#but ye my guy regularly has a stupid smile when he hears people being mad about something he did

[lillian-nator]

I haveth returned to redeem myself: Tommy is anxious abt Phil being mad at him for sneaking out again, but he decides to text techno bc he and Tubbo needs picked up and they're very cold, Techno, realising he prob should be mad but not being mad after seeing Tommy and Tubbo just waiting for him and laughing and joking instead he just sighs and asks what stupid things Dream did at the party once they get in the car (blackmail purposes obviously) and just settles for seeing Tommy light up and tell him how Dream fell down the stairs, at least his brother is having fun, techno says to himself - 💙 (Tommy totally got made to clean technos room as thanks for not ratting him out)

Blue, you are my lord and savior. I have to answer your other ask after this - I don’t give you enough credit Blue. 

SO, Tommy keeps sneaking out because he can. He has only been caught two times. The one time he was high. And the time Techno caught him. 

All three of his brothers couldn’t imagine how much Tommy sneaks out, and then helps Tubbo out of his own window - I mean, Tommy probably learned how to pick locks at one point just because he can. They would never know that in the night, most of the time, Tommy is out and about, exploring abandoned buildings or chilling throughout the town. 

One of Tommy’s favorite activities to do when out at night is house hopping. It’s something that Punz came up with, where, usually Dream, sneaks out of their house, and then sneaks into somebody else’s. Then those two people sneak into another person’s house, and then the three of them go to the next. Everyone has to text the ‘gang’ to see who is awake and down for the game first, but it usually ends up with a good 7 - 9 kids just sneaking around at night, laughing their heads off when Ponk gets stuck in his window again. They end up stealing snacks from each respective house, and then going to chill in Dream’s house, because he has a soundproof room. 

Sometimes they bring scooters and skateboards too, which is always fun. George always seems to have a few spare scooters around for people who need them, and Tommy borrows Dream’s extra skateboard - a skill he picked up very fast with the help of Karl. 

We’re getting off topic here, the night that Tommy called Techno, he was at another one of Dream’s infamous parties. 

How Technoblade and Wilbur got cut out of the loop when the entire Senior and Junior class was invited to this party is unknown - but Tommy damn well knows that he asked Dream to keep it away from his brother’s circles. It wasn’t only him that would be affected, but Tubbo too since Eret is one of Wilbur’s closest friends. Hell, if either of his brothers caught wind of the party, Purpled probably wouldn’t be able to make it. Technoblade has his ways. 

So, it was very late at night. Maybe 2 or 3 - or maybe even 4 in the morning. It was cold. So fucking cold outside. Cold enough that he knew that he wouldn’t make it trying to walk all the way home. 

Purpled had already gone home, his house only down the block, but Tommy and Tubbo were stuck waiting outside. 

Tommy knew that Dream would let them stay the night. He knew that. George and Karl were sure to stay over. He thought he saw Quackity passed out on the couch next to Punz - and Tommy wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw SapNap sleeping in Dream’s room when he headed out the door. 

It’s not that Tommy didn’t have a place to stay. It’s that if he stayed here, he would have to admit to Phil, Wilbur, and Techno that he snuck out. And Tubbo, who was in a similar situation to him, would have to admit that he was sneaking out to his brother, Eret. 

Tommy did know one person who he could call - who was definitely sober enough to drive, unlike the teens in Dream’s living room - that might not tell on him, and who was the only person he knew that would be up this late in the morning. 

And honestly, a maybe, in that moment, was enough for Tommy to call. 

When Technoblade first received a call from Tommy, he was confused. 

Techno was sat in his bed, computer on his lap, deep in his English Essay, when Tommy called him. Confused, he picked up, what could Tommy want that he couldn’t have come two doors down for? 

“Techno?” Tommy asked and shuddered. There were cars behind him. 

“Where are you Toms?” Techno grunted, he knew for sure that Tommy was not in his bedroom. “Did you get stuck the roof again?” 

“Yeah.” Tommy laughed, sounding drunk off of his tiredness, but Techno knew that Tommy wouldn’t be able to speak if he was actually drunk, he was there the one time Tommy drank. “About that.” 

“You snuck out again didn’t you.” Techno groaned, why couldn’t Tommy just do what he was asked for once?

“You know me so well Technoblade!” Tommy cheered his tone dripping with sarcasm. “We are at Dreams. He had a big party - woo hoo. Can you come pick us up?” 

“Who is us?” Techno asked, intrigued, but slowly getting out of his bed.

“Me and Tubs. It’s cold Techno, can you please come pick us up?” He could hear the desperation in the blonde’s voice. 

“Yeah.” Techno sighed. “I’ll be there in 5.” 

Driving there was a debate. Techno was arguing whether or not he should tell Phil. On one hand, his 15-year-old brother was consistently sneaking out until ungodly hours of the morning, to go to parties and other stupid shit. Shit that should probably be stopped by Phil. On the other hand it was great blackmail material and -  

He looked out his window, to see the two boys on the stairs. Laughing their asses off. A fond smile played on his lips as Tommy seemingly doubled over in laughter, rolling on the ground. 

“Tommy get out of the grass, you’re gonna stain your fucking jeans.” Techno snorted  at the boys. 

They both eagerly looked up, and Techno could see how visibly cold they were. Their noses and cheeks red, their shoulders shivering, and their breath visible.

“Hurry up, get in. We can get some coffee or something to warm you guys up.” 

Tommy and Tubbo both hurriedly climbing into the backseat, sitting close for more warmth. Techno threw them both a hoodie that he grabbed on his way out of the house. 

“Tubbo I want that back on Monday at school.” 

Tubbo rushidly put it on, speaking faster with every breath. “Thank you Techno. Could you just drop me off though, I need time to get back in before Eret notices.” 

“Yeah sure Tubs. We’ll get there in a minute.” 

The trio continued the drive in silence, Techno not being one to start the conversation, and Tommy and Tubbo trying to warm themselves up. 

Techno stopped the car a block away from Tubbo’s house, knowing that the car lights would bring suspicion to Eret who may or may not be awake at this time of night. 

“Thank you so much Techno! I’ll be sure to give you the hoodie back on Monday.” Tubbo exclaimed. 

“You got it Tubbo.” Techno smiled in the boy’s direction. 

As soon as Tubbo shut the car door, Techno could hear shuffling as Tommy climbed over the bar, sitting himself in the passengers seat next to Techno. 

Tommy’s eyes were slightly closed, he could tell how tired the boy was. I mean, Techno had no way of knowing how many times a week this boy regularly skipped sleeping. Sleep deprivation would crush him sooner or later. His blonde hair was a mess, sticking up in multiple directions out of the hoodie that was two-sizes too big on him. 

It dawned on Techno that it was Wilbur’s hoodie.

“You wanna get some coffee? Maybe a snack?” Techno offered, putting his hand on the shift, and turning around the car to back out of the street. 

He watched Tommy’s eyes light up at the sound of food, and a warm drink. 

The blonde hummed, “Yes please.” 

It was odd, really, For Techno to see this kind of contentment on his brothers face. It was always rushed excitement, or some sort of anger. Recently, Tommy had been really good at keeping his emotion in check - keeping his face calm when he was angry, or staying quieter when he was excited. 

Techno guesses that it’s just a part of Tommy growing up. 

Something that he is not willing to admit is happening. Not yet. 

But still, it was strange to see the smile cross his brothers face without thought, the blonde subconsciously snuggling closer into the hoodie. 

Techno sighed, a smile finding a place on his own face, “Did you have fun?” 

Tommy’s eyes lit up, shy smile forming into a wide grin. “You should’ve seen it Techno it was so fun. You should’ve seen Dream - he was a fucking mess. Wait till you hear the stories, he fell down his own stairs. Twice!” 

A fond smile still playing on his lips as he pulled into the Dunkin’ Donuts Drive Through. 

On one hand, his 15-year-old brother was sneaking out, going with people he shouldn’t be with, to places he shouldn’t be, sacrificing the sleep that he desperately needs at his age. On the other, his little brother was happy. Really, really happy. 

“Okay.” Techno decided, cutting Tommy off. “I won’t tell Phil, or Wilbur.” 

“Wait really?” Tommy asked skeptically. 

“Yeah.” He ruffled Tommy’s hair. 

“Cool.” Tommy decided. Techno moved up a spot in the Drive Through. 

“But,” Techno grinned, “You have to clean my room.” 

Tommy sighed, his mouth becoming a firm line. “Okay.” 

“Okay?” Techno asked. 

“Yeah,” His mouth forming a shy smile again, “Deal.” 

With that Tommy stuck out his pink finger - something that he hadn’t done since he was 8 years old. 

Techno blinked, then locked his finger with the blue-eyed teen. 

Maybe the old Tommy wasn’t gone just yet. 

[humbughana]

second best

warnings: cursing per usual, mentions of sex (gasp), hidden feelings (ugh the angst), dick rafe (yum), bad writing (the horror)

words: 3k

enjoy lovers x

Rafe and Lola have been friends since they were born, both shoved together by their families and being the same age, it was easy for them to grow closer throughout the years. 

But there was always a line that was to never be crossed.  A mutual understanding, of sorts.

A line that hardened the girl over the years when she started to notice how attractive Rafe got or the number of girls he went through right in front of her. Or the pang in her chest when he asked her for one of her friend's numbers. There was harmless flirting between the two, no more than teasing but it was still hard for Lola. 

So she resorted to drowning herself in boys of her own choosing if only to keep her mind off of her best friend.

“Lola!” 

From where she was leaning against the stairs, she could see the entire living room crowded with teenagers. Topper always knew how to throw a good party, “Yes Top?” She sipped her drink slowly, not looking at her blonde friend who joined her.

He rolled his eyes at her, “You can’t stand here all night, Lo.” He gestured to some of her friends that danced drunkenly, “Get out there.” Lola only shook her head slightly, “Not in the mood tonight.” she muttered with a shrug. It was true - and untrue. She showed up at the house excited to let loose with her friends but she almost immediately saw Rafe with his tongue down the throat of some brunette that was on his arm all night. 

When they were in high school, Topper noticed her soft spot for Rafe, especially after he had asked one of her friends to prom and the tears in her eyes when he saw her leaving the school that day, “Lola-” he started but was cut off with a sharp look that told him to shut his big mouth up.

“I’m fine.” She shrugged and a smile grew on her lips as she saw one of the guys she hooked up with regularly and casually, and as if to say ‘see’ she sauntered over to the boy and leaned into his side, an arm immediately wrapping around her waist. Throwing a smile over her shoulder to Topper he only shook his head in disapproval at her coping mechanisms. 

Rafe and Lola would kill each other, he vouched. 

Lola spent the night perched on the boys lap, drinks placed in her hand accordingly until she unintentionally swayed to the beat of the music. The boy- Jack was his name placed a firm hand on her back to keep her steady. He was sweet, much too sweet for her and he knew about her problem with Rafe. And she knew about his broken heart that his ex-girlfriend gleefully ripped in two. They were using each other, sure, but they respected each other. 

“Coming back to my place?” His voice was warm in her ear and she nodded, too eager to leave the party. She saw Rafe climbing the stairs with the same brunette to where she knew the guest rooms were, gritting her teeth. She let Jack’s hand slide up her back to rest behind her neck, “Let’s go.” Lola mumbled, standing up eyes still on the steps. 

So she would let Jack fuck her until she couldn’t even think about the tall blonde that was crushing her heart.

~

“Fuck you,” she spat at Rafe who only grinned back at her, pleased with himself as he held the golf club with ease. They both took the game way too seriously to have a casual outing anymore and Rafe was now beating her, “Have you been practicing without me?” she demanded, ripping the club out of his hand and setting her own ball up. Lining her feet up he laughed warmly behind her, “I took Victoria here the other day.” 

Barely listening to him, she hit the ball and watched it sail in the right direction with a grin. But Rafe continued and now she was listening, “You know her, I think. I took her to Topper’s party the other day.” So that was the brunette that he was with all night, “I didn’t actually see you that night, Lo. Did you go?” 

“I was there.” She nodded as Rafe drove them to their balls much too slowly when all she wanted to do was sink into herself. There was nothing more she wanted to hear about concerning Rafe and the girl he was seeing, “You must have just been busy with Victoria.” Unable to keep the sarcastic edge out of her tone Rafe turned to look at her slightly with a frown.

“Or you must have been with that Ashford kid.” She rolled her eyes, Rafe made his opinions abundantly clear about her friend.

“Jack?”

“Who else do you hang all over when you go out?” He was serious, she noticed and let out a real laugh. Rafe only clenched his jaw, “Something funny Lo?” She nodded, “Yeah actually. You have a problem with who I hang out with?”

“Only the ones you fuck.”

 She sucked in a breath, partly shocked and angry that he would have the nerve to say that to her face. So she nodded, heart beating too fast, “I am fucking him.” She spoke slowly but unwaveringly when she saw Topper and Kelce in the distance, “Careful Rafe.” she taunted “You sound jealous.” His head snapped to meet her eyes but she only rolled hers in response. Topper waved at the duo and Lola smiled at him, “You better leave him alone, Rafe.” She would kill Rafe if he went after Jack and she wouldn’t put it past Rafe to do something stupid. 

Rafe only angrily stomped off to Kelce when the cart stopped and she rolled her eyes once more at the dramatics of him before joining Topper, “What's his deal?” Topper asked, watching his two friends stalk off.

“He’s mad at me.” she snorted and Topper asked why, “Because I’m fucking Jack Ashford.” She laughed again, finding the irony in the situation while Topper just sighed and shook his head.

“Tell him, Lola.” 

“I don’t know what you're talking about Top” She crossed her arms and stared straight ahead, “I’m leaving actually. Let him wallow with you two.” She walked back over to the golf cart she and Rafe were using, ignoring Topper’s protest and drove back to the clubhouse. 

The nerve of that boy.

~

Lola and her two friends dragged her along to one of the few bars in their area, easily using their fake ID’s to get in and quickly downing a few shots to get them in the mood.

“I’m gonna go dance,” she mumbled, taking the last shot in front of her and wincing at the taste. And that she did, Lola danced in the mass of people and laughed as she left carefree until her skin began to overheat. 

“Lola!” she heard Eve yell and she turned in the direction of her two friends, one of which was in the face of another girl she didn’t recognize. Frowning she pushed through the crowd until she stood next to Eve who stared at their friend in worry.

“Sadie,” Lola started to intervene as their words started to change into yelling, “Come on.”

The girl she didn’t know laughed maliciously, “No - that little cunt kissed my boyfriend!” To which launched Sadie into an enraged furry, trying to reach around Lola that wedged herself in between the fight.

“What happened!” Lola raised her voice, eyeing Eve who cringed to the side. Sadie only laughed, “He kissed me! You crazy bitch!”

Lola wanted to groan, that was until the angry girlfriend spat out, “Whore!” Lola turned and smacked the girl across the face before anyone could have predicted the fight. If the crowd of people didn’t already know what was happening, then they certainly did now as the two girls fell in a heap on the floor, Lola on top.

“Get her, Lo!” Sadie yelled gleefully while Eve anxiously scrolled through her contacts, knowing they were about to get kicked out of the bar, if not arrested for being underage. 

When Lola started throwing real punches and the bouncer began sifting through the dense crowd towards them she held the phone to her ear, “Rafe?” Rafe had basically grown up with Lola’s two friends as well and knew something was up at the sound of her voice, “What’s up, Eve?”

“Please come get us? Lola’s fighting some girl and-” she cut herself off, “We’re at Brothers.” Rafe cursed at the girls but hung up with the promise he’d be there soon. 

The bouncers finally intervened, one grabbed Lola around the waist, the other two were dragging Sadie and the angry girlfriend out. Eve just followed behind with red cheeks while Lola cursed the bouncers to hell and back, Sadie still yelling at the other girl. They were unceremoniously dumped on the sidewalk outside, “You cause any problems out here and we’re calling the police.” The men looked at them pointedly and Eve prayed Rafe would show up and hopefully with his friends, she didn’t know if Rafe would be enough.

“Happy now? Your boyfriend probably has his tongue down someone else's throat.” Sadie crossed her arms as she stood next to Lola who looked crazed still, “Fucking psycho,” Lola muttered, catching the attention of the girl anyways.

“What did you call me?” her nasally voice rang true as she got back into Lola’s face and she only smiled.

“A. Fucking. Psycho.” Lola spat each word harshly as the girl's face turned red, Lola couldn’t react fast enough to dodge the hand that hit her cheek harshly. Eve could have cried when a familiar boy brushed past her and grabbed Lola around the waist and dragged her flailing body away.

“Rafe!” Sadie yelled in surprise, “I’m so glad you came.” She swayed slightly and Topper grabbed her elbow so she didn’t fall, “Topper too?” The drunk girl laughed forgetting all about the fight and the other girl finally stalked away, defeated.

“Lola calm the fuck down.” Rafe grabbed her jaw when he set her down in front of him finally. She hissed in pain and he let go, surveying her bruised face in disdain, “What the hell?” Rafe nodded to his friends behind them, telling them to get the other two girls home.

“She started it.” Lola crossed her arms stubbornly, “She insulted Sadie!” Rafe shook his head, a small smile graced his face and she softened immediately, “Don’t be mad at me,” She pouted, the alcohol making her a tad more open with her feelings. Rafe only laughed quietly and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Let's get you home, Lo.” He walked the two of them to his car as she walked him through the fight, “I totally won too.” She finished with a victorious grin.

Rafe lifted her up into the car with a grin, “I’m sure you did, baby.”  She warmed at the pet name that easily fell into their conversation and sat with a shit eating grin as he jumped into his side of the car, “Can I stay with you?”

Rafe nodded with a smile and began driving, “Course.”

Lola turned up the radio and began to hum to the songs she knew as Rafe could only watch her with a soft smile, “C'mon, Lo” He pulled her out of the car when they arrived at his familiar home and she only groaned and closed her eyes dramatically, “Fine,” he shrugged, “You leave me no choice.” He swiftly picked her up and walked them to the front door, setting her down on unsteady legs to unlock the door. Lola happily led the way to Rafe’s bedroom and began to sift through his closet for clothes to sleep in and took off her little top, hearing a slight cough behind her. 

“What?” She turned around completely, the shirt clutched to her bare chest and a smirk on her face made him swallow harshly, “Put the shirt on, Lola.” She rolled her eyes at his seriousness and slipped the shirt on before dragging the skirt down her legs.

“You’re no fun, Rafe.” She mumbled, crawling into his bed and shifting under the covers. He only looked at her with a look she couldn’t decipher before shaking his head, “I’m going to the guest room. You can take my bed.” 

“What?” She sat up on her elbows with a confused frown, “We’ve always shared a bed.” 

Rafe rubbed his eyes in frustration, “We’re not kids anymore, Lola.”

She was utterly confused, “Rafe I slept here, with you, last week. What’s wrong with you?” Fully sitting up now she furrowed her eyebrows when he shook his head.

“It’s different now,”

“In the past four days, you mean?” 

Rafe sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “ Goodnight Lola.”

“Rafe Cameron!” She threw a pillow at his back when he turned to leave his own room and he sighed audibly again at her antics. She tried not to let it sting, wondering what changed to wedge a space in between them.

“Don’t look at me like that,” He groaned and she blinked rapidly, now on her knees on the bed.

“Like what?”

“Like I’m breaking your heart over this.” 

Lola bit down on her bottom lip, “What if you were?” She looked at him with wide eyes, glassy from the alcohol and maybe her emotions. Rafe furrowed his brows as if confused with her admission but shook his head anyways, “You don’t mean that. Go to bed, Lo.” 

“Fuck you, Rafe. I’m leaving.” She jumped off the bed, stumbling slightly and began to grab her clothes when Rafe snatched her upper arm, “Like hell you are.” But she was ready and shoved his chest until he stumbled backwards. “Tell me the truth.” Lola crossed her arms expectantly and Rafe looked equally annoyed.

So he shrugged, “I don’t want to mess things up with Victoria. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea of our relationship.” And suddenly she was a freshman in highschool again, Rafe had just started dating a girl he barely knew and she was alone. Rafe left her in the dust for a new girl because he ‘didn’t want them to get the wrong idea’. 

And everytime she waited like a lost puppy for Rafe to call or text her, telling her he broke up with whoever he was seeing. Everything could go back to normal, she always thought. Always the faithful little friend.

So the sour look on her face fell to one of loss and Rafe had the nerve to ask what was the matter, she let out a dead laugh, “I’m not doing this anymore, Rafe. I won’t” She shook her head, her mind clear as his eyes reflected the opposite.

“What are you talking about?” 

She began to grab her skirt, pulling it back up her legs, leaving his shirt on and pulling on the jacket she had, “You cannot throw me to the side when it is convenient for you. I won’t wait for you anymore. So you either find a way to balance or this is goodbye Rafe.” She clipped his shoulder on her way out the door before he turned to follow on her heels. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!!” He was angry with her. Good, she thought. And only when she reached his front door did she turn, “You think about that. Hell, even ask Topper. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m walking home.” 

And that she did. The walk was really only five minutes as they lived on the same street and as usual her house was empty. Sitting in the empty kitchen in the dark, Lola pulled out her phone to see a few texts,

top: tell him. 

rafe: are you home?

And lastly, one that made her stall,

jack: can I come over?

~

“Morning,” she mumbled into her pillow as she felt the boy next to her shift with a groan. Jack’s hands reached out until he grabbed her waist and pulled her into him, burying his face into her neck tiredly, “morning lo.” his hands ran over her back in a comforting way that had her clinging to him, their legs tangled together. 

But neither of them were who the other truly wanted to find next to them in the mornings. 

Jack pulled away first, slowly sitting up and running a hand through his hair. He looked lost; sad even and she sat up behind him, running her hand up to his shoulder, “What happened?” she pressed a kiss to his bare shoulder as he covered his face with his hands. And there was always a reason for their visits.

“she moved on.” was all he said and Lola wrapped her arms around his waist from behinds and let them bask in the comfort for a little longer. 

But it was her turn when he turned his body to face her, “why am I here?” he looked at her pointedly and she smirked, “because I love your company.” he smiled at her but they both knew it wasn't the truth, so he laid her back down and propped himself on his elbow to look at her from the side. 

Lola sighed, looking from him to the ceiling over her, “he’s done with me.” she kept it short and sweet like he did but he still frowned, looking over her face as if to say who could possibly leave you behind? The sweetness of the boy next her here made her heart squeeze painfully, if only she could love him instead. 

He kissed her deeply when the first tear fell on her cheek and didn’t stop until her mind went blank with pleasure as he rocked into her late into the morning sun. Only when they both collapsed back onto the bed, breathing deeply, did she look at him but there were simply no words to say.

xx

*part 2

[lilolpotato]

Bokuto boyfriend headcanons pleeease? 🥺

HELL YES! No problem, thank you for asking me :))) I really hope you like it! 💕

BOKUTO S/O HEADCANNONS

You go to Fukurodani

How could you not notice him???

Bokuto is constantly energetic and screams with excitement a lot at school

You didn’t exactly have a crush on him first, neither of you talked to each other, but he would always cheer you up and make you laugh from afar, just by being himself

Bokuto notices how you always smile at him, he’s a little more observant than he’s given credit for

He was so sure you had a crush on him, he thinks everyone has a crush on him

But that’s ok because they probably do

Once his brain comes to that conclusion, his mouth goes, “AKAASHI, THAT CUTE GIRL IS TOTALLY INTO ME!!!”

And of course the entire school heard him

Maybe all of Japan

Kuroo, “I feel like Bokuto is doing something stupid.”

You’re not shy but you don’t exactly assert yourself with people either, and you hate being called out

You already had a particularly bad day today and this was the cherry on top

You turn red, and you notice everyone staring at you

Embarrassed, you run away, faintly hearing someone hit something

“Bokuto everyone heard you.” Akaashi says, and Bokuto goes a little pink, “Oh...” then goes pale, “oh.”

Bokuto runs after you feeling really guilty

You’re sitting in a corner, a couple tears escaping your watery eyes when Bokuto finds you.

Once you notice him, you say quietly, “I don’t have a crush on you.”

He looks like a kicked puppy and says, “Sorry... I kinda wish you did.”

Your eyes go completely wide??? This came out of nowhere???

“Are you confessing to me?” You asked. This was unbelievable. No way did he like you. He barely knew you!

He rubs the back of his hair, blushing, “I dunno, maybe...but I won’t like you if you don’t want me to! I can get over it! After all, I am the ace.”

You smiled, “I like being liked... and maybe we can hang out sometime? You can tell me what an ace is.”

He got all excited and so did you and that was the beginning of your glorious relationship

The first time you call him by his first name his eyes basically pop out of his head and he will jump up and down in excitement, giving you kisses all over your face and will call Akaashi to brag

Bokuto appreciates every little thing you do so much

When you know he’s exhausted from volleyball (and he’s really good at hiding it) you make him a little bento and sit in the benches at volleyball practice, doing your homework, getting volleyballs, and encouraging him; “Kou, that was so cool! You’re really strong!”, “Kou I’m so proud to have a boyfriend who’s so strong and awesome.”

You basically simp for him

It boosts his confidence so much, and he really wants to make you proud so with your support, he almost never goes into emo mode

He does extra well with you there, and no matter how sweaty he is, when he demands kisses you giggle and give them to him

He loves your laugh so he likes to make you laugh whenever he can

Lots of tickling

Lots of cheesy jokes

Lots of purposely doing stupid things and embarassing himself

All just to see you laugh

He thinks that you snorting is adorable and will yell, “YOU’RE SO CUTE Y/N BABY”

The volleyball team loves you

You keep Bokuto in check and out of emo mode

Besides, you were super nice to the team

You’d tutor the first years and second years on things you knew

Bring snacks to practices and tournaments for the whole team

Pick up volleyballs in practice

Lots of cheering for everyone

To games you’d come decked out in Fukurodani gear, face paint and ribbons, the whole package

Bokuto would almost cry every time he sees you like that because, “Y/N YOU’RE SO ADORABLE I CAN’T HELP IT I’M SO LUCKY.”

You and Akaashi are good friends

He teaches you how to set for Bokuto so you can help in practice

It was meant to be a surprise for Bokuto, so while you were learning Bokuto got extremely jealous

“Y/N whose hair is fluffier, mine or Akaashi’s?”

“DON’T TOUCH AKAASHI’S HAIR Y/N YOU’RE MINEEEE”

When you surprise him he freaks out and cries a little “Y/N this is what you were doing???? I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO *takes a breath* OOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!”

“AKAASHI. THANK YOU. Also don't try and steal my girl you hear me?” he jokes

You giggle a little and Akaashi rolls his eyes with a small smile

You’re only allowed to set for him otherwise he gets pouty

When he gets into emo mode and you’re not there, Akaashi will call you and you’ll talk to Bokuto, “Kou~ why are you upset?” “I’m bad at playing volleyball Y/N... why do you even love me?”

“I love you because you’re so dedicated to volleyball, me, and to everything you do. I love you because you make me laugh and so proud every time you go on that court and show everyone how hard you worked to get here. Kou, you’re one of the top five aces in the country! I don’t love you because of how good you are at volleyball, but because you are so hardworking and determined. You’re amazing at volleyball, so don’t put all those hours working hard to get as great as you are at volleyball to waste, and get back out there!”

Bokuto will tear up a little and be better than ever

Akaashi will wonder how you, someone really smart, is dating the idiot that tried to fit into a fridge today

But he’s proud of Bokuto for earning someone like you and keeping you

The next time he sees you, you get lots of kisses and cuddles “I love you so much Y/N!”

Considering he has to stay as one of the top five aces in the country, he overworks himself sometimes

You keep him from doing that by tempting him with cuddles and kisses

Works like a charm

“Aww I wanted cuddles, but I guess if you’d rather play more volleyball instead...”

Akaashi is so thankful for you

Cuddles are super frequent

This boy needs cuddles 24/7

He’ll wrap one arm around your waist and the other in your hair, and your head will be buried in his chest hugging him, and bringing him closer

Dates are super well thought out by him

Amusement parks? Yes.

Festivals? Oh yeah.

Ice skating? Definitely.

His kisses are always sweet, and long, like he’s trying to show you how much you mean to him every single time he kisses you

He loves giving butterfly kisses everywhere, especially your neck and right behind your ear.

He’s very patient and doesn’t have much of a temper, but some things make him very very pissed off

Bokuto is constantly trying to show how much he loves you, no matter the situation. He could be really mad or stressed out bu the last thing he wants to do is make you feel unloved

If you’re ever insecure, you should know, that Bokuto isn’t the type to care about appearances, and he makes sure you know that

Bokuto is so committed to you, he doesn’t want to do things like a fling or friends with benefits because he doesn’t see the point

If he is in a relationship with you, it’s committed till the end

He trusts you a lot, but he still gets jealous. He wants all of your affection and will either act like a kicked puppy or a horny teenager until it’s gone.

You always give him lots of physical affection and hype him up if he gets jealous

Bokuto gets a fair amount of female attention, so it’s natural to be jealous. However, Bokuto hates the idea of cheating and he just isn’t the type to do it

Besides, he loves you a lot and you trust him

He likes to make sure everyone knows that he’s yours and nobody else’s

You guys don’t fight a lot, and if you do, it’s always calm on his part He’s good at thinking rationally in stressful situations

Besides, he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body

Bokuto is always the first one to apologize, and he’ll get your favorite snacks and a movie you both love and come home

He loves when you steal his hoodies, and refreshes your stash regularly

“Do you have the goods?” “Yeah, make sure to keep it on the down low. We don’t want the cops on our tail.” “This would be easier if stealing hoodies were legal” “Pay up bub” *sweet, long kiss* You both laughed

Whenever you’re scared he’ll unconsciously know and wrap his arms around you

He loves you so much and you both are endgame

[seokjinsdisciple]

Riddikulus - two

hogwarts!au, enemies to lovers!au

jungkook x reader, side namjin

Word Count: 1.4k

warnings: mentions of sex, language

<previous   two   next>

series masterlist

The halls of Hogwarts were buzzing with excitement. The first day of classes always made the castle fill with elation. You, however, were hurrying to potions, your favorite course. Seonghwa had dragged you into an empty classroom and had his way with you, and now you were running late, and considerably disheveled. 

“Nice of you to join us,” Professor Slughorn nodded you to the only empty seat in the room. You passed Jimin and gave him a glare, he was supposed to be saving you a seat, yet here you are making your way to the back of the class. When you spotted the red and gold on the robes, you inwardly groaned, but when you were met with an arrogant bunny smile you flicked Jeon off. Sitting down in your seat, you kept your eyes trained on Slughorn. 

“So, how’s Seonghwa doing today?” Jungkook whispered, taking in your fucked out appearance, “Or was it another of the 6 guys you’ve fucked.”

“You’re just jealous that you can’t get your dick wet, Jeon. If you tell my brother or Jin about this you’re dead.”

“Oh, I feel so threatened snake princess.” 

You just rolled your eyes, focusing on Slughorn’s lecture. Jungkook had absolutely tortured you during your first year. He would always lead the Gryffindors in taunting you and would even steal your things and hide them around the castle. The most annoying part about Jungkook was that he was so perfect at everything. He was an extremely talented seeker, he was devilishly handsome, he excelled in (almost) every class, and the entire school idolized him. You think maybe that’s why he tortured you. You never fell for his charms. You glanced at the boy sitting beside you before shaking those thoughts from your head and trying to learn some potions. 

Despite showing up late and not really trying, potions was one of your best subjects. However, it was Jungkook’s worst, a fact that was painfully evident when his potion smelled like rotten eggs by the end of class. He was sticking his tongue out while he read his potion book, and if the smell of his potion wasn’t filling your nose, you might’ve thought he looked handsome. Keyword: might’ve. 

“Help me fix this will you?” He pleaded, his face flushed a light pink as he tried dumping more ingredients in. You slapped his hand away from his cauldron to stop him from making it worse before glancing around. Slughorn was assessing the potions on the other side of the room. Hastily, you added more wormwood, his potion turned the same lilac color yours was currently. 

“Don’t get used to it, I’m not gonna help you pass.”

“Help me study and I won’t tell Namjoon you’re still fucking Seonghwa despite him specifically telling you to stop,” he bargained, another arrogant smirk painted on his face. 

“For a Gryffindor, you sure are a cunning asshole.”

He just chuckled at you, “The hat did almost put me in Slytherin.”

“Thank god that it didn’t.”

--

You threw yourself onto the emerald green couch in the Slytherin common room, resting your legs on Jimin and laying your head on Yoongi’s lap with a sigh.

“Today was a bitch,” you groaned, running your hands through your hair to release the tension from your headache. 

“Why?” Jimin asked, rubbing your calf.

“I’m mad at Jimin so Yoongi ask me why my day was a bitch please,” you said, causing Yoongi to laugh and Jimin’s lips form into a pout. 

“Why was your day a bitch, princess? And why are you mad at Jimin now?”

“Well, my day started off great. I got fucked in an empty classroom before potions,” you started, Yoongi groaning at you.

“Oh, is that why you were late?” Jimin asked, looking down at you.

“And I’m assuming that's why you have a giant hickey on your neck?” Yoongi muttered, pushing your hair to the side in order to see the mark more clearly.

“Yeah, so what I fucked Seonghwa again. That's not the point of the story Yoongles. The point is that Jiminie was supposed to save me a seat, but he sat next to the fourth year boy he has been dying to fuck.” 

Yoongi just rolled his eyes at this, giving Jimin a pointed glare. 

“I mean, does he have no loyalty?” you shot a look at him. 

“Princess we aren’t Hufflepuffs, he’s probably been planning on how to sit by him all summer holiday.”

You just stuck my tongue out at Yoongi’s theory, giving Jimin a slight kick to his stomach in annoyance, “I got stuck sitting next to Jeon fucking Jungkook for the rest of the term. And it is all your fault Jiminie.��� 

“I’m sorry, I sit with you in every class except potions. I can ask Slughorn to switch us, but he will never agree.”

“Ugh, I know he won’t, and now I’m stuck tutoring the stupid bastard in potions.”

“Why would you agree to that?” Yoongi asked, peering over his book with a quizzical look in his eyes. 

“He threatened to tell Joon about the whole Seonghwa thing.”

“How the hell did he manage to figure it out? The kid’s like missing half his brain cells.”

“She came in looking fucked out,” Jimin answered, “The whole class knew why she was late.”

“Thanks, Jiminie, you make a hoe feel so good.” 

He grinned at you, squeezing your calf, “Cuddle me, I missed you.”

“As much as I would love to, I need to get this Charms essay done,” you sighed, pecking both of your boys on the cheek as you headed out of the common room and towards the library. 

There were a lot of things that you usually didn't mind about Hogwarts that happened to you regularly. However, today was not a good day for you. You were irritated about the Jungkook situation and you were getting strange looks from your actions with Seonghwa in the classroom earlier. So, when there were no empty tables in the library, you kinda lost your cool. You spotted a group of first-year Gryffindors and stalked over to them. 

“Move, now,” You growled,  smirking as they gathered their books and collected their quills, “Courageous my ass.” 

The first years were so easy to take advantage of, especially since you were seen as a big bad Slytherin. You smiled at the thought that your reputation preceded you, especially outside of the school. You sat down, plopping your charms textbook down and opening it. Yes, you were a Slytherin, but you were studious, another fact which people often choose to ignore. It’s easier for the Ravenclaws to hate you if you aren’t similar to them in any way. 

“I should’ve known you’d be here,” Namjoon’s soft voice whispered as he sat at the table across from you. 

“Hi Joonie, how was your first day of classes?” 

“Not as eventful as yours I hear,” Namjoon raised his eyebrows at you, glancing pointedly to the hickey on your neck. You let out an awkward chuckle, dreading the conversation that was going to happen.

“I thought we agreed you would cut it off with him?”

You met your brother’s eyes and sighed, “I’m sorry, Joonie. I let my emotions get the better of me.”

“Just promise me you will try to think with your head next time, my ass is so sore from how angry Jin was,” he sighed, grabbing my hand and giving it a squeeze as you laughed at his antics. He pulled his textbooks out in front of him as he quickly glanced up at you, “Besides, I really don’t want to have to watch Jungkook sulk every time you are around.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Namjoon just looked pointedly at you before nodding his head to a table near the back of the library. You followed his gaze and your eyes were met with the sight of Jungkook quickly looking away. “You might not be a Ravenclaw, but you aren’t dumb bumblebee.”

You scoffed at him, blush dusting your cheeks at his use of your childhood nickname. Definitely not because of catching the eyes of a handsome Gryffindor that you despised. No definitely not because of him.

 “What’s that supposed to mean, Namjoon?”

“Figure it out for yourself princess. Consider it a punishment for the whole Seongwa thing,” Namjoon smiled up at you before diving into his homework, leaving you to your thoughts. You started writing your paper, not being able to shake the pair of eyes that were burning into your neck from across the library.

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Two Moons

(Story Post)

On wolf nights, Nathan still spent his time at APID but now Sydryn had arranged for him to have a family suite, one big enough for the twins to stay in and for Dax to sleep over. His worry about having Dax and the twins with the wolf slowly faded as Dax often recounted to him the majority of what happens when he turned, and it was mostly nothing. The wolf fed the twins regularly when they were hungry, curled up with them when they were tired. For the most part, they all shared the bed, and Dax even got to snuggle in behind his big fluffy boyfriend to get sleep for a decent amount of time. The twins were starting to get into the habit of turning at the same time as Nathan, but it wasn’t a sure thing and Dax would have to take over when they were human, as the wolf, though gentle with them in any form, could not change diapers.

At two months old, Grace and Gabriel were hitting their development milestones on time. Both could hold their heads up while on their tummies. Both showed interest in toy and noises around them, though grabbing wasn’t yet a thing except mostly by accident. As pup and cub however, they were growing differently. Grace was developing ahead of her brother in that regard. As a pup, she was already starting to figure out some crawling techniques, and could be found chewing her dad’s ear sometimes. Gabriel on the other hand, though bigger than her, wasn’t at all mobile and constantly wanted to be feeding, always curled up at the teat. They were both eating and pooping machines, and slept a lot. The majority of the time, Nathan spent inside with the kids, while Dax would go out and get food and any supplies they needed. The pregnancy group still happened on Friday’s and if Nathan couldn’t bring himself out to their meeting room for whatever reason, the group would always swing by his room to check in and hang out. It had been a few weeks since Dari and Fay had their twins, so they were missing, but up until then they’d been in group regularly. Yori was absent a couple of weeks before as his family had gone on vacation over the school break, but he was back again and eager to talk about his trip with anyone who’d listen. Despite not going outside much, it felt like Nathan’s little family was very popular. Even APID E faculty dropped by after class times to see the babies. Because of the frequency of visitors, Nathan felt like he had seen everyone still rather regularly. Apparently not. One afternoon while he was feeding the twins, there was a strong knock on the door. Dax was taking a nap and was apparently exhausted because he didn’t even budge. “Coming.” Nathan sighed and set Grace down in her bassinet since she seemed to be done. He pulled a robe over himself and Gabriel and went to the door. Opening it, he found his dear friend Wano, violet in the face (blue blooded version of red in the face) and glaring him down. “Wano, what’s going on?” Nathan said. “Are you okay?” “Two moons,” Wano said. “Two and almost another moon and you never come to the cafeteria.” “Oh. Um, I’m really sorry…” Nathan said. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been a little occupied.” Wano nodded in acknowledgment. “But you still need to eat. You should’ve come eat.” “Dax’s been bringing in food mostly,” Nathan said. “But, I’m sorry Wano. I didn’t realise our mealtimes meant that much to you. But you could’ve always stopped by.” “Am I not? I’m stopping by now,” Wano stated. “You appear healthy. Are you in good health?” “Well, that’s debatable, but mostly, yeah,” Nathan said. “Could be worse.” “Good. And you’re not likely pregnant since humans typically take time off that to raise their young for a bit, yes?” “Well, most do, sure. Maybe not Dari…” “Is that another race?” “No, it’s a friend. Never mind.” “Male?” “Yeah, why?” Wano narrowed his eyes. “What height?” “Oh, I dunno… Pretty short… Why?” Wano nodded approvingly. “Only friend sized.” “Sure?” “Good. So, being as your womb is vacant…” Wano produced a fistful of flowers from behind his back and shoved them towards Nathan. “I’d like to propose a mating partnership.” Nathan blinked and stared at the alien man. “…You want to…marry me?” Wano nodded. “Mostly, interspecies relationship is frowned upon in my culture, however humans are the originators. Your species is a precious part of the universe. To mate with you would strengthen my familial bloodline.” “Um…” Nathan couldn’t tell if it was sweet or insulting. “I’m in a relationship?” “With him?” Wano pointed to Dax still lying in bed. “I could fight him for you. I’d win. He leaves himself easily vulnerable.” “He’s napping. You’re not fighting anyone. That’s not how this works. I chose Dax,” Nathan said. “I’m happy with my choice. And it sounds like you want someone to start a family with, and frankly I’m pretty sure I don’t want to get pregnant again.” “Well, um…” Wano faltered for a moment. “It does not need to be a mating partnership… I hear your species fornicates for pleasure. Our partnership could be that.” “Wano, I’m not available for partnerships,” Nathan said. “Though your proposal has been…flattering.” “Oh.” Wano rubbed his neck. “Are you sure? I’d be a great partner.” Nathan nodded. “I’m sure. Can you accept that?” Wano lifted his chin in acceptance. “Should I go?” “No, no… Well, I mean, you should meet the kids,” Nathan suggested. “Come in.” “Oh…” Wano rubbed the back of his neck. “Maybe not. I need to sleep.” “Alright. Well, we’ll catch up later, right?” Nathan said. “Maybe not.” Wano looked down and away. “Oh.” Nathan frowned, realising maybe the rejection had been harder on Wano than he thought. “Listen, I get that this isn’t easy for you, but I still want to be friends if we can be. It just takes time.” “Time is not something I have,” Wano stated. “My appeal hearing is tomorrow.” “To…Tomorrow?” Nathan blanched. “Why didn’t you tell me before? I could’ve helped you prepare!” Wano shrugged uncomfortably and motioned towards the babe in Nathan’s arms. “Right… The birth…” Nathan rubbed Gabriel’s head thinking for a moment. “I’m sure you’ll do fine though. Do you have a counsel?” “My case worker…” Wano stated, though he didn’t appear happy with that. “Well, that’s good. The case workers here are pretty good…” Wano just stayed silent, looking at his feet. Nathan placed a hand on the alien’s shoulder. “…Did you want me to be there?” Wano shook his head. “You shouldn’t want to be. You are a parent now. That is likely more important to you.” “No, well, yes… But I have Dax. He can watch the twins while I’m there. I can be a character witness, if you want that. What is the reasoning behind your removal?” “Criminal record,” Wano said. “It’s stupid… As if punching someone is a crime.” “Yes, it’s called assault,” Nathan said. “It was all the way back from when I got here. A guy looked at me weird. I punched him in the face.” “Yeah, and you don’t see a problem with that?” Nathan asked. “I know now…” Wano crossed his arms. “That kind of staring wouldn’t fly on my planet.” “Well, do you want to go back there or do you want to stay on this planet?” “Of course I want to stay,” Wano huffed. “My planet is hell.” “Then you need to win this appeal,” Nathan said. “And I’m going to help you.” “No, I—” “I know. You don’t want to ask for help. But asking for help doesn’t make you weak,” Nathan said. “In fact, I believe people only grow stronger when we work together. So, come inside.” Nathan took Wano’s arm and brought him into the suite. The alien tensed up nervously, unsure how to react to Nathan’s forceful kindness. Nathan got him to sit down at a table and went to check his calendar. “I don’t have much time since I’m still in wolf cycle, so we’ll try to cram… Dax!” The thunderbird stirred on the bed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Hm?” “I’m sorry, but I need you awake,” Nathan said. “We have company.” “Company?” Dax got himself up into a seated position, leaning tiredly on his arms. He locked eyes with Wano. “Oh. You’re the broccoli guy…” “Broccoli?” Wano scrunched his nose. “Why would you associate me with green vegetation?” “Remember, when you met, we were debating about broccoli and cauliflower,” Nathan explained, getting his laptop with one hand while he continued to nurse Gabriel. The cub just couldn’t be satisfied it seemed. “Dax, I need to help Wano with his deportation appeal tomorrow so I need you to watch the kids.” “Right… I can do that,” Dax said, leaning over and checking on Grace in her bassinet. She was sound asleep for now. “Are you going to the thing?” “Yes. Do you think you can watch them then, too?” Nathan asked. “I know you haven’t been alone with them yet…” Dax gave a thumbs up. “We got this.” “Thank you, Dax.” Dax smiled to him and got up to grab his yoga mat. “You do that teacher thing you do so well and help this guy not get deported.” At the sight of the rolled mat, Wano got defensive. “What are you doing with that?” “I figured I’d get some stretching in before Grace wakes up and Gabriel sucks the last drop out of Nathan,” Dax stated. “Stretching?” Wano frowned. “What combat are you…um…anticipating?” “The battle that is parenthood,” Dax stated. “But actually, yoga is really good for your health. You don’t need to be facing combat simply to want to stretch.” “Well, once we win this appeal, you can teach Wano all about it,” Nathan said. “Wano, I don’t know much about immigration law, but what are you most worried about in this appeal?” “…I guess, just…” Wano licked his tongue. “I don’t like being asked many questions with many eyes watching… It makes me mad.” “Okay, I can help with that,” Nathan said. “I’ve had a lot of kids in my class who are nervous speakers and don’t like getting up in front of the class. And it’s even worse when you’re not prepared for questions. But there’s some strategies we can work with.” Wano nodded. “Okay…” “Alright, let’s get started.” “Thank you…”

[jkookiecream-blog]

Euphoria | jjk fanfic (m)

Warnings: smut, unprotected sex(always stay safe kids), daddy kink, Dom! Jk x Sub!Female

Summary: Another busy night in the club but tonight you are expecting a special customer. Who could that be?

Author's note: Hi! I'm a new writer here. I hope you like my work :)

Word count: 3k+

I was working in the club taking orders from the customers, going back and forth as usual.

“Y/n table 10.drinks now.” Jimin passed me the drinks for table 10.

I quickly turned my head to his direction and got the drinks quickly.Tonight is so busy and idk why, it's Wednesday goddamn!

I pulled down my short skirt and went to table 10 asap.

I smiled to the customers and gave them their vodkas and then went back to Jimin.I was literally running everywhere and my black stilettos were killing me.Why did I even wear stilettos tonight? Ugh!The skirt keeps coming up.I pulled the skirt down irritated.Today is not a good day.

I sighed and sat near Jimin to catch my breath.Working in a strip club (not as a stripper) is one of the most difficult things I've attempted to do in my life.Why did I even accepted the job? Well, I love night life.

A hand on my shoulder made me turn around and look at my manager.

“Y/n can u go and help Nancy?She is having a problem getting dressed up.”

Jimin gives me a glare by the way that man touches me and I don't like it either. I get up and take his hand off me. “Yes sir” I say politely and leave from the bar.

~

I open the door of Nancy's dressing room and saw her struggling with the corset.

I chuckled slightly and she looked at me pissed but at the same time desperate for my help.

“Don't just stand there and look.Do something!My next client is coming in 15 minutes!” I closed the door and went behind her trying to help.

“Don't move you are making this harder!” In the end I helped her dress up and after I finished I sat on the vanity and watched her fix her makeup.

“How do I look?”

“You look cute” She smiled to the mirror looking at herself proudly.

“In contrast to u.” Oh my god this bitch just dissed me.Sometimes I hate this fucking bitch and yet she is the only stripper who speaks to me.

“What?” I frowned. “Do I look so bad?” I said looking at myself up and down. Nancy rolled her eyes and got up. She took my wrist and placed me on her seat. “Your hair is a mess,your lips are dry and chunky and your waterline smudged.And please fix your bra, everyone can see it.”

I looked down at my breasts and immediately fixed my bra.

“Oh my fucking god I hate these clothes and this stupid skirt is way too short.I have to pull it down all the time”

“Okay okay calm down” Nancy took her blending brush and fixed my eye makeup.She put gloss on my lips and brushed my hair really quick.

“Thanks” I said surprised by her nice attitude and how fast she did all that.

“I couldn't stand how ugly u looked that why I helped u”

I rolled my eyes and got up from the seat.

“Don't ignore me come here” Nancy said and I asked her what else she wants.She gave me a choker and asked me to put it on her.

She placed her hair on one shoulder and I wrapped the choker around her neck.

Somebody knocked the door and I saw my coworker Julian calling my name. “Y/n I need help and the manager told me to come for the orders.”

I nodded and walked to Julian.

“Don’t tell me that more people have come?” She nodded. “It's a fucking Wednesday why?”

“Oh u don't know?” Nancy interrupted.I frowned.

“Know what?”

“I heard that some guy named Jeon Jeongguk holds a party tonight here.” Nancy walked closer to us.

“Wait, that's the rich guy who owns the car company we were talking about.” Julian told me. “But I thought that he'll come next Wednesday”

“Seems that plans have changed” Nancy replied.

“Omg I can't believe that he's coming tonight,he might be already here!I need to check myself!” Julian pushed us aside and standed in front of the mirror looking at herself.

“Why are u making a fuss?” I asked them. “We've been in similar situations before why is he different?”

They both looked at me confused.

“Omg girl wake up” Nancy rolled her eyes again. Ok this bitch needs to stop giving me attitude or I'll poke her in the eye with my fucking stilletto.

“Boss said that we'll have to treat him well.He is an important customer.. maybe the most important so far.Also he told me that one of the two of us will serve ONLY his table when he comes.” I was speechless.I was looking at Julian strangely.Did I hear correctly?We're having an important customer that I will possibly personally take his orders,abandoning all my other tables.He must very important.. and I've just learned about his arrival.

“And why the hell I wasn't informed?! ” I shouted.

Their eyes widened by my loud voice.

I scoffed and grabbed Julian's hand dragging her out of Nancy's dressing room. “Come on Julian I have orders to take and I don't want to get scolded by the manager.See u later Nancy” I said and shut the door.

~

“What took you so long?The customers want their drinks.” Jimin said. I took my salver and placed the drinks on.

“Can u leave me alone? Julian take these to table to 14” After one hour of exhausting marathon on stilettos, I took the opportunity and sit somewhere in the corner.

While watching the new people entering the club, I distinguished a group of guys , especially one of them who caught my attention.I don't know why but something about him was different about the others.He had that sparkle that made me interested in him. My manager walked up to them and shook hands with the boy that caught my eye.

“Oh shit don't tell that it's him” I got up,fixed my skirt and went to Julian immediately.I show her the guy and she said. “Oh fuck that's him.The manager is signalling us to come.”

“Wait what's his name again?”

“Jeon Jeongguk.Come on let's go.”

We walked towards them and the manager spoke up.

“Girls that's mr.Jeon. Mr.Jeon who would u prefer to serve you?”

He was looking at us from top to bottom.Julian's heart was beating so fast I could hear it. On the other hand,I dared to stare back at him not really caring.. although the awkwardness was dreadful. He is really handsome and muscular. He must be going to the gym regularly. He has so many piercings and his outfit makes him seem older and mature, although I believe he is the total opposite. However,the most funny thing about him was definitely his pink hair.I guess.. maybe not because I find him really sexy.

“Her.” The pink-haired boy picked me. Of course since I'm the unluckiest human being on planet Earth I should always expect the worse.

Jeongguk pov

The manager grabbed her by the arm and whispered something in her ear caughting her off guard by his sudden movement. I lifted a brow a bit curious. “Take mr.Jeon and his friends to their table. Julian come with me.”

“Yes sir.” The girls say together. Julian and the manager left and the girl I chose lead us to our table.

The guys settled down and she was ready to leave,but I grabbed her wrist stopping her.She turned her head and looked at me with her big eyes.She parted her juicy lips and asked me. “..Em? Do you need help sir?”

I didn't say anything.I sat down and she stayed beside me.

“Stay there.”

Y/n pov

“Em..I don't think I can sir.I have to take care of the other customers too.”

“Don't worry I spoke with your boss and you'll only need to take care of this table.” He threw me a smirk.

“Ohh.. okay.” I nodded and stayed where he told me to stay.

I've been standing up for the last hour and my feet hurt like hell.I tried to escape but my manager keeps glancing at me, warning me that I should do my job and listen to the customer. Who the hell is guy?And why is everyone treating him like a king?I mean some of the strippers came here and started dancing all over him completely ignoring the 6 other boys.The funny thing is that he pushed them aside and continued drinking and watching the show in front of him.

Maybe he doesn't like these cheap ass hoes touching his expensive clothes.. I don't know.

Oh.. Here she comes. Another stripper.

She sat on the pink's dude lap and started moving her body. She wrapped her fingers around his veiny neck and whispered in his ear. Jeongguk smirked and grabbed the girl's wrist scaring her a little.He said something to her and pushed her off his lap.

I chuckled and turned my head away trying to compose myself and remain serious.

The stripper flipped her hair in the air and walked away shaking her hips.The bitch is mad.. That's what she deserved anyways and I'm sure they all are jealous because I'm standing right next to him and they can't even touch him. I like this guy.

He looked at me and placed his finger on his mouth.I bend down closer to him and he said to me.

“What's your name?”

“Y/n.”

“Can u get me more drinks y/n?”

“Sure.”

I went back to Jimin and gave him a new order.Jimin was glaring at me all the time while he was preparing the drinks.

“Yes?” He chuckled and passed me the drinks ignoring my question. “You good?” He is my buddy and I really don't know what has gotten into him tonight. He chuckled again and continued his job.

I grabbed my salver and put the drinks on top. I went back to the cherry boy and placed their drinks on the table.

I took the last drink in my hands,bend in front of him and placed it on the table.I lifted up my eyes and saw him already looking back at me with a smirk.I remain calm outside but at this point I was screaming inside.I was mentally slapping myself because of how sexy that boy is.

I returned the salver and went back to my position.I was standing above him and he was sitting below me eyeing me constantly. He placed down his drink and turned his neck towards me.I leaned down and he said.

“Aren't you tired staying up? You can sit next to me.” He patted the empty space beside him. “Or do u want to sit on me?” He bites his lips.

“Huh?”

“Huh?”

“What did u say?”

“Nothing.” He turned around feeling frustrated.

I looked around me and saw my manager looking at me p i s s e d.

There's no way in hell I'm sitting on him bitch what?

The boss came towards us and talked to them. He asked them if everything is alright and everyone nodded except from him who didn't even answered.

“Mr. Jeon are u okay? Would u like another waitress to serve u? “ He eyes me and I arched a brow irritated. Boii I'm just a waitress. All I have to do is to take their order and give them their drinks.

“No I'm fine with her. “ He looked at me to see my reaction.

I didn't take that as a compliment nor did I felt any relief from his words towards my boss. I'm not a toy to entertain him. What the fuck is wrong with these people?

“Excuse me for one moment. “ I said as calmly as possible and disappeared from here. My boss looked at Mr. Jeon and talked to him trying to keep his interest.

His palms were sweating while talking to him because it was pretty clear that Jeongguk didn't hear a thing. He watched u walking u away until u disappeared from his sight.

It was obvious that you are his type and he was interested in getting to know you.

You went to the women's W/C and locked yourself in one of the bathroom stalls.

I sat down on the toilet letting out an sigh. I'm so tired and my shift will end in 2 hours. I don't know if I can handle the cherry boy or my boss or Jimin until my night ends. My feet are screaming to release them from these fucking stilettos. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I’ll spend 2 hours here until I have to leave. There is no way I'm going out again. I have to entertain none. I'll stay right here.

“Ahh…” I take off my heels smiling like an idiot as I free myself from this torture. “It feels so good..” I rubbed my feet and moaned in pure pleasure.

*knock knock *

I startled and closed my mouth immediately. What if it's my boss? Nooo I don't want to goo to thatt pinkk coconutt head againnn.

“... y/n? Are u inside? “ That's not my boss. It's the pink boy! Oh my fucking God that's even worse. What am I going to do now?

You stayed silent hoping he would leave BUT HE DIDN'T.

You heard him chuckling.

“Why can see your high heels.Why are u hiding baby? I’m opening the door” The door knob turned and I stretched my foot kicking it closed again. “I-I’m doing so-something now Mr. Jeon. I'll come back when I'm finished.”

“What are u doing?I want to help u” He slightly pushed the door open again but I kicked it again. I’m rubbing my feet because they hurt. That would sound so weird to say.

“It's o-okay! I can handle it by myself.”

“Then let me help. You’ll feel so much better if u get help” Feel better? What is he talking about?

“Mr.Jeon I think u-” He pushed the door open making me startled. I got up from the toilet pulling my short skirt down ready to come out and continue working.

“I don't know what was the point of fixing that.” He whispers.

“What? “

“What? “ He mouthed back stepping inside the small bathroom and closing the door.

I really can't take his behavior anymore. He pisses me off.

“Are u mocking me? I don't like it. You can stop it now” He smirked and came closer grabbing my waist. I looked down at his hands dumbfounded.

He slammed me against the wall and smirked at me while I was about to faint if he kept looking at me like that.

“That's sexual harassment. “ I stated before he dared to move his hand lower.

“why baby? .. I’ll make u feel good” He whispered in my ear and bit the lobe making me moan. His hands roamed around my body and stopped at the edges of my skirt.

Why am I not resisting? I should scream or push him and try to run away but I am not doing it. Why? He hasn't even started yet and my panties are getting wet. He lifted my skirt up and then teared up my blouse with his bare hands. He put my titties out of my bra and turned me around pinning my body against the wall.

“You are so damn hot y/n.That fat pussy is already wet for me right? “ I shook my head trying to comprehend what was happening. I'm not a slut. I'm working here as a waitress my job purpose is not to please the customers.

“Don't touch me please. “ I don't know if I can handle it. I might get fired if someone finds out. I can't risk it all because of this hot hot hot cherry boy.

“I’ll pay u triple if u let me have a small taste of your body? “

“only a small taste? “

“.. and maybe something more. “ He cupped my pussy. I bit my lips debating inside my head. Should I let him.. My guardian angel was telling me no but the devil inside me was telling me yes.

Heat built up inside my body and I started feeling hot. So hot like I got a sudden fever. I’m wet. I felt his hot breath touching my neck as he placed sweet kisses.I don't want to but my body betrays me so well. My skin is burning.

“T-Take me in daddy-y”

Daddy? That's new for him. He is used to being called baby or babyboy but now that you called him daddy.. You excited him even more.

“What did u say babygirl? What do u want daddy to do? “ He teased u slowly, shoving a finger inside your hot pussy until his knuckle touched your entrance. He started moving his finger in and out slowly. “A-Ahh~" He smirked as he saw that u couldn't take this tease and trusted another finger inside u. Every time he trusted inside you was better than the previous. His fingers increased the speed, finger fucking you until he could feel the sweet cream dripping down his hand.

Your nails scratched the wall and your legs were shaking from the pleasure. He is moving his fingers so fast. “I-I can't hold it anymore~” You cummed hard on his fingers too soon making u feel embarrassed that u couldn't hold longer.

“Delightful” He said after tasting my cum. He grabbed my chin and bit my neck making me whimper. “Are u ready for the real fun gorgeous? I'll make u see a new world tonight” And the next thing u felt was a strong slap on your pussy lips.

“Ahh! “ You moaned louder making him slap you again.The only thing you felt was the emptiness along with the pain he caused to your pussy by the couple slaps.

“P-Please take me in-n daddyy” You whimpered. It's torturing to feel empty down there. The cold air kissed my pussy lips one more time making me silver by the feeling. I need something now. To fill me up.

“Can I have your fat cock daddy?” Jeongguk locked his lips. His mind had turned dirty and his eyes were filled up with lust. He was looking at how hot u were right now. Holding the wall and scratching it every time u felt good because of him, titties out and panties dirty af.

He grabbed your face turning it towards him. He examined closely the expression u were making. Eyes half lidded, rosy cheeks, lips glossed with your saliva and euphoria had hit every part of your body. He opened your mouth and a globe of his saliva touched your tongue and then he closed your mouth.

He was nasty.

Jeongguk turned u around again slamming u against the wall following with the sound of his pants unzipping and an aggressive push inside your cunt, holding your mouth not letting anyone hear your screams. Your eyes enlarged and your hands wandered around the wall to scratch it. Jeongguk chuckled as he slowly started moving his hips against your skin,thrusting his cock inside your tight walls and u suddenly bit his fingers.

Only quite moans and groans could be heard inside the bathroom along with the intense and fast skin slapping and wet sounds.

“D-Daddyy your cock is so thick and long. Please go faster. Daddyy goo faster~” You said between your moans and panting breaths and Jeongguk didn't catch that many words except from daddy and faster.

He wrapped his fingers around your jaw bringing your head towards him making you arch perfectly in a C line. You closed your mouth not letting yourself moan but Jeongguk grabbed your wrists pulling them behind your back still thrusting mercilessly inside your wet pussy. “Let daddy hear his name babygirl”

“What if someone hear us? “

“Daddy will find u a better job so shut the fuck up and moan”

“Ahh~~Daddyy~~” You moans increased in volume and his hips picked up their pace slapping roughly his skin against yours.

He slapped your ass until it turned red with the mark of his fingertips on.

Your legs your shaking, your heart was racing and your pussy was busted open.You were breathing fast and moaning like a mess filling Jeongguk ears with sweet music he wished he could replay again and again. So he had to enjoy himself before the night ends for you.

His cock was a monster, penetrating your walls. Your cream was dripping down Jeongguk's cock and into the small puddle between your legs. It's so embarrassing to cum so easily.

“Daddyy~~ I’m comingg~~” Tears forming in your eyes while his thrusts are hitting your g-spot every time, harder than before.

“And what do u daddy to do? “ His hand pulled your jaw higher and his other hand grabbed tightly your wrists like u were his prisoner.

“Cum insidee me daddyy~~I want too feel you deep inside my cunt~~” Jeongguk smirked and picked up his hip thrusts making u gasp aloud, mouth open widely and eyes rolled up to heaven as you felt the last and most intense orgasm hitting your climax like magic. Your nails grabbed the wall trying to stay up on your weak legs as both u got high and cummed together.

You almost collapsed on the floor but Jeongguk was quick enough to grab you. He wrapped his hand around your waist and reached down your dirty panties pulling them up. He fixed your clothes and then looked at your doll face.

He bit his lip and gave u a quick kiss on your cheek. He decided that he'll have to make u his. He will take u home tonight even if your shirt hadn't ended an hour ago. He picked you up on his shoulder and exit the club from the back door.

He opened his car, placing you down in the front seat with him and putting his jacket around u to keep u warm. You were sleeping like an angel. Jeongguk hand cupped your full pussy and smiled. “You better take it all in babygirl.”

The end. Hope you enjoyed!

[raefill]

I would legit love to hear you answers to every single question. I don't know if you feel like actually doing them all, but if you did... I'm JUST SAYING I'D READ THE ANSWERS, ok.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?Yeaaaah but my romantic prospects are pretty bleak tbh, I graduate and move away in a few months

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?No, not really. But I’m not mad about it anymore.

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”CUTE BABY CLOSE BY !!!!!!!!!

4: What’s something you really want right now?to cry, i’m having the big sads

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?always

6: Do you like the beach?i love the beach!!!!!!!!! i grew up in a seaside town, the beach feels like the best parts of home

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?yes ?? it was cramped and uncomfortable 

8: What’s the background on your cell?the photo of me, san, kahl, chez, frau, bagel and spags in the louvre

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?mine(right now), Thea’s, Lizzie’s, .. Keir’s?

10: Do you like your phone?yeah but i’d like it more if the screen wasn’t so cracked

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?lol no, it’s definitely not

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?i genuinely don’t remember !

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?rottweiler, i love dogs that look a little mean but have big hearts

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?pffffft, that’s hard to answer but i’d say generally emotional, most of the time it’s harder to get rid of emotional pain

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?both ?! i want to support the breeding of endangered animals that happens in zoos and see the cute animals but also i love a good rembrandt ?!

16: Are you tired?exhausted

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?since i was born

18: Are they a relative?my mother!

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?not a fucking chance

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?a few hours ago, i think

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?i don’t believe there’s a way to know nor do i think love works that way

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?hell yeah i would

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?none!

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?“if you make bad choices, own them” - my dad 

25: What’s on your mind?god, everything, idk im having a high key anxiety day

26: Do you have any tattoos?one pretty big one on my thigh

27: What is your favorite color?black !!!!!!!!!!

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?maybe tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes

29: Who are you texting?uhhh, no one? everyone is asleep

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?yes

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?all the time, my gut rarely lies

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?yes, his name is keir and he’s one of my best friends

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?i mean i’m dating someone so i fucking hope so

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?no ? i dont think ? i’ve had people say they’re big or the colour is interesting but idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?i’d cheer her on

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?yes

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?yes!

38: What do your friends call you?rae ?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?yes

40: Have you ever cried over a text?pffft, yah

41: Where’s your last bruise located?my knee

42: What is it from?i fell over my own computer chair

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?today

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?my mum, i think

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?not right now, most i just wear my plain black docs

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?no, i just tie is back

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?no, i really dont like my ears, idk why

48: Do you make supper for your family?yeah, my mum and step dad can’t cook

49: Does your bedroom have a door?ofc it does? what kind of bedroom doesn’t have a door? get these pretentious loft bedrooms out of my face

50: Top 3 web-pages?tumblr, ao3, youtube

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?plenty!

52: Does anything on your body hurt?period pains are all the rage today

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?yeah but i don’t tend to cry until they’ve already left so i look like i take them just fine

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?water......... this morning

55: How is your hair?fine? a bit damaged from the cold weather

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?wish i was still asleep

57: Do you think two people can last forever?yes

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?i dont fucking know

59: Green or purple grapes?GREEN or get out of my face

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?tomorrow~

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?yes

62: When will be the next time you text someone?tomorrow!

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?probably in bed still, but asleep

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.sleeping

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?no, i was getting over the end of a four year relationship

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?no

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?no

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?this sucks

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?many times

70: How many windows are open on your computer?ten! and they’re mostly your fics corey, go figure

71: How many fingers do you have?ten

72: What is your ringtone?i dont know, my phone is always on silent

73: How old will you be in 5 months?22 ~

74: Where is your Mum right now?sleeping in bed probably, idfk, she lives hours away

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?we grew up and grew apart but we were still okay until i had about four-six months of depression where i had to stop myself from doing something stupid daily and he didn’t notice despite us living together and sharing a bedroom (and those times i told him and he shrugged)

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?yes

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?yes! i still love them very much

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?annabelle

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?yes, there’s some grad students in the psych department called mike, they all look kinda the same too

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?yeah, i miss being able to do that regularly

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?more than i can count, my polyamorous ass has a crush on about seven people currently

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?no

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?i’m talking to one of them

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?i’d literally never do this

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?depends which drugs and how often, no one cares about a joint every few months

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?i spilled my popcorn and managed to hide that i had spilled it from my date pahaha

87: Who was your last received call from?my mum, wow it sounds like i talk to my mum a lot more than i do

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?yes, i hate bugs, give me the money

89: What is something you wish you had more of?time, energy, patience, money

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?no, i’m not someone who trusts easily

91: Do you sleep with your window open?only in the summer

92: Do you get along with girls?yes, anyone that doesn’t get on with someone because of their gender is an asshole

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?nope

94: Does sex mean love?hell no, it can be an expression of it but no

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?yeah she wold be freaking the fuck out because she’s locked in a room!

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?no, actually, i haven’t

97: Did you sleep alone this week?yes

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?yes ? 

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?no, not at all

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?one of my besties, holly

[ellana-ravenwood]

One Year - Steve Rogers x Reader

Anonymous requested this (I lost the original message) : 

1. Post Break Up Kiss - The kiss that catches both of you off guard, but says I miss you, I’m sorry and please love me again all at once without any words being spoken.

Thought maybe I should write something else than only the Batfamily haha..So here some love for Cap’ ! Hope you’ll like it :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

__________________________________________________

It had been a year already.

A year since you last saw him.

A year since everything was over between you two.

A year since you sided with your brother, Tony Stark, in what people now called the “Avengers’ Civil War” instead of with him, and lost him forever…

Him. Steve Rogers. Captain America. Your boyfriend…Ex-boyfriend.

Recently things seemed to have settled down between your brother and him, they were tolerating each other again, talking on the phone regularly, and even going to the extent of working together on some missions.

The government finally came to its senses and pardoned the entire “Captain America team”, though they made Bucky go through a lot of…psychological check. Just to be safe. You convinced your brother to forgive the man. If you could do it, he could too…After all, Tony wasn’t the only one who lost his parents this day. Who lost his dear mother…

Yes, things were going for the better between the Iron Man and Cap’…But not between you and him.

You avoided every missions with him, and vice versa. You made sure to never cross his path whenever he hanged around the Avengers’ Tower. You even went quite a bit out of your way (and by that I mean literally taking one of your brother’s suit to escape through the sky) whenever there was even a slight chance he could be around.

You couldn’t see him. Face him. Because you betrayed his trust, you fought against him, and you just couldn’t…You couldn’t bear to meet his eyes, probably full of hatred, or at least disdain, distrust and animosity, towards you.

Because you were still in love with him. But what could you have done ? Fight against your brother instead ? Against the only family you had left ? Besides, he lied too. He knew Bucky was responsible (but not really because he was brainwashed into doing it) for your parent’s death, and withdrew this information from both you and Tony. You two had every right to be mad…and yet, you couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Because ultimately, you agreed with him more than with your brother. You were against signing that contract that bound you to the government’s will. But…It was your brother. Your only family. And even though you were head over heels for Steve, you just couldn’t fight against your own brother.

And so for him, for Tony, you ended the only serious relationship you ever had, you left the only man you ever loved.

****************

Sitting on the floor in front of one of the gigantic window in the Avengers’ tower common room, you sighed as you thought once again (for the billion times in a year) about all this ordeal.

It has been a year, a year exactly today, since you told Steve you would stand by your brother, since you had to fight him and his friends. Your friends too…Could you say ex-friends ? You still talked to Natasha and Clint. To Wanda too. And Sam. Hell, the you even spoke to Bucky a few times in those last few weeks…The only one you never talked to was also the only one you really wanted to talk to.

You were looking at NYC skyline when you heard footsteps behind you…and completely ignored it. You were so not in the mood to talk right now.

-You still don’t use chairs or couches I see.

That voice. Did you just dream it ? It was a voice you longed for so much…You don’t turn around, and your heart beat faster at the sound of his steps getting closer and closer.

He’s right next to you. It’s him, you’re sure of it. But…Is he real ? Or is your mind playing some sort of mean trick on you ? You raise a hand and touch his calf…Oh God, he is real, and you just totally did a really weird thing.

You don’t see the guy for a year, and what is the first thing you do ? Touch his fucking calf…His goddamned extremely muscular calf.

You hear him chuckle and…Oh you missed his laugh. He sits down next to you, and there is no doubt now that he is really here.

He smiles shyly at you, and you find yourself mute. There’s so much you want to say, but nothing comes out. He speaks first :

-I half-expected you to leave as soon as you heard my voice…I gotta say, as always, you’re unpredictable. Was definitely not expecting the calf grabbing thing.

You mumble an answer that he thinks is along the line of : “I was making sure you were real”, but he isn’t sure, because 1. It sounds weird (why wouldn’t he be real ?) and 2. you speak so lowly and unintelligibly that you could have totally said something entirely different.

A silence installs itself, and surprisingly to the both of you, it’s not an awkward one. You’re just both sitting down, in front of the beautiful city skyline view, not saying anything, throwing some glances at each other when you think the other one isn’t watching (but none of you could fool the other, you both caught each glances you gave each others). You finally find the courage to talk :

-Why were you expecting me to leave ?

-Well…You have been avoiding me…I mean. I understand why. At first. But…Things have gotten better between all of us, the Avengers, in that past few months and…Well, I just wanted to see you, but you seemed to evade me whenever I got close.

-I..I wasn’t avoiding you.

-And you think I’m gonna buy that ? (Y/N), I might be from another century, and often lost in your modern World, but I’m not stupid. I know how it looks when someone is avoiding you. You were avoiding me.

-No I wasn’t.

-Yes, you were. Stop being so stubborn.

-I’m a Stark, it’s in my genes to be stubborn.

-Unfortunately. But even your brother talked to me…

Another silence. This time, awkward and heavy. What could you tell him ? That you just couldn’t face him in fear that he would be cold toward you ? Or just because the thought of not being with him, not being his anymore, was just unbearable ? So you’d rather avoid him, than suffering ? You just couldn’t. He would think you a fool. He would think you were a pathetic piece of…His voice cuts your trail of thoughts :

-I missed you.

It takes you by surprise. What ? He wasn’t suppose to say things like this, things that made your heart race as much as the first time he asked you out. He was suppose to hate you, to distrust you because you betrayed him. You were getting mad at him, because you just didn’t know how to react to such a statement, and you hated not knowing how to react. You were a Stark after all, nothing caught you off-guard ! Or…Almost nothing. It seemed like a certain Cap’ always did somehow. Always. Since the first day you met him.

He shifts next to you, clearly uncomfortable, and you feel his eyes fixed on you…But you don’t turn your head to look at him.

-Aren’t you gonna say something ?

His voice is unsure, it doesn’t have the confident tone he usually convey, the assured intonations, and you wonder why he feels like so. But you still don’t look at him.

-I’m sorry. I really am (Y/N), please, say something.

Sorry ? You’re the one that is supposed to be sorry, the one that betrayed his trust, his love…The one that broke up with him to stand by your brother.

-Is…Is it because there’s someone else ?

Those words finally make you turn your head to look at him, and what you see almost break you. The great and powerful Captain America, right now, looks weak, beaten down, worried…heartbroken. Why does he look heartbroken ?

-What ?

Is the only thing you find to say. Stupidly at that. With your mouth open, and eyes wide. You must look ridiculous…It’s his turn to avoid your gaze, and he says :

-It’s alright. If there’s someone else I mean. I was stupid enough to let you go. I deserve it.

What the hell was he doing ? His words confused you, because in your head, you accepted a long time ago that there was no hope to ever get back with him.

-I see you’re back at the “not saying anything” point…I…I probably should go.

Go ? No. No he cannot go ! You have so much to tell him ! Apologies to throw at him. A declaration of love, too. And…Once again you cannot say anything. But it’s not because no words come from  your mouth that you cannot do anything. As he starts to stand up, you grab his wrist and pull him back down. He looses his balance, and falls on top of you, catching himself with his hands in extremis so as not to crush you…but you don’t even care about that. Without even realizing it, without even knowing what you’re doing, you grab the back of his neck and drag his lips down to yours.

He doesn’t react at first, and for a millisecond, you’re afraid he changed his mind, you start to regain your senses and to be scared that…He responds. Eagerly. Passionately.  

He rolls on his back, and brings you with him so that you’re now on top of him…because you can rest all your weight on him without hurting him the slightest, you can just lay on him while he can’t do it without crushing you. Besides, it gives him better access to your mouth, your neck…One of his hand is in your hair, the other resting your waist, near the small of your back, while yours are on each sides of his face.

It last a long time. You don’t even notice the tears streaming down your face until he pulls away because he can feel them wetting his cheeks…He sits up, worried, his arms still around you, you sitting in his lap.

-Are…Are you ok ? Listen if there really is someone else and I…

-There’s no one else you idiot, only you. It has always been only you. I’m just...happy.

He cannot hold the sigh of relief escaping his mouth, but still bites nervously his bottom lips (the taste of your lips and saliva still lingers on it, and he’s distracted by it for a minute…you think it’s extremely hot, the way he always kinda bite his lips when nervous). His voice shaking a bit, he says :

-I…I’m glad. I…There’s a million things I want to tell you…That I’m sorry, that I shouldn’t have let you go, I should’ve fight, stayed, I…there’s a million things I want to tell you…

You shush him up by putting your index finger on his lips (he cannot stop himself from kissing said finger lightly, making you smile) and you say :

-Ssshh. There’s also a million things I want to tell you. But not now. Later. For now…Just…I love you.

-I love you too (Y/N). Forever. And I mean it, I…

-Sshhh…Later.

Your lips connect with his once again, and for the first time in a year…

You feel happy. He’s here. He’s back. He loves you. You love him.

There’s a millions things you have to tell each other, but for now, a kiss (an especially passionate one at that) will do just fine.

[remnantoforario]

Toasted Pages

“What are you reading?” One little question. It seems simple enough, but it sets up a chain events that bloom into something quite wonderful.

Pairing: Natsu/Levy

It was a crisp autumn morning. The gentle breeze danced through the streets of Magnolia, caressing the faces of the town's denizens as they joyfully strolled down the stone paved streets.

Making its way through South Gate Park, the air also tickled the leaves in the tree that stood tall in the middle of the park. It also gently moved the leaves on the ground that were no longer attached to branches.

At the root of this huge tree sat Levy McGarden, Fairy Tail's resident solid script wizard  - as well as it’s most avid reader - flipping through the pages of her latest literary escapade. As the azure haired young woman read through each page, she couldn't help but smile.

Whether they history books, maps, or full length novels, Levy always found a certain satisfaction about learning and exploring worlds inside books. To her books offered an insight into how different people saw the world, this in turn helped her gain new perspectives on how she viewed it as well.

Having finished the book she had started just last night, she placed it in her satchel and stood up, stretching her arms over her head with a satisfied smile painted on her face. She looked around, taking in all the sights and sounds of the morning. From the chirping birds flying above her, to the rustle of the leaves beneath her feet. All of it echoed the beauty of nature. 

"It’s really nice out today, but that’s enough sight-seeing. Time to head to the guild." 

She set off.

It was just like any other day inside the Fairy Tail guild hall. Nearly everyone lounged around discussing various topics that ranged from normal guild gossip, to recent job requests, and in some cases who in the guild was dating - though those particular fires were usually stoked by Mirajane.

"I'm so bored!" Natsu whined loudly as he sunk into the bench. "I wanna go on a job already!"

"Can't." Gray denied, sipping the juice in his mug. "We gotta wait until Lucy and Erza get here."

"Why?"

"Erza said she wanted us to do a job together. We haven't been on one as a team since we came back from Tenrou Island." Happy interjected. He was seated on the table that separated the two.

"So? Wendy doesn't have to go." Natsu retorted. "I shouldn't have to either."

"But Wendy and Carla went on a job with Gajeel and Pantherlily a hour ago." Happy reminded.

"If you wanna tell Erza you don't wanna go then be my guest." Gray said.

Natsu thought about this for a moment. After running the scenarios in his head about refusing a request from Erza - most of them ending with him being beaten to a pulp - he quickly backed down from that course of action. 

"Fine." He huffed. “I’ll wait, but I'm sooo bored!"

"Then go bother someone else!" Gray snapped. "Go talk to Mira or something."

"Ok." Natsu lazily agreed. Slinking out from the table, he trudged over to the bar. His boredom still peaked, he let out a pained groan as his head rested on the bar top.

"Something bothering you, Natsu?" Mirajane teased.

"I'm bored."

"Why not go on a job?"

"Can't." Natsu pouted. "Gray said we have to wait on Erza and Lucy."

"Oh yes, Erza did tell me about that." Mirajane remembered. "Did you tell her you didn't want to go?"

Natsu shook his head. "I didn't wanna upset her. She might hit me."

Mirajane laughed. "That certainly is a possibility. How about I bring you something to eat? Grilled meat sound good?"

"Ok." Natsu nodded, his cheeks still puffed out; though he was smiling on the inside. His mood always elevated when food was mentioned.

"Coming right up."

As Mirajane went to prepare his meal Natsu sat patiently on the stool, his arms on the bar top to support his drooping head. He huffed and puffed as he watched the clock on the support beam ahead of him tick away. Erza and Lucy still had yet to arrive. Not paying attention he dropped his head, his forehead slamming the bar top with a loud thud.

"Ow~." 

"Natsu, knock off all that racket!" Macao shouted.

"If you're gonna be noisy then go on a job." Wakaba added.

"I can't!" Natsu fired back. “I have to wait on Erza and Lucy!”

“Then wait quieter!” They both replied. Natsu rolled his eyes and turned around.

“How much longer, Mira?”

“About thirty minutes. Be patient.”

“Patient.” Natsu always heated that word. 

Looking for something to entertain himself for half an hour, his eyes soon fell on Levy. She sat two stools down from him, a small smile on her lips as she turned a page in the book she was holding. 

Curious, Natsu approached her. He slowly leaned in, peeking over her shoulder at the medium sized text she was so giddy about.

Levy was fully engrossed in the story until she felt a warm breath brush past and lightly rufflle her pages. Confused, she pulled back and looked over her shoulder to see a head of pink hair.

"Natsu!" She yelped. "W-what are you doing?!"

"I was trying to read." He replied, a hint of irritation in his voice.

"You know reading over someone's shoulder is rude, right?"

"Really? I don't really read so I didn't know." Natsu said. "Although that does explain why Lucy gets mad when I look at her book." He mumbled under his breath. "What are you reading anyway?"

"Oh this? It's a book I bought in Hargeon a couple of days ago." Levy answered with a small hint of pride. "It's about a boy who goes on a journey to look for his father after his mother dies of an illness. Only 50 copies were published. It's a really rare book."

"Does it have dragons in it?"

Levy was taken aback at the sudden question. "Um n-no. I don’t think so." 

"Does it have explosions?"

"Not that I know of."

"Does it have fighting at least?" Natsu’s interest was rapidly fading.

"Sort of." Levy answered. "But it's more internal than external."

Natsu gave her a quizzical stare.

"It means he fights himself." She elaborated.

"Really?!" Natsu piped up. "Like he has a lookalike or a clone or something?"

"No, I mean he fights with his emotions and growth as a person."

"Oh." Natsu replied deadpan. "That sounds boring."

Levy was slightly offended by the dismissal. “I guess that’s one way to look at it.”

"Natsu!" Mirajane called. "The food is done!"

"Finally! See ya later, Levy." Natsu returned to his stool, his mouth hanging open as Mirajane presented him his meal.

Levy returned to her book, but found herself unable to focus. She knew Natsu didn't mean anything by his comment, but she couldn't help but take it a tad personal. Despite seeing everyone in Fairy Tail as a friend, Levy did at times feel ostracized by being one of the few who regularly read books, as well as being the only one who spent any extended time in the guild's library.

She knew Erza read, but romance books weren't really Levy's preference, especially not the ones Erza was partial to. Mirajane was another well-read wizard, but her literary resources mostly stretched to either cook books, or the same books Erza read. Juvia mostly flipped through books containing what she dubbed "boys-love". Cana dove mostly into drink recipes and - surprisingly - horror novels. Laki's tastes were more into art books and classic literature, the latter of which Levy dabbled in from time to time as well. Bisca tickled her literary fancies with gun catalogs and animal magazines. 

Jet and Droy tried to read one of Levy's books before but were quickly turned off by the dense metaphors and meanings, and that was from the easiest book in her collection. Mostly the only people she talked to about books were Lucy and Freed since they had similar tastes as her, but even that tended to grow stale from time to time.

"So what are you going to do?" Levy's ears caught the cadence of a familiar voice.

"I don't know." Another familiar voice sighed. "He seems like a nice guy, and I don't wanna hurt his feelings."

Sure enough in walked Lucy and Erza.

"Dere you aw!" Natsu shouted, his mouth full of meat.

"Natsu, don't talk with your mouth full." Erza scolded.

"So-"Natsu swallowed. "Sorry. But you guys are finally here. Now we can go on a job!"

"Yeah and Natsu will stop whining like a baby." Gray smirked.

"You tryna pick a fight?" Natsu challenged, his meal having refueled his energy.

"Not really, but since you're offering." Gray walked towards the dragon slayer. The two pressed their foreheads together.

"Now, now you two." Mirajane said trying to calm them.

"Stop now." Erza ordered.

"Hey, Levy." Lucy greeted. During the commotion she decided it was best not to get involved.

"Hey, Lu." Levy replied. "How are you?"

"I'm doing alright. Just another day."

"Really? I couldn't help but hear your conversation when you came in." Levy smirked mischievously. “Sounds like something happened.

"No not really." Lucy looked away with an embarrassed blush.

"Who is he?" Levy prodded, poking Lucy's arm.

"This guy who lives in the building next to me." Lucy sighed, she knew hiding anything from Levy was a waste of time. "We shop at the same market."

"Oh, did he ask you out on a date?"

"Yeah."

"So~?"

"So what?"

"Are you going to go?"

"What?!" Lucy shrieked, her cheeks flushed red. "No, I mean yeah he's kinda cute but I barely know him."

"That's what dates are for right?"

Lucy looked down, her face growing redder. "Yeah but still…" she looked at Levy's hand, seeing the clutched book as an opportunity to change the subject. "Hey, is that the book you bought in Hargeon?"

"This?" Levy raised her hand to look at the book and smiled. "It is." 

Lucy breathed a sigh of relief, her gamble paid off.

"You wanna read it when I finish?" Levy asked.

"Sure."

"So how's your novel coming along?"

"Fine, but I keep getting stuck at the climax…" Lucy began.

"You wanna say that again, frosty?" Natsu challenged Gray.

"Sure, clearly you have too much stupid in your ears." Gray retorted. "I said you whine like a baby. Which when you think about it is an insult to babies."

"That does it!" Natsu pulled back his fist.

"Bring it, dorkmander!" Gray followed suit.

"I said stop!" Erza commanded, but it was too late, the brawl had already begun.

Natsu and Gray struck one another hard on the cheek before resorting to magic. Bursts of fire and ice shot in all directions, quickly flaring and melting away as the two exchanged blows. After a minute or so Erza grabbed Gray by the underwear - the ice wizard having predictably stripped - and pulled him back. 

Natsu smirked at his rival and created a fireball in his hand. "Now you can't move."

"Natsu, don't you dare." Erza’s glare did little to deter the dragon slayer and he threw the ball at them.

Erza and Gray ducked, but to their horror the ball was now headed towards Levy.

"Oh crap!" Natsu shouted.

Mirajane gasped. "Levy, look out!"

Lucy and Levy looked head on at the fireball, both of them screaming in fear. Without thinking Levy held up her book, using it as a shield. As soon as the fire made contact, Levy instantly dropped the book to the floor. She watched in shock as her book turned to ashes before her eyes.

"Levy!" Lucy shouted. "Are you alright?!"

Levy gave no response.

"Levy!" Lucy shook her this time.

"Huh? Lu?" Levy muttered, finally looking at her friend.

"Are you ok?" Mirajane asked.

"Y-yeah." Levy answered. "I'm fine."

"Look at your hands." Lucy said grabbing them. There were slight burn marks on Levy's fingers and palms.

"Thankfully it's not too serious." Mirajane sighed in relief. "Kinana, can you bring the first aid kit?"

"Ok." The purple haired barmaid went to the back.

"Do you see what happens when you fool around in the guild hall?!" Erza roared at an unconscious Natsu. She had captured right after he let go of his fireball and promptly knocked him out. 

"Don't worry, Erza. I'm fine." Levy reassured with a smile. "I know Natsu didn't mean to do it."

"Yeah, but he should still feel bad." Lucy said.

"We can worry about that when he wakes up." Mirajane smiled. "For now let's treat those burns."

"Here you go." Kinana said, having brought the kit.

"Thank you, Kinana." Mirajane graciously accepted it. "Let me see your hands, Levy."

Levy placed them on the bar top and Mirajane quickly treated the wounds. While Levy felt her hands stinging, her real pain lie on the floor in a pile of black ash. Her rare book was gone, scorched at the hands of a careless Natsu Dragneel. While she was angry at what happened, she couldn't bring herself to be angry at him.

"There." Mirajane said after having finished wrapping Levy's hands. "That's all for now. We can ask Wendy to fully heal them when she returns from her job. Are you sure you're ok?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." Levy smiled softly. "Really."

"I'm sorry about your book, Levy." Lucy apologized.

"It's ok. 'll just go back to Hargeon and see if they have another copy."

"By yourself?"

"I'm sure Jet and Droy will tag along."

"Actually." Erza interjected, holding up Natsu’s body. "I have a better idea." 

Natsu walked to the guild hall with a throbbing pain in his head. He remembered nothing after throwing his fireball at Gray yesterday, but he somehow woke up at home this morning. 

Happy told him Erza brought him home, but the exceed refused to give details about everything in between. The only extraneous info Natsu was given was come to the guild hall prepared to work.

Upon opening the doors of the guild he was surprised - and frightened - to see Erza standing in the doorway. Apparently she was waiting for him.

"Good, you're finally here." Erza grinned. "Come, we're just about to leave."

"We're finally going on a job today?!" Natsu exclaimed. “Alright!" 

He eagerly walked to the table where the rest of his friends were. "So what's the job?"

"We're going to stop a dark guild from robbing a wealthy business man in Oak Town." Erza answered. "The dark guild is really strong, so it's been labeled an S-Class quest."

"Really?! S-Class?! That sounds awesome!"

"Indeed." Erza nodded. "The four of us should be able to handle it without  toomuch trouble."

"Yeah." Natsu agreed. "That-wait, four?"

“That is what I said. Yes.”

"We're leaving Lucy behind?" Natsu pointed at the blonde.

"Why did you single me out?!" 

"No." Erza shook her head.

"Gray?" 

Again Erza shook her head in refusal. "Nope, not Gray."

Natsu thought hard about who was staying behind, and came to a realization. "You're going let us go on an S-Class quest alone, Erza?!" 

The redhead sighed roughly.

"You're the one being left behind, idiot." Gray finally said.

"What?" Natsu looked to Erza in disbelief, his eyes hoping his rival wasn’t telling the truth. That wasn’t the case.

"What Gray says is true, Natsu. You're not coming with us." 

Natsu's heart sank into his feet. "But why?"

"Did you already forget yesterday's incident?"

"But Gray started it." Natsu blamed.

"Gray has already been punished for his part in yesterday’s scuffle. You on the other hand still have sins to atone for."

"But…"

"Don't worry." Erza sxmiled. "Just because you're staying here, that doesn't mean you'll be doing nothing."

As if on cue, Levy approached Natsu and the others with a smile on her face.

“Hi.” she greeted.

"You're going on a job with Levy." Erza revealed to the dejected Dragon Slayer.

"What kind of job?" Natsu asked, he was still hopeful that he’d get to fight some bad guys.

"You're going to Hargeon with her to purchase a book. The book you callously destroyed yesterday."

"What?" Natsu whined. "That's so lame! I don't get to fight anyone!"

"It isn't about fighting." Erza said. "It's about taking responsibility for your actions. You burned her book, you help buy her a new one."

"Yeah, but-" 

"Natsu." Erza’s thunderous tone and glare, promptly silenced him. "You're going. Is that understood?"

Natsu gulped loudly and nodded. "Y-yes ma'am."

"Good." Erza smiled. "We'll be on our way now. We will see you once we return." With that Erza, Lucy, Happy, and Gray walked out of the guild.

"See ya, Natsu!" Happy waved. "Make sure you protect Levy."

"Bye, Levy." Lucy added. "Have a safe trip."

"Try and keep Natsu out of trouble." Gray smirked, much to Natsu's annoyance.

"Be on your best behavior, Natsu." Erza said, but it sounded more like a warning. "We should be back in a couple of days."

Natsu and Levy stood in the middle of the guild hall with very different expressions on their faces. Levy was calm about the whole affair, she would have went  to Hargeon no matter her companion so the arrangement really didn’t bother her all that much. 

Natsu on the other hand was crest fallen. It was nothing against Levy, but he would much rather fight a dark guild or even sit around bored than go book shopping.

"Well then, shall we get going?" Levy offered with a smile.

"Yeah." Natsu sighed. "Let's go."

Levy waited on Natsu inside of his home, apparently he had to get a couple of things before they set out. As she sat on his worn couch, she anxiously wished for the clock on the wall to stop ticking. They were going to miss the train if they waited any longer.

“Are you done yet?”

“Almost. Just give me a second.”

When Natsu finally finished his search for a fish of all things, they jogged to the station. Natsu nearly broke into a full run but slowed down for Levy's sake.

They headed straight for the ticket booth upon entering the station.

"T-two tickets for the train to Hargeon…please." Natsu said hesitantly, his stomach started turning knots before they even boarded.

"Ah, I'm sorry, Natsu." The attendant said. "That train left five minutes ago."

"What?!" Levy exclaimed. She forced herself in front of Natsu. "When does the next one arrive?"

"Not until tomorrow I'm afraid. I'm sorry."

"No, it's ok.” Levy sulked.”It's not your fault." 

"Yeah, no sweat.” Natsu smiled. “We'll just walk there, right, Levy?"

"S-sure." Levy nervously smiled back.

"Are you sure?" the attendant asked. "It takes about a day and a half to get to Hargeon on foot."

"Yeah, we're sure." Natsu answered. "Trains suck anyway. Come on, Levy." 

Levy reluctantly followed behind her guildmate as they left the station. As they reached the outskirts of town she felt herself getting irritated.

First he burns my book without apologizing and now he makes us miss the train. What’s next?  

As they came upon East Forest, Levy noticed something was off. They were going the wrong way.

"Natsu." Levy spoke up.

"Yeah?"

“Where are we?”

“East Forest.”

“I know that.”

“Then why did you ask?”

“I-Ok. Stop walking, please.”

Natsu did as he was told. He then turned and faced Levy. “What’s up? I thought you wanted to get to Hargeon before nightfall.”

“I do, but not this way. Tell me something. Do you know how to get to Hargeon from Magnolia?” 

Natsu smiled wide. "Nope, not a clue."

Levy sighed. "Of course you don't." she muttered. 

“I just figured if we kept walking we’d make it there eventually.”

“That’s no way to travel. Just hold on a minute, ok?”

“Alright.” Natsu watched as Levy started fumbling around in her bag. "What're you looking for?"

"This." She pulled out a map.

"Whoa you sure come prepared, Levy." Natsu complimented.

"Well it helps to always know where you're going." She pointed out Magnolia to Natsu on the map. "We’re here, give or take a couple of miles. Hargeon…" she moved her finger left across the map until she found the city marker. "Is here. If we cut through this forest here-"she circled the landmark with her finger. "We should be able to cut a few hours off our time. Although we'll end up pretty far from the market district where the shop is located."

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's get going!" Natsu ran off in the new direction Levy provided.

"Wait up, Natsu! You’ll get lost again!" Levy quickly putting the map back into her bag and ran after him.

Erza and the others disembarked the train in Oak Town. All of them were somewhat anxious about the job, but not for the reason they were supposed to be.

"I hope Natsu's doing ok." Happy worried.

"I'm more worried about Levy." Gray said. "Who knows what kind of trouble that guy will get her in?"

"I know." Lucy fretted. "Why did you send Natsu with her, Erza? Why not Gray or better yet me?"

"This will be an enlightening experience for Natsu." Erza said as the group ventured through town. "Not only will he learn a lesson in responsibility, as far as I know he and Levy have never worked together before. It will be good for him to go on a job with someone of Levy's skill. I also thought that it would give Levy a chance to loosen up some, she's been so rigid since Tenrou Island."

"In that case, maybe you should have sent her with Gajeel instead." Lucy suggested.

"Really?" Erza questioned. "Why is that?"

Does she really not know? Lucy, Gray, and Happy thought at once.

"The client's home is just around this corner." Erza pointed.

"Hurry up, Levy! We're losing daylight!"

Levy huffed as she trudged up the steep hill to meet Natsu. "Not all of us are as nature savvy as you."

"Savvy?" Natsu tilted his head at the unfamiliar word.

"It means to know, or be well versed in something."

"Oh. Thanks.” He didn’t quite understand, but he took it as a compliment anyway. “Here." He offered his hand with a smile. "You gotta see this."

Levy grabbed Natsu’s hand and he pulled her up to her feet until she was level on the hill. 

"What did you want me to see…?" her voice trailed off when she looked out from on high.

Laid before her was the entire forest she and Natsu were walking through for the past few hours. It was breathtaking.

The treetops stood bathed in a golden brown light due to the orange glow of the setting sun. The birds sang as they flew majestically through the air. She felt like she was on top of the world. It was the one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen.

"Come on." Natsu scooped Levy into his arms. "We should find a place to set up camp."

"What are you doing? Let me go." she started to move around.

“If you keep fidgeting I might drop you.” he said. 

“What are you talking about? Just-” 

Suddenly everything started to click. Levy looked down the hill, her heart racing in terror as she looked back to Natsu’s smiling face.

"No, Natsu.” she pleaded. “Don’t-"

"Hold on tight!" 

"Natsu!" Levy shrieked as the dragon slayer took a step, sending them racing down the hill. She gripped his vest tightly, burying her face in his chest as she screamed in terror.

Natsu on the other hand was smiling as wide as he could, yelling and laughing as he snaked through the trees and bushes on his way down. He took a few steps to slow his momentum when he made it to the bottom, finally coming to a complete stop. 

"That was awesome!" He looked down at a frightened Levy, her body still shaking as he held her in his arms. "It's over." He told her.

"What? We're alive." Levy said as she slowly opened her eyes. She looked up to see Natsu smiling at her. Realizing her hand's position on his body she quickly jumped out of his arms and turned away from him. 

"Fun, right?" Natsu asked, his adrenaline still high.

Levy's heart was still racing, but not for the same reason Natsu's was. She turned around, her eyes narrowed in anger. "Fun?!" she shouted. "You could have killed us! Are you crazy?!"

"Sorry about that." Natsu grinned apologetically.

“What is wrong with you?! First you start a fight, then you set my book on fire and burn my hands, you caused us to miss the train, and now you almost go us killed coming down a hill because you wanted to have ‘fun’! Don’t you have any self-control?!”

Natsu’s smile started to fade. It was clear that Levy was in no mood. She had finally gotten fed up.

“Sorry.” He said again, this time with much more sincerity. 

Levy noticed his change in demeanor and turned her back to him. She was still annoyed, but also felt bad herself for blowing up at him. 

"I-It’s fine. Let's just hurry and find a place to stop before it gets dark."

"Ok." 

The unlikely pair found a small clearing to settle down for the night after about an hour or so. 

Levy, always prepared, set up a small tent to sleep in while Natsu started a fire to cook the food he had in his bag. In fact it was the food was pretty much the only thing he had in his bag.

"Is that all you brought?" Levy asked, watching him turn a pig's leg over the fire.

"Yeah."

That short reply was all Levy needed to see how the night was going to go. The entire trip to the clearing was a silent one, with only the occasional question of how far into the forest they were.

Levy expected as much. She had never really blown up at someone like that before. So she had no idea how to speak normally after it.

“Want one?”

Levy was brought out of her head when Natsu offered her a piece of meat. She graciously accepted it if only to appease her growling stomach.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” 

The two sat in silence as they ate. Neither one of them had any idea what to say after Levy’s outburst earlier. Natsu was surprised at how much her words affected him. He had been told similar things by Lucy, Erza, and Lisanna for years but something about Levy saying it made it sting all the more.

Perhaps it was because before this job they hadn’t really talked during their entire time in the guild. He always thought of her as quiet, and kind of passive. So seeing her just react the way she did was a huge shock.

He couldn’t help but look at Levy's hands as she ate. They were still wrapped with gauze, although not as much as yesterday thanks to Wendy's healing magic. He felt a tightness in his gut. Guilt.

"I'm sorry." he finally apologized.

"Hmm?" 

Levy looked up, unsure of what he had said.

“I’m sorry for burning you. You were right I don’t have any self-control.”

“It’s ok.” Levy reassured. “I know you didn't mean to hurt me. I’m sorry for lashing out at you earlier. That wasn’t very nice."

"It’s fine. I deserved it anyway. Lucy and Erza are always getting on me about that type of stuff, but I never listened. Because of that I ended up burning you and destroying your book too."

“It was an accident. I forgive you, but try to be more careful in future, please?"

"You got it." Natsu smiled. “Thanks, Levy.”

"You're welcome.” she reteurned.

The awkward tension between them started to melt away, and they smiled at one another.

“So…" Levy began. "I've been meaning to ask for a while now. What's the deal with you and Lu?"

"What do you mean?" Natsu asked, his mouth still full.

"You know what I mean." Levy prompted.

"Not really."

Levy sighed. I forgot how clueless he is. "I mean do you like her?"

"Yeah." Natsu answered plainly.

"Really?" Levy gasped with widened eyes.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I? We're friends and we're on the same team."

Levy's excitement slowly petered out. Wait. "Do you like, Erza?" she asked in an attempt to confirm her suspicions.

"Yeah."

"Happy?"

"Of course."

"Gray?"

"I don't hate him…much."

Levy sighed heavily as her shoulders dropped in disappointment. I should have known he meant as a friend. 

Just then a light bulb went off in her head. She smirked mischievously. Let's try this one. 

"Do you like Lisanna?"

Natsu nearly choked on his food. "W-what?!” he spat “Where did that come from?!"

"You two have been joined at the hip since we were kids. It only makes sense that you would like one another." 

"That doesn't mean anything." Natsu looked away a blush on his cheeks. "She just followed me all the time. It was annoying."

"That's what all boys say about the girl they like." Levy teased.

"Oh yeah? What about you and Gajeel?" Natsu countered.

"What about me and Gajeel?" It was now Levy's turn to blush.

"You two hang around each other every day at the guild. What's up with that?"

"Nothing's 'up with that'." Levy retorted. "Gajeel doesn't have many friends at the guild. I'm just being nice."

"That's not what Mira says." 

"What did she say?!"

"She said you guys hang around each other because you're in love."

"We are not!" Levy shot up from her seat on the log, her cheeks growing redder by the second. 

Natsu started laughing. This only agitated her more.

“What’s so funny?”

"I've never seen you so fired up before.” he chuckled. “It's kinda nice."

"Nice?" Levy was confused.

"Yeah. It's kinda cool to see you like this. I always thought you were kinda shy and timid, but I was wrong. You’re pretty cool, Levy"

"Thank you...I guess" She sat back down. "No one's ever really said that about me before. I always though you were just a hot head that picked fights and got into trouble just for fun. I was actually a little afraid of you."

"Oh.” Natsu was slightly offended by this. “I mean yeah I like to fight, but I don’t like getting in trouble. You were afraid of me?”

“I wasn’t terrified or anything, I just didn’t think I could approach you. We really don’t have anything in common other than being in the same guild.”

“Is that not enough?” Natsu asked genuinely. 

Levy thought for a moment. Just because they were in the same guild doesn’t mean they had to have the same hobbies. Fairy Tail was a place where people from all over could come together and be welcomed as a family. The reason it was such a good place to be was because everyone was so different, besides it wasn’t like she hated talking to Natsu. If anything she enjoyed the conversation they’d had a few minutes ago. 

She smiled. “I guess it is.”

Levy followed after Natsu, the pair passing through numerous trees and shrubs as they inched closer to the edge of the forest.

The longer they walked and talked the more comfortable they found themselves around each other. The initial awkwardness had worn off, allowing a more comfortable atmosphere to rise between them. 

He had his own way of seeing and doing things Levy noticed. His philosophy on life was much more free spirited than the solid script wizard's more controlled one. She likened it to Gajeel's in a sense, but Natsu's personality was much more open and inviting than the mostly moody Iron Dragon's.

"Hey, Levy, why do you like books so much?"

"I’m not really sure." Levy answered. No one had ever asked her that question before. 

"I suppose it’s because books let you explore all kinds of worlds and meet all kinds of different people just by telling stories. Do you not like books?"

"It's not that I don't like them." Natsu said as he moved a branch from in front of his face. "I just kind of find them boring. I mean I like to see stuff and meet people on my own. If I look at a book too long, I get sleepy."

"Igneel taught you to how read, right?"

"Yeah, but he only taught me basic stuff like names of people, places, and foods. Erza taught me everything else."

"I bet that was an interesting lesson." Levy joked.

"Yeah." Natsu grinned. "She was really strict and really scary."

"I can imagine." the scribe laughed.

"Achoo!" 

Erza sneezed after dodging a beam of fire. She dashed ahead in her flight armor, taking out a group of dark wizards standing in her path. 

"I hope I’m not coming down with a cold." she sniffed.

"So, do you really not like Lisanna anymore?"

"I don't know." Natsu blushed. He was obviously still embarrassed about the subject. "Things got weird when she came back from Edolas."

"Weird how?" Levy prodded.

"Things just feel different. I mean we're still friends, but not like we used to be. I can't explain it."

"I see. I'm sorry for bringing it up again."

"It's fine. What about you and Gajeel?"

"Well to be honest." Levy looked down with a sad smile. "I don't know either. I think I like him, but I don't think he notices me most of the time. Even when he does I feel like I just annoy him."

"That guy can be pretty annoying too."

"Tell me about it." Levy giggled. "I guess you and I are kindred spirits when it comes to this stuff."

"You use a lot of big words."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Levy apologized again.

"Don't worry about it." Natsu waved. "Erza keeps telling me to learn new things anyway."

"Well then, if you need a lesson. Just let me know."

"Will do." Natsu said. He stepped out of the forest, the sun shining in his face as he looked upon the outskirts of Hargeon. "We finally made it!" 

"It looks like we ended up downtown." Levy observed as she and Natsu walked into the city. "I think the marketplace is down this road." She pointed to a road on the left.

"Lead the way." Natsu said.

The pair continued on into the marketplace, eventually coming upon a small book shop tucked away at the edge of the street corner. One would have missed it easily if they weren't looking for it.

"This place is so small." Natsu said.

"Yeah, but it has a ton of books." Levy smiled. "Come on, let's go in." 

Natsu was amazed when he stepped inside the store. It was much bigger on the inside than it was on the outside. Bookshelves lined the wall as far as the eye could see.

"Whoa." He muttered as he walked down the aisles.

It wasn't as big as the guild's library by a long shot, but the dragon slayer still found himself oddly captivated by the number of tomes. Big books. Small books. All were categorized by their genre. He ventured to the back of the store and soon found himself in the history section. He scanned through all the titles on the spines, his eyes widening when he saw something he didn't even know what he was looking for. He took it and sprinted to the front counter.

"Levy!" 

"Keep your voice down, Natsu." She hissed, the book she came for was already in her arms. "We're not the only people in here."

He looked around, seeing the glares of all of the other patrons in the store. He scratched the back of his head, letting out a nervous laugh. “Sorry.”

"Now what were you yelling about?"

"I found this book. I think I want it." He held the tome up so Levy could see it.

"Dragons: The Miracles in the Skies. That looks like a book you would be interested in. Ok then.” She took it from him and put it on the counter along with hers. "We'll take these two." She said to the cashier.

"Alright that'll be 7500 jewel." 

"Wait, Levy, you don't have to-"

Levy ignored him and handed the cashier the money. "Here you go." 

"Out of 8000." He gave Levy her change and her books with a smile. "And here you are. Come and see us again."

"Thank you. I will." Levy smiled. "Come on, Natsu." 

"Right." 

The two left the store and entered the street.

"I got lucky." Levy said as she looked at her book. "This was the last one they had in stock." She then handed Natsu his book. "Here you go." 

"You know you didn't have to buy this for me."

"Yeah, but think of it as a thank you gift for coming with me."

"Oh, ok." Natsu acknowledged with a smile. “Thanks, Levy.”

“Don’t mention it.” 

Things went back to normal almost as soon as the pair returned home. Natsu went on jobs with his team and being rambunctious, while Levy resumed her normal time reading her books and going on occasional jobs with Shadow Gear. 

Levy expected this to happen, but couldn’t help feel a little saddened about the situation. Nonetheless she carried on as she normally, though she did notice that Natsu wasn’t as willing to start fights anymore. 

Lost inside another book, Levy barely noticed as a shadow slowly began looming over her. A small grin pulled at her lips as she looked up. 

"Hi, Natsu."

"Hey, Levy." Natsu smiled. "Reading another new book?"

"Yeah." 

"What happened with that other one?"

"I didn't really like it." She answered. "It got a bit too full of itself near the end."

"Oh." 

Levy knew he had no idea what she was talking about, but she chose not to call him out on it. "Did you like the book you picked out?"

"No." Natsu sighed, taking a seat next to her. 

Surprisingly she was ok with this, though their close proximity to one another caused the azure haired maiden to blush slightly. 

"I don't think that guy who wrote that book has ever seen a dragon before." Natsu complained. "Igneel never did half of that stuff that book said."

"Well Igneel's not the only dragon out there, right?" Levy chuckled.

"Yeah, I guess you're right.” He leaned in to Levy, causing her to blush even harder. "What you readin’?"

"A-a book about a man and his journey to catch a supposed legendary fish." Levy said.

"I bet Happy would like this book. What's that word say?" He pointed at the page Levy was currently on.

"Translucent." Levy answered.

"What does that mean?"

"It means-"Levy stopped speaking when she turned her head. Natsu was staring directly at her, his eyes wide with curiosity and wonder as he waited on her answer. It unnerved her a bit, but not in a bad way. "It means clear."

"Then why didn't they just write that instead of the hard word?"

Levy smiled softly at his innocence. "Because that would be too simple, I think. They're trying to create an atmosphere. It's supposed to intrigue you and challenge you into reading more."

"That might be a tough challenge for me then." Natsu admitted.

"Oh? Giving up already?" Levy teased.

"Never." Natsu declared proudly. "I can beat this guy."

"You can't fight a book, Natsu." Levy giggled. "Do you want to read this with me?"

“Can I?” His eyes widened.

“I don’t see why not. Books are better whn you share them anyway.”

“Awesome. Let’s read then.”

“Alright.”

When they started it was clear Levy read through the pages much faster than Natsu did, but she decided to slow down just a bit and hold the pages until he was done. Even though he struggled with most of the words, Levy found Natsu's commitment and determination endearing. So she had no qualms with helping him pronounce and define them as he asked.

"Hey, Levy…"

"Yeah?" Levy answered as she flipped the next page.

"Can you take me to that book shop again? I want to buy another book."

Levy's eyes widened in surprise, but when she saw Natsu looking over the page they were on she settled into a warm smile.. 

"Sure. Just tell me when."

This is essentially a reworked version of the same story I wrote on FF.Net a couple of years ago. If you want you can check it out here

[sommertagshimmelblau]

If I don't have you

A/N: This is my first fic for Sonny. It’s based on this. I wanna thank @ghostofachancewithyou and @portal-cat who encouraged me to write this. I’m sorry if there are errors. I tried my best, but English is not my first language.

Sonny x reader (first person narrator); I tried my best to make it gender neutral

t/w: mentions of sexual assault, drugs and Angst

2185 words

This is a terrible idea, I thought to myself, taking deep breath as I played with the hem of my shirt nervously. I felt so uncomfortable while waiting for the suspect at the bar, wondering why I agreed on being a decoy in the first place, but when I looked across the room, I remembered.

It all started back in spring, when I moved to my new apartment in Manhattan. Right on the day I was moving in, I met my new neighbor from across the hall. This tall, blond, lanky man walked down the hall, just when I was about to be slayed by a huge and heavy moving box. He saw me struggling, so he lent me a hand and grabbed the box.

“Whoa, easy”, he said with a smile.

“Thank you,” I sighed, “That box is not exactly handy.”

“Are you moving in here?”, he asked, taking the box.

“Yes. Just moved here,” I answered, “Um, you don’t have to hold the box, you can give it back to me, by the way.”

“Or I could put it in your apartment before it actually slays you,” he suggested. This was so nice of him. I smiled and nodded.

“Alright. Come in and put the box on the kitchen counter, please.”

We made our way around the towers of moving boxes to the kitchen where he finally put the box down.

“Thank you so much for helping me.”

The man replied: “No problem, now that we’re neighbors. I’m Sonny.”

We shook hands and my eyes met his bright blue ones.

“I’m Y/N.”

“So, are you new in the city?”, Sonny asked. His gaze was fixing me.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Well, welcome to New York then.”

He smiled, I smiled and that was the beginning of our friendship.

Once I moved in, I met Sonny in the hall from time to time. I really liked meeting him, because I enjoyed talking to this polite, sweet and caring person. Often we would talk to each other for a while, until one time I finally had the guts to ask him, if he could show me the city. He agreed and the two of us had a great day, learning about each other and the city. We became friends, started hanging out more often, having dinner that Sonny prepared, watching our favorite movies. Soon we became close, best friends even. The more I got to know him the more I liked him. His stupid Staten Island accent, his slicked-back hair, his dimples, his blue eyes, his clumsiness, but most of all his beautiful soul, that he was compassionate, sensitive, faithful, honest and caring.

I had never met anyone like him before.

One night we were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking wine, chatting about our everyday life and looking at each other. Somehow that moment was everything. Just being with him, doing nothing significant.

“This is a terrible idea,” I muttered to myself. I was a decoy at a shady bar, waiting for the suspect in a way too revealing outfit and way too uncomfortable shoes. I was so awfully nervous and turned my head to look at Sonny who was sitting at a table with Amanda. He looked me in the eye, nodding slightly, reassuring me. I took a deep breath.

I agreed on playing the decoy because Sonny asked me to, or rather his Lieutenant asked him to ask me. They asked me because I would fit into the suspect’s pattern, plus I was an amateur dramatic which came in handy in order to decoy someone. I hadn’t even thought this trough, without hesitation I had said yes. I just wanted to help him catch the suspect SVU were after for a few months. Sonny had told me briefly how much this case bothered him, but he never told any details of it, because he didn’t want to worry me, at least that’s what he had said, but I knew that he just didn’t want to worry himself by taking his work home. But yet here I was, the one to decoy the suspect.

Before going to the bar Sonny and his Lieutenant prepared me. They told me how to act, what to say and what to do. I should try to be relaxed and act like this was a real date and not some top secret police matter. I was told that they’d look out for me, protect me.

“Remember, you’re wired. Nothing can happen to you, we’ll be here all the time,” Lieutenant Benson told me, “Carisi, Rollins and I are gonna be around all the time.”

The suspect was considered a date rapist who met his victims through various dating apps. The police set up a date with him where they wanted to catch him.

Finally the supsect showed up. I waved as I saw him. He was tall, dark and handsome, well dressed and looked like he couldn’t hurt a fly. He didn’t look dangerous at all. That’d got to be why he got away with it in the first place. But this time he wasn’t going to get away with anything. I was determined to get this right, I was determined to catch this guy. This man was a threat.

He came to my table. He walked with such smugness.

“You must be Y/N,” he said with a confident crooked smile.

“Yeah, so you are Joe. Nice to meet you.”

He sat down and we started to talk.

“Are you doing this regularly, meeting people at bars?”, I wanted to know, trying to sound funny.

“Sometimes,” he grinned, “But no one has ever looked as beautiful as you do.”

“Thank you. You’re very handsome yourself. I never thought I’d ever try online dating, but as I can see, it’s not that bad after all.”

I tried to shake my nervousness off. We made small talk until he asked me if I wanted to get out of here. No, that was totally not going to happen.

“Oh, um, I’d rather stay here,” I said calmly with a smile.

I explained that I didn’t want to leave quite yet and wanted to have one more drink. He seemed to be a bit surprised or bothered, but played it off with that smugly grin. So we talked again, we talked a little about our jobs. He professed to be a broker and told me about stocks and stuff. He tried his best to lure me, but I played hard to get. It felt like a hunt and he thought I was the prey, but little did he know, I was actually preying on him.

“I’m gonna get us some more drinks,” the suspect suggested. Oh no, no drinks, I needed to have a clear mind, alcohol wasn’t exactly a good choice, but I also needed to play along.

“That would be nice, but only a white wine spritzer for me, please. ”

He went to the bar to get some drinks. Amanda stood up and went to the bar too, in order to see if he would put something in my drink.

Joe came back, Amanda following. She shook her head. I was confused for a second. That meant the drink must be clean, right? I took a big sip. It didn’t taste strange or anything. Some minutes passed, when suddenly I started to feel weird.

“Excuse me for a sec, please. Be right back,” I said and left the table. So I went to the bathroom. I felt really tipsy already, which wasn’t normal for me after only one drink. Right as I went into the bathroom, Joe grabbed me from behind and locked the bathroom door behind us. He pulled me in, one hand sliding between my legs. I started to freak out, but my body didn’t react. I couldn’t fight back. This must have been only a few seconds, but to me they felt like forever. I thought I was going to be raped. It took all my strength, but I yelled. “No, stop it!” That’s when Sonny and Benson came rushing into the bathroom.

“You’re under arrest,” Benson told Joe while Sonny cuffed him and walked him off.

“Are you okay?”, she asked me. I looked at her, eyes wide open in shock. I couldn’t believe what just happened. Suddenly I felt even dizzier and blacked out.

When I woke up, I found myself in a strange bed. At first I couldn’t realize where I was, I only saw Sonny. He was resting his head on the bed next to my arm. He seemed asleep. I sat up. The movement woke him, so he raised his head to look at me sleepy-eyed.

“Where are we? What happened?” My voice was low, only a whisper. I felt weird, I didn’t know really know where I was or how I got here.

Sonny groaned and yawned before looking at me with concern. “We’re at the hospital. You passed out. Do you remember anything that happened at the bar?”, he asked softly.

Suddenly I realized the needle on the back of my hand and the infusion next to me. I looked at him, totally confused and worried.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, Sonny. I remember waiting for the suspect. When he showed up, we ordered drinks.” I talked slowly, trying to recall last night.

“Go on.”

“I… I don’t… after that it’s blank. Sonny, what happened?” I started to panic, feeling anxious, so I clasped to the blanket.

Sonny noticed my tension and looked at me with a pained expression. He took a deep breath before speaking. “He drugged you. Rollins tried to warn you, but…,” he interrupted himself.

Wait, what?

“How could that be possible?” I was perplexed.

“I don’t know. I’m so sorry. I never should have asked you to play the decoy. Never. It’s all on me.” Sonny’s eyes started to water, so he looked up to the ceiling to suppress the tears. “I’m so terribly sorry, Y/N.”

I didn’t know what to think or feel, so I took his hand and squeezed it tightly. I just needed to hold his hand to hold on to something or someone. He looked so guilty. I couldn’t stand seeing him like this. I couln’t even blame him for what happened.

“Sonny, it’s okay. I said yes to playing the decoy. I’m not blaming you for whatever happened.”

He gazed at me, pulling his hand away. “No, no. I gotta leave. I’m sorry,” he stated standing up, taking his coat. Then he left.

Why did he have to leave? What was wrong? I was so confused and scared now that he let go of my hand. The gravity of the situation hit me hard. I had been drugged and god knows what happened after

“Carisi, what’s the matter? Did they react badly?” I heard Amanda asking him.

Sonny didn’t close the door properly, so I could hear them talking to him in the hallway.

“No. They..”, he stopped, “They weren’t even mad. I’m the one responsible for them getting hurt… I don’t know what to do now. I think, I can’t look them in the eyes ever again.”

“What? No. Carisi, are you really that blind? They’re in love with you,” she told him.

“That can’t be true,” he stuttered.

That was my thought exactly. I couldn’t be in love with him, could I? We were friends. But Amanda’s words caused an epiphany. I realized that I really did love him. I loved him and his stupid Staten Island accent, his slicked-back hair, his dimples, his blue eyes, his clumsiness, but most of all his beautiful soul, that he was compassionate, sensitive, faithful, honest and caring. I didn’t know how this happened, but now I knew. I loved Sonny Carisi.

“Well, it is true. I saw the way they look at you,” Amanda stated.

“No, Amanda. We’re just friends. You must have gotten that wrong.”

“Do you have feelings for them?”

You heard footsteps and then Amanda yelling. “Carisi, where are you going?” He must have left. Amanda entered the room.

“Hey, how are you doing?”, she asked with a smile.

“Is he gone?”

I tried to breathe slowly, tried not to seem like I cared. Amanda looked at me and stepped closer to the bed.

“Yes, he left.”

I didn’t want to say it, but said it anyway.

“I overheard what you were just saying. That I’m in love with him.”

I interrupted, took a little time to think. Amanda looked concerned.

“Is it true?”

“It is. It is. I love him.”

Right as I had said the words out loud I started to cry. Everything was a mess now.

[5hfanfiction]

you keep robbing my heart like a bank ~camren~ 8/?

i guess trigger warning for a little violence.

~~

After they spend a couple more hours at the mall and grab dinner together, they part ways, Zayn offering to drive Camila home so he can find out all the details of her new (old) crush.

He asks Camila how she’s going to woo Lauren, but she replies that she wants to start with just getting close to the girl first, never mind asking her out. Zayn, in true Zayn fashion, jokingly calls her a pussy, and Camila, in true Camila fashion, punches him in the arm.

The amount of relief Camila feels from being able to talk about her crush with Zayn has her mentally berating herself for not doing so earlier. She had informed Dinah first at the beginning of their junior year and Normani had found out sometime during that year’s winter break, so she’s not sure why she never told Zayn.

He’s kind of her person and she almost feels like an asshole for the situation coming across like she didn’t trust him. If he thinks that, though, he doesn’t comment on it, for which Camila is extremely grateful.

Camila is aware that Lauren and Zayn are pretty close, and she’s happy that the girl is coming out of her shell and making new friends. Zayn had told her that Lauren and him text quite regularly, not about anything too personal or deep, but mostly just regarding art or something they have in common. She knows he’s being 100% honest with her and also giving her an opportunity to tell him to back off if she wants.

When Camila instead encourages him to keep being a good friend (he laughs at her emphasis on the word friend), he smiles gratefully and Camila doesn’t feel that familiar twinge of jealousy anymore. She’s not going to go preventing people from being friends for her own selfish reasons, and she trusts Zayn to set the clear boundaries between friend and crush.

Call it weird but, like she said: he’s her person.

~~

The first two days of the next school week go by pretty uneventfully. The only difference is that Zayn is playing his part as both wingman and obnoxious best friend, teasing Camila about her crush whenever Lauren isn’t paying attention. Camila would get mad at him but he’s also talking her up to Lauren and just all around being generally supportive, so she can’t complain.

Wednesday comes around (also known as the day Camila gets to see Lauren in gym shorts) and at this point they’ve all officially made the move to crowd one lunch table together. It’s a tight fit because technically there’s only eight seats and they have nine people, but they’ll usually just squish three people onto one bench.

Currently, Lauren is talking up a storm with Ariana who’s paying rapt attention and Camila can’t help but feel happy that the girl is getting along so well with her friends. In just the few weeks they’ve known each other, Camila has already seen a lot of growth in Lauren with the way she interacts with people who aren’t Ally or Tori. The girl still stutters around Camila sometimes, but she chalks that up to the fact that Camila shamelessly flirts with her. Plus, Lauren has been getting bolder in initiating conversation and contact which has Camila’s heart soaring. The girl is definitely more confident in texts than in person, but Camila knows that with time and encouragement, Lauren will improve even further.

Just as Camila is about to join in on the conversation, she feels two hands pressing down on her shoulders and gets a whiff of too much Axe body spray. Sighing to herself, Camila turns around to see Austin and Brad looking down at her.

“What do you guys want?”

Austin’s soft smile disappears and he looks kind of upset instead. “You haven’t really been talking to us lately… I mean, we are friends, right? Or at least we were.”

Shrugging off Austin’s hands, Camila scowls at him. “I don’t know, Austin, are we? The only reason I’m even talking to you right now is because we have a lot of mutual friends and we’ve known each other for so long. But you know that I’m still pissed at the both of you for what you did.”

She nods her head towards Lauren and only then notices how the girl has shrunk down into her seat and is fiddling anxiously with fingers.

“I know, I know, and we’re sorry for all of that, really. It’s just, we miss you. I miss you,” Austin explains, holding eye contact with Camila. She frowns and looks away because apparently the boy still has a thing for her.

“That’s good and all but that doesn’t excuse your past behavior.”

“Look,” Brad butts in. “Just… give us a chance to prove that we’re truly sorry. We want our friends back. I mean, Zayn won’t even look at us anymore.”

“Yeah, that’s because if I do, I’m going to knock your fucking teeth in,” Zayn seethes as he clenches his fists.

Widening his eyes slightly, Brad turns back to address Camila instead. “Just one chance.”

“Please?” Austin adds.

As angry as Camila was with the two for what they did to Lauren, they had (have?) been her friends since elementary school. Maybe they’re serious about turning over a new leaf.

“I mean… I guess I can give you on–”

“Yes, thank you so much, Mila,” Austin says as he grabs her hand between his.

She glances over at Lauren who still hasn’t moved a muscle and yanks her hand away. “Wait a second,” Camila commands as she turns to the girl. “Lauren,” she whispers. “Hey, Lauren.” The girl still won’t look at her so Camila leans in, gently placing a hand over Lauren’s fidgeting ones. “Lo.”

Lauren finally gazes up, apprehension swimming in her green eyes. They widen slightly at the new nickname but Camila chooses to ignore it for the time being (because she needs to be thinking about comforting the girl, not about how much she likes her). 

“How do you feel about this,” Camila whispers so that only they can hear.

“Uh…”

“If this is making you too uncomfortable, just say the word and I’ll tell them to go away.”

Lauren shakes her head sharply, her brown hair swinging around her face. “No, Camila, uh, that’s okay. Th– they’re your friends… I wouldn’t, um, want to do that t—”

“They’re not my friends if you feel uneasy around them. Be honest with me. I care more about you than them, alright?”

Biting her lip hesitantly, Lauren looks down to where Camila is still covering her hands. “Um… I don’t think I can, um, deal with them right now so, m– maybe not… uh, not today.”

Camila focuses back on the two boys standing behind them. “We’ll talk about this later, okay? Alone. Because you’re making Lauren uncomfortable, so I think you should leave.”

“But–” Austin starts.

“Are you fucking stupid? She told you to fuck off,” Zayn snaps as he shoots up from his seat furiously.

“Alright, alright. We’re going,” Brad says as he tugs on Austin’s arm. He’s standing in a defensive position, glaring at Zayn, and the last thing they want is a fight in the middle of the cafeteria.

Brad pulls harder, snapping Austin out of his stance. “Come on, let's go.”

“I’ll talk to you later, Camila,” Austin throws over his shoulder and glowers at Zayn before he walks away.

It’s only once the conflict is over that Camila notices how tightly Lauren is squeezing her hand in worry.

“Hey, Lo, it’s okay,” Camila comforts, placing her other hand on Lauren’s to ease the girl’s tension.

“Mila, what the fuck were you thinking?” Zayn demands as he stands behind their bench.

“Look, just relax, okay? They’re right. I’ve probably known them for the longest. They did apologize for their actions so mayb–”

“Fucking hell. Did you forget that they bullied Lauren for years? One little apology and everything is okay? I don’t care if I was friends with them before; assholes like them don’t deserve a second chance.”

Camila glances at Lauren who is still gripping her hand with her head hanging down. “Okay… yeah, you’re right. I’ll straighten everything out later.”

“Good,” Zayn huffs, returning to his seat.

Everyone else at the table had stayed quiet to avoid causing any more problems, although they’re all aware of the situation. Austin and Brad were half the reason that even Shawn and Ariana started joining them for lunch. Those two, as well as Dinah and Normani, were informed of how the two boys had been mistreating Lauren and the four promptly stopped associating with both Austin and Brad. To be honest, today was the first time that any of them had spoken more than five words to the boys since the day Camila had caught them bullying Lauren.

“I’m sorry, Lauren. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen.”

Looking up and biting her lip, Lauren shrugs as she fidgets with Camila’s hand. “You’re right though. They were your friends before I wa– um, I mean before you knew me. I… I don’t expect you to forget them just because of m– me.”

Camila frowns because she doesn’t like how Lauren worded her sentence. “If they’re assholes, they don’t deserve a second chance. And… Lo, you know you’re my friend too, right?”

“I uh, I didn’t want to, you know… l– label anything or–”

“The only way we wouldn’t be friends is if you yourself said so. Otherwise, nothing is going to stop me from being your friend." And hopefully something more, Camila thinks to herself.

"Really?” Lauren asks as she shyly gazes up at Camila. Her green eyes are sparkling, some of her hair is falling in front of her face, and her bottom lip is caught between her teeth in hopefulness.

Honestly, Camila has never wanted to kiss her more than in this moment.

“Really,” Camila confirms. She tucks the loose hair behind Lauren’s ear and leans forward to place a tender peck on the girl’s cheek. Camila already expects the blush that appears on Lauren’s face and adores how she goes bashful at Camila’s gestures.

Lauren doesn’t let go of her hand for the rest of their lunch period.

~~

Lauren still gets dressed in one of the changing rooms and Camila still drools over how attractive Lauren is in their gym uniforms. They head out of the locker room together and sit on the floor side by side while they wait for the rest of the students to appear.

“Okay, everyone. Who’s ready for dodgeball!” A majority of the students cheer at their teacher’s announcement and are already bustling around to join up with their friends.

“I’m making the teams,” he continues to groans of disappoint. “Come on, everyone. Line up.”

Camila and Lauren end up being put on a team together, which she can tell the girl is relieved about. Grabbing Lauren’s hand, Camila leads them over to their team’s side of the court.

“How do you feel about dodgeball?”

“Um, a little nervous. I, uh, I’m not very athletic, and, well… I don’t want my glasses breaking or anything.”

Camila stares fondly as the girl nudges them back up her nose. “Can you take them off to play?”

Lauren shrugs. “I mean, I could, but… it would be a little harder for me to throw and stuff. I’m not completely blind with out them; like, I can manage. But it’s just not ideal.”

“I see. So basically you can’t drive without them, but you could go swimming without them?” Camila clarifies.

“Uh huh.”

“Everyone grab a ball and get on your side!” the teacher calls out before Camila can reply as he begins tossing the red balls so that each student has one.

“Don’t worry,” Camila reassures with a grin as she catches one of the balls and hands it to Lauren. “Just stay behind me. I’ll make sure you don’t get hit.”

Lauren rotates the ball in her hands, bouncing it a few times on the floor. “But I’m taller than you.”

“Way to make me feel short.”

“Well I mean, you are below average, which is my height: 5'4”.“

Camila snorts. "What, next you going to tell me that you’re smarter than I am?”

There’s silence on Lauren’s end and Camila glances over to see the girl blushing.

“Oh my, god, you were, weren’t you?”

“No!” Lauren splutters. “I– I don’t know what your GPA is! P– plus that would rude.”

Camila shakes her head adoringly, picking up the ball that the teacher rolled her way. “I bet yours is perfect.”

“Well– I mean, I– uh…”

“It is, isn’t it? Why am I not surprised that you’re not only attractive, but you’re smart too.”

“Camila…”

“Man, if only you were athletic too. Then you’d be the perfect girlfriend,” Camila says jokingly, nudging Lauren’s ribs with her elbow.

“I– I could, I mean I wanted to play softball, but I never tried out– I just didn’t feel comfort–”

Letting out a slight laugh, Camila grabs one of Lauren’s flailing hands with her free one. “Lo, relax. I was just teasing.”

“Oh,” the girl breathes out with a giggle.

The instructor’s whistle loudly breaks through their moment. “Everybody, line up!” He pauses as the students shuffle into their positions. “Nothing above the shoulders! I don’t want to see people aiming for anyone’s face, alright? Ready…?” He blows the whistle, and the gym breaks into chaos.

Camila watches as red whizzes back and forth between the two teams, and she can hear shrieking and their teacher calling people’s names as they get tagged out. Lauren immediately cowers behind her, clutching her ball tightly in her arms. Making sure she doesn’t move from in front of Lauren, Camila launches her ball and smiles in triumph when she manages to tag a girl on the opposing team out.

“Lauren, come on, you have to throw your ball.”

“H– here, you do it,” she says, shoving her ball into Camila’s arms.

Camila shrugs, pitching the ball and narrowly missing a boy she thinks is in her biology class.

A ball rolls to their right and Camila sees out of the corner of her eye as Lauren steps out to grab it only to get tagged out by the same boy she just missed before.

“Aw man,” Lauren says, but Camila can tell that the girl is kind of relieved that she’s out of the crossfire now.

“Don’t worry, Lauren. I’ll win this for you!” Camila dramatically calls over her shoulder, grinning at the giggle Lauren lets out.

The girl goes to stand on the sidelines in the ‘tagged out’ group but separates herself from the other students, most likely not comfortable with associating with them.

Turning back towards the other team, Camila snags a ball out of the air as it’s thrown at her and fires it back, smirking when she finally tags the boy out. There’s still several students left, Camila focused on trying to hit another girl out, barely registering the boy she just tagged out reaching for a ball. Just as she ducks to avoid the girl’s throw that goes far left, she suddenly hears a yelp from her right and turns to see Lauren crumpled on the ground, bending over as she clutches at her nose. 

Camila rushes over to Lauren, dropping to her knees in front of the girl. “Lauren, oh my, god, are you okay?!”

She glances up to look for their teacher and catches sight of that same boy snickering to himself while looking at Lauren in pain, but he doesn’t notice Camila’s gaze on him. Narrowing her eyes at him, Camila makes a mental note to herself to take care of him later on when she’s finished helping Lauren.

“No, I– it hurts,” Lauren sobs, blood now starting to seep through her fingers.

Their teacher drops down next to Camila, placing a hand on Lauren’s shoulder as he examines her half-covered face. “What happened, Lauren?”

“A, a ball… it—” she cuts herself with a flinch as the blood starts dripping onto the floor. “It hit my nose.”

Now, Camila is 90% sure she knows who threw it, and if she were thinking more clearly she would tell the teacher so that he could take care of it. But she doesn’t want the boy getting out of this; she wants him to suffer the way Lauren is.

“Do you know who threw it?” the instructor asks.

“No,” Lauren replies with a whimper, clenching her nose tighter.

“Camila,” the teacher says, turning towards her. “Can you take Lauren to the nurse and stay with her?" 

"Yes, yeah, of course.” They both guide Lauren back up, Camila wrapping her left arm around the girl while she grips Lauren with her right hand.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.”

Camila turns to her left to see tears in Lauren’s eyes and a few running down her face. “It really h– hurts,” she cries softly, squeezing her eyes shut.

“I know, baby, I know.”

They’re both silent for the rest of the walk, Camila comfortingly caressing Lauren’s arm while simultaneously brewing in her anger for the boy that did this to her.

Finally reaching the office, the nurse quickly ushers Lauren onto one of the beds and gathers her cleaning supplies. She removes Lauren’s glasses, handing them to Camila to keep safe and begins wiping off the still dripping blood.

Lauren whimpers as the nurse touches her face and Camila doesn’t waste a second before reaching out for Lauren’s hand, silently encouraging her to squeeze it if something hurts. The girl clutches it tightly between both of her hands, clenching her eyes shut when the nurse has to dab at the blood around her nose. Camila rubs her thumb reassuringly across Lauren’s knuckles, wanting so badly to kiss the girl’s furrowed eyebrows but not wanting to disturb the nurse.

A few more minutes go by until all the blood is cleaned up, only the flowing blood still obvious, but the nurse holds a tissue up to Lauren’s nostrils to stop anything from getting messy.

“Okay, sweetie. I’m going to have to check if your nose is broken, okay? It’s going to hurt a little,” the nurse softly informs Lauren.

Not opening her eyes, Lauren just shakes her head, a grimace still on her face.

“Lo, she has to see if you need to go to the hospital. You have to let her check.”

“N– no, I don’t want…”

Setting Lauren’s glasses down, Camila covers all their hands with her other one. “If it hurts too much, just squeeze my hands, as hard as you need to, okay?”

“I… I don’t…”

“It’s okay, hun. I’m right here. Just squeeze me if it hurts.”

There’s silence for a few moments as Lauren hesitates, then she nods her head slightly and shuts her eyes tighter. “Okay.”

Gently prodding at her face, the nurse checks Lauren’s nose, tenderly feeling the area around it. Even though the nurse is gentle, Lauren still grips Camila’s hands as if her life depends on it. It hurts a little, because Lauren is surprisingly strong, but Camila doesn’t complain because the girl’s pain must be ten times worse.

The nurse finishes her inspection, leaning back with a smile on her face. “Good news, sweetie. Your nose isn’t broken. It will be bruised for a while and it’s going to be tender for the next week, but you dodged a trip to the hospital. I want you to sit up here, lean your head forward, and pinch the bridge of your nose until the bleeding stops. I’m just going to inform your parents, alright?”

“Mhm,” Lauren nods, her eyes still closed.

The nurse walks away, leaving the two of them alone and still holding hands.

“You hear that, Lo? At least you dodged the hospital, right?” Camila asks with a cheeky grin.

Lauren opens her eyes, squinting them at Camila. “Usually I would laugh at your jokes but you’re a meanie so I won’t this time.”

“Yikes. Too soon?”

“Uh huh,” Lauren replies but she still smiles softly at Camila. “T– thanks for coming with me and attempting to cheer me up with your terrible jokes.”

“Always.”

The tissue starts sliding off of Lauren’s face, so they release each other’s hands, Lauren sitting up as she follows the nurse’s directions.

“Hey, Lo, I just have to do something real quick. Will you be okay here? I’ll be right back.”

Lauren looks a little surprised but is mostly focused on stopping the bleeding. “Um, yeah, that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere anyways.”

“Okay. It’ll only take a few minutes,” Camila promises again, exiting the nurse’s office and sprinting down the hallway. It’s the end of the day and she wants to catch the boy before he leaves.

Swinging by the gym, Camila finds it already cleared out so she dashes to the parking lot hoping to catch the kid before he heads home. When she barges through the doors, the boy is walking towards his car, his face buried in his cell phone. He’s all alone and there’s no one else in sight so Camila crosses the parking lot in only a few steps, striding right up to the unaware boy and connecting her fist into his nose.

He drops his phone as he cries out, stumbling backwards and grabbing at his face as blood begins dripping out of his nostrils.

“I know what you did to Lauren! Don’t you fucking dare touch her again, ever! You hear me?!” Camila snarls out as she stares into his watery eyes, clutching the collar of his shirt between her fist. “If I catch you even so much as looking at her, a broken nose will be the least of your worries. And if you’re smart enough, you’ll keep your fucking mouth shut.”

She releases him with a slight shove, stalking back into the school before he can even respond. The boy had a good six inches on her but that doesn’t intimidate Camila because she can defend herself against people twice her size. There’s a reason she has a specific reputation at school.

Camila rushes back to the nurse’s office to get to Lauren as soon as possible, walking in to find the girl standing up from the bed.

“You finally get the blood to stop?” Camila asks.

Not hearing her come in, Lauren glances up in surprise. “Uh huh.”

Camila’s eyes widen because now that all the blood is gone and it’s been a little while since Lauren got hit, there’s a bruise that’s starting to form around the sides of her nose and under her eyes.

“It looks bad, doesn’t it?”

“Painful is what it looks. Does it hurt a lot?”

Lauren shrugs, clutching her glasses in her hands. “Yeah. The nurse gave me some painkillers so I’m just waiting for those to kick in. I’m starting to get a headache, though.”

Pouting sympathetically, Camila steps forward, making sure to hide her bruised knuckles from Lauren. “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need a ride home?”

There’s a grateful smile on Lauren’s face but Camila can tell that the girl is in pain. “N– no, that’s okay, I can drive myself. When I get home my mom is going to try and help bring the swelling down and then I’ll, um, probably take a nap because my entire face is just kind of… throbbing.”

“I’m so sorry, Lauren. I wish it was me instead of you that got hit.”

“I don’t,” the girl replies. “I’m pretty sure you’ve been hit enough times in your life, right? Now at least I know how it feels,” she giggles out.

“Right.” Camila feels a little guilty for resorting to violence once again, but she did it for Lauren. Nobody can hurt the girl like that, deliberately, and get away with it. Lauren doesn’t have to know, and Camila can sleep better knowing that the boy won’t bother Lauren ever again. 

They part ways in the parking lot, Camila thankful that the boy has already left. She forces Lauren to promise to text Camila later about how she’s feeling when she wakes up and if she needs anything. Lauren surprises Camila by leaning in to give her a tight hug, thanking her for looking after her and tagging along to the nurse’s office which has Camila’s stomach doing flips at the initiated contact.

Later that evening, smiling at the adorable goodnight text Lauren had sent her filled with too many emojis, Camila shifts the ice pack that’s resting on her hand. She flinches as the cold seeps into her sensitive skin, but luckily her knuckles didn’t split so hopefully she can hide it from Lauren until the swelling is all gone.

There’s a nagging voice in Camila’s head telling her that Lauren would be disappointed in her. She argues that she did it for Lauren but in reality Camila knows that she let Lauren down, even if the girl isn’t aware that she did. She’s supposed to be working on her issues, not fueling them.

Sighing to herself, Camila drops the ice pack onto the floor and switches out the light. She makes herself a promise to work on that more seriously. But she also tells herself that Lauren is worth all the bruised knuckles in the world.

~~

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[learningtoeatokayagain]

trigger: suicide, attempt, depression, mental health

I started therapy again because of some shit that happened in January. I will get into that. But I have avoided writing about it because I was so fucking sick of constantly talking about it. I was telling professionals everything that happened. Constantly. I was keeping family and friends updated. I was the person that had to be the one to fucking figure out everything and visit and make the plans and make sure everything went okay. So it was a lot of fucking pressure. I couldn’t write about it because I was in the midst of fucking dealing with it.

So I had therapy today and I realized ... like, some shit. haha. So stupid ... not that I realized stuff, but what I said. Anyway, I realized stuff and it was super insightful and helpful. But let me just start from the beginning.

This will be my first time writing about. I tried while it was going on. I wanted to make a zine about it, but I couldn’t muster it. I was kind of upset by that. I just was so fucking drained. I just couldn’t fucking do it.

On January 20, I went out with a couple friends from work (and yes that was the inauguration date and I’m an anarchist and didn’t vote - so it has nothing to do with that). My daughter had called and asked for a ride home, but I had already told her previously that day that I couldn't give her a ride because I was going to go out with friends and drink some beer. She participated in the walk-out at school. The school district had called parents telling them to encourage their kids NOT to walk out, but I was like ummm ... no. Do it. Of course. I had a couple of adult friends who were being allies during the walk-out and asked to keep an eye out, but no one saw her. She had chatted with me on Snapchat and said she hit a cop and how it all felt amazing. So I was like, cool.

I knew she wasn’t feeling herself. I had a feeling something was coming up. I had been asking her daily how her mood was, checking in on her taking her Prozac, and I started her in counseling again. I had also reached out to the school and guidance counselors to see if they could reach out to her and do weekly check-ins. I had called her former counselor, but she was no longer there so I put her on the waiting list for a new person, but kept calling around and eventually found someone and we saw her the night before (the 19th).

I felt on top of shit. Like, knowing I was doing everything I could. I had asked her if she felt how she did when she was hospitalized a couple years ago and she said it wasn’t that bad.

We are close, like I grew up with her. I had her as a teen. It’s always been us. My entire late teens and adult life. I don’t know what it’s like not to have a kid. I never had adult time without a kid in my life.

So, January 20th.

I biked home after a couple of beers and she wasn’t home yet, but she told me she was going to take the bus. I always made sure she had a bus pass or a couple of dollars. Or told her to make sure she had it.

When I got home, I ran my bike upstairs and decided to go to the corner store for some veggies for my rabbits. I ran into her on the street. Odd. She had just gotten off the bus and she smiled and I was like, come with me to the corner store, tell me about the walk-out. Reluctantly she came. Told me the walk-out was super fun and that hitting the cop felt good. We walked home.

She went to her room, as she always does. I went to my room and had texted my boyfriend saying I might come out later to his bar (where he works), but fell asleep (not unusual. However, before I fell asleep, my daughter and I had Facetimed making fun of Hilary Clinton memes (we hate her). Then I fell asleep.

At some point, that night, I woke up to her saying: I took a bunch of pills. I was like, wtf? What? And I was like, wait? Why? She said I needed to call 911. She went to grab her iPad and a book. I panicked, grabbing my shit, and was like, let’s go to the ER. I drove to the Children’s Hospital ER and had no clue where the fuck to go, so parked my car wherever. I went into the hospital doors and I told the guy at the door that she took pills and he told me where to go and I started crying. She was just standing there. Triage nurse called us and asked what was going on and I explained and the nurse asked her why she did it and she said, “to stop the pain.” They took her back into another room and I had to answer some questions, then they told me to go to the waiting room. They also told me that she said she didn’t want me to come back there.

So I am there by myself, crying, amongst other families.

I texted a friend and asked if she could come and she said she would. I also texted my boyfriend and he called and said he would try to get someone to take over his shift. I texted my siblings, one of them told my mom. My mom called me, drunk, of course ... rambling about shit. She kept saying, “God Bless your boyfriend” and I really have no clue why.

I had no clue wtf was going on, so I finally asked and they said they thought I wasn’t there and I was SOOOOOOO pissed. I was like, no I have been waiting in the waiting room for a few hours, no updates, nothing. I got to go back to where she was and she was unconscious, being monitored. From my understanding, she took several Prozac, tylenol, and old seroquel. She hadn’t been taking her meds and was stocking them up. She also was cutting again, I found bloody tissues in her bed when I got home later. They said they checked the rest of her body and just found a few cuts. So it seemed recent. Although I found out later she had been cutting quit a bit.

She was in the ER for a while. My friend left and my boyfriend stayed. They took us back to the family room. They asked me what happened and I explained what I knew. I said all the stuff about me reaching out to school and guidance counselors, getting her back in counseling, checking on meds and mood. They said it seemed I was tried everything. I had the names of the new therapist and her psyciatrist. I was super on top of shit because I was so fucking terrified of like, DCYF getting called. I’m a single mom. I’m a  young mom. I stick out more. Also, I did that stuff because she needed help.

She was transferred to ICU, still unconscious. Her heart was becoming ... I don’t know, the rhythm was starting to become irregular. The team talked to me, again, about what happened and what was going on. They had to give her heart potassium to get it to beat regularly.

I was trying to stay on top of it. I mostly just stood there, answering questions. It was so scary seeing her in the bed in the ICU. She had no clue what the fuck was going on because she was unconscious. I also felt weird because my boyfriend was there and that had to have been an intense situation. They kept referring to him as her dad and we would correct them. She had to be constantly monitored. I ended up going home to try and sleep, but I really couldn’t. My boyfriend stayed with me.

I woke up early to go back to the hospital and she wasn’t awake yet. She was still being constantly monitored. I brought my computer, started my homework, and just sat there. Waiting.

I don’t totally remember when she woke up, but I do remember at one point, she did and saw me and smiled. I couldn’t fucking smile back. I could hardly look at her or talk to her. I couldn’t fucking do it. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. And I couldn’t bear the fact that I was the only person for her at that moment. The only person who could visit and see her. The only person who has been in her life and has raised her. The one fucking thing that I put so much fucking effort into. The most out of anything in my life. More than my fucking self. And all this fucking guilt and shame was there, but it only started coming out recently. Cognitively, I had to just push this through and I pushed my feelings aside.

She was eventually transferred to the floor where minors go before they go to the behavioral unit. She was still on 24 hour watch.

The only thing I could do was offer my physical support. I couldn’t talk to her. I was so fucking confused and angry and sad. I didn’t fucking get any of this at all. Like, WHY THE FUCK? I had tried so much and she wasn’t honest and I am like, the least reactive mom, ever. Of course I get upset and confused and mad, but I am chill. I don’t scream and yell. I cry. But my responses to her are fairly consistent and I don’t judge her. I get why people cut. I get it. I had a fucking eating disorder. I have been insanely self destructive because it helped. And it often felt like they only thing that did fucking help. I get it. I totally get it.

But I never ever wanted that for her. EVER. I don’t want that for anyone. especially my kid. I would rather have my eating disorder back, full-blown, then have her go through all that bullshit.

But again. The only thing I could offer was my physical support. So that’s what I did.

We eventually started talking. She apologized and was crying to me one day, saying she didn’t mean to do what she did. Family from another state called and I think it was helpful for her to hear from her cousin who is a little older who was being super non-judgmental and told her she just wanted her to be okay.

She had (and still has) constant tremors. She couldn’t eat on her own because the tremors were so bad that it caused her not able to open food containers or use silverware. She also couldn’t walk without a walker.

She was transferred to the behavioral unit and was there for a little over 2 weeks. I visited her each day, participated in family therapy, and figured out a plan. I was terrified to have her back. Sharps and pills were locked up (some still are). She left on 40 mg of prozac. One of the psychiatrists had been super upfront with her, which I thought was helpful, but she found it difficult. But on some level, I felt she needed it. One thing that stuck out to me during the whole thing is super random. I visited during game time and they patients were playing Apples to Apples and her and I always play weird. Like, we pick shit that doesn’t make sense and laugh. That’s what we were doing and the psychiatrist pointed out how much we know each other and are in each other’s heads. And it’s true.

Now, almost 7 months later.  I have noticed how incredibly low and bad my anxiety has been lately. My daughter and I did intensive home therapy and now she’s doing OCD outpatient treatment. She’s also on the waiting list for Mindful Teen DBT group.

So I was in therapy today, discussing how I felt lately. My low mood, my anxiety, fixating on shit. Fixating on surface shit. Like ... stuff that really doesn’t matter in the entire scheme of things. Like, one thing is about how I feel my boyfriend lied about a ride he got and it’s like, it doesn’t matter. I don’t get why he lied but I don’t even know if he did lie for sure! It’s just so stupid! My obsession with it. And I’m too scared to bring it up. Mostly ... nervous on my part because I feel like an idiot for being focused on it.

Anyway, I think I started to realize that I didn’t deal much with the emotional part of all of this because I had to like, deal with what was doing on. Like, I had to just deal and figure it out. Plus I was working a full and part-time job and I couldn't quit. I had just started the new full-time job. I just had to push through and do whatever I needed to do to make sure she was alive. And I haven’t fully dealt with how, emotionally, she could have died and I fucking can’t imagine my life without her. Even though being a parent can be completely wretched and awful and so prison-like, I still can’t imagine not having her in my life. I want to die before her. I don’t want her to die before me. I can’t bear the fact that she could have died before me. My therapist also brought up the stages of grief related to this and I never thought of that. And also, how this was super emotionally traumatic for me. On top of that, she’s almost 16 and she’s separating from me, which is healthy and what she’s supposed to do! But how that’s so hard right now because I want to make sure she’s safe and okay. I am also having a difficult time with trust because I don’t always trust what she tells me in relation to her mood and I’m always thinking she might still have pills stocked up and she’s not taking them and she’s just lying to me about everything. It’s hard not to think that she still might want to die.

I also talked about how much I’ve put into being a mom because I didn’t want her to have a shitty life. I wanted her to be okay and I have a lot of guilt and shame, even though I know I literally did everything I could. But it’s so hard to think about how hard I put into this and how it almost ended. And I am a fucking counselor and I have been so open with her about all this stuff!

I also realized that it’s summer and she’s home alone a lot now and that’s hard for me. We worked into this, of course, with the help of her in-home counselor and trust and time. But it’s really hard for me to grasp that she is home alone while I’m at work. I’m not at super ease with it. 

It was helpful to get a grasp on what’s been going on with me. It’s been super fucking hard and I feel now I am getting to the core of these shitty emotions. I drank one a couple weeks ago with my boyfriend and friends and ended up a hot mess that night, crying so hard about all this. I certainly cried when it was going on. But I don’t think I super processed it the way I am now and I have always not written about it much. I tried, but I couldn’t do it because I was so sick of talking about. The details. Those fucking details about everything that happened. I just couldn’t keep reliving it.

It’s fucking crazy and intense how I was just dealing with it when it happened and now it has been come flooding back in a super intense way that I never fucking expected. I felt so on top of the shit and I was. But I just couldn’t like ... handle it emotionally the way I am processing it right now.

I couldn’t access the feelings I have now. And this will be something I will probably have to process off/on for a while. Maybe even my whole life. I’m not sure.

I also got child support recently and it was just like wtf. He hasn’t paid in over 2 years. He doesn’t know about either hospitalized and the suicide attempt.

Fuck.