#but then maybe august's will be easier since i'll be at college

[fridayyy-13th]

okay so like. i have ocd, and obviously with that comes intrusive thoughts. but sometimes i have intrusive thoughts without a compulsion coupled with them. is that a different thing. is that just anxiety. send help

[neonjawbone]

So, out of curiosity: as someone who's got a long-running web comic AND who's got a novel coming as well, have you found that your process for writing each are very different?

Are there things that are the same?

Did you find one easier than the other?

Did the type of media you were making influence the genre you chose to work with?

Sorry, just super curious since I haven't seen anyone do both before!

ooh!! I love this question!

Yes, I'd say, the process is very different! I've said this to a couple friends so far, but working in prose has been like reuniting with an old friend. Pretty common story, but I was a huge reader until sometime in college (around the time i got on social media and my adhd really took a nosedive), so actually writing (and by extension, trying to get back into reading) has been REALLY fun and interesting. My process for storytelling itself is really similar, but writing for comics can leave a lot up to the visuals. What the backgrounds look like, expressions and character acting, these are things i tend to leave to myself on the page. When you rely on them overmuch in prose, what you get is a kind of boring slog. Working in prose has lead me to try and write not how things *look* (as is my instinct coming from comics) but how they *feel*.

Furthermore, prose is such a different game. Idk how else to put it. The act of writing is so uniquely vulnerable, and while theres things I miss from comics (expressions being wayyyy up there) theres also so much cool shit you can only do in prose. Stuff like really getting into characters interiority, and through multiple pov characters painting different pictures of the world and your cast.

Prose is easier, bar none (okay, this is kind of incendiary) what I mean is, prose is less labor intensive. The act of creating/storytelling/art is still WORK. No matter how you're doing it. And certainly, sometimes I'll beat my head trying to convey something in prose that isn't like, boring. But I can bang out 1k-5k words in a day without aggravating my RSIs, it is not draining in the way that comics are, simply put, yeah. It's physically easier to type words (for me) than it is to draw a comic.

Example: Though I started work on my novel, OTAS, about a year and a half ago, maybe only 6-7 months were spent writing with any regularity (and even on writing days I was still able to do many other things!). The graphic novel I worked on, TPATPG (out in AUGUST!!) took two years of near constant, daily work which allotted a majority of my drawing energy..

Now, I don't think my influences have really changed so much, BUT I made a conscious effort to read prose books with more regularity since starting to incorporate fiction writing. I think it's very important to take in the media you want to work in!!

In conclusion, working in prose has been really fun, and I'm excited to do more of it!

[potentiallypolyglot]

Career Change Update #4?

Okay, it's been forever since I posted a formal update, but I've been making a lot of progress!

I can't find my earlier posts about this so I don't remember where exactly I left off. But in the past I was talking about debating between some universities in either Beijing or Shanghai to get my masters in translation. I am committed to attending a Chinese taught course so that I can be surrounded by native speakers as I learn and of course I'd also be of more help to my fellow students in that way.

In August, I had the opportunity to visit both Beijing and Shanghai while visiting my college roommate. It was an amazing experience and I hope everyone has the opportunity to visit China. There are definitely some things you should know before you go though so maybe I'll make a separate post about that someday. Both cities were great, and it ended up being hotter in Beijing than it was in Shanghai the days I visited. Unfortunately for Beijing, it was the first city I visited and I ended up getting a bit sick from jetlag. I was already leaning toward Shanghai at that time though.

Upon my return to the states, a few people expressed strong feelings that I should go to Beijing. One being my roommate whose parents live relatively closer to Beijing. And another person who told me that Shanghai "wasn't real China", even though she hasn't travelled farther than Europe. Whatever. But I ended up speaking with a friend who studied in Beijing a little more than 10 years ago and I thought Beijing might be a nice place after that. Plus Shanghai has some heating issues in the winter and might be too muggy in the summer. So around end of November/beginning of December I began the application process.

I hit some roadblocks pretty much immediately, mostly in the form of my insufficient Chinese proficiency, but also partly in the form of being terrified of applications. My friend who studied in Beijing ten years ago assured me that his application process had been super simple. Basically, he emailed the college and they asked him for some documents and they admitted him and he got the Chinese Government Scholarship easy as pie. I quickly discovered that China has made some huge strides in the process over the last 10+ years (go figure, I definitely should have expected that). I did email them though and they replied with the application websites, as they should.

But the real issue is that I don't have high enough Chinese proficiency, much less documentation (HSK certificate), to apply for a Chinese taught masters course. So my plan has changed. It's actually a little bit more like my original plan in fact. I've decided I will teach English in China for 1 year to improve my proficiency and then apply for my Masters degree. I am currently in the process of getting my TEFL certification and expect to begin applying for positions in a few months!

As my research and daydreaming about life in China continued, I was still somewhat undecided about the city that I wanted to live in. Maybe I could teach in one city and then study in the other. But what if I put roots down and didn't want to switch it up? But all this and lots of Google searching lead me to an entirely new destination. A smaller city in Southwest China and not everyone is perfectly happy with the new location, but my mom really likes the idea and I'm excited about it so that's all that matters. They also have university there with my major so I won't have to relocate. And the lower costs of living there mean that the university will be affordable for me, even if I don't get the scholarship.

Also of course, it's comparatively less international than Beijing or Shanghai so it will be easier to practice Chinese rather than being roped into always being an opportunity to practice English. It will also be harder to fall into a pattern of only hanging out with other expats since there are fewer expats to be found.

So very excited stuff! And I'm more than halfway through my TEFL classes so there will be more updates to come! I've also transitioned out of my previous job into a lower level support role in order to ease my impending departure.

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

(Please ignore this if it is too personal) When did you first know you were a man? How would I know whether I am a man or a woman? Is there certain feelings attached or something else? I’d like to hear more about your experience if you’re willing to share. Either way, thanks for your time and have a great day!

Oh boy gender stuff! Good luck anon!

I'll do my best to describe what it was like for me, but everyone's different and I feel like I had kind of a non-standard story anyway, maybe? (feelings were weird bc.... autism? trauma? depression?? all of the above??) But everyone's different, anyways. Some people know as soon as they have a concept of gender as small kids and some people find out super late in life, I figured it out the year after I graduated college.

There isn't really a specific moment I can remember, it was just sort of... steadily going "huh. hm. I think maybe.... huh..." and doing research and thinking about it. A couple days at the very end of August were the tipping point and I was sure by September, which is sort of a personal holiday for me figuring it out. For quite a while but especially for the year previous to this I'd been figuring out that I liked my hair short, and that I liked wearing more masculine clothes (my homophobic mom several times accused me of being queer and I was like WTF NO LEAVE ME ALONE I'M CLEARLY A COMPLETELY CISHET GOOD CHRISTIAN WAMEN WHO IS NOT SLOWLY DEVELOPING A GENDER CRISIS lol.) You can see why the um environment in my family might have contributed to me... not wanting to/feeling allowed to explore this earlier idk.

I was unsure for basically the first year of knowing I was trans, because I have issues with doubting my perceptions easily, but I logiced my way through it and was like. Why would I -want- to alienate my family and complicate my whole life if this wasn't real, like why would I choose extra inconvenience for funsies?? I wouldn't. I've gotten a bit more sure about myself and able to trust my perceptions since then, but also relaxed on knowing the specifics of everything. I'm still figuring out my gender and sexuality on some level (I'm some type of aroace but what fine print and where on the spectrum? idk but I'm something. I'm transmasculine, am I Completely Binary 100% Full Gender Man Dude or more nonbinary/agender? idk, I do know that I want to transition, for now I just tell people I'm a trans man and it's close enough and feels right.)

Emotionally, it's weird. For me, I didn't... at least I didn't notice dysphoria, at first? Because that was the way I'd always been, it felt normal. But here's the thing, "normal" felt dull and dead and just sort of empty. Like I wasn't interested in being my gender I was just sort of going through the motions because it seemed like I was supposed to. The big difference for me was realizing that I wanted masculinity and that it made me feel good about my gender, something I had not felt before. Before it had always just been like "eh, sure, okay, I guess. I mean, there's not another option, right?" (There was.)

I guess when I figured it out there was just sort of a sense of, oh, okay. There's nothing to go back to, because that was all just a lot of -nothing-, and now I've figure out how to actually feel alive, gender-wise. Like I didn't feel there was an option to turn that awareness off.

I don't know, it's confusing trying to explain it. Feelings weird. I want to say "you'll just know" but I did get super anxious and psyche myself out going "but what if I'm just completely deranged and making this all up for some incomprehensible reason?? or what if I'm POSSESSED??" (true story.) so like, it uh, took me a while to Know(TM) myself.

It might be easier to put aside the "am I trans" question for a sec and think about specific things that you do know that you are or want. Like this page! also this, and @transgenderteensurvivalguide in general. They're a good source. and I really like youtuber Jammidodger. There's sometimes a disconnect between finding community online and in the real world though, what I found out is that there were a lot more queer people and a lot more resources in my area than I thought! I was able to get top surgery like right down the street, I had assumed I'd need to travel to another state. So try to figure out if there's a local LGBTQ+ organization of some kind, they might have more information for what's in your area. I'm on a weekly zoom call with other trans people in the community, it's open to gender-nonconforming and questioning people as well as trans allies. I think a lot of trans groups generally are open for you to just come hang out and talk to other people and see other people if you're questioning your gender, you don't have to have all the answers on day one.

I hope some of this helps, it's really only something you can figure out yourself but @transgenderteensurvivalguide is a good compilation of resources to help figure it out. Good luck anon! Take your time, try not to freak out too much, I love you!

[msykira-blog]

It's been a very long time since I write blogs. I used to really into talking about myself (in blogs) when I was in junior high school, and I loved myself back then.

Now that I'm older, I feel like I'm less myself than I was. I feel like I lost myself often. I used to knew what to do, what I want to be, and who I am. Now I change my mind often, really depending on my feelings. It feels like my mind and my heart can't cooporate each other, they say different things, and I often choose the voice of my heart (even if my mind knows it's wrong)

It has something to do with the 'New Year New Me', except for me more like 'New Year, trying to find myself back'

I hope if I start blogging again, expressing my feelings, my thoughts, my days, my moods, etc. I can care about myself more, loving myself more, just like I did when I was younger. I really need to find myself. I can't get lost any further.

I want to have dreams again, I used to dream big things. I want to have something that I love other than 'love' that I give (so much, maybe too much) in a relationship.

I want to always remind myself that there's A LOT of things that's more important than what I worry in mind. And I know that I can't change except I really put effort in it.

Love yourself, please

Okay, so for the first day. It's January 3rd and I was out of the office all day long. I went to a project meeting (my first, which I really enjoy)

I didn't know that I'd enjoy this project meeting since I got a headache when we started to make the budget plan of it before (because the shopdrawings were not complete and clear), but people that we're working with were kind, and they make it easier.

It's only 2,5months of my first job, I really want to give my best in everything I do. I learn A LOT here, my co-working are nice (they teach me things and really really nice) and my boss is really kind too. So I don't want to disappoint anyone. I try hard to be careful so I won't make mistake.

I applied and accepted as an Interior Designer, but I end up doing everything they told me to do (drafter, budget planner, supervisor, and some other stuffs, like a lot). I don't mind. I learn so much here, I love my job. And I think that's a good thing.

Anyway, I think I'm getting my wisdom teeth because it hurts so much. And I think the other teeth is hollowed (is it right?) cause it huts too.😕 And my throat also hurt, I think I'm getting inflamacy . I wish they'd all gone when I wake up in the morning (impossible)

I'm trying to eat healthy and be thrifty (wow new vocabulary) now, I eat oatmeals for breakfast and make brown rice for my lunch, and I think I'd have oatmeals in dinners too. It's beginning of month but my money is already really slight lol cause I spent a lot on new year (and 3days before it). Hahhhh I really hope I can be less lavish with my money. Okay I'll working for it. This is the last month I'm being lavish. Promise! I want to keep my money for my brother's college. He'll be in August, I want to help my parents.

Enough for today.

What I should be thankful today :

How lucky I am to be alive, have something to eat, and able to sleeping on a bed.