#but. yknow. don't know if it's just replacing one weird thought with another or

[ratcandy]

Subcon Forest Analysis

Hi everyone I'm here to spill my aggressive overflowing thoughts on Subcon Forest and what it represents because it's been driving me insane since I finished the Sleepy Subcon time rift. Okay let's go. Obvious spoilers for AHIT ahead so proceed with caution.

This is also very, very long.

Disclaimer/warning: I will be discussing abusive/unhealthy relationships in this analysis. I mean. Vanessa. Come on. Also, there is a section on the nooses, and that delves, of course, into mentions of suicide. It will be sectioned off and easily skipped, but if you'd rather be safe and skip the entire post, that's completely understandable! Please stay safe. <3

Alright. Main point to be had here:

Subcon Forest is a giant extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character.

You all get to now listen to me spout nonsense about metaphors and symbolism because I'm a sucker for analysis and I'm given an opportunity to go ham. So perish.

The Ice

Let's start with the most obvious and most glaring thing in Subcon. The ice. It's everywhere. Not just outside Vanessa's manor, either; no, it's throughout the village, too. Shows up in the well and in random locations sprinkled about. When it comes to literal plot, we know that ice is just what lingers after Vanessa's wintery curse on Subcon. But going deeper and analyzing the meaning behind it?

Well, let's look at this from the perspective I've suggested. Subcon Forest being an extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character. A symbol for Vanessa then litters his mind, enough where it's certainly noticeable at first but blends in more easily once more of Subcon is unlocked to Hat Kid. This is clearly meant to be his lingering trauma, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. Which he doesn't, as he never mentions it directly in his forest (that I can recall). Her influence plagues him, as to be expected with the traumatic experiences he went through with her. Breaking the ice is something Hat Kid must do in order to fulfill the wishes of the Fire Spirits (another subject I'll get into shortly), which, if self-indulgently playing with the found family idea, could mean that Hat Kid is helping him heal; if indirectly. Even if fulfilling the Fire Spirits' wish to die is... counterproductive, in that measure, which I'm now getting ahead of myself so hold on a sec!!

Vanessa. Ice. Everywhere. Traces of it all over his forest. That's the effects of an abusive relationship! Especially in a worst-case scenario where... yknow! One party in the relationship dies! So of course ice would be everywhere.

In and of itself, ice is a common symbol in literature and other forms of media. In this case, it's presented as an antagonistic force; emphasis is placed upon freezing and the harm that comes with it. The cold is unwelcoming, threatening, merciless. Snow can act as an insulating force, at least, but ice cannot. It can only make things colder.

A slight stretch: Seeing as this game deals a lot with time shenaniganry, I'm not sure if it'd be too out of left field to connect "freezing" with the theme of time. Yknow. Frozen in time. Both parties here, Snatcher and Vanessa, would be in this frozen state. One largely repressing it and never fully moving on, and the other doomed to her isolation ever since the event in question. They never moved past that moment after the Prince and florist's interaction.

The Fire Spirits (& the Portraits)

I'll put a slight warning here for suicidal ideation, if only because... it's the Fire Spirits we're talking about. It's not as grossly in-detail as the noose discussion will be, though, so make of that what you will.

To me, the Fire Spirits are a very interesting case. After all, they're fire. They're a direct contrast to the ice, thus being the only thing we're shown that could potentially melt it. The Fire Spirits, in my opinion, represent hope or a strength to continue. A strength to move on after troubles of the past.

...And that hope wants to die.

The Fire Spirits wish to burn out, to leave this mortal coil and abandon the forest to the cold. They make no effort to melt the ice, they simply dance, blissfully ignorant towards their surroundings. This being a metaphor for Snatcher's own hope for moving on is made all the more obvious by the fact he wants them gone. The first contract is to kill the Fire Spirits, to kill the hope. Perhaps he believes that sort of thing to be fruitless or naïve, so it only clutters his mind or has him foolishly optimistic at points. So, get rid of it. And the hope is happy to oblige.

(That, or their willingness to leave the forest to its own suffering and not aid in the ice's thaw angers him. Besides the whole "bark bark growl I can't get to parts of my forest because of them!!" which... also could represent a naïve hope clouding his judgement, not allowing him to see a bigger picture. But hope can't all be lost if one wants to move forward...)

A little side-tangent now on the portraits! And it's another slight stretch but the idea is in my head and I can't let it go. Portraits are another common symbol, usually being a physical representation of a memory or idea. For our purposes, let's say they're memories. I know in canon they appear to just hold souls captive or something but for now we're just Ignoring That(tm). The Fire Spirits have to burn the portraits to disappear. See where I'm going with this, maybe?

Instead of handling bad memories (or perhaps memories of the past in general) in any healthy manner, Snatcher chooses to forget/repress them, which just allows his hope to progressively die out.

I'm really hoping this is making sense because it makes a lot of sense to me but I might be insane rn

The Fact that this is a Forest

Forest symbolism breakdown! What's a forest usually mean in literature? "Traditionally, the forest has come to represent being lost, exploration and potential danger as well as mystery and 'other worldliness'." Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. That certainly works with the whole aesthetic we've got going on. Wood usually is life, growth and strength. But the trees of subcon are all dead. So what about that? It stands for death, big whoop, very spooky, we know Snatcher's dead and so are the children, yadda yadda wowie wowie. But. :) The trees in Subcon look a lot like trees that were scorched in a forest fire. Don't believe me?

(You could also argue they're just regular marsh/swamp trees bUT SSHHSUUHSH HANG ON HEAR ME OUT LOOK LOOK,)

What I believe to have happened was a controlled fire to rid the forest of the majority of its ice and snow. Likely done by Snatcher. It leaves behind a very desolate, depressing, barren scene... but. What else do dead/burnt trees symbolize? Rebirth. After all, controlled fires happen to make way for new trees to take the place of old ones. Some trees only drop seeds in fires/hot temperatures, so new ones take root and begin anew. Weird. It's almost like... I dunno. Snatcher was given some sorta second chance, given he's not just a corpse in Vanessa's cellar. So were the subconites. Another life given then by Snatcher. All connected I tell ya!!

Generally, aside from that, forests have many connotations. Mystery, isolation, claustrophobia; a place to dwell on regrets, or the past; to worry over one's future; to seek escape from or escape inside of... hmgmrnmm!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Nooses

The t/w is given at the top and another cut-off point will follow the bottom of this, for those that would like to skip. This will delve into talk of suicide and abusive tactics used by abusers. Please don't read if it will upset you or make you feel unsafe!!!

Personally, I cannot stand the nooses, but that's just due to my own triggers. Were there a way to hide those from the game or replace the damned talking ones with anything else. I would take it. In a heartbeat. But I can still appreciate the potential analysis to be had with them. So now i'm gonna talk about it despite how uncomfortable it will make me to do so. yEa

So, what about 'em? There are three types of nooses seen in Subcon. At least that I remember but I didn't really go looking for them. Empty ones, ones containing empty subconites, and the talking ones.

Nooses in general obviously can hint towards suicidal thoughts or behaviors of the characters that interact with them. If saying Subcon is Snatcher's mind, it could suggest that he suffered from some sort of suicidal thoughts in life (or currently, if second death is possible... or if he never truly died... or maybe he's trying to figure that out...which has given me... a separate idea...uh oh). But. And hear me out. Different perspective.

A talking noose. I hate them with a fiery passion that is unmatched. But think of the packed symbolism of a noose that talks. And think more about what it says. "I wouldn't mind being strapped around a cute neck like yours." "Be careful now, I don't want to see you meet a miserable end anywhere, but with me." Oddly, a lot of what the noose says seems almost... endearing? One could argue it's a way of luring someone to put it around their necks, which in and of itself is a whole lot to unpack when it comes to suicidal thoughts beckoning one forward; painting itself as something romantic, almost. But. Here's a wild idea, now. What if the nooses, at least the talking ones, are another symbol for Vanessa?

They're tinted blue, after all. While Vanessa's scheme is more red, one could argue two things: One, ice. Blue. Ice. yeah. Or two, the fact that Snatcher's scheme is more purple. Blue and red... make... purple. So, for all we know, Snatcher's current state was a compound effort between suicidal thoughts and Vanessa's treatment of him. Perhaps he even found a way to put himself out of his misery before freezing/starving to death. (I know he has dialogue that argues against that, but... are we certain Snatcher would be the kind to admit suicide over freezing to death?... I don't think so.)

At any rate, a common threat by those in "control" of an abusive relationship is that of killing themselves should the other person not do as they desire. It's a cruel form of emotional manipulation to get their way, worse off if the other party is an empathetic individual. As a person who has been the empathetic individual in relationships like this... I would know. I've been here, unfortunately So, it's not completely out of the question to say Vanessa could've used some tactic like that, even before the whole... cellar ordeal. Did she? I dunno. I'm tossing ideas around. But if she did, the threats of such would sit around in the Prince's mind easily. Even if she has a reputation of not going through with it. It doesn't matter. That shit sticks with you forever, that scare, the potential of it ever being true, is horrifying and it ruins you. I'm projecting, Squirtle.

Still. A noose cannot hang itself. It has to have a victim.

...yea.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W PASSED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Misc. Ideas

- The spiders: Aside from the usual things spiders can be chalked up to symbolizing - toxicity, alluring danger, just... general pain - I like the potential wordplay that can happen here. Yknow. A black widow. Say the Prince and Vanessa were married when one died. What would that leave Vanessa? A widow. ...She's red and black, too. Yknow. Like a black widow. HA wordplay is fun isn't it?

- Snatcher's tree: Love this place, love sitting in here. But not the point! The inside of Snatcher's tree is such a harsh juxtaposition to the rest of Subcon that it kinda throws ya off guard. After all, the dark, purples and blues then contrasted with the bright warm colors of the inside. Even the music switches over. The thorns outside aren't present indoors. Ohh yeah this is gonna be on the nose as hell but the Tree(tm) is 100% representing Snatcher's appearance/put-on personality vs. his truer nature. Spooky outside with thorns, foreboding, unwelcoming. Then the more comfortable interior. VULnerable. Have I even mentioned that the tree is HOLLOW I mean COME ON. The sturdiness of that tree? Nonexistent. He's not a sturdy guy at all no matter how he fronts

- Intrusions are unwelcome: Snatcher does not like the fact that Hat Kid sticks around in his forest. His personal space. His mind. In fact he tries desperately to get rid of her after their fight, not wanting her presence in his forest at all. He has no problem providing more contracts later on with the Death Wish thing, and he finds great entertainment in messing around with Hat Kid, so it's not just a weird sudden hatred he has for her; it's the fact that. After she's finished being useful, he no longer wants her around, lest she find some things she shouldn't find. Now he's just uncomfortable with her in his personal boundaries. Could just be a denial that she's helped him heal (breaking ice, stealing from Vanessa, being something interesting for his kids to interact with) or just not really wanting a child to get wrapped up in. All that. Most likely the former. Considering the amount of joke-hints he drops regarding his background during his Death Wish dialogue. I see you funny man, making jokes out of your trauma as a coping mechanism. Punts him

Annnd I think that's all I got, for now! I'll make an update post if I get any more sporadic ideas. If you read this whole thing, thank you!! and also!! Wow that was a lot!! Hell world. Please feel free to elaborate on any of my points or debate with me on em!! I'm always open to other ideas, just be aware that if I disagree I am not shy when it comes to debate hehehe, tho I won't be aggressive to any extent I prommy!!

Alrighty. goes to sleep goodnight

[asexualzoro]

Hey! Just read Wish! It was so good! and now I have to ask- how would things have gone if instead of Ace, Luffy was the one who could see that Not Sabo is in fact an imposter? Like their roles here got swapped?

(shameless self promo for any followers seeing this ask: read Wish)

oh, thank you! i'm happy to hear you enjoyed it! god i miss Wish, i was just thinking abt it the other day, im thrilled youre giving me a reason to talk abt it again

that said... if the roles were swapped, and Luffy could see notSabo for what he was... hmm...

that one's difficult. on one hand, Luffy's a bit oblivious and gullible (and, at the point in which the story takes place, 14. he hasn't really been exposed to, yknow, any of the stuff that's made him a bit more hardened and responsible from being captain). if he asked about not having eyes, notSabo would probably be able to lie his way out of it easily enough. he also thinks very highly of and has a lot of faith in his older brothers, and he's always been incredibly optimistic, so i think on some level he might be willing or want to believe this is Sabo, so it might be easy enough to just accept "my older brother doesn't have eyes anymore" and roll with it.

on the other, Luffy can also be fairly intuitive, and for all his optimism, something coming to hurt and replace Ace is unforgivable. if he realized something was after Ace, he's not exactly going to try to work things out? he's very much known to see someone being a threat to people around him and shoot first, ask questions later. if notSabo makes a move to hurt Ace, he's throwing hands, regardless of whether he thinks this is Sabo or not.

so... im not sure there would be a functional difference. Luffy's simple like that, i guess. yes, his not-actually-dead brother's got some weird stuff going on, but he likes weird stuff! up until that weird stuff is a threat to the other brother, of course

this does remind me though... in the original version of Wish, when it was first being hashed out, notSabo was actually thought up as Luffy's wish, not Ace's. it then shifted to be a shared wish that both of them had made, but as the plot came more into focus, it became clear the wish needed to be Ace's alone.

if the wish were to make itself obvious and visible to Luffy, i feel that would imply it was Luffy's wish. which begs the question, "what did Luffy wish for? what does the wish hope to achieve?" i don't see Luffy wishing for himself to be replaced--he's just not that sort of person, doesn't have that sort of self-loathing, especially not at 14--and the idea of wishing for ace to be replaced would obviously never cross luffy's mind. the wish absolutely must come at a cost--the eyes it asked of ace, after all, were representative of ace's own soul, taken in two parts. in order to become real, to be given life, it needed ace's life. if Luffy wanted his brother back, notSabo would still need a life to sustain itself. what is the cost, if not Luffy or Ace? what would notSabo want?

its important to note that the wish never thought itself evil or cruel or malicious. it just wanted to make ace's wish come true. it didn't think it was doing anything wrong or horrifying, you know? it wasn't its fault ace wished sabo had lived instead--it was probably convenient, even, that the cost of its existence was covered within the wish itself.

a full role-swap, where Luffy can not only see notSabo but made the wish as well, would be interesting for a completely different reason. the cost of the wish isn't covered and i have no idea how they would pay it--assumably they'd have to exchange another life, right? another loved one? one of the nobles who killed sabo? a complete stranger?--or if they'd want to pay it. which makes for a fascinating story concept.

i very purposefully never really delved into what notSabo was or how it worked, simply because i think the mystery makes it scarier. and man, that sure does leave a big, terrifying question mark here, huh? how fun!

thanks again for your kind words and for giving me a reason to go on about Wish again! i hope this answers your question!

[crystu-cii]

XDD

I f e e l that pain in my soul-- my older sister uses cologne sometimes and it is sO STRONG AND WILL NOT STAY CONFINED TO HER ROOM-- AMD SOMETIMES SHED DO IT IN THE DOORWAY LIKE HELLO-- XDD

YEAH WH GET SOME SLEEP LEAVE THE STAYING UP TO US-- XDD

YES BABY JAIL, INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN LAUNDRY BASKET YOU KNIFE-WIELDING HEATHEN-- XDD oms XDD well I don't know them but I love them- YESSS THEYRE SO FLUFFY-- I'm actually curious what images pop up first imma check-- FLUFFY PUPPIES-- we've actually never owned ones that fluffy(those actually look more similar to shetland sheepdogs than the shelties we've had so far?? Very similar/similar enough where if someone doesn't know a sheltie we mention shetland sheepdogs), our current one is a purebred that we got for free(she was being given away bc her family never came back for her and the lady taking care of her couldn't afford the time to take care of a second dog long-term think) and she's got pretty short fur in comparison- still fluffy enough, but not quite so long of fur-- she's a blue merle(absolutely gorgeous fur, she's like 8 now with a lot of health problems but she's super loving still 💕💞) anyways about the fur, so long as you brush regularly you should mitigate most of that, and it mostly collects in corners- but like.. be prepared to eat and wear dog fur for the rest of your life-- (actually there's a thing called a fur zapper we bought recent that you put in with your clothes when you wash/dry them(I think it's dry but idk??) that's supposed to get a lot of hair off your clothes in that process? Also lint rollers are your best friend--) AND roombas are really helpful(we bought a knockoff one and rarely have to sweep ever so 👀) XDD WHEEZE I can't even imagine what you did-- but like you could ask for a budgie/parakeet /hj I mean, they aren't very expensive (actually they're pretty cheap) but they're very loud, need a lot of attention(especially if you want them to bond to you!) and you need to research into them a lot to make sure you're doing things right-- loads of vids online!! Loads of websites too!!! I'd know I have one- JUST A WARNING, FEATHERS AND SEED HULLS GET ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR XD p l u s like you have a friend who knows stuff about birbs :3 anyways ENOUGH RAMBLING FROM ME WOW THAT GOT LONG--

💕💕 I feel that XD OMS-- I WISH-- WHAT A D R E A M - s n a k - Awww but what a mood XD

XDDD oms YES-- EXACTLY-- XDDDD another good thing you should try eventually is SWEET POTATO CASSEROLE WHICH IS APPARENTLY DELICIOUS??? I TRIED IT FOR THE FIRST TIME(AT LEAST IN A WHILE) TODAY AND IT WAS SO FUCKIN TASTY????

H E A THEN-- XDD how cool of them to try tho :3 whEEZE Y 'A LL-- XDD

WHEEZE I SUCK WITH INSTRUMENTS SOOOO-- DAMN THA'S SOME BAD LUCK MY DUDE-- MAYBE YOU'RE CURSED DAMN-- oms wOWW--

Yesss-- ooh I've never played 👀 seen some stuff but never played-- (see: my computer sucks XD) I h a v e played Portal 1 and it is SO GOOD and SO SHORT and I WISH I HAD GOTTEN PORTAL 2 INSTEAD BUT THATS OKAY CRIES-- YESSSS THE SONGS SLAP--- ALSO THERE ARE ACTUALLY TWO WHOLE MORE CANON(PROBABLY KINDA MAYBE NOT?? IDK) SONGS, ONE FROM A LEG DIMENSIONS GAME("You Wouldn't Know") AND ONE THAT WAS CUT FROM PORT TWO("Don't Say Goodbye"(Harry101UK made an edit to make it Glados' voice!!)) THERE ARE ALSO A BUNCH OF GOOD FAN SONGS SO YEAH-- ALSO NOT TO BE A SIMP BUT GLADOS' VOICE? PERFECTION. I LOVE HER. ALSO I COULD LITERALLY DETAIL THE PORTAL LORE I AM INCREDIBLY EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS GAME-- ALSO THERES A CLIP THAT SOMEONE MADE USING A (VERY GOOD) GLADOS TTS TO HAVE GLADOS SAY TRANS RIGHTS AND ENBY RIGHTS AND IF I FIND IT AGAIN ILL SEND IT TO YOU-- YOU COULD PROBABLY FIND IT IF YOU LOOM UP GLADOS SAYS TRANS RIGHTS? IT HAS A VIDEO WITH TRANS FLAG COMPANION CUBES ACCOMPANYING IT-- ALSO YES THE PORT MODS(/ADD-ONS? MAYBE? THEY'RE COMMUNITY MADE I THINK BUT IDK ALL I KNOW IS THAT THEYRE COOL AF--) (also I apologize for all the screaming? XD it's like, four am and I was talking about portal so.. whoops?)

Right like wth???? I???? Okay but like December to February babies just fuckin DONT EXIST IN THIS GEN OR SOMETHIN-- CAUSE I FIND N O N E -- Maybe there are more December babies but there are definitely like NO January to February babies it is So Weird--

NEJFQOBGKW WOWW d an g like-p l e a se s t op over sp r aying-- xD and LEGITTTT LIKE- THAT WAS M Y ROLE TO STAY UP LATE- XDD

WHEHEHEZE- LAUNDRY BASKET TIME- G E T I N XDD anD YESS- any doggo is just such a cute doggo 😭💞💞 but for me- fLUFFY ONES ARE WHERE ITS A T- and ohhhh i see- FOR FREE?? W H A T A S T E A L XDD but awwww the poor doggg at least she's with you now ! ;0;; 💞💞😭 aaw such a lovable puppup 😭😭💞 and oHHH i see :00 but oh no- xD i also have a friend that has two dogs and whenever he would give me gifts- there would be dog hair on them no matter what- XDD and ooOhhh those sound really helpful! omg- i swear i dont have to have a pet for the need of a roomba- i already shed so much hair myself its so crazy-- xDD and oH MAN loud animals are really gon get my mom fired up- and OO birds just look so cuteee i always fantasize of having one- but then again- with the noise and all xD the more i think about it i dont think we are prepared to have a pet at all xD but i still dream of at least having one pet in my lifetime!

and OO that sounds awesome!! i have no clue if i even tried casserole before- man- sometimes i just eat food without even knowing wth it is XDDD but THAT SOUNDS so gooodddd :O

and LEGITT LIKE- TF IS HAPPENING WITH MY SCHOOL LIFE- XDD and oh my god- IT GETS WORSE- that year there was a FREAKINGG FIREEEEEEE- it wasnt that dangerous thank god- but it had to get a whole ass room renovated because of it- and guess what room it was- THE ORCHESTRA ROOM- AND GUESS WHAT M A D E I T W OR SE- that year- it was the first time the school replaced those 10+ year old instruments with new ones- NOW THEYRE B U R N T- and mind you that the school's budget isnt so- gr e a t- like oh my god i am still so bewildered over HOW MUCH chaos HAPPENED that year- and i thought that year was gon be the year- yknow? like UGH

and OHH MANN playing portal sounds awesome! but i just dont think the game would be worth my money cause i know the plot- and even with the mods and all my brain would be broken as i would possibly have no clue what to do- xDDD

and HOOOO MANNN game fan songs are just so AWESOMEEE- and those sound pretty cool! :OO and HOLY SHIT FUCK YEAH- GLADOS SAYS TRANS AND ENBY RIGHTS Y A LL- now im gonna look that up and let my ears be blessed by such words- XDDD and DONT WORRY BOUT SCREAMING ALOT- i scream a whole dam lot too XDD

and LEGITTT- finding someone's b-day in january and feb is so rare all of a sudden like wh a t - XDD

[roseverdict]

it's 1:41 am

i have laundry going so i can't go sleep until it's in the dryer, so guess who's having random thoughts???

i have 6 wizards in wiz101, none of whom are myth, and they're all level 10 except for my death (9) and my life (52). idk what that says about me but it's probably something

weird al has made a whole thing of parody songs. it's glorious. i kinda wanna test the waters myself, but like. all the lyrics i've done have been fandom-based parodies of other songs, some from completely different fandoms. like. a batim fansong except it's undertale. a gooseworx song except it's danny phantom. a cuphead fansong except it's also danny phantom. a song from despicable me 2 but it's from the "irl wisconsin frozen tundra why isn't winter over yet" fandom. a vocaloid song except it's for that faed game thing i keep yelling about. yknow, that kinda stuff.

i got like 3 flip phones from a rummage sale the other day and i. i gotta. i gotta feed my radio-hyperfixation/inventing-inner-grade-schooler. i gotta figure out how to make the antennas receive regular radio (or, failing that, how to replace the antennas to do that) and get the software to work with me

what happens if i bring one of those fiber-optic wand toys (another rummage sale find) to a pool. and stick the fiber optic part into the water. i know the water'll conduct the light (a light in a pool and my leg make for some really cool "light flowing" illusions, skxhskxj) and i know the fiber optics will too, but what about both at once.

im being pulled into so many hyperfixations at once im gonna explode holy heck im losing my mind sodhskxhsodhdkd

look im gonna be real here it's either get all these thoughts out now or forget i ever had them and also fall asleep before moving things to the dryer

smooth, freshly-shaven legs are out, legs with a bit of hair are in, if for no other reason than "it's really really Good™, so declares my sense of touch"

it's now 2 am on the dot and i've been listening to the same song on loop for 3 hours, easy

there's something ironic about how kid rosie, with regular dental checkups and the "toothbrushing" that was more a "gum removal", was less willing to brush her teeth than adult rosie, who hasn't had one of those "appointments" in years

actually on that line of thought, why are toothpastes so painfully minty??? in their quest to give people "minty-fresh breath" they turned kid rosie off toothbrushing entirely. i ate relatively healthy-ish, and due to my teeth coming in Everywhere™, i saw the dentist and the orthodontist every few months/weeks pretty much the entire time i was a teenager. i got the Vigorous Gum-Scrubbing Of Bleeding And Doom and the Tooth-Brushing Lecture every dang time i went in, and my only cavity so far was when a baby molar decided to become one with the tootsie roll. and i Could Not bring myself to put any minty toothpaste (the only medicinal toothpaste they would let me have until it became clear it Wasn't Working) near my mouth. only tooth-brushings were at the doc's

even further continuation, just breaking it up so it's easier to read. anyway now i'm 20 and don't have to deal with That Mess, i'm catching myself brushing multiple times a…i actually can't date good. multiple times a month, maybe even multiple times a week. still Very Much Not Optimal, but waaaaay more than before.

gee it's almost like kids don't want to do things they associate with any sort of pain or something

(this also goes for dishwashing. objectively, seems calming. in practice, i tense up if someone's running the water because my first dish duty, i was yelled at for not doing the dishes…before being told to do the dishes. and every time i bring this up, my dad takes it as "you're telling me to do this thing and i don't know how!" and gets more and more frustrated. and i keep trying to say "nO that's NOT WHAT I'M SAYING" but he just talks over me as usual because he clearly knows exactly what's going on, and what's going on is that i'm a lazy entitled jerk)

i could actually go on about that but im not gonna bc it's quarter after 2 now and i really don't wanna deal with those emotions rn so! subject change! churros! i don't get to eat them often but h. HHHHH. i love those things. i gotta get around to making some sometime… (OH, YEAH, i gotta make some brownies or something for my coworkers for covering me when i couldn't come in on one of our busiest days!)

hhhhhhh i gotta be at church (not waking up, not getting out the door, ALREADY THERE) by 8:15 and i'm Not A Morning Person Even When I Get To Sleep At A Sane Hour. at least i'll be clean but. H.

dad had espn on and fell asleep and there's a guy talking about "we can't put things off until tomorrow, we gotta do it today" and i'm just internally going "IT'S NOT TOMORROW UNTIL I SLEEP"

why are they showing somebody's impossibly cracked/blistered feet on espn

i can feel myself conking out, come on just a few more minutes

i wanna try and learn esperanto and sign language. spanish im already working on, but im under the impression esperantists are all over the globe, more or less, and it makes learning another european-ish language easier, and it'd make for a sweet code thing with my brothers. and sign language, i only know one sentence in it, and i wanna expand that

that sentence is "you just lost the game"

i am so sorry

well it's now 2:27 so i should prolly go give the laundry a looksee yeehaw

[tamiddyinyourcity]

2:28am, what the fuck.

Monday, January 6th of 2020.

I'm bout to vomit. I had everything but water and real food today. Takis, arizone iced tea, gummy bears, hella chocolate.... I had the "broke high schooler" diet today, as sad as it is. (It's sad that that is even a trope at all....)

What's a girl to do?

Drink some water, probably......

Any random thoughts to get off my chest? I know there's a few, definitely.

I had a dream that seemed all too realistic of seeing Patrick #2 again. The typicak apologizing, then talking like nothing bad had ever happened.... We were sitting by the lake in the dream. He ended up getting a bit too friendly, and.... I scooted away several feet. Then said, "I don't think I'm comfortable enough with you yet to be around you yet, especially if there's other women in your life you're seeing right now. I don't wanna know if you are, but I'm just saying that.... I'm not the same girl as before. My trust was broken in this, and I can't expect you to make any different choices than you had, or to really date me and have the expectations I set for the people who I do decide to date".....

I woke the fuck up; like, DAMN, I AM ARTICULATE?????? One of my first coherent dreams in ages, and it summed up one of my biggest fears of seeing Patrick ever again.

And it turns out, yes, I wouldn't be able to see him the same way.

Us making up before when it was just poor communication or my temper in the way? Petty shit that we got over. Grew from. Lessons learned. But, definitely not much to learn from "you uninvited me to your birthday party to please the bitch i was told not to worry about, even though i was planning to make it up to you, then you dumped me".

Other than, "Huh, nigga really never valued me.... thats wild."

So its definitely gonna have me hurt in one way or another if its like "Hey Patrick, how are you and the girl you replaced me with to fill a void in your heart doing? Wanna catch a movie later, and not be able to hold hands for the rest of our lives?"

And I just.... yeah. It'll hurt if I knew he was with someone else, so simply put, i refuse to find out.

Also, just as a random note, i get why he read my twitter and page when i first dumped him.... but it was strange.

The whole point of a block is to go, "I wanna talk shit into the void or get it off my chest, without this specific person seeing"... if you go out your way to avoid a block, and lurk intentionally, that's just on you, man.

Anyways.

But even then, if we hung out, id probably be caught up from our last few instances of "just hanging out", that lead to soaking bed sheets, or nights over, or entire relationships being rekindled.

....yeah.

Like the first time of cutting him off and getting back together, I'd say it was us staring at some weird boat digging holes in the water, and enjoying each other's company, was the day where it was like....

"Alright, I still like him. Oh dear, did... Not expect that. And he keeps staring at me and smiling. Is he gonna kiss me? I dunno. Just keep looking away."

Then next thing you know, we became a thing again.

.....

Then our full-on breakup, the one that counted. We did hang out. He picked me up from a party.... we talked. And well, we "talked" and "continued our conversation" at his place.... (we actually did, tbh.)

And then slept NON SEXUALLY together.

Then fucked twice the next day.

And we dated again.

.....

Jeez, even back at the very start of our relationship, our "we should just be friends with benefits, yknow, hanging out or banging with no real expectations on how things should turn out".... quickly became, too damn much like a relationship.

And thus, we dated.

....

He even told me that his dad and best friend bet that we would get back together. (I have no idea how they drew that conclusion in the slightest????????? But i mean.... Patrick did walk out his bedroom in the afternoon, holding my hand and saying, "Well, Dad, you were right! We're gonna get brunch now", a week or less later to drive their points home.....)

All the signs kinda point to, "Terrible relationship with no respect towards me", and "potentially would get back together if ever hung out again, due to insane lust and hormones, plus a somewhat decent level of compatibility between the two".

And I really don't want to re-do my whole, "so what if i said his dick couldnt fit a krispy kreme donut? we fuckin again" tweet once again for all our mutual friends.

......

I don't wanna set myself up for a failure.

Another case of, "Oh look, I gave it a shot, and it ended up blowing up in my face again".

Examples:

I could see him again, and realize that the more we hang out, that I still have unresolved feelings for him.... They're unreciprocated, making it a third embarrassing time of confessing my feelings to a person that is absolutely ruthless about expressing not wanting me back.

I could see him again. We talk. We hang. Its good. He has a girlfriend now. I am still single. I get bitter. Friendship promptly ends!

I could see him again. We talk, hang, its good. He's got a girlfriend now; good for him! Its Azalea..... "I told you so". Friendship ends, either out of spite, or me basically saying "i fucking called it" so many times that they might murder me.

I could see him again. Hanging out is okay. I like it. He likes me. I no longer like him, romantically, and its unreciprocated..... then, friendship dies again.

We see each other. It feels absolutely different, and not the same. It ends the same way that things with The Infamous Patrick #1 ended..... awkward as hell, and undertones of a resolution that never happened being a huge cause, but at least without the sex!

We meet. We have sex. Someone gets hurt, feelings get involved, and so does anger..... someone ends up losing their shit or not sleeping for two weeks straight out of guilt or undead embarrassment.

We meet. Fuck each other. It goes well. We keep fucking. Someone gets attached. The other meets someone new. Relationship and friendship dies all fucking over again.

We meet, and it just ends up as a fight.

We meet, and we both are single. We talk, reflect, hang, and it almost feels like a connection is there again.... how great. Except... I cannot trust him again. Or, he can never trust me like he did before. It gets tense, and unless theres a resolution, which probably cant happen due to broken promises and secret expectations.... it never gets resolved. And once again, I get my hopes up, just to fall back at square one....

...........

I don't know how to feel.

I don't think "i love patrick" is the answer.

And I don't think I hate him, as much as I talk shit on here about things.

But like....

Shit used to be so simple. I hate that things ended when it all seemed so perfect, you know? It was already a good thing, but I think us sealing the deal on exclusivity and him getting me the abalone shell earrings were what made me go, "Hell yeah, theres nobody else I'd be with right now", and feeling so happy.

But shit just HAD to change. I don't blame myself for a single thing. I had every right to be obviously suspicious over why someone else would be so suspicious over me without reason, and the bitch did everything she could to make herself look unnecessarily stupid, as fuck, for no damn reason.

She wanted a reason to be pissy and petty, so i sure the fuck gave her sloppy ass a reason. She can eat it, fucking dickhead.

.....but, i still miss when shit was simple.

I could go out to his car, we'd grab some food; have nice long talks, lay in his bed with the lights on kinda low, cuddle under all his blankets......

Honestly.

A simple relationship.

I can look back and go, "God, he was such an asshole", "what a robot", "why does he act like this?", "what a fucking pussy ass", or whatever (completely accurate and true) thoughts about him.

(Yes, i still think hes pathetic. He didnt believe me when i said that, but i wouldnt call someone pathetic, if they were not a human doormat, as well as a simp ass loser.)

What else describes a man who lets someone else dictate who the hell they can or cannot date/bring to their OWN event? Or a man that lets another man spit directly into his girlfriend's face? Oh, right. A pathetic fucking loser. I still get mad reflecting on him saying, "Well, i dont think thats true".... no worries, at least 50 other people can say youre absolutely fucking trash.

...... i got ahead of myself. Im tired, excuse this.

But, despite him being an incel, before all the dumb shit happened... our relationship was pretty stable.

3:14am, tired as hell.

Yes, believe it or not, it was a completely good relationship before. Or at the very least, it was never a situation where I wanted to leave.

Leaving him made me realize our problems, though.

He never listened to me, or genuinely made solutions for any conflict between us in relationships. Couldn't be damned to compliment me. And..... so much more, that honest to god, ill have to put my phone down before I consider making some pretty hostile voicemails to this shitty guy.

..........

I don't think I could see a man and go, "Hey, thanks for hanging with me, man who decided not to enjoy my presence. How's life? How's the friendship between the people you never stood up to? How's the new girlfriend, the girl from online, who you decided was easier to respect than me?"

...

I think I hate him, to an extent.

I really do.

I'm gonna write some good memories, to avoid having a panic attack and doing anything id regret tonight.

That time he trusted me enough to hug me in his car, crying, and being emotionally open with me about everything.... I miss that. Our talks, and seeing his face, tbh.

The way his eyes looked. Really great clear blue eyes, he was a good looking person.

Wavy, caramel brown hair, dark rimmed glasses.

The halloween party, where we successfully fogged up every single window in his Prius immediately afterwards.

The 2nd Halloween party, where upon realizing me and him would share an air mattress in his old roommate's living room, started chuckling as hard as he could. Full on giggling, with a huge grin on his face..... nigga was adorable. His smile was so nice. All i know is, we went to bed and woke up the same way, smiling and cuddling in each other's arms..... and it was amazing to me.

That time we had a pretty incredible round of sex, and I was nervous about it, but he said "What! No, are you kidding me??? That was *aMAZing!*", with a big ass smile on his face, kissing me all over.

The way his eyes got all squinty when his glasses came off.... He's always got resting bitch face, he'd make a perfect model, not gonna lie. Hot ass guy.

His ass is hella nice, but i shouldnt write this down

He was a very giving and caring person, when he put in an effort. He wasn't always on the nose about it, (hence that time i got a concussion on his stairs, and all he could say was, "Ah yeah, that sucks",) but he really did know how to make me blush.

......I wanna message him.

I don't know; it seems like I should.

It may be too soon, but i dont know, and the passage of time is a blur to me. I dont remember much between December 24th and.... Jesus christ, its the 6th already???? Holy fuck.

Anyway.

I dont know what id say to him.

I just.... feel hurt, and yet also still want to be his friend again.

I dunno.

3:29am, im still pissed at several memories of me explaining my feelings to him, either positively or negatively, and him deciding not to listen to them.

That lead to the head hit.

Another case of gaslighting and removing responsibility.

And i hated that.....

Im annoyed as fuck.

And im gonna try to sleep instead of thinking about how much i like, and still absolutely resent, this guy.

Hes just not someone he sees as the "i can come to you about anything" level person anymore, and it kinda kills me to know that as well......

Thats all.

Peace out.