#but then remembered she's supposed to write a padme book

[jewishcissiekj]

E. K. Johnston's dedication to writing books that could be so good but just miss everything that would make them good would be admirable if. it was anything to admire

[callipraxia]

Lying here at 7am, sneezing my head off because of ragweed, and I had a thought about the novelization of Revenge of the Sith.

Early in said novelization, there’s a retrospective on a couple of important moments in Anakin and Padme’s early marriage, specifically around how, since Anakin, as a Jedi trainee, doesn’t own things or have much ability to acquire them, which is an Issue when it comes to giving his new wife a wedding present…so he ‘gives’ her C-3PO, to be ‘a friend’ while he is, as he frequently is, absent, and there’s a sweet moment where Padme politely invites Threepio to join her staff, because on Naboo, droids as high-functioning as Threepio are considered beings, not property. Anakin also notes that technically, since his builder (Anakin himself) owns nothing, Threepio kind of owned himself even before this. Then later, she gives him R2-D2 as ‘a friend’ in return, at which point Anakin starts modifying him this way and that until Artoo eventually obtains at least as much cognitive function as Threepio, setting the stage for the bond the droids have throughout the series. All very nice…but then jump to the very end of the book, immediately after Padme dies and Bail Organa adopts Leia. Y’know. The moment when he casually orders that Threepio undergo a mind wipe to forget…pretty much everything. Who “the Maker” was, all about his years of service to Senator Amidala, where the Princess came from and the fact she has a brother, etc. Then cut forward about twenty years to the beginning of A New Hope, where Threepio fussily keeps scolding Artoo about how “Master Luke” is his owner now and he should therefore forget the mission from their previous owner. It never seems to occur to Threepio, after his years on Alderaan, that they could think for and own themselves, even though again, in the novelizations, Threepio has technically done so for longer than Artoo has; the only difference is that Artoo still remembers everything, whereas Threepio only remembers, at most, the past twenty years.

Clearly, droids did not enjoy the same legal privileges on Alderaan that they did on Novelization!Naboo…but why is that relevant? Threepio, recall, was said to have legal rights on Naboo as a member of Padme’s staff. At a stretch, since Anakin couldn’t technically own Artoo either, one could make an argument that Artoo was still legally Padme’s property and therefore automatically passed into the ownership of her daughter when Padme died*, since Anakin and Padme and Threepio seem to have been the only ones who realized at that time how sentient the astromech had become, but there was really no doubt about Threepio: if Stover’s writing in the official novelization is taken as on any level canonical, then Threepio, as a high-functioning droid, was an employee; certainly this is the case within the pages of the book in question, where he meets the same ends. Padme no more owned him than she owned Jar-Jar or the Handmaidens who acted as her body doubles or her other Senate aides...at least on Naboo and areas where its laws applied, like the embassy on Coruscant, I suppose. They were not in Naboo space at the time of Padme’s death, and apparently the idea that droids could be autonomous was culturally alien to Alderaanians…but we see in TCW that Bail had worked pretty closely with Padme for years. They were political allies, but also friends. They’d risked their lives together before - in the Committee of 2,000 conspiracy, in that episode of The Clone Wars where they investigated a murder together, and arguably, Padme had put her life in his hands without a second thought again on Empire Day when she made that “how liberty dies” remark in the midst of the rest of the Senate’s enthusiastic endorsement of Palpatine’s announcement. Padme also was shown to have a real Problem with the discovery that slavery still existed in the galaxy when she met Shmi and Anakin as a girl, and considering she later married an ex-slave who had…rather strong feelings about the subject, it’s hard to imagine that she didn’t get personally emotionally invested in the issue as well. Anti-slavery measures would have probably been part of her political platform, especially in that gap between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones where there wasn’t a war that depended on slave soldiers to consider. It never, in all that time, came up with Bail? He never said, “It’s strange how you treat that protocol droid of yours - you act as though he were a person,” to which Padme could only reply that “by my planet’s laws, he is”? Padme never voiced any discomfort with the Alderaanian stance on high-functioning droids in all their years of working together? Why would her good friend not think twice about treating one of her staffers as his property before the poor woman’s corpse was even cold? Even if he disagreed, he ought to have at least had the thought “oh wow, I am disrespecting my friend’s memory here,” or even a hesitation about his legal right to give orders about Threepio’s memory, given that there would of necessity have to have been some interstellar agreement on whether Planet A’s laws about droids applied to droids from Planet A when they were on Planet B, especially if Planet B was neutral space like Coruscant, the place where Bail would have been most familiar with Threepio. I’m American and reasonably historically literate; American history was never my favorite branch of history, but I know all about the sort of trouble it causes when people don’t agree about whether laws from one state in a republic apply in another. See also: the American Civil War? And more recently, the issue of gay marriage, back when states determined that individually. Didn’t cause a war that time, but anyone who had the political awareness of a tree branch probably knew of the issue and, however dimly, probably something of why it was such an issue.

It’s now 9am, and yeah, yeah, I know, all this was necessary to protect the Chosen Twins because Threepio is a bit of an idiot, or it would have taken too much time/been too much at the tail end of a plot as dark as that of RotS to have a quick scene where Threepio agreed to become Bail’s property in order to stay with Leia, etc etc. But considering that Bail’s one of the good guys, it’s pretty messed up to realize how casually someone’s rights could just get hand waved away the moment they no longer had anyone politically powerful immediately on hand to defend them. It’s hard not to think…with his memory gone, Threepio doesn’t even know that he was supposed to have rights, and most humans cannot communicate fluently with Artoo. Bit disturbing to put oneself in that position, to wonder, as messy as the world’s getting…who’s the one person standing between us and having our rights almost as casually overwritten? Not quite as casually, I suppose, since mind wipes don’t exist for us (…yet…probably), but almost. Not something Lucas probably meant to put there, given that he didn’t write the official novelization and his apparent failure to think out the droid issue especially well**, but there’s where my brain’s going on this sneezy, sneezy morning.

* Note: this is totally ignoring the issue of whether this is moral and ethical or not. Also ignoring the issue of how that even stacks with the assiduous efforts to conceal that Padme’s child/children hadn’t died with her, in which case, being legally dead/never personified, it’s hard to consider them her legal heirs anyway.

** See also this video essay: https://youtu.be/WD2UrB7zepo?si=HcttHLpZFGnU5bNb

[smhalltheurlsaretaken]

do you think the jedi prohibit 'frivolous uses of the force'?? because i see it a lot in fic but i swear i distinctly remember obi-wan using the force to pull a literal chair over lmfao

Yoooo, I've been wanting to write a post about that for like a week xD Okay, so here's the thing: I started answering this one, confident that I knew where the use of the word 'frivolous' came from - but it turned out that I was wrong, so I'm actually a bit baffled about its origin. But here goes:

(@cacodaemonia I know you were interested in this topic?)

No, I don't think the Jedi prohibit that. I don't think the Jedi even have 'frivolous' use of the Force as a concept. The idea that they prohibit it, or at least frown upon it, is very likely rooted in the AotC scene of Anakin levitating a piece of fruit.

Wookieepedia cites that scene and that scene only on the topic of frivolousness in the page on Telekinesis.

But the word frivolous isn't used in that scene! Who came up with it? Obi-Wan being grumpy about Anakin levitating the fruit could mean just about anything. Maybe Jedi frown upon showing off in front of a diplomat you're meant to be protecting in a professional way. Maybe Obi-Wan and only Obi-Wan disapproves of Anakin levitating stuff because he kept doing it around the apartment as a kid, just to be a little shit. Maybe Jedi frown upon playing with your food with the Force, which wouldn't necessarily be linked with it being 'frivolous' but just with 'don't be gross.'

Now I thought it came from the novelization using that specific word, but it doesn't! The novelization is based on the original script as opposed to the dialogue in the movie (it actually came out before the movie, so that's why) and the scene is longer in them both and seems to confirm what I said about how it could mean a lot of other things (because he isn't just levitating it originally, he's playing with it):

(novelization)

PADME: You did that? [ANAKIN looks up - wide-eyed innocence.] ANAKIN: What? [PADME scowls at him. PADME jabs at the fruit - ANAKIN subtly moves his hand and it lifts up from the plate and hovers in front of her.] PADME: That! Now stop it! [PADME laughs. ANAKIN laughs. She reaches out for the fruit - it loops.] PADME (continuing): Anakin!! [ANAKIN moves his fingers. The fruit flies into his hand.] ANAKIN: I'm not really supposed to do that... for fun, I mean. If Master Obi-Wan were here, he'd be very grumpy. [ANAKIN is pleased. He cuts the fruint (sic) into several pieces and sends one back to PADME. She bites it out of the air and laughs.]

(script)

Even taking Anakin at face value, this does not say there is an Order-wide ban on 'frivolous' uses of the Force. Again, maybe Force-assisted food shenanigans are frowned upon. Maybe Anakin isn't supposed to mess with people with the Force for fun. Maybe it's just Anakin assuming, as he sometimes does.

I think 'frivolous' might come from one of the EU books - it's not from No Prisoners (the Karen Travis TCW book) though, so I have no idea who might have used it in that context first??

Anyway, the issue in fic is that 'frivolous' is often confused with 'casual.' Hence the Obi-Wan thing imo.

One, 'frivolous' is judgy - it gives it a sense of sin, something that the Jedi... don't seem to have that much of a concept of? Dressing 'immodestly' isn't condemned, for example. I don't see the Order as a whole (there are sticks in the mud everywhere) having a thing against a concept as vague as 'frivolousness.' I mean... Yoda? His whole idea of fun is to mess with people and cackle, and his teaching methods include massive trolling, teasing the grown-up Masters with his gaggle of kiddos and whatnot. You cannot tell me Yoda never tugged on somebody's cloak to make them trip.

Two, frivolous and casual aren't the same thing. Obi-Wan pulling the chair falls into the casual use category imo - and yes, we do see him and others do this kind of casual stuff many times! (Off the top of my head: Obi-Wan grabs the map-ball thingy from the map-reader in AotC - in front of younglings, so there's no fear of a bad example being set - Yoda calls his stick to his hand in AotC, Obi-Wan pulls a chair in TCW s2, Jedi call their lightsabers to them all the time - though it's usually in combat settings, so it doesn't necessarily count, Obi-Wan closes a door in AotC - I think Ewan was the one who thought it'd be neat to do it? Idk...)

And I don't agree that "it goes to show their hypocrisy" or whatever. What, because we assume that's what Anakin meant in the AotC scene and because we assume it's 100% an Order-wide thing, and we assume that the Jedi would view using the Force for daily tasks as frivolous, then every single instance of Jedi using the Force for simple every day stuff is hypocritical?! Even though floating freaking fruit around somebody's head and pulling up a chair are absolutely not the same thing? The latter is something you would do no matter whether you use the Force or not - pulling a chair is a normal thing to do. Playing with fruit around someone is a rude thing to do. There's a difference whether or not 'frivolous' stuff is frowned upon.

And also, using the Force is a natural thing. The Jedi do it like they breathe - it's all around them and they're aware of it constantly, and it's not always something they can turn on or off. It's natural that they would use it for daily stuff, and the level of respect that comes attached with using it would necessarily vary from one Jedi to the other. Just look at Quinlan. What, jumping out of a gunship to make an entrance isn't frivolous? Well, Quinlan is a Master, so his views on it are just as valid - just as Jedi - as anybody else's. (Plus Obi-Wan - the Council Member - gives him grief for being late, not for just for being ridiculous, so again - rudeness.)

I can see some Masters being against using the Force with carelessness - and yeah, I can also see some Masters being against using it in a 'fun' way - because you have to be careful with that stuff, but it probably would generate debate. There wouldn't be a definite consensus on what is too much and what isn't.

If "the Jedi all frown upon casually using the Force" is something that Lucas intended to convey in the movie, please correct me and give me a source.

Though it is also entirely possible that Obi-Wan was meant to be a bit hypocritical about it - because he and Anakin have their tensions, and as somewhat of a parental figure it's only natural that he would scold Anakin for stuff that isn't that big of deal, or that he himself has done, because that's what every person who's ever been in charge of a younger person has done at some point. So sure, maybe Obi-Wan scolded Anakin for being too casual with the Force? But I still don't see it as a Big Rule that is in the Jedi Code That Must Not Be Violated and that get you Shamed and Shunned if you dare to have fun with the Force.

(Honestly, it reminds me of 'your Lightsaber is your Life' thing, and Ahsoka and Anakin both separately whining that their Master was going to kill them for losing/breaking theirs. There's a certain level or respect and care expected, the Masters (or... only Obi-Wan and Anakin, lol) nag a bit, aren't always careful enough themselves, the kids make a big deal out of it in front of other people, but ultimately there are zero repercussion whatsoever for actually failing to follow the Master's nagging. Like, Jocasta tells Ahsoka Anakin would totally understand, and it's Ahsoka who insists he wouldn't and makes it into a big thing.)

Again, having Masters tell their students to be respectful of the Force and not to treat it like a joke? Sure. Showing off with the Force in a rude manner being called 'frivolous,' and it being a bad thing? I could see it. Having Masters get pissy about pulling chairs, closing doors or whatever - about doing things you can do with your hands with the Force instead? Maybe, but it wouldn't be an Order-wide thing.

One thing's for certain, we never see a Master directly scolding a student for using the Force casually in the Prequels, the OT or TCW, much less calling it 'frivolous.'

So yeah, gimme Jedi levitating stuff to clean up under the furniture xD

[into-daylight-hope]

Qui-Gon Jinn: Certified Hypocrite, Fascinating Failure, Mass of Contradictions

For starters, I am just going to let direct quotes from the man speak for itself.

Some excerpts from Master & Apprentice

Wise words.

Wait a minute...

😯😯 What the hell is happening here? All quotes are from the same man in one book.

Qui-Gon Jinn doesn't have an ounce of self-awareness and it is so hilariously terrible.

What is even better (or worse), this is perfectly in line with The Phantom Menace characterization .

I mean,

Remember when he said all this than spent the rest of the movie obsessing over prophecies, the chosen one and literally the future?

"He still has so much to learn of the living force." Qui-Gon Jinn about Obi-Wan in the council scene

After that scene

"The boy is dangerous. They all sense it why can't you?" Obi-Wan Kenobi about Anakin Skywalker to Qui-Gon Jinn

You see Obi-Wan, Master Jinn here has completely lost any sense of "here and now" between his crusade against darkness and divine mission to save the Galaxy.

This in turn, unsurprisingly blinds him to the fact Anakin is not suitable to become a Jedi. Or at least not ready to directly move on to becoming a padawan.

Anakin himself would suffer in a road that is not meant for him. But he is not planning for Anakin the child. He is thinking about The Glorious Chose One.

He is the chosen one. You all must, see it.

And yet from Qui-Gon's perspective it is Obi-Wan who doesn't understand the Living Force.

I have to say if he is truly a student of the living force as many fans claim he has been failing the class for at least 8 years.

Let's move on to another set of entertaining and horrifyingly oblivious quotes from M&A.

If you look upward you can observe Mr. Here and Now in his natural habitat.

He really acts like future is set in stone than thinks he is the right person to talk about about concentrating in the moment. Unbelievable.

Let's look at this dialogue again. In contrast with the excerpt from above.

He is all about the future when it suits him. But when Obi-Wan makes a remark on it he obviously should just focus on the moment. This is actually the third time in this post where he contradicts himself while specifically chastising or criticizing Obi-Wan for something Qui-Gon actually does.

Now I don't think Qui-Gon acts with malice. But it is important to point out his obliviousness has become a way of ensuring he is never in the wrong.

He suffers from an immense hubris. And a man obsessed with prophecies and chosen ones definitely has some kind of savior complex.

But notably Jinn doesn't actually want to put any effort into enacting real change with his limited yet existent capabilities.

He turns down a council seat in M&A because he thinks it would hold him down. From what? Dear God, the reason they offered him a seat was for different opinions. Qui-Gon can complain all he wants but one time he actually had a chance to make his opinions a reality he freaking bailed.

Why? He doesn't want to face his own limits. He can't bare to try and fail. It is much easier to sustain a superiority complex when you are complaining from the sidewalk.

So he fixates all this belief onto prophecies, visions that will magically cure the Galaxy. And of course his place to help fulfill them. To the point where it is the one thing that keeps him standing.

He has binded meaning of his life and belief for goodness dangerously close to his supposed importance in the Galaxy. (You can feel the influences of his former master)

His absolute refusal to engage with reality turns him into mass of contradictions. Cause he doesn't know what he will find or become if he is mistaken in his belief of himself.

He can't face reinvention on the event of defeat.

But this situation was different. It had to be, because the only thing Qui-Gon knew to be absolutely true was that his vision was real.

Oh by the way, it turned out he misunderstood the vision. But when does being wrong ever stopped Qui-Gon Jinn?

No words.

Only Qui-Gon could have come near declaring himself a prophet after making a mistake. Maybe stop and reflect man? Just stop and think about your actions.

Obi-Wan Kenobi: I have a bad feeling about this.

Qui-Gon Jinn: I don't sense anything.

Of course you don't.

Honestly he doesn't have much to speak for in the cosmic force department either.

(There is the whole force ghost thing I guess. But I have no idea if that is more connected with living or cosmic force. It seems to be more about spiritual enlightenment. Which is ridiculous when you consider Yoda had go through so many trials, face his darkside, learn to truly let go just for Force priestesses to deem him worthy enough to study immortality. Yes Qui-Gon never became a force ghost but he had started his training before he died. And much of Yoda's tests on TCW was about self-awareness. It is not just about being a good person. How did Force Priestesses approve Qui-Gon "I was meant to misinterpret this vision." Jinn? I would understand if he became wiser after death and faced his flaws and all but he never was on that level before he died. You might say even Anakin became a force ghost. But I would remind you, Anakin in the end broke out of denial, acknowledged the wrong of his ways and took that leap to the light side. Self-awareness seems such an important key to becoming a force ghost. Right there with selflessness. Personally it doesn't quite feel right for a character whose biggest flaws are their lack of introspection and hubris which we never see him rise above to be the one that discovers immortality again. It feels more like a rushed plot point to explain how we get from A to B.)

This post got out of control 😂. I honestly just wanted to point out lack of communication might be one of the reasons Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon have trouble understanding each other but it is sometimes even harder to understand Qui-Gon when he actually says something. Cause ration is not what drives him.

Qui-Gon is such a complex character. He is undeniably good especially compared to other SW characters. Yet for all fandom's deifying he might be the most flawed Jedi we see on the franchise. (The ones that fell to the dark side not included.)

It is a shame wider fandom completely write off his flaws to the degree I can't even recognize the character when they talk about Jinn. Cause that Qui-Gon is so hard to feel empathy for.

When people constantly make statements like "He is The Wisest sw character." his hypocrisy stops being amusing. It doesn't end on screen or page instead often used to bash other characters.

An unbelievable analysis from Wookiepedia:

When Jinn saved the Gungan exile Jar Jar Binks, who in turn swore a life-debt to him, his compassionate nature was such that Jinn took the hapless Gungan under his wing, much to Kenobi's dismay. His empathy toward all life forms, including the most pitiful and unfortunate, was Jinn's greatest strength. Additionally, he remained understanding and patient with Queen Padmé Amidala. During the short time they knew each other, he never asked for her to do more than she was willing to.

You know out of the two, Qui-Gon was the one who insulted Jar Jar to his face. And he didn't took Jar Jar under his wing. They forced him to take them to a city where Jar Jar could have been punished for entering. Now it was the pragmatic thing to do. For all three's survival not for their own gain. Understandable. But compassion is just pushing it.

Also he never asked Padme to do more than she was willing to do?

Padmé : Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know? The Queen will not approve.

Qui-Gon Jinn : The Queen does not need to know.

Padmé : Well, I don't approve.

And he is aware she is the queen, herself. Padme was nearly tearing out her because of this man in TPM.

What is weird, Jinn in his bewildering hypocrisy probably thinks he is being admirably compassionate with Jar Jar, highly understanding and patient with Padme. We clearly see he is not.

Out of universe he has been a force ghost for decades now but fandom is nowhere near acknowledging his flaws than he is.

And honestly SW doesn't have that many major morally complex characters. People like Maul, Palpatine, Anakin,Ventress don't think they are serving a higher purpose or oblivious to the evils they commit.

Emotionally complicated, yes. Going through moral dilemmas, no.

Three major characters come to mind who make huge mistakes, condone or commit atrocities while thinking they are in the right/with good intentions/for a greater cause. With varying degrees of culpability.

Qui-Gon. Padme. Dooku.

In that order.

Let these characters be interesting instead of demonizing nearly inhumanly selfless Jedi characters. (They make mistakes too but funnily enough they are still way better beings than most people on our planet.)

By the way I found the epitaph "Fascinating Failure" from the article here. Especially the last paragraphs make some interesting points. ⬇️

👀

This post might seem harsh but that is expected since it focuses on Qui-Gon's flaws.

"People are more than their worst act,” Quote from Qui-Gon Jinn in Master & Apprentice

[mediawhorefics]

Book ask! 1, 10,19, 20! 💙

book answers <333

book you’ve reread the most times?

excluding the series that shall not be named... i have a few ~comfort reads that i've found myself revisting over the years. the watchmater of filigree street (natash pulley) is one of them. shocker i know, none of you expected this!! i've also read the captive prince series (c.s. pacat) a few times, esp. kings rising the last book. i really don't like diana gabaldon as a person (i think her stance on fanfiction is not only stupid as fuck but also hypocritical considering she stole her male lead from old doctor who episodes and didn't even change his name.) but the first outlander novel remains a favourite of mine in the historical romance department and i've read it many times. the series got lost along the way (at least i lost interest) but the first one is really entertaining! also time travel and scotland, you know i'm there for it. i've read red white & royal blue (casey mcquiston) a bunch. 3 or 4x ? it's got that classic romcom vibe and i deeply connected with the way it approaches grieving someone when you're young/for the first time. i've also read cyrano de bergerac (edmon rostand) a lot. both in the original french and different translations. it's excellent.

10. do you have a guilty fav?

i don't know if i believe in guilty favs tbh! as long as it's not hurting anyone, why should i feel guilty about art that i enjoy? but for the sake of the game/for the sake of argument, i'll try to come up with a list. i guess i read a lot of star wars novels (big nerd over here) and they're very quick adventure-y types with a sprinkle of character study so it's hard to consider them as literature sometimes? so a few of those would be on the list. i really enjoyed the padme trilogy, padawan, master & apprentice, all of claudia gray's sw novels, the rots novelisation, brotherhood etc. there are a few het romances i also love a lot that i suppose i could include here? outlander is the first. but i adore emily henry's writing too which makes me feel pretty basic bitch, but she writes a lot of fun romances with bookish themes and that's like catnip to me. any of the darth vader comics ?? that counts, right? oh! i recently read an arthurian retelling that cast merlin as a queer teenager coming to camelot impersonating her brother and meeting young arthur and kind of falling in love with him. i suppose that had a cringe cover but i had so much fun with it. one of my fav ya i've read recently. it's the other merlin! idk that i'd describe it as a favourite book overall but....

19. most disliked popular books?

i loathe the all for the game series that was popular on tumblr a few years ago? there was nothing compelling about it to me. it wasn't that well written, the characters weren't that compelling, the sport was boring and the romance just didn't have the ooof i needed from it. i truly never understood the hype. i tried reading the kiss quotient (helen huang) which was huge in the romance circles a while back and never finished it. ok this one comes from the depth of my childhood and will not be relatable to many of you but les chevaliers d'emeraude (anne robillard) is SO awfully written it gives me hives. i don't know if it counts but i despise jules verne too. fuck that guy, i know he's ~classic but his writing is so fucking dull. and i haven't read albert camus since high school so my opinion might change if i revisit him, but i remember him making me soooooo angry. i think everything written by cassandra clare is pretty awful. i hate her style. sooooo many people were gushing over boyfriend material (alexis hall) and i hated that. the main character was annoying and immature and simply not charming at all to me. i don't think i laughed even once. i need to laugh in a romcom, come on!! it has a four stars rating on goodreads and i simply do not get it. it was boring and i hated the writing style. and apparently, there's a sequel too ??? talk about the most unnecessary book written ever. sorry to fans of it, it was just no my cup of tea.

20. what are things you look for in a book?

not necessarily all at once but:

a historical setting (i esp. love the first half of the 20th century)

some fantasy elements. it doesn't have to be high fantasy (though i like that too) but a little sprinkle is always fun.

romance !!!!! i love a good pinning, swooning, soft, tender romance!!! (duh) enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, strangers to friends to lovers. it HAS to be a slow burn because instalove turns me off.

i love a good found family/a good friend group!!

time travel is not a must but it's an easy way to seduce me

my main character type is heart of gold/noble intentions/heroic but struggling with anger issues... so a bit of that and i'm sorted.

snarky female characters. (actually just well-written female characters in general, which feels like a very basic ask but we allllll know it's not that easy)

i looooooove a good mystery. not a murder mystery, i'm not super into those. but i love a book that presents us with something to solve (like the shadow of the wind)

i'm not super into unhappy endings (tho. i don't mind them once in a while) but i love melancholic stories and Drama. just something that makes me FEEL.

it has to be atmospheric/it has to transport me.

i love poetic writing/beautiful prose.

also it (almost always) has to be gay. lbr.

book asks

[padmeandaloysupremacy]

I have been off tumblr and writing in general for so long that now I finally have the desire to come back now. I have so many stories in the works now that i don't even know where to start, but i wanted to write a little song-fic about Anakin and Leia. My headcanon is that Anakin was actually a very good singer and had a beautiful voice its just that he was very self conscious about it and never really shared it with anyone.

This is basically an Modern AU where Anakin is a single father who raised Leia with the help of Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. He never met Padme he instead had Leia with another woman who found out she couldn't be a mother and left Anakin all alone with Leia. I wrote this mainly bc i like Anakin and Leia and the interactions with Anakin being a big softie for her. I liked writing Anakin and Leia and having her be Daddy's Little Girl. There is a chance where i might continue this and introduce Padme to the dynamic leading into an Anidala story but that is for another time.

The story utilizes lyrics from the song "Light" by Sleeping at Last.

The sun was starting to beat down on his back, but Anakin couldn't even begin to care at all. All of his attention was focused on the little bundle of sunshine wrapped away in his arms. More specifically, on the wide chocolate brown eyes that were currently drilling into him, like she was currently peering into his soul looking for anything her little heart desired.

The bundle of sunshine then began to open her mouth to utter something, but a loud yawn overtook the words that were supposed to spill from her lips.

Anakin brought a finger to tuck a strand of hair behind her little ear, "Leia, how about you take a nap."

The young girl shook her head in defiance, "No." She lifted that chubby finger of hers and began to stick it up her father's nose, stifling a laugh from him. Then she dragged that same finger down from the entrance of his nostrils to his lips which she forcefully opened with all her mighty strength.

"Leia, what the hell ar--"

"Sing for me."

Anakin froze in shock. He glanced down and saw those same big intoxicating chocolate orbs peering again into his soul, but instead of finding inquisitive eyes, these were pleading with him like a little puppy would do to its owner for some snacks.

Sing

Yes, he could sing. Anakin could really sing, as Obi-Wan told him before, "Anakin, you can be the most annoying and obnoxious hellhound I've met in my life, but you have the most amazing voice I've ever heard."

Anakin remembered laughing at Obi-Wan's statement but begrudgingly found it to be true. No matter how much he wished it wasn't.

Shaking himself from his thoughts, Anakin peered around the area and saw the park was pretty busy today. Some people were running along the trail, some children were laughing in the playground, couples were enjoying their picnics on the freshly cut grass, an elderly couple were holding hands in contempt with each other's presence, and a dog was taking a number two in the bush by the creek.

He and Leia were seated on a bench secluded from everybody else which ended up what Anakin wanted in the first place. If he was supposed to sing now for the little princess. 

Singing in public is something Anakin will no longer do. The public atmosphere envelopes him with anxiety, dread, loneliness, and fear. This was caused by what he experienced in his younger years when he sang in front of his school and got made fun of for it. Another traumatic event to add to his life story. I should really write a book, I could make millions, Anakin thought.

He only sang to those he cared about. To the people who made him feel safe and whole, and now one of those said people was currently seated in his arms patiently waiting for him to begin.

Anakin looked down at her and smiled, "Okay, I'll sing for you, Princess." 

He picked Leia up and repositioned her so that she was more comfortable sitting in his arms. He cleared his throat and began to softly sing in her ear.

May these words be the first

To find your ears

The world is brighter than the sun

Now that you're here

Though your eyes will need some time to adjust

To the overwhelming light surrounding us

Anakin took a deep breath and looked down to find Leia's eyes were partially shut. Just a little more and she will be out like a light. He needed to keep going before she started fussing around and being downright spoiled, which Anakin basically helped nurture.

I'll give you everything I have

I'll teach you everything I know

I promise I'll do better

I will always hold you close

But I will learn to let you go

I promise I'll do better

Soft snores invaded his eardrums and he knew that his little munchkin had finally fallen asleep. Anakin won't stop yet though, once he starts a song he has to finish it.

I will soften every edge

I'll hold the world to its best

And I'll do better

With every heartbeat, I have left

I will defend your every breath

And I'll do better

'Сause you are loved

You are loved more than you know

I hereby pledge all of my days

To prove it so

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside

As Anakin finished he was shocked to feel tears streaming down his face like a steady flow of salty water. He forgot how much that song took on him emotionally. 

Then he suddenly remembered why.

Shmi

She used to always sing this to him to help him fall asleep when he was a toddler. It always worked in making him fall asleep fast and peacefully. The lyrics Anakin found were to be an intimate experience between a parent and their child. The song highlights the love that shines through the both of them. The song was one of the only reminders that he still has of his late mother. She died when he was nine and he constantly tried to hold onto her memory as much as he could even though it was slowly killing him.

Shmi was his sunshine as much as Leia is, and Anakin couldn't help but correlate the similarities between Shmi and Leia. He can see his mother in Leia. The eyes, the smile, and the love they both showed him. Shmi lived on through his little girl. 

Shmi and Leia will always be with him. 

The thought brought a choked sob to ravish him and he instinctively clutched the now sleeping body of his daughter tighter to his body.

"I--I'll always l-love...you, Leia." Anakin gently lifted his hand to caress her cheek and then kissed her forehead. "No matter what, I'll always l-love you."

[siennahrobek]

I had so many ideas on what to write about today but I was scrolling through the Obi-Wan tag during my break and I came across a huge post that had been baffled and a bit crazed. It was labeled about forgiveness and mercy and such but it was like a huge insanely interpreted post about the Jedi Order and some of the characters. Of course I wasn't about to start any sort of argument (and wow was the post long) but I just had to write something, at least, in my own post, unconnected with theirs. I guess this is a reaction and buckle up cause it seems like this is going to be a long one. I have a lot to say and I'm not gonna stop being all anxious about it until I do but uh....

I'm sorry, did we watch the same movies?

They go through a lot of movies and completely do a opposite take on the Jedi; how they are "unattached" (I say this because there are so many misconceptions about the word) and celibate (which we know isn't actually true) and how Anakin becomes living proof why this attitude is wrong.

First of all, it's not an attitude; it is a way of life. One that has worked for thousands of people over millennia. Second; their point WAS proven. Anakin turned to the dark side and became a sith. He committed genocide after genocide (the Jedi, Mandalore, Alderaan, Lasan etc.) and in the end, he only turned back because of his son. Which, may seem good on the surface, but it only goes to show how no other children or people that he murdered actually mattered, it was only his blood child that did. But that's not where I'm going. You don't actually see him regret doing the countless things he has done (probably because he dies) and he only does this because of his blood son. It, for me, gives the impression that blood means everything.

Anyways, there is quite a bit of talk about Obi-Wan and honestly? It is all not good. I'm not blind to Obi-Wan's faults but in general? He is a really good person; he tries so hard and goes through so much and is ugh, always trying. Obi-Wan shows no understanding? What? What? Did we watch the same movie? I mean it has been a while since I have watched Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith (they hurt my heart because ugh) but that is NOT what I remember. I remember Obi-Wan teasing Anakin gently to get his mind off of his anxieties when they were going to see Padme again. I remember Obi-Wan saying "dude don't be a horny teenager" (not in those words obviously, but that was essentially the message). I remember him literally parenting and teaching him - like he's supposed to do. I remember him trusting Anakin to do the right thing and to protect the Senator alone, by himself. I remember Anakin saying he's been having dreams - not visions or anything and nothing specific, just about his mom - and Obi-Wan going "it's alright dude, those pass in time". I mean everyone has DREAMS, that's not beholden to force-sensitives. My dreams sure as heck don't mean anything. Just cause he is a Jedi and COULD have visions, does not mean they are. And he didn't tell Obi-Wan they were visions, he literally says dreams.

(this is about the time that I wish I could work with gifs and understand them)

Anakin is not stronger than Obi-Wan; I mean, really? Sure, more powerful? I guess? But let's go back. Who beats who on Mustafar? Obi-Wan. Who does NOT murder a bunch of children and turn to the dark side? Obi-Wan. Literally, sure, he's more "powerful" with the Force, because I guess that is the whole point but he's not stronger or wiser than Obi-Wan because as Captain Rex said "experience outranks everything" and man, does Obi-Wan have a lot of that.

Let's take a break and go to Shmi. They claim that her death is a dark page in the Jedi's book. I mean, w-what? How can you possibly blame the Jedi for Shmi's death? For not freeing her? Did Qui-Gon even tell the Council that Anakin was a slave? I don't remember, honestly. But still, she ended up freed and married to a man she fell in love with. And if I remember correctly, someone was sent (by Padme maybe? to free her but she was already gone to the Lars' by that point).

Okay, I know it sounds like I am reacting to a post and well I am I suppose. But like, this post is literally blaming the Jedi for Shmi's death and how they did not offer Anakin compassion. And then just to say that it is bothersome how Anakin was solely blamed. Uh, because he was a the perpetrator! How can you possibly justify the MURDER of children. Even though it not the Jedi way, I could understand, sort of, if he went after the people that hurt his mother specifically; probably some of the men/warriors/adults. But the babies? The children? You can literally not justify that. And to blame the Jedi Order and Obi-Wan for not "taking his nightmares seriously?" Are you serious? Anakin mentioned the dream (DREAM) once in passing, there is no indication that he said that she was in danger or that this was a vision. And visions are known to be notoriously unreliable! Not to mention, the Council is responsible for the Jedi as a whole - that is thousands of people.

Alright, now to the war.

There was a claim that throughout the war, the Jedi became more and more aloof, intolerant and unforgiving and determined to win despite the suffering of the people.

What. The. Krutack.

I will include the Clone Wars series, since it was directly referenced in response. Once again, did we watch the same show? Because I'm pretty sure that virtually the whole point of the show, aside from showing us horrible things the CIS did and the individuality of the clones, was the compassion and kindness of the Jedi. How they fought to protect as many people as they could. They were dying alongside the clones. Does anyone remember how kind and caring the Jedi were when they came across civilians. Do you remember how Obi-Wan literally carried and protected with his own body the little Twielek girl, Numa, on Ryloth? Does anyone remember how many NON-Republic planets they helped? I remember them helping even CIS senators and planets that had no ties to the Republic. They helped Mandalore even when they were not part of the Republic. The vast majority of Jedi are shown protecting not only citizens but the clones as well. They are on the front lines - not hidden behind a desk (although some are and that is necessary - tactics and strategy people) and trying to save as many lives as they can, even if it costs them. They inspire creativity and individuality in the clones - this is literally a thing. I could go on and on and on.

Okay, on to Revenge of the Sith - the sadness that will probably haunt my heart forever. We will start with Dooku; specifically when Palpatine tells Anakin to kill him and that he deserves it; it is revenge for cutting off his and whatever. And this, this, post asks if this is an act of mercy for the guy kneeling in front of him (and tells him Obi-Wan later denies him) and like, what? How in the world is that mercy? He murders a defenseless man. Sure, he is the enemy and he is a criminal but he is supposed to stand trial (not to mention all the intelligence Dooku could possible give to help win the war) which is incredibly ironic, considering later, Anakin screams at Mace Windu telling him Palpatine should stand trial (even though he is much more dangerous and more of a threat than Dooku). This is not mercy. This is a handless, defenseless (although evil) man who Anakin does actually kill. It is not mercy.

Anakin has dreams about Padme; similar to his mother. You would think he would have learned his lesson and confided in someone by telling them what was actually happening. Anakin once again, DOES NOT give Yoda any specifics, just that he fears someone he is close to will die. It is claimed that he is lacking empathy and compassion to Anakin's dilemma. WHAT DILEMMA? Anakin won't tell anyone anything that could actually help. What Yoda says is true; like "dude, people die and you have to move on from that. You cannot stop death and you cannot let this fear control you. You have to let go" which is a completely reasonable thing; I mean, hello - grief counseling anyone? Yoda probably thought he was talking about Obi-Wan - who was off on a very dangerous mission against a cyborg that had killed many Jedi and padawans; this seems like a very normal fear. Whether or not Yoda says this in the right way is not really relevant; Anakin knows that he has to let go of what he fears to lose because eventually, no matter what, he will lose it. NOTHING is permanent. Now if Anakin had specified he was having what he thought were visions and the actual person in them, I'm sure Yoda would have said things differently and probably helped him.

(Also, did Padme get any real health care or like??? Was it too much of a secret???)

(The genocide of the people in the Temple is conveniently glossed through with bare mention)

and then Mustafar. Contrary to Padme (apparently) Obi-Wan shows no clemency. ANAKIN MURDERED THE ELDERLY, THE SICK/INJURED AND BABIES in the temple. Not warriors, not even full grown men and women (some would be full grown but all the able bodied were probably out in the war trying to defend the universe). He should NOT be granted clemency. Anyone else would probably have been executed for this direct horrifying act. But they seem to gloss over how Obi-Wan is always on the defensive, not really because Anakin is more overpowering (And Obi-Wan does use a defensive style, Soresu) but because he is trying to give Anakin time to chill out and come to his senses. That is literally how the choreography was designed.

And Obi-Wan's last words were? Harsh? What? If I remember correctly, Obi-Wan says something like "You were supposed to destroy the Sith not join them" and when Anakin screams he hates Obi-Wan, the return is "you were my brother, Anakin, I loved you."

That is heart-breaking and sad, not harsh. How can you look at Obi-Wan's face in this scene and call that harsh? How can your heart not break for him?!

Say what you will about Obi-Wan leaving Anakin without "finishing him off". Whether or not this is a mercy, whatever. First, we needed a reason for Vader to be in the suit. Second, Anakin was unarmed; Obi-Wan doesn't go around killing unarmed enemies, much less loved ones. (Hello, the slaver from the series, anyone? He didn't kill him; it is against his beliefs. Rex killed him). Can you even imagine how Obi-Wan was feeling? How could he possibly kill his brother? Like, I have so many feelings and not enough words ahdkjgkjgjkf. Anakin does suffer and Obi-Wan has no reason to believe that Anakin would survive his injuries. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, Palpatine ship was coming? Also, Obi-Wan had to get to Padme - she was injured and more of a priority. Because she is someone he can try to save - Anakin is long gone - in more ways than one.

Although it claimed that they are not denying the terrible things Anakin has done; that is almost kind of what they are doing. They are literally putting Anakin's choices and agency to the fault of the Jedi - not just individuals but the culture and people. It is literally gone on to say that if he had left with his wife, the worst could have been avoided. What was the worst?

Oh, a mass murderer got his legs cut off and accidently burned alive. Uhm, okay, that sucks but you do realize he committed genocide of his entire family right? And he choked his wife into unconsciousness.

I can't even with humans.

There is not even a note to Palpatine and how he manipulated Anakin for years. No blame at all on the man we need to blame the most - they put all the blame on the Jedi which just. Blows my mind.

The Clone Wars proved there was no right choice for the Jedi - they were doomed to fall. Not because of anything they did - they did everything they could - but because of Palpatine's plans and schemes. I will never, ever agree that the Jedi failed because of themselves. I do not think that the "institution" was destined to fall ( that "institution" lasted for longer than the Republic). The Jedi were trying so hard - they were kind and good and compassionate and trying so hard for peace and saving as many lives as they could. The Sith were evil. The CIS was evil. The Senate was corrupt. And the Jedi were trying.

There is so much Jedi-blaming for Anakin's attitude, disposition and choices it is literally driving me insane. Why did I do this to myself?

Things delve into a New Hope and immediately there is bashing of the jedi; where Obi-Wan cuts some guy's arm off at a Cantina and Obi- Wan "lying" that Vader killed Anakin. Which, honestly, I could see that being true. Him being Anakin's murderer, at least. Vader may have Anakin's body but even he claims that he killed Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, at least, how he thought he was, was loyal and passionate and loving - or at least he tried to be. Vader is literally none of these things; there is very little of "Anakin" in Vader. And at first glance, it may seem that Obi-Wan and Yoda are setting Luke up to kill "his father" but honestly, I see it more as preparing him to fight Vader and kill him, if necessary. It's a horrible thing, but they do not outright say anything. And honestly, they were right. Vader is willing to kill Luke - he cuts off his hand and fights him. Okay, I have so much to say about this but that is for another time; i will digress about this particular point (of lying and such)

Luke, apparently, decides to forgive Vader and show him mercy (which is claimed the Jedi and Obi-Wan NEVER did for Anakin, no matter what he did for them which is such BS I'm virtually crying rn)

There is a lengthy talk about Luke trying to rebuild the Jedi culture and how it crushed him, his contrast with Obi-Wan's attitude and shame(?) and how trying to be a Jedi has caused him to fail. Because apparently Luke is the only one who apologized and that makes him different I guess? (How many times has Obi-Wan apologized and thought things were his fault even though they weren't?)

I won't get into the Sequel Trilogy because honestly, it does very little to interest me. I am mostly a Prequel- era person mostly because I love Obi-Wan and the strength and compassion of his character. Finn seemed really interesting to me and man I thought having a female Jedi character would be really great - we had some fantastic female Jedi such as Ahsoka, Shaak Tii, Depa Billaba and so many more - but they were rarely the focus and I thought it would be fun. But, I was a bit disappointed because killing off Han Solo the way they did? Eh. Didn't care for it. I was also in the era of Mara Jade, Jacen and Jaina Solo, Anakin Solo and Ben Skywalker (Luke's son) so perhaps I was a little bias. I didn't really understand why Leia and Han would name their child after someone that they didn't really know (although I do have a headcanon concerning Leia and Obi-Wan which I find hilarious that I love).

I didn't particularly care for the Sequel Trilogy. They made it a Skywalker show and they did an emphasis on romantic love and from what I recall from what I have watched, the majority of the characters weren't nearly as interesting or compelling to me. And then bringing Palpatine back, sighs. Why does it always come back to him? That is just exhausting.

I'm not hating on the Sequels; everyone is allowed to like things or whatever. I just didn't; they focused so much on Rey and Kylo Ren (who I actually have a bit of an opinion on but I won't right now) instead of the more intriguing characters. I would have been much more interested in Finn as a Jedi. To overcome what he has been through as a stormtrooper and becoming a Jedi would be a really interesting story. I didn't care for how they handled Luke. And I didn't like how Rey apparently became a master so fast without any real training? Even Anakin, the Chosen One, the most powerful force-wielder, had ten years of training under Obi-Wan and the Jedi. That stuff doesn't just...come; you learn it.

I wrote more about the Sequel Trilogy than I care too. I suppose this is a rather reaction post but wow; I felt like me and this person had watched two separate movie trilogy/shows. It boggles my mind on how people can get the opposite of something that was so clearly shown. I hope I didn't upset anyone too bad. I'm not hear to start a fight, just to get out some feelings.

I wrote this all instead of homework that I desperately need to do. Sighs.

I need to go through my likes and read some good Jedi content cause man, that, that was hard.

[dareiaious]

 okay, i read a book and I have thought. 

I got these boiz on Amazon recently and I MADE NOTES

Books have notes from characters, which, to be fare, are pretty nice and funny at some points. The Jedi Path is supposed to be given to Padawans down the line. This particular one was owned at different times by Yoda, Thame, Dooku, Qui Gon, Obi Wan, Anakin, Ahsoka, Sidious and Luke. 

- The first thing you start noticing that is a running thing is Ahsoka’s comments. They are all about separatists and war. Obi Wan, Qui Gon, even Dooku have small notes about dangerous adventures with their Masters, but Ahsoka talks about fighting separatists and war. All I’ve been since I was a Padawans was a soldier strikes different after this. She never got that fun adventures and diplomatic missions with her Master. 

- One of Anakin’s notes is I miss people outside the Temple and would do anything to protect them. Does that make me a bad person? Nothing to say there, just a nice side of this boi and light critique of Jedi Code.

- One of the sections talks about such Jedi ability called Tutaminis, energy absorption. One of its uses is absorbing or deflecting blaster fire. Obi Wan made a note Count me as a follower. He deflected droids’ blaster fire in 2003 clone wars.

- Obi Wan: Master Qui Gon has always tried to impress upon me the importance of reaching out. But my patience is tested whenever we attract a gaggle of pathetic life-forms, which is often Ahsoka: Why am I not surprised? Make some friends!

- Luke: I haven’t been formal in establishing this stage [apprenticeship] and two trainee have fallen to the dark side. My flaw? At the moment i just went you are doing great and i love you none of it is your fault

-  The chapter about lightsabers is interesting as well. First, the have charging ports. They do not expand on it, but I have a mind image of Anakin in a middle of a battle looking for USB 3.0 The other thing is the fact that wen younglings construct their lightsaber, they fuse them on molecular level. That’s a nice touch. 

- Luke: I experienced Sidious’ torture. I hope galaxy never sees his like again. J.J.Abrams: laughs in The Rise of Skywalker

- Boys from Cantina in The New Hope are of Bith special. They are knows to be great mathematicians. My god do i love some music and math are the same shit references

- Sidious randomly making jokes about Anakin killing Dooku. I can’t

- Anakin: Emotions don’t need to be banished, only controlled. I’ve done it. Ahsoka: Not as well as he thinks. This is just sure jen vine right here

- Jedi trials include several stages, one of them is Trial of the Flesh. In brief, when padawans were recruited later in life and suffered loss of a close one, they managed to control their emotions and became Knights. Could it be something what happened to Anakin? I don’t remember the Attack of the Clones that much, but he has lost his mother there and right after that had to fight on Geonosis. Council might have taken it into consideration, as he is already a Knight on Cristophsis.

- Ahsoka making a note about becoming Jedi Ace after end of the war just slapped me into ugly crying right there

- Obi Wan: I’d like to see Dooku beat a battle master Ahsoka: The way i heard it, Dooku beat Obi Wan

- I have seen that meme post about turning on and off lightsaber to bypass the block BUT IT HAS AN ACTUAL NAME. IT IS CALLED TRAKATA. spread the word

- Kel Dor, the species, which Plo Koon belongs too, are native to helium atmosphere. I just like to imagine Plo Koon without a mask speaking like a chipmunk. 

As for the Book of Sith, not much there. It’s more like a collection of ancient Sith texts Sidious managed to collect with his version of Prequels. It also has some comments by Darth Vader and let me say they hurt.

Also Vader’s hand writing is nothing like Anakin from Jedi book. It’s half way between Anakin’s simple hand writing and Sidious’ calligraphy. 

- Vader: Attachment such as this leads to loss and tragedy. I have tried to learn more, but the journals of Darth Malgus do not reveal the fate of his secret love.  It’s painful to think that he heard of Padme’s death and have been reading a lot of sith texts while adjusting to the suit.

- Vader: The Jedi Temple needed to be destroyed if we hoped to end the Clone Wars. In the end I saved lives. Me, reading it as 2am, listening to Across the Stars: sure jen **starts crying**

- Vos: Lightsaber should have hand guards - if you put spikes on the guard, you could use it for punching. Oh, Vos, my clever feral boi, i luv u

- Vos, commenting on Sith technique:  No way. I’m trying this Vos, same page, different note:  Okay tried it. Dislocated my shoulder Your honor, I love him

-  The fanged god from Mother Talzin’s text looks suspiciously like Son on Mortis in his birdy form. No words, just shock

- Luke mentions that after empire fell people believed Jedi were a myth and said it was the result on Palpatine’s propaganda.

No Sith has even truly cared for another being. I understand that the lure of individual power, is seductive, bu to follow the sith is to give up on others. It’s the death of hope.

[onwardintolight]

In which Onward rereads the Thrawn Trilogy and writes a massive review (and some other related stuff)

Alright, so I know I said that the characterization vs. plot thing in new canon vs. Legends was a rant for another time, but I’ve been thinking about it nonstop since and I really need to get a few thoughts out, so I guess this is that time, lol.

I’ve recently been diving into some of the Legends books for the first time in years. Partly because I’ve started listening to audiobooks and can get a whole lot more reading done in a day than I was able to before, and partly... well, I’m just curious to revisit it. I read a number of books from the old EU as a kid, and I definitely had mixed feelings back then. On the one hand, I was delighted—more Star Wars! Yay! On the other hand are the mixed feelings, which have so faded from memory over time that all I can remember anymore is that I didn’t like how the books portrayed Leia.

So anyway, I’ve been curious to give some of them a shot again, and see what I think now (all except COPL. I’m never going back to that one). I started with two that have come on my radar through the Han x Leia fandom, Tatooine Ghost and Razor’s Edge. They were wonderful! I absolutely loved Tatooine Ghost, especially. Razor’s Edge was super fun and had some truly fantastic moments (including some unforgettable shippy ones), but it felt more plot-driven than I tend to prefer (give me ALL the deep character stuff!). Despite that, I still loved it. I already own Tatooine Ghost and I plan to get my own copy of Razor’s Edge, too.

Then I decided to revisit the Thrawn trilogy. 

Oh boy.

Before I dive into that, though, I first want to say that I have many friends on here for whom the old EU is their Star Wars. I have the utmost admiration for you all, and I mean no disrespect. I support you in this being your Star Wars 100%. I’m not seeking to get into any big arguments or flame wars. In fact, I will put most of my ranting about Heir to the Empire et al under a cut, so please feel free not to engage if that sort of thing bothers you. 

Honestly, I’m a big fan of focusing on positivity in fandom, of focusing on what I love and not harassing others who enjoy things I don’t. That being said, I do support a good critique. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not trying to force my views on anyone, but I can certainly express them in my own space and support other people’s right to express theirs in their space. What better space to do so than on my tumblr?

Before I go under the cut, I have one last question for my old EU stans. Based on my enjoyment of Tatooine Ghost and Razor’s Edge, and knowing I’m a particular sucker for character-driven stories, especially if they involve Leia and Han (and/or their ship), are there any other Legends books you’d recommend? Please let me know because I would love to discover more of that goodness!

Now, onto the Thrawn trilogy....

(It probably goes without saying, but major spoilers ahead)

.

.

Disclaimer: I’m sorry if I get some of the details wrong; I listened to the audiobooks and don’t have access to the books themselves right now so i’m writing out all these thoughts from memory

About Leia

So, it turns out that little me was right. Older me had the exact same reaction upon reading the Thrawn trilogy. What the heck did Zahn do to Leia? She seemed so diminished, shrinking. Hardly like Leia at all. If I had been reading a physical book, I would have been tempted to throw it numerous times.

First of all, she was set aside almost entirely for the first book. Despite the fact that the Empire was looking for Luke too, Luke got to be free and keep roaming the galaxy, doing his thing, and Leia was forced into hiding. If I remember right, it wasn’t really her choice (I believe it was Han who refused to take her no for an answer), nor did she argue it much. She just kind of followed the men in her life and let them do all the leading and galaxy-saving. Sounds a lot like Leia, right? *rolls eyes* Overall, she didn’t do much, and she didn’t have any part in the big climactic battle. 

(On another note this reminds me a little of one of Zahn’s new canon books, Thrawn Alliances. SPOILER ALERT: at a key moment, Thrawn pleads with Padme to talk with Anakin and try to convince him not to do something really terrible and disastrous that probably will result in people dying, and Padme basically just sighs, throws up her hands and says something like “It’s no use. When he gets this way no one can convince him of anything” and I just want to SCREAM BECAUSE NO THAT’S NOT THE FREAKING PADME I KNOW AND SERIOUSLY???)

Anyway. *calms down* 

In Dark Force Rising, Leia had a much more interesting plotline as she wins the allegience of the Noghri. I liked her better here, and she seemed a tiny bit more like the Leia I know. But it still just felt... lackluster. 

In The Last Command, she’s once again pushed to the side thanks to the men in her life making the decisions in the name of protecting her. True, I understand that for the majority of these books, she’s been pregnant, and so it’s not just about protecting her, but about protecting the twins. But that didn’t stop her from doing what she felt she needed to in Dark Force Rising. And in this book, she’s already given birth. Winter’s there; she can take care of the twins (as she eventually does). When the heroes assemble and go to Wayland for the big climax of the trilogy, she’s convinced by the men to stay behind (*cue me throwing imaginary book across the room*). Honestly, it felt contrived for the sake of the plot (she has to be there for what happens next) and more than a little bit sexist. 

She does eventually go, however, which made me want to cheer. I would have hated it way more if she hadn’t gotten to participate in the big last battle with C’baoth, particularly in light of the way the books had set her up as a Jedi-in-training (not very far along, but still). I was excited because surely this must mean she plays a big part in that, right? 

...She does not. She basically shows up and then gets trapped, doing hardly anything. Plot-wise, she’s pretty much there to provide an extra lightsaber and moral support of the Force-user variety. I’m glad she got to be there, but... yeah, overall, I’m really not happy with how these books treated my favorite character, and one of the actual main characters of the OT. It kind of felt like she was replaced by Mara, tbh. Which leads me to...

About Mara

Mara, like Leia used to be, is a very angry person, and for good reason. But her anger came off in these books as rather petulant and irrational. Once again, it felt a bit sexist. I hope I’m wrong, but the trajectory seems to be a trope that Leia has already been subject to (in ROTJ, as much as I love that movie, and with the job finished in this trilogy): Soften the angry woman. Make her pleasant and pliable and a little bit subservient. Legends fans, PLEASE tell me this doesn’t happen to Mara. I hope she continues to be a sarcastic, independent woman who takes no sh*t. I hope she loses none of her power, even as she loves and marries Luke. 

Mara had probably the biggest character arc of this entire trilogy. Unfortunately, that isn’t saying much. I really felt like her story had a lot of potential and could have been really compelling, but Zahn just doesn’t seem to know how to write characters with depth. In the end, her big moment of throwing off the Emperor’s power over her honestly just felt kind of contrived and shallow. Oh look, here’s a clone of Luke she can kill instead. That will magically make it all go away. Convenient. 

I wanted to love her. I think I probably could love her, if I read good fanfic. The problem is that the source material leaves all depth to the imagination.

About Everything Else

I mentioned that Mara seems to have the biggest character arc, but that wasn’t saying much. I had a lot of trouble distinguishing any other character arcs at all. The characters all seemed to be caught up in this big plot, carried along with it and deposited victorious at the end, without any obvious growth or change (except, again, for Mara). 

I suppose you could say that Luke learned to stand on his feet without the help of Ben’s Force ghost. But that was given such minor emphasis that I didn’t even think of it until this moment, weeks after finishing the book. 

Aside from my rage at the misogyny, I think this gets to the heart of why I disliked these books. The motivations and emotional/personal journeys of the characters are of utmost importance to me. To me, they’re the whole point. When a book is all plot and little character, I just... don’t care. It doesn’t feel real or relevant. It doesn’t show me that I can slay dragons, too.

I know that theoretically, I could imagine those character journeys. I could fill in the blanks in my mind, or through fic. I have a big imagination; I’m really pretty good at such things.

But tbh, when it comes to these books, I don’t even want to. To me, the plot itself felt pretty lackluster. I keep using the word “contrived” but it fits so well. Things happened and decisions were made that didn’t make much sense, just so the plot could go the way Zahn wanted it to. Now of course the same argument could be made for new canon (particularly, imho, the ST movies), but at least with new canon, there’s a deliberate and largely persistent focus on character. (And less sexism.) 

Other complaints: 

- I got sick of C’baoth in the first book. His villainy was not the least bit fearful or intimidating. His nearly prevailing over the heroes at Wayland felt more accidental than anything.

- Don’t get me started on stupid Bel Iblis and his stupid hurt manly pride that the women in power have to coddle and bow down to before he will lift a finger to help during a genuine EMERGENCY when he was desperately NEEDED (*cue me throwing the imaginary book across the room yet again*) (I think Leia would have had a few more choice words for him than she did in this book. They instantly presented themselves to my mind, at least)

- I can understand why Thrawn was such a big deal when these books first came out, but I think Thrawn is kind of oversaturated these days, and tbh I’m kind of sick of him (I’m going to blame the more recent canon Thrawn trilogy for that). While I like a good Sherlock Holmes mystery, I’m not too big on admiring that sort of “man as a machine” type character. Rationality is not everything, not by a long shot. It is empty and, frankly, shortsighted on its own. The best part about Thrawn’s story in these books for me was seeing him make mistakes (actual mistakes! yay!) and meet his end, perhaps in part due to that over-reliance on rationality and arrogance in his own abilities.

A few things I did like:

- another main female character, yay! Two if you count Winter

- I thought Talon Karrde was an enjoyable character and I’d love to see more of him

- I remember loving the vornskrs as a kid and a little bit of that adoration returned when I read this, bringing with it all sorts of happy nostalgia

- some parts of the plot were fun and exciting, and I could understand why they might feel iconic and Star Wars-y to others

Overall, however, I think Thrawn as a character kind of represents these books as a whole. It’s all very cerebral and practical. There’s art but it only serves the purpose of the rational. To me, these books felt like they were all mind, no soul.

I know that those of you who hold these books dear may disagree, and that’s fine. Honestly, despite my serious problems with them, I don’t hate these books. I might even read them again someday, maybe. I may be convinced to appreciate them more once I read people’s headcanons and hear what people love about it. So with that said, what DO you love about it? Where do you see these books’ soul?

[gffa]

Scattered Star Wars thoughts: - I am now two and a half hours into the Thrawn audiobook and I’m still genuinely enjoying it and think it was legitimately well-done.  Yes, some of the shine has come off of it given my disappointment with Alliances but I still think this book was honestly enjoyable and well done and one of the best of the canon books. It helps that Eli has something that Thrawn genuinely needs help with and that Thrawn seems to genuinely care about him, but also there’s the entire Pryce storyline that may intersect with Thrawn’s at times, but is forced to be largely on its own, so it’s not revolving around him.  I really should read Outbound Flight soon (it’s on my list, okay!!) just to see how Zahn does when not writing Thrawn, especially since Changing Seasons was one of my favorite short stories.  (I reread it again recently and it’s just as entertaining, hilarious, and great as I remembered.) --okay, when I started this post, I was only two and a half hours in, now I’ve gotten another hour listened to, so I’m just past the part where Thrawn and Eli are attacked after the card game and they’ve set up the punishment of sending the attackers off-world, but not telling their friends about it, so they’ll be paranoid as hell for awhile about all of this, and Thrawn’s going on and on about it, which is sort of illuminating a thing for me. Because he’s absolutely explaining all of this in a pretty ham-fisted sort of way, so why doesn’t it bother me the way it did with Alliances?  Why does it largely still work for me here? It comes down to two things:  1) Deenlark was pretty quick to catch on to what Thrawn was suggesting, so there’s someone else in the Empire that’s intelligent and experienced, in a way that’s actually shown.  And 2) Eli genuinely wants to learn about why Thrawn does things, he seems to genuinely enjoy hearing Thrawn’s reasons, as well as Thrawn genuinely seems to care about Eli in return.  Well, and 3) Thrawn is constantly asking questions about what something means, because he doesn’t have that knowledge, so you get that he’s actually not perfect and doesn’t have all the answers. Contrast this against Alliances where nobody seemed to ever catch on to what Thrawn was suggesting in a way that was anywhere near his equal, then add in that it was ANAKIN SKYWALKER and, look, I make fun of Anakin being a dumbass a lot, but he’s legitimately really fucking smart and a dumbass, so having Thrawn explain tech stuff to him or planning stuff to him, just came off as “Who the fuck do you think you are to explain this stuff to Anakin Skywalker?” and this was super super not helped by him explaining REPUBLIC POLITICS TO PADME AMIDALA, like even setting aside that this takes away a good amount from her agency of coming to the realizations on her own because that was her fucking arc in the story (and that’s a big thing to set aside), it’s also just HE HAS NEVER EVEN BEEN TO THE REPUBLIC AND HE’S EXPLAINING REPUBLIC POLITICS TO PADME AMIDALA?? In fairness, it was only one moment, it’s not like it was at the heart of the book, but it was definitely meant to be there and it was combined with how Padme’s words really didn’t make much of a difference, that her big climactic part of the book was still that she used her blaster instead of words, so I’m cranky about the whole thing. Which is on top of how I’m cranky about Anakin never really felt like himself, like Obi-Wan and Ahsoka barely even exist in his thoughts in this book, just like Duja is pretty much the ONLY handmaiden that exists in Padme’s thoughts. Wind those things together with how there wasn’t anyone who seemed to actually want to hear Thrawn’s explanations (or would want to) and how nobody seemed to be able to keep up with him intellectually, and it just felt heavy-handed in a way that Thrawn still works for me.  (I will say that Anakin and Vader’s annoyance with Thrawn were a lot of fun, but it wasn’t quite enough of that for me to really get all the way onboard with the Thrawnsplaining.) Shit, that’s a lot of crabbing about Alliances when this post was supposed to be about how I’m reaffirming what I suspected--Zahn’s a writer that I enjoy a lot when his writing is framed the right way.  You get him a cast of characters that I don’t have strong opinions on, as well as frame explanations in a way that doesn’t make Thrawn the only truly special one around, and inject some genuine affection into the story, and I’m super onboard.  Either that or go full throttle “you are the most infuriating person I can’t outright kill, UGH” (which is why the opening of Anakin trying to pronounce Thrawn’s name still works for me, because that was SO HILARIOUS) but like then you have to show it’s not just Vader or Anakin who’s annoyed, you have to show THRAWN being annoyed, too.  Just like I feel genuine affection for Eli here, I needed to feel genuine UGH THAT FUCKING GUY from him in Alliances and didn’t. This is why I’m generally pretty hopeful about Treason, because I think Eli works a lot better as a counter to Thrawn, than Anakin did.  Thrawn honestly still works for me, even when I can see the elements present there that made me so frustrated with Alliances, why I’m genuinely excited for Zahn to write more Star Wars books.  I know I feels like I’m picking on him, which I kind of am, but I think he can be a really engaging writer, he can put a lot of magnetism into his characters when he has the right framing/restraint for them.  And I am totally rooting for him to do it again with Treason! So, while I still have another 14 hours of this audiobook to go (and I almost assuredly won’t get it finished before Celebration goes into full swing), I’m already cautiously willing to say it largely holds up to a reread and my initial feelings on it being a really good, fun book remain. --OKAY, another half hour or so in and I’ve just gotten past the part about Eli being assigned to the Blood Crow and his initial reaction of utter fury that Thrawn would do this to him, and it’s reminding me that this is the other thing I felt very keenly in Thrawn, that Thrawn isn’t necessarily the greatest guy to be around, even if he didn’t do something deliberately.  That there’s narrative intent to genuinely find Thrawn infuriating, whereas Alliances felt more like anyone annoyed with him wasn’t understanding how helpful he was or was just too prideful to deal with someone smarter than them.  Eli, in contrast, feels much more genuine about how, yes, Thrawn really fucked over his life and maybe that ultimately turns out to something really good for Eli, but his frustration at being pulled along in Thrawn’s wake, his world-weary sigh about accepting his situation, all of that made me like Thrawn more because, okay, yes, that guy is a pain in the ass a lot of the time, and the narrative gets that.  I’m all for super genius perfect characters, but you have to balance them out somehow.  And my favorite way is usually through other people being legitimately annoyed at the effect their presence has on them. ANYWAY, I JUST REALLY LIKE THE FIRST THRAWN BOOK AND IT’S KIND OF FUN TO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN AND REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY.  :D Scattered Star Wars Thoughts/2019 Resolutions Update: - The Star Wars Show 2019.04.10 Current total:  175/520

[loopy777]

what do you regard as the strenghts and weaknesses of Timothy Zhans star wars books? the thrawn trilogy in particular

Hoho, now here’s a question I’ve seen a lot of other fans answer over the years. And now it’s my turn!

Strengths

Characterization and Character Voicing: Authorial ticks aside (”Point.”), Zahn conveys the characters he writes about like no one else (but Matt Stover). His Luke is more Luke-like than other novelists, his Han more Han-like, his Leia more Leia-like, etc. He even surprised me in the recent Thrawn: Alliances by nailing Clone Wars Anakin’s voice so perfectly, and even highlighting Padme’s less vivid personality. Governor Pryce was the dark horse joy of Thrawn, for crying out loud!

Great New Characters: Thrawn, Karrde, Mara, C'Baoth, Rukh, Fey’lya (even though I never remember where that apostrophe is supposed to go), and more. I have no idea why they have Zahn writing more books about Thrawn (as much as I like them) when they should be locking him in a room and forcing him to come up with new characters in exchange for food. Zahn gets how to create Heroes and Villains (as opposed to mere heroes and villains, no capital letters) that fit into the adventuresome world of Star Wars and fill in the existing gaps. Keeping him writing about the Imperial military is wasting his ability to fill in at all levels of the Star Wars setting, but even then, he manages to create some vivid Everyperson characters.

Solid Space Opera (with a good military sci-fi flavoring): Star Wars is a setting that sometimes seems like it’s better suited for RPG’s than tie-in fiction, and Zahn is one of the few authors who knows where those two intersect. His stories hop planets, bring in new technologies, throw in aliens who are more than humans with forehead ridges and a stupid personality quirk. And unlike much of Star Trek, he does all this with propulsive plots. Besides his Star Wars work, check out the Conquerors Trilogy for another great example. And unlike a lot of Military Sci-Fi writers, he’s not bashing democracy or glorifying the use of force even as he gives us the tactical starship battles we all want.

Big Scale: This is an under-rated skill for Star Wars EU authors. You’d be surprised how often a book’s worth of plot is stretched out over a trilogy- or, nowadays, a novella’s worth of plot is stretched a bit and sold as a novel. Now, I’d say that Zahn is only mostly consistent on this point, as his Mara Jade novels can be a bit thin, and Thrawn Alliances was good but could have been made tighter for a better effect. Actually, maybe the solution is to just give him multi-book projects, because he fills those up just fine.

Mystery/Intrigue/Suspense: Look, I’m not saying EVERY story needs to have a level of mystery to it, but it’s the perfect seasoning that only improves things, and Zahn knows how to use it to drive character actions and plot. Everybody wants to write Sherlock Holmes (or derivative characters. Hi, Thrawn!) but few people know how to structure an investigation. Zahn has this down cold.

Sharing the Sandbox: This one is more controversial, and I know some people are put off by what they see as ‘bashing’ of other EU works, but I see it this way- Zahn never took a swipe that wasn’t well-deserved, he puts in the work of retcons to restore disrailed characterization, and he keeps it firmly in the perspective of the characters who are speaking. The most egregious example, Mara doubting that Palpatine in Dark Empire was the real guy, has the scene in Luke’s POV and he disagrees with her. If other authors don’t want Zahn questioning their characterization of Mara Jade, they should stop writing her terribly. :P  And when he uses other people’s characters, he does his homework and gets them right.

Weaknesses

Lack of Innovation: Even his best work, the Thrawn Trilogy, is still fairly derivative of the Classic Trilogy. Han and Lando are put firmly back in old roles, in ways that really hampered their later use in the EU. This isn’t a bad thing, necessarily, as Zahn remixes Star Wars in a way that feels fun and comforting, but there’s a reason why the era he kicked off quickly fell into diminishing returns; no one could look at it and see a path forward that wasn’t just More or Again. I’ve never understood the desire to adapt the Thrawn Trilogy as real sequel movies, as much as I like them, and this is a large part of it.

Dry Writing (especially action scenes): This is pretty straightforward. Zahn’s writing is functional, nothing more and nothing less. He avoids big emotional moments. Everybody is very rational. And his action/combat sequences range from Adequate to boring procedurals. Action scenes especially need someone who can bring some real pizazz to the proceedings. My earlier compliment about finding the intersection between storytelling and running an RPG kind of fails him, here. Scenes that should move faster will stop as the characters act like a group of role-players having a discussion about how to use their Ten Foot Pole to escape the trap. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. And you’re never going to laugh out loud thanks to a Zahn book.

Relies Too Much on his Famous Characters: Thrawn and Mara Jade are great characters in both the Thrawn Trilogy and the Hand of Thrawn Duology. You know the best book he wrote after those? Scoundrels. Full-stop. Yeah, further Thrawn and Mara adventures were good, but Zahn’s just doing the magic trick we’ve all already seen. In Scoundrels, he stretched himself with ‘new’ characters (I mean, he’d already written a bunch of Han and Lando, but they’re not his characters) and a completely new kind of plot that played to his strengths, and the result was great. I’d love to see Zahn doing more like that, finding new things to write about instead of More Thrawn. I like Alien Admiral Sherlock Holmes, but what else could Zahn give us with the right opportunity? Again, I feel like the publisher is misusing Zahn, keeping him on the sidelines relying on his brand when he could be creating things that other authors can run with.

Lack of Moral Challenge: It was better when Mara Jade might have killed some rebels. There, I said it. I don’t think she was ever a dark-sider who needed to be redeemed, but pushing the idea that she only ever killed corrupt Imperials is a bit silly. (I like that Ron Marz, in one comic, had her supplying information on hidden Order 66 survivors to the Emperor, and asking to take them out for him.) To a lesser effect, I think some of this same problem is in play with Thrawn, although not to the degree that people sometimes say. I don’t think Zahn sees Thrawn as a hero, and the recent books have done a better job showing the nasty parts of the character, but sometimes it seems like Zahn shies away writing a villain protagonist even when that’s exactly what he’s being called to do.

[callunavulgari]

Scrapbook 2018 - Pt. II

Second part of the scrapbook for 2018. A reminder, for myself and others-

Italicized titles - enjoyed quite a bit | bold titles - love | titles with an asterisk* - all time favorites | (bracketed titles) - re-watches/re-reads | strikethough - dislike

Goals are: read forty-five new books this year (34 so far!), finish six video games (2 so far!), write either 30 fics or 70k total, finish the damn Sabriel AU (not so much), and write something original.

MOVIES

June

Solo

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women

(Coco)

(The Lost Boys)

(Road to El Dorado)

(Avatar)

The Philadelphia Story

Singin’ In The Rain

Incredibles 2

Funny Girl

High Society

Blade Runner 2049

Moonlight

Ocean’s 8

July

Ant Man and the Wasp

Lego Batman Movie

Good Morning Vietnam

Mary and the Witch’s Flower

(Coraline)

August

(Hercules)

(Wonder Woman)

(Coraline)

Flavors of Youth

September

(Song of the Sea)

The Losers

The Greatest Showman

October

(Jurassic Park)

(LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring)

November

(V For Vendetta)\

(Serenity)

To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

December

Wreck It Ralph 2

(Howl’s Moving Castle)

Ready Player One

Home Alone 2

BOOKS

June

The Stand | Stephen King

Think of England | K.J. Charles [Fin] 

Reincarnation Blues | Michael Poore [Fin]

Voyage of the Basilisk | Marie Brennan [Fin]

Wishful Drinking | Carrie Fisher [Fin]

(Captive Prince | C.S. Pacat) [Fin]

(Prince’s Gambit | C.S. Pacat) [Fin]

(King’s Rising | C.S. Pacat) [Fin]

The Fifth Season | N.K. Jesmin [Fin]

The Power | Naomi Alderman [Fin]

July

The Stand | Stephen King [Fin]

King of Attolia | Megan Whalen Turner [Fin]

Conspiracy of Kings | Megan Whalen Turner [Fin]

The Ocean at the End of the Lane | Neil Gaiman [Fin]

Postcards From the Edge | Carrie Fisher [Fin]

A Closed and Common Orbit | Becky Chambers [Fin]

The Wicked + The Divine, Vol. 1 | Kieron Gillen [Fin]

The Wicked + The Divine, Vol. 2 | Kieron Gillen [Fin]

The Wicked + The Divine, Vol. 3 | Kieron Gillen [Fin]

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street | Natasha Pulley [Fin]

Half Bad | Sally Green [Fin]

Spinning Silver | Naomi Novak [Fin]***

(Uprooted)** [Fin]

The Bedlam Stacks | Natasha Pulley [Fin]

If We Were Villains | M.L. Rio [Fin]

Circe | Madelline Miller [Fin]

Lord of the Flies | William Golding [Fin]

The Goldfinch | Donna Tartt

The Obelisk Gate | N.K. Jesmin [Fin]

(His Majesty’s Dragon | Naomi Novak)

August

The Goldfinch | Donna Tartt [Fin]

(His Majesty’s Dragon | Naomi Novak) [Fin]

Pachinko | Min Jin Lee [Fin]

The Cruel Prince | Holly Black [Fin]

Thick As Thieves | Megan Whalen Turner [Fin]

The Language of Thorns | Leigh Bardugo [Fin]

Salt Magic, Skin Magic | Lee Welch [Fin]

Red Queen | Victoria Aveyard [Fin]

Record of a Spaceborn Few | Becky Chambers [Fin]

The Labyrinth of Drakes | Marie Brennan [Fin]

The Stone Sky | N.K. Jesmin

Luck In The Shadows | Lynn Flewelling

September

The Stone Sky | N.K. Jesmin [Fin]

Luck In The Shadows | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

Stalking Darkness | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

Within the Sanctuary of Wings | Marie Brennan [Fin]

Traitor’s Moon | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

Shadow’s Return | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

When Breath Becomes Air | Paul Kalanithi 

The White Road | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

Casket of Souls | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

Shards of Time | Lynn Flewelling [Fin]

The Name of the Wind | Patrick Rothfuss

October

The Name of the Wind | Patrick Rothfuss [Fin]

When Breath Becomes Air | Paul Kalanithi [Fin]

Little Fires Everywhere | Celeste Ng [Fin]

Titus Groan | Meryn Peake [DNF]

The Fellowship of the Ring | J.R.R. Tolkien

Howl’s Moving Castle | Diana Wyyne Jones

The Wise Man’s Fear | Patrick Rothfuss

November

The Fellowship of the Ring | J.R.R. Tolkien [Fin]

Howl’s Moving Castle | Diana Wyyne Jones

The Wise Man’s Fear | Patrick Rothfuss [Fin] 

December

Howl’s Moving Castle | Diana Wyyne Jones [Fin]

Ender’s Game | Orson Scott Card

The Poppy War | R.F. Kuang

PODCASTS

June

Wolf 359 (Eps 49-61) FIN

The Bright Sessions (56 - Finale) FIN

Penumbra Podcast (1-32)

Alice Isn’t Dead (5-6)

July

Penumbra Podcast (32)

August

Penumbra Podcast (ALL OF IT)

September

EOS 10 (Rewatch of s1 & 2, then 1-5 of s3)

Welcome to Night Vale (1-26)

October

EOS 10 (s3; eps 5-FINALE, bonus episode)

Welcome to Night Vale (26)

November

Welcome to Night Vale (26-29)

Wolf 359 RELISTEN (1-34)

Penumbra Podcast (Juno Steel and the Long Way Home pt 1-2)

TANIS 1

December

Wolf 359 RELISTEN (34-62)

TV SHOWS BY SEASON

June

Westworld s2

Legion s2

The Flash s4

Siren s1

Sense8 Series Finale*****

Black Mirror

Voltron s6

July 

The Bold Type s1

Anne With An E s1

Black Mirror

Big Mouth

August

Anne With An E s2

Legion s2

The Flash s4

Voltron s7

San Clarita Diet

Jeff Jeffries

September

American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Killing Eve

The Dragon Prince

Castlevania

October

American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Killing Eve

The Haunting of Hill House

The Good Place s2

Castlevania s2

November

The Good Place s2

Castlevania s2

American Horror Story: Apocalypse

Killing Eve

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

She Ra s1

December 

(Dead Like Me)

(Buffy the Vampire Slayer s4)

VIDEO GAMES

June

Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone DLC - 2 hrs

Song of the Deep

(Final Fantasy 15) - 30 hrs

July

Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone DLC - 2 hrs

SOMA [Fin]

(Kingdom Hearts Final Mix) - 34 hrs [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days - Remix [Fin]

(Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix) - 40 hrs

August

(Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix) - 40 hrs [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts BBS, Terra - 20 hrs [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts BBS, Ven - 5 hrs

Prey, M Morgan - 30 hrs [Fin]

Prey, F Morgan - 6 hrs

September

(Final Fantasy 15) - 100 hrs

Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone DLC - 6 hrs

October

(Final Fantasy 15) - 100 hrs

Witcher 3: Hearts of Stone DLC - 6 hrs

Kingdom Hearts BBS, Ven - 12 hrs [Fin]

Kingdom Hearts BBS, Aqua - 5 hrs

November

Kingdom Hearts BBS, Aqua - 5 hrs

Pokemon Go?

December

Pokemon Moon (34 hrs, Ghost trial?)

Pokemon Go

(Kingdom Hearts: DDD - La Cite de Cloches, 5 hrs?)

Pokemon Let’s Go Eevee

Detroit: Become Human

DELIGHTFUL FIC

June

take the stage and deliver by mothwrites | Wolf 359 | Jacobi/Kepler | 3k | “Why me?” Jacobi asked.“You’re just his type,” Cutter said. “He’ll never see it coming.”

push to the limit by gortysproject | Wolf 359 | Jacobi/Kepler | 10k | five times kepler asks too much of jacobi, and one time jacobi can't pull through for him.

you be the motor, I'll be the gasoline by crookedfingers | Wolf 359 | Jacobi/Kepler | 5k | The hold music begins before Jacobi can finish his sentence. He blinks at the far wall and then glances at a clock. He’ll give it thirty seconds before he hangs up.Then the music stops jarringly mid-note and someone says, “Thank you so much for your patience. I understand that you’re seeking career opportunities with Goddard Futuristics.”

life 2.0 by goldtreesilvertree, mothwrites | Wolf 359 | Jacobi/Eiffel | 5k | "Alright... Daniel. Why are we having a movie night?" Minkowski never seemed the type to be into movie nights, and Hera probably doesn't get the point. He's beginning to get the feeling this will be the first movie night Eiffel 2.0 is going to remember, and he doesn't know if that's a good thing."Because," Daniel says, passing him a DVD so he has to get up again, "I really want to watch this, and my usual movie-buddy is dead. My backup movie-buddy is also dead. Any further questions?"

 'til your heart goes numb by LuckyDiceKirby | The Bright Sessions | Mark/Damien | 1k |  Instead of going out and getting drunk with Rose, Mark goes for a drive.

black sheep and mischief by grim_lupine | Thor | Thor & Loki | 3k | A bird alights on Thor’s shoulder and pecks his cheek twice, hard enough to make him wince.“What are you doing?” it warbles in his ear.“Wondering what my brother is doing up at this hour, little bird,” Thor replies. “Will you go ask him for me?”

(Lines on Palms by Fahye | Captive Prince | Damen/Laurent | 35k | "You're lying," Damen says. "You walked into Akielos and stole something from me.")**

On Tilt by 13th_blackbird | Solo | Han/Lando | 3k |  “You want to play?” Han says, nodding at the cards, before he can think better of it. “Or are you just showing off?”

tell me, get my shit together by paperclipbitch | Solo | Han/Lando | 5k | “I thought we were actively avoiding each other after the Trandosha Shitshow,” Han says.“We’re actively avoiding each other after the Iridonia Shitshow,” Lando corrects him, “the Trandosha Shitshow is That Which We Do Not Speak Of.”

Make Me Feel by Copper_Nails (Her_Madjesty) | Solo | Han/Lando | 2k | Winning the Falcon back is supposed to fill the empty space beneath his ribs. Han told himself this the whole way to Lando, tells it to himself again, now: it’s immensely satisfying to stare up at the ship’s sleek (battered) lines, so he can stop thinking about Crimson Dawn, thanks; can stop thinking about Beckett on the cliffside and Qi’ra, fading like a star in the morning.

Proving It by sailingonstardust | Solo | Han/Lando | 1.5k |  “You know,” Lando interrupts Han in the middle of a story about a seedy club and two twi’leks, “you can talk, and talk, and talk, but I don’t believe half the things you’re saying for even a second.”

one night on the falcon by topaz | Solo | Han/Lando | 3k |  If Han was the kind of guy who thought about things like this, the idea of fucking Lando Calrissian in the ship he'd used to own would have fallen somewhere on the Cool side of the prospective ideas spectrum, probably shading to the Not really likely to happen but still fun to think about group. 

A Cornstalk Fiddle by notbecauseofvictories | Devil Went Down to Georgia | Devil/Johnny | 9k+ |  Where Johnny goes, the Devil follows; where Johnny goes, the Devil is already there.

The Beginning After the End by notbecauseofvictories | Star Wars | Padme & Obi-Wan | 7k |  Padmé wakes to the back of Obi-Wan’s head, his hair mussed and his arms spread, outstretched over her knees as though to shield her from all that would come.

( Stargazers by Ruby_Wednesday | Captive Prince | Laurent/Damen | 90k | Five years after the Truce of Marlas, Damen and Laurent meet again in Delpha. They're forced to work together to soothe the growing tension between their countries. But Laurent does not forgive easily and Damen's not that sorry.)

( One the Other by Ruby_Wednesday | Captive Prince | Laurent/Damen | 200k |  Marlas goes badly for Damen. He goes back to Ios with Laurent as his reluctant ward.)

July

Any More Obvious by idiopathicsmile | Les Mis | Eponine/Cosette | 2k | “Look, folks,” says Musichetta, ten minutes from the end of cheer practice, “we have an audience. A spooky audience.”

speak in tongues by SpineAndSpite | Yuri On Ice | Yuri/Otabek | 7k | The last time Yuri went sightseeing with Otabek it had been the middle of winter, and he only had breath to contemplate the speed of the bike and the warmth of Otabek through his jacket. A crowded bus is a far cry, but he still has the same feeling of displacement--of not knowing what will happen next.

cherry pie by brawlite, ToAStranger | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 133k | Billy Hargrove lives for summer. Endless sunshine, heavily chlorinated pools, roaming ice cream trucks, and unencumbered freedom? There’s nothing better.**

(you hate me) cause i got what you need by brawlite, ToAStranger | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 6k | “You smell like coconuts,” Billy murmurs. “Like the ocean, too.”

Draconia by perceived_nobility | The Bright Sessions | Damien/Mark | 4k | "So I was driving. One ex wife and one ex husband later, stopping at the same fucking gas stations you and I stopped at."

untalked of and unseen by prouvairing | If We Were Villains | James/Oliver | 5k | Four times Oliver and James slept together, and one time they didn’t. Not exactly in that order.

Swipe right by mee4ever | HP | Draco/Harry | 2k | Or then one where Harry swipes right, and it turns out Draco does too.

The Truth by mee4ever | HP | Draco/Harry | 4k | Or the one where Harry is too bloody thick to see the truth, even when it's staring him in the face.

August

Victory Condition by astolat | Transformers | Megatron/Optimus | 39k | “Do you want me to tell you a story?” Megatron said mockingly. “You won’t like it, Prime. It’s not a very nice one.”

chases, escapes, true love, miracles by pepperfield | The Flash | Cisco/Harry | 55k | Just because the timeline has been restored, doesn't mean things are back to normal. Cisco's got 99 problems, and Harry Wells is approximately 38 of them.

Turn by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | Star Wars | Reylo | 9k |  I would kill for you, he thinks at her, inside her, and this is the result of what they just did, the culmination of all of their history together. I would destroy the entire galaxy for this.

You should see the things we do by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | SW | Reylo | 13k | “Maybe Ben will come home from his business trip and bend me over the nearest piece of furniture and fuck me hard and fast.”

Your Pretty Little Heart by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | SW | Reylo | 64k |  “Good. Good little Omega.” He says the words against her gland, almost sweetly, and Rey—Rey is going to die. A wonderful, delicious death. Depraved, all of this. Filthy. Beautiful.

✓✓ Read by Boyue | South Park | Kyle/Stan | 65k | AKA how Stan Marsh met Kyle Broflovski through a dick pic mishap.

Pretend There Is No Wreck by LuckyDiceKirby | The Flash | Harrisco | 11k | Cisco and Harry figure out how to not kill each other, and also maybe how to talk about their feelings.

the cure by aquaexplicit | The Flash | Harrisco | 43k | “I guess I don’t really get what you need to fix? Harrison Wells is a hot, rich genius that pays you to make cool stuff with his daughter and is totally into you. If you guys boning is the biggest problem you have, I think this officially qualifies as your best relationship ever.”

and everything nice by perzimon | Voltron | Sheith | 5k | when he's beautiful and you love him but he can't make toast, the fic

hello, i love you, won't you tell me your name by perzimon | Voltron | Sheith | 12k | Keith's human enough to have wisdom teeth and unlucky enough to need them extracted. The team despairs.

Unexpected Developments by mific | SGA | McShep | 14k | Detective John Sheppard after Vegas (S5E19). His near-fatal wound's slowly healing and he's got his old job back, but then someone turns up unexpectedly who's a greater mystery than any of the cases on John's desk, and John has to make some hard choices.

teach me something new by tagteamme | Voltron | Sheith | 64k | Keith and Lance accidentally get into trouble. Shiro is the TA that has to Deal With It™.

to go, to follow, to kneel at your feet by arahir | Voltron | Sheith | 12k | They think it will be funny to leave him with a Galra in heat.

called out your name (but it was too late) by arahir | Voltron | Sheith, Griffin/Keith | 5k | Walk into the Garrison like—wait, what the fuck, is that Keith? Or: an old classmate watches Keith fall in love with someone else.

To Consummate is to Burn by the_glow_worm | Spinning Silver | Miryem/The Staryk | 6k | Miryem, the Staryk, and their wedding night.

The Time-Traveller's Portion by PutItBriefly | Pride & Prejudice | Elizabeth/Darcy | 7k | Darcy always knew she was to be his wife. He just didn't know she was poor.

September

songs about love by sarahyyy | YOI | Yuri/Otabek | 8k | In the embedded Instagram photo just under that subheading, a very grumpy Yuri is cuddling a very grumpy-looking cat. The caption reads: I found the cat version of me at the shelter today. #iknowisaidnomorecats #canyoublameme

Between the Lines by Dementordelta | Harry Potter | Snarry | 22k | Harry discovers a secret in his Potions text and a friend in the Half-Blood Prince.

More Than Gravity by JenTheSweetie | Marvel | Stony | 20k | “Aw, time travel, no.”On Christmas Eve, Tony came unstuck in time.

Of an Arcane Binding by Salvia_G | The Hobbit | Thilbo | 44k | An inexplicable magic ties Bilbo Baggins, hobbit of the Shire, to Thorin, dwarven prince of Erebor.

Back and Forth by kiyala | Yuri On Ice | Yuri/Otabek | 4k | Yuri convinces Otabek to get snapchat, just to send selfies of himself making faces at Victor and Yuuri. He gets more than he expected.

your tongue is sharp, but i miss the taste of it by thecopperkid | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 7k | Billy had one job -- don't take off the scarf. / Science is probably not Steve's strong suit, but he's really trying to make sense of why Billy's suddenly found him so appealing.

Things Already Said by balloonwhisk | The Bright Sessions | Damien/Mark | 4k | Damien gets a not entirely unwelcome early morning surprise.

Wreak Havoc by myfandomsareinfinite | EOS 10 | Ryan/Akmazian | 8k | Five Times Ryan Dalias Saved Akmazian's Life (Sort of) and One Time Akmazian Saved Ryan's (Sort Of).

you will see what it is to be overcome by magneticwave | Star Trek | Spirk | 10k | What kind of an idiot would try to explain magic to a Vulcan.

Bloody Ruin by esama | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor | 37k | Vampire hunter and a vampire try to get along.

Minus 1 by Ever-so-reylo (Ever_So_Reylo) | Star Wars | Reylo | 6k | The text—'What’s up, daddy?'—was originally intended for Finn.

Paint it, red by CeruleanHeart | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 3k | " That's a pretty color..." Billy repeated and stepped closer, crowding Steve against the door "... for a pretty boy."

October

a road less traveled and a life less led by Azzandra | Dishonored | Gen, Outsider & Billie | 9k | She took him out of the Void, as promised.And then she kept him, she supposed.

Changing the Sound of Your Name by Agrotera | Dishonored | Outsider/Corvo | 14k |  It was the first thing she said to him when they stumbled out of the Void. You’re going to need a name. Emerging from the dark into what promised to be a lifetime of questions impossible to answer, and she broached the hardest one first.

if the end comes (don't let us hear it) by Kandakicksass | Dishonored | Outsider/Corvo | 5k |  "He comes in like a ghost in the fall of 1854."

Work of All Saints by antistar_e (kaikamahine) | Coco | Hector/Imelda/Ernesto | 210k | Imelda Rivera (b. 1899 - d. 1969), a story that includes but is not limited to: the finest music school this side of the Santo Domingo, three traveling musicians and the mess they made of love, the twice-cursed assassination of Venustiano Carranza, all the patron saints, and ninety-six ways a man can try to cross a bridge.**

Traveling Far by astolat | GOT | Jaime/Brienne | 24k |  Three weeks into their delightful slog across Westeros, during yet another charming day of shitting in the woods, eating half-raw squirrel, and trudging his feet bloody, the single most dour and uninteresting woman Jaime had ever met in all of Westeros stopped in the middle of a field, drew a deep breath, and said, “When I was seven, my aunt came to visit with her son. My father told me that as the daughter of the house, it was my duty to show hospitality to my guests and to be gracious to them. I wanted to make him proud. So for three weeks, I let my cousin follow me around and talk to me about spiders.”

insert baseball pun here by hoppnhorn | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 6k |  He’s considering taking up smoking again if it keeps him from trying to pick up Steve in the middle of the office. That’s really the last thing that he needs to do, start fucking around with someone he works with. He had sex with a coworker one time back in college when he worked at some shitty deli and that had devolved into his manhood being threatened with a meat slicer.

Regrowth by moogle62 | Uprooted | Agnieszka/The Dragon | 1k |  Agnieszka’s wood-green cottage stands waiting for her when she leads Sarkan carefully by the hand back home. They wind through the trees together and only she does not flinch at the stray touch of branches. The Wood has known her too completely, now, for her to mistake friend for foe.

I just met you (and this is crazy) by littlesystems | Captain America | Steve/Bucky | 41k | After Steve gets outed by a grainy cell phone picture, it takes the media less than 24 hours to discover Captain America’s secret relationship with James Barnes: classical musician, teen heartthrob, and son of a former president.The only problem? Steve has never met James Barnes in his life.

will you chew until it bleeds? by brawlite | Venom | Venom/Eddie | 7k |  Venom drags Eddie into a seedy club out of sheer curiosity. Trying to make the most of a night he didn't choose for himself, Eddie tries to get laid. Instead, he gets mugged. Afterwards, Venom doesn't let Eddie feel too disappointed about the missed opportunity. 

devil's backbone by starscry | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor Belmont | 3k |  “Come, now. I’ve seen you stalking around, pent up like a bitch in heat. You’re quite high-strung; it’s beginning to wear on the others, me included,” the vampire drawls. His sharp eyes find Trevor’s, narrowing slyly. “You need a good fuck.”

Steam and Skin by LuciferianRising | Castlevania | Alucard/Trevor | 5k |  He wanted to spare Sypha the horror of having to share a bath with either of them, but Trevor never imagined choosing to share it with Alucard would lead to this. He's not exactly complaining, however.

November

when the devil comes to plea (he'll be running quicker than you've ever seen) by Hornswaggler | EOS 10 | Ryan/Akmazian | 3k | Akmazian runs with some pretty shady people. Akmazian is a pretty shady person. Now the Destroyer of Stars has developed something of a soft spot. Not all of his employees approve.

like it's supposed to by Hornswaggler | EOS 10 | Ryan/Akmazian | 2k | Ryan is consistently busy. Luckily for him, that means he's consistently distracted from things he'd really rather not think about.Unluckily for him, he's apparently not too busy for impromptu visits from one of the most wanted men in the system.

a lesson in cartography by novembersmith | Uprooted | Agnieska/Sarkan | 7k | “I will never cease to be amazed at your unequaled talent for creating chaos out of the simplest components. You were meant to be scrying and map-making. What were you doing?”

heart on a string by jilliancares | She-Ra | Adora/Catra | A good Force Captain would do a lot of things that Catra wouldn’t, like not pulling their punches when fighting Adora and not sneaking into Castle Bright Moon for anything less than evil purposes. Unfortunately, Catra wasn’t a very good Force Captain, despite striving all her life to become one.No, everything had changed when Adora wandered into the stupid Whispering Woods to find a moral compass. Little did she know she was dragging Catra’s heart on a string behind her.

December

Aia ke ola i Motunui by asteriae | Moana | Moana/Maui | 25k | The trouble with saving the world and returning home a hero with a demigod by your side, is it really scares off potential suitors.

lilies of the valley (cover me with kisses, make my garden grow) by diasterisms | Star Wars | Reylo | 8k | Every girl is entitled to the mistake. That one colossal fuck-up that permanently alters the terrain of who you are. You'll either learn from it or you won't, so might as well have the time of your life.

Astronomical Odds by xzombiexkittenx for Cinnamaldeide | Hannibal | Hannigram | 2.5k |  Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, “Thanks! how do you know I’m not a serial killer though?” I replied, “The chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.”

meet me in the woods tonight by brawlite, ToAStranger | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 86k | There’s something in the woods of Hawkins, Indiana.

Notes of Noy, Notes of Joy by pendrecarc | Spinning Silver | Miryem/The Staryk | 5k | "I might wander ten thousand years in the goblin depths and never find a way out again...."Miryem descends into the depths with no more than a dagger in her hand, a mirror about her neck, and a song in her heart to bring her husband out again.

if you don't like the company, let's just do it you and me by hoppnhorn, thecopperkid | Stranger Things | Billy/Steve | 9k |  “Stevie, Stevie, Stevie,” Billy tuts, and it’s nearly sickening, too fucking good, the way he looks like he can think of nothing better than digging his teeth into Steve Harrington. “Look at you. What’re we gonna do with you, huh? Tell me what you want, pretty boy.”

B-Sides by notbecauseofvictories | Devil Went Down to Georgia | The Devil/Johnny | 5k | All the tunes that didn't make the cut.

DELIGHTFUL FANVIDS

June

Steve Rogers | Elegy

Lucifer | Heaven's Door

in my veins | keith

[𝙺𝙻𝙰����𝙲𝙴] WAVES

Voltron | Rise 

VOLTRON || H O M E || Season 6

Eleven || I'm this way because of you

July

Tenth Doctor | Reminiscence 

Lucifer | Heaven's Door

Marvel || Where are you now? (Faded)

Stranger Things | Heroes

What if THOR RAGNAROK had an anime opening?

August

the maze [multifandom]

Gilbert Blythe || The last, the only

K E I T H // "I won't quit" (6x07)

(Marvel) Avengers | Sacrifice

sᴜʀᴠɪᴠᴏʀ (ᴇᴘɪᴄ) // {Voltron AMV} ᴍᴀᴊᴏʀ sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 𝟼 sᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀs

Voltron | Rise (Season 6)

sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ // {Voltron AMV} ᴍᴀᴊᴏʀ sᴇᴀsᴏɴ 𝟼 sᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀs

Marvel | We Will Rock You

infinity war || bleeding heart

How Far We've Come - Voltron AMV (s1-s6)

Kylo Ren | Look What You Made Me Do

Way Down We Go｜Detroit: Become Human

Loki // Hustler

Born ready [VOLTRON]

You could be h̶a̶p̶p̶y̶ and I won't know

ʜᴏᴡ ғᴀʀ ᴡᴇ'ᴠᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴇ

voltron s7 | home

VOLTRON || FIX YOU || Season 7

almost everything;

Infinity War || Flesh and Bone

Broken People || Avengers Infinity War

September

Marvel || Death is not the End

Blood//Water || Voltron Legendary Defender

The Wolf|Voltron| AMV

Harry Potter || Across this New Divide

► I Like Me Better

Game of Thrones | Flesh and Bone [6K]

October

The Byers || We can fix it, together

Legion || The World Killer

Infinity War || Violet Hill

Mike & Eleven || Out of the darkness

My Hero Academia「AMV」|| You Can Become A Hero

MARVEL || Stronger [The Score]

Peter + Roman | he hurt you

peter & roman | animals

November

N/A

December

Excelsior, Stan Lee

[Catradora] Ｔｈｅ Ｅｎｅｍｙ

Avengers: Endgame - (Logan Style)

2018 --Trailers Mashup

X Ambassadors - UNSTEADY | Official Dance Video #LoveisLove

2018 Movie Trailer Mashup

just a machine? [Detroit: Become Human] *HBD Pteryx*

who are you? | Connor | Detroit: Become Human

Detroit: Become Human || Paralyzed

DELIGHTFUL MUSIC

June

Emeli Sande - Daddy

EMPIRES Hello Lover

Stupid | Brendan Maclean

Chaos Chaos - Do You Feel It?

GHITA - Mindfvck

Olivia O'Brien - Fuck Feelings

gnash - i hate u, i love u ft. olivia o'brien

Paradise Valley | Honey and the Sting

Hidden Citizens - Hazy Shade of Winter

Attila the King | Nick Glennie-Smith

Lawless - Crossing Over (feat. IO Echo)

Is This the End | Joseph William Morgan

Man or a Monster | Sam Tinnesz(feat. Zayde Wølf)

EXPERIENCE - LUDOVICO EINAUDI

Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing, Sense8 Remix ft Zoe Wise 

Moonlight End Credits | Nicholas Britell

July

Ori and the Blind Forest Soundtrack

Little Sadie - Crooked Still

That Feeling When - Dagny

Asylums for the Feeling - Silent Poets

Starboy - The Weeknd

Lash Out - Alice Merton

Liztomania - Phoenix

Alice - Fields and Planes

Little Black Submarines - The Black Keys

Ahead By a Century - The Tragically Hip

Can I Sit Next To You - Spoon

Fantasy Reading Soundtrack

Watercast Soundtrack

HAEVN - The Sea

August

Achilles Come Down - Gang of Youths

Ocean Size - Jane’s Addiction

174 Hours - Jeff Russo

you should see me in a crown - billie eilish

the trapper and the furrier - regina spektor

the war - syml

lion - saint mesa

island - svrcina

who are you - svrcina

lovely - billie eilish

hold me - the sweeplings

natural - imagine dragons

mermaid - skott

sky full of song - florence + the machine

music to watch boys to - lana del rey

road river and rail - cocteau twins

hypnos - daemonia nymphe

in a landscape - john cage

mmm mmm mmm mmm - crash test dummies

queendom - aurora

ordinary world - duran duran

September

silent lucidity - queensryche

friends - marshmello

popular - nada surf

song of the sea lullaby - nolwenn leroy

flesh and bone - black math

the wolf - siames

broken people- rag n bone man & logic

nina cried power ep - hozier

kol nidrey - the yuval ron ensemble

amen - for king & country

stronger - the score

rise like a phoenix - conchita wurst

heroes - mans zelmerlow

cut to the feeling - carly rae jepsen

electrified - just loud

all my friends - the revivalists

the way you used to do - queens of the stone age

the morning after - maureen mcgovern

killer shangri-lah - psychotic beats

work it out - effee

sous les aquarelles - ingrid st-pierre

the other side - greatest showman ensemble

the greatest show -  greatest showman ensemble

never enough - loren allred

this is me -  greatest showman ensemble

October

SOS - Cher

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - Cher

Dancing Queen - Cher

Perfect Opening Line  - The Frames

Twin Fawn - Chelsea Wolfe

The Plains/Bitter Dancer - Fleet Foxes

Don’t Fall In Love - Still Corners

Acid Rain - Lorn

One Night Only - The Struts

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Always Starting Over - Idina Menzel

Ghost of John - Kristin Lawrence

Fernando - Cher

The Ancestors - Dario Marianelli

November

Turn Back Time - Cher

It’s Quiet Uptown - Kelly Clarkson

Stranger Things - Facing West

Saturn - Sleeping At Last

The Origin of Love - Hedwig

December

DJ Earworm Mashup - United State of Pop 2018 (Turnin' It Up)

DECADE OF POP | The Megamix (2008-2018) // by Adamusic

MASHUP 2018 "THE GREATEST HOPE" - 2018 Year End Mashup

DANCE TO 2018 | YEAR END MEGAMIX (MASHUP) // by Adamusic

Vivaldi Recomposed by Max Richter

WRITTEN FIC

June

and i'm always tired, but never of you | The Bright Sessions | Sam/Damien/Mark | 10,405 words | Sam runs into Damien at the grocery store two years later. It changes everything.  

July

N/A

August

tides will bring me back to you | Kingdom Hearts | Axel/Roxas | 7,383 words | When Axel was sixteen, he did something stupid. He and a couple of his friends took his mom’s car up to the mountains, where they’d spent the better part of the day drinking bottles of stolen liquor and staggering along a heavily forested trail, laughing and bumping into trees as they went. As it was getting dark, they’d ended up near the end of it, where the heavy brush of the trees gave way to open sky and sea, a quiet little cove in the middle of nowhere.Then, one of his friends said, “I dare you to go in the water.”

September

Smallest Light | Stranger Things | Gen, El & Will | 5,165 words | In the summer of 1986, Will’s mom marries Jim Hopper. OR, Will and El learn how to be real people again together.

October

N/A

November

i don't want to rest in peace, we can haunt each other's dreams | EOS 10 | Ryan/Akmazian | 1,520 words |  In the dream, Ryan wakes up and Akmazian is there. 

December

Looking For Atlantis | SGA | Mcshep | 4,632 words | Hey Rodney, the postcard reads. Go see a movie.

keep your heart open (i'll keep mine open too) | Stranger Things | Harringrove | 7,915 words | “Did you even like me before you found out I was your soulmate?” Billy murmurs as he kisses a line down Steve’s throat.

FANMIXES/GRAPHICS

December

2018 Playlist

[riancraigjohnson-blog]

but like... It's a war... People die. Good people die.. Heroes we love die. And the old cast had to go too. It was a problem from the beginning thst they came in it wasn't rain jogson or whatever his name is. Bringing  them back was problematic to begin with and they planned to kill them off. We knew that. This was a good way to do it  it have a message it gave Luke the chance to finally say, "fuck you" to the Jedi and to die full filed with hope for the new generation.

Paige died so that rose would be in a great emotional state in order to keep fin from going. We basically saw two Asian women being heroes. One giving her life and fighting to the last even tho it seemed she'd fail and the other being smart cunning sweet funny kind and brave as hell

Rey didnr need more teaching. She was already strong enough and he didn't want to train her anyway. It would be more jedi teachings and he really didn't wanna do that rey from now on needs to find a new way to train herself after  the lessons Luke gave her Every second movie in this franchise is about loosing hope and finding one apart in the end literally what happened in Empire strikes back and Clone Wars. Things get fucked up but ppl manage to go on.

so, i’ve been at work all day, and i’ve been saving this so i could properly reply to it. let me preface this: this was never about ‘oh the heroes cant die’. we learned that in the original trilogy: beru and owen died. alderaan was obliterated. obi-wan died. biggs darklighter died. arvel crynyd died. yoda died. we learned that in the prequels: qui-gon died. shmi died. padme died. we learned that in rogue one: everyone fucking died. it’s never been a question of ‘oh, heroes can’t die’.

ask yourself: why does the old cast have to go? why aren’t they allowed to retire? why do they have to die? if we’re supposed to see this grand passing of a torch, a source of hope for the future generations, a source of inspiration as the older generation says to the new ‘i’ve done my part-- now it’s time for you to do yours.’ see, this is a more powerful message to me; it’s not about the old simply putting faith in the new, but the new coming to terms with their own strength, their own responsibilities, and their own place in the world: no, they are not the old, and they never will be. they’re them, and that’s all that matters. that’s the lesson johnson should have gone for, and if that’s what he was aiming for, well, he failed. by saying “oh, you obviously didn’t do that great a job and fucked things up so now you have to die” is an really?? lame narrative? i’ve said it before, but killing off mentors is not a new or exciting twist. there’s nothing jaw-dropping about it. if we supposedly all went in expecting that the old heroes had to die because apparently there’s just NO ROOM IN THE ENTIRE GALAXY FOR MORE THAN ONE GENERATION OF PEOPLE, then why is luke’s death treated as shocking as it is?

so, what you’re telling me is that rose wouldn’t be strong without her sister dying? she wouldn’t be able to tell finn that he shouldn’t run away without first suffering from the loss of paige? that somehow, the only way for rian to make sense of rose being against deserters is completely wrapped around the idea that her identity is tied to her sister, as opposed to rose simply being dedicated to the resistance and having a prejudice against cowards? ( which finn is NOT, despite rose telling him he is time and time again, which is extremely disgusting when you remember that finn had the fucking courage to look at the deeds of a fascist organization, and when the time came, he said no. ) also, guess what? i would have found it a LOT more impactful if we actually got to see more of paige being on screen, if we got to hear her say more than one line ( not even a line, she said the guy whose job it was to drop the payload’s name, ) if we got to see her actually interact with rose and build upon their relationship-- i personally would feel paige could have done a hell of a lot more good being a positive living non-white character as opposed to a dead one. this whole idea that loss = strength is dangerous, because it gives way to the idea that oh, if you’re depressed about something, it’ll be okay! you’ve hit rock bottom, so the only way to go is up :))) but the problem is, life isn’t like that. we don’t suffer the loss of family or deal with mental illness and get the chance to instantly buck back up. if johnson really wanted to, as he said, deal with the ‘darker fragments of our psyche’, then he should have dealt more with the actual loss of losing someone. with the trauma of being tortured. the struggle of suddenly having freedom and trying to figure out your place in the world. but no, instead he decided to completely brush over this concept and just use the ‘loss = strength’ principal which is just..... bad writing.

finally: rey didn’t need more teaching. do you notice how rey holds a lightsaber? so close to her face? her handling of a lightsaber is directly reflective of her handling of her quarterstaff, which is fitting considering that’s all she’s used in the past. you know what luke could have taught her? different forms. that’s not inherently tied to the jedi teaching-- it’s literally different stances and methods. in fact, the training tools obi-wan used with luke are still on the falcon, and wouldn’t it have been a treat to see him bring those out and use them with rey? also how is rey going to give herself lessons? from the jedi texts she stole? despite both luke and yoda agreeing that apparently it was time to just fucking burn the whole history of the jedi down? ( which, what was the point of that, when rey absconded with the books anyways......... )

the problem with johnson’s take on ‘hope’, though, is that they would likely have a hell of a lot more of it if rian decided to make a good story instead of insist on conflict for conflict’s sake.

[saferincages]

Happy 80th Anniversary to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, ever sweet and lovely, its artistry and grace being the groundbreaking first that allowed the legacy of animated film-making which followed it, its importance and beauty lives on to this day. It is a work of art, no matter how many times I see hand-drawn animation referred to as "archaic," those gorgeous watercolor backdrops and the darling, rounded lines of the characters are what elevated animation into its own genre of spectacular film.

I was hoping there would be at least one celebratory article today, but it turns out the tone of all of the ones I perused was incredibly cynical (why are we never allowed pure enjoyment of anything these days?), which made me...sadder than it should have...and I'm not entirely well enough to write something eloquent myself today, but I will say that I respect and cherish the work that Walt Disney, the animators and artists, the voice actors and reference models, all did to bring this work to life. They worked tirelessly, despite being told that the film was folly, was destined to fail, and when they brought it to fruition, it moved and touched audiences so much (audiences who were suffering through a difficult time and desperately needed an escape, and a hopeful one) that there are documented stories about people crying in the theatres near the story's conclusion, and how phenomenal that impact was, that these little *animated* fairytale characters were powerful and touching enough to move viewers to tears.

Snow White has been such a perennial part of my life that I don't actually have the memory of being introduced to her, but I certainly know the stories - humming the music to myself, requesting a Snow White themed third birthday party, being read Snow White storybooks, insisting on carrying my doll of her everywhere. I am surrounded by mementos and reminders of her daily. And the thing I think so many misunderstand, especially today, where we're constantly told that being a Strong Female Character somehow must equate to unrelenting badassery and emotional detachment, is that her power is never in her beauty or her station - if anything, those are obstacles (the Queen's unfounded hatred is based upon those traits) - her strength is in her gentle nature, the kindness she shows to others without hesitation, her loving heart that persists even though she was brought up in a life of loneliness, misery, and abuse (and essentially indentured slavery in her own castle, a trait shared with other oft wrongly maligned heroine Cinderella). She runs away when she's told her stepmother wants to murder her and this is treated as an action of weakness, but I'm not entirely sure how a young girl is supposed to "fight back" against that level of cruelty, and leaving the situation is a liberating step despite the fear that accompanies it. She is giving of herself with the Dwarfs but also doesn't hesitate to put them in their place (or even tease them, see: Grumpy), she's loving towards her animal friends and, Disney magic style, this leads them to help and protect her. Yes, it's a product of its time, 1937 (and why this is consistently held as a detriment is confusing, everything ever made is a reflection of its specific period, social mores absolutely change, usually for the better, and feminism has come a long way, but holding something made eighty years ago up to today's standards is a false equivalency?). Yes, the Prince does indeed rescue her in the end, because that's a fundamental element of the story's structure. I've never believed she should be dismissed for these things, but she usually is. The rhetoric that we can't possibly look at her as inspirational in any way is such a narrow point of view.

As a little girl who was shy and quiet, with a wavering voice and a soft disposition, Snow White was always a comfort. I felt akin to Belle in many ways too, her delving into books as a source of joy and respite, her "oddness" in her community (and Belle is considered a much more "acceptable" heroine to love), but certain aspects of Belle were much more aspirational for me, whereas Snow White was inspirational. I might not ever be as fierce and brave as Belle, though I could aspire towards her, but I knew I could be as kind and loving as Snow White, and so she was inspiring to my heart, my spirit, my perspective.

(I just had this aspirational/inspirational discussion with a dear friend in regards to Leia Organa and Padme Amidala, and that's a bit of a digression here, but the dichotomy is fresh in my mind and the mirroring contrasts are the same - I love both of those girls with all my heart, and they were both formative, though Leia was introduced to my life much earlier and I was a bit older when Padme came along - Leia is still held up as a symbol of empowerment, whereas Padme is so consistently derided she's almost ignored completely outside of certain parts of the SW fandom. Why is this? Yes, Leia is a leader and a fighter and an all-around awesome lady, but...Padme is a leader and a fighter too, deeply devoted to her people, fiery of spirit when she needs to be, unfailingly compassionate. The key difference is the way they're defined by their femininity. I read an article defending her the other day, and while I didn't agree with everything about the male author's perspective, he did say this: "Femininity, maternalism, affection and gentleness are traits to cherish and celebrate in our world and needn’t result in negative scoring on the chart of aspirational female figures." ANYWAY talking about Padme is an entirely different essay, but this point is relevant here).

I do not expect other women in this world to be overtly feminine or to embrace femininity, it's absolutely valid not to do so. The thing that exhausts me is that the knee-jerk opposite reaction now is that if one does embrace it, is very feminine in presentation or relation to the world, is sensitive and emotional, you are automatically less worthwhile. You are not a feminist. You are failing as a woman. It's hurt me for so long because it makes me feel like I don't have a voice, or that the ideas and feelings I do have aren't valuable, that I can't be welcomed in feminist conversations even though I agree with every stride forward, every fight for rights and equality. There's such a silencing element to it, even though that's contrary to everything feminism teaches.

So, yes, I am soft and delicate in nature, and not particularly confident, and girly and dreamy and silly, and quiet and strange in the shut away necessity life has caused me, and prone to empathetic tears, and I adore pretty songs and romance and cute animals and the hope in the end of the fairytale. Yes, I believe even the smallest acts of compassion and kindness can affect a life. Maybe those actions can't change or revolutionize the world, but there's a quote from the Talmud: "And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved an entire world." So maybe with those smallest of acts, there is always a sliver of salvation. Yes, I believe in love in all its forms, and that it is transcendent, that love is a light. (You know who else reinforced that this year? Wonder Woman, undoubtedly one of the "strongest" fictional women of all.) Yes, I believe there's a way to keep hold of empathy and mercy even when we've faced cruelty from others and the coldness of the world. Snow White was my first fictional friend and teacher in these things, and despite everything that's said about her (which I've had to combat all this time), despite the 1937 aspects of the outlook, I continue to carry her in my heart. I'm not ashamed to be like her. I continue to have faith that being caring and warm is not in vain.

Remember, you're the one who can fill the world with sunshine.

[pendragonfics]

Waving, Not Drowning!

Aqua Profunda: Chapter One | Chapter Two

Paring: Obi Wan Kenobi/Reader

Tags: female reader, godparent reader, fluff, tooth-rotting fluff, alternate universe - swimming

Summary: Power couple Padmé and Ani have next to no time around their booming careers. Thus, the Godparent, _______ steps in! This time, instead of ridding the house of sand, and saving the day, she's playing taxi to the twins' swimming lessons. Who knew the instructor was so hot?

Word Count: 1,363

Posting Date:  2016-05-20

Current Date: 2017-05-09

Being a godparent could be hard at times. It meant always being there for the kids at any time - and for the Skywalker family, you were needed quite a bit. Be it Luke tracking sand into his bedroom (also known as the time you deep cleaned so deep Anakin never found out), or Leia, in the many occasions where she needed picking up from school after getting into a fight (Ani and Padmé were both at work). And now. You're heralding the twins into the swim centre, making sure they've got their goggles and towels for their lesson.

"Remember, no running," you remind the kids.

If it weren't for their impressive gene pool, you wouldn't hesitate to say the two kids who were practically your own were trouble themselves.

"The three thirty swimming lesson?" The clerk behind the desk asks politely. You nod, reading her little tag. Ahsoka. "Cute kids." She smiles. "Will your partner be joining to watch soon?"

You laugh. "Ha, partner. No, these aren't mine, and their dad is crazy busy." You have a glance to the twins, and shake your head. You're too swept away by your own work to have a partner, but kids? Preposterous. The twins were enough to godparent as is. "Just me today."

Ahsoka beams, and peels off two dolphin stickers for Luke and Leia. "You're a little early, but I'm sure Mr Kenobi wouldn't mind. He's just finishing up with the squads."

"Thanks Miss Ahsoka!" They chime, and make way to the pool.

By the time you make it to the little pool they twins are learning in, you let out a held in breath you didn't think you had been holding. Five young kids, no more than eight years old, are towelling off, beaming bright smiles. You weren't even sure why you'd been so unsure about the swimming lessons - maybe because it was your first time. It was usually Anakan's job. But of course, he has work.

"Good job, everyone, I'll see you all next week. I think it's high time to start you all on freestyle," a jovial, bearded man grins. He must be Mr Kenobi, but you're not sure. There isn't anyone else around. "Remember, don't run!"

Your confusion as to who he is altered Leia. "That's Obi. He's really nice." She beams.

"He taught me how to float!" Luke nudges your knees.

"Ah, Mrs Skywalker?" Mr Kenobi sees you, making way to greet you. "I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi, the swimming teacher."

A blush breaks out over your face. Well, it wasn't hard, seeing as it was an enclosed heated pool, but still, you felt a heat rise to your cheeks. "Nice - nice to meet you Mr Kenobi, but I'm ________, ________ _________. Godmother of these two, and not the wife of Anakin." You correct quickly.

He nods, thoughtfully. "I thought so. I practically raised Anakin, I would remember if it was your face I gave away at the wedding or not."

You start. "I was their, uh, the maid of honour, actually."

Crouching, Mr Kenobi reaches the height of the twins. "So, you two are a little early. How about you two want to help me clean up the stuff the older kids left out?" He sees their dolphin stickers, and whispers, "You two have these badges? I bet you got them from cleaning!"

Luke frowns. "Miss Ahsoka gave them to us for -,"

"Yes! We're great at cleaning up!" Leia drowns out her brother, roping him into something he didn't much agree to. "Come on, Luke!"

The rest of the lesson goes quite quickly. You don't resort to reading your book, and instead, watch as the kids try their best in the paddle pool, learning how to swim. While Luke is good at the kick boards, Leia is a fast learner. Other kids, two little boys, named Han and Lando are doing their best too, and from what you can see, so is Mr Kenobi.

Why do I keep staring at him? You berate yourself. He's attractive, you can give him that; him and his bright smile and his swim shirt that clings to his shoulders and that beard.

It wasn't until many weeks later, near the end of the season. Anakin and Padme still not able to take the position of 'swimming lesson taxi driver' back, and without regret, you keep it up. Maybe it's being able to see Obi Wan's face as he teaches, so kind and gentle with these kids, or the fact that it seems like you're the parent to the twins.

Maybe it was then when you finally realise that you're head over heels, knees over nose, eyes over toes, dead on in love with him.

"So, kids, you're all done! Next swimming season you'll be graduating up to the next level to my good friend Qui Gon, and after him, Mr Windu."

"Thank you Mr Obi Wan Kenobi!" The kids chorus, and paddle out to him in the pool to give his middle a squeeze with their five year old arms.

You stand, and adjust your bag strap. Leia and Luke notice, and take the signal as it was, leaving the pool.

"Time to go home to Mummy and Daddy?" Luke asks you. "I can't wait to tell Artoo that we finished the swimming lessons!"

A sigh could be heard through Leia's towel. "He's a dog, Luke, he doesn't care."

"Does to!"

"Guys, how about we not go home right away," you preface, physically separating the twins from each other, "and maybe dry off, get changed ... and not tell Mummy and Daddy about an ice pole before we go?"

Their faces light up, rushing to the bathroom with their clothes to get changed as fast as they possibly could.

"So, _________," you hear a voice call your name. Turning, you see it's none other than Obi Wan. He's towelled down, but his impeccably parted hair is wild from hand drying, mouth wide with an amicable grin. "Now, since I'm not teaching the kids -,"

"I'd like a lemonade flavoured one!" Cried Luke.

"Me too!" Leia chimed.

The kids noticed Obi Wan, and beamed. "Hello Obi! Thank you for teaching us." Luke and Leia chimed.

You watch as he crouches to their level, "What was your favourite thing about learning how to swim?"

"I liked the kick boards," Leia confesses.

Luke poses. "I liked doing starfish!"

You laugh. "That's right," you tell Obi Wan. "They're a couple of little troopers, here. I was just going to get their ice blocks and then skedaddle before their Dad calls a search warrant."

Obi Wan straightens his back. "I'll pay for ice blocks, Mrs _________."

You feel a blush coming on, leading the kids to the kiosk with Ahsoka. "It's actually Miss, Mr Kenobi."

"That's a surprise, I would have thought that you'd have a charming partner, __________. Maybe a dog and a beach house." He hands the money to Ahsoka after the twins picked out their ice lolly.

You shake your head. "No, I have a little apartment to myself, and my parrot, Threepio. Downtown."

Obi's eyebrow quirks up. "I live downtown, too."

"Maybe you two should get married," Leia pipes up. "I would, if I lived near a nice man like Obi."

You ruffle the hair of the five year old. "Leia," you warn her. You don't want Obi Wan to find out about your silly crush through a child.

"Well, if that's the case, young Skywalker, I suppose I have no choice other than to take the lovely, devoted, funny, beautiful ________ __________ on a date, then do I?"

Luke nods in agreement. "That's right, you have no choice. Do it tonight, she isn't babysitting us. And bring her flowers!"

Obi Wan must notice the heat on your face, because in an instant, he's writing down digits on the kiosk receipt.

"Tonight, six? Text me where you want to go, and I'll meet you there." He beams.

You nod. "I'll see you then!"

Being a godparent could be hard at times. It meant always being there for the kids at any time - and now, you realise, also taking time for yourself.

"Are you going to kiss him?"

>> NEXT CHAPTER

[alexheathen]

Growths

This is the story of my life, from the perspective of my relationship with my mother and her 13 years with cancer. I’ve posted bits and pieces of it before, but I felt like I could finally write it, and anon asked, so here it is. Warning: long as fuck.

The experience of my mother’s illness is central to my biography, without a doubt. Our relationship was incredibly close. I am the firstborn son in my family, so I suppose it was inevitable. She read to me almost every night when I was little: The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, The Once and Future King, and then Winnie the Pooh after the epic fantasy well dried up. I was discouraged from sports and imbued with the generalized fear/caution many of us 90’s kids seemed to get growing up. In fewer words, I was super nerdy, and I 100% had mom to blame. 

For much of her life, my mom’s best friend was her older sister, Patricia, or Pat, for short. Pat received her first breast cancer diagnosis in 1993, fairly late in the tumor’s development. Treatment was aggressive, as it tends to be on the first go round - both breasts removed and intensive chemotherapy. Still, the disease progressed and eventually spread to her ovaries; she died in 1995 due to complications from chemo (treatment is inevitably worse than disease when we talk about cancer). My mother was devastated, and I was five years old and confused. Why was everyone crying? What happened? When my grandma told me my aunt was just sleeping, mom scolded her for lying to me. “She’s gone to heaven,” mom said, “and she’s not coming back.” The Lion King came out that year, and they played “The Circle of Life” over her memorial slideshow at the wake. A wake that was held at the high school I would attend, over ten years later. My sophomore English teacher was the woman who had been hired to replace my aunt after she died, and she passed along one of my aunt’s annotated books, which she had kept all those years. That was a very spooky day.

Breast cancer haunts my family; the genetic specter of the BRCA1 mutation looms large in my family tree, comorbid with clinical depression. My grandmother had two run ins with it, and though she only had a double mastectomy as treatment, she lived well into her eighties. In addition to my aunt, there is a cemetery of second cousins and great aunts I never met. Among the women of my generation, getting tested for the gene mutation is something of a rite of passage. 

My mom’s first diagnosis was in April of 2002. Being a bookish and political child, I had been rocked by 9/11 the year before: the day after the attack I threw up on the bus and mom had taken me home. In less than a year, mortality entered my life, first on a grand scale, and then on a very personal one. My schoolwork suffered and what social life I had withered, since I relied on my mom to arrange it. As is often the case, I withdrew into books and videogames. In hindsight, I realize I was profoundly depressed, but as the oldest I took it upon myself to make sure no one worried about me - this was the only way I had control of my situation. 

Fearing the swift and painful demise of her sister, my mother opted for an even more aggressive course of treatment - severe chemotherapy, the removal of both breasts and her uterus. In those days, our house was a still as a crypt. Every day, I would come home from school afraid she had died while I was gone. Many afternoons were spent sneaking into my parents bedroom to make sure she was still breathing, then falling into my own bed to weep or scream into the pillow before falling into an uneasy sleep. I have distinct memories of recurring nightmares from this time of my life, where my soul would leave my body and float around my house, completely out of my control.

This relatively brief period, less than a year, would define my adolescence. Even after her disease had gone into remission, I did my best to make sure mom had no cause to worry, even as my grades slipped in and out of dire straits. I was determined to make sure my parents had no cause to worry about me being “one of the bad kids" and I had also been marked by the unresolved experience of my mother’s illness, so I was indelibly separated from most of my peers. As a result, I missed out on a lot of teenage degeneracy, and most of the developmental milestones of that period as well. I struggled to separate myself from my parents. Teenage mawkishness was made worse by trauma. I had hoped college would be a clean break; in ways it was and in ways it wasn’t. 

The summer of my senior year of highschool my mom received her second breast cancer diagnosis. This time, however, I at least had some agency. I made myself useful as I could around the house, cleaning and mowing the lawn, and I drove my mom to and from her chemotherapy appointments. When I left in the fall, she still had three more months of treatment to go, but the fear of death was not present as it was the first time. Separated from the events of my mother’s illness, I was able to use it as a motivation instead of a burden for the first time in my life. I excelled my first year of college - three semesters on the honor, and I won an iPad from the freshman writing competition. I wrote the winning essay the night before it was due, after smoking heavily. It was supposed to have been a work memoir, but I hadn’t worked much at that point, so I made up a job at Barnes and Noble and wrote most of the essay about taking care of my mother that summer. In a small way, I hated myself for it - in high school I always resented the kids who wrote sob stories to win contests while I proudly suffered in silence.

By junior year, however, I was severely depressed again, as I moved off of campus and lost my social support network. There was a semester I missed half of the classes in two courses, having become deeply confused about what I wanted from life and entered into existential catatonia. Still, I didn’t seek help, beyond smoking cigarettes, weed and taking the occasional acid trip. This turned around a bit, fall of my senior year, when I had my strongest experiences of friendship and creativity, and began to study mysticism and spirituality, but it was short-lived.

Come January of 2013, suspicious dark spots appeared on one of mom’s regularly scheduled MRI’s. The doctors waffled back and forth over whether or not it was cancer; but I think we all knew. The day my mother called to tell me it was officially back, I had spent the morning chanting Om Mani Padme Hum and had found a unique tranquility, like a warm green sun was holding my heart. I met that devastating phone call with grace and tranquility - and then had it decimated over the coming months. 

I could barely keep it together to deal with school - I was okay in class but I didn’t have the presence of mind to work on assignments. As much as I could afford to, I smoked weed - which wasn’t very much - I was unemployed and my dad was tightening the purse strings to encourage me to look for work. One day, stoned, desperate, and staring down finals feeling completely helpless, I shaved my head and eyebrows, hoping to elicit some sympathy/be forced into talking about my dire situation. And it worked - three of my four professors passed me, to some degree or another, even though I either turned in the final essays late or not at all. The only one that didn’t, amusingly enough, was a 100-level course I had put off until the end of my degree - “Honors 105: Religious Worldviews and Ethical Perspectives.” I failed that course twice and didn’t graduate because of it. 

My family didn’t know I had shaved my head; when my mother came to graduation she was deeply disturbed by it, because it was an explicit reminder of the impact her illness had on me. The night before graduation, I smoked the last bit of resin in my bowl and went into uneasy sleep. I woke up an hour late the next morning, threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, grabbed my cap and gown and ran for the bus. I didn’t have time to go to the bathroom, so I ended up shitting in the bushes in front of Soldier’s Field, Chicago, which was near where the ceremony was held. I eventually made it; mom was pissed, dad was confused, and my middle sister, I would later find out, was going through her own mental health troubles.

I should’ve moved home immediately, but I spent June through August in another existential catatonia. I was supposed to be looking for jobs; I read manga, watched Super Sentai, drank beer and smoked cigarettes. In September my dad came in a moving van to take me home; the night before we left he parked in a grocery store parking lot, and to add insult to injury, it got impounded and he had to pay $500 to get it out. 

I spent the rest of 2013 and most of 2014 in near catatonia again, playing shit loads of video games - I remember playing Dishonored, Deus Ex HR, and Dark Souls in particular. I also remember playing Borderlands every damn day for a month when they were doing a “win a million dollars!” promo. My sister was about to graduate high school, had blue hair and was trying on being a lesbian. We became really close during this time, sneaking around to smoke cigarettes and supporting each other through our misery. I also got really close to my mom; sometimes we would spend whole mornings talking over coffee, both feeling guilty over the pain we had caused each other. 

I eventually started seeing a therapist and taking 20mg of Lexapro daily, and finally I got the monkey off my back. I found a job, first working in a warehouse, and then a bank. Mom’s condition worsened, of course. You don’t survive a third diagnosis, so the chemotherapy she was taking was only to extend her life bit by bit. April of 2015, she was on so many fucking drugs she was getting loopy, culminating in her telling me “You were the beginning of the misery in my life,” while I was putting away the dishes one night. I brushed it off, but when I was alone I completely lost it, just burst into tears, and I confronted her, and she was shocked at her own behavior. She had no explanation. She was hospitalized for the last week of April, they recalibrated her meds, and she entered hospice care in May.

She lived for another six months, until October 15th, 2015. I got reassigned at the bank to one of the most hellish, tedious jobs I’ve ever experienced. During lunch I would go out, guiltily smoke cigarettes and contemplate jumping off the parking garage. I was catastrophically lonely August through September.

The night mom died was a Friday. I had gone to pick up some hard cider after worked - Rhinegeist Red. The day before, she had gone to the clinic where she received her chemo and said goodbye to all the technicians - some of these people she had known for ten years. I have to imagine those are some of the most peculiar friendships in all of human experience. She and dad also went to say goodbye to the neighbors from the house I grew up in. Dad was surprised that night - she seemed stronger than she had in months. This “golden day” is apparently typical for people in hospice care.

Friday morning, mom had started to have trouble breathing around 10:00 am. She just couldn’t catch her breath, and she was in a lot of pain. The hospice nurse came by and upped her morphine dosage, and told my father to continue to administer another dose every half hour. 

When I came home, it seemed like the house was empty. I put my cider on the kitchen table, and suddenly the bathroom door opened. Mom had braced herself against the door frame; dad was holding her up. As he carried her into the kitchen, I saw death like I never had before.

My mother’s left eye was cast toward heaven. The right one wobbled ghoulishly in its socket. Her skin was the color of old glue. Her eyes had been off kilter for a few weeks - somewhere a tumor was interfering with her ocular nerve - but the pallor was new.

Dad called the hospice nurse again, after putting mom in the hospital bed that had become a fixture in our living room. I drank a can of cider. Mom fluttered in and out of consciousness. 

My yoga teacher had suggested I read to her while she lay in bed, and out of sentiment’s sake I had chosen Winnie the Pooh. I was in such a poor state that I had only done it once before that day, though, so I started the second chapter as we waited for the nurse.

As fate would have it, it was the story where Pooh goes to Rabbit’s house, eats too much honey, and gets caught in the door on his way out. Wouldn’t it be odd, I thought, morbidly, if this was the last story I read to her? This story of a sweet old bear caught halfway out the door.

The hospice nurse arrived, checked mom’s vitals and swabbed the saliva from her mouth, as she could no longer swallow. The nurse walked dad and I into the other room, and told us she probably had a week to live. It was like a grenade went off in the room. I needed to steady myself, so I went upstairs, got on the computer, and read comics reviews.

Shortly thereafter, mom’s morphine pump ran out of batteries. Dad went upstairs to get the replacements. When he was halfway down the stairs, the nurse shouted “Steve, she’s going!” He vaulted the rest of the steps, and I followed shortly thereafter.

When we arrived, mom sputtered out her last few breaths. Dad said, “I love you Mel. I’ll never forget you, as long as I live.” All I could say, was sorry, over and and over again.

Dad stayed with her body, and I went to pick up my sister from college. It was a I miracle I didn’t get into and accident. I bawled and wailed the whole way there, a and then I was done. 

The day of the funeral was sunny and crisp, autumn at its most sublime. The service was held a the church mom had grown up in, a small Lutheran chapel with stained glass windows.

I wrote my mother’s eulogy. I had planned to for years. It was the best speech I ever gave - my diction was clear, my gaze met the crowd. Afterwards, they would tell me they saw her standing behind me.

I didn’t stutter until the very end, when I said the words she wanted to be remembered for:

“Life is short; be kind, and be memorable.”

And then I sat in the pew, and shed one last tear.

I wish I could tell you I fixed after that, but I wasn’t. I spent another four months at that hellish bank job before I quit. When I quit, I took up yoga again, and started cooking. I began to rebuild myself. During that time, my friend’s mother helped me find a teaching job, here in Korea, and that’s how I finally began living again.

Is everything perfect now? Of course not. I still have trouble getting close to people; I’m a twenty six year old virgin. But things are a hell of a lot better, and it’s getting easier all the time.