!” and then, the mother laughed.

…

— — — — —

…

“I’m enjoying talking to your brother-in-law. He’s so witty!”

He couldn’t help but laugh over his mother’s remarks over the phone. It seemed like the in-laws were enjoying each others’ company already. It was then he perceived that the gathering was rather huge than they expected. Their family grew without them realizing, and now they are starting to build a family of their own, together.

“Mom, don’t forget that you have a witty son too!” He heard his mother laughing in his response, hence making him smile to himself. They were still on their way towards the gathering, and he couldn’t help but be a bit nervous since his family reached the venue before him. “I’m really sorry that you need to entertain them first more than I do. My schedule just got tangled up at the last minute. I will repay you later!”

“Hush my son, they are now our family so no need to say that. I’m meeting your other labelmates here too and they are so young! Some are even younger than Chanie!”

He laughed over her mother’s comments again. “Mom, don’t make it sound like you are so old!” Then, the lads with him in the black van reacted as well in agreement. The older lady couldn’t help but giggle over the phone and told him to relay her message.

“Tell them that their mother here is getting older with her first son getting married already!”

Hence, the males’ response: “Mom, don’t worry! We aren’t getting married yet!”

“Hey, that’s my mom!” the real son cheekily retorted, causing a loud reaction.

…

— — — — —

…

Everyone scattered the soonest they arrived at the venue. He instantly went to his parents and greet them properly and coincidentally, her parents were with them already hence he greeted them as well too. It was just brief interactions and apologizing since there was a short delay with his group’s schedule.

“Is she inside?” He politely asked, while seeing how the in-laws were looking at each other with such mischievous smiles plastered on their features. They both nodded and hushed him away, in which he quickly did after excusing himself.

It didn’t take for so long when he reached her room-- his sisters-in-laws/labelmates were in such a hurry for them to meet. They accompanied him until there and swiftly left even before he managed to say thank you to them. He couldn’t help but smile towards their liveliness and excitement.

He knocked twice and spoke gently, telling her it was him. When she didn’t answer, he checked if the door was closed before he slowly opened it and spoke again.

“Why aren’t you answering--” and he was halted when she finally appeared in front of him-- seemingly waiting for the door to be opened since she was there, standing still with her hands together and giving him a great sight of the traditional clothes, with shades of white and pink. Her hair was braided with a little small crown on her head.

“Are we getting married right now?”

“Namchin, what are you saying--”

“Let’s get married now.” he firmly said, “You seem ready for our wedding already.”

“Yoon Jeonghan!” though, she couldn’t stop herself from laughing since his gaze didn’t leave her.

…

— — — — —

…

The crowd’s attention drifted to them the soonest the couple entered the banquet; with her hand anchored on his arm and their steps being in unison as they got applauded. The sweet pair of the night couldn’t help but smile widely towards the overwhelming love and joy they were receiving. Seeing everyone watching them from the view in front of the table made them realize that their most awaited moment was nearing. Gradually, they will be one: body, heart and soul. And, no one will ever part with them.

His hand held hers tightly as they bowed to everyone, and still held it while they were going one by one to each table. He wasn’t letting go of it, so she held his hand. Together, they were greeting their guests with smiles and laughter, thank yous and congratulations, and accepting encouragement from them. It wasn’t yet the wedding yet it was already fluttering for the two of them.

He was so thankful to see her smiling brightly to everyone. And, she was so delighted that he was there to guide her to everyone.

Though, the couple was more grateful that their members were there to give more entertainment since they couldn’t handle attending to everyone all of the time. It was a sort of a family gathering, after all. They watched how their relatives blend with people from their label and it even amused how they were making the whole venue alive.

“Look at Seungkwan, he’s so loud and bubbly,” she commented while they both laughed.

“He fits well with Eunwoo, I couldn’t believe I’d see this side of Eunwoo.” he added.

“Look at your parents,” she secretly pointed at them with her lips, “they seemed enjoying having my brother around.”

His gaze shifted towards the direction she was pointing. Her brother was assisting his parents with their meals and keeping them entertained, along with her parents. It made them feel that their family members were enjoying each others’ company.

“Looks like we won’t have any problems since they won’t fight?” His half meant joke made them laugh subtly together. “Isn’t it nice?”

“Yes, it is,” she hummed happily, “I can have them take good care of the kids just in case they are so stubborn and want to come to our honeymoon, too.”

“Oh,” then he cheekily grinned, “that sounds like a great plan.”

…

— — — — —

…

“Are you tired?” She asked him while she fed him with a slice of cake she was having. “You didn’t even rest from your schedule.” Then, she wiped the corner of his lips to remove the icing. Her eyes were glued on his features, trying to see how he was feeling.

He shook his head, however, and gently smiled to reassure her. “I’m fine, just seeing you happy energizes me already.” He cheekily grinned, though he ended up laughing when she rolled her eyes and hissed.

“I’m being serious!” The worried bride softly exclaimed with a little hit on his thigh. Her red tainted lips form a small pout since he was still laughing at her. “I know you’d say I’m being cute and funny but I’m worried, okay?”

“Aigoo, Mrs. Im, don’t worry, I mean--” sneakily, he leaned against her ear to whisper, “later you can move your hand a bit higher from where you hit me and help me relax for a bit, well if you don’t mind.”

Her cheeks redden hard; they are in public, after all. She couldn’t help but hit his thigh once again, which gained a loud laughter from him once more. She was glaring at him so much, since the two of them got some attention from others.

“It’s nothing!” both of them exclaimed in unison, though the guests proceeded with teasing.

“Hey! Don’t make a circle of two there! Interact with us!” someone exclaimed, then everyone laughed.

…

— — — — —

…

“You know what, you’re so loud,” she rolled her eyes again because he didn’t stop teasing and playing around her. He has been bugging her to kiss him briefly and, since they were still with everyone, she refused consistently. “We are in public, Yoon Jeonghan!” She hushed him while she stole glances if someone was watching them.

“It’s just a peck!” He whined, mischievously, “I mean if I have to wait at home, at least give me a longer one, and yeah,” then, he got kicked on his leg again because he kept on teasing her.

Later on, the guests decided to leave each group. It was already getting late and there were things they needed to prepare since the wedding was approaching sooner. It wasn’t the main event already, but rather a thankful gathering for some who wouldn’t be there for the wedding ceremony itself. It took an hour or so before their families decided to leave the venue already and it was their cue to leave as well.

He was assisting her all the way to the car that would drive them back home. He let her get in the car first before he moved to the other side to sit beside her. It didn’t take long before they reached the main street already. “You look so beautiful with your dress, honestly.”

“Really?” She was smiling up to her ears, a faint blush was evident on her cheeks. She was supposedly used to his compliments, yet a part of her still feels shy and gets her flushed every time he would randomly say things.

He nodded and took her hand with both of his hands, then he started rubbing the back of her hand with his hand. “You are so beautiful that I wanted to say I do to you already.” He laughed, somehow she couldn’t help but turn redder.

“You know, I’d want to change your surname to mine, too,” he commented out of the blue, “do you want to get married outside the country instead so you can be Mrs. Yoon?”

She couldn’t help but laugh at his silliness, “You are so funny, nampyeon.” and, she continued giggling when she realized that he was being serious, “What? Not because I can’t change my surname because it was a law or rule to keep the family line alive, it doesn’t mean I won’t be yours.”

He sighed in defeat, then gently caressed her cheek, “How can you be so wise and beautiful as you speak elegantly, hm? It makes me fall for you even more.”

“Stop being greasy and our driver can hear you,” then, they both heard how the man in front awkwardly chuckled.

“Sorry!” He exclaimed while both of them laughed.

[euryphaesca]

Seven.

TW , Trigger Warning // Anxiety or Panic Attacks

Your palms were cold; you were shivering yet your figure was not shaking outside. Your whole being was just being numb and dull– seemingly being on the brink of falling apart yet again. It was confusion, uncertainty and despair that clouded your mind as you confined yourself within the four corners of your flat– an apartment that you wouldn’t be staying at anymore soon. You had been bawling your eyes out for hours without uttering any noise as you embraced your folded legs while laying on your crumpled bed. You were trying your best to soothe yourself, but it seemed like your demons were trying to win you all over again. 

You lost your sense of time as you were just staring at your empty drawer table– it was so clear because the moonlight transcended on your window and it was the only light your room had ever since you got home from your hectic schedule. The last person you responded to might be asleep already due to their dreadsome workloads, even though you knew you needed someone to calm your nerves as your alternatives did not work anymore. No matter how occupied you had been, nothing really mattered when you were being left alone with your mind feeding you with all of conflicting things and rationalizing it at the same time.

Ah, you were already tired of everything that you did not remember when that everything started. All you knew was you needed to suppress your emotions and thoughts as you worked on being the grandest one. You needed to stop having such desires and oblige to the responsibility you were given. You weren’t to complain; after all, it was something you couldn’t even demand. You were smiling on your own but you couldn’t stop the tears streaming on your cheek. Your eyes were already swollen and your lids were utterly heavy, but you were far from falling into a deep slumber– that somehow the last resort you had to recuperate before facing the following struggle. 

It just made you realize that maybe– in the end– it was you who had been the problem. The conditional love you offered and how you had been selfish not just to others, but more importantly to yourself. You chose to tolerate everything with your own hands and gradually, it became the definition you had of yourself.

You didn’t notice how someone was already inside your dimmed home. It was the first time he saw the frail version of you as you always display the typical you– the one who laughed obnoxiously, the one who would blatantly unveil pettiness, the one who would be driven by thoughts then forgot what it was in the first place. You felt him pull you back in reality just how he made you sit down with both of his rough hands holding you onto your shoulders. Perhaps, the reason why he kept your apartment’s passcode was to keep you checked, but never did he realize that the last thing he hoped for would eventually came true.

“Why didn’t you call me?” You were projecting a meek smile; worry was all over his features and for the first time in a while, you felt such raw emotion you were oddly wishing for. “Stop smiling like shit and talk to me. What’s wrong? Weren’t we just talking fine the other day?”

Ah, right. You inhaled deeply before you heaved out a long sigh. You placed both of your weak hands on his broad chest and gently pushed him away, though your efforts were definitely useless as it did not make him move an inch. You couldn’t look at him directly and you did not know whether it was because your body was giving up on you or because you were weeping out your shattered self again– the one you repeatedly tried to pick up in the process, but each fall back, you just lose a part of you yet again. 

“Everything is wrong,” you mustered to murmur, but the silence surrounding the two of you made it so loud and clear for him. Your voice was brittle, just like how you attempted to push him with more effort. It must be your fault for not being honest, for trying to interpolate things on your own negativity and probably for forgetting the important details that should have remained as literal as they should have been. “I’m tired of being like this– of everything.”

You saw how more puzzled he became while his eyes were looking for answers on your face– he was waiting for the answers to escape your trembling and dried lips, but all you could give him was your pierced self, crumbling right in front of him, losing every remaining energy in his hold. The remaining conscience you had within you was urging you to push him away, to let him go, to make him leave, before you gradually had enough and collapsed in his arms.

You would, if you were true to yourself; you would love to be held by him and be assured that he would keep you away from anything that would harm you– yet at the same time, you knew you weren’t in that position to do so. There were things that you knew you could not ask for as you knew that it was inappropriate of you– based on your own beliefs, at least. Your rationality had always been battling against your yearnings; it was an endless cycle that placed you in a never-ending situation of being in the middle.

You became calculated, limited, contingent– and when someone was right there to provide the world to you, you were losing all of your sanity as you did not learn how to welcome it wholeheartedly. Maybe you knew, but the world before him taught you that you weren’t deserving at all, that was why the moment he came into the picture– the clueless man was hurting the way you were hurting yourself. It was like a double blade stabbing the both of you, and maybe it was the reason why it didn’t go well before. Somehow, the same thing was repeating on its own right now.

“I told you to say anything, to ask me anything–” he was holding back his rage; the man was being conflicted whether he let his temper win or to patiently wait for you to come to him– to accept him and let yourself be in care of him after all the years he had waited. “– you know I’ll be there–”

“Do you think I did not think of that?” You interrupted his train of thoughts with a subtle exclaim– you did not have the will to be loud enough to express your pain, but your sobs were showing otherwise. It was starting to be the one that was constant– as if it was ever flowing with the strained voice you were emitting while you shed tears. “But what am I? Do I even have the right to demand? No, I don’t!”

There it was; the blurred line that remained unknown for so long. You had been comforted by an image of peaceful life you secretly hoped for– with him holding your hand and leading you anywhere else you would love to go. However, every time you wished for happiness, it would only be shattered by the reality you were facing. The encounters you had before his return taught you things you needed to know, or rather, forced you to believe in.

“Go,” there she was, letting her avoidant self speak, “you wouldn’t be happy here. I have nothing else to offer here. I am empty, useless, a karma– I am just nothing—”

“Is this what you really want?” His tone was firm, yet his patience was also running thin. The last thing he would want was to let his emotions control over the situation as he knew it would not be beneficial at all.  He called your name as he gripped on your arms. You could feel how he was also hanging in there, depending on your answers because there was no way he would push himself into you when you were resisting him in the first place. “Answer me, truthfully.”

“You have to leave—”

“Is this really what you wanted?!” He snapped while his eyes were starting to be blurry as well because of the restrained tears he has. He was keenly looking at your helpless state, waiting for the truth in your words and tears as you were just bawling in his hold. The two of you knew that you have to be certain with your decision before this whole thing concludes to another painful ending, but you were too exhausted to lose once again and you knew to yourself that was the last strand you had.

“No–” You hiccupped, while your quivering hands were against his cheeks. His eyes were turning red and swollen, even though he was keeping such a strong facade to stay still. “You— please— keep me.” You tried to complete your sentences in between your tears. How did you become this dependent and defenseless when it came to him? You did not know; yet, this time, your yearning for him overthrown everything else within you.

“Please— I need you—” You were holding onto his shirt, pressing your forehead against his chest as you confessed your inner thoughts; the desires of that child begging for someone’s warmth and assurance, the ones he had been waiting for you to say when you were not intoxicated nor were you hiding from your laughs or ambiguous words. “I— I don’t know what to do– please— don’t go—”

Your words were getting quieter as he enveloped you into a tight embrace. You didn’t need to say anything as his caresses on your back comforted you and gave you the silent reassurance you were hoping for. For once, you were truthful to yourself when you wanted to be greedy of him as you were nowhere letting go of that figure from your hold. For once, you were able to convey what you really wished for even though you were about to faint out of exhaustion.

You let yourself cave into his warmth and mindlessly let yourself rest after a long journey of agony. Although, you weren’t sure anymore whether it was another painful dream when you woke up again or it was a reality you would start anew from the moment onwards. You hoped those painful dreams stopped occurring in your mind anymore and you had been utterly honest that you wanted him and there was no way you would turn away once more. 

Yet, at the same time, if it was a dream, you wished you would not wake up anymore.

[euryphaesca]

Winter.

18 Dec 2017, her birthday. 

“Jeong?”

“...”

“Jeong, wake up, it’s already 8:46 am.”

“I’m still sleepy,” then, he hushed her before he tried going back to sleep.

“Are you seriously telling me that?” she exclaimed softly as she tried to release herself from his tight embrace. “Aren’t you supposedly sleeping in your room, huh?”

He emitted subtle chuckles, though his embrace only tightened as he pressed in his figure against hers. His chin was on top of her crown that was why it was easier for him to press half of his features against her head. “We have been dating for so long already. I’m not just your housemate now, you know.” He laughed again when he heard her grumble. “It’s still early. The Christmas market opens at night, too.”

“Are you not hungry?” She tried to look up at him, but his hold was too tight for her to move. He even snuggled since it was already the wintry weather and the sunlight couldn’t defeat the cold season. “You went home so late last night and didn’t even eat properly.”

“Nhm,” he hummed, though he already peaked on her window with his eyes half opened, “I’m so lazy to move. It’s so cold. I only want to stay in this position.”

“And what about me? I need to pee, let me go already.”

“Nope, I won’t let you go. I can’t let you date someone else after me.”

“Yoon Jeonghan!” Then, he finally released her from his embrace as he laughed. Before getting up, she smacked his arm– hence, his laughter uproared.

…

— — — — —

…

“Are you almost done?” He followed her in the kitchen and watched her roam around while having his coffee that she made when he was washing up. She already had the eggs cooked and just sliced the leeks for their soup. He already stood up to prepare their rice bowls and utensils before he helped her setting their table by taking their other side dishes. He lifted his gaze on her when she chuckled.

“And I thought you weren’t hungry, huh?” She laughed when he had to pause for a few seconds after being taken aback with her reaction. He couldn’t help but smile sheepishly, though his features still showed how cheeky he was.

“Hush, when it’s your food, I always and instantly get hungry.” Then, he laughed when she rolled her eyes before she started digging into their food. “Are you not believing me?!” He excessively exclaimed-- though he was being playful.

“Alright, alright, fine!” After that, they both laughed and enjoyed their meal.

“You’re gonna wash the dishes this time.”

“What are you saying-- I always wash the dishes!”

“Are you sure, Yoon Jeonghan?” she narrowed her eyes on him, gaining a loud laughter from him.

“Alright alright, fine!” He imitated as he laughed still.

…

— — — — —

…

His legs were stretched and crossed, with his feet above the wooden coffee table, while he watched the television. She was preparing her green tea for her early routine before she went to their small living room and sat next to him. She wasn’t really reacting within the few seconds until it sunk in how he kept on changing channels.

“What do you really want to watch-- ” she was starting to laugh at him as he got quite irritated with how there wasn’t any show that suits his taste. “Come on, let’s just watch this one morning show.”

He handed the remote to her in an instant, then took her cup of tea to take a sip before he placed it on the coffee table. Though, he had his questioning gaze over the show she picked before he drifted his gaze back to her. “You watch this? Really?”

“What’s wrong with watching this show?” In return, she also had her eyes on him with the same questioning mien-- or more likely, she seemingly daring him to say something more, in his perception. He didn’t hesitate to give in and plopped down next to her.

“Nothing!” He exclaimed excessively, which gained him a hard nudge from her. He absurdly flinched and only then got another hit from her. He gradually laughed and pulled her in a tight hug as he focused on the show.

“Is it not nice?”

“No! It’s nice!”

“Okay, good.”

He laughed again when she huffed.

…

— — — — —

…

“What time should we head out, hm?” He was gently playing with her hair while she skimmed on her phone. His smile widened when she gave up on her phone and snuggled onto him. “What do you want to eat for lunch?”

“Hmm, how about pasta? It’s a rare case that we go out since we have different schedules.”

He nodded to agree, “Christmas market opens at four. Let’s watch a movie before going there and meet up with others.” He was looking at her then blinked for a few times when suddenly she looked up and stared at him. “Why?”

“I want a date with you alone. Don’t drag in your other boyfriends, alright?” Then, she pouted when he burst a fist of laughter. “What?!”

“God, why did you make this woman so adorable?” He asked in the air while looking above, then he shifted back his gaze onto her and pulled her to peck her lips. “Alright, as you wish.”

She grinned sheepishly with her cheeks flushing a light shade of pink. “And, don’t randomly kiss me in public too--”

“Let me think about it--”

“Yoon Jeonghan!” 

…

— — — — —

…

She almost got up from being snuggled onto him, but then he pulled her close and made their faces inches apart. He hushed her with a huge grin plastered on his face. Somehow, they got synced in silence as their tiers were pressed together.

“Go shower already,” he gently patted her back to make her get up from being snuggled to him. She murmured in response and didn’t dare to open her eyes to keep on napping comfortably.

“If you don’t shower now, I’ll shower with you,” then, she hissed.

“You’re such a pervert, you know?” gradually, she straightened up while hissing.

He was laughing to her disbelieving mien, “Go shower already, it’s almost lunch!” And when she went to the bathroom, he decided to lie down on the couch and to sleep more.

…

— — — — —

…

Their apartment was just within the metropolis hence walking around was the best option for them. After all, it wasn’t snowing hard yet and still sunny so it wasn’t entirely cold. His eyes were on the road while she was looking at the restaurants on her right. Despite having their gazes on different sides, their hands were tightly held together inside his pocket as they walked casually.

She tugged his hand and he instantly turned his direction towards her as they halted from walking.

“Let’s eat here?” she turned her gaze back to him. Her smile widened when he chuckled and nodded-- she has been craving for pastas, anyways.

They were greeted and assisted the soonest they went in. It was a bit crowded though they were lucky enough to have a table for two available right away. While skimming the menu, the waiter suggested having their promo meals for couples-- which they both agreed to have instead. It consisted of two pastas with chicken each, a small pizza, and their house iced tea.

“Anything else?” He asked her while he watched her skimmed over the menu again, “How about dessert?”

She shook her head and handed the menu to the waiter and told her that it was all what they would have. Then when he left them alone, she whispered, “We can have desserts later in the movie hall.”

He laughed subtly towards how wise she could be.

…

— — — — —

…

After their main meal, they went straight to the movie hall. She headed to the toilet and left him to buy their tickets. When she came out, she saw him talking to an unfamiliar girl in front of a food cart. She waited for the stranger to leave, though she was rather taken aback when the female hugged him tightly before the latter left. Instantly, she walked towards his back to surprise him.

“Who is she?” she said abruptly. He almost jumped over when he heard her whispering yet taunting against his ear.

“Ah, you saw us talking?” was his response. He wasn’t really planning to make it longer but her face was evidently telling him that she wouldn’t let go of it all at once. “It’s no one,” he baited, trying to figure out what she would reply.

“No one, yet she hugged you?” her brow raised before hissing. He was trying so hard not to laugh as he snaked his hand to hers and placed it in his pocket. He was pulling her towards the line for desserts.

“Are you surprised that I’m nice to another girl or what?” she hissed again. “Come on, it’s my cousin you talked to three weeks ago,” he gradually laughed when she swiftly looked at him with disbelief. Though, she eventually looked away out of embarrassment.

“Did you get jealous” She was hissing again, though more likely because she was trying to feign her annoyance rather than getting even more embarrassed. He was trying so hard not to laugh so hard since they are in public. “Come on, Im Nayoung, admit it for once.”

“I’m not!” She did, of course.

He leaned in against her ear and whispered carefully, “Don’t worry, you’re oppa’s only baby girl, hm?”

She exclaimed and turned red, “Yoon Jeonghan!”

…

— — — — —

…

It was already dark when the movie ended, hence it was just the right time to go to the Christmas market which was just nearby. They decided to roam around the market first and play games (the market was huge enough to accommodate game booths). He first tried the target shooting, which she laughed over.

“Did you even hold a gun before?” her question got him and made him gulp, though still he insisted.

“I can still do it correctly!” And when it was already his third try to play, she was giggling on how he was being overly competitive towards it.

“It’s alright, we can just buy--” she almost jinxed it. Luckily, he managed to get three shots in a row so they could get the teddy bear hanging on the left corner. “Woah!” She exclaimed out of amusement, yet still she was laughing.

“See! I can do it! Hah!” He was so proud of what he did, even if it took him almost thirty minutes before getting it correctly. When the teddy bear was handed, he gave it to her before he got distracted by another game. “That--” he pointed to the booth on the left, adjacent to them.

“Do you want me to get you some goldfish?”

“No more, no more, we have to get going, babe,” she was already pulling him towards the other direction, still she was laughing over his hype towards games.

…

— — — — —

…

They, or more likely she, already bought some things like clothes and personal stuff. He was carrying the shopping bags while she was the one who had the huge plushie. In between, their hands were intertwined as they walked further. Hours of walking were seemingly nothing to her as she kept on checking each booth and seeing if there was something she could buy. On the other hand, he was already feeling like his legs and arm were about to give up from walking and waiting.

“I told you that let’s just meet up in one place after an hour or two,” she somehow frowned since she caught him massaging his arm. She pointed to the vacant bench on their right, “Wait for me there, okay?”

He turned his head towards the direction she pointed before he nodded. She was about to leave when he pulled her arm briefly, “Give me that, so you can go around freely.” He took the teddy bear from her and in an instant he carried everything towards the bench-- he was lucky no one dared to sit down on it before he reached it; she seemingly bought everything she needed and wanted-- from clothes to personal things and so on.

He leaned behind and stretched his arms as he looked up. Somehow, he ended up smiling to himself when he saw how clear the night sky was. Drawn to his thoughts, he didn’t realize that she was already sitting next to him until she pressed the cold beverage against his cheek.

She grinned cheekily when she got him startled before she handed it to him before she drank hers. “Don’t you need to buy anything?”

He shook his head as he drank as well, “You’re the one who knows house stuff and I don’t really need to buy anything personal.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Nhm, I’m still full, how about you?”

“Can we have fish cakes?”

“Why didn’t you buy it earlier--”

She smiled sheepishly. He knew what it meant; she couldn’t find it. 

He stood up and asked, “Anything else?”

“Uuh, can we have takoyaki too?”

He laughed, “didn’t we just pass through it earlier?” 

Then, she frowned and looked up at him with such puppy eyes.

“Good lord, why did you make this woman so adorable?” He sighed and laughed.

…

— — — — —

…

It was already past 9:30 pm and they finally decided to go home. Though, he saw couples lining up in a small booth along their way. He nudged her and pointed to the photo booth, “Should we try it?” They queued at the end of the line when she nodded. The line was moving a bit quickly and there weren’t many people who lined up so it didn’t take awhile until their turn and hurriedly they went inside and sat in front of the huge screen.

“Alright, let see ...” he briefly skimmed the controls and options. “Which one do you want here?”

She peeked and pointed to the one with a blue border, then followed the next option was six, and then they adjusted the brightness and he held onto the time controller to check on her first. He was smiling to see her being fixated with her looks.

“You’re already pretty, stop touching your hair,” then, she narrowed her eyes on him as she pulled him closer to her. Quickly after he let go of the control and let the timer start, he swiftly wrapped his arms around her and made sure their heads were against each other.

Next count, they were already having weird faces and then followed by her kissing his cheek. He was laughing subtly since she said no kissing in public-- though, he responded by kissing her lips on their last shot.

“Ya! No kissing in public!” She exclaimed softly, before people outside could hear them. He was only laughing at her as they waited for the pictures to be printed.

“Ya, you’re the first one to kiss me!”

“But it was on the cheek on--”

“Look, it looks great,” his lips were forming a huge grin already, especially when she was caught that she had her eyes closed as well when they kissed in the picture, “So you were expecting this, hm?”

“Yoon Jeonghan!” She exclaimed again, though he was enjoying teasing her that was why he sneaked another kiss on her lips again. “Y-ya!” And then, she started hitting his arm.

[euryphaesca]

Autumn.

08 Nov 2017, fourth.

“Autumn hasn’t ended yet,” he murmured over his phone while waiting patiently for his members to finish their tasks. He was barely focused over their shoots and interviews after his turn; moreover, he was anticipating the phone call he was currently having since he hardly has the time with the comeback his group has. “We still have time. Are you at home?”

“Mhm, we got dismissed earlier than expected.”

He smiled to himself as he listened to her gentle voice. She seemed to be hiding from her members again since both of them knew they would be teased again. With the thought of being long time friends, no one would expect them to be together in the first place. He leaned his back as he continued listening to her voice– though also listening to her words.

“Are you going back soon? Should I come over?”

“Nhm, how about coming to the practice room instead?” He nodded in response to his member who seemingly caught him in act; was it Mingyu or Wonwoo? He wasn’t sure since his attention drifted back on her right away; they knew whom he was talking to anyways. “We’ll be done in thirty minutes since it’s only Hansol and Seungcheol who are left.” He scrunched his nose as he peeked around; yeah, he was right and he was happy to know it.

“Should I bring food for everyone–”

“No–” he abruptly interrupted, “they'll head back home soon and I'll just ask hyung to drop me off.” He almost lost it until he heard her laughter over the phone. She knew he was hinting for some quality time together before they started to get busier with all of the year-end schedules. Their company seemingly became more active with getting them schedules or whatnot.

“Come on, I know you want to spend time with me anyways,” he heard her hissed and she knew he was already slyly grinning. He was about to take time for their phone call but he was being called already to completely wrap up their schedule. “I will meet you in thirty minutes, then? We’re wrapping up now.”

“Mhm, take care!” She softly beamed at the other end of the call.

“I love you,” he whispered. A grin grew in his lips when he heard her giggled even if she was probably scrunching up her nose.

“I love you too~”

...

————

...

He swiftly got off from the team’s van with his mischievous members grinning at him since they knew whom he was meeting after all. He had his hoodie, mask and cap on (and a backpack) as he went inside the label’s building, going straight to their shared practice room since they usually hangout when they both couldn’t go outside. The building was quiet like the other days and he was thankful for it– less people, less distraction and more time for them. He knew they were too accommodating and kind that they wouldn’t be able to leave someone, anyways.

Few steps more and he finally sighted his girlfriend waiting inside the room– with her packed rice rolls on her right and her phone on her left; it seemed like she was listening to music and practicing since he would hear her singing voice from the doorway. He took some more seconds before getting inside to surprise her, though she has sharp senses that she immediately noticed that he was standing on the doorway.

“Ha! You are trying to surprise me, aren’t you?” was her instant retort when she got up and came closer to him. She has her hands on her waist and her orbs narrowed on him, though her features softened as they both laughed over his quite failed attempt. He wrapped his limbs around her figure instead before he left a subtle peck on her tiers.

“I heard you singing; I just wanted to listen,” he grinned

“Hm? Are you sure? Or, are you trying to cover up your failed attempt?” she wittily hissed.

“Psh, I am being honest!” Then, she laughed at his reaction again.

Well, sort of, he was, though she was quite right as well. He /is/ indeed /a bit of/ a swindler, after all.

Gradually, she took the opportunity to leave a peck on the tip of his nose– but then, he didn’t let her move backwards and then leaned in again to have their lips share a short sweet kiss. She subtly hit his shoulder since he was chuckling over her reddening cheeks, even if she was holding onto him tighter than earlier.

“What if someone sees?” She slightly frowned, still blushing.

“Then, will they be jealous?” He has his brows up, grinning.

“Yoon Jeonghan!” He laughed at her subtle exclamation.

...

————

...

They were sitting on the floor; with her leaning against his chest as he leaned against the wall. They were both sharing her ear pods while listening to her playlist. She was scrolling all over the photos on his phone while he was watching her and eating the rice rolls she made for him. She would stop in several pictures, especially Seungcheol– she /is/ indeed the leader’s number one fan until they became a “thing”.

“Can you praise me more than Seungcheol, at least?” She almost laughed loudly when he spoke with a sulky tone– she instantly lifted her gaze to him and witnessed how his mien changed from being calm to quite sullen. Even if she was making fun of him and he was trying to be cute, she still took time to wipe the corner of his lips to remove some dirt. “What’s wrong with what I said?” He added.

“You know that you’re the one that I love romantically, right?”

“Still, compliment me more than Cheol,” he frowned, “don’t get me wrong, I love Cheol but I’d love it more if you compliment me more.”

“Psh, is this a lowkey way of admitting that you just love Cheol?” She has her gaze narrowed cheekily on him. Though seeing that his pout didn’t leave, she just leaned in to leave a kiss on his forehead instead. “Why are you being like this? Are you seriously jealous or what?”

“I want more compliments from you,” he snaked his limb around her figure to keep her closer. “Compliment me more than Seungcheol, Soonyoung and Joshua, but don’t get me wrong, I love them a lot.”

“Are you seriously asking for my compliments or you are just telling me that you love them?”

Then, he laughed and just kissed her lips since she was the one who was turning a bit sour instead of him. “Do you want to go somewhere else?”

She was wiping the stains on his lips, giggling at her mischief even though it was quite disturbing him as he spoke. He attempted to stop her from subtly brushing off her finger against his rough tiers by poking her sides. “What are you doing? You shouldn’t have used red lipstick if you’re gonna remove the stain on me,” he teased and then she hissed and pinched his cheek.

“What were you saying again?” She began packing up the empty box. It was getting late already and both of them decided to go home already before everyone began to think they eloped. Even though he was the one who suggested it, he was the one who began to be clingy yet again with pulling her closer to him for a snuggle.

“Wanna go to the Han River?”

“Are you serious? What if someone sees us–”

He hushed and murmured, “I have some extra clothes in my bag to cover you up.” Like a habit, he pressed his lips against her crown as she remained to have her slim limbs around him before she sighed softly. “Why? Do you want to go home already?” He asked while he caressed her hair gently.

“I just remembered how we used to hangout freely before we debuted. Now, we can’t even go out without risking being caught.” She murmured, with her eyes drifting somewhere else since she felt a little of embarrassment about her complaint. “I’d want to go there but–” she was interrupted when he hushed her again.

“Don’t worry, we can have our night walk date there now,” and that was how they ended up going to the Han River.

...

————

...

With the clothes he brought for her, loose white hoodie, mask, and the scarf she gave him, they arrived at their destination without any hindrances so far. He has her hand on his pocket, holding it tightly with their fingers laced together whilst walking alongside. Slow walks during a quiet night at the side of the river was already enough for the both of them– they couldn’t ask for anything more.

“I gave this to you, yet you are making me use this scarf?” Her orbs were narrowed on him; she knew he was sheepishly grinning beneath his mask. Few steps further, they decided to stop walking and then he moved in front of her instead.

“Well, literally even the hoodie and mask are also mine, so it’s fine?” He laughed when he heard her hissed, then he moved closer to loosely wrap his arms around her shoulder blades. “Plus, it suits you anyways. I think my clothes fit on you.” Then, he pulled his mask off briefly to leave a subtle and quick peck on her forehead, which earned him an abrupt squeak from her.

“What if someone sees–!” Yet again, she got halted when he pecked her covered tiers instead before he wore his mask on and his mischievous grin was evidently projected by his eyes. “You’re really sneaky, aren’t you?” She rolled her eyes instead before she gradually gave up on stopping him since it was pretty useless to do so.

“I want us to date like a normal couple,” he whispered while he pulled her closer, sighing to himself before he proceeded, “but if we aren’t in the same place as now, we wouldn’t be together. Let’s just wait until then, hm?”

“I’m not complaining,” she tightly held onto him whilst leaning on the crook of his neck. Her gaze was on the reflection of the bridge’s lights, “I love every bit we have now. I love my career too. I have both and I am already the happiest girl ever.”

“Hmm?” He mused teasingly, then she laughed briefly.

“Though, I noticed something.”

“What is it?”

“You’ve been kissing me for hours already, aren’t you getting too much?”

“Are you gonna stop me then?”

“Nope.” And with that, he grinned to himself.

...

————

...

After an hour, they finally went home. He decided to drop her off at the front of their dorm’s building, but then knowing how they were– it would be too risky to stay for a while and do sappy stuff, hence he even walked her towards their door. He was still holding her hand even if it had been a few minutes since they reached her last stop and her other hand was already holding the doorknob.

“Namchin,” they were laughing because she was purposely trying to make sure that her girls could hear what she was saying, “ I am already betting the kids are watching us from the monitor.” And she was right, she heard soft yet mischievous giggles from the other side of the door; there were probably six or seven of them prying on what they were talking about and the two were pretty much used to it already. “Go home already.”

“Should I drop by tomorrow evening, too?” He was trying to change the topic to something else. Obviously, he didn’t want to go home yet and he was just looking at her uncovered features. His scarf was already wrapped around his neck because she already scolded him for not using it when she made it for the chilly times like earlier. “I want to see you tomorrow, too.”  And then, he laughed because of the reactions they were getting from inside people.

“I need to make my kids go to sleep already. Yours are probably waiting for you, too.”

“Cheol’s there, he can handle them,” then she narrowed her gaze on him again.

“What are you two? A married couple?”

“Are you jealous?” Then, he laughed before he leaned closer to take her back with a brief kiss. “You know that I’m only gonna marry you, silly bum.”

“You should really go home already, the kids are probably gonna bombard me with questions–”

“No eonni, it’s fine, go on with Jeonghan oppa,” it’s definitely Minkyung. Then, the couple laughed again.

...

————

...

“Did I wake you up?” He carefully whispered over the phone as he sneaked out from his shared room, “did you get scolded from staying outside so late?”

“Nhm, manager eonni was like the girls– so into listening to my stories.” He heard her subtle laughter again, which made him smile as he listened to her voice over the phone. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping already? Tomorrow’s the D-Day for the comeback!”

“I know, I just couldn’t sleep without saying something to you.” Then, he sat down on the sofa in the living room. It was much quieter with their members in slumber, though they should be going ahead to bed soon as well, “Ah, by the way, have you heard it from Jonghyun? There might be a gathering some time soon. The staffers are setting up for a small family banquet during the holidays.”

“Mhm, I heard it from Dongho. Wanna do some pairing up, eh?”

He was quite astonished with her response, though it got him something good in his stomach. “Aw, aren’t you so cute? Matching outfits and being each other’s date you mean?”

“Namchin, it’s not a ball, it’s a dinner,” then he laughed when she hissed, “and yes of course I want to .. do those.”

“Why are you so cute, seriously?” He leaned his back and shifted his gaze on the window, somehow he watched how the Moon shone that night. “It makes me fall for you even more.”

“You’re so greasy, you know. Go to sleep already.”

“Before you~” then, he chuckled when she hissed again, “Yeochin, don’t hiss so much, it sounds like you’re gonna be a snake sooner or later.”

“Stop it! Wait, what were you going to say?”

“Hmm? Ah, I love you.”

“Silly bum go sleep already, and dream of me too,” he smiled when she heard her soft chuckle after her words.

“I love you, too.” she added.

[euryphaesca]

Six.

You never expect these matters to fall into places– especially on your own plate. It reminded you of that particular moment wherein you were told that you were always with someone, regardless of whom it might be or where they came from. You hid your loneliness and insecurities to a such strong façade and it did not once fail to enchant anyone who would lay their gaze on you. Your honey-like voice hummed onto their ears like a lullaby, asking for you to sing them such soothing songs and stories that would drive their fascination towards you.

Despite the consequences, you were benefiting with all of these. You knew the price of every second you escaped your realities, alternating your choices with one secret to another and then coating it with fatal sweetness so no one ever could see the truth in your dull gaze. You were too bemused yourself with the fragile happiness and love set out in front of you, and the impatience and fears of being left behind urged you to clasp on it– not too tight, but not too light, just enough for you to feel temporary contentment.

In between the new encounters and unseen rendezvous, you found a new fixation over the repetitive push and pull with someone. He found you first, but someone was limiting that connection hence your attention drifted to someone else. He watched you and your decisions be placed one by one– those things you wished that other person would understand ended up being deliberated by himself and you found this amusing because it was another undisclosed attachment you were having yet again. After all, you were seemingly accustomed to being someone whom they could not speak of as an interest. 

However, you just found yourself in another dilemma and got tangled with several situations on your own accord. Exhaustion was toiling on you as you were just letting these people come and go from your life. One thing you had learned from your previous experiences: you gave up voicing out your genuine emotions, whether it was wishful thinking or disappointment. After letting the tides calm, it became official, you were snatched by him when he knocked on your door and apologized for turning his back on you rather than choosing happiness with you; and you were there giving it a chance to prove its worth– if it was the risk you must take. 

You thought everything was moving steadily until your facade was slowly breaking into pieces. In this odd game of chess, everyone placed out their pawns until it was taken one by one, having the main piece exposed to the opposite person– at the end of the day, each one carries their own baggage and it is up to them whether they would share it or not. The whole sweet melody has shifted its course to a sharp and harsh tune that it was starting to stab you beat by beat. The whole story seemingly concluded within a span of five minutes, just like a sad song hidden in an upbeat tune. You were laughing aguishly, while tears were forming beneath your round orbs; you found it amusing, funnily amusing. 

It seemed like it was karma that reached your doors this time. It wasn’t just your relationship ended– it was also your never-ending muddy game and you have finally reached your time limit. 

After a very long time, you were exhausted with your mindless wandering; a path that you chose out of being defiant from the perfection you were projected to, a process of burying the half of your soul for a pitiless journey that did give you nothing but poison that eventually numbed you in the end.

You found yourself waking up on a one-sided parting that you just acknowledged. You were tired of having these emotions yet you did these things with your own hands. You already wept it out during your slumber a few nights prior– though you knew yourself that if he did not bring it up first, it was you who would do the deed. You always do that, after all. Your heels always chose to walk away and never turned back on matters that were not fruitful anymore. The more you release your grasp, the more anyone loses their chance to hold onto your hand. 

You remembered how he promised you never-ending assurances and affection before you promised yourself to him– only to find yourself abandoned with such reasoning that did not surprise you anymore. It was just the same as the previous one, showering you with sweet pleasantries and shifting the blame on you for having a demanding and troubled mind. It was starting to register in your mind that you were nothing but a trophy they were selfishly endeavoring to achieve, yet casting out somewhere once they realized that you were not the perfection they hoped to– neither the fragile damsel they needed to fix nor the saving grace they needed to fix them. 

You knew yourself you were neither, because you just wanted someone who would hold you dearly despite killing every emotion you accumulated, yet would continue everything you mercilessly did for you afterwards.

It became clearer to yourself; you just want someone who is like you, yet someone who would keep your feet on the ground.

That was the kind of saving you needed, after all. 

You found yourself sneering with your tiers forming a wry grin and your eyes turning red because of the tears streaming down on your cheeks. You sniffled and finally removed the shoes you had been wearing for too long before you picked the comfortable ones. You headed towards the door and stepped out of your long time confinement. You shut your lids and let the cold breeze brushed your frail features; you had no choice but continue to live your day after that long heavy dream.

Somehow, rather than pain, you found relief. You still felt that little guilt but you knew deep inside, you were thankful that you woke up and the exhausting cycle ended with that period you shared with him. It was unfortunately part of the process– and nothing could ever turn back the time that had passed, so you do know that being sober was the only answer you have in your hands to keep moving forward.

And knowing your habit, you would end up forgetting those faces and names, yet retain the emotions they shared to you even though you would forget how it began. You became selfish like that– yet it was also the experience that had caused you such a series of welcoming someone with warm arms and letting them go with cold eyes. 

Though, this time, you would never let anyone come in unless they decided to go where you are– from the depths of hell and to the highest peak of the heavens.

[euryphaesca]

Five.

You met her during your careless wanderings– when you were full of inebriation of alcohol and lust; when you decided that nothing would stop you and, in consequence, you ended up breaking many hearts because of your desires and aspirations. You gave them fair warnings– for those who got the confidence to wrap you around their fingers must have failed miserably after watching you flee away from their restraining arms– those who were willing to catch you, yet you became the bad taste they shouldn’t be wanting, in the end.

You got along with her because of the common circumstances you have: the word ‘commitment’ was a foreign trait in your system. Neither of you could provide a home to stay, but willing to offer the temporary warmth one was longing for. On your birthday, you kiddingly told her about forming a troupe as the both of you could not stay but your greed to have the person for yourself was rather dangerously existing in there. It was all for laughter and fun, until she started asking for your presence frequently and you became worried about hurting that friend of yours. After all, you had that bad habit of making your friends fall for you even though you did not intend it. 

It still happened, why? Because they fell over your sweet tiers– your affection rooted from curiosity and lust. No one could ever stop you from being the douche you became and no one could ever stop you from the path you decided to go through. 

Well, until she came into the picture, at least. She made you taste your own medicine and you got addicted to it. She became your intoxication because like how you were, she cannot give her whole self to you. You could see everything you were once in her reflection and when you admitted catching butterflies in your stomach– you knew that all you needed was just an assurance that she would only look at you during her stay, since you couldn’t give yourself that affirmation for this affair would last long, either way. 

“Once someone shows you the love you deserve, do not hesitate to come forth. I’d always choose for you to be happy.” Her words that you did take for granted, as you were falling too profoundly to the emotions that you divulge– something you finally found similar to yourself. 

Oddly, that kind of setup you had with her lasted longer than with those who wanted to be with you. The two of you shared such certain affection as if it was a slow-burned love story that you would be willing to build with her. You were already getting confused, however; you were giving such things as a lover, feeling things as a lover, acting on things as a lover– but you weren’t her lover to be exact. The time you were fearing came and the confidence you had back then was already crumbling into bits as someone else came in the picture. You were too persuaded by the contentment of such words:

“I didn’t care about those asses. At the end of the day, you’ll still come home to me.”

But this affirmation was not enough: you were receiving such dedication and sincerity from someone whom you did not deserve and you could not be truthful to yourself due to one reason– you still cannot give up anything yet, not now. You were being carried away by your yearnings and yet being reluctant if you deserved this kind of affection you were not completely convinced in the first place. You shed tears every single night because you did not want to admit that you were slowly falling apart. It has been disturbing your conscience that you are coveting something behind her and you knew precisely that she cannot provide it.

You remembered what your best friend told you, “In the end, you would seek for more; for that validation that you are hers and she is yours. No one would want to be someone’s passerby, after all.”

The day of confrontation came– on a cold day of Spring, when she was being occupied with something and you knew it was the only moment you could grasp since you were also chasing after time with your decisions. You could barely spend time at this point of time hence it came over a phone call. It was quite funny how the two of you were just kilometers away, but never got a chance to meet for one last time. Perhaps, in the end, it was really bound to be like that– and you were seeing it now, as lucid as the reflection of the ocean to the sky; you were the one whom she’d give up if she had to choose.

“I just needed to clear it out,” you exhaled slowly. Your heart was sinking as you felt guilt and pain at the same time. You could not reveal the truth; you just needed to have a defined line between the two of you for you to do your next move. And there, right at that moment, she gave it to you. She still stayed the same; firm as wood, cold as ice. However, you changed– and she expected it when you suddenly asked for a moment since you barely had the affection for the previous days.

“We can still be friends, at least, even though it will be hard.”

You couldn’t remember who suggested it, because the next weekend after that, you wept once more after she broke the agreement to talk things properly. That night, you promised to yourself that you wouldn’t let it happen again. You already bawled enough for minimal things with a logic of repenting over every single deed you did in the past. You weren’t certain if it was your will to let go of that hand you had been holding for so long, but you just knew you needed to break a cycle of vagueness and wariness looping in between the two of you.

Your gaze wasn’t fixated towards her anymore, after all. Your longing for her presence worn out thoroughly as you seeked for someone else’s comfort to complete the gaps she had left behind– or rather, she did not manage to fill in. You were still feeling uncertain of everything on your plate. Was it really because you were falling for someone else or was it because you needed a reason to leave? It was at the back of your mind while other fleeting moments distracted you from your despair. You were in that perception again; somewhere buried in your mind, there was a belief that it would not last anyway.

It was just like how things were with her; a chase of having someone you cannot attain, a mirror of how you were to those who cannot win you, a never-ending cycle of chanciness. Although, without a doubt, one thing remained: you were letting people come and go, as if they were the sacrifice you needed to save yourself– something you should have done before you chose the miseries of your life. In the end, the question returned to you. Was it her the only choice you would not pick, in the end?

[euryphaesca]

Four.

You were about to attend a meeting as your mother's proxy, since her business was suddenly booming. Was it June? Why were there many couples who wanted to get married in that month? It didn't bother you at first, nor even the fact that you were heading to your favorite cafe with her. At this point, nothing could ever faze you from the break up you had with her two months ago.

You couldn't feel anything but a flinching sting in your heart as you remembered her petite figure while she picked up her clothes from your dresser. You were trying your best to stop her by holding onto her arms but her sharp shrugged made you release her from the tight grip. You couldn't hurt her, and at the same time, it felt like it wasn't her standing in front of you.

You were waiting for your drink to be prepared before you settled on your favorite spot with her. It became a habit of you, waiting for her on the same seat to head home together. Mindlessly, your fingers were tapping against your crossed thighs while your back leaned behind. Your gaze was fixated on the street, but your mind was occupied by that night she left.

You couldn't stop your tears from pouring and your arms swiftly enveloped around her tightly when you heard her restrained sobs. Your mind couldn't comprehend why she was planning to abruptly move away. The two of you were doing well together in your humble home; months together and neither even decided to call it quits– well, until she wanted it that night.

You were busy minding your grievance until you saw a familiar figure dropping off from an unfamiliar car. You knew how her dark and above shoulder length hair looked, matched with her favorite cream dress; it was what you gave her before. It was only her back that was facing you but you were certain it was her. Your grip on your coffee rigidly as you were contemplating whether to approach her or not.

Her last words were 'do not find me, please,' and it repeatedly played inside your head just like how it rang again when you saw her after two months. And there she was, standing outside the cafe you used to spend time with; the place you cherished as the two of you built your plans and future together just like how your shared home used to be.

But, again, there she was, clinging her arm to an unknown man that was much older than her– of the two of you. Your heart was throbbing so slowly as your gaze was pierced to the two figures heading inside, as if you were slowly getting suffocated in each second and your fears you did not wish to realize surfaced instantly. An unknown grin greeted you, with a hand extending towards your direction and a meek yet manly voice echoed in your ears.

“You must be the representative. I am the groom, and this is my bride. Nice to meet you.”

‘Oh.’

It made sense now, somehow, since you couldn’t figure out the expressions she was emitting. How could she project an expression full of pain and confusion? Did she not expect to meet you right away? Exactly two months after the breakup? A chortle escaped your dry tiers, it wasn’t even out of delightment– it was rather a laugh out of resentment and anguish. Your hand shook the man’s and they proceeded to settle across you.

“My apologies and my mother could not personally attend to the two of you, hence I was tasked to assist you for your nearing wedding. But certainly, she will be the one to facilitate everything. I am merely just a tool to instigate things.”

And you did not mean it literally; you made sure it will also inflict on her– which you definitely succeeded. You watched how that hand you used to hold clutched roughly around the other man’s hand and even how her features showed you such sour mien despite being silent. Meanwhile, the man sitting opposite to you was not fazed at all, perhaps, he did not know that the two of you used to be sharing the same bed at night.

This man did not know how she used to familiarize her plump lips against your roughened skin, and how your ears used to listen to her never-ending hums of delight and cries.

Yet, those mere thoughts did not hinder the transaction; the reality that she was marrying someone and it was not you– and never will it be you. How sly, you thought, how dare she toy with your genuine emotions yet at the same time of the month, she would be marrying someone else. It was not even enough to figure out that it was planned all along and her agreement was just left, just like how you waited for her to say yes to you. 

You took notes of every single detail the stranger said, quoting how she would love those even though you definitely knew what those things solely meant otherwise. You knew how she loved the lilacs and tulips over roses, how she loved the shade of beige and monochrome more than the color of pink and red, how she loved the minimalistic things in life rather than something grand– and remembering those felt like reminiscing the agony you faced alone during the first few weeks she left.

You heard nothing throughout the whole meeting from her, as if she completely submitted her life on the palm of the man she was holding now and definitely, she did not plan to explain everything to you, but then never did she before. It did not take long before the strangers decided to head out first, with the man taking the lead by shaking your hand once again as he bidded farewells for the both of them.

Your gaze was fixated on them as they headed farther from you– your yearning was too evident as you followed her petite frame walking away from you without seemingly regrets. You were full of nothing but despair as you deeply inhaled, until time froze for the two of you when you caught her dull orbs looking at you for a few seconds before she was out of your sight. What was that? You did not understand her at all. In fact, you did not understand anything from the moment she stepped in and out of your life.

You just loved her with your heart and all you wanted was to be happy with her. However, all you received in return was nothing but melancholy and hopelessness. 

“Please do not hate me,” she muttered after she sobbed quietly when she thought you were in deep slumber in her arms. “I love you so much,” she was caressing your locks gently before she pressed a subtle kiss on your crown. “So much that I cannot bear lying to you anymore.” 

‘Ah, was I the only one you can let go at that time?’ And that night did not leave your mind, reminding you of the bittersweet days you shared with her.

[euryphaesca]

Three.

It all started with a little game when you were feeling hazy, then the intoxication became a messy sensation that you couldn't describe. You thought only tequila could knock you out, but you would find yourself drunk with the way her hands lingered against your skin while she savoured your taste. You thought it was just a game of physical intimacy, yet it caused more roar as you held tight onto her for more and so did she towards you.

Being with her was very heartwarming and not suffocating; she would always let you ramble about your days as she keenly listened to every detail of it. Sometimes, she would listen to your silence while holding you close and caressing your hair. Suddenly, you became the younger 'you' that you never thought occurred. It was fun, being together was fun; was it like this to have someone who was years ahead of you? You thought.

Days became months and you thought it was gonna flow smoothly until you received a bigger opportunity with your career. You needed to decide right away, but you knew you'd lose either your job or her. What made it worse was your birthday was around the corner and so as your due to decide. It has been running on your mind and there was no way you could speak it out yourself. You wanted to make a compromising decision, but the demand needed a full time focus. It was nearly impossible not to lose one.

She asked you if she could spend a night at your place before your special day, saying she wanted to welcome the day of your birth together. You let your worries be buried behind your mind and just focused on her, to celebrate your birthday. Upon pressing the doorbell, you were instantly greeted with a huge cheeky grin and glass of wine on her other hand.

"You seriously want me to get drunk right away, huh?" You took the glass from her hand as you entered your humble flat. She was just laughing just steps behind when you suddenly squeaked to see the dining table. Your place was small and you could easily see the four corners of it. "You cooked dinner? Wow? This is so rare." She loved fast food and deliveries too much, as far as you remembered.

"I told you, I can cook!" She was still chortling as she settled on the chair opposite to yours. The dinner was full of you talking about your day and her agreeing and laughing at it. Your concerns subsided at the back of your mind as it was replaced by the surprise event she prepared.

Just like usual, both of you were laughing and chatting all night. In the next few hours, you two were already tipsy while cuddling on the sofa since you both ditched the idea of watching a movie. It was comforting; waiting for the time was not painful nor boring. It was so peaceful that you almost forgot how scary things could be after a blissful moment.

Her alarm disturbed the silence as the clock reached midnight. You were slowly dozing off already hence you let out a loud groan when her phone rang obnoxiously. She was grinning widely as she ruffled your hair, urging you to sit up straight so she could freely move as well. You frowned, but you still followed her since you couldn't resist anyway.

"I have a gift for you."

Her mien was warm as she handed over a huge paper bag to you. Your interest perked right away when you slowly took out the box and checked what was inside. Your eyes narrowed; you were so puzzled to see a pair of red high heels inside. It was shining and beautiful; despite its simplicity, it was elegant and mature. She even got your size correctly.

"Are you ending things with me or what?" You blurred.

You remembered how your aunt said that giving your partner a pair of shoes was bad since it meant you were giving them a chance to leave.

"No, I am telling you to chase your dream." She uttered.

And, you remained quiet after; you were frozen on the spot. It was like you were waiting for the sign and the heavens gave you her as an answer. You did not disclose to her the offer you got, nor did you even tell her your plans in life. But, you found yourself tearing up as your orbs were fixated on her warm mien.

She was warm, painfully warm, that even in the end, all she could provide was warmth.

"No, don't cry." She meekly chuckled as she wiped the tears running on your cheeks. You immediately held her hand and nuzzled your cheek against it. How in the world it was crumpling like this. When you couldn't stop your sobbing, she caressed your cheeks and pressed a kiss on your crown. "Everything will be fine eventually, alright?"

"Do you even know what you are saying now?" You were trembling. Your anger was slowly building inside as you felt like you were being robbed of something rather than otherwise. You were gripping on her wrists that were holding you dearly, as if your life depended on it. "Tomorrow, I can be gone if I take that seriously."

"If it means you will achieve your goals, then I will let you."

"Stop it!" You threw the gift away as your bawling became more audible. Her expression was unfazed as she cradled you in her arms even though you were throwing your fists on her chest already. A part of your mind was delighted with the answer, but your whole body and heart were grieving on its own.

"Remember what I told you," she was hushing your cries while she caressed your hair, "You shouldn't sacrifice your career for anyone, including me."

It struck you; your main goal was to build your career and to set aside relationships or love. Meeting her was unexpected, but it didn't mean she was the end of all. You wanted to be successful like how you would retell her your vivid dreams and she would always tell you that she would support you no matter what.

And this, the shoes, the parting ways, the discussion; this was one of them.

You fell asleep while holding onto her tight, as if you didn't want the night to end. You were too drunk to think straight, too tired to move an inch, and too scared to let go of everything you got used to; of her. You only gained your consciousness when your phone was buzzing loudly; it was your colleague looking for you.

You didn't bother to answer since your mind abruptly went on finding her. She was gone. Your place was tidied already as if nothing happened the night before; as if it was just a dream. You were to believe that it was just made up by your mind until you saw the same box she gave you the night before.

It was there, with her messy scribbles on the card; her last words for you.

"Happy Birthday, beloved."

[euryphaesca]

Two.

You could only vividly remember how many times the two of you had huge and painful fights that would always resort to break ups. Nevertheless, you'd always find yourself back home to her; with her arms opened widely, waiting for your warmth against her petite frame. Your love for each other remained strong despite the mishaps, with the positive thinking that tomorrow, it would be better.

Oh how much you loved and used to tease her that you'd marry her only when she was already two years older from that time you started courting her.

The last break up was no exception, though you opted not to get back with the so-called labels right away. You wanted to ask her hand for marriage. It was a long preparation. You wanted it to be perfect; from showing her those lanterns at night to perhaps gathering people close to her for a surprise event. It was ongoing smoothly; the plan was to wait until the supposed anniversary and you anticipated the  meaningful date with such enthusiasm.

Yet, the date came with piled up concerns left and right. You couldn't do anything apart from holding her tight as she slowly lost herself from suffering and bewilderment. All you could do was to give her such assurance that she deserved to be happy and loved as in the end, she opted to fight the battle alone. You were willing to wait and be there for her, but fate decided to make things a bit worse for you both.

"I won't force you to stay," she told you, with tiredness written all over her features. You knew that she couldn't trust anyone at that point and you weren't an exception. "You can always choose to leave."

You didn't say anything and waited still; you showed her that you were still willing to wake up with her every morning and spend time with her to lift her mood. You would halt your work when she wanted to talk or always reminded her to eat on time. Sometimes, she would say she wasn't in the mood and you'd ask why. She wouldn't answer; after all, it was out of your concern. It wasn’t your battle to face; it was hers and only she could understand all of it.

The cycle remained as it was and everyday became more complicated as you didn't know what to do next. Truth to be told, it has been consuming you as well and you knew yourself that you couldn't give up yourself to heal her, especially when you were completely shattered, yourself. At least, both of you knew that neither of you wanted to be each other's rebound or punching bag, emotionally. You were wise enough to make decisions for yourself, but you just loved her so much that you couldn't let go.

You wanted to marry her, in the first place. For you, she was the ideal.

A gloomy afternoon changed everything from your point of view. As if something tricked or tickled on you, you decided to end a heated discussion and left your shared place with her. You stayed somewhere else for a couple of days without any word uttered and so did she remain at home in silence. It was too agonizing to carry; something inside you flickered and all you could remember was the same old pain you did not expect to resurface.

She messaged you in an upset tone; you'd know it with the words she used. "Maybe you should tell me if you won't come home anymore than ghosting me here."

You felt the need to respond; she has a point after all. The two of you were inseparable from the beginning; the morning and evening of each other, and moreover, the safe place of one another. You were doing okay, but perhaps, you got tired too. The whole setup was slowly swallowing you and the mere fact that you two couldn't heal while being together hurt way more than expected. There weren't any repairs to mend the patches; you were just a human, too.

"Give me a few more days," and you just took a day to decide. You tried to balance it out, but you knew yourself that you were slowly falling out as well. It repeatedly played on your mind: the whole argument that caused a lot of pain; the one that caused you questioning everything, including your own worth in her life. The following night you came home empty handed. She was waiting for you in front of your doorway, but also empty handed.

"We need to talk."

"Sure, tell me about it."

"I'm gonna stop waiting for you."

Silence came after. The two of you were just standing and staring at each other. She was trying her best to hold back her tears after you caught how her orbs went wide; she has been the tough one and she always told you that whatever you decide to, she would just only accept it. That night did not differ. She heaved out a deep exhale as she tried to keep herself composed. She didn't argue back and kept her tone calm, even though it was already killing her inside.

"I already had the idea when you decided to move away," she uttered, "I guess we are really ending here for good, huh."

"Yeah… We are too occupied with each others' businesses to tend to each other. I cannot be there for you if you won't let me, but who am I to ask?"

She wanted to scream; she had been constantly telling you that you mattered to her more than one could ever be. But, your features told her otherwise and it showed how you made up your mind already. You thought about it, maybe even before it came to that point. It has been lingering in your mind for so long: fight over fight, cry over cry, pain over pain. She cleared out her throat after she sniffled as she couldn't hold back her tears anymore. She was mad, painfully mad. After all, she expected you to wait for more days until she could get back on her track, loving you even more.

"I won't say anything and try to change your mind," somehow she managed to deliver her thoughts well. "I guess, this is a goodbye."

"I hope you become happier now."

"Stop it."

"I will leave now."

You took two steps backwards, with your gaze fixated on her unfazed gaze. Seconds more and you were listening to her cries when you closed the door. You could hear how she was so upset, asking why everything was so unfair to her. Your grip on the knob tightened as you were having thoughts shaken, but it was too late. In the end, you knew that it would just hurt the two of you even more. You dialed to call your mutual friend to check on her before you finally moved your heels away from the place you used to come home to.

To those tiny arms you used to crave no matter what.

All you could only wish she can find the happiness she deserves, even if it means it's not with you.

[euryphaesca]

One.

Your relationship with her felt like slowly walking on broken pieces of egg shells; you just didn't know when it would end nor if you could even pass through it and reach victory. It has been a never ending game of pushes and pulls that even though you were with her, it seemed like you weren't. Endless schedules and commitments had been the top most reason as to why you barely could sleep next to her at night. Probably, secondly, the sense of belongingness has been weighing down on you; there was an emptiness within you and despite you could see the sincerity and affection she has been providing, it was not enough.

Maybe all this time, you two had been on different wavelengths. And, neither would acknowledge the fact that it shouldn't have been like that in the first place. It was a shared idea; a mutual decision between the two of you since after a long wait, this connection was finally given a chance to blossom and that was all you wanted from the start.

You loved her, genuinely; you even almost got into a huge fight with your best friend to protect your relationship with her. A fragile relationship that you had been holding dearly because if you let it go, you just knew it would never be fixed again. All you knew was that you loved her and she returned it, no matter how she made you feel or even what kind of love it was. You held her closely to you, every time you had a chance and every night you whispered your prayers to your God while you leaned your face against her back.

 'Don't let me go.'

‘Please, stay with me.’

‘Please, choose me.’

Night after night, you thought everything was improving because she had been staying with you more frequently. You got to spend more time with one another. Heck, you even made out during the shower. All of the smiles and laughter, teasing and touching; you two were happy as the clock ticked and all of your worries were starting to fade away from your system. This was what you wished; an almost normal relationship with her was finally granted after a long pleas and prayers. It was fluttering in every concept it might have been, but then it was fleeting away at the same time.

It was supposedly a typical night, but when she got home from work, she immediately settled on the couch as she waited for you to do the same. Her mien was unusual and you didn't favor it. You knew that when she had this kind of expression, there was something clouding her mind. Seconds more and she held your small hand with her quite fairly bigger hands, tightly yet shaking. The silence was so painful that you could feel your own heart breaking as you waited.

She muttered your name after a subtle sigh, "I want to break up with you."

You let her speak as you couldn't say anything else, nor even to ask why and what went wrong. You were just looking at her features and waited for those orbs to look at you once again, lovingly; but it didn't happen.

"It's not working. This relationship is so unfair for you and the guilt is slowly eating me inside, too."

Tears were forming on the corner of your eyes. You remained silent, still. Your fears were coming back and it was happening in front of you. All of the efforts the two of you did were becoming fading at this point, and you were also panicking while being shattered inside. You knew these in the first place, and now, she was acknowledging these flaws of the sinking relationship.

"I know, I should try harder. If I want you to be happy with me, then I should be the better person for you."

This time, her voice was cracking too. Her breathing was starting to be heavy and soon, you watched how her eyes turned reddish and mirrored yours. It was full of sadness and regrets, and it stabbed you more than you could ever imagine. Never did you imagine that it would be more painful to see your beloved be full of guilt and disappointment– and it wasn’t against you, but to herself. 

"But there are relationships that aren't meant to last… I really meant it when I said I want to return the love you have for me… And I failed to do so."

You listened to her, keenly. You could only listen because you knew it yourself that love wasn't enough; your huge love for her, alone, wouldn't keep the relationship going. You were hurting badly that you could only cry. You began to bawl loudly while you wrapped your arms around her. You didn't want to let go, especially when you felt her arms around you as well. The warmth surrounding your frame was something you cherished for every single day, yet now, you were starting to long for it more than everything started.

This time, as she cried with you, she whispered her never ending apologies. She was shedding tears for you; for the time you gave to her, for the sacrifices you made for her, for the love you offered to her. And it ruined you even further because maybe, the two of you were just too selfish and decided to be together for each other's companionship– to bury the loneliness of loving someone and to prove your worth of being loved.

She was caressing your hair gently as she let you release all of the pain you had been holding back for so long. You didn't want this to happen, but you were too fragile for her that it was still her you'd run to for comfort. Everything you wanted to keep were starting to fall apart right in your arms and you couldn't do anything about it. It was bound to happen and the both of you knew it, in the end.

But for her, you would do anything– even if it meant that you would have to set her free and let yourself suffer once again.

"I love you," you stuttered in between your sobs, "so bad."

"Thank you," she muttered as she pressed her tiers on your crown; and, you knew that would be the last time you could call her yours.