#but we didn't. you told me that my 'remorse was not genuine' and then blocked me without giving me the opportunity to ...

[july-19th-club]

i've been blocked by this person so they will likely never see this, but in cause they're still looking - i sent you a real apology, that i meant, privately, after i'd had time to make sure i was able to approach it in an adult manner, and you responded by refusing to accept that my apology could be genuine. i don't know if it was my phrasing (i will apologize, and genuinely, for mistakes that i make, or posting things that wind up being cruel or unfair, but i will not participate in the 'grovel or you aren't really remorseful' culture that exists on sites like these. i am sorry that i shared something that hurt you. if i could have had a longer conversation with you, i would. my apology was real, and that is why it was not performative). BUT. because i can now no longer message you, i've decided if i have any chance of reaching out to you i will have to do it in public. if you do wind up reading this, i realize that you likely still will not believe me, or accept my sincerity. that's the nature of online interactions, i guess - we don't really ever know each other well enough to accept good faith from one another when we're mad.

[livelovesimallways]

"Baby Johnson's Arrival"...Pt. 4

(previous)

"Look, I'm not trying to be up in your business like that, but when it comes to our son, I have to know what's up. Sean writing that shit under our post has too many people talking...wondering if he's his real father, calling me a Simp. This is why I don't want him anywhere near you or the baby."

"I know...That's why he's out of the picture." *with a slight attitude*

"But is he really? It's clear he still feels connected, otherwise he wouldn't have done it. You encouraged him by giving MY, son HIS, middle name!" *moves closer*

"I didn't have anyting to do with that. Sean does what he wants. I blocked him so you don't have to worry."

"So you're telling me that its a coincidence they share the name?"

"I know that shit about it being your grandfathers name was a lie. I not mad, I just want the truth Deanna. Maybe we can get you some help for post-partum or at least see what would cause you to do something crazy like that."

"I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. I've always liked the name and decided it would be his a while ago. I swear it's just a coincidence." *growing nervous as he gets noticeably agitated*

"Do I look stupid to you?" *swiftly grabs her face* "I told you before, I don't play when it comes to my kids. Quit fuckin lying! Did you name my son after him!?"

"......Yes!" *teary eyed, now scared*

"Why!?...And I want the truth." *squeezes harder*

"...Okay. I wanted Sylas to know that he was loved before things changed. I wanted to be reminded of what could've been. It was dumb and selfish. I promise he will never know."

After seeing the genuine remorse in my eyes, Mike let me go. I knew it was stupid, but I lied to protect both of us from the truth. Even though he claimed he wasn't mad, I knew there was no way he'd take it lightly. I guess this is my karma for what I did to Dana. I deserved everything that's come to me...Except what happened next.

"I know you're sorry, but do you understand the position you put me in!? Publicly, I look like a fuckin fool! For someone with a Tech degree, you ain't that bright." *pulls out his phone* "Look at this shit!" *grabs her face again*

Ten Minutes Later......

*wispers* "Is that blood?"

"Yeah..." *stares at her* "Shit..."

"Y'all can stop fuckin whispering, It's my blood. Her tooth clipped the side of my finger."

To Be Continued........

Next

[may-self]

A Guide To Identifying An Emotionally Abusive Relationship In Five Types Of Behavior

“You’re a slut, i’ve always known you were a slut, that’s why you’re not good enough to be my or anyone’s wife or have my or anyone’s kids” was one of the things he told me on the last day I saw him, less than a minute later he apologised and promised he didn't mean it only to tell me the same thing again three days later over a long text message after a few missed phone calls.

Although my first reaction to this was to think it was absurd and silly, I later allowed it to sink in, I questioned where those words came from, why he thought those particular words would hurt me and why, after everything had been said and done, he wanted to hurt me?  The more I thought about it the less sense it made except for the fact that he knew that kind of words would in fact make me think.  

“You’re an emotional abuser” was one of the last things I told him but it was only after talking to other women and hearing their personal accounts that I truly realized how common this story was and how truthful my realization might be.

While this post might in some ways seem quite personal, let it be clear that I’m not here attempting to shame anyone. Relationships are complex and stones can be thrown from both sides, victims might replicate the behavior of their aggressors, you know, putting fire out with fire kind of logic. So this post might touch you, maybe you will even see some of your behavior mirrored here, I know in some ways I did, and if that’s the case with you, take it as a call for change. I do believe that my experience and my observation of other failed relationships gave me a glimpse of what it might feel like to be in a relationship with someone who might overexploit your emotions and leave you drained, this is a compilation of tales. So here are my five red-flags to lookout and good enough reasons to let go of the wrong person.

Blatant Dishonesty

If a man/woman admittedly tells you that they’re not good with relationships, never dated someone for longer than a year, and when that happened they were unfaithful, don’t expect  them to suddenly change their casanova persona for you, despite how convincing they might be at promising you they’ve changed or how you represent a clean slate and they need someone to trust them notwithstanding their past misconducts so they can become a better person. There are people who cheat by mistake, but the majority cheat by habit because they can get away with it, so an intentional cheater will always be a cheater and to be a cheater they need to have a commitment otherwise it’s not cheating, so you, blinded by your lack of modesty to think you are capable of changing a fully grown adult, will ultimately become the paper they will roll their joint in. And when they do, and when you find out they might not even try to deny it and blame it on your insecurity and lack of trust, they might come clean and you might even appreciate their honesty of tearfully admitting that they messed up. But in this case you will find that in their vocabulary honesty is not the equivalent of integrity nor regret, so take your appreciation of their candor as well as yourself to a safe distance.

     2. Immersion in a never ending soul searching journey

There’s a saying “be careful not to fall in love with a man with wandering eyes because other body parts may start to wander too”, I know these quotes are cheesy but they are timeless, here’s some extra cheese “to those who don’t know where they are going, all roads lead to their destination” and “good advices never grow old”. A person that does not know themselves will not know what they want so being with you will be an experiment, and you can’t expect someone who is just testing the waters to have the will to commit to your relationship and put the work that it requires. This seems reasonable, after all we all need time to get to know someone and be sure of what we want. But an emotional abuser will be aware of his indecisiveness and still try and succeed at convincing you to stay because you are the love of his life until they have an epiphany in a beautiful sunny morning that it was after all not you who they wanted.

    3. Control of your happiness

There’s nothing that the right person will want more than making you happy, we’re all deserving of love, however, some people will want to have exclusivity over your happiness, they will get upset from seeing you happy for reasons beyond them, they will feel jealous, they will try to isolate you from your family and friends, they will try to force you to change your habits, your diet, delete pictures, throw away things, ignore people and block contacts and none of that will be enough. And they will discreetly punish you for not being complaisant with their absurd demands. They will intentionally make you sad or happy at their own convenience. And it won’t stop! They will move on but will not allow you to get over them, they will show up, give you hope, show remorse and jealousy of the simple thought of you moving on and being happier with someone else, they will  try to punish you for moving on by inciting envy and making you feel unworthy of being loved by anyone other than them. Even remotely, they will still try to control how you feel.

    4. Fear of your personal achievements

They will love you to the moon and back but will not share your excitement over the achievement of big milestones. Your growth of any kind will put them in a state of unease, they will feel threatened and insecure and might even convince you that you don't really need to achieve certain goals to be happy because they love you just-the-way-you-are, your beautiful, magnificent, mediocre self. Because they are accommodated and not willing to grow, your growth makes them fear that you will not need them anymore. They are actually not afraid of your growth but afraid of losing either financial or emotional control over you, in an emotional abuser’s mind to love is to control.

I’m personally a big believer in growth, it’s a beautiful thing to find someone who you don’t see as competition, who’s success is mutually beneficial, someone who is proud instead of threatened by the person you are becoming, who will support you on your journey, remind you when you’re slacking, encourage you when you’re scared and celebrate with you like it’s new year’s eve when you succeed and repeat that ad infinitum.

    5. Eagerness to prey on your vulnerabilities

It’s when we’re in love that we feel our most vulnerable selves, it’s so blissful to strip ourselves off of our guards and surrender to absolute trust, a byproduct of unconditional love. The right person will never take your vulnerabilities for granted and they will diligently help you grow out of them, the wrong person will prey on them, your insecurities, your fears of abandonment, your low self esteem, your trust issues, your impulsivity, your shortcomings and problems will all be perceived as tools in the mastermind of a professional manipulator. They will mansplain you, gaslight you, downplay you, and reverse psychology the shit out of you until they break you because you’ve let them in and you’ve trusted them the most. You won’t even see it coming or see it happening because your aversion to old adages led you to ignore the all time classic “it is those who we love the deepest that can hurt us the most”.

All of the above points seem very self-sufficient reasons to put those legs to work and RUN away from the relationship but sadly people choose to stay. I believe that’s due to the fact that we’re all a combination of yings and yangs, very few people are inherently evil or good, I wont dwell into the reasons why people are led to intentionally or not do bad things to  those who they supposedly love but I will point that first of all no one remotely sane falls in love with a cruel person, we initially genuinely feel loved but then we feel other things too, deceived, disrespected, hurt, neglected and the list goes on, all of these feelings blurred by “love”. Second, because we’re all flawed we don’t just fall in love with the good, we fall in love with the bad and the ugly too, sometimes we think we share scars and losses, and that too can connect us, our desire for forgiveness can make us give a lot of undeserving free passes. But relationships that are bonded by brokenness get ugly and uglier. Healthy relationships should be cleansing, restorative, uplifting, so no matter how much you love someone and how co-dependent you’ve become with them or how happy they have made you feel, if it's tainted with toxicity you will be continuously winding into darkness, cut it, let go, do some personal growth and move on. 

-M