#but yeah rivers can keep her streaming schedule and still come to hang out with her egg kid when she's able

[svtskneecaps]

i'm mourning the loss of purgatory's Government Assigned Team Dynamics (because i'm a sucker for shaking up dynamics and the forced interactions of people who may not otherwise have spoken) so please indulge me with your dream egg parenting group i'll start, bagi tina and rivers [i'm right]

[keefwho]

October 27 - 2023 Friday

8:55am

I'm ready to be different, I'm ready to change SOMETHING. Constantly expressing myself feels like it but I want to think of a way to remind myself to do it or ways to practice it. It's weird though because it feels like a completely internal process. Something about the way I'm thinking just isn't letting me repress anything right now. It's easy to let things like that slip though, I'd rather have a physically grounded way to retain what I'm doing right now.

The best way I can describe what is happening is I'm letting my feelings flow like a river or something. They just come and go. If I think of things that hurt me, I let it hurt and it moves on. I know this is working because the deep feeling of dread I felt at almost all times isn't really there and I'm actually able to focus on and appreciate other things I'm doing. That felt impossible before.

8:29pm

God damnit, I was gonna join my friend Ena for Space Rangers tonight but she wasn't on so someone else was hosting and it was a game night that I didn't wanna do so I left. I joined this nanachi creator's birthday party who I don't even like but a lot of people recognized me there. I decided to wear my nanachi for the night which was a mistake because all I could think about was the time when I actually used it and how much energy I put into someone who took me for granted and didn't respect my feelings. As much as I wanted to imagine myself socializing tonight, I wasn't able to keep up the act and left. Maybe I'll get back on for the party because it was popping off but only if I can let myself feel this damned misery and move past it. I kinda also wanted to make a new avatar but fashion design is not my strong suit. I want to make a skater/punk girl outfit for my otter again.

If I get back on to hang out I'll have to find someone to bind to and be their support for the night. Thats how I used to make friends in the past. I have to find someone I actually sort of like in a way to talk to but thats pretty hard. I judge people too harshly.

9:28pm

Yeah, I wish I was talking to Daisy tonight. She's my favorite. It's okay to feel that way, it's an expression of my affection. It's okay to feel a little sad that I'm not. I can still find something else to do and enjoy my night. I am my own person. And I'm happy she's attending the con because I know she loves the socialization. It's okay that I feel just a little lost. There are things I can think of I'd like to be doing but don't necessarily have the energy for. Right now I'm watching Twitch and I'm content. Maybe I'll get back on VRchat but maybe not.

12:36am

Today's breakfast was the same as yesterday with the addition of a pear cup. I also slept in for an hour on purpose because I felt tired enough, I think it was a good decision. I decided not to stream and put together a different schedule today to try and get everything done. I did most of what I had to do which is good given the circumstances. I did Inktober and today's commission in David's server. Someone in there makes this "tsk" noise with is mouth nearly every sentence and it really got on my nerves. I left when work was done to do my workout which I completed in full. I think workouts have been hard lately due to slight lack of sleep because I didn't have trouble today. Lunch was a fantastic tuna melt with some cereal. I cleaned up afterwards and then completed the picture of Daisy's rats for her and another idea of mine plus some sketching. With work done I took a little break before VR time. I took a very tiny hit to compliment the drink I was having. Like I said before, VR was a bust and I ended up getting off to do a little avatar work and watch Twitch which was chill enough. For some reason at about midnight when I should have been in bed, I decided to ass blast myself with my lovense. I was too drunk to enjoy it which is almost always the case. Nutting just isn't that great drunk.

I've been thinking a lot about certain things I still have to figure out exactly what I think/want to happen. Ultimately I need something to change either internally or externally. But the most important thing for me right now is to keep letting my feelings out.

[ailaxlimjaebeom-blog]

                                       “YOU HAVE TO STAY WELL”

                   My heart is beating fast. It kept beating fast as I ran outside to get some fresh air. The weather looks nice today that I decided to buy some flowers. It’s a very special day for me. It’s been three weeks since I last spent time with my girlfriend, Jasmine. Today marks our 300th day together. Ever since I met her, I knew she was the one for me. I’m not the type to act or talk so cheesy but, with her, it’s different. I keep thinking about her long, brown hair, her beautiful brown skin and her very bright smile. Man, there are so many things about her that I love that really takes my breath away. Once I arrived at the flower shop, I took out my mask and bucket hat, immediately disguising myself. However, some people still recognized me because of my hat .I guess I shouldn’t have worn this hat too much but, what’s done is done. Anyway, since I was in a rush to meet her, I took the best bouquet of white roses since those are her favorite, paid for them and immediately left. Once I got back to my dorm, I looked at the perfect bouquet of white roses for her and took in a long sniff.. they smelled so good.. like her. As I took off my clothes and proceeded to shower, I suddenly wanted to reminisce the time that I met her.

               Jasmine and I met through Mark when we were in LA. She was Mark’s neighbor and friend but it felt really awkward at first because she didn’t know who GOT7 was and I don’t think she was interested in KPOP as well. To be honest, I found her to be really cute since she was kind of short but it also made her adorable. We didn’t really have anything to say to each other so after we said our hellos, everything went silent. The kids even thought it was funny. One of the funniest and most awkward encounter I had with her was we were in a mall eating with the other members when Yugyeom said something funny while she was drinking so when she laughed, she accidentally spat the juice in her mouth at Jinyoung. He actually didn’t know what to say but he was side eyeing her the whole time after that. Haha. Since we spent a few more days in LA, we got to hung out with her, exchange social media info although I don’t even have that. During the time I was there, I got to hang out with her too. I felt find of shy since it’s been a long time since I showed any interest in a girl. I didn’t even realize that I liked her too much that I made a secret line account just to get to communicate with her. She barely spoke Korean but, I’ll try my best to impress her. When it was time for me to go back to Korea, we still both kept in contact through SNS. She’s actually a fun person and has a good sense of humor. She told me that she started to check out our music although what she has been sending me were NG shots which were pretty funny.

                 Fast forward as to how we became a couple, it was because Jasmine went to Korea for vacation. Since she and I became close through SNS, I was the one who gave her a quick tour around the city. I was honestly busy but since she’s the girl that I like, I want to be with her while I can still see her. She’s really amazing. We walked around Han River and enjoyed each other’s company since it was already nightfall. As we were sitting down on a bench, relaxing our feet, I actually didn’t know what went through my mind when I suddenly took my mask off and leaned toward kiss her. I guess I couldn’t help myself since I missed her a lot and I don’t want her to leave without knowing what was in my heart. After our lips parted ways, she looked at me; I can see that she was surprised. I was expecting to be slapped or her to be angry at me but she giggled. Yes. Giggle. I was quite taken aback but to see her brighten up in front of me made me really happy. I then started to confess. “Jasmine-ssi, I don’t know how to say this but, I like you. I like you to the point where I want to date you. Will you give me a chance? “. When I said those words, I prepared myself to be rejected but no, she hugged me and said “Yes. You’re not going to jump off a building like in haji hajima, right?”… aigoo. I don’t even know what to say. On our first date, we went to Seoul Forest in Subway Bundang Line. I can still remember the outfit she wore. She’s a casual person so I like that she doesn’t try to stand out in the crowd although in my eyes, she stands out the most. We had a picnic there and talked about a lot of things. After eating, we relaxed in under the trees before I took her to the dorm to introduce her to my cats, especially Nora. They were shy at first but they slowly warmed up to her. It was honestly so cute that I took some photos of that encounter but I’m not gonna show you. Hehe. I noticed that she doesn’t like showing too much affection in public but when I took her home, she willingly kissed me on the cheek. Hehe. That made me really happy. We went to a couple of more dates before she went back to LA. I suddenly remembered those photos of mine talking to someone on the phone were uploaded on the internet, I was actually talking to Jasmine then. I love how she always makes time for me. Despite the slight language barrier, the long distance and opposite time differences, we both stayed strong. That’s why when she decided to move here in Korea, I was very happy. She moved in to a place near my dorm so it’s easier for us to see each other when we’re both not busy. I felt like I was the luckiest man on earth.

                  So back to the present, I wore the blue, branded shirt she gave me and jeans. I really wanted to look handsome for her on our special day. We agreed to meet at the place where I confessed my feelings for her. I started to rush to my car since I kept thinking that I didn’t want to be late. Driving towards that place, I felt so much happiness. When I arrived, I parked the car and took the bouquet of white roses into my hands. When I went to the exact same spot where I confessed, I saw her standing here, her hair being gently blown by the cool breeze. I approach her and hug her from behind. I asked her if she waited for a long time. She said no which made me feel relieved. I then give her the white roses she loves. But, I suddenly notice something’s off. I look into her eyes and caress her cheek, asking her if there’s something wrong. She said it was nothing so I showed her some aegyo to make her smile a little but all I heard was…

“Jae Beom, let’s break up.”

….I… Did…Did I hear correct? The love of my life wants to break up with me? I shook my head and breathed in deep. I asked her if what I heard is correct and that she’s breaking up with me and she said it was. I couldn’t believe it. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind such as “why? What happened? Did I make a mistake? Did I not do well as a boyfriend?”. I then asked her if it’s because she loves someone else. She said “No. But, I just don’t think this relationship can work anymore.” I told her that her reason was bullshit. We both love each other, how can our relationship not work?! I suddenly felt my heart beat faster. I don’t even know what to feel or what to say. All I can feel is the pain in my chest. I was too shocked that I didn’t realize that tears were streaming down my face. I’m a guy, I shouldn’t cry. But I just can’t accept that the person I love wants to leave me.

“Jae Beom, to be honest, the reason why I want to break-up is because I think your career will soar higher if the thing they called dating rumors would just die. Nothing you say or do can make change my mind. I have been thinking about this for the past month. I just don’t have the heart to tell you. You’re a nice guy, Jae Beom. But, I don’t think I love you enough to sacrifice everything I have for you unlike who I was before.“

                 When she said those words, I quickly took her hands and kissed them. “Jasmine, don’t do this, please. I love you so much. We can still talk about this! Why did you decide without confronting me at first?! You’re unfair, you know that!” I didn’t mean to shout at her but all I heard was nothing. Just pure silence from her. I then take a few steps backwards. I then watch her put the roses on top of the bench, and then she turned around to walk away from me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just don’t get it. Where did I lack? I mean yeah, I know I’m an idol. I go home late, I sometimes may reply late, in short, I mostly do things late because of my schedule. But never did I once made her feel like she was last. After that, I still kept texting her as if nothing happened. But I never got any reply nor an answer when I called. When I went to her apartment, I knocked for how many times but she’s never home. If only Jasmine knew how much pain I’m feeling right now. I’d give anything for her to come back to me.

                  A month passed by and still, I haven’t heard anything from her, I haven’t been sleeping nor eating. The members are quite concerned already but I’m just in too much pain to eat. Whenever I close my eyes, I can’t help but remember the times we held each other’s hands, hugged each other, and kissed each other. Every memory is now painful than ever. I was about to head outside to buy something to drink when Mark called me, I looked at him and he gently hands me his phone.

“It’s Jasmine.”

         Upon hearing her name, I immediately took the call.

“Annyeong Jae Beom. How are you? I know that was such a foolish question to ask.”

          I quickly asked her where she was and why hasn’t she responded to my messages.

“I’m sorry, Jae Beom. I am now back in LA. I didn’t tell you because I know you’d try to stop me. Listen, I’m sorry we had to end our relationship, I did love you and I didn’t want to be in your way anymore—“

           I cut her sentence and told her she never was in my way. I knew she always respected my decisions and never touched my work unless I asked for her opinion about it.

“JAE BEOM. LISTEN FIRST. That’s not just the reason. I’m also tired of feeling like I’m not important to you anymore. If I were to count the times that you’d been in events which I invited you to, I can count them in one hand. I guess it’s my fault too because I allowed you to spoil me. I understand that you’re a celebrity and all, but, couldn’t you have squeezed in just a little bit of your time for me? I know this sounds childish but those were some of the reasons why I fell out of love for you. I’m so sorry, Jae Beom. I just wanted to give you a closure so that everything will be clear for you. I know you have a tendency to keep thinking about things. Well, anyway, always remember to take care of yourself and the members too. Eat healthy and stay hydrated. Goodbye, Jae Beom.”

              When she bid me goodbye, those were her last words before she hung up. Hearing all those words, I didn’t even know that I was hurting her already. But what really bothered me was that after talking to her, I felt a bit relieved, as if she answered all those questions that bothered me for a month. I know that even though Jasmine and I were not meant for each other, she still gave me a piece of her heart, which meant she cared for me… but not anymore.

FIN

[newstfionline]

Headlines

The stimulus effect (NYT) The United States went into the Great Lockdown with the most household debt in history, stagnant incomes for all but high earners and armies of people telling pollsters they were living paycheck to paycheck. Then, for millions, their paychecks stopped. But instead of a stampede to the bankruptcy courts, personal bankruptcy filings—a useful, if extreme, indicator of the financial health of the American consumer—dropped sharply from April through June, even as unemployment soared. One reason for this counterintuitive picture: The federal government’s stimulus package, which, beginning in April, has put cash into unemployed people’s hands on a weekly basis, allowing them not just to buy groceries and pay rent, but to pay down existing debt.​

Facing uncertain fall, schools make flexible reopening plans (AP) Administrators in the Parkway school district in suburban St. Louis spent the summer break crafting a flexible reopening plan, with options that include full-time classroom learning, full-time online instruction and a hybrid system. It’s a good thing because the dangers of the coronavirus are so uncertain that district officials are reluctant to make predictions about the fall semester, which begins in only five weeks. Confirmed coronavirus infections in Missouri’s hardest-hit city waned in June, but they are now spiking, along with hospitalizations. Schools plan to resume classes Aug. 24. “If you had asked me even two weeks ago, ‘Do you think we would be able to come back?’ I would have said, ‘Yeah,’” Assistant Superintendent Kevin Beckner said. “Today my answer is ‘I’m not sure,’ just because of how the situation has changed so quickly.” Schools around the U.S. face the same dilemma. With the number of reported COVID-19 cases and deaths still rising, districts must grapple with whether to bring students back to classrooms, and how to keep pupils and teachers safe if they do.

Vulnerable Border Community Battles Virus (NYT) On a sweltering day last week near the southern tip of Texas, where high rates of poverty and chronic illness have heightened the ferocity of the coronavirus, Dr. Renzo Arauco Brown made his rounds, checking on patients who were facing severe complications from the virus and barely hanging on to life. The now-chaotic special infectious disease unit where he works has been clobbered with new admissions in recent weeks. As the coronavirus expands its destructive path across the United States, it is bearing down on some of the places most vulnerable to its devastation—places like the southernmost wedge of Texas, on the border with Mexico, which has seen a punishing surge in infections. In the Rio Grande Valley, more than a third of families live in poverty. Up to half of residents have no health insurance, including at least 100,000 undocumented people, who often rely on under-resourced community clinics or emergency rooms for care. Tick off the list of risk factors for developing severe complications from the virus and you will have described this margin of the country: More than 60 percent of residents are diabetic or prediabetic. The rates of obesity and heart disease are among the nation’s highest. More than 90 percent of the population is Latino, a group that is dying from the virus at higher rates than white Americans are.

Mexican president sticks to no-war approach after shocking cartel video (Reuters) Mexican President Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador said on Monday he would maintain a less confrontational approach to battling drug gangs even after one of Mexico’s most powerful cartels showcased its firepower in a video that stunned Mexicans. A video purportedly shot by the Jalisco New Generation Cartel (CJNG), showing dozens of armed gang members in bullet proof vests in front of armored cars painted in military-style camouflage, went viral on social media on Friday. Lopez Obrador said he would not repeat the mistakes of previous administrations that failed to contain cartel violence, which surged after former President Felipe Calderon launched a military-led crackdown on the gangs in late 2006. “Violence cannot be confronted with violence, fire cannot be extinguished with fire, evil cannot be confronted with evil,” he said. “Evil must be confronted with good.” Lopez Obrador said his government would face down gangs with intelligence rather than force, focusing on poverty and other root causes of crime.

Insults, slammed fists: EU virus summit goes into 4th day (AP) Weary and bleary, European Union leaders were gearing up Monday for a fourth day of fighting over an unprecedented 1.85 trillion-euro ($2.1 trillion) EU budget and coronavirus recovery fund, barely recovered from a weekend of walkouts, fists slamming into tables and insults. “It looks more hopeful than when I thought during the night: ‘It’s over,’” said Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte, the target of much of the criticism. It was planned as a two-day summit scheduled to have ended Saturday, but there are deep ideological differences between the 27 leaders forced the talks into two extra days. Rutte, defending the cause of a group of five wealthy northern nations—the Netherlands, Austria, Finland, Sweden and Denmark—sought to limit costs and impose strict reform guarantees. He came under criticism from Macron, Italy and Hungary, whose Prime Minister Viktor Orban asked why the Dutchman had such “hate” toward him.

‘Selfless’ Bedford faith group hands out thousands of meals (BBC) A faith group that has made more than more than 18,000 meals for key workers during the coronavirus pandemic has been praised as “selfless”. The Sri Guru Ravidass Sabha group in Bedford started cooking for NHS, police, and care home staff in April. It has now stopped making dinners for key workers, but will continue to cook for homeless and vulnerable people. Group president Jaswinder Kumar, who is a full-time postman, said his team of 10 volunteers “have done a fantastic job, but we didn’t think we would be doing it for so long”. “We have all got a little bit tired, but you get excited when you can help others,” he said.

India Rounds Up Critics Under Shadow of Virus Crisis, Activists Say (NYT) After spending several anxious days in prison, Natasha Narwal, a student activist accused of rioting by the New Delhi police, thought her ordeal was nearing an end. A judge ruled that Ms. Narwal had been exercising her democratic rights when she participated in protests earlier this year against a divisive citizenship law that incited unrest across India. But shortly after the judge approved Ms. Narwal’s release in late May, the police announced fresh charges: murder, terrorism and organizing protests that instigated deadly religious violence in India’s capital. Ms. Narwal, 32, who has said that she is innocent, was returned to her cell. As India struggles to quell surging coronavirus infections, lawyers accuse the authorities of rounding up government critics and keeping them in detention in the middle of a pandemic. It is part of a strategy, they say, to stifle activists who are protesting what they see as iron-fisted and anti-minority policies under Prime Minister Narendra Modi. In recent weeks, Ms. Narwal and nearly a dozen other prominent activists—along with potentially dozens of other demonstrators, though police records are unclear—have been detained. They are being held under stringent sedition and antiterrorism laws that have been used to criminalize everything from leading rallies to posting political messages on social media. Law enforcement officials in New Delhi, who are under the direct control of India’s home ministry, have denied any impropriety. But rights groups say the arrests have been arbitrary, based on scant evidence and in line with a broader deterioration of free speech in India.

Flooding in Asia (Foreign Policy) Nearly four million people in Nepal and India’s northeastern state of Assam have been displaced by heavy flooding caused by monsoon rains. Officials on Sunday said that 189 have died so far in the flooding, caused by an overflowing Brahmaputra River. “The flood situation remains critical with most of the rivers flowing menacingly above the danger mark,” Assam Water Resources Minister Keshab Mahanta told Reuters. In China, authorities dynamited a dam on the Chu river, a tributary of the Yangtze, in an attempt to lower water levels swollen by heavy rainfall. The rains have caused 1.8 million people in the country’s central and southern regions to be evacuated so far.

Hong Kong leader says coronavirus now spreading ‘out of control’ (AFP) The deadly coronavirus is spreading out of control in Hong Kong with a record 100 new cases confirmed, the finance hub’s leader said Sunday as she tightened social distancing measures to tackle the sudden surge in infections. The finance hub was one of the first places to be struck by the virus when it emerged from central China. But the city had impressive success in tackling the disease, all but ending local transmissions by late June. However, in the last two weeks, infections have spiked once more and doctors fear the new outbreak is now spreading undetected in the densely packed territory of 7.5 million people.

COVID-19 moves South Korea's mud festival online (Reuters) When a pandemic threatens a good romp in the mud, some South Koreans bring the mud home with them instead. The popular Boryeong Mud Festival, halted this year because of COVID-19, instead became an online celebration of soil, with people from around the country enjoying mud pools and mud packs in their homes—and streaming the dirty results. The annual mud extravaganza, in Boryeong on the coast 130 km (80 miles) southwest of the capital Seoul, is South Korea’s most popular festival for international visitors. They typically flock to the beach in their hundreds for mud slides, mud wrestling and other revelry. Boryeong launched the festival on Daecheon Beach in 1998 to rejuvenate a local economy hit by the Asian financial crisis. The event promoted mud-based cosmetics said to be good for the skin—turning what is known as a dirty beach into one of South Korea’s biggest tourist attractions.

The lights go out on Lebanon’s economy as financial collapse accelerates (Washington Post) Most parts of Lebanon are receiving no more than two or three hours of electricity a day. An incoming flight at Beirut’s airport had to abort a landing this month because the lights on the runway went out. The traffic signals in the capital have stopped working, adding to the congestion on Beirut’s already chaotic streets. These are among the latest symptoms of an economic implosion that is accelerating at an alarming pace in Lebanon as its government, its banks and its citizens run out of foreign currency simultaneously. The collapse is the result of decades of economic mismanagement, corruption and overspending. Hopes for a rescue are fading as the country’s ruling elites balk at the kind of reforms and outside scrutiny that would unlock international aid. Talks with the International Monetary Fund to secure a $10 billion loan have stalled. Known as an oasis of prosperity and relative stability during the past decade of Middle East turmoil, Lebanon is descending into poverty, despair and potentially chaos. Economists are now predicting a Venezuela-style collapse, with acute shortages of essential products and services, runaway inflation and rising lawlessness—in a country at the heart of an already unstable region.

Egypt parliament backs deployment abroad after Sisi says could intervene in Libya (Reuters) Egypt’s parliament on Monday approved the deployment of armed forces abroad to fight “criminal militias” and “foreign terrorist groups” on a “western front”, after President Abdel-Fattah al-Sisi said Cairo could intervene in Libya. The decision came after Sisi said last week that Egypt would not stand idle if there was threat to national security in Egypt and its western neighbour, Libya, if parliament gave its approval. Shortly beforehand the Egyptian presidency said Sisi had agreed with U.S. President Donald Trump to maintain a ceasefire in Libya and avoid any escalation.

Home learning, reopening schools especially hard in Africa (AP) Lessons via radio or TV. Math problems in newspapers. Classes on Zoom or WhatsApp. The options for African students to keep studying while schools remain closed because of the coronavirus pandemic seem varied, but the reality for many is that they will fall behind and possibly drop out of school forever—worsening inequality on an already unequal continent. “I think education now is more of an emergency than the health issue,” said Dr. Mary Goretti Nakabugo, a literacy expert who runs a Uganda-based education nonprofit called Uwezo, noting that there have been no reported virus deaths and just over 1,000 cases in Uganda. Children “are completely helpless at the moment.” Although the pandemic has disrupted education across the globe, the schooling crisis is more acute in Africa, where up to 80% of students don’t have access to the internet and even electricity can be unreliable, making distance learning difficult, if not impossible. Schools also often provide a refuge to vulnerable children, offering services that their families cannot afford.