#but yeah idk my bday'll be over by the time I post this so maybe I'll revisit these feelings again next year
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#it's been a while since I've made a post#this just me venting to try and sort my thoughts and feelings#started wondering when and why I started feeling this way about my birthday#maybe it's the depression#it has been eating at me more than usual lately (read this past year or so)#but idk I feel like I don't deserve to be celebrated#it feels like a constant reminder how useless/worthless/much of a disappointment I am#I'm sure the people around me don't really feel that way about me (at least not to the degree I feel about myself)#it doesn't really feel worth it to talk about#it doesn't make me feel better it doesn't make other people feel better hearing it#especially when it's pretty much the same thing over and over and over#it certainly doesn't help solve anything#idk#I promised I'd say when something is bothering me but like#it just feels pointless#I'll try and make up for it later#on the plus side I learned I share (I think) a bday with one of my fav mutuals that I've never talked to as far as I recall so there's that#I can celebrate that instead#hooray for parasocial(?) relationships#but yeah idk my bday'll be over by the time I post this so maybe I'll revisit these feelings again next year#maybe I'll be able to articulate this whole whatever the fuck better by then too
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