#but this constant search for more and better just made me incredibly unhappy and insecure

[ricoka]

I honestly think everything going on with AI is so incredibly discouraging and frustrating for artists. Posting art online is already incredibly hard, finding the people interested in what you make even more so, especially when you're not on a certain level or have a style that's trendy at the moment. But then you're still exploited at every opportunity without being able to consent to it, or receive any kind of credit or compensation. As if the way fandom developed isn't already frustrating and discouraging enough.

[littledreamybeth]

Leaving you

A/N: This is bullshit... I really should stop writing forever... But you decide so here we go... sorry for any kinds of mistakes...

Summary: Harry’s public life becomes to much for Y/N

All my life I had been the one who’s heart got broken every damn time, but never had I imagined that one day I would be the one to break someone else’s heart. Especially if that person didn’t do anything severe.

Especially if that person was Harry Styles; the kindest, loveliest and the most amazing person I’ve ever met and had been with.

When I chose to date him, but I hadn’t expected to feel miserable as I was doing now.

I’ve really thought I was capable of enduring all the hardships that our relation and Harry’s public life brought along, however, I came to conclusion that I had been terribly mistaken and had totally underestimated myself. The constant hate plus cyberbullying, the paparazzi being hot on my heels for 24/7 straight and thousands of cheating rumors circling around on tabloids about my boyfriend apparently meeting another hot super model behind my back- all of these incidents just overweighed my mental capacity and added even more fuel to the fire, namely; my fucked up insecurities. This heavy burden was more than I could ever handle or carry on my shoulders.

Unfortunately, I had to choose. It was either my mental health, which was far more important to me than anything else at the moment because I was almost at the verge of going insane, or my relationship with Harry that would keep me unhappy. It’s not that I didn’t love him; I’ve given my heart to him bits by bits, sacrificing everything that I had left only to receive his love and to hold his heart in my hands. Now, I realized how badly the consequences influenced me.

It had never occurred to me that I would suffer so severely under our relationship.

I had been always someone with major insecurities and after starting to date Harry, they didn’t get any better. I thought perhaps he could help me to defeat them so I could change into the strong young woman that I had dreamed of being. A young woman who loved herself the way she was. I was still far away from that destination.

Additionally, to my fucked up self, I started to develop paranoia thanks to damn paparazzi. There had been no moment in which I could step out of my house-somebody found where I lived unfortunately- without being bombarded with thousands of questions. I wasn’t even the famous one, so why following me around?

Also, the rumors about Harry added some trust issues and who would ever want a girlfriend who thought you would cheat on her whenever you went out with your female friends? Harry didn’t deserve such a girlfriend like me.

I tried to explain my problem, hoping he would comprehend the issue and why I had chosen to break up.

But Harry didn’t take it positively at all.

We were standing in the middle of my living room, his tall frame hovering over mine, making me feel small.

“You’re leaving me? Why?”

I articulate with the correct words so he wouldn’t be offended at the end. It wasn’t his fault anyway. “Everything is getting too much recently, Harry. I don’t think I can handle it. I’m not feeling well at all.”

“If that’s so we can get you professional help, how about that? I can arrange a meeting with the best therapist in London?” He tried to compromise. I could see panic being reflected in his green orbs. The fear of losing me.

“I don’t think it will help. Harry, it’s not that what I want.”

He looked at me confused.

“What is it then?”

I sighed, “I need a break from your public life. I know we’ve been together for a long while, but I still haven’t got used to it and I’m sorry that it took me so long to tell you. I thought could get accustomed to everything, but I didn’t. I want my private life back. I want to live in peace.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, love. Maybe we could leave until you feel better then?”

“Mental health conditions do not change overnight, Harry.”

“What do you want me to do, then?”

“Nothing,” I said, although it was quite obvious what I intended with this conversation.

“You’re very eager to get rid of me, aren’t ya?” His voice, which once held a soft undertone whenever he would speak, sounded so poisonous and unfamiliar in a sudden, I couldn’t recognize it at all. For a moment, it felt like as if a stranger that I’ve never met or heard before was talking to me and not my loving boyfriend. When I dared to look into his eyes with the last ounce of courage I had, a shudder went through my body from head to toe because I could clearly see the anger fuming behind his usually gentle green orbs. They were emitting complete darkness, making me feel little under his piercing gaze. Not being able to withstand the eye contact any longer, my glance fell down to his hands which he had so tightly fisted into two balls, I practically saw his knuckles turning very white. He flared his nostrils. His chest heaved strongly with every intake of breath. I knew he tried to stay calm, but despite his attempts, he was going to explode soon and if that happened, oh lord, you had to run as far as you could and search for a hiding place.

Harry was unrecognizable when he was mad. Dangerous even. But he would never raise his hand against me. At least that’s what I was hoping.

“You can’t wait to leave me.”

I shook my head unbelievingly, gaping at him. Although I was freaking scared, I still tried to hold my ground. “That’s not true, Harry. You know that. Stop twisting my words so you have a reason to be angered.”

He snorted. “I have a fucking reason to be mad. You’re leaving me and act like as if it wasn’t a big deal to you. So, excuse me miss if I’m getting upset at you for making me feel unworthy to your standards.”

“Standards? What in god’s name are you talking about?! I gave you a fucking valid reason why I chose to end things with you and all you gathered from what I’ve said is this? I never claimed you were being unworthy, I just stated that I don’t think I can keep up with your life anymore. It is affecting my mental health, don’t you get it? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I have no privacy, for fucks sake. There is no day in which I’m not followed around by rude people showing their cameras into my face because they need some new headlines to gossip about. The majority of your fandom hates me, and I can’t even walk on the streets without fearing of being attacked. People call me ugly, they call me fat and unfitting for you. So, for the love of god, show some understanding! Stop making everything about you!” Another wave of tears was brimming my eyes. I was so tired of crying.

I really hoped I had spoken some sense into his stubborn mind, but unfortunately my speech had achieved the exact opposite reaction than I was expecting. Instead, things started to escalate.

“About me?!”

A loud bang echoed through the entire room. My wall had a dent.

“I’ve told you before!” Harry yelled. I was sure the entire building was able to hear him by now. His outburst made me flinch and back away a few steps in fright.

“I’ve told you exactly what you’d get yourself into if you chose to be with me and do you want me to remind you of what you answered back then?! You said you could handle it! It was you who said that as long as we have each other, our love would overcome everything! You fucking promised me my life was not a bother to you, you assured me that you wouldn’t run away like the ones I’ve dated before you because there was no way that you were like them. You promised to stay!! Look at you now; you prove that you’re no different than anybody else I was with!”

He was right. He was completely in the right and I couldn’t blame him for that.

“I know…” I whispered underneath my breath.

Harry groaned and went back and forth, his fingers grasping his chocolate curls so tightly, I feared he was going to rip them off his skull. Anguish was written all across his face.

“Fuck!” he screamed. The next time I looked at him, he was on the ground.

“Love, please,” he begged on his knees, his glossy eyes staring into my soul, “I’m ready to give up anything for you if you stay. Ask me anything you want, and you’ll have it, I promise. You’re the reason why life is getting easier for me every day. You give me a little bit of normality at times where I feel so out of place, as if I didn’t belong to anywhere in this world. I’m so sick of people seeing me as the Harry Styles. I’m sick of people putting me up on a pedestal or using me. I hate hiding a part of me in fear that I might get criticized. You, however, you see the real me. You don’t judge me but embrace who I am. You accept me. Please, I need you or I will lose myself. You’re my guardian angel that I need to keep.”

He slung his arms around my legs, hugging them so tightly that I couldn’t move from my spot. His desperate cries rang through my ear drums and found their way down to my heart, cutting it into two halves. My lungs burned from the lack of air. I just noticed now that I had stopped breathing. I was incredibly conflicted. I knew leaving him would make things less complicated for me than staying.

As selfish as it sounded and no matter how much I loved him, I had to improve my mental condition and focus on myself before I invested anything into our relationship again. My well-being was what mattered the most. Call me a fucking bitch for breaking Harry’s heart but believe me when I tell you that dumping him was the hardest challenge I’ve ever been through.

“Harry…” I sighed, trying to pry off his arms from my legs, “you know I can’t. I’m wasn’t made for this public life.”

I gazed down at him. Shoulders hanging low, his head pointing to the ground and his legs crossed, he sat there in a deafening silence. The tension between us made me a dizzy a lot. I took this short moment of quietness to gather my thoughts and to plan the next steps in my head.

And then, Harry’s voice reverberated through the room.

“If I leave through that door, this is it,” he said without any emotion behind his words. His dull and tired eyes met mine. Raising his arm, he pointed at the front door. “If I leave through that door, I won’t come back, and you will never see me again. I’ll cut you out of my heart. So, choose wisely, Y/N because there are no second chances.”

I tried to swallow the big fat lump that had developed in my throat, blinking away the tears in my eyes. My voice wavered as I answered, “Maybe that’s the best for us.” I avoided looking at him in the eyes, but I knew I had destroyed the last remains of hope that was left in them.

Why did my heart feel so heavy? It was better for him if he dated someone who was in his league, wasn’t it? Someone who didn’t mind changing their private life for a public one. Someone who was stronger than me.

Harry choked out a few heavy sobs before he raised up from his spot and faced me. The image of this broken man in front of me would haunt me forever.

We shared no words, no physical affection, no ‘I love you’s, nor did we bid each other farewell. We were just staring at each other. Maybe this was the perfect final opportunity to memorize every single detail of him. To engrave how he looked like up close. To imprint the shape of his lips, the size of his nose, his dimple and the twinkle of his beautiful green irises. However, he gave me no time to do such because, before I could even blink, he was already headed to the front door.

He turned to me for the very last time. His hand searched for something in his pocket, and suddenly something landed in front of my feet with a loud thud.

My eyes widened as I caught a glimpse of the foreign object. The world around me was spinning, and it gave me the terrible urge to throw up. It couldn’t be! With trembly fingers, I picked up the dark velvet box.

“You know, when I came here, I really thought I would leave this apartment with a smile on my face, knowing that you’d become my future wife,” Harry commented, the bitter tone of his voice couldn’t be overheard. “Instead, I’m leaving with a broken heart and shattered hopes. Congratulations, you have what you wanted.”

The door fell shut and he was gone.

I was frozen like a statue, couldn’t do anything but to stare at the velvet box in my hand. My insides were churning as I opened the lid and discovered a gorgeous diamond ring hiding underneath that took my breath away. It sparkled wonderfully in the light.

I saw the effort behind it, knowing exactly that Harry had trudged from one jeweler’s shop to the next because he was a very picky person who just wanted to find the perfect ring he could propose with. I saw the disappointment attached on his face every time when he found none but also excitement when he finally did. I saw the large smile decorating his lips when he admired the ring and when he said, “That’s the one.”

Placing the ring in the middle of my palm, I could feel how it burned and pierced through my skin. I couldn’t even look at it properly, not only because my vision was completely blurred by my tears, no, also because the ring was mocking me. I had been so determined to end my relationship with the man I could’ve called mine for the rest of my life, but now I was ashamed. Guilt swarmed through my body. My heart was under fire, paining, aching, bleeding. I landed on my knees and cried and cried and cried.

I could only hope that my decision was worth crushing the unique heart that I once held in between my hands.

 Harry

The small metal object felt incredibly heavy in my hand. My head couldn’t really process that I was going to do what I had planned the moment I had exited her apartment. Y/N’s and I’s breakup had left severe injuries that hurt and tore me apart. All this time I had strongly believed she was the one. I was so sure that she was different, that she would stay by my side regardless of who I was. I had told her the obstacles our relationship had to deal with, but she just waved it off, telling me she would fight against those if she had to. She had lied. I felt so betrayed.

I had trust issues, anyway, resulting from former unsuccessful relationships. So, when I had met Y/N, it took me a long while to regain my trust towards love for fear of being let down again. She broke my walls that should protect me from pain and now I had nothing to keep me safe anymore.

I shook my head.

Previously, I had emptied a box full of memories into my fireplace. Now, I was looking at them and letting the past flash before my eyes. Every happy memory that we both had created together would not be existing anymore. I took a photo in between my thumb and pointer finger. When I saw her smiling face pictured on it while I was kissing her cheek, I broke. Why was she doing this to me? Why was she hurting me so much? Have I ever meant as much to her as she did to me?

I threw the photo back into the fireplace and ignited the lighter. I hesitated for a moment. Was I really going to destroy valuable memories?

A snort escaped my lips. She threw our relationship away as if it was a piece of garbage so why did I care if I erased everything out of my life that dealt with her? I had been serious when I told her I was going to cut her out of my life.

Suddenly, the fireplace lit up and filled my living room with soothing warmth. I watched as the flames swallowed the last remains of Y/N’s and I’s relationship. Another tear slips down my cheek as I let my memories or anything that reminded me of her burn down into a pile of ashes along with my heart.

[bobotomago]

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you surely don’t deserve me at my best.”

                                                                                                    -- Marilyn Monroe

ENTERTAINER PERSONALITY (ESFP, -A/-T)

If anyone is to be found spontaneously breaking into song and dance, it is the Entertainer personality type. Entertainers get caught up in the excitement of the moment, and want everyone else to feel that way, too. No other personality type is as generous with their time and energy as Entertainers when it comes to encouraging others, and no other personality type does it with such irresistible style.

We Are All of Us Stars...

Entertainers love the spotlight, and all the world’s a stage. Many famous people with the Entertainer personality type are indeed actors, but they love putting on a show for their friends too, chatting with a unique and earthy wit, soaking up attention and making every outing feel a bit like a party. Utterly social, Entertainers enjoy the simplest things, and there’s no greater joy for them than just having fun with a good group of friends.

It’s not just talk either – Entertainers have the strongest aesthetic sense of any personality type. From grooming and outfits to a well-appointed home, Entertainer personalities have an eye for fashion. Knowing what’s attractive the moment they see it, Entertainers aren’t afraid to change their surroundings to reflect their personal style. Entertainers are naturally curious, exploring new designs and styles with ease.

Though it may not always seem like it, Entertainers know that it’s not all about them – they are observant, and very sensitive to others’ emotions. People with this personality type are often the first to help someone talk out a challenging problem, happily providing emotional support and practical advice. However, if the problem is about them, Entertainers are more likely to avoid a conflict altogether than to address it head-on. Entertainers usually love a little drama and passion, but not so much when they are the focus of the criticisms it can bring.

...And We Deserve to Twinkle

The biggest challenge Entertainers face is that they are often so focused on immediate pleasures that they neglect the duties and responsibilities that make those luxuries possible. Complex analysis, repetitive tasks, and matching statistics to real consequences are not easy activities for Entertainers. They’d rather rely on luck or opportunity, or simply ask for help from their extensive circle of friends. It is important for Entertainers to challenge themselves to keep track of long-term things like their retirement plans or sugar intake – there won’t always be someone else around who can help to keep an eye on these things.

Entertainers recognize value and quality, which on its own is a fine trait. In combination with their tendency to be poor planners though, this can cause them to live beyond their means, and credit cards are especially dangerous. More focused on leaping at opportunities than in planning out long-term goals, Entertainers may find that their inattentiveness has made some activities unaffordable.

There’s nothing that makes Entertainers feel quite as unhappy as realizing that they are boxed in by circumstance, unable to join their friends.

Entertainers are welcome wherever there’s a need for laughter, playfulness, and a volunteer to try something new and fun – and there’s no greater joy for Entertainer personalities than to bring everyone else along for the ride. Entertainers can chat for hours, sometimes about anything but the topic they meant to talk about, and share their loved ones’ emotions through good times and bad. If they can just remember to keep their ducks in a row, they’ll always be ready to dive into all the new and exciting things the world has to offer, friends in tow.

Entertainer Strengths

Bold – Entertainers aren’t known for holding back. Wanting to experience everything there is to experience, people with the Entertainer personality type don’t mind stepping out of their comfort zones when no one else is willing.

Original – Traditions and expectations are secondary to Entertainers, if a consideration at all. Entertainer personalities love to experiment with new styles, and constantly find new ways to stick out in the crowd.

Aesthetics and Showmanship – Not stopping at mere outfits, Entertainers inject artistic creativity into their words and actions, too. Every day is a performance, and Entertainers love to put on a show.

Practical – To Entertainers, the world is meant to be felt and experienced. Truth is stranger than fiction, and Entertainers prefer to see and do than to wax philosophical about “what-ifs”.

Observant – With all this focus on the here and now, on doing and acting, it makes sense that Entertainers are naturals when it comes to noticing real, tangible things and changes.

Excellent People Skills – More so than things though, Entertainers love to pay attention to people. They are talkative, witty, and almost never run out of things to discuss. For people with this personality type, happiness and satisfaction stem from the time they spend with the people they enjoy being with.

Entertainer Weaknesses

Sensitive – Entertainers (especially Turbulent ones) are strongly emotional, and very vulnerable to criticism – they can feel like they’ve been backed into a corner, sometimes reacting badly. This is probably Entertainers’ greatest weakness, because it makes it so hard to address any other weaknesses brought to light.

Conflict-Averse – Entertainers sometimes ignore and avoid conflict entirely. They tend to say and do what’s needed to get out of such situations, then move on to something more fun.

Easily Bored – Without constant excitement, Entertainers find ways to create it themselves. Risky behavior, self-indulgence, and the pleasures of the moment over long-term plans are all things Entertainers get into a little too often.

Poor Long-Term Planners – In fact, Entertainer personalities rarely make detailed plans for the future. To them, things come as they come, and they rarely bother with taking the time to lay out steps and consequences, with the belief that they could change at any moment – even with things that can be planned.

Unfocused – Anything that requires long-term dedication and focus is a particular challenge for Entertainers. In academics, dense, unchanging subjects like Classic Literature are much more difficult than more dynamic, relatable subjects like psychology. The trick for Entertainers is to find day-to-day joy in broader goals, and to tough it out with those tedious things that must be done.

ENTERTAINER RELATIONSHIPS

Entertainers are social, fun-loving, free-spirited people who live life in the moment and squeeze every little bit of excitement from everything. Naturally, they don’t spare any of this freshness and energy when dating. For people with the Entertainer personality type, relationships aren’t about slowly building foundations for the future, or planning out a life – they are bubbling, unpredictable things to be enjoyed for as long as there’s enjoyment to be had.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

Of course, when that enjoyment does burn out, it’s gone. Entertainers reevaluate their situations and commitments constantly, regardless of professions of love and dedication today. If a week later they just don’t feel the same, that’s it, and Entertainer personalities have no problem seriously considering breaking things off. While Entertainers can be willing to work on their relationships rather than swap them out, it takes a great deal of maturity and experience for them to realize that it can be worth the bother.

While they do last though, relationships with Entertainers are simply unforgettable. People with this personality type always have some new and exciting activity up their sleeves, and they genuinely enjoy spending each moment with their partners. Entertainers enjoy physical intimacy immensely, and they prove themselves affectionate, inquisitive, and open-minded lovers who love to share pleasure with willing and reciprocative partners.

Conversation with Entertainers is similar, focusing on fun, sometimes quirky subjects rather than deep, soul-searching expressions. The past and the future, the sciences and politics, and long-term plans and commitments are all routinely ignored by Entertainer personalities. They slow things down and add too much weight to Entertainers’ freewheeling style.

Entertainers happily chat about just about anything or anyone that comes to mind, but won’t have a topic forced.

Highly emotional people, and sensitive, Entertainers respond poorly to outside ��suggestions” on how to manage their love lives. They respond even worse if criticisms come from their partners, and trying to take emotions out of the picture by telling Entertainers to “not take this personally” isn’t helpful either. Handling these situations better is a definite area for improvement for Entertainers, as there are entire dating strategies (pretty distasteful, manipulative ones) that revolve around exploiting this very trait.

On the other hand, the issue can be a lack of criticism at all. Entertainers value social input a lot, and are almost as affected by their friends’ opinions of their dating partners as their own. Since Entertainers are attracted to people who share their attitudes, whether dating partners or friends, this can leave them in an echo chamber that only tells them what they want to hear, reinforcing immature behaviors.

Just Trying to Find Somebody to Love

All of these tendencies can really come back to haunt people with the Entertainer personality type later on. Entertainers’ tendency to avoid promises and commitments and jump from partner to partner sabotages necessary long-term goals like retirement planning. Building real relationships takes time and conscious effort.

Luckily, Entertainers are incredibly likeable people who enjoy life’s small pleasures, and hardly want for diversity in their partners. Enthusiastic and affectionate, with a pure and down-to-earth love that just takes things at face value, Entertainers are fortunate that they take the time to find someone they truly enjoy being with every day, rather than settling too soon for stability over happiness, only to lose both.

ENTERTAINER FRIENDS

Entertainers are known for their irrepressibly social and excited attitudes. They don’t internalize much of anything, sharing it all with their extensive circles of friends with wit, style, enthusiasm, and optimism. Entertainers are explorers of the pleasures of life, and they take particular pleasure in sharing those experiences with others. For Entertainers, there’s no point in living if you can’t feel alive.

Better Be Totally Ridiculous Than Totally Boring

Entertainers are people of action. Getting out with activities that engage all five senses is Entertainer personalities’ idea of a good time. Sometimes though, Entertainers may go too far with risky or careless behaviors, and try to bring others along for the ride. People with this personality type are sensitive, and rejecting these pastimes can be taken personally, ending friendships then and there. Entertainers don’t have time to be lectured.

Making new friends isn’t a problem for Entertainers though – they use an alluring combination of blunt truths and disarming openness and charm to keep things moving. Where Entertainer personalities falter is in keeping the friends they already have. In their excitement and focus on here and now over history, Entertainers too easily exhaust the adventure one person has to offer, moving on once one person’s novelty has worn off.

This can all give the impression that Entertainers are shallow, pleasure-centric creatures who care little for anyone but themselves. This is a terrible misunderstanding, and far from the truth, but nevertheless makes friendships with Intuitive (N) personality types challenging. Entertainers care sincerely about their friends – it’s why they put so much effort into coming up with group experiences they believe everyone will enjoy – and they are deeply distressed by the occasional conflicts that end these relationships.

As they grow and mature, Entertainers respect different personality types and approaches more and more.

Novelty is king for people with the Entertainer personality type, and there’s only so much diversity among fellow Explorer types. Entertainers love touching on intellectual and philosophical subjects, and they seek out a diversity of personality types and perspectives to keep among their friends. But as these friends grind into the details of some esoteric topic about the long-term consequences of faltering European economic output, Entertainers inevitably find their minds wandering, hoping for someone to rush up and say “Guess what just happened!”

ENTERTAINER PARENTS

Entertainers are some of the most relaxed, fun-loving parents out there. Playing with children is a genuine pleasure for them, and people with the Entertainer personality type constantly devise new and exciting ways to enjoy their time with their children. From the first moment they hold their babies, Entertainers are taken with the joy and wonder that their children experience in everything around them, and share and encourage it as much as possible.

They Who Are Brave Are Free

Exploration and experiences are key philosophies for Entertainer parents – when their children ask questions, the answer is “Let’s find out!” Overbearing structures and tightly scheduled activities aren’t a big part of Entertainer personalities’ parenting. They’d much rather take things day by day and break up the crust by letting their children explore something new in their own way, something much appreciated by Entertainers’ children.

Of course, this doesn’t mean there aren’t any rules – Entertainers were young once, too!

Discipline is far from their strongest suit, but hindsight and maturity have their effects, and Entertainers are often keen to prevent their children from suffering the same hurts and setbacks they themselves experienced. People with the Entertainer personality type are quite sensitive themselves, and expect their children to be respectful and considerate with what rules there are, a point of contention through the teenage years.

Entertainers always keep up their end of the bargain though, providing plenty of emotional support. While not especially demanding parents, warm affection and a sense of practicality give Entertainer personalities a very nurturing and encouraging parenting style, filling the gap nicely. When their children declare themselves future astronauts, Entertainers happily build make-believe spaceships, and later use those declarations to help their children focus on their schoolwork and goals. After all, successful astronauts need to know their math!

ENTERTAINER CAREERS

Entertainers have a unique quality that makes them exceptional in some careers, and miserable in others – they mirror the mood around them. When people with the Entertainer personality type are at a party or concert, they reflect that mood, giving them that “party people” image. When their friends are sad, they mirror that with sympathy and empathy. And when there is a crisis, Entertainers adapt as well, matching the intensity of the situation.

Trying to Find Yourself...

As a result, just about any career that focuses on working with others is a good fit, and is even essential for Entertainers to be happy and productive. Entertainer personalities are natural event planners, sales representatives, trip planners, and tour guides, as each of these creates a sense of excitement, stimulation, and novelty between them and their customers.

Entertainers balance their emotional sensitivity with a strong sense of independence and resourcefulness, making each experience unique.

Entertainers genuinely enjoy spending time with others and getting to know them, and have a knack for making people happy, even in the most frustrating situations. A good challenge is always appreciated by Entertainer personalities, and they make wonderful and inspiring counselors, social workers, personal coaches, and consultants who improve employee or customer satisfaction.

With their ability to respond with resourcefulness and passion when their help is badly needed, Entertainers make brilliant medical professionals, especially as EMTs, paramedics, and nurses. They quickly pick up information about others, helping them get straight to the heart of the issue when dealing with the sick or injured. Entertainers thrive on intense emotion, and there’s hardly a better place for it.

Not everybody has the energy for that though, or wants the responsibility of life and death – some Entertainers prefer to make people happy and excited by creating beauty instead. People with this personality type have plenty of creative energy, and many build fulfilling careers in music, fashion, photography, and interior design. With the best aesthetic sense of any personality type, Entertainers are renowned for their sense of style.

...Isn’t Always Easy

However, jobs that eliminate human contact and focus on impartial, data-driven decisions are torturous to Entertainers. Some Entertainer personalities do well enough by blowing off steam with friends after work, but for the most part, careers like technical writing or data analysis are poor fits. Add Entertainers’ loathing for schedules, structures, and repetition, and nine-to-five administrative work is quickly sent to the “nope” bin.

Regardless of where their diverse passions lie, Entertainers need freedom, novelty, and above all, human contact. People with the Entertainer personality type need to know that they aren’t just appreciated, though that is very important, but liked. When Entertainers come in to work, they want to see a touch of chaos, and to navigate it with a crack team of capable friends who are all too happy to take action by their sides.

ENTERTAINERS IN THE WORKPLACE

Regardless of what position Entertainers find themselves in at work, they share a desire to make the environment as friendly and enjoyable as possible. People with the Entertainer personality type are able to take a social and relaxed attitude and use it to get everyone else on board with practical tasks that just need to get done. The more freedom Entertainers have to meet these needs, the better the results, so long as they know what the goal is, and there’s hardly a better personality type to have around in a dynamic, hectic work environment.

Entertainer Subordinates

As subordinates, Entertainers thrive on change and new ideas, and loathe repetitive and strictly defined tasks. Entertainer personalities’ managers find willing and able experimenters who can brainstorm, quickly grasp new methods, and actually put those methods to practical use – so long as Entertainers have a little leeway apply their own creative style. Changes may take a few tries though, as Entertainers can be forgetful in the heat of the moment, and can get more caught up in trying to get quick returns.

Entertainers give honest feedback on whether things make sense, but are quite sensitive to others’ criticism of their own habits. Under fire, people with this personality type (especially Turbulent ones) become defensive and are easily upset. But in the end, if they believe that the criticism comes from an honest intent to help, not hurt, Entertainers take it to heart. The biggest struggle for Entertainers in subordinate positions is that they value freedom and independence far more than safety and security – if their conditions aren’t met, they’re as likely to leave as make do.

Entertainer Colleagues

If anyone can make friends with their colleagues and keep tension at bay within their team, it’s Entertainers. A fun atmosphere is important, and people with the Entertainer personality type use their strong observational and social skills to bring everyone together, shifting a souring mood if need be. Entertainers rarely want for ideas on how to make this happen, happily organizing events and activities inside and outside the workplace. Entertainers’ spontaneity, wit, and enthusiasm have no equal.

Entertainer Managers

As managers, Entertainers do everything they can to pump energy and fun into the day-to-day work that needs to be done. Entertainer personalities enjoy being the center of attention, and even more so to feel like they’re needed and appreciated. Jumping into the thick of the work and applying themselves to anything they’d ask their subordinates to do is something Entertainers consider part of the job. Authority and social status are secondary to feeling like they’re an important part of a team that gets the job done.

Entertainers are great at noticing others’ moods, and there are few personality types better at preventing conflict and encouraging relaxed, enjoyable workplaces. Subordinates are always welcome to speak their minds, and people with this personality type are always happy to hear others out, especially if something is upsetting them. Entertainers’ ability to relate to others and think on their feet makes them resourceful and inspiring leaders.

ENTERTAINER PERSONALITY – CONCLUSION

Few personality types are as charming and attractive as Entertainers. Known for their boldness and willingness to improvise, Entertainers are great at finding exciting new things to explore and experience. Entertainers’ creativity and down-to-earth attitude are invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Yet Entertainers can be easily tripped up in areas where their kind and practical approach is more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is navigating interpersonal conflicts, confronting unpleasant facts, pursuing self-realization, or managing your workload, you need to put in a conscious effort to develop your weaker traits and additional skills.

[littleleapers-diaries]

About last year…

This morning, over a year after I last updated my field blog, I sat at the kitchen table browsing through a friend’s facebook-page. She had just come back from a six-month long trip to Madagascar, her posts showing a mixture of joy to be back with her family and friends and heartache at having left Madagascar. I stirred my tea and absent-mindedly fished out some pieces of cinnamon bark that I had brought back from my first trip to the island in 2013. I knew exactly how she felt. I had been feeling the same for the past seventeen months.

But this post is not meant to be about how I still can’t watch documentaries on Madagascar because I get home-sick for it, or how I haven’t spent time with my Malagasy friends for over year, no: With this blog post I’d like to address that last year of a PhD, the one when all the field work is over - the writing phase. The one phase of a PhD you don’t see much about on social media but that occasionally pops up in your University newsletter with the title “Don’t forget to take care of yourself!”.

I wasn’t scared of the writing per se, I’m good at it (most days), and I wasn’t too worried about the analysis part either because I’d taken care to collect specific, easy-to-analyse data (or so I thought). I had planned out the year, with crucial dates for finished chapters, giving myself plenty of time for each to be sorted, analysed and written up. The timeline worked out much better than I thought and last month, before Christmas, I handed in a finished thesis. Eleven months after I wrote the first word. But the entire time I was in a downward spiral of despair and anxiety. So, what happened in the end?

A combination of factors made my life difficult: I had loved being in the field and in Madagascar and the reverse culture-shock was pretty bad, especially since I moved directly to Sweden, a country I was unfamiliar with, to be with the boyfriend. In Sweden I worked at a University to finance my stay and to figure out whether I could work in Europe-based conservation. It was a long, dark winter and it became apparent quickly that while I enjoyed the work there, my expertise lies in tropical countries making me feel like I was losing footing in Europe. The double pressure of working part-time and writing a PhD did its part to make me feel overworked and under constant stress. Additionally, I tried to figure out how to stay in my (very loving) relationship while pursuing my job interests. Working in Madagascar WITH the boyfriend wouldn’t work (for multiple reasons), but I didn’t know of any alternatives and the boyfriend wasn’t suggesting anything either which frustrated me a lot. I became thin-skinned and irritable, easily despaired and unfocused. I lost my centre somewhere along the path and as it happened so gradually, I only realised it once it was too late and all the “take a break from work/do yoga/read a good book” tips didn’t help me anymore. It was not that I had become depressed to the point I couldn’t get out of bed anymore, I’d just become a very different, unhappy, person under all the stress.

A few things played to my advantage: I have been through emotionally rough times before and can read my personal warning signs - I know when I need to get professional help (which I did – shout out to the therapist). I have a fantastic support network and family who have always made sure that I have a safety-net under me, emotionally and financially, and I have two very relaxed and understanding supervisors who never had problems with me taking some time off (which I didn’t, but it was good to know that they wouldn’t have minded). So, while I finalized the writing over the past months, I spent some time with soul-searching in my parents’ house, signed up for a mentoring program for women in STEM sciences and learned how to play drums.

All of this helped, but then two crucial things happened: First, after discussions with my supervisor, a project idea popped up that I got really excited about (and excitement was something I hadn’t felt in quite some time) and secondly, I finished the thesis. The minute I sent it off to be printed I felt like all the stress just dropped off me. I felt re-centred and like myself again and only then I realised how much of my problems had stemmed from this huge responsibility. A responsibility that nobody besides me really cared about, which made it even more stressful as it all lay solely on my shoulders.

And this is why I am writing this post. Most of the problems I mentioned above seem very specific to my situation and obviously I can only write from my own experience, but after all this I finally understood what all the “PhD and Mental Health”-pamphlets are about: Doing a PhD puts you under a kind of stress unlike other situations. You are scared of failing, you are overworked or feel guilty because you didn’t do as much as you thought you would, you can never switch off because it’s always there and you have no idea about your future as the job offers didn’t come flooding in like you expected them to. It can’t just be me, right?

I wanted to summarize some of the things I realised while writing this PhD, and in the last few weeks after having sent it off to be judged by other scientists. Some tips to consider that may prevent you from spiralling downward. Maybe the following is relevant to you, maybe not – you have to judge for yourself.

1)      Be prepared (as well as you can be).

There are some fantastic books out there about what it is like to do a PhD. If you’re unsure whether you want to commit to a postgraduate study or about to start one, I can only recommend looking into them!

-  “The unwritten rules of PhD research” by Marian Petre (this one I can highly recommend)

-   “PhD: An uncommon guide to research, writing & PhD life” by James Hayton

-   “How to get a PhD: A Handbook for students and their supervisors” by Estelle Phillips and Derek Pugh

Obviously, there are more books out there, some dealing with the daily life of a PhD student some with how to plan and write your thesis. In the first year I wrote down a list of advice from a former PhD student on twitter and stuck it next to my desk. That helped prepare me for some of the issues ahead (such as prolonged procrastination or lack of motivation). Look around and get smart about things, it’ll help you deal with what’s coming up!

 2)      Make plans.

Plans help. Plan your next vacation. Or conference-trip. Anything from fixing a date for going to the cinema (yes, I’m a 90s child) to planning out the next five years meticulously. Plans help. They give you cornerstones to hold on and look forward to and, most importantly, they give you deadlines. “Doing your PhD” mostly means working independently, on your own, with only your own motivation to guide you. And motivation fails, as we all know. If you intersperse the long weeks of sitting in the lab/in front of your laptop with small breaks that you can plan, you will automatically procrastinate less. It structures your life and you’ll have something that you feel in control of. And you can practise letting go when plans fail, as they often do.

 3)      You are not alone (!!!!).

Two of the most common problems PhD students face seem to be a) feeling isolated and b) imposter syndrome. Isolation can stem from being left to your own devices because of uninvolved supervisors or working on a difficult topic that not many others can relate to or because of multiple other reasons that occur while you are working on becoming a sort-of expert in your field. Which brings us to the other point: You’ll never feel like an expert. You’ll always feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about although you just studied the same topic over the past three years. It’s called imposter syndrome and it can be incredibly stressful. Constantly feeling inadequate although you are working hard to become knowledgeable is not healthy in anyway and can cause serious anxiety. I myself haven’t had a bad case of imposter syndrome. I am lucky to have realised three things very early on: There will always be somebody better and more knowledgeable than me, there is no shame in admitting you don’t know something and (this is important) most people feel insecure, so basically none of us feels like we know what we’re talking about most of the time. However, it may help you to read up on these challenges if you feel like you are experiencing the same things. There are some helpful tips out there!!

Here are some articles on the struggles THAT ARE REAL:

-          http://www.businessinsider.de/phd-students-could-face-significant-mental-health-problems-2017-8?r=UK&IR=T

-          https://qz.com/547641/theres-an-awful-cost-to-getting-a-phd-that-no-one-talks-about/

-          https://www.vice.com/en_nz/article/j55edk/getting-a-phd-is-bad-for-your-mental-health

  4)      Prepare your support system.

The stress will take its toll on you and may affect your physical, emotional or mental wellbeing (or, and hear me out here, you might be just fine? Who knows?). In any case it’s important that those around you, your friends and family, know what you are going through. Talk to them about your issues, tell them what you need from them (a shoulder to cry on? A cup of tea? Somebody to do the laundry?) and involve them in your progress. Not everybody knows what “doing a PhD” entails, and the more you tell them about what you are going through, the better they can be there for you if you need them.

In my case, the stress changed my personality quite a bit, and if the boyfriend hadn’t been so understanding (he’s a scientist himself) he would have been quite shocked at the change. In this way, he could be there for me when I needed him for support (and laundry).

By involving those around you, you are basically securing a safety net for yourself in case of a hard fall. If you don’t fall, you’ll at least have a group of cheerleaders to cheer you on, which counteracts potentially isolating situations.

5)      With all that focussing on the brain – don’t forget about the rest of your body!

EXERCISE! Even if it’s just a short walk, or gentle yoga every evening (like I did) or, if you actually enjoy sweating and running (like I don’t), go do some serious sports! Prolonged sitting is bad for you. It’s bad for your posture, it’s bad for your digestion and, I learned that the painful way, it can cause some serious haemorrhoids. I’m writing this while sitting on one of those inflatable-donut-thingies that I got for Christmas (yes, that happened), so take it from me: MOVE IT, MOVE IT! It’ll help with your focus and productivity as well and can also alleviate some of the stress of all the travelling you’ll have to do as a PhD. I’ve been known to do yoga (or impromptu dance sessions) in airports in-between flights.

At the very least, make sure your chair/table is adjusted properly.

I’ll conclude this post by mentioning that most of the personal issues that arise from doing a PhD stem from how the system is structured. Yes, we are putting a lot of stress on ourselves but that is often because we are scared of failing in a flawed system that rewards quantity rather than quality. In my opinion funds shouldn’t be distributed according to “what’s hot right now”, and that good science takes time that we are not granted if we want to succeed. It angers me that the way to a fixed position leads over a path of years’ worth of struggling to find funds and not knowing what the next year brings, whether you can afford to feed your family, or even have a family. But that is just my opinion. At this point I don’t have any idea how to change the way things are, but as soon as I have, I’ll do all in my power to do so.

For now, the last bit of advice I can give you is to check out what your University has to offer in terms of mental health support. The struggle is real: it’s not about how we’d all like an easier life, it’s about how we’d like to go through life without despair and anxiety. We need a better dialogue about the struggles of doing a PhD. We need to get the word out what students are going through and be there for each other, it’s the system that has to change, NOT US.

If you’d like to share your experience or any have tips on how you got through your PhD, feel free to write to me on twitter! @LittleLeapers_

[junker-town]

Russell Westbrook and the Rockets are learning to grow together

Russell Westbrook is pushing the pace for the Rockets this season.

Westbrook’s Rockets remain a work in progress.

On Halloween, one day after they sprinted past the Washington Wizards for a 159-158 victory, the Houston Rockets held a film session. Aside from pointing out defensive lapses, of which there were and continue to be many, the meeting’s focus was clear: Fast is good.

Houston’s offensive coordinator, Brett Gunning, stood in front of the room to point out all the different reasons why the Rockets were playing faster than they ever have before. Houston hadn’t been a snail under Mike D’Antoni, but last year they finished 27th in pace. At the time of this particular meeting, they ranked second.

As Gunning spoke, Austin Rivers caught Russell Westbrook’s eye. Both started to laugh. Afterwards, Gunning walked over and asked him what was so funny. “When you were talking about our tempo and why [it’s fast], I just looked at Russ,” Rivers said. “BG just said ‘yeah, that’s the real reason.’”

The Rockets have always wanted to accelerate their attack, but past personnel and a wise decision not to fix what wasn’t broken—they finished second in offensive rating last season—kept them from doing so. Their front office believes that more possessions simply gives them more chances to widen their lead. Luck becomes a little less relevant. In this area, Westbrook is the conduit they’ve been searching for.

“He’s one of the fastest I’ve ever seen,” Rockets head coach Mike D’Antoni said. “It’s gotta be a blur a little bit on the sides. It’s just like going in the car, going 100 miles an hour.”

When he’s on the court, Houston sizzles up and down at a speed that begs for giant safety nets to be installed along the Toyota Center’s baseline. They currently lead the league in pace and average the fewest seconds per possession. After their opponent makes a basket, their possessions are almost a full second shorter than last year’s league leader: Westbrook’s Oklahoma City Thunder. Turnovers are an issue and a faster speed makes it harder to fortify their defense on the other end, but transition is where the Rockets can be their most unstoppable selves, and their new point guard is why. When Westbrook races towards the paint defenders must make a split-second decision: do we want to meet this demon in the paint or give up an open three?

“Not a lot of people know that, especially young guys. Everybody wants to score the basketball, score the basketball,” Harden said. “But he does an unbelievable job of using his athleticism to create opportunities for his teammates.”

It’s too early to say if Westbrook’s alliance with Houston will work, but what we do know is that championships are not won in the open floor. The Rockets have been at their best when Harden is on the court without his fellow MVP, and Westbrook’s force tends to lessen in half-court settings. The contrast between how he’s changed one area of his new team for the better while holding them back in another illustrates why this partnership is so fascinating. It’s a battle that could last as long as their relationship: Westbrook will either find ways to complement the Rockets or infect everything they stand for.

“You know, we’re not trying to change Russ. We’re bringing him here as the MVP and what he has done he’s done. Now can he just—we play a certain way—does he kind of move towards that a little bit? That’s on him. I hope he does. He has,” Rockets head coach Mike D’Antoni said. “If you’re gonna have to change a guy, you might not want to bring him in in the first place. So he’s adapted and we’ve adapted to him also.”

The good news for Houston is that Westbrook is using his newfound space to live at the rim, where he’s attempted a career-high 48 percent of his shots. So far, he’s also more accurate than ever once he gets there. Since 2014 he has never made more than half his field goal attempts when driving to the rim. This season he’s shooting 63 percent.

Westbrook is, at once, the most confident human being who ever lived yet also constantly needing to prove himself.

“There’s nobody in the lane...in his way,” Brooklyn Nets head coach Kenny Atkinson said. “He’s got that ocean open to drive.”

The bad news is that he’s been one of the worst three-point shooters in the league, and the unnecessary long twos that only look smart when they go in still exist. When off the ball, some defenses stick to Westbrook, in constant fear of him rumbling through for an offensive rebound or tip dunk, and when he catches a kick-out there isn’t a closeout defender in the world who can stay in front of him.

Others have used Westbrook’s man to squeeze Harden, taking away the drive and either forcing a step-back three or pass. Harden’s field goal percentage in the restricted area is 11.1 percent higher when Westbrook is not by his side, which isn’t a coincidence. It can be an awkward dance, and plays like the one below show how hard it’s been for Westbrook to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

As Westbrook adjusts to a different basketball aesthetic, his minutes, shots, and touches are down to levels he hasn’t seen in quite some time, if ever. Two years ago he averaged 5.72 and 5.34 seconds and dribbles per touch, respectively. Right now he’s down to 4.34 and 4.09. His stints have changed, too: A rhythm player if there ever was one, Westbrook is exiting games earlier than he ever has, resting through the middle of quarters in the same way Chris Paul once did.

He’s also used to having the ball in his hands more than everybody else. Last season, it was 4.3 more minutes per game than Paul George, and in their first year as teammates that number was 6.3. Now, Westbrook has possession of the ball for three fewer minutes than Harden. Some of that sacrifice is self-made, which is truly incredible coming from someone who treats every possession like it’s an outtake from the last 30 minutes of Goodfellas, and packs more please don’t try this at home fury into any one game than some players are able to unleash in an entire career.

But a general concern felt by the Rockets that may linger throughout the season is how insecurities held by most NBA megastars can subconsciously impact their own on-court decisions. Even when they wear the same jersey, stars are uber-competitive with other stars; Houston is toast if jealousy trickles onto the floor. It’s still early, and the season is long enough to draw raw feelings from even the best of friends, but so far Westbrook has been reserved in noticeable and necessary ways, embracing the fact that every play is no longer designed with his individual success in mind. From Houston’s perspective, the key is for Westbrook to realize that, as a ringless 31-year-old, he might need the team as badly as they need him.

“He has surprised me,” Rivers said. “I think he has adjusted his game. I mean, I think he knows James is by far our best scorer. Russ could be much more aggressive if he wanted to but I think he knows we wouldn’t win as many games because James is already shooting...James shoots a lot [laughs].

If he was trying to average 30 every game [while] James is trying to average 30 every game, it’d just be a shit show, and guys would start to say stuff and be unhappy, because everybody wants the ball, you know what I mean? I think he took a backstep in scoring for James...I think he’s looking to pass even more than he ever has.”

Despite collecting 300 more assists than any other NBA player over the past 10 years, currently leading the league in corner three assists and trailing only LeBon James and Luka Doncic in potential assists, Westbrook is better known for the scorched-earth, self-serving decisions that didn’t exactly motivate Kevin Durant or George to stay for the long haul as his teammate. That reputation is hard to shake.

But if he continues to accept that the team he plays for isn’t his—particularly in the postseason, against coaches who have time to exploit Westbrook’s need to do everything himself—that revelation can unlock the more supportive part of a skill-set Houston needs if it wants to be the last team standing.

“It’s a process but it’s not nothing that I haven’t seen,” Westbrook said. “So my job is to throw the ball where they gon’ be not where I think they gon’ be, and that’s the most important part about playmaking and making the right plays. And that’s all I do.”

That’s sort of what this is all about: Westbrook’s partnership with Houston hinges on a delicate balance between how they need him to fit in and the many ways he’s always wanted to stand out.

Westbrook is, at once, the most confident human being who ever lived yet also constantly needing to prove himself. He’s still prone to turning his one-on-one matchup into a holy war that harms his team more than the opponent.

But he isn’t taking the bait as often as he used to, and more mature elements of Westbrook’s game are still in bloom. “He’s still aggressive. He’s always been aggressive,” Rockets guard Thabo Sefolosha, who was Westbrook’s teammate for five years in Oklahoma City, said. “I think he understands the game better [now], rotations, where guys are open.”

One difference in Houston has been that instead of tallying assists because the defense is forcing him to pass, Westbrook is now assisting teammates when the defense wants him to shoot—similar to how Draymond Green realized he had to give up open open looks for the betterment of his Golden State Warriors. Look how he threads the needle to PJ Tucker; he’s wide open but doesn’t even look at the rim.

“He’s really good at finding the open guys. The right guys,” Tucker said. “I don’t know anybody who can guard him one on one and stay in front of him every time, so they’ll try to pre-rotate and come help.”

Westbrook has made steps in the right direction, but setting out to correct his flaws may be a lost cause—like negotiating with a pyroclastic cloud or telling a Tyrannosaurus Rex to go vegan—and even if he starts making the most brilliant passes in NBA history none of this will matter if he continues to hit just 14 percent of his spot-up threes while enabling a defense that’s routinely gored.

As a best-case scenario, the Rockets will eventually get Westbrook to buy into their tried and true philosophy. He’ll push the ball, live at the rim, crash the glass, and continue to set up his teammates while also eliminating the early-clock jump shots and hopeless gambles that hurt Houston on both ends. Less can be more, and there’s still enough fundamental talent here for him to put them over the top. But at the same time, if Westbrook’s stubbornness continues to invade possessions that otherwise would not self-combust, he can obliterate everything the Rockets built.

On a new team, surrounded by different teammates, coaches, and principles, the hope is he’ll find a way to favor the more brilliant dimensions of his game while bypassing everything about it that makes D’Antoni, Daryl Morey, and even his teammates want to pull their hair out.

Both sides must evolve for this to ultimately work, and so far we’ve seen them oscillate between growing pains and a breathtaking fireworks display. But to get where they want to go, Westbrook must commit even more than he already has. The Rockets are built to win it all. In many ways, it’s up to him if they ever will.

[canadajoke5-blog]

6 Negative Self-Talk Phrases to Cut Out of Your Vocabulary

I used to be a terrible communicator. I was the queen of slamming drawers, closing the dishwasher loudly, walking away during a stressful conversation without saying a word. I hated confrontation; it made me so uncomfortable that I would shut down and get quiet, almost like my mind would go blank and there’d be nothing for me to draw on. When I felt attacked, I’d get defensive and end up saying things I didn’t mean and then feel badly about what I’d said, beating myself up for it. Also, I had problems with silence. Put me in a room and I’d be the first to fill the space.

Then something—everything—changed. My first love tragically passed away, and with his passing the world looked different. What I saw was that life was too beautiful to be upset all the time, constantly comparing, competing, thinking this is right that is wrong. Life was too unpredictable to disrespect others and myself with my interactions. Life was to be enjoyed, not to suffer through. I wanted to feel present, to enjoy my time here. I read books, took courses, signed up for workshops all on this quest to care for myself; to understand how to feel good in my day-to-day.

No matter the class, or teacher, or mentor, over and over again I found that the root of my unhappiness and insecurity was how I communicated with myself. How I talked with myself dictated so much of how I felt and that was reflected in how I talked to other people. Although I wanted to be open and understanding and compassionate, and to celebrate others, all I could do was react from a place of insecurity because I felt like others’ goodness took away from mine, or their successes somehow made mine further out of reach. Comparing myself to others made me even more reactionary, pushing me to be passive-aggressive and blame others for what I wasn’t feeling or doing.

In all the soul searching I did after my first love’s passing, I realized that to really enjoy each moment, to be here now, I had to teach myself a new way of interacting—with myself.

All day long, we’re all in near constant dialogue with one person—ourselves.

This means that the words we choose have an incredibly powerful effect on how we see the world and ourselves. Simple statements like “nothing looks right on me today” to the more damaging “I can’t do anything right” can affect our day in the same way that dark clouds or rain might affect an otherwise sunny day. I realized that to enjoy my life, to really see that the world is full of possibilities rather than liabilities, I needed to let go of negative self-talk and speak to myself from a place of compassion; to be aware of any self-judgments and biases that arise, and replace them with truthful, helpful, and kind language.

Using this style of self-communication changed my life. It increased my self-esteem, reduced stress and anxiety, and helped me understand my own feelings and the feelings of others; it enhanced my overall appreciation for life and helped me create a more calm, balanced, and energized life. Through this practice, I’ve become a better friend, daughter, sister, wife, aunt, and mother.

As I started to see how the practice of what I call Intentional Communication was helping me, I began sharing it through articles, and soon after people started asking for guidance. I became a certified meditation and mindfulness instructor and then published a book called How to Communicate Like a Buddhist. After the release of the book, I created an online course; coaches, therapists, educators, individuals, social workers, and heads of organizations took it and told me about the changes they were seeing in how they interacted with their clients, students, employees, friends, family, and partners. Recently I published a second book, Talk to Yourself Like a Buddhist, focusing on how to talk to yourself with intention and compassion.

When my clients start paying attention to how they’re speaking to themselves, they see how they perpetuate the thoughts and feelings they don’t want through the very language they use on themselves. They realize that so much of the dissatisfaction, anxiety, and fear they feel originates with them—and thus they are able to break the pattern and move beyond it.

Making this change in how you speak to yourself is not easy. Shifting our language is a practice, and it isn’t about replacing a negative with a positive; what we are looking for is an alternative that does not promote suffering and is kind, honest, helpful, and unbiased.

Here are six common phrases that promote suffering, and more constructive alternatives that can help you be kinder to yourself in small but powerful ways.

It’s unlikely there will be a day when we defeat negative self-talk once and for all. Watch out for these common expressions and use them as an indicator that self-judgments and evaluations are happening that may not be true. When we talk to ourselves from a place of kindness, we can move past our old judgments and the suffering they cause us in our everyday life.

1. Instead of: “I’m an idiot.”

Try: “I’m not understanding this right now.”

A common phrase I hear a lot is "I’m an idiot." What “I am” plus a description does is imply a fixed or permanent state. There is nowhere for you to go with this type of language, no opportunity for growth. Instead of making a mistake, you are an idiot. Instead of not getting that promotion, you’re a loser. Instead of taking care of your needs, you are selfish. You take a description and make it a part of who you are. If you tell yourself you are these things often enough, you start to believe it. The problem is that this leaves no room to be more than one thing. But if we replace it with relative language such as, “I’m not understanding this right now,” or “I’m acting like an idiot right now,” you leave room to change and bring an observational perspective to yourself and how you feel.

2. Instead of: “I should be _____ by now.”

Try: “I could be _____ right now and I’m choosing to _____ instead.”

Not meeting an internal expectation is one of the biggest ways we create negative self-talk. Think of how you talk to yourself if you don’t meet your internal expectations, or if you don’t reach the goals you’ve set for yourself.

The implication of this negative self-talk is that what you are right now isn’t good enough. You can change this type of self-talk by substituting “could” for “should,” which keeps you grounded in the truth instead of expectation. “I could be married right now and I’m choosing to focus on my career instead.” “I could be financially stable right now and I’m choosing to take a risk and go out on my own instead.”

Also, when you notice you’re using this type of language when you’re let down by an internal expectation, you can ask yourself, “Could this be better than what I’d originally planned?” You might be pleasantly surprised to see where not sticking to the plan can take you.

3. Instead of: “It’s all my fault.”

Try: “I played a part in this situation and am only responsible for my own decisions and actions.”

The I, Me, My pattern to negative self-talk is when you believe that what others do and say is a reaction to you. This happens when you take personal responsibility for the actions of others or for entire situations, and as you can imagine, judge yourself negatively in the process. The truth is that others are responsible for their own choices, just as we are responsible for ours. You want to come from a place of observation and acknowledge the role you have in a situation and nothing further.

4. Instead of: “I never should have…”

Try: “If that hadn’t happened, I…”

Regret is extremely powerful when it comes to generating negative self-talk. It occurs when you look back at your past, at things you did or failed to do, and beat yourself up for the action or inaction. Why this form of negative self-talk is so subtle is that people mistake the judgment of their past as the truth. You want to look for the unexpected benefits, even if it takes years to uncover them. Consider the present benefits of past events: If that hadn’t happened, I never would have met, experienced, seen, etc.

5. Instead of: “They must think I’m _____”

Try: “Their actions are just their actions, nothing more or less. They don’t mean anything about me.”

These kinds of phrases are the most common type of judgment that leads to negative self-talk. When you assume you know what others are thinking or feeling about you, you judge that their thoughts or feelings are negative, and then you berate yourself because of this judgment. In other words, you actually agree with the assumption you’re making, even when it has no basis in reality. Our assumptions are more often reflective of what we think of ourselves than what anyone else thinks about us.

The key to switching your language here is to focus on the facts in any situation and to be cognizant of any story your mind wants to create around the facts. You can’t know what anyone else is feeling or thinking; focus on what you know to be true. Instead of saying something like, “He thinks I’m not good enough,” focus on the action itself. So it’d become, “He didn’t invite me to join his team. All that means is that he didn’t invite me to join his team, nothing more or less.”

6. Instead of: “Why can’t I be like them?”

Try: “They are doing so well; there is enough good in the world for all of us.”

When we compare ourselves to others, we see something they have or some characteristic they possess and judge ourselves as deficient when we don’t measure up. I call this comparing your insides to someone else’s outsides. In other words, if you compare how you feel on the inside to how someone else looks on the outside, you’ll always come out deficient. Comparing ourselves to others creates our own suffering. Much of this habit is rooted in societal ideas about what is important. Who defines what attractiveness is? How does one define intelligence? The next time you find yourself comparing, shift your focus to observing any differences between you and the other person and celebrate their uniqueness as well as your own. Instead of viewing life as competition, view it as cooperation.

Source: https://www.self.com/story/negative-self-talk-phrases-to-cut-out-of-your-vocabulary