#but you also don't do the “becoming one with your urge” thing that embrace durge does so i think that means it will eventually kill you?

[slayerdurge]

now the question remains do i want to play through the orin encounter a third time 'cause i kinda wanna see what happens if you lose to orin 😂

[animentality]

Maybe a hot take, but I think Durge is the real protagonist of BG3. Like... I'm sorry, everyone love their Tavs, but from a narrative point of view, it doesn't have fucking sense. It's just another guy (gender neutral) in a The Choosen One situation. I've read this story before, hundreds of times. But Durge's recepción (or disgrace)... now that has juice! That makes sense on a narrative level. You started it, you end it, one way or another.

Anyway, I'm never (with my +500 hours) going to play a Tav run. Ever. Origins only, mostly Durge. Durge and Durgetash are waaaaay better, sorry not sorry.

You are spitting nothing but facts, anon.

You wanna know what the HONEST to GOD fundamental problem is with the writing of Baldur's Gate 3?

It's that it spreads itself so thin, desperately attempting to write an open sandbox sort of world in which ANY kind of character can fit in...that it ends up being this hollow nothing.

IMAGINE if the Dark Urge WAS the default protagonist. It WOULD'VE BEEN an amazing story, if it had been given the focus it deserved, instead of just blankly repeating the SAME dialogue you'd get as a Tav and as an origin.

The idea of a former villain turned amnesiac, and going on an adventure, learning about themselves from the perspective of an outsider and seeing firsthand the horror they've wrought? It's like a fucking Zuko arc, except finding out you were the Big Bad all along could've been written even better than that...

We could've had that blank, nothing slate that Tavs start out as...and then find out, that it has thematic significance, because WE CHOOSE who we become, after a childhood/adulthood of being unable to make our own choices, and being forced into the role of the villain before the game even starts.

It's a MUCH BETTER WAY to give people a blank slate to work with, for the fun of roleplaying, but ALSO asserting a particular theme. Which is, the gravity of your choices, big and small. To do good or to embrace evil.

YOU KNOW. How Baldur's Gate 1 and 2 did being a Bhaalspawn.

IT'S ALSO A REALLY GREAT WAY to DO an RPG because yes, you slightly infringe upon the freedom of the customizable characters a person can make, but in exchange, you actually tell a fucking story where choices are the main theme.

INSTEAD. Because they were so dedicated to Tavs and the variety of ways you could play as a Tav...they completely undersell and underutilize what could've been a really amazing character.

You can literally choose to DIE for your friends in the end...and then what?

Withers brings you back in five seconds, no one has any real reaction to you doing that, except saying good job buddy :)

And then you're basically a Tav.

And ALSO. I want to say this, because it's been bothering me.

The Dark Urge has Tav syndrome too.

They have TWO notes in the entire game that we have to read into to try and glean a greater depth to their character other than murder hobo.

And that's it. They're a blank slate too.

If the Dark Urge was the protagonist, we might've been able to look into who they were before, outside of just laughably evil flesh eating monster.

They might've had real fucking depth, instead of just tidbits.

I and my fellow Dark Urge/ Durgetash enjoyers have to do the fucking work for them and write in stuff that isn't actually there. The Dark Urge as a protagonist could've been really meaningful. We could've seen inklings that they had misgivings about being Bhaal's Chosen. We could've seen scars of resistance, where they tried to defy Bhaal, but were punished with death, disintegration by the loving hands of your own father and flesh. We could've had betrayal, redemption, loyalty to one's blood family vs one's found family.

But we don't get that, because it's taking too much time away from Tavs.

Sometimes I really wish the Dark Urge wasn't even an option. They gave me this thing, and I thought wow this is the only way to play the game...and then I look and see, ah. But the potential for greatness could drive me absolutely insane.

And it has.

Durgetash is the product of my frustration with the game's characterization of the Dark Urge.

And I know I'm pissing off the salty BG3 fans who love their Tavs and all, and think the Dark Urge is lame, and god FORBID a protagonist have a character, can't have that in an RPG, but I can't find it in myself to care.

I'm built different than the rest of y'all. I don't just feed on content, I analyze its nutrients. I calculate how good for me it actually is.

And BG3 has wonderful mechanics.

But the story has so many problems, from beginning to rotten end.

And it is what it is. I still enjoyed myself playing it.

But the story isn't good for anything except allowing you to create a far more compelling story on your own, in fanfic or in original work inspired by it.

And I guess if that's all they wanted, then fine.

But goddamnit, I'm gonna complain anyway! Divinity 2 did it fucking better.

[outeremissary]

3 and 4 from the ask list? or any that'd you'd be excited to answer?

Thank you Alistair!!! I have done my best but this has made me remember I am. Highly incoherent trying to explain why music sticks to things in my brain. I hope. Something gets through here.

[prompt list]

This went under a cut because I, writing this late at night, also got out of control wordy. Not my best stringing thoughts together

3) What song describes your OC?

I have many ungodly OC playlists but because this is dealer's choice I need to show you the song that has been RUINING MY LIFE over Kasander for the past week and a half, the week and a half it has been out there, sorry

(if the spotify thing turns out fucked up sorry I'm not fixing it I do Not understand that website)

At the very least, paladin DUrge is clear cut here I think. Kasander has this bright spark of hope to them, this optimism about the world and joy in existing in it, that's constantly at war with the reality that they actually exist in- the skin they live in, the person they are.

You can see it. It is clear.

The song just conveys a whole arc (which is of course for the character of Don Quixote, amnesiac vampire, in the game it's actually from) that for me really really maps onto Kasander's over the course of BG3. Especially recovering the understanding of their actual reality, because Kasander starts the game certain from what little information they have that they are a paladin and must be a Hero and a Good Person and it does break them a little to know that they were the furthest thing from that and parts of them still cling to that existence. But there's also that movement towards acceptance, assimilating the harsh truth and still maintaining a sense of identity. And this repeated line near the end stands out to me as well.

To me the real character breakthrough they have post-amnesia isn't really that they become a Good Person, it's that for the first time in their life they become able to see themself in their entirety, with all their conflicting desires and experiences. There are parts of them they don't understand and which frighten them, and also some of those initially incomprehensible parts have given them the ability to move forward in a life of hardship. Asperia could never accept those paradoxes, was too afraid of them to begin to untangle them. And that's why Asperia could never see herself completely- it was too terrifying to imagine that a part of him was "Kasander" and held so many forbidden desires and urges. To see themself and embrace themself- the parts of them that are Kasander, that are Asperia, that are neither- that's the self-actualization baby!!!!!! Or the beginning, at least. This is such a waving my hands wildly Understand My Vision but like. Understand my vision. If you do not know Kasander that's okay the song is perfect it all makes sense here just listen to the song it will all be clear

(kas quixote to back my words)

4) What song describes your OC and their partner/love interest?

Okay back to Kingmaker. Although Sarenrae it's hard to actually narrow this down because 1) the playlist is Long and 2) in 2020 it seemed like a great idea to organize it chronologically and that makes it Weird to pick out any one thing as the Definitive Song. Genius move, past me.

Anyway this might be an Insane Pick vibes wise out of everything but it's a good one for pulling lyrics without having to endlessly contextualize in timeline

yes I know it's seven minutes long.

*points* understand my vision. you know. it's like. you know.

But more importantly, this chorus

Like there's really a big like. Core of it to me. That they aren't really alike in a lot of ways, but that they kind of come to see each other and for each to understand the precarious position the other stands in. The unbalanced sense of self, the pull of so many obligations, so many masks. And I guess to me there's something very precious about having someone who releases you from the obligation to have the right desires, even if you don't share them.

I guess a lot of that also comes to my read on Tristian, which I know not everyone shares- I see Tristian as strongly driven by a need to align sense of ideal self with actual self. As we meet them, Tristian is a failed angel in the most literal sense, having lost their supernatural status entirely. But like... before that, Tristian still had a sense of needing to be someone/being owed recognition as something that they were not. The desire for recognition as an exceptional person and as a hero and as something above their station- it's both striving higher than they stood and also sinking beneath what they're meant to be, because that hubris has an impurity to it. Being an angel, being an angel in a particular way, feeling like they exist in the world wrong, and then having that snatched away again and being confronted with the starkest ways they fail to exist as an "angel" in any way.... I'm compelled by the way humanity clings to Tristian. Human ambitions, human follies, human failures, human desperations for safety and glory and acknowledgement. The release from the need to pretend at humanity or to exist as a perfect angel. That's what I mean.

I feel like I do so much Balthazar posting that the opposite is probably pretty obvious, but like- and this is some story arc thing- also in reverse, the understanding that Balthazar is not, never has been, and does not desire to be an angel, something that many people have refused to see in him. That he clings desperately to what is petty and mortal and flawed in himself and makes a shield out of his ugliest pieces, and also that the need to define himself against his heritage has slowly carved away at what he feels he can be, whether he realizes it or not. He has a brightness that's his own, a vivacity that peeks through the layers of performance and sometimes makes them real. And there's not any reason to change to nurture that. It's always there, it's always been there. It just goes unseen.

Anyway this stuff about hidden pieces and the public eye vs. the private self, this is what I mean with it. The not changing. Not becoming someone else. That it's enough to see and accept and see again. Thumbs up

I was going to put a more fun and tonally appropriate song at the end as the extra thing but actually I saw this out of the corner of my eye and needed to be Deeply Unserious instead

This is. Not representative of the playlist I think. Good god

[vilebloodfae]

Long post cuz I'm having many bg3 thoughts I need to get out. I love the game, swiftly become one of my favourite games of all time, act 3 is a lil undercooked but I still enjoy it a lot. I also have a number of issues that are just, I don't dislike what we got but coming off of early access/paying attention to datamines back then I long for the game we could've had because it seems like I would've liked it more. Obvious spoilers ahead.

FIrst off, the tadpole. The tadpole should not have been gamified, there is no narrative weight to it anymore and the only punishment for embracing it is some sick ass black veins on your face, and actually becoming a Mind Flayer is just a dialogue option totally divorced from how you've used (or not used) them prior. Having it only progress with the story/how much you use it was way more interesting (+ all the class exclusive powers), and there's still traces of this in dialogue. Omeluum gives you the ring that he says will block the tadpole and all it does is make you immune to charm, vs in EA when it actually did block the tadpole powers and prevent it from progressing.

Alongside our tadpole was Daisy, now the Dream Guardian. I agree with the decision to make Dream Guardian not immediately come onto you, only doing it if you're into them, and that's all I like more than the alternative here. I really wish Daisy stayed as a manipulator, but Larian seems to have wanted to completely avoid any toxic PC relationships which is a shame. I would've found that far more compelling than the Emperor and his "our love transcends my tentacles". You still get pieces of it with him calling you his puppet if you're hostile to him, but it's not the toxic lust that leads to your downfall it was set to be. Also presumably the Emperor didn't exist before and it was just Orpheus and I did like what little of him we got so I will lament the fact he got sidelined.

Third and final major thing, the origins. Minsc should've been in act 1 as an origin and companion, I love him, him and Jaheira's story is one of my favorites but we almost had more of him and I wish we did because he does come too late. Also the Dark Urge, I love it it is peak but I wish they didn't just cut the Bhaal stuff from everyone else seemingly because of them. Cuz Tav had that same bloodlust in the Daisy dreams, and if you didn't recruit Shadowheart she wound up getting led to your camp by dreams that sound very much like the Durge dreams. We could've had Durge as the full Bhaalspawn option, and then everyone else getting influenced by Bhaal (or maybe even the other 2 of the Dead 3, and it could vary from companion to companion) but nope only Durge.

[alteredsilicone]

The Dark Urge : Act I

A long ramble about my Dark Urge playthrough, split up between acts since this game gets meaty.

This is my third playthrough so more or less I knew what I was getting into (had some durge story bits spoiled too).

When I set out to play durge I also wanted to do an "evil" playthrough, so I set some goals: embrace the "big" durge decisions, be evil when possible without going full murder-hobo. Ally with Gortash, dominate the Brain. Make SH a Dark Justiciar, ascend Astarion, romance Minthara, push Gale towards Godhood and help Lae'zel stay loyal to Vlaakith. The results were... varied.

Recruiting Minthara meant the tieflings had to die, so I indulged the durge by watching Arabella die. Surprisingly this way the game guilt trips you less about doing bad things. (The guilt tripping aspect I will bring up at the very end, after my Act III retrospective)

I quickly learned why durge x Astarion is a popular ship - he really jumps on you from the very beginning, a total 180 to how he treats Tav. Anyways, he wasn't my romance goal so I let him be. For a while.

Alfira is one of my favorites, but she had to go. Sorry. I know there is an alternative by making a different NPC appear but I wanted an authentic(tm) durge experience. Besides, Alfira would die in the grove massacre anyways, two birds with one stone and all.

Dream Guardian interlude - I made her look like my first version of Viri, so it's a Viriception.

Since I'm collecting all the "evil" choices, I also decided to indulge the tadpoles. Partly for achievements, partly to see how it works. Truth be told I didn't use the tadpole skills too much, so if I replay durge (I might do for certain different story outcomes), I will ignore the tadpoles altogether.

Sceleritas Fel was an excellent addition, obviously I humored and indulged him since I wanted to be papa's most specialest murderer.

As I was allying with the goblins I explored some stuff I didn't previously - got shackled up by Gut. Escaping her was quite easy, just had to avoid her afterwards. Then I rushed to Minthara.

I love Minthara's character a lot - she stayed in my party throughout the whole game. Needless to say, but I killed Karlach for Wyll (and stupidly didn't get his armor because I forgot to put him in my party, oh well), Wyll left me when I attacked the Grove (I assume he died offscreen or I killed him without noticing) and I never even met Halsin so he also just died offscreen.

I could also rant about the whole "evil playthrough cuts you from 20% of the content" aspect, but that is a tired rant. I don't mind the grove massacre being the price you pay for Minthara joining your party (she IS an evil character, she straight up agrees with all evil actions together with Astarion and is totally on board with dominating the Absolute and becoming rulers yourself), I just wish there was some alternative with playing on the more evil side.

Maybe befriend goblins? More drow? Anything, really? Then again, BG3 is already a massive game... Oh well, you can't have everything.

Anyways, now that I have done the first big quest, I went to the Underdark to try out one specific thing:

What happens if you sacrifice Gale to the fish people before Elminster stabilizes the orb?

He aggros, you kill him and then after two in-game days this happens:

Needless to say, I reloaded a save and just humored the fish people without killing Gale. Besides, for a corruption arc he needs to live. This is also why I only indulged the "big" durge reactions...

My personal philosophy is that being a murder-hobo is a boring way to be evil (death is not the worst thing that can happen y'know), I much rather would corrupt characters.

However, another part of me got curious about one thing: if you bite off Gale's hand when you find him in the portal, can you present it at the murder tribunal in Act 3?

Anyways.

Remember I said Astarion really gets the hots for durge? So, Minthara leaves for Moonrise so she isn't in my party at the moment this happens... durge decided to have some "fun".

This sequence was very corny, but I know it's all part of Astarion's play-pretend so I just let it play out. Spoiler alert - I will friendzone him later (for his own good).

I decided to feed durge the Noblestalk to get some memories/lore. I hoped for more but probably getting everything back in Act I would be anti-climatic, so this was a nice tidbit all the same. Also the environment bugged out, I should be in a dark dank cave, not outside.

Gale also decided he likes me. I promptly friendzoned him. Trust me, Galey, you do not want a romantic adventure with this tiefling (also he is soulbound to Nila, my other Tav, can't have him cheating on his wife...).

Anyways, Gale is a funny case because Larian keeps mucking up his romance flags, I couldn't replay his romance scene with my actual Galemancer Tav, but the romance does trigger later in Act I when you farm some approval (so either in the Underdark or Creche, depending which path you go on). But it also bugs out (I had to long rest twice with my Tav as the first time it triggered tiefling party dialogue before promptly cutting out, probably a bug because it was an old save where the romance SHOULD have triggered during the party).

Anyways, moving on. I am jumping over some zones/quests because nothing particularly interesting happened (I helped the Myconids but I do that always so that's that, though I let Glut die while fighting the Duergar, not on purpose he just got felted, sorry big guy).

Siding with this guy has exactly zero payoff (Act II spoiler - Balthazar turns him into a zombie and that's that), which is another evil run gripe. He is like Minthara where you can convince him to go against the Absolute, but instead it just goes nowhere apparently.

I just sided with him and suffered through killing a bunch of gnomes and Duergar. Well, at least I got some new scenes.

Astarion flirting interlude:

I put this here because the durge evil face is just so funny. These two would make a disaster pair, but, alas, we in this house are women-loving-women.

So, remember me setting out to push Lae'zel towards loyalty to Vlaakith?

I went as far as to stab the Dream Guardian...

Obviously I should have known better, because the Guardian has plot-armor for obvious reasons. This game kinda sorta railroads you to go against Vlaakith/side with the Guardian. Otherwise the game would just end for obvious reasons... So I decided that I might just shelve Lae'zel along the way.

Maybe I should have made some other decisions in later acts (like killing Voss), but I had my companion-squad already with me, so I decided to let it go.

And that concludes a "brief" overview of durge Act I:

[prynnehesters]

i finished my evil durge and im taking a break from bg3 to hopefully get a job/play other games

so like...i did redo the orin battle cuz it gave me failed durge where i didn't get bhaal's blessing and i became a failure and i was basically gonna go feral after my tadpole was removed so i just went "fuck it" and went to kill orin and got his blessing

tbh, having the slayer form made the game infinitely easier but the ending disappointed me

minthara's romance is not that exciting past the insane sex scene you get in act 1. you share some moments, but it's not as satisfying as the other two i fully did. you don't really get full on scenes. picking the origin companions is better. at least w halsin, he is poly and he doesn't feel tacked on in the end. and i did take him a few places. i should've stayed w lae'zel :((( i did get her second romance scene and that was nutso tbh

i ascended astarion and i kind of want to have a split thing in my next playthru bcuz i hear the sex scene is nuts (and you can kick him in the balls). nuts in like, halestorm lyrics lol

i also helped shadowheart w her shar stuff

and then we went to control the brain and i had like 3 summons and was able to clear the overwhelming area no problem and then deal w the brain

you get so many ways to redeem the dark urge and it's wild. like you can be awful and then get rid of your urge like nothing happened. or you can embrace it, then defy bhaal and kill yourself. you take over in bhaal's name. or you destroy the brain and then deal w bhaal, kill yourself, or sentence yourself to prison. you do not see any of the character's 6 months "where are they now". the best you get is a scene of you w orin's weapon making creepy noises and watching from afar, as you're just a monster who craves blood at this point

but like, i think the times you get to redeem durge is like, you don't kill anyone every time you are asked and just deal w orin as yourself (rip)

idk i might play resist durge in the future but im just gonna play my next lil playthru and have my goolock romance astarion and see how that goes lol

i also saw this list of romance from most explicit to most chaste and it made sense but i was kind of surprised by some. i think the order was minthara, halsin, karlach, gale, lae'zel, ascended astarion, shadowheart, astarion, and wyll. and i guess it makes sense if you take it bit by bit

minthara has her one crazy scene and then you just have a few campfire chats (and you only get the crazy scene if you're off the bat evil already and she's also under the influence of the tadpole so uh...)

halsin comes later and it's fun. imo not that crazy. but you get one. and also you can bring him w you to sleep w prostitutes

karlach you get 2 spicy scenes, but that comes after not being able to touch her. which is, well deserved

gale you get one nutso spicy scene (if you choose, it can be subdued if you want to), and then a lot of kisses

lae'zel i know you get her first fighting over who is the dom in the scenario and then you get the fight to the death but it gets tamer after that (which makes sense, as she does warm up to you). you also do have sexcapades with her

shadowheart i've heard it ends in a spicy scene (but like, wyll, wholesome spicy) and if you help her become a dark justiciar your romance kind of...ends

i know astarion starts off spicy with sexcapades and you letting him bite you during sex, but it kind of gets subdued over time bcuz he starts to trust you, until the end where i think you have freaky vampire sex if you let him ascend and less freaky vamp spawn sex if you don't (? dont quote me on that...). but tbh it makes sense w his history :(

and wyll...is wholesome and gentlemanly. he basically just gives you a few kisses and then sleeps w you at the end when he shows you around what he did when he was a kid in baldur's gate. also i've heard marrying him is cute too

idk man if this says anything, im a freak first and foremost lmaoooo (first playthru i slept w lae'zel, gale and the emperor and (almost) haarlep. second playthru i slept w karlach, halsin, the drow prostitutes, mizora (wyll disapproved), astarion briefly, and kissed wyll. evil durge just lae'zel and minthara (although surprisingly...gale tried...again. my second playthru after the druid/tiefling party everyone wanted me except astarion wyll and halsin lmaooo...although i got wyll's second romance scene in act 2 so...)

im too naughty for this lmaoo

[xanfeursel]

for the dark urge ask game, 1 10 11 21 for lophi and 6 7 21 30 for vyper?

HAHA... YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for this ask game

lophi questions:

1. What circumstances led to your Dark Urge becoming their Class/Subclass?

so, lophi's a bard, and i have this tied very much into her durge-isms. music was something she was always very passionate about as a child, and her first violin was a gift her foster parents had worked very hard for her to get. however it seemed that bad luck would follow her whenever she'd play, as much as she adored to. at first it was inconsequential things, like things falling or breaking while she'd practice.

until that eventually evolved into her music causing others to get violent, almost as if she was puppeteering them to cause their own demise, if that makes sense. like a fucked up pied piper. essentially what i'd assume bhaal's version of a bard would be. as she grew older and fit into her role as a bhaalspawn this would be a skill she'd learn to harness much more carefully, often posing as a humble street performer who'd be the single onlooker of episodes of mass hysteria around baldur's gate. something like that :-)

she also ends up as a college of swords bard, if only so that she can still cause some bloodshed by her own hands.

(putting the rest under a cut because otherwise this post would end up long LOL)

10. What motivates your Dark Urge to either embrace or resist the tadpole? 11. What motivates your Dark Urge to either embrace or resist the Urge?

answering both of these because they both play into the same element of lophi's character-- her need for control over herself. she doesn't even dislike the idea of killing, she just wants to be certain what she does is out of *her* own accord. not some dream visitor's, not some voice in her head telling her to kill.

she may not know much about her own self, but she knows enough that she doesn't like feeling like she's only serving as someone's puppet.

21. What are 2-3 songs that your Dark Urge would relate to?

LOVE THIS QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! using it as an excuse to share songs from her playlist. and share the lyrics that relate to her as well

Marionette - Scarlet Room

In a quiet heart Of a quiet wooden girl There's an imaginary box But it screams I am so sick of this world It owns me I am so sick of this world And she sings

2007 - You Love Her Coz She's Dead

Bang, bang goes a bullet to my head But it's already been eighteen minutes since I've realized I was dead Yeah, okay, so I've made a few mistakes in my life But I never knew they'd force me to pay such a heavy price

Flight of the Crows - Jharia

Well, I think that I've gotta go, and I don't know why But I need you to promise that you won't cry 'Cause you'll be fine, and so will I So just let me out of your mind In the morning you'll learn I disappeared off into the night so quietly That your love for me will vanish too

vyper questions:

How does your Dark Urge react to waking up with memory loss?

god. he's like a lost dog. he's desperate to find answers and just some sliver of familiarity. he believes himself to be a paladin, and plays the role of one as such, but he doesn't even know what god he was devoted to, if he ever had any. this was a whole thing for vyper especially in act one. it's why i like to think he had some form of admiration for shadowheart before really learning about what being a shar follower entails. he admires how strong her faith is despite being in a somewhat similar position to his own.

Did your Dark Urge recall any childhood memories? If yes, how do they feel about the revelations? If no, was it by choice or lack of options?

i think he gets the odd feeling of deja vu, but never anything concrete. it eats him up inside. he wishes he could recall Something, as he does with his memories just in general, though sometimes he thinks if theyre ever worth recalling at all with the image he's built up of who he once was. it's rough!

What are 2-3 songs that your Dark Urge would relate to?

another excuse for me to share playlist music... teehee ^_^

Howl - Florence + The Machine

A man who's pure of heart and says his prayers by night May still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright If you could only see the beast you've made of me I held it in, but now it seems you've set it running free The saints can't help me now, the ropes have been unbound I hunt for you with bloody feet across the hallowed ground

Animals - Stomach Book

Pray for a change A cocoon about to break But now, you feel strange And the wings started to take shape Eat and then die All your siblings cast aside, too See with new eyes A world ready to despise you

Futura - Vylet Pony

Is it so sinister to draw blood for it? The future is now, the torch is lit Can it all fall in so neatly? Can we coexist? How can I have faith that no flower will be missed?

What are your Dark Urge’s intentions/goals after the end of the game?

i'm still midway thru act 3 with vyper, so i'm still brainstorming ideas in my mind... i plan for him to re-awaken his oath when he finally breaks away from bhaal though, or perhaps take an oath of devotion instead. something along those lines.

he wants to be able to give this whole paladin thing a real shot, and turn his craving for violence that, while a lot quieter now- i don't think ever permanently goes away, into something more constructive for himself.

he learns that he does not have to atone for the pain he's caused, but rather make a new better way for himself.

AND THATS EVERYTHING... I THINK . THANK U SO MACH FOR ALL THESE QUESTIONS