#but this one did. And I think it's partly cos I care about Leon so much

[hephaestuscrew]

By the way, I am still thinking about the Greater Boston Season 4 finale, and I am obsessed with the idea that when you have days where you wake feeling strange and unsettled without any identifiable cause, it might be because someone who you never met but who would have narrated you kindly has passed on out of the world.

[lightsburnbrite]

Things We Do for Love: Part 3

(Third part to Such a Thrill and The Devil is in the Details) 

The next morning, Leon left the apartment early using training as an excuse. Instead he swung by Karina’s favorite cafe and got a couple of coffees and chocolate croissants to go. He was able to get the waiter to give out Karina’s room number and he hoped that he’d catch her before she left.

Karina wasn’t asleep, but she had no desire to leave the bed yet. She debated just ignoring the knock at the door but the second one seemed a bit more urgent. Against her better judgement, Karina opened the door when she saw Leon through the door viewer.

“Hello.” Karina looked up at him, her eyeliner and mascara smudged just enough to give her an unintentional smokey eye.

Leon gave a slight nod of acknowledgment and smiled that she was obviously comfortable enough with him to open the door in just a t shirt and underwear. “I need to apologize for Mathea last night. Breakfast?”

“Just for Mathea?” Karina laughed as she stepped aside so he was able to walk through. “You don’t take any ownership in the train wreck of last night?”

Leon waited for Karina to lead the way in. She stopped at a small seating area separate from the bedroom and sat crisscross in an oversized armchair prompting him to sit down opposite of her. “I should have called but I figured you’d say no. Listen, I know I fucked up last night and I should have asked if you’d be ok with Mathea there but I just assumed that he’d be coming with you.”

“Who is he? What makes you think I’m seeing someone?” Karina's tone was strained as she searched Leon’s expression, trying to see if he’d give anything away.

He held his hands up. “Look, you don’t need to be so hostile-”

“Well maybe I don’t like being ambushed, Leon. You show up with Mathea last night,” Karina tilted her head back, reminding herself to unclench her jaw. “She was wearing my wedding dress, and then you keep insinuating that I’m seeing someone. How am I supposed to react to that?”

“I wasn't stalking you, it's just that…nobody knew where you were.” Leon cleared his throat. “Even your brother didn’t know. Sebastian saw a post on facebook that you were tagged in and it said you were his girlfriend. He…has pictures of Elsa on his instagram so I figured it was serious.”

Karina attempted to keep any sort of emotion from coming through but she was infuriated by the idea that he was checking up on her. When Leon only offered a slight shrug, she pinched the bridge of her nose. “We broke up last month but Cos was nice enough to keep Elsa and Ember for me while I'm here.”

“Ember?” Leon sat up straighter now.

Karina retrieved her phone from the bedroom and made a few swipes before handing it to Leon. There he saw the man whom he had become all too familiar with laying on a bed with Elsa sprawled out next to him and a similar tricolored pup laying on his chest.

“I thought Elsa could use a friend.” Leon glanced up slightly and Karina shrugged. “You can go through my phone if you want, I don’t care.”

He hesitated at first but soon scrolled through and saw more pictures of Cosmo and the dogs but also pictures of the two of them. Suddenly it hit Leon that the pictures of the two of them were out an about, at different events and parties, even professional baseball games. Things that they never did together. He remembered back when Karina complained about it and Leon basically shrugged it off.

“I’m sorry.” Leon shook his head and handed her phone back. “I was just so worried when no one had heard anything from you. Part of me just wanted to know that you were safe.”

She gave a slight smile, she couldn’t begrudge him his curiosity knowing it stemmed from concern. “I’m fine, Leon, ok? It’s fine.”

“Just fine? I mean, you’ve practically created a whole new life and you’re only fine?” His voice raised slightly, concern ever present.

Pressing her lips together, Karina took a sip of her coffee. “I needed to make a whole new life, there was nothing left for me here.”

“I was here.” Leon locked eyes with her. “I was here but you left me.”

She held his gaze for a moment before a look of skepticism took over. "Why do you think I left, Leon?"

"I…" He hesitated for a moment, scratching the back of his head. "I still don't know."

“How would we have worked through you wanting kids when I don't?" She managed to keep her composure despite the tears that were collecting on her cheeks. "I still think that maybe I should have just given in because then maybe things could have been normal but I kept imagining me hating this innocent kid and I couldn't live with that. My marriage was over, my family disowned me. There was nothing left for me here except pain.”

Leon looked genuinely hurt by Karina’s emphasis on her last sentence so she decided to elaborate her answer. “I enjoy my job, I have a nice little house, and I spend my time with my dogs. Given everything that has happened, I’m pretty content with my life right now.”

"Were you in love with him?" His voice was low, almost a whisper, as if he was afraid of what Karina's answer might be.

Karina rolled her eyes. "I won't answer that, Leon."

With a heavy sigh, Leon closed his eyes and nodded. "Do you regret it?"

"Regret what?" Karina frowned, confused by his question. "Getting married?"

He only offered a shrug at first. "Everything between us."

Tears continued to stream down her cheeks as Karina shook her head. "You've helped me through some of the lowest points in my life and I will be forever grateful for that. I loved being married to you."

"Would we still be married if I never said anything about kids?" Leon took his thumb and wiped her cheeks before letting his hand fall back down.

Karina adamantly shook her head now. "Don't do this to yourself."

"No, be honest with me." He took hold of her hands and gave a slight squeeze. "I want to know."

She stayed silent for a while before speaking. "I don't think I made a very good wife for you."

"Maus, please just answer my question." Leon's tone became more pleading, partly because he knew what she was going to say.

With the slightest nod, Karina leaned forward and rested her head against his chest.

"We could run away." He rested one hand on the back of Karina's neck while wrapping his free arm around her shoulders. "Just start over."

Karina stepped back and shook her head. "That's never going to happen. I love you, Leon and I care about you tremendously, but you have to realize we can never go back from here."

"Well, I mean not actually run away," Leon let out a nervous laugh before the smile fell from his face. "Why not?"

Covering her face with her hands, Karina let out a heavy sigh. "Where do you want me to start? I will always be wondering if I'm preventing you from being happy, the first thing you did was to turn to Mathea so how am I to be convinced that you will ever be finished with her, and if all that wasn't enough, your family hates me because I left you."

He shook his head and started to protest. "That's not true."

"Really?" Karina let a little smirk lay on her lips, a way of giving him permission to be truthful.

"I mean," Leon hesitated again. "It's not that-"

Karina cut him off by giving him the slightest of kisses before sitting back down and sitting criss cross in her chair. "It's ok, Leon, really. It is what it is."

Leon slumped back down in his chair but frowned. "I don't get it, you say you love me but you're so willing to let go."

"It's because I do love you." She wiped her eyes again. "I want you to be happy, even if that means we're not together. We just want different things from life and as shitty as it seems right now, sometimes that happens."

Covering his eyes with the heels of his palms, Leon stayed silent for a moment. "What if I just want you back? What if want you more than I want anything else?"

Up until now, it seemed like Karina had an answer for everything. Her brow knitted, fresh tears came fast.

Leon stood, a move which prompted Karina to do the same, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling Karina tightly against his chest. "I've been miserable with out you. I don't care what your answer is, I just need to let you know."

Karina didn't respond. Instead, she simply wrapped her arms around his neck and returned his embrace. Finally, she stepped back. "I think you should probably go…before we do something that we'd regret."

"I regret agreeing to separate with out counseling or something, I regret not fighting for you to stay." Leon interrupted, shaking his head.

She sighed as she wiped her face again. "It wouldn't be fair to Mathea…go home, go on with your life."

Leon frowned. "Maus, you're not listening to me."

"If you still feel this way after a few months then…we'll talk." Karina couldn't say it, she had her doubts that Leon would still want her. Instead, Leon simply smiled broadly.

Leon was curious to see how their relationship would progress once Karina returned to Toronto. At first, he was slightly cautious in his advances, sending her memes and the occasional selfie. When Karina started texting him spontaneously, Leon knew things were becoming more favorable for their future together.

Although Leon resisted sending Karina a gift on the date of their anniversary, when her birthday came around, he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

As soon as he got the delivery notification, Leon waited for the call.

He smiled broadly as he answered. "Hey Maus."

"You didn't need to send me flowers." There wasn't a single bit of admonishment in her tone. Instead, he could tell she was smiling as well.

He laughed at this. "I love how you think I'm not going to send you flowers on your birthday."

"Thank you." There was a little sigh on her end. "They're beautiful. The ring too."

It wasn't as though Leon was looking, but as soon as he saw the ring, a cushion cut black onyx surrounded by bezel set diamonds and a platinum band, he thought of Karina. "I'm glad you like it." He grinned again but had no intentions of letting Karina know that. "I've gotta go now Maus, but I love you."

"Leon," Karina started to chastise him but gave up. After a long pause, she sighed again. "I love you too."

Leon continued to keep an eye on the social media feeds of AGO, sometimes he'd get lucky and there would be a feature involving Karina. This morning, there was a picture of Karina and three others standing around a large painting. He smirked at how everyone was dressed in business casual attire and then there was Karina in her black mini dress and studded leather jacket. He felt a pang as he looked her over, he was still very much in love with her and very much attracted to her.

As Leon read the caption, his smile grew. "…AGO would like to thank Karina Müller for her time as acting Associate Curator of European Art. We will miss her as she returns to the Alte Pinakothek in Munich…"

That was it. Karina was coming home.

Leon spent the rest of the day on cloud nine. His training went well and he felt generally untouchable. He checked his phone before he left the parking lot and noticed a text from Karina asking him to call her if he was able to. There was no question as to if he was going to or not.

"Leon?"

"Hey, Maus. What's up?"

Her initial hesitation made Leon hold hid breath.

"I…um, I have a favor to ask of you. I know it's asking a lot so feel free to say no. I mean, it's ok if-"

"Babe." He didn't like cutting her off but he had the feeling that she would have gone on for a bit longer if he hadn't. "What do you need?"

"I'm going back to work at the museum. Most of the time I'll be working from home but I'll go in once or twice a week. Nena asked me to come in on Wednesday and I didn't expect to be going in that soon-"

"Come stay with me."

Again, she hesitated. "Are you sure? I'd have the dogs with me. Would Mathea even be ok with that? I know it's a huge boundary."

"I broke up with Mathea as soon as I left your hotel room. I want you, and the dogs, to come and stay with me as long as you need to."

"I can sleep on the couch if the guest room isn't open." Karina had a hint of disbelief in her voice as if she expected there to be some wavering on Leon's part.

"Or you can sleep in my bed." He really wanted to add that she could sleep in his bed with him but Leon didn't want to push his luck. "I'll take the couch."

He heard Karina let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Leon. I owe you."

"We can discuss that once you get here. Call me when you land and I'll come pick you up."

As soon as he got home, Leon got to work in making things ready for Karina's visit. He cleared some space in the closet and made sure there was an extra set of towels in the en suite bathroom before making a list of some things he wanted to get in the shops. He was in the middle of checking to see if there was a jar of Nutella in the cupboard when Sebastian sent him a message in the group chat about going out tomorrow night. His simple reply of can't. busy elicited some smart ass retorts. Leon thought about explaining that Karina was coming home but Marius was included in the chat and it was still up in the air how Marius would react.

[growingupguidepup]

Adventures In Puppy Raising Part 6: The Hard Part

At some point in the journey of every service dog puppy raiser, the puppy moves on to next stage of their life. Some will be career-changed or released from the program they started with, and others will go on to the next phase of training. If puppies go on to more training, this is when they leave their puppy raisers. This for me is the hardest part of the process, and I recently had to hand Penny over to Brigadoon Service Dogs so she could take the next step in her journey to become a service dog.

With all of our previous puppies we were given at least a month’s notice before we turned them in to the organizations. But with Penny, things happened a little differently. This was partly because Brigadoon runs differently than either of the two other organizations that we have raised for, partly because of uncontrollable events.

One of the co-founders of Brigadoon, Leon, just passed away, and Matt and I decided to make the trip up to Washington to attend his memorial services. Brigadoon is a very small organization, and it was important for us to be there to support them. When we let them know that we would be there, we were told that it would be a good time to bring Penny with us so she could stay behind and begin advanced training.

Normally we have time to prepare ourselves mentally; we have a chance to do some “lasts” with our puppy. We try to do all of that puppy’s favorite things, make sure they see their favorite people and dog friends. After all, when I have had a puppy for a year or more and help them grow and develop, it can be hard on my heart to let them go. I know that when I take on a new puppy that I will have to one day say goodbye, and it is part of the process.

“I have always wondered if other people could see the same potential that I saw in them as baby puppies, and they do.”

When we turned puppies in for Guide Dogs for the Blind, all puppies were turned in on a weekend. We could choose which day (Saturday or Sunday), and what time we took our puppies to the kennel (as long as it was during kennel hours). I also had the choice to walk the puppies to their kennel or hand the leash off to a kennel attendant. I always had the attendant take our puppies from us so that they didn’t see me leave them. When we turned Patrick in, we had a set date and time for turn-in. There was a luncheon and then we loaded Patrick up into their training vans for transport to the kennels.

Turning Penny in for training was a very different process from any other puppy. I will be the first to admit that we got very unusual and somewhat special treatment. How things went for us is not the normal procedure. We flew in on a Thursday morning and drove to Tahoma National Cemetery for a military memorial service, it was a beautiful service. Matt and I had a chance to meet and talk with employees who work at the correctional facilities where Penny’s siblings, Bernard and Bianca, have been training. It was nice to hear that everyone is very fond of the two of them and how sweet everyone thinks they are. I have always wondered if other people could see the same potential that I saw in them as baby puppies, and they do. They were all happy to meet the “other” sibling as well.

After the service we drove to Brigadoon. Denise was very kind to let us stay in a small room above the team training room. She even let Penny stay with us rather than putting her in the kennels right away. We had planned to stay for multiple days and we were able to get Penny comfortable with the grounds and the people who work and volunteer at Brigadoon gradually over that time.

The day after we arrived we took some time with Penny and explored the area, and what a beautiful area it is. We visited the downtown area for the first time and also checked out some of the different neighborhoods. We had a chance to see Bianca, whom we hadn’t seen since we dropped her off at 10 weeks old. She had grown so much, but was just as beautiful as she was as a puppy. Her temperament was very similar to Penny’s. She was shy and a little wary of people that she didn’t know, but warmed up very quickly. She was still very sweet and gentle. She didn’t recognize us right away, but I do think that after a little while she started to remember.

On Saturday, we had a chance to reunite Penny and Bianca with the help of one of the volunteers who helps take care of the dogs. We first let Penny and Bianca see each other through a fence, with each dog in her own area. After we gave them a few minutes to sniff and check each other out, we let them in one of the enclosed pens together. They were both so happy and immediately started playing together. Penny is actually a bit bigger than her sister and I don’t think that Bianca was used to being around a dog bigger than she is. After we saw that they were going to get along well, we let them into the very large play area where they were free to run to their hearts’ desire. What an amazing sight it was to see both dogs running together. When Penny can run full out it is quite a beautiful thing.

Another volunteer joined us in the play yard. Penny had been very wary of him earlier in the morning, but when she was in the play yard with Bianca and saw that Bianca was friends with him she was much more relaxed. He started playing fetch with the girls and that really helped Penny trust him. This was exactly what Penny needed. She needed to learn to trust the people at Brigadoon and see that it was a place where she would be safe and have fun.

Later that morning we helped set up for a reception for Leon being held at Brigadoon. While we helped, Penny had a chance to get acclimated with the kennels. This was a very important thing for Penny—kennel stress along with trusting people she didn’t know were my biggest worries about her. So an introduction to the kennels while we were still there was nice for all of us. She had a chance to learn the routine of the kennel and meet more of the people who help out and care for the dogs.

Once again the reception was lovely. We learned what an amazing person Leon was and how Brigadoon wouldn’t be here without his help. Many wonderful stories were told about him and both Matt and I wished that we had a chance to get to know him. We were both reminded again why we fell in love with this small but wonderful organization.

 After the reception we took Penny for a walk at a local park that was absolutely beautiful, with waterfalls included. While on the walk we met a really nice woman who had adopted a released dog from Brigadoon. She too had nothing but great things to say about Brigadoon as an organization and the people who are a part of it. We got some of our last pictures with Penny and got ourselves prepared to spend our last night with her. Sometimes you just don’t want that night to end.

Spending the day in the kennel and probably feeling our emotional stress started to get to Penny and she did throw up in the car on the way back to Brigadoon. She hadn’t fully finished her breakfast or her dinner the night before either, so it was pretty obvious that she was feeling a little stressed about the change of routine. I spent some time cuddling with her that night and reassuring her that she will be in good hands. She was pretty exhausted and slept really well that night.

The next morning she didn’t really want to eat, but I took her out for some playtime and then she was more relaxed and ate a little bit for me. We let her hang out in the large play yard while we took a chance to play with the absolutely adorable six-week-old litter of collie puppies that Denise’s own personal dog had. I can’t resist puppies! Penny was definitely enjoying her time outside in the grass and trees.

Then it was time to pack up our things and get ready to drive to Seattle to catch our flight home. Penny was set up in her kennel and hanging out with one of the trainers. While I packed up, Matt spent some one-on-one time with Bianca and when I finished packing I took some time to play with her as well. And then we had one final play session with Penny. She absolutely loved being outside there; that is all she wanted to do almost the entire weekend. Once again, I didn’t want it to end and leave for home.

When it was finally time for us to leave, we took Penny to her kennel. We left her “My Little Pony” blanket, a few of her favorite toys, her pink elephant, and of course her pink bunny. This was the first time we were able to leave something familiar with any of our puppies.

“… there is a part of me that is hoping that I do get that call that Penny wants to come back to us, but there is also a part of me that really hopes that she excels without me and goes on to do great things for someone that really needs her more than I do.”

People may think I’m weird or crazy, but each puppy I drop off I talk to them and I hope that they understand what I am saying. I tell them how proud of them I am and that they are destined to do great things, no matter what their path is. Penny was no different. As I hugged her goodbye I told her how much I loved her and how proud I am of her. That her future was her choice, if the stress was too much for her to let someone know and that they would call me to come get her, but I really wanted to her give this training a chance before she decided. I told her that I will be forever grateful for having her in my life and that she helped make me whole again even though she will always have a piece of my heart. Each puppy we raise is special, each different and unique. With each one the experience and lessons I learn from them is just as unique as each puppy.

With Penny, she is special for so many reasons. She is the first puppy that we got to name. She is the first puppy that we got to actually choose to be the puppy we raised. She is the first puppy that was as big as I am. And probably the biggest reason that she is special is that she came into my life when I needed her the most. Along with letting go of Bianca and Bernard first, it was being able to raise Penny for the last year that showed me that I can still be a puppy raiser. My heart was very fragile but she helped heal me as a person that I don’t think that I am able to fully explain. Penny has a very powerful thing about her and I have seen her make other people who are emotionally hurting feel better. She seems to know and her gentle loving nature (and pushy need to hug) has some sort of magic.

Now I will be totally honest, there is a part of me that is hoping that I do get that call that Penny wants to come back to us, but there is also a part of me that really hopes that she excels without me and goes on to do great things for someone that really needs her more than I do. I know that she is in great hands with Denise and the crew at Brigadoon. The love and care they give their dogs is why I chose to place all three puppies with them. I know that they will do what is best for each of them. When we landed from our flight home we had a text message waiting for us letting us know that Penny had eaten all of her dinner, a good sign that she wasn’t too stressed out and adjusting already. Six days after we left Penny we got a short video of her playing fetch with one of the board members and volunteer, she looked so happy. We even got another short video of her in her kennel snuggled up and sucking on her bunny, so I know that they are doing everything they can to keep Penny happy, comfortable, and on the path to becoming a service dog.

So what is next for Penny? There is a chance that she might head to one of the correctional facilities and start learning more defined skills. The inmates are a huge part in almost all the Brigadoon dogs leaning the skills they need to assist someone. Almost like intermediate training. We did the foundation work, the inmates will do more advanced work and then the staff at Brigadoon will do the fine tuning when it is clear what type of work will be best suited for Penny. She still has about another year’s worth of training and learning ahead of her and we will eagerly await to see what path she chooses.

And what is next for us? Well Oscar is … we didn’t come home empty-handed. Like I said, we love this organization and want to continue to support them. We brought home with us a super eager to learn and energetic 15-week-old fox red Labrador puppy. So our next adventure is just beginning and hopefully now after our latest trip, a long relationship with Brigadoon Service Dogs. So stay tuned for more on the adventures with Oscar …so far he looks like he is going to be a really fun guy!

For more details on our products and services, please feel free to visit us at: service dog, service dog law, service dog etiquette, service dog puppy raiser, guide dog.