#but. i know well how. closure is. hard to get by. i'm very well acquainted w that feeling of lack of closure.

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

Crazy but I saw you said Henry used to be your favorite so do you have some headcanons to share with us?

i'm glad you asked, actually! i've been writing a fic about him for 2 months (someday i'll finish it) so i have some thoughts on his character. but i haven't shared them because well, let's just say that mafia 2 is super valuable to me for honestly revealing not the best human traits (and i'm trying to make these mf even worse) and henry is like. fandom's fav boy so i just didn't really want to get burned at the stake like some kind of a witch

anyway  1) about henry’s family i've seen a lot of hc about him being the youngest + spoiled child. but for some reason it seemed to me from the beginning that he was the middle child and clearly not spoiled. and it's not about an abusive childhood full of deprivation, no. i think inside his family was quite cold (maybe not from the beginning, but if you take henry as the middle child - it had time to become so by the time he was raised). i think henry's mom wasn’t exactly tough, but strict (have you ever talked to mothers who raised multiple sons practically alone? i have and they’re some of the strongest and toughest women i know). and I think she took on the main responsibilities of parenting because her husband just didn't have time for it.

and then there's the whole Sicilian conformity thing (this reminds me of a story of an acquaintance of mine whose mother wouldn’t let him go to the store to buy bread as a child until he put on a suit and tie. he was seven or so btw)

especially since henry's mother had to organize the emigration of the family and the Empire Bay settlement all by herself (i.e. i'm sure there was help from clemente, but the point here is to create a home(!) in a new place in a new country. emigration is often a heartbreaking situation in general, and when you flee to another country to survive, it's hard. you also have to stay strong because you’re responsible for an entire family). i based this whole story of coldness within the family on one (1) documentary about mafia families (it’s called mafia women i think??women of mafia??? i dont remember) and my hair just stood on end at how far from normal relations within the families are. i.e. if his family found out he was a rat, they wouldn't come to his funeral, and if he survived, they would consider him dead. it's wild, but interesting. the fact that even in the families slides mafia traditions  back to henry and how his upbringing affected him.

arrogance - memories of how his family was treated in sicily.

coldness - his parents' prohibition of weakness/emotionality. this is where his outbursts of aggression come from - repressed emotions always lead to a breakdown.

critical of others - rare praise from his parents.

wounded pride - he lives in the shadow of his father and perhaps more successful brothers. a sense of competition, to which he reacts not by wanting to grab his rival by the throat, but by trying to hide and run away from it, just so that these feelings don't torment him. an attempt to change his mind and pretend that he is really cool and successful (instead of actually doing something. fake it till u make it only without making it). he's trying to be lana del rey but really he's just an aggressive wounded dog. maybe a flea-bitten one

mistrust of people is probably a consequence of the fact that mafia families are closed and live in a very detached space (?)

 anyway. it's absolutely 100% henry to me:

+ henry in relation to vito and joe (at least at first? can't say i thought much about their relationship to each other)

+ closure because of the trauma of death. because of the deep understanding that in this business it’s useless to have close ties, friends, love, anything. in the end you will lose everything. and for what?

2) henry and religion i've been wanting to write about this for so long, but i thought (still think) i'd get kicked to death for it

anyway, i'm sure henry's religiosity is totally hypocritical and selfish

hypocrisy - "if they wanna kill themselves so badly i'll gladly help them out. especially for twenty grand". excuse me. suicide is considered one of the worst sins in christianity (at least in orthodox christianity). that phrase couldn’t be uttered by a man who truly believes in god. not to mention what he does for a living.

religiosity is his way of asserting himself, his way of standing above others. the way he (not directly?) chides vito and joe for not going to church. it's actually an attempt to humiliate the other person and show that "i'm better than you".

and!!!! it's funny!!!! he believes in superstition!!!!! as far as i remember it's against christianity. booo poser 🙄

it's funny that he tries to appear to be a religious man and yet he's in the most abusive family in the city

nevertheless i think he donates money to the church but it's all some kind of payoff attempt too! not sincere!!!

3) random analysis - to me he is a fatalist! hence the lack of ambition. fate is inexorable and cannot be changed. maybe it's the trauma of emigration and upbringing, reinforced by the fact that he never succeeded. the idea of henry being a fatalist is based on his "it's the 13th contract, it’s a jinx" etc. lack of ambition due to fatalism - you blame external circumstances/fate for your own failure. maybe he broke his bones a lot as a kid and stuff, maybe he's got a reputation for failure? i don't know. not because he's bad, but because all sorts of bad things keep happening to him for some inexplicable reason (maybe if he prays especially hard it will go away?)

- the further he goes, the more he moves towards a crisis and a fractured personality. frustration, big losses that he couldn't deal with and that just weren't worth it (betty's death probably had something to do with criminality; i think almost all of his brothers were criminals and some died). and i have a hc about clemente who was going to make henry a capo after luca died. but then chapter 10 happened and everything was ruined. such a crisis could be a reason to work for the feds, or it could be an attempt to make a big score with objectively very little chance of success (............. or to become a don, which is the plot of my fic). either way, all of these actions to me lie in deep despair and entrapment

 - hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite hypocrite 

 - funny how he positions himself as a professional even though in the game he fails every time (character = actions, not words). i don't know, maybe he was once good, maybe it's wounded pride and he never admits to himself that he's not good at "the one thing he's good at" and considering this dialogue:

the situation is again quite tragic. it's like "im no artist i've wasted my life". i can totally understand that feeling and it's very hard. to me he's a man trapped in a world he can't get out of. he's trapped in a cage of a life he didn't choose (i think that may be one of the reasons he started working for the feds).

4) henry and betty i think they had a lot of genuine love for each other (..... unlike falcone and lauretta who are much more complicated) and for some reason i like to think that he and betty met because they lived next door to each other in neighboring apartments (the first scene with them in my head was betty looking out of the window and seeing henry in the next window taking dried clothes off the ropes that run between the houses. idk i like to think that he was helping with the household). and it does somehow seem very natural and right that betty was more proactive and that their relationship started because of her (he probably pushed her away at first btw?)

 if betty was killed by one of the families, henry never had a vendetta (probably clemente didn't allow it? one of the first reasons henry has a growing disgust for alberto)

5) random hcs - he knows francesca. very fucked up story because to francesca, henry is just a low-key polite christian (which evokes simple human sympathy), but he is actually the person who put her brother in jail. a person who commits the most heinous sins on an almost daily basis. henry doesn't know francesca is vito's sister either - if henry had spent more time with vito and joe: henry projects his traumas onto joe and vito: "you're so fucking naive." but then at some point he gets a brotherly instinct toward them - when eddie came to collect some of the profits from the drug deal he greeted henry with a punch in the face 🙂 personal grudge among other things (and since henry has many addresses, eddie went to each one and only the last one was correct. man was on the verge of a mental breakdown) - vinci and henry really are distant relatives - in the short time that henry and eddie have been working together (i want to believe that they’ve been working together), they have grown attached to each other. they’re opposite personalities, but they share a deep sense of loss and loneliness (in that don henry fic, there's a gunfight scene where henry and eddie are on opposite sides of the conflict and neither of them dares to shoot the other. eddie resigns and bows his head first. in this version, he also realized that he secretly wanted carlo to fail (still canon thing to me), he was incredibly tired of him and carlo's potential death seemed like a release) - one of henry's brothers took up boxing upon arriving in empire bay and was very successful at it. i have a random hc about this random brother having a fight with eddie. one of the reasons henry vaguely remembers eddie - i haven't written about luca and clemente here but my main point is that over time he developed an aversion and the family as a whole. this is the reason henry says he doesn't care about clemente family's destruction

6) vibesssss (there was supposed to be more here, but i forgot what i wanted to add while i was writing the main text) - about emigration. very painful and realistic topic for me. these screenshots aren't mine anyway it makes me think about henry and his attitude to emigration (which in my understanding is most often a tragedy for a person, because it is the destruction of the old familiar world and loss of emotional ties):

henry after betty's death. to me (esp the last one):

sorry henry it's you:

- it's also him. to be completely honest:

7) track list"Sinnerman" by Nina Simone: makes me thing about his death & character as a whole. his main song to me "Oh, sinnerman, where you gonna run to? Sinnerman where you gonna run to? Where you gonna run to? *** So I run to the Lord Please hide me, Lord Don't you see me prayin'? Don't you see me down here prayin'? But the Lord said Go to the Devil, the Lord said Go to the Devil He said go to the Devil All on that day So I ran to the Devil He was waitin', I ran to the Devil He was waitin', all on that day *** So I ran to the Lord I said Lord, hide me Please hide me Please help me, all on that day He said, hide? Where were you? When you oughta have been prayin' I said Lord, Lord Hear me prayin', Lord, Lord Hear me prayin', all on that day Sinnerman, you oughta be prayin' Oughta be prayin', sinnerman"

"Cold Cold Cold" by Cage The Elephant "I've been breathing air, but there's no sign of life Doctor, the problem's in my chest My heart feels cold as ice, but it's anybody's guess *** Well, it's cold, cold, cold, cold inside Darker in the day than the dead of night Cold, cold, cold, cold inside Doctor, can you help me 'cause something don't feel right? *** Counselor, give me some advice Tell me how hard will I fall if I live a double life *** And as the darkness falls, it fills up both my eyes My life before me like a flash in the night With my arms open wide"

"Snakes" by Pixies about the disaster he caused "Snakes Are coming to your town In tunnels underground Some travelling overground A plague for our mistakes They'll be right next to you Snakes up against me too There'll be nothing to do When the rattle shakes"

"Christmas Kids" by Roar about him trapped in a cage of a life he didn't choose "The Christmas kids were nothing but a gift And love is a tower where all of us can live *** I'm going to escape, but you won't know how Or where to find me when I'm gone I'll drink myself to death inside this prison cell This prison cell So get me out of here Get me out of here *** You'll change your name or change your mind And leave this fucked up place behind But I'll know, I'll know"

"Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection (not really about his character. it's about a drug deal)

i apologize for a lot of text (i could write more tbg but a) i'm too lazy for it b) i need more time for this (which i just don't have) ) all this is probably ooc but idk idk. this is the version of his character that has settled in my head (and i honestly!!!!! rewrote him a lot in october-november because at some point i realized that i was actually giving him falcone's traits. just because falcone is 100% my type of character) anyway i hope you'll have a nice day/night/etc and all this mess will be interesting to read💓

[trashpremiium]

havin a Night so uhhhhh rant time 👍

something i'm becoming increasingly aware of as I age is the fact that my loneliness and general social isolation is not the normal amount. Like i don't know, with 2020 and everything since I just kind of assumed that everyone was operating on the some level of loneliness or being alone.

but most people my age hung out with people regularly. they went to dinner before school dances and took pictures at graduation and went to go do things with friends when they could and kept in contact when they couldn't and it's just like... I never had that. I had few friends in high school (in person, at least. online is a different story but that's also so so different), just one or two acquaintances that i saw regularly but never hung out with outside of whatever activity we were doing together.

and when i got to college, i realized that everyone else had friends and support systems that i just didn't. that they already had people to be around. that they didn't need another person to spend time with. and i've been trying so hard to carve out a little space for myself, to have friends and people to talk to. but it's so hard when it seems like everyone else has so many other options that are so much better than me.

I find people who are lonely to make friends with, usually. they need someone to spent time with and are willing to settle for me until they find someone better. which they always do. but i've been a little more successful at making friends with people who already have other options (it feels a little like those birds that lay their eggs in the nest of another species. like i'm not supposed to be there and i've somehow snuck my way in. that eventually i'll be found out). and it's weird casually mentioning my own loneliness, and getting sympathy in response. because that's always how it's been. i'm alone, and i always have been, and i always will be.

well, that isn't true. i'm just very cognizant of the fact that everything is temporary, and i'm always one event away from losing every friend i care about. i lost everyone when i got to high school and decided to be openly queer. i made new friends. and then school went online two years later and i lost them too. i didn't even get the satisfaction of a falling out, or any kind of closure. they just... stopped replying to me, and i never talked to them again.

i think people have to be reminded of my presence in order to care about me. like if i'm not there right in front of them i fade to the background. as soon as whatever activity brought us together ends, they leave me behind.

and i don't know how to be memorable.

and i'm making new friends. we're getting there. i'm trying to not be a massive hermit. but i'm always way too aware that they could drop me at any time, and i couldn't even blame them for it.

it's always bad when i mention it around my partner. because i think we experienced a very similar thing when we were younger, but she got out of it and made friends and i just... didn't. she tells stories about high school and has so many friends. she's possibly the first person in my actual real life that's ever looked at me and decided that even if they have so many better options, to choose me. they're living a life that i don't think i'm allowed to have. so i hate bringing it up, because it always feels like a test that she passed and i failed.

i don't know how to be normal. it feels like everyone got the tutorial and can just... stumble their way through life and be fine. but it feels like i'm trying to find my way through a minefield and have no idea where to step. (it's the autism. everything about this is the autism which is so fucking frustrating because i see how much i've failed and i know it can't even be fixed because my brain is just like this and i'm always doomed to be lonely and on the periphery and constantly missing out) (and maybe it's not even the fucking autism because i know so many autistic people and they're all so much more socially successful than i am and i can't even make friends with them so i don't know. maybe i'm just broken)