#but uhm yeah i've been questioning my gender a lot the past few months and all i know is im not cis for sure but like
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#so this is uhm super random and personal and i'll probs delete it in the morning#if i even remember abt it which i probably won't#but uhm yeah i've been questioning my gender a lot the past few months and all i know is im not cis for sure but like#i genuinely just have no idea of what i am or what i want or what i have to do#or maybe i do and im trying to convince myself i dont bc im scared?#but either way#rn i feel like im not gonna truly be happy until i figure it out? no matter what i do?#like the best things could be happening to me and i'll think it doesn't matter bc i know that it'll pass and it wont bring me real happiness#like im going to the barça game tomorrow#and i'm going to the camp nou for the first time after a year and a half in the first game that'll allow fans again#and i'm like yeah that cool and im sure it'll be fun but imagine how fun your life would be and how happy you would be if you got to just +#+ be yourself?#like all these moments are just like painkillers which numb the pain for a few hours and then the pain will be back#and i know that when it happens and when im there i will be happy. every time i step into that stupid stadium are some of the happiest#moments of my lifes and it always feels like being home#so its stupid to even question it??? but also i have this same feeling for everything in my life?#like yeah i have to find a job and then i'll be happy or yeah i need to do this and then i'll be happy#but now i know i probably won't until i figure that out#none of this makes absolutely any sense BUT#anyways JSNDDJSJ i guess i needed to get it out otherwise it'd be eating me all night long#pls ignore this#idek what i said at the beginning and im not sure i want to know ajsndhdd#delete later
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