#but to include a black man and to force toxic masculinity and family trauma and a speech impediment on his character and THEN force his

[scattoo]

Just binged all of Bidgerton on Netflix and holy shit. That sucked.

Don’t get me wrong. There is a moderately diverse cast in a setting that is all-too-often only white actors & actresses, but the POC represented in the show are based in some bleh stereotypes (sure, maybe the book included it all, but nonetheless) and treated like shit.

Spoilers under the cut

To be clear, I haven’t read the book, I am coming out of this very fresh from watching the entire show in one sitting, and I am a white teenage girl. This isn’t going to be astonishing world breaking info but I feel it’s worth mentioning that the show sucked. Please feel free to let me know if anything I say is inherently not correct/ok- I am happy to learn and grow.

So, the first half of the season rocked. Being someone who genuinely enjoys period dramas, especially romantic high society types, I was really pleased. The characters were decently fleshed out, the conflicts were not too clichéd, and there was a pleasantly surprising cast of diverse actors. Awesome!

Simon and Daphne get married, a deeply indulgent feeling, and then poof! There is another episode (much to my surprise) and it all goes downhill.

My mom immediately points out that there will be conflict about how Simon said he wouldn’t have a child, not that he couldn’t. I complained at length about how the show was suddenly one long sex scene. The tone radically shifted and the writing felt different, much more soap-y and unengaging.

Then Daphne, in my opinion (and I swear it is of the legal opinion too, but I’m too tired and frustrated to research it,) raped Simon. Over a misunderstanding.

And that’s it! She never apologizes. She continues to push his boundaries and disrespect his privacy & needs, and the show encourages it. I heard that this was their PC version of the book, but when you have a character do something like that, you shouldn’t just brush it off, right? Apparently not. Simon was admonished for not apologizing and getting over his pride; his need to uphold his vow made from trauma mocked. The narrative tells you that for all intents and purposes, it is actually quite strange that Simon cannot change his mind about having kids after a lifetime of trauma surrounding his childhood. And then the show ends with vague notion of how love overcomes all and how you have to make an effort to maintain a marriage and they have a baby. Yay, what an exciting ending!

Needless to say, I was pissed. One of two main characters of color and not only was he raped but also completely stripped of his choice to not have kids, or even consider unpacking his trauma without a preachy “you’re damaged!” speech from Daphne. Not even to touch on the situation with his father nor the fact that essentially all POC aside from Simon and the ~queen~ are poor or working class people, the show does a shit job with it’s representation. There are some notions about how fortunate Simon and his pseudo-mother are for their status, which I suppose might explain away that working class majority, but it was not touched on enough to seem like anything other than PC points or angst.

I’m just so mad to have been lead into a great show with cool characters and an engaging introduction only to be so let down, all under the guise of “love heals all wounds! <3” when sincerely, the most human and realistic end was a divorce. It wouldn’t have felt good, but jesus, what an ass story.

I did like the filmography and the design of the whole show otherwise. It just really disappointed me.

[starburstman]

Sing Headcanons

This one is gonna be kinda long

- so as humans I hc that Rosita and Ash are latina (however Rositas kids don't speak spanish), Meena is black, Johnny is British Pakistani, Nooshy is East Asian, Gunter is European, Buster is aboriginal and Eddies family is also black

- It’s a fact that Elephants tread really lightly so sometimes, Meena will walk in behind someone and they may not notice at first. It’s basically this scene from the office (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x03V4cTXNF4&ab_channel=mbalallo)

- Rosita was a total BAMF. She was basically Maeve Wiley. Total overachiever and total badass in highschool (wouldn’t hesitate to light some dudes car on fire if he was a jerk)

- Eddie and Ash love buzzfeed unsolved so basically, they forced the gang to go to a haunted house/famous haunted site and whilst everyone was close to crying they were acting like they were on the show

Ash: FUCK YOU GOATMAN 

Eddie: DON’T TRY IT DEMONS (brings out water gun filled with holy water)

- Meenas mom and Rosita are best friends. THEY ARE LITERALLY MAUREEN AND JEAN FROM SEX EDUCATION (search them up they are the best). Big Daddy (Marcus) was a bit reluctant around them at first but now he goes with them to a book club every week.

- Norman was this nerd and Rosita was weirdly overprotective of him at first and BOOM they developed feelings for eachother

- Nooshy quickly became friends with everyone BUT ASH AND HER GO OFF THE RAILS

Nooshy: iM GONNA COMMIT A CRIME

Ash: YES

Meena: *crying* I am going to have a heartattack

- Surprisingly, Nooshy is a great cook and helps Meena when she bakes (besties T-T)

- JOHNNY AND NOOSHYS FRIENDSHIP IS SO GOOD BUT ALSO KINDA VIOLENT?? She shoves him, fake punches him, almost choked him once

- Alfonso goes by he/they pronouns, also HE IS A MAN THAT WAS WRITTEN BY A WOMAN. Breaking down Toxic Masculinity one day at a time. Very sweet to Meena but Ash and Johnny would never give him a break

- HUMAN! Alfonso had alot of sisters so naturally he knows how to do hair and paint nails really well :D

- they truly began trusting him and liking him when he calmed Meena down from a panic attack before a show started (because sadly anxiety doesn’t go away after a few performances)

- Buster is quite a picky eater but he uses eucalyptus to get high XD He also genuinely believes he can do PARKOUR, but has ended up with almost broken bones on multiple occasions

- Outside of music, alot of the characters have hobbies. Meena can rollerskate amazing, Johnny writes poetry, Nooshy can cook and did gymnastics as a kid, Rosita is a tinkerer at heart and Porshia did alot of ballet dancing

- Ash loves crafts. She is extremely creative as she knows how to sew and design, and she love to sketch and paint. She has made bracelets for alfonso and Meena, and even stuff for Porsha

- For Meena’s father, I headcanon that he was a pretty awful dad, putting down Meena and her mother and basically stuffing a load of trauma into the girl until her mother and him divorced. In this scenario he contributed to her anxiety surrounding singing and putting herself out there

- The humor of the “teens” (including Porsha and Nooshy) is broken af

“Watch your elbow!”

“Watch your lifespan”

- Ash has 3 sisters, shes the middle child and has a rocky relationship with her parents. Mainly due to lack of attention and their dislike in her new lifestyle

- Meena has serious scary punching skills but only Johnny and Ash know this. Once Lance and this creeper friend of his came to bother Ash. Needless to say, the situation ended in black eyes, bruises and Johnny holding a very furious Meena back.

- Meena is very strong guys, she can lift many people.

- Darius and Meena become besties outside of rehearsals. Their best friend dynamic is basically this photo:

- Gunter gives best hugs and he can really tone down the ecstatic behaviour if someone is in trouble. He used to be really insecure about everything but he has learnt to accept himself 

- Rosita and Gunter be besties in and outside of rehearsals. Rosita has considered walking Gunter around on a leash multiple times however based on the way he will sprint to every single store on the block. 

- SEXUALITY HEADCANONS:  (Btw these are my headcanons so if you don't agree its fine!) Nooshy and Johnny are bi, Meena is pan (don’t tell me this girl isn’t she has pan panic every single day), Buster and Eddie are dating, Gunter is gay and nonbinary, Porsha and Ash are lesbians (she was still in the closet when she dated Lance)

- Porshia and Ash used to fight all the time at first (because Porsha was still pretty snobbish and Ash hated that) so Ash would always use Meena to gain height over her (I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND) They became friends later on through a theater accident

- People have a hard time scaring Meena, because she can hear them from a mile away but when she does get scared, she lets out a small trumpet

- HUMAN!! Meena is amazing at doing hair (she kinda needs to be)

- Ash refuses to sleep because she will work on her songs for hours, often having to be dragged to her bed by one of her friends and they need to monitor her so she doesn’t go back to work. She hogs the blanket tho

- Ash and Johnny share an apartment and Meena is coming over for sleepovers 24/7

- Porshia struggled for a long time after her dad went to jail. It was really hard on her

- Johnny = constantly bullied by his friends (they still love him)

[enbyflock2]

The Voices from Religion

CW: body dysphoria, family trauma and abuse, transphobia, homophobia

She came up to me after I finished playing guitar. I had been playing in music ministry almost every Sunday with that same group. She was crying. I hugged her, confused. She thanked me, and said, “Oh my God, it’s you.”

She was my Kindermusic teacher. A year ago, I played the Star Spangled Banner for the Rocking on the River festival. My guitar playing was inappropriate, as Joni Mitchell inspired my soft folk style, and the audience preferred the hard rock of ZZ Top. She was in the audience though.

This woman had cerebral palsy, and was well known as a professional violinist in my hometown. Rarely someone that would come to church because of her condition, she happened to show up that day. 

The tears started for two different reasons. A stranger at church mocked and shunned her for the way she dressed. She was in all-black, sloppy clothes, as her condition made it a struggle to take extra time to dress formally. She sat through that service and started crying, because she was distraught from that hostility, but also found solace through the realization it was me playing so beautifully. Being someone that struggled with vision, she couldn’t see me, but she completely heard and remembered my guitar style from a year ago.

Years later in college, I came home for winter break. My mother, whom I never got along with, said for the first time, “I’m just praying that someday… you will marry a woman.” After my anger ensued, she proclaimed self-righteously, “I. Want. Grandchildren.” I didn’t sleep that night.

The next morning, I talked to the priest from my hometown. He said, “You can’t do that as a Catholic. Praying away the gay.” “I would keep talking and bringing up this conversation to your parents, until it makes them sick.” “God made us this way. Don’t ever forget it.”

Later I discovered my trans identity. My parents found out about my advocacy and openness on the Internet. I met with them in a hotel room, and informed them beforehand: This is a highly sensitive subject. We go by these basic rules of treating each other with decency and respect. Otherwise the results will not be pretty.

Immediately my mom broke those rules, and we both turn feral. Threatened me for using her financial help for advocating for others and myself. Called me mentally disordered and close-minded, and my queer support net (which includes queer college professors) the same. Slapped my face, screaming, “I hope you rot.” (A quick and bitter, “See you in hell, hypocrite,” with a wink as my retort.)

My dad took the higher route after mom stormed out of the room. Listened to me, and how this gender identity affected my life. Let me describe my mental struggles, wrote down terms he never heard before, and sometimes asked politely for clarification. All with patience. Ended it with, “We can leave it here for now.”

Both of my parents are devout Catholics. I was a practicing Catholic until shortly after turning 21, when I decided I was done with church. I have no regrets leaving it behind.

I remember the exchanges I had while settling on this decision. The argument I was having with my parents over being gay. How they always talked down to me about how I’d figure myself out eventually. Voices from years of rejection and redirection, surrounding my lack of ability to conform to gender norms. “We know you better than you know yourself, and you’ll figure it out.”

My understanding of my identity as non-binary and genderqueer arose from a similar framework of those many moments in my past experiences with Catholic religion. I only kept up with church for such a long time because of those vulnerable and kind exchanges, such as from my Kindermusic teacher with cerebral palsy.

But eventually I was challenged with grasping this sharp divide in characters from my past church communities. How can someone like my Kindermusic teacher, the priest, and my father possibly be under the same belief system of that mocking stranger and my mother? The former saw potential direct identity conflicts, and worked either around the identity through other points of convergence, or beyond: by both seeing the identity as being interwoven with their other identities and seeing the person holistically as a human being. The latter saw potential direct identity conflicts, and either struggled with, refused, or rejected working around or beyond, ultimately viewing the person as degenerate.

Every time I try to trace my roots and collected moments of disconnect from being assigned male at birth, I sense those toxic voices of the mocking stranger and my mother. When I occasionally experience dysphoria now, I hear the voices surrounding those internalized inabilities to see around and beyond certain identities of mine.

At my worst, I’d fall into moments where my perception of my body pointed anywhere: “male,” “female,” neuter, androgynous. And I traced the disconnect from how I struggled with seeing beyond my gay sexuality and how this was an integral part of my being. I’m brought back to that adolescent in puberty feeling unsure if no one else loved and dreamed like me in my hometown reality of masculinity, and how I then felt panic in the uncertainty if my growth and shape was natural and pleasurable.

I traced the disconnect from how I struggled with seeing beyond my musical identity and the great potential I had. I’m brought back to that learning musician with so much body tension in the practice and performance spaces, struggling to breathe emotion into my technique under the guise of falsely performing masculinity.

I traced the disconnect back to how I couldn’t see beyond what all those early childhood psychological tests really meant. I’m brought back to that person that never saw themself becoming a school teacher, as I had no men or women to compare my strange learning development with.

I had a yearlong period between my end with Catholic faith and the start of exploring my gender. This period was when I was sinking the most in those voices. But after I explored my gender, it assured me how right my decision was to leave. I was so sheltered with Catholic religion that I wrongly assumed church communities were the only places with this sharp divide in characters, and that I just had to face the radically kind and vulnerable with those dehumanizing others. Then I adjusted my lenses to the framework of my gender, and discovered my whole identity grew from those conflicting social forces in my whole world, everywhere.

The dehumanizing side to my background in gender identity was how my sexual, musical, and psychosocial identities couldn’t breathe or earn validation in my past realities of masculinity, and how this ensued such intense distance from my body. Then the act of exploring gender brought into scope those life experiences of the radically kind and vulnerable. First intimacies with a gay man, bringing me assurance my growth and shape was natural. Finally feeling my body and emotions engaging in the practicing and performance space, through the guidance of music teachers that always believed in me. And facing the possibility that I am neurodivergent, but my mind is worthy and capable of education in music, advocacy, and story telling.

Those life experiences are what help me run quickly through that intense distance from my body. I come back satisfied, pleased, joyous, and lucky with how I am already. I also come back knowing I can never label this body as man or woman because of this horrific disconnect. But I can always call this body one of a person, who makes the best of what life, luck, and privileges has given them.

Sorting through my problems with gender helped me to notice the sharp social divides in Catholic Church climate as a microcosm of our current political climate. We are living under the Trump presidency and the pinnacle of white supremacy and American Fascism, with anyone empathetic or complacent to the cause only observing direct identity conflicts, and lacking ability to see around or beyond.

I know the sad reality of how there is limited to no amount of time to teach those inciting violence in support of Trump. Observing my conservative hometown, certain crowds of people that fear marginalized identities had years of structural socialization informing and shaping this fear, as deep and complex as patriarchal religious organizations themselves. The pressing question is where that point in time is; where an inability to see above or beyond direct identity finally forms and holds firmly, and if it’s ever too late to undo and dismantle those biases? I don’t have a clear answer to this, either personally or politically.

But what I do know is how fortunate I am to be going into a career where I will be given time and influence to undo and dismantle those biases, in myself and my students. I’m down the path to becoming an educator. My dreams include becoming a high school band teacher, private lesson instructor, music performer, a leader in smaller organizations associated with National Foundation for Music Education (NAfME), and a queer advocate. I notice how I was able to find community and connections with places and people that I was told I should have been disconnected from as a trans person, (including my past religious communities.) I feel my ability of reconnection with people even in my understanding of my own gender identity. Now I have to hold myself accountable with the privileges that made developing this ability possible in the first place. I know it can be done through grounding myself in the voices that supported my growth in identities, and remembering their perspectives as a guide.