#but told myself NO haha its fine whatever its meaningful change and i like making things and the people mostly

[thesophiades]

anyways its extremely telling that i did not listen to my misgivings and have wound up like this

in active withdrawal AND losing to thoughts of wanting to kill myself. cool

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 412

Only one more week until Droughtlander, y’all! To start with the positive, I fucking love the Murgsali parts of this episode. Seriously, I know I sound like a broken record but saving Murtagh was literally the best choice this show has made. I would watch the shit out of a spin-off of just that trio’s adventures. Germain can come too.

I still can’t muster a single fuck, flying- or otherwise, to give about Roger. So basically this episode was pretty much like every other episode. I loved some shit, hated some shit, and overall came away with the lingering question of why I still spend so much time on a show that’s barely recognizable as the one I used to fucking love.

At least Dry January is still going strong. Quite proud of myself about that, tbh...

Roger: *runs the gauntlet* Marie Kondo: Does this spark joy? Me: Absofuckinglutely.

Guys I fucking love the Murtagh and Fergus relationship. I love it so fucking much. I cannot wait to see where that goes next season, especially since they’re all headed to live on the Ridge now.

And since this episode isn’t focused on LJG being in love with Jamie, I’m so here for him in this episode. I swear this show gives me whiplash with its characters. Like it’s not a “people are complicated” sort of thing. It’s a “crappy trope that needs to go away” or a “they just did something out of character, wtf” sort of thing.

I get Jamie not wanting Bree to murder Bonnet. I totally understand him not wanting her to have to live with taking a life. But I’m not fully on board with the whole “you need to forgive” stuff. Both here and in the book. Holding hate in your heart will eat away at you and prevent you from moving forward, sure. But you can put things behind you without forgiving the people who wronged you. What Bonnet did to Bree was fucking awful. He’s completely unrepentant. If Bree wants to forgive him, fine. It happened to her, so it’s her call and no one else’s how she should proceed. For me personally, I don’t think he’s worthy of forgiveness. I wouldn’t forgive him if it were me. I’ve thankfully never been in that exact situation, but I’ve been through my own shit and honestly, I’ve chosen not to forgive some people, because that’s asking me to not only endure what they did but also do the emotional work of forgiving them when they’re not sorry. That’s asking a bit too much, imo. Just put them aside and move on, it comes with its own sort of acceptance and peace. Each to their own, I guess.

“This man cannot be good. He was sold by his own people.” I mean, where’s the lie, haha. Yeah he was sold for the wrong reasons, and it’s never ok to SELL SOMEONE INTO SLAVERY (FFS!), but yes, Roger’s a twatwaffle.

“You have learned nothing.” The Mohawk elder speaks the truth, tbh.

Kaheroton telling Roger that he should not smile upon Johiehon had me like yaaas. Sure, Roger’s starved for human kindness or whatever, but like he’s also a chronic inappropriate interact-er with women/crush haver. Like he literally becomes a minster because people think he’s having an affair with one of the Ridge widows. He gets himself hanged because he kisses his great-great-etc.-grandmother. He’s creepily into Claire. I am so here for him being called out for being a fuckboi, haha.

This show is two for two in failing to make me care about rando fallen priests.

Marsali seeing right through Fergus’ attempt at blaming Germain and seeing exactly what he’s up and being like fuck yes, let’s do this thing is my fucking favorite.

I LOVE MARSALI A LOT OK. I AM FUCKING RIDE OR DIE FOR THAT WOMAN.

Y’all have I mentioned how much I fucking love Fersali? Because I fucking love Fersali. They remind me of what Claire and Jamie used to be. *pours one out for the couple that was*

Question though, are we assuming that Fergus knows all about Wentworth because they told him about it after he was raped for Jamie’s story in season two? Getting rull tired of being expected to fill in a bunch of shit that should be shown...

But man, I am so fucking pumped for them to move to the Ridge. I hope it means we get much more of them next season.

I know I’m biased because I have a lot of Opinions about organized religion but basically all this stuff with the priest has me just rolling my eyes. Like cool for him that he like believes in stuff, but also like, do what makes you happy, bruh? You only have one life? *exercises what little self-restraint I have to not go off on a ramble that ties this whole plot line into how being raised Catholic really fucked me up*.

I literalol’ed every time they show Roger trying to fucking Shawshank his way out of the fucking Idiot Hut. Like bro. This thing is made of leaves and branches. Just fucking snap the string or whatever is holding the branches in place and shift them enough to make a hole to squeeze out of.

The Idiot Hut is aptly named.

So in this episode, handfasting means they’re married again. I cannot even with how frustrating it is that this show can’t make up its mind about what it means.

This whole speech of Roger’s about how he’s an idiot is like yeah, no shit, Sherlock. You’re a fucking douchecanoe.

By the end of it, it comes off like he’s the guy from You. Like yeah, you didn’t deserve to be sold into slavery, but buddy. You’re not the victim in your relationship with Bree here. You might not be a serial killer, but your inner Joe Goldberg is showing...

“Like an idiot, I pursued her through time and space, determined to prove to myself and the universe that I did love this woman, just like all those great love stories written by all those great idiots.” Red flag number one, you wanted to prove to yourself and the universe that you loved Bree, but not prove it to Bree? The one person you’d think you’d want to make things right with?

"I pursued her and chased her and finally tracked her down and convinced her to marry me.” Holy fucking stalker, Batman. This comes off as the opposite of romantic. Get yourself a restraining order, Bree!

“We said angry words to each other.” That’s a funny way to say “I was a complete fuckwad to her,” Rog.

“I intended to go home, but then I changed my mind and went back, like an idiot.” Sorry not sorry, but if I were ever with a guy who thought choosing to be with me made him an idiot, I’d fucking run for the hills.

The writers clearly think this is supposed to be like endearing us to Roger and his love of Brianna but really it’s just making him seem like a fucking toxic stalker who’s convinced he’s a Nice Guy™. Roger just keeps channeling his inner Frank. He wants his personal ideal of a relationship with Brianna, with no thought to what she herself wants. He’s fucking repulsive, just like Frank was (even pre-stones). So naturally the show wants us to root for him. *wishes it were February so I could have a drink*

Uh, buddy? Do you know Johiehon wants to leave with the priest? Or are you just being you and assuming/not caring what the woman feels/wants for herself?

Fun fact, we’re still with these idiots in their Idiot Hut and I still can’t muster a single fuck to give about either of them.

Don’t @ me that I’m a dummy because I’m missing the deep and meaningful and yada yada whatever bullshit that they’re doing with these scenes. I know what they’re trying to do. It’s not working for me. At all. Sorry not fucking sorry.

#TeamBadFan5Eva

If we forget about the blackmail and rape threat and creepy being in love with her dad, I’m 10000% more invested in Bree and LJG’s fake engagement than I am in Bree and Roger. But jfc, that’s a lot to be asked to forget.

I’m still not really here for the Bree side of the prison stuff, but the Fergus and squad rescuing Murtagh part is excellent.

I really wish they would have put a definitive end to Bonnet in this episode. Ed Speelers does a great job with him, but he’s honestly not an interesting enough character to merit sticking around as long as he does in the books. Like if we have even more condensed seasons five and six, why the fuck can’t we just be done with him now?

FUCK YEAH FERGUS AND HIS REGULATOR SQUAD!

I hated Bree visiting Bonnet in the book and I really hate it here too. Like yes, if this is what Bree wants and she thinks it will help her, then great. She gets to decide what she wants to do. But this whole comforting your rapist thing just reeks of a fucking woman doing fucktons of emotional labor for the sake of the person who caused her so much fucking trauma. Literally the only part of this scene that remotely works for me is when she gets angry and tells him that he will be forgotten. Like, he’s a sociopath and he gives no shits about you or what he did to you. Why are you trying to make him feel better? I know it’s supposed to be for her, but that’s not how it plays to me...

Le sigh.

I fucking love the scene with Lord John and Fergus. Fucking love it.

(I’m guessing we’re supposed to assume that Fergus and Lord John met in Jamaica at the party in a bit we didn’t see? I think it might have been mentioned at some point, but I can’t remember specifics...)

Murtagh and Lord John fighting over who’s going to take Bree and then agreeing on what’s best for her? Here. For. It.

Y’all, I just want a whole show about this exact squad. Jamie and Claire are so meh now that it’s tough to be invested in them anymore. Roger’s still the fucking worst. But this squad. This squad is my fucking JAM.

But for real, why did we not get a scene where Bree meets Fergus and Marsali. Because this prison break is literally the first time we’ve seen them together and we don’t even know if they’ve met before. You’re killing me show.

Since Murgsali is moving to the Ridge, we’d better get a bunch of Bree and Jem with Marsali and Germain and Fergus next year.

This whole monologue of Roger’s as he’s deciding what to do is supposed to be like showing that he cares for people more than himself (despite his whole creepy spiel in the Idiot Hut) or some shit but like he’s just again ignoring what someone told him to do because that’s his MO. He’s like constantly playing the martyr card when no one even wants him around. Fuck off, Roger.

This priest and his girlfriend honestly don’t merit the amount of screen time they got. Like cool that Roger puts him out of his misery or whatever, but also this is the second to last episode so why the fuck are we spending it on two randos we don’t care about? Because it’s Outlander. So of course this is how we’re spending it.

Johiehon throwing herself into the fire is supposed to be like romantic and shit or reminiscent of Claire offering to die with Jamie at Culloden or whatever, but it really doesn’t work for me. Because honestly, she deserves better. The priest could have chosen to be with her but he picked his faith instead. So why should she die for a man who made her his second choice.

Also like, Kaheroton crying also comes off as creepy because like, dude she just wasn’t into you. Him being upset that Johiehon died doesn’t play like him being sad that a woman from his village killed herself, it comes across like the guy who was “friendzoned” (don’t get me started on that concept...) being sad the woman he was fixated on is gone so he doesn’t have a chance (he never had a chance) with her anymore.

But hey, remember how awesome Murgsali is? Murgsali is the fucking best.

MURGSALI 5EVA!!!

[lunamanar]

dare I inquire how your opinion of Squall, Rinoa and/or Seifer might have changed due to recent external influence? :D

[PLEASE NOTE: There is ableist mental health language in this post. It was not intentional, and I do plan to edit/clarify it later. I have to go to work now, though, so for now, just be aware of one thing–people diagnose with sociopathy/psychopathy are NOT default dangerous/criminal/nonfunctional people. I don’t want to demonize that word, and while that wasn’t my aim in this, because I spoke in generalizations, that’s what ended up happening. I’m sorry, and I’ll do what I can to fix it as soon as I have time.]

If I’m right about who this is, you probably know darn well, haha. Sure, I’ll throw myself to the wolves bite, though. 

For the longest time I had a fairly static impression of Seifer, in particular. And, don’t get me wrong, I still love (and to an extent, prefer) my original interpretation. But it felt solid enough to me that I was fairly sure I’d have trouble viewing him any other way, and that way is…well, it makes any pairing with him extremely difficult, let’s say that. Nothing made sense to me about him being intimate with anyone, main cast or otherwise. 

That’s…changed, a lot, over the last year. It’s really hard for me to explain how, though, without first explaining what my perspective has been, ever since I first played the game. So, here is what I will do. I’mma hang myself out to dry by posting the entirety of an explanation I gave to @strane-stelle​ about a year ago in a private answer to her ask about Seifer. And then I will explain what changed.

So, below is the unaltered text I sent in answer to her ask last year:

Hrm. I flail and spit about Seifer in private discussions with friends because I feel very strongly about his character, but my perception is that I have a minority view on him, and I absolutely don’t want to start fights because I know a lot of people love Seifer and have ideas about him they’re very attached to. A lot of people like him, and there are a ton of different and popular “versions” of him floating around out there. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that he is at once a very strong character while also having relatively little face time in the game, so we’re left to fill in a lot of blanks. There are many ways you can take the behavior he presents, just because there’s a dearth of detail explaining it. I don’t talk about him openly a lot because I think the way I see him tends to fly in the face of how the majority does. I was thinking of doing a similar essay as I did for Squall but the fact is I don’t think my take on Squall is actually that far from the norm, so that wasn’t a very risky post by comparison.

So I hope you don’t mind, I’m going to answer this privately because frankly I am afraid of people getting defensive at me. I’m probably overreacting, but I worry a lot about hurting people’s feelings or making them feel they need to displace my ideas to defend their own. That’s not the sort of environment I want to foster and the way I feel about this, I’m afraid my tone could be problematic in a public post.

I have no issues whatever with people viewing Seifer as a damaged but ultimately redeemable dreamer who fell prey to Ultimecia’s power and was led around by his nose before being dumped on FH’s front doorstep. Or some variation thereof that lets him have connections and relationships.

My interpretation of him, however–and the interpretation I’ve had since the beginning–doesn’t allow for that. The key point is that most people seem to assume Seifer even desires meaningful human connection of any kind; and honestly, just based on how I view his dialogue and his actions, I don’t think he does. I’m not sure he’s capable of it. Love and friendship isn’t really in the cards for him: no Quistis, no Zell, no Rinoa, no Squall, no nothing. Despite claiming a romantic dream, Seifer wouldn’t know romance if it ran him over.

My base assumption is this: I do not think Ultimecia was ever, at any point, actually controlling Seifer. Showing him what he wanted to see, yes, manipulating, sure, but beyond that–it was all him. Right down to torturing Squall, casting off his two loyalists the moment they didn’t serve his purposes, and throwing Rinoa to Adel. He wasn’t insane with sorceress-muck in his head. Everything he said, thought and did was his own.

He has all the earmarks of a textbook high-functioning psychopath. Not a stabbity homicidal maniac, but more simply a total absence of what we’d traditionally understand as empathy. In his world, everything is either about him, or it's in the way. Unless someone can further his personal glory, they’re irrelevant. That’s the context of every social interaction he has. He is the end, and everyone else, without exception, is the means.

He doesn't think about things this way. He doesn’t think, “I don’t care about other people, I’m just going to use them to get what I want.” In fact, he’s not conscious of his own disconnect at all. He’s too focused on his ambitions, the next immediate step toward his dream, too wrapped up his own sense of greatness to waste time with introspection.

His romantic (read: heroic, epic, magnificent) dream solidified for him at a very early age, triggered if not defined by that ridiculous movie Laguna starred in (you’ll note, Seifer holds Hyperion the same way Laguna handles the Shear Trigger he was given on set). Seifer continued to self-insert himself into that role, eating up any and all variants of that story, including the book he regularly stole checked out from the library. But it wasn’t the romance of the story that interested him, per se; it was the fantastic victory of the knight, and the way he was (ha) lionized for the purposes of the legend. Yes, he served his sorceress, but the way the story told it, she didn’t really get the glory.

His dream does evolve as he gets older, but its premise remains basically the same. He gauges the worth of everyone he meets by how they fit into this story of his. Ultimecia was the only person who fit into the part of the sorceress he would champion. It wasn’t so much respect for her that made him willing to follow her as it was the allure of finally living out his own personal epic. Ultimecia, for her part, could see the unquestioning devotion to this ideal in his mind, and so was able to pull his strings with ease, both because he was not difficult to persuade and she saw some of her own grandiosity in him. I think she was later disappointed, but I digress.

Throughout it all, Seifer truly believes himself to be “the good guy,” without possessing enough of a moral compass to have any idea what “good” might be. He’s the good guy because he’s the hero. He’s the hero because he’s the Sorceress Knight. He was part of the disciplinary committee because heroes lay down the law. Nearly everything Seifer does is in pursuit of/acting out this ideal. Anyone who gets in his way is ruthlessly plowed down. (If you want to follow, that’s fine, as long as you don’t get in the way.)

To that end, Seifer doesn’t see tormenting people who are smaller or weaker than him as bullying. Again, it’s not a conscious thought process, “I’m gonna fuck with this person because it’s fun,” so much as he needs to constantly reassert his dominance in every situation. For all his undying belief in his own greatness, he cannot brook any suggestion that he is not the center of attention. That doesn’t mean he’s seeking leadership, specifically, but he’s not going to let anyone else have the spotlight, either.

This in mind, the “rivalry” take on Seifer and Squall’s relationship is, by my estimation, a gross misunderstanding of the actual situation. Even other characters in the game are guilty of misunderstanding it, and I think it's very evident that this is the case. I think it’s supposed to be clear that they’re not getting it, and it annoys Squall quite a bit, though by now he’s kind of used to it.

From where Squall stands, Seifer is not a bully, or a rival; he’s a monolith. He exists for Squall to test himself against, and he’s a consistent enough challenge that their “fights” continuously benefit Squall in his ongoing pursuit of skill-improvement. In addition, Seifer’s general blindness to the feelings of other people helped to encourage Squall’s distance from his own emotions. Where Seifer was concerned, they were irrelevant, and for Squall, that was actually quite a comfortable arrangement.

On Seifer’s end, Squall is probably the closest thing to human connection that exists for him, and only because of the major character role he plays in Seifer’s epic. A combination of the regular attention Squall pays him and the fact he takes Seifer seriously and gives him his full effort when they face off, not to mention the fact Squall can keep up, make him the perfect “counterpart” figure. I don’t think it is any accident that it is Gilgamesh who interrupts their final fight in the game. If you are familiar with the original Epic of Gilgamesh, there are just so many parallels between Gilgamesh and Seifer, and, conversely, Squall and Enkidu, it’s hard to imagine it’s coincidence. This “companion in his travels” motif is the sort of role I think Seifer originally envisioned for Squall, and having internalized that, even though ultimately the story was still about Seifer, it made it very difficult–if not impossible–for him to write Squall off when things started going south.

At the beginning of the game, Squall and Seifer clearly have an understanding, and Seifer is, if not friendly with him, excited by the prospect of Squall accompanying him to glory (only in his shadow, of course). Later, we watch Seifer scramble to rewrite the terms of his story, recasting Squall in various roles across from him, from villainous black knight to leader of a corrupt establishment (at least that one was somewhat correct). To everyone on the outside looking in, Seifer seems like he must be bitter or jealous of Squall (“Mr. Leader” and “I’ll show you who’s the better man”), and misinterpret this as part of an ongoing rivalry, but in my view it’s more simple frustration born from the fact Seifer is losing, and Squall is always there to challenge him at the apex of his grand summit.

(Squall, for his part, is pretty done with Seifer by the end of the game, feeling more disappointment, disgust, and yes, hurt than any sort of need to one-up him. Although I would not for a second call Squall’s connection to Seifer affectionate, the fact remains that up until Ultimecia, Seifer was, for all his unpredictability, reliable and familiar and, perhaps most importantly, there.

Without an ounce of fondness between them, Squall had gotten used to Seifer, and that made this subsequent downward spiral just one more example of someone Squall had come to count on leaving him high and dry.)

As for Rinoa, she’s no different to Seifer than anyone else. His interest in her had more to do with the potential for heroics as a SeeD returning triumphantly to take up the Forest Owls’ noble cause. In the entire game, his only mention of their “relationship” is in Galbadia Garden, if you happen to have Rinoa in your party when you fight him, and even then, it seems more aimed to taunting her as an enemy. Rinoa, SeeD, even Fujin and Raijin–Seifer’s dream takes precedence over all.

[Note: the following was in direct response to a post that had been going around about the orphanage kids having pets, which I had to bow out from because Seifer came up in discussion.] For this reason, the idea of Seifer having a pet makes me physically ill; as a child he would know no better but to do things to the animal just to see what would happen and what kind of reaction he could illicit. It’s not even strictly his fault, but when that came up in the thread I had to bow out. I just can’t. He’d torture it to death, not really having a clue he was doing so. Case in point: I don’t think he even imagined that what he was doing to Squall as torturing him, in D-district. Seifer was playing his role, and when Squall pointed out the role he was playing was torturer, he left, because his answer to any proof he’s anything other than the hero is to stop paying attention. He can’t stand to hear anything about himself that doesn’t directly support his worthiness for the role of the Sorceress’s Knight.

That’s the tragedy, of course: in the end, the only thing remotely “knightly” about Seifer is how noble he is–that is, as Helium. He can’t bond with anything.

That’s my Seifer: The Noble Psychopath. It’s not how most people see him, I know, and it’s probably terribly unsatisfying for a lot of Seifer fans because an incapacity for human connection precludes any chance for real romance with anyone, but at least to me, it makes sense and presents very interesting setup for character growth.

…Now that I’ve pinioned myself. 

I think all of this is sound.I still hold pretty strongly that Seifer is borderline if not patently a sociopath…and let me be as clear as I possibly can be: I’m not saying he’s evil, “crazy,” or even malicious…when I use the word “sociopath” or “psychopath” here, I’m not at all precluding him from being a good guy. Yes, I know what the word sociopath means. I also know what it does not mean, and it doesn’t actually mean you become a horrible, cruel person. It means you have an emotional handicap. That handicap can facilitate behavior we’d call “evil,” but there is so much research at this point showing that it does not have to and I don’t think Seifer is doomed to it, in fact I think he has a unique character path towards avoiding it, post-game. And I love that about him. I will still write him that way, in any stories of my own.

However…since this above response, my perspective on what makes sense for Seifer has indeed broadened. I’ve been moved to think that there is another explanation for Seifer’s behavior in-game that doesn’t just involve Ultimecia controlling his mind and making him do things, although it does assume that she manipulates him quite heavily. Making him hallucinate, for one; in the Timber TV station, for instance, when Edea appears and begins speaking to him: who is he waving to? Not his former comrades, certainly. It’s the same motion he exhibits during the parade in Deling City, as if he can already see the adoration of the populace greeting him. 

And, okay, but just because she’s making him hallucinate doesn’t mean the sociopath theory isn’t still in play. You can hallucinate and still have zero human empathy.

But…but. The other aspect of his behavior that I had not considered in this light, was his spiral. Yes, I still think it makes sense for Seifer to show greater and greater levels of desperation, denialism and self-delusion because of a sheer inability to concede that he is anything other than the center of the meaningful universe. But, taken in the context of hallucinogenic magic, it’s also the behavior of an addict. And the suggestion given to me for his spiral that I found fascinating, was that the ‘fix’ he was looking for wasn’t just glory…it was whatever euphoria Ultimecia was feeding him. 

It was rather clear about halfway through the game, Ultimecia was rather…done with Seifer. She gave him one last task, to find the Lunatic Pandora, with the promise that she would provide him with “dreams” again. Hmm. Can you imagine, what sort of “dreams” those might be? Ultimecia oozes sultry seduction. And I kind of love how the idea of her literally drugging Seifer with magic…which would fit nicely as a cautionary theme with Guardian Forces and para-magic adversely affecting the minds of those who “use” them…changes the narrative. It turns his sociopathy into an addictive personality. Which also neatly explains a lot of his compulsive, thrill-seeking, seemingly careless behavior. 

And yeah, it also means, instead of him being incapable of human connection, he more than likely craves it. But he craves it his way and most people just…don’t have what he needs, frankly. Not to mention, he just doesn’t really have a taste for subtlety, and so actually approaching someone to ask for anything is…bleh. Not his style. And that isolates him, which makes him want to get more attention, to show off more, get louder. Do anything to make sure people see him. 

There are two people in the game who do see him, and take note. One is Rinoa. The other is Squall. Squall I’ve already explained. Rinoa has a bit less structure behind her connection with him, but the basic framework of a relationship is there (whether you believe it to be romantic or not, on which the game is pretty unclear, in my opinion). She and Seifer have a lot in common: they thing big. They often act before they think. They are human wrenches in eeeeveryone’s plans. They are dreamers, first and foremost, unbridled, and this very needful version of Seifer, those commonalities have great potential for connection, given a second chance. Meanwhile, Seifer and Squall have their History. They understand each other, and in an ideal situation, each serves a very important purpose for the other that cannot be replicated anywhere else. More than rivals, or even counterparts, in this scenario, they are brothers. 

Therefore…I see no reason you can’t write a redemption/addiction recovery story for Seifer that involves Squall, Rinoa, or even both as potential friendship or even romantic options. “Both” is the most complicated, and the most interesting, so I like it the best. I won’t tell you it’s my OT3. It’s…not. But I like it. I like it a lot, if you can write it and write it well (and I know at least one person who can, ho ho). 

This is actually an…oddly personal response for me, and the perspective one that’s important, I think, because this is the first day I have felt…semi-normal, after a long, hard week of detoxing from prescription pain meds. It sucked, haha. I’m glad to be rid of them, but god damn, sorry, that stuff is hard to ditch even when you’re taking it as prescribed. It makes me imagine just how messed up you could potentially get on either sorceress magic or heavy duty para-magic. Makes even more sense that there’s a class of para-magic that is simply called Forbidden. Not even because of its destructive effects, oh no…but because of its enhancing qualities. Could you imagine “para-magic detox”? Getting royally screwed up on Meteor and Death and Pain and Metldown and dear god Aura. Ultima? Apocolypse? That stuff’ll kill you, haha. 

If I assume Hyne’s touch is like the world’s purest magical high, it rewrites 80% of what I see in Seifer’s actions, and opens up a very different set of possibilities between him and the other characters, for me. 

That’s one of the reasons I’m here…the more perspectives I’m exposed to, the bigger this game’s universe becomes for me, and that’s so important to me. Coming across a game-changer like this is rare for me, but if I let my theories be the end-all-be-all, I will miss so many equally good ideas and I’ll have less, in the end, of this game to enjoy. 

That’s not to say that any of this has to sit well with you. You can think both these theories are full of it, and that’s fine, haha. But…that’s my answer, to your question, “Anonymous,” (and one older one). I hope that at least as an explanation, it suffices, if not a pair of theories you particularly like, yourself. 

[michp55]

Time for JUST me

These many years working in the horse industry have been... challenging... exciting... rewarding... and sometimes disheartening. 

I’ve thrown myself into my work for many years at this point to try my best to “make it.” I can happily say that I FINALLLLY feel like I’m in the right place for me job wise. THANK GOD!!! It only took 7 years, 9 different jobs, and countless moves... and that is only after having started working in the horse industry. This is a TOUGH business to get into unless you have at least some financial backing to help you get through the first few years. Because I didn’t have that and I have done everything for myself I never got the opportunity of being a working student or really be strictly a trainer because I have not been in a financial position to do so. The first few years it was really discouraging because as much as I so loved working around the horses I desperately wanted to be riding more and doing that for a living. But, we all need to make the best of the situation the universe throws our way. So, that’s exactly what I’ve done. I’ve managed to catch rides when and where I’ve been able to and have worked my ass off, sometimes while getting paid next to nothing. Now I can say that I’m making enough money where I actually feel like I might be able to start a savings account (WHAT A CONCEPT!?!!). I might ACTUALLY be able to get health insurance... ya know, things that adults do... haha 

I think that because I’m finally starting to feel more secure in my financial stability and job security and such I’ve starting really throwing myself into wanting to find a relationship... I want to have someone who I can share in my successes, failures, happy and sad times. Now, save for the last probably year and half, I never cared a ton about finding a relationship. I have been on dating sites since I moved to Florida in 2011 just to see what was out there... but never took it super seriously. Until about 2 years ago when I came back down to Florida, having been away for almost 2 years, I decided for whatever reason that I really really wanted to try to find someone to be with. Let me tell you... it has been one of the MOST grueling processes I’ve ever dealt with. The amount of shit people you meet online is truly unbelievable...  trust me... half of my friends can’t believe the stories I tell them from my online dating adventures. I’ve been told that I need to write a book about all of them. I think the other part of the reason why I’ve been so adamant about trying to find a relationship is because I see a lot of my very close friends getting married, or at the very least having solid long term relationships. Maybe its envy... maybe its a little jealousy... either way its been a really solid motivator for me... show me something I want that I don’t have and I will try my hardest to get it. This may be where I’m going wrong. 

I’ve always been a believer that the universe works in mysterious ways but things happen for a reason. People come in and out of our lives because they are meant to be there. And now I’m finally at a point where I’m going to let the universe do its thing when it comes to me finding love. I’m done searching for it. I literally CAN’T physically do it anymore. It’s been an exhausting, emotional, and draining process to constantly be on the hunt for love. 

In the last two years I’ve actually dated a few different guys. All of those experiences have taught me more about what I’m looking for exactly. Now... some people have told me that my standards are too high and that’s why I can’t “hold down a man.” I think that is complete and udder bullshit. We all deserve THE BEST. The best can mean very different things to everyone, but we deserve what we believe is the best. Nothing less. 

I’m going to share a couple dating experiences I’ve had in the last couple years (leaving out names) to give examples of the things I’ve been dealing with. And maybe some people can relate. 

First real meaningful “relationship” (if you can really call it that) I had when I came back down to Florida was with this guy who lived relatively close... the first time I met him we had a good time. He wasn’t the most attractive guy, but wasn’t terrible. But he made me laugh... was playful... fun. We went out a bunch of times... almost a full month before we got intimate at all. During that month we had SO much fun. We had one little hiccup in that time period where he had been talking to another girl before he and I started seeing each other and he lied to me about going to see her and I found out about it by seeing pictures of them on facebook... well needless to say I got pissed... yelled at him... gave him hell for it. Now guys... PSA for you: if you’re going to mess around on a chick (NOT RECOMMENDED) at least be smart enough to not have pictures of you and said other chick on fucking facebook!!! how stupid can you be?!?! 

Anyway, I chose to keep seeing him. I always felt good about myself around him. I had no reason to not feel that way... he was very touchy feely in public which is not usually what I’m into, but went with it for the most part. Things seemed to go well until we started being intimate... which seemed odd to me... well maybe another month or so went by... we had a good time... or so I thought. I can’t remember how it got brought up, but at one point I was supposed to be going to spend the night at his place and had left my place and he called and said it wouldn’t be a good night.. I was confused... and somehow he had decided that he was a little unsure of things or something... and then he said something along the lines of being uncomfortable with my weight, but “maybe we could start going to the gym together to work on it.”   Now... I’m not some skinny chick and never have been... but at that point I was actually in relatively good shape AND not only that... if this had been an issue don’t you think he would’ve known that from the beginning?? WELLLLL needless to say I lost my shit on him. HOW DARE HE?!?! I was not some problem for him to fix. I never in my life would ask someone to change for me so why did anyone have the right, after only a couple months mind you, to ask me to change for them. If you can’t like me for me then fuck off. 

Now he came into my life again on and off after that a couple times over the next few months... none of which were good experiences... but I ended up finding out that he had been cheating on me the whole time... should’ve known after the first time he lied right?? I had given him the benefit of the doubt that first time... well maybe I shouldn’t have... lesson #1. Did I learn?? of course not. 

Second guy... started talking to him a lot... but then every time I asked him to hang out he was conveniently unavailable. It seemed odd because he seemed really into me. Well... he then told me that he still lived with his ex girlfriend... that she had cheated on him but they were still living together because of a lease situation... ok fine.. goodbye.. get your shit figured out and then we can hang out. Needless to say he never got his shit figured out... but got back with the ex. BUT! still, to this day, contacts me... *rolls eyes* annoying.... 

Third guy.... literally the nicest guy I’ve met online ever. Had the most going for him. Suuuuuper hard worker. To the tune of barely able to hang out because he was always busy. I was understanding though because I also was ALWAYS busy working... so we made time like twice maybe three times in the first two months of talking. He was terrible though about texting or replying back to any messages. Now I don’t know if that’s because he just wasn’t that interested or if he legitimately was insanely busy... but it just seemed odd.... and suuper annoying. Hey guys! here’s another PSA for you: when a girl texts you and you don’t reply back at least within the same day it’s really fucking annoying. It literally takes two seconds to send a text... even if its just to say you’re busy and will get back to them later... SAY SOMETHING! 

So anyway... after him not responding and us not really having time to hang out and him seeming to make up excuses of him traveling a lot or whatever it just seemed odd... so I stopped talking to him for a couple months... and then one drunk night (shocker) I texted him. He was really sweet and apologetic for what had happened before and told me he was definitely still interested in seeing me if I wanted to. So we hung out a few more times... again... super sporadically... but it was better than before. However... I had known the guy for like more than half a year at this point and he still hadn’t even tried to kiss me yet... just seemed odd.... anyway. I had to go away for the summer... but one of the last times we saw each other before I was leaving he finally kissed me... and I will always remember that night because it was literally one of the most perfect first kisses I’ve ever had... so it was sad that I was leaving, but kept in touch with him and when I came back briefly at the end of summer we planned to hang out. Getting together with him when I was back though seemed to be difficult.. he again kept coming up with reasons why it wasn’t going to work. Finally we locked down a night to hang out... well I ended up spending the night with him and had a great time with him... or so I thought. I was optimistic about it. Well... after about three to four days he stopped responding to me. again. at that point I was done. it was unfortunate because he was one I really had hope for and really liked... but oh well... on to the next right?? 

Meanwhile... while I was in North Carolina for the summer I was also still online trying to see what was around up there because my friend who I had been staying with had convinced me that guys up there were different and better.. blah blah blah.. what I will say is guys are certainly less interested in just hooking up typically up there but there are definitely still the few that need to be weeded out. Anyway... I met this guy... who I wasn’t really sure about at first... we started talking and seemed to click right away... and then he told me that he did some shady things... had guns (which may not seem like such a big deal to some, BUT having not grown up around guns its just not something I’m super comfortable with)... and just some things that normally I wouldn’t really be into. BUT keeping an open mind I kept talking to him. Now, normally I NEVER let guys call me baby, babe, hun, or any other stupid pet name... this guy called me babe and it seemed normal and not uncomfortable at all... which was odd to me... So anyway. We met up at a sushi place and then went and hung out at his place. He had a good job at the time and regardless of the other shit he seemed like a really genuine guy. So we continued hanging out and I did tell him that I traveled a lot for work and whatnot...and I wasn’t looking to jump into anything and he seemed to feel the same way, but said that he was ok with distance because it’d make him happier to see me when he actually got to... blah blah blah... saying all the right things. I wasn’t expecting things to move as quickly as they did with him, but again... tried to just go with it and be open minded. I felt more comfortable around him than I had around anyone in...i don’t even know how long... 

So we continued to hang out and then I had to go to Kentucky for a couple weeks. He gave me his sweatshirt and was all “i’ll miss you” so needless to say... at that point, I was pretty smitten. Well... I’m in kentucky for a few days and hadn’t heard much from him. When I finally did, he called me and told me he’s not ready for a relationship and how he was still in love with his ex and really messed up from that relationship. I told him that I still wanted to see him and see where things went if he wanted that. He seemed ok with it as long as we weren’t serious. At the same time I was still talking to guy #3 that I was REALLY interested in. So as much as I wanted to see where things went with this guy I was ok with not making things super serious right away. 

Well... when I got back from Kentucky everything went kind of downhill... he ended up getting laid off... and turns out he had a reaallll serious drinking problem, which turned worse when he lost his job.... the shady things he was doing got a bit shadier.... and it just seemed like a terrible situation. And then there’s me... well maybe he’ll snap out of... this is just a slew of bad turns. I sometimes think that I’m just an idiot. The other part of me was trying to be the nice person and trying to be there for him and wanting to help him. I’ve been told that I might be a “fixer.”  I don’t know if I am or not... but I do know that I enjoy helping people. 

So anyway, I did a lot of traveling but always came back and would spend a lot of time with him. I probably spent more nights with him than I did where I lived. I also had a situation come up with my living situation and he was super nice and told me I could stay with him if I needed to, however, I wasn’t sure I was ok with that mostly because there had been a few incidents that had made me uncomfortable so living together was not necessarily something I wanted to do. I wanted to have a place of my own just in case I needed or wanted to leave. 

It was very confusing to me because he had told me many times how much his parents would like me... he’d introduced me to a bunch of his friends... he would do cutesy things like dance around the house with me.. sing to me... just cute things that, ya know, couples do. He never wanted me to pay for anything. He even told me he loved me multiple times... which most of the time I tried to ignore it.... wasn’t sure if it was the booze talking or actually him, and I certainly wasn’t there yet. He still was constantly telling me how bad he was for me and that I shouldn’t like him, but at the same point would tell me how he wanted me to come over. Talk about head games... 

Well then I went up north for almost three weeks at the end of October. He called me multiple times and told me how much he missed me and wished I was there. I went back to see him on my way back through to Florida and decided I needed to be very up front and ask him if he wanted to do this for real or not because I was going to Florida for months and would need to know that we’d be in consistent communication and that there would be effort on both sides to see each other. Well, after all of that, he told me he would never be ok with doing long distance... even though that’s not what he said to me to begin with... but that he didn’t want anything to change between us. Ok... well you can’t have it both ways. When I left, I left his sweatshirt and didn’t really think I’d ever hear from him again. Well... I heard from him that night and he told me he was going into a rehab program, which I told him was a great idea, but he wouldn’t be able to talk to me for awhile. I told him I understood and would support him any way I could. 

After a few weeks of being in Florida and having not heard from him, I had just gotten back from my cruise and he called me... I was shocked because I didn’t think I’d hear from him at all for the next couple months. Apparently the program was shit and it was a shithole to stay there. So he made the decision to move to his godmother’s house. Away from NC. I thought that would be a great opportunity for him to get out of the habits and to start fresh. I was sad about it because it meant I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with him next summer when I head back to NC, but he definitely needed to do something good for his life and I was in no position to say anything different. He had talked about it with me a little prior to then that it might be a possibility but he hadn’t ever finalized anything. So over the next few weeks I heard from him sporadically... which I knew he was busy getting shit together and organized. Well before christmas I heard from him a couple times after he had moved and told me how much he missed me and wished I could go visit and whatever. The crazy thing was that I was SERIOUSLY considering going to visit him up there. So then that last thing I heard from him was after I had texted him Merry Christmas... and he said the same back. After that I had texted him a few times and didn’t hear anything back.. I was working NYE so I tried to call him before I went out and he didn’t answer. I left him a nice message, and then went to work. I came home the next morning and was browsing facebook before going to sleep and what did I find?? A bunch of pictures of him with this chick... and then later that day they were in a relationship. I felt broken. I’ve never felt like that before. Ever. There were so many different emotions. I was SOO sad... and SOOOOOOO angry.... and so confused. I just spent the last 5+ months with this guy who had been telling me that he loved me but couldn’t be in a relationship because he wasn’t over his ex and it wouldn’t be fair to me and then all of a sudden after ignoring me for two weeks he’s in a relationship?? Just thinking about it even now makes me furious. Needless to say... I might have lost my shit on him via text, which may not have been smart... but whatever... don’t messed with a girl scorned hah. We ended our heated discussion with him telling me he still cared a lot about me and still wanted to be friends. I just couldn’t. So I unfriended him on facebook and did my best to forget about him... 

So I had been talking to a couple guys online since I’d been back in Florida since he had told me that he couldn’t do long distance. Right before Christmas I started talking to guy #5... he lived about an hour away from where I am so I already knew that was going to be kind of a stretch trying to get together. But he seemed to want to make it work out so I was up for whatever... again... trying to be open to possibilities. 

One of my “things” that is kind of a deal breaker for me is a dude with bad teeth... I don’t know why its SUCH a big deal for me... but it is. So the first time I met this dude that’s probably the first thing I noticed. I wasn’t really that into him... he seemed very serious, but he was very nice. Texted every day. Responded in a pretty timely fashion. Was willing to drive all the way here to meet me. Paid. Worked with animals and was very passionate about what he did. So as much as I didn’t like the teeth situation I chose to look past that. We went out a handful of times.. held hands at the movies... never kissed... but he seemed to want to take things at a respectable pace. Which I was fine with. He seemed like a pretty stand up guy.

Well about two weeks ago, he had told me that he had some big financial issue come up but didn’t go into details. I didn’t really expect him to since we’d only been seeing each other a couple weeks. But so I offered to drive up there and do things that didn’t cost money... he would either bail, or just come up with reasons why he didn’t want it to happen. It just seemed odd. But I told myself that he was just dealing with shit and it would pass. After a few times of him bailing though with no notice I started getting pissy about it. He knew my schedule and when I was available and just didn’t even try. SO the other day he had finally said we would do something after he was done with work. I was pleasantly surprised. The day came and I had texted him and just asked him to let me know the game plan of when and where to meet. Nothing. And here’s the thing... he has an iphone so it goes through as imessage... and he had his read receipts on so I could tell when he read my messages. But this morning they weren’t even going through as imessages... they were going through as normal texts. I thought that was odd, but we also had some CRAZY storms the night before so I didn’t know if he just had lost service or something.. idk... I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I sent him a facebook message hoping maybe he’d see that. Well as you probably know on messenger you can see when people see the messages... well it said he’d seen my messages and was not responding... I got so mad... and basically told him I was done at that point. Well at about 8pm that night I got a message from his fb saying “he’s not ignoring you, he’s in jail” 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? 

pretty sure that was my exact reaction in message from also... so turns out he was in jail... The person I was talking to was his girlfriend...yep, you heard that right! His girlfriend... who he’s apparently been with since 2014. Just kill me, right? Well just wait, it gets better... can you imagine? Well apparently she was also talking to another girl who he’d also been seeing...who then also messaged me... It was really just a shit show. So the gf wouldn’t tell me what he was in jail for... so my friend and I started doing some googling. Found out it was for an out of county warrant... which could be for anything right? could be small... and then we saw that his bond was for 10k!! That is not some small offense.... So all that happens. I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself for some reason... part of me just wanted to give him more shit and to tell him off instead of just not talking to him anymore and giving him that satisfaction. Again... don’t messed with a woman scorned... haha

So I sent him a text asking him if he wanted to explain himself or if his girlfriend had told me all I needed to know. He didn’t respond until later the next day...saying he didn’t have a girlfriend and wasn’t seeing anyone else... to which I replied, “what about *other girl’s name*? heard from her last night too... you aren’t seeing her either right??” he said he was... fucking dirtbag... and then told me to leave him alone. I told him to have fun playing mind games with all these girls but I wouldn’t be part of it anymore... and then he said “bye...stop messing with my life”

HOW DARE YOU!?!?!? ME messing with YOUR life?!?!?! OH HELLLLLLLLL NAHH.

So I basically said that to him in maybe a few more words... and was done with him. 

With all of these things I’ve decided to swear off online dating... and potentially dating in general for awhile.. I’m pretty over men at this point. I just feel like I’ve had some really terrible luck... And those were only the ones that I met multiple times.... don’t even get me started on the in betweens that I met once or never met at all... The point is ONLINE DATING BLOWS!!!!!!

I’ve decide that I’m going to focus on myself right now. I’m getting a gym membership. I’m focusing hard on working. I want to make my place here more homey. I need to figure out my car situation. I need to find a place to live for the summer in NC. SOOO that is what I’m going to do. 

I went today to my acupuncturist who, as soon as she saw me could tell I wasn’t right... she immediately asked if I was stressed and said she could tell I was carrying it all in my shoulders... she’s amazing btw. haha. So she reset me a little bit today and just helped me refocus. 

I plan to focus on all the positive in my life. Its so easy to get caught up in the negative. I am going to try hard to recognize at least 10 things per day that I am grateful for. I’m going to start writing again, be it on here or in my actual journal. I used to journal ALLLLL the time and I haven’t in SOOO long. I’ve lost sight of that. I would also really like to have music back in my life. Like real music... I want to sing again.... I want to spend more time listening to music and doing productive things rather than sitting around watching movies or binge watching netflix. Its so easy to do those things. Now that I’m happy in my job and everything I have time to start challenging myself again. :) 

anyway. Thank you for reading. I know it was long and personal.