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thistlecatfics · 19 days ago

Note

Modern AU prank fic

[WIP tag game] ok this was a very cruel pick haha because for about a week in august I was absolutely obsessed with this idea and wrote 5k and began outlining and then... I completely dropped it. I'm imagining it would end up being like a 30-60k fic and maybe if I sign up for r/s big bang or something I'll finally be able to finish it. because I just reread everything I wrote and I love it a lot!

I thought up this fic when I was wrestling with what a really good modern AU prank could look like. and I was also on vacation with my family so that influenced the setting haha.

Basically the boys are at an american boarding school, and remus is chronically ill and takes a lot of medication, which he's supposed to have registered with the school nurse, but it's such a pain, and it's just easier for him to keep it in his room.

sirius crushes up some of that medication and puts it in snape's food.

[sirius does this because snape was making fun of peter and saying that he had an eating disorder and sirius knew the meds made remus nauseous so his idea was that they'd make snape throw up. wrong. sirius is an idiot teenager.]

in the aftermath, sirius is whisked away by his parents and is briefly suspended but not put on his record. remus is almost expelled. they have one final confrontation at the end of the year.

the main fic would take place in james's family's house in nantucket where the summer after their freshman year of college he invites them all back (though of course neither sirius nor remus know the other is coming.)

here's most of what I've written:

The shame of having his parents be on his side. Suspended for a week, something very small, facing disciplinary charges. Convinced him not to file criminal charges. Parents muddy the waters, blame remus.

“You’re not angry?”

Someone with a shred of self-preservation would be angry. The feeling seemed to exist beyond him. He could sense the outline of anger somewhere far away, and he could almost imagine what it might look like if he let himself approach it. Almost.

[they go back to normal]

[end of term party - remus gets drunk, finally lets his anger out at sirius. Sirius freezes - it’s like my parents. Remus really loses it. Next morning, I don’t think I can do this. You’re never going to get it. I was a risk to your future and your parents almost got me expelled. What do you think they’d do if they found out we were fucking? You can’t have both, and I’m not arrogant enough to think you’d ever pick me.

But I would pick you.

Remus’s breath catches. See you say things like that, and I believe you for a second, and then I take a step back and see reality. You’ve always been too good at saying the right thing, and I’ve always been too good at believing it.

]

[james invites them both and lies about it. Summer beach house.

–

“Remus, are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Remus shouted over the boy band pop playing on the speakers.

“No, you’re not. C’mon, let’s go outside.”

“I said I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not. You’re taking shots with some girl from Choate.”

“Oh, are you jealous?”

“I’m not jealous. I’m worried. You don’t drink.”

Remus laughed. “Only Sirius Black gets to drink alcohol. Poor, sweet little fragile Remus must be protected from the devil’s liquor.”

“Just come outside with me. You hate the noise.”

“You have no idea what I like and don’t like.”

“Yes, I do.”

Sirius reached for his arm, and Remus pulled away and stumbled back, knocking some half filled cups over onto the tile. He overcorrected and ended up falling into Sirius, his skin flushing with anger and desire. He locked eyes with Sirius, unsure if he wanted to kiss him or hit him, only sure that the urge itself was a violent one.

“Wait, Remus, are you high?”

Remus just smiled at that, at how much it clearly bothered Sirius, the hypocrite.

“Did someone give you coke?” Remus smiled more at the horror in Sirius’s expression. “That’s so fucking dangerous for you.”

“Since when do you care about what’s dangerous for me?”

“Who the fuck gave it to you? Rosier? I’m going to fucking kill him.”

Sirius turned away from Remus, searching for where Rosier and his friends might be. He spotted them outside by the pool and he immediately began walking but Remus followed, almost slipping on where the drinks had been spilled but holding onto Sirius, who let him.

“A second attempted murder on my behalf, thank you so much Sirius Orion Black,” Remus shouted into his ear as they walked outside. “Are you going to let me take the fall for this one too?”

Sirius froze.

They were outside now; the music was quieter. Remus’s skin buzzed.

“I thought you weren’t mad about that,” Sirius said, turning back towards Remus.

“I lied.”

“Can we not do this here?”

“Why not? I thought you loved being the center of attention.”

“Remus, please.”

“No, we’re going to finally do this on my terms not yours. Not everything revolves around what Sirius Black fucking wants every second of the day. I was almost expelled. You almost got me expelled. If Dumbledore hadn’t intervened on my behalf, then the board would have been happy to just get rid of me. If he had died, I could have faced criminal charges. Not you though, not Sirius Orion Black. Your parents arrived and whisked you away while they fixed your mess so you could return just like nothing ever happened, and Yale would never have to know. You love to talk about how terrible your parents are and how you’re nothing at all like them, but you’re ready to roll over and let their money fix your problems. You’re exactly like them.”

He spat out the last line, and Sirius recoiled like he had been slapped. His posture changed, straight backed but head bowed and looking anyway but Remus’s face.

“You said you weren’t mad.” Sirius’s voice had taken on a childlike tone, and Remus hated it, hated all the self-pity Sirius could muster, and how Remus fell for it every single time.

“And you were so stupid, so pathetically arrogant as to believe me.”

“I didn’t know – about you almost being expelled.”

“You never bothered to ask.”

They stared at each other, skin strangely blue in the glow of the pool lights. The buzzing under Remus’s skin was softening, anger having been expunged from his body. He still felt energized, like he could have shouted at Sirius for another hour, but he could feel the press of exhaustion underneath.

“Guys, what are you doing?”

Remus turned to see James and Peter hurrying together towards them. James had a smudge of dark lipstick on his cheek, and his hair was even more wild than usual.

“Peter said you were fighting,” James said, coming to stand between them.

Had he and Lily Evans finally kissed? The lipstick looked like hers. Remus felt a surge of guilt that he and Sirius had managed to interrupt that, even by accident. Peter looked guilty, eyes darting between the three of them.

“We’re fine, James. You can go back to making out with Lily,” said Sirius, evidently coming to the same conclusion as Remus had.

“I was just saying goodbye. I’m going to head out.”

“I’ll drive you,” Sirius said automatically.

Remus let out a bitter laugh. “I’ll walk.”

“Absolutely not. One of Lily’s friends was heading out soon. She can drive you.”

The buzzing under Remus’s skin had returned, somehow combined with the impending exhaustion. He had a vision of car accidents and teenage drunk drinking and found himself both afraid and unable to care. “Fine.”

—

Beep

“Hey Remus. Did you make it home alright? Sirius and Peter are here and still asleep. Last night got crazy after you left. Sirius ended up in a fight with Rosier, and I think he might have broken Rosier’s nose, which will maybe improve his looks, and then Peter and Marlene both threw up in the pool like it was contagious or something. Peter sympathy pukes which you know. How are you feeling today? Give me a call when you get a chance or else I’ll worry.”

Beep

“Hey Remus. Sirius told me a little of what happened last night, and… yeah. Are you ok? Did you get my first voicemail? If Lily’s friend kidnapped you, I’ll never forgive her. I promise. Give me a call back.”

Beep

“Remus, if you don’t call me back and let me know you’re alright, I’m going to call your home line and leave a message with your dad, and then I’m going to start calling hospitals.”

Beep

Finally, at the third message, Remus groaned and reached over for the phone, twisting the cord around his fingers like his mom used to.

Don’t pick up, don’t pick up, don’t pick up, Remus begged to himself.

“Hello?” James said.

“It’s Remus.”

“You’re alive! I should have insisted you come home with us. How are you feeling? Do you, uh, want to come over later for dinner? One of us can drive and pick you up?”

“I’m fine, just tired. No sorry, just wanted to let you know I was alive.”

“I think Sirius wants to talk to you –”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Just wanted to let you know I was alive. Bye James.”

Remus’s next call was to the airline.

“My flight to Edinburgh in a month. How much would it cost to move it up? … Any time really. Tomorrow?”

August 1998

As Remus looked at the other passengers at his gate, he knew he was making a mistake. He shouldn’t have let James invite him. He certainly shouldn’t have let James pay for his ticket.

James had insisted it would be quiet and peaceful and he could read on the beach, and he needed warmth and sea air, and he was pre-med now so he would know.

Part 2 outline:

Remus arriving, James is so excited to pick him up at the airport, arriving early, they’re still asleep, funky old range rover

Arrives at the house

House in sconset - charming, house on the bluffs, sure why not - looking out over a cliff to the sea

Seems unnecessarily large to remus, same shingles as every other house

Interior is very white and cream and shells - except the jacket

Sees leather jacket on the railing - initially is like James? Peter?

“Are you wearing leather jackets now? Is that a new way to impress Lily?”

The black of the jacket seemed so out of place with the cool white and blue tones of the rest of the house.

“Er – I do have something to tell you.”

“James, you don’t need my permission to steal Sirius’s style.” He looked at the jacket again, not just as an aberration in the space but as a long familiar object. “Wait, is that?”

At that moment, a figure emerged from the top of the stairs, and the shell slipped from Remus’s fingers.

“Hello, Remus,” Sirius said. He wore a black t-shirt, dark gray boxers, an insufferably bemused expression, and nothing else. He stayed at the top of the stairs and didn’t make a move to come down.

Remus’s heart threatened to break out of his chest. “James,” he said, his voice low. “You specifically said he wouldn’t be here.”

James, at least, had the decency to look embarrassed. He grinned awkwardly, refusing to meet Remus’s eyes, and pressed his hair back until it stuck straight up in parts.

Sirius, however, continued to look at him. “James knew you wouldn’t come if you knew I was here.”

“He was right,” Remus said with all the coolness he could muster, which he was afraid wasn’t much. He wanted to turn around, steal James’s car, and get on the next flight off the island. He’d swim if he had to.

Sirius finally descended the stairs.

“I’ll take your bag up,” he said, reaching for it.

“No, I can take it,” James interrupted, finally coming back from his moment of panic, of realizing the consequences of his own damn actions.

“No, I can carry my own bag,” Remus snapped.

Sirius raised both his hands in apology. “Alright, but I’ll show you to your room. You’re sharing the bunk beds with Peter.”

Remus picked up his bag. It was genuinely heavy. He probably should have let Sirius carry it for him. He owed him that much.

Sirius looped up the stairs while Remus took awkward steps, pulled to one side by the bag that seemed to have gotten heavier since he had arrived or maybe the presence of Sirius had just knocked all the air out of him.

James had explicitly said that Sirius was coming earlier and that he wouldn’t have to deal with him.

Though, as the memory struck him with every awkward step and scratch of canvas against his side, James had said Sirius was going to visit him, but earlier. Meaning, his flight would get in earlier. He had not specified that Sirius was leaving earlier. And he hadn’t said that Remus wouldn’t have to deal with him. Just that he wouldn’t expect Remus to room with him. And it was on Remus for assuming there weren’t six bedrooms in this house, just like it was on Remus to assume that Sirius wouldn’t spend the entire summer here with James not working. Just like it was on Remus to stupidly trust James again when he knew he would always, always side with Sirius.

“James is in here,” Sirius said, gesturing to the bedroom on his right. “I’m in the guest bed here,” he said gesturing to his left as he walked down. “And then you two are in the kids’ room – sorry – in here. You can take the Potters’ bedroom, which is very nice since they’re not going to be here this week, but I find it a little awkward to sleep in their bed, and I figured you’d rather share a bunk bed with Peter than sleep in James’s parents’ bed.”

Sirius smiled at that as he looked back at Remus, and Remus resolutely did not smile back and took a moment of spiteful satisfaction when the smile disappeared.

“Peter’s still asleep I think so just be quiet when you go in or you can just leave your stuff outside the room until he comes out.”

They stood very close to each other in the narrow hallway, the door to the bedroom closed. Remus finally dropped his bag to the ground, feeling very conscious of his breathing, and this new unfamiliar sea salt smell of Sirius.

Finally, Remus spoke. “I’m still angry with you.”

“I figured,” Sirius replied, his expression flashing unreadable before settling on the relaxed expression he had worn when he first showed himself to Remus. He turned around and began walking down the hallway before saying back. “James will be making breakfast downstairs. Come down if you want any.”

Remus waited until he heard Sirius descend the stairs before finding the shared bathroom to wash his face.

He had been awake since four in the morning. That alone should make him want to sink into a bed and stay there until dark. Combine that with the presence of Sirius Black and the fact that James hadn’t even warned him? He was ready to sink into the sea instead.

Still, he turned off the sink, leaving Peter undisturbed, and walked down the steps slowly, near the wall. A terrible, hypervigilant, nonsense habit. But if he ever had the opportunity to hear what others were saying before he entered a strange room, and every room in this house felt strange, and any island he had to share with Sirius would feel strange, he would want to take it.

“James, I can’t believe you didn’t tell him – at least on the drive back from the airport!”

“It’s like a twenty minute drive, and I wanted to know how his flight was, how his year was!”

“You just didn’t want to hurt him.”

“Well!” James exclaimed, some sort of expression that seemed to mean “Yes, but what else could you expect me to do?” He continued, “You seem calm about the whole thing.”

“I’m not,” Sirius said with finality, as if that was a huge declaration of emotion.

“Sirius –”

“He and I can just avoid each other. It’s fine. You tried. He’s still mad. I’m still –”

Remus didn’t get a chance to hear what Remus still was because Peter had woken and had come down the stairs for breakfast.

“Moony! You’re here!”

He let Peter embrace him. Peter still felt familiar: a solid, genuine hug, and the smell of the same deodorant he’d worn since the ninth grade.

They lingered in the hug. Remus hadn’t realized how much he needed touch that felt familiar. Peter whispered, “Were you listening to them?”

Remus smiled and nodded.

“I listen to them too sometimes when they think I’m asleep,” Peter admitted, and it was like they were fourteen again, bonding over the strange confusion and fascination with James-and-Sirius.

“I’m making scrambled eggs,” James called out.

“Come on, Remus,” Peter said, pulling him towards the kitchen.

“James can cook now?”

Peter laughed. “Wait until you see what other skills he learned in the past year.”

Finally it was just Remus and Sirius sitting outside. Remus wanted to escape and even made a move to, but the adirondack chair seemed to have swallowed him, and he couldn’t figure out how to get up without making a massive show of it, which seemed worse than staying. He could pretend to be cool. Sirius was pretending, and knowing Sirius was pretending too made it easier.

They could try to be normal with each other for James and Peter.

“How’s your dad?” Sirius asked into the silence.

Remus kept his gaze on the horizon. “He’s working again.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“Yeah, it’s good.”

If he wasn’t the one sitting through it, Remus would have laughed at their stubborn awkwardness. If he were watching two men talk like this with Lily, she would make a joke about men’s inability to talk about their feelings, and he would laugh, like he was in on it.

After too long had passed for it to feel natural, Remus asked, “And how’s Regulus?”

Now, a group of women came up along the walking path chatting. They fell silent as the women passed on the other side of the low hedges. Sirius waved, and the women waved back.

Remus supposed he should have waved too, but one could only survive so much impossibly awkward social interaction at any one time. Well, he supposed one could if he were Sirius.

He reminded himself of what he heard Sirius say to James. Sirius wasn’t calm.

“He might make the Olympic team actually. He has a real shot at it.”

“In… equestrian-ism?” Remus asked.

“Equestrian, yeah.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“Yeah.”

“And your parents?”

“They’re in good health.”

“That’s…” Remus paused, regretting having asked. Had he imagined the tightness in Sirius’s words as he spoke them? Sirius’s parents loomed over him, over both of them, really.

Remus dug his feet into the grass. He still hadn’t offered an adjective to describe the fact that Sirius’s parents were in good health. He racked his mind for one and came up empty.

He glanced over at Sirius who was tapping down the butt of his cigarette into the ashtray between them.

“Sounds about right,” Sirius said as he glanced up at Remus and smiled. Weakly. But smiled.

Remus gave him a faint smile back, hating himself for how easy it felt. How it felt like more work to contain it than to create it. He took another drag of his cigarette and looked away.

“Remus, I can’t believe you took up smoking too!” James exclaimed as he bounded out of the house behind them.

Remus tried to turn around to him but was one again foiled by the seat depth of the adirondack.

“I was in Scotland.”

“Do they not have lung cancer in Scotland?”

“Nah, too cold,” Sirius interjected. “You’ll learn, Prongs, when you go to med school.”

He, by contrast, seemed to have no issue with his chair and bounded out. “Alright, beach in twenty?”

Remus stubbed his cigarette out. James was right.

Plus, if anything, he and Sirius were the only two smokers in the group, and avoiding any more time with Sirius was worth it. He would quit. Or cut back. Realistically, using Sirius as an antismoking device would work. It would.

Remus let James pull him out of the chair.

“Was he just trying to be funny or are you planning on med school?”

“Ah, yeah,” James said as he pushed his hair back, as if this was something to be embarrassed about. “Went premed. Survived the intro courses. Orgo this fall though. We’ll see about that one.”

The two of them walked inside, and Remus helped James grab beach towels from the laundry room.

“I thought you said you couldn’t imagine following your mom into a career that involved studying for decades just to look at eyeballs all day? And that going to business school was a way easier way to make way more money and actually have a life?”

“I’m not going to be an ophthalmologist – I know that much.”

“Never say never.”

“Absolutely not,” James said as he slowed his pace down the stairs to ensure Remus could stay with him.

“What changed your mind?”

James paused.

“Well, I decided to get trained in CPR after we graduated, and then I ended up as a lifeguard, and maybe I like the idea of saving lives more than just selling people stuff, as it turns out. And not all medicine is eyeballs.”

“What made you get trained in CPR?” Remus asked. By the time he finished the sentence he feared the answer. He knew.

James’s voice took a slightly higher pitch, even as his tone stayed light. “It was because of the Snape prank that spring.”

Remus felt his ears ringing.

James continued, “I wanted to know how to save him.”

“You were the one who did,” Remus said softly. They had reached the beach.

“I ran fast enough to get help,” James said, taking off his flip flops to walk barefoot in the sand. “I wanted to be the one to save him.”

Remus stayed at the edge of the beach, just steps away from the wooden stairs. His heart pounded from more than just the descent. “I think I’ll go back.”

“No, absolutely not,” James insisted. “You didn’t want to talk about it, and I’m sorry for bringing it up. Let’s forget it.”

The repetition of “it” echoed in Remus’s mind. He had tagged the events as “it” in his mind too or “Sirius’s prank,” if he felt comfortable enough to remember more. If he felt comfortable enough to think about Sirius’s name.

“I won’t even make a comment if you smoke a cigarette on the beach. Ok, I’ll make one. But only one! How can you turn down that offer?”

James’s pleading smile hurt to see. He so wanted things to be normal again. Remus didn’t know how to make him understand that it was impossible.

Still, the stairs behind him loomed impossibly steep and long, and the descent was hard enough. He was already here. The sand was warm, the water looked beautiful, and he carried a book, good enough to ignore any Sirius-involved conversation around him.

Remus bent down to take off his shoes, and he could feel the intensity of James’s grin.

Bonus: my pinterest board for this fic (I was really obsessed for that week in August!)

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damistrolls · 1 year ago

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helo science time sorry im late !! !

this is hisset and he works with my mercenary team, direwolf! he patches their wounds and keeps them healthy and does all that other good medical shit. but he ALSO has a passion for mycology and half of his lab is dedicated to his fucked up fungi experiments. u see, he really wants to communicate with fungi, and maybe even become part of the mycelium network (without sacrificing his mind and/or body if he can help it)

we all know this freak. he makes zombies for the fleet basically and is VERY curious abt life and death <3 hes a bit of a sadist and a freak. dont go near him if u value ur life. though, i hear he's a fun lunch date

nessic is a dentist! that counts as being sciencey to me. he's lowkey (highkey) got an obsession with perfect teeth. his more normal interests are documentaries, nonfiction books, and scale model vehicles

doktor counts as a scientist! ... sorta! he has his own apothecary that, yes, carries regular brand name drugs, but it also has his own concoctions and remedies. they work pretty well actually, since they're well-researched :] he's more well-meaning than he looks

lovira's a doctor! that's sciencey! they specifically are a horn doctor, and a slightly famous one at that. theyve got a good, popular practice going yknow? they help ppl with infected horns, or ones that r growing in a way that's painful or dangerous or just inconvenient :] they also like fashion and hanging out with their sibling

if im counting lovira i have 2 count my other doctors so umm!!! kari's a therapist! that counts probably? even tho theyre not super sciencey abt it,, they really like musicals and reading and birdwatching

also august! hes a fleet doctor and vernon's ancestor. he's mainly a surgeon (and was actually a field surgeon/combat medic for a time) but he can sometimes act like a general doc for ppl on the ripmaw. he'd rather know ur taken care of, yknow? he doesnt much care for the fleet, but he feels like he's got a responsibility here

kitsui works at ancr as a behavioral researcher! he's a weirdo but hes actually good at his job and pretty well-meaning too! silly guy. funny goober who loves his mom <3 he legitimately has a lot of interest in behavioral research too, he loooves learning how ppl and animals tick

dansoz is an evolutionary biologist (dont check his credentials) who has an interest in speculative evolution and macro mutations! he's gathering as much information as he can about mutations so he can eventually educate the masses and hopefully combat all that pesky anti-mutation propaganda. he's a bit morally dubious though, so we should be glad he's small, weak, and has no scary powers

hertzl is both a science project himself and also a scientist! he doesn't exactly have a degree, but he did study plenty on his own accord, and he worked at a radiation lab for a time before it uh. kind of exploded. it might have been because of him, but it wasn't his fault, i promise, hes a good boy who loves reading, plushies, and cute animals

jim is a computer science professor, and he does a lot of the techy kinda stuff at his college. that counts, right? fun fact, when he was younger, he used to be in a band! he can still play bass pretty damn well, but he'd claim he's out of practice. he's a really chill guy, ends up being like a father figure to ppl in his class all the time

nazkoi is a virologist! i unfortunately dont have a lot of info about him yet, but i'll figure out what to do with him soon

euktis is a fleet botanist who intends to create a faster and easier way to farm alternian crops on alternian colony planets, even the ones inhospitable to plantlife. he's actually fairly close to completing his goal. he also enjoys playing

donvan's also a science guy! he makes chemical weapons for the fleet. he's kind of a huge heartless bitch who's very cold to people's suffering. i dont think he has any likes, but he has plenty of dislikes, such as: everyone, everywhere, and everything. there's no pleasing this guy. but he seems least upset when left alone to his work

wow never heard of this guy before. pet ass y? dont think a character with that name exists.

jokes aside, petasi's one of the smartest characters on my blog fr. he can figure just about anything out. he's a doctor, yeah, but that title honestly isnt doing him justice. just from the medical side of things, he's dabbled in several different disciplines, but he's also studied some robotics/cybernetics stuff, and a bit of psych. u already know basically everything i could say abt him

hollic is a roboticist! he makes bots for the fleet, but in his spare time, he likes finding parts from older models and putting them together. he loves a retro robot, u see <3 he also really likes greasy food, and could probably tear through 4 burgers in one sitting if left unsupervised

aom is an inventor! and by that i mean, he likes to try to build crazy new things that usually end up exploding. he's not a troll, but rather, a xuma on alternia! he's very outgoing and talkative, and loves learning new things. just try not to stick around when he's testing his inventions

walt is ALSO an inventor, in a sense. or maybe an innovator is a better word for it? i can't say too much here without spoiling things, but he would have done GREAT things on earth had it not been for his... predicament. a shame, really

uhm hello i am sick but you know what would make me soo happy?

if you reblogged this post and showed me some of your sciencey trolls! (ethical or otherwise) and told me a little bit about them.. seeing them is nice but i’d also like to know what they get up to…

#OH I NEVER PRESSED POST........ OOPS #just had it sitting in my drafts lmao #ooc

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trifoliate-undergrowth · 3 years ago

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(Please ignore this if it is too personal) When did you first know you were a man? How would I know whether I am a man or a woman? Is there certain feelings attached or something else? I’d like to hear more about your experience if you’re willing to share. Either way, thanks for your time and have a great day!

Oh boy gender stuff! Good luck anon!

I'll do my best to describe what it was like for me, but everyone's different and I feel like I had kind of a non-standard story anyway, maybe? (feelings were weird bc.... autism? trauma? depression?? all of the above??) But everyone's different, anyways. Some people know as soon as they have a concept of gender as small kids and some people find out super late in life, I figured it out the year after I graduated college.

There isn't really a specific moment I can remember, it was just sort of... steadily going "huh. hm. I think maybe.... huh..." and doing research and thinking about it. A couple days at the very end of August were the tipping point and I was sure by September, which is sort of a personal holiday for me figuring it out. For quite a while but especially for the year previous to this I'd been figuring out that I liked my hair short, and that I liked wearing more masculine clothes (my homophobic mom several times accused me of being queer and I was like WTF NO LEAVE ME ALONE I'M CLEARLY A COMPLETELY CISHET GOOD CHRISTIAN WAMEN WHO IS NOT SLOWLY DEVELOPING A GENDER CRISIS lol.) You can see why the um environment in my family might have contributed to me... not wanting to/feeling allowed to explore this earlier idk.

I was unsure for basically the first year of knowing I was trans, because I have issues with doubting my perceptions easily, but I logiced my way through it and was like. Why would I -want- to alienate my family and complicate my whole life if this wasn't real, like why would I choose extra inconvenience for funsies?? I wouldn't. I've gotten a bit more sure about myself and able to trust my perceptions since then, but also relaxed on knowing the specifics of everything. I'm still figuring out my gender and sexuality on some level (I'm some type of aroace but what fine print and where on the spectrum? idk but I'm something. I'm transmasculine, am I Completely Binary 100% Full Gender Man Dude or more nonbinary/agender? idk, I do know that I want to transition, for now I just tell people I'm a trans man and it's close enough and feels right.)

Emotionally, it's weird. For me, I didn't... at least I didn't notice dysphoria, at first? Because that was the way I'd always been, it felt normal. But here's the thing, "normal" felt dull and dead and just sort of empty. Like I wasn't interested in being my gender I was just sort of going through the motions because it seemed like I was supposed to. The big difference for me was realizing that I wanted masculinity and that it made me feel good about my gender, something I had not felt before. Before it had always just been like "eh, sure, okay, I guess. I mean, there's not another option, right?" (There was.)

I guess when I figured it out there was just sort of a sense of, oh, okay. There's nothing to go back to, because that was all just a lot of -nothing-, and now I've figure out how to actually feel alive, gender-wise. Like I didn't feel there was an option to turn that awareness off.

I don't know, it's confusing trying to explain it. Feelings weird. I want to say "you'll just know" but I did get super anxious and psyche myself out going "but what if I'm just completely deranged and making this all up for some incomprehensible reason?? or what if I'm POSSESSED??" (true story.) so like, it uh, took me a while to Know(TM) myself.

It might be easier to put aside the "am I trans" question for a sec and think about specific things that you do know that you are or want. Like this page! also this, and @transgenderteensurvivalguide in general. They're a good source. and I really like youtuber Jammidodger. There's sometimes a disconnect between finding community online and in the real world though, what I found out is that there were a lot more queer people and a lot more resources in my area than I thought! I was able to get top surgery like right down the street, I had assumed I'd need to travel to another state. So try to figure out if there's a local LGBTQ+ organization of some kind, they might have more information for what's in your area. I'm on a weekly zoom call with other trans people in the community, it's open to gender-nonconforming and questioning people as well as trans allies. I think a lot of trans groups generally are open for you to just come hang out and talk to other people and see other people if you're questioning your gender, you don't have to have all the answers on day one.

I hope some of this helps, it's really only something you can figure out yourself but @transgenderteensurvivalguide is a good compilation of resources to help figure it out. Good luck anon! Take your time, try not to freak out too much, I love you!

#what to tag as #anonymous asks #trans #personal (ok to rb)#long post sorta #anon... anon me so I know you saw this... I don't think it notifies you when an anonymous ask is answered and I didn't answer it quickly bc #work

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msykira-blog · 6 years ago

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It's been a very long time since I write blogs. I used to really into talking about myself (in blogs) when I was in junior high school, and I loved myself back then.

Now that I'm older, I feel like I'm less myself than I was. I feel like I lost myself often. I used to knew what to do, what I want to be, and who I am. Now I change my mind often, really depending on my feelings. It feels like my mind and my heart can't cooporate each other, they say different things, and I often choose the voice of my heart (even if my mind knows it's wrong)

It has something to do with the 'New Year New Me', except for me more like 'New Year, trying to find myself back'

I hope if I start blogging again, expressing my feelings, my thoughts, my days, my moods, etc. I can care about myself more, loving myself more, just like I did when I was younger. I really need to find myself. I can't get lost any further.

I want to have dreams again, I used to dream big things. I want to have something that I love other than 'love' that I give (so much, maybe too much) in a relationship.

I want to always remind myself that there's A LOT of things that's more important than what I worry in mind. And I know that I can't change except I really put effort in it.

Love yourself, please

Okay, so for the first day. It's January 3rd and I was out of the office all day long. I went to a project meeting (my first, which I really enjoy)

I didn't know that I'd enjoy this project meeting since I got a headache when we started to make the budget plan of it before (because the shopdrawings were not complete and clear), but people that we're working with were kind, and they make it easier.

It's only 2,5months of my first job, I really want to give my best in everything I do. I learn A LOT here, my co-working are nice (they teach me things and really really nice) and my boss is really kind too. So I don't want to disappoint anyone. I try hard to be careful so I won't make mistake.

I applied and accepted as an Interior Designer, but I end up doing everything they told me to do (drafter, budget planner, supervisor, and some other stuffs, like a lot). I don't mind. I learn so much here, I love my job. And I think that's a good thing.

Anyway, I think I'm getting my wisdom teeth because it hurts so much. And I think the other teeth is hollowed (is it right?) cause it huts too.😕 And my throat also hurt, I think I'm getting inflamacy . I wish they'd all gone when I wake up in the morning (impossible)

I'm trying to eat healthy and be thrifty (wow new vocabulary) now, I eat oatmeals for breakfast and make brown rice for my lunch, and I think I'd have oatmeals in dinners too. It's beginning of month but my money is already really slight lol cause I spent a lot on new year (and 3days before it). Hahhhh I really hope I can be less lavish with my money. Okay I'll working for it. This is the last month I'm being lavish. Promise! I want to keep my money for my brother's college. He'll be in August, I want to help my parents.

Enough for today.

What I should be thankful today :

How lucky I am to be alive, have something to eat, and able to sleeping on a bed.

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sunkissedchldrecon · 3 years ago

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this is such a cool concept for a tag game!! i'm excited!

January - Eight of Pentacles (Rx)

i may be impatient about the changes i want for this year (which already makes sense lmao). i may also be in a perfectionist mindset while also not wanting to put in the work.

February - The Hierophant (Rx)

i may have a good undertanding where i want to go and what i want to do. my beliefs may come into agreement with someone else or vice versa (i think the person may be my parents, just intuitively). also going my own way with my own values since it's in reverse.

March - King of Wands

i may stand out more i'll be more of a go-getter about my goals and wants. people may see this and find me charasmatic and might want to be my friend! following through with intentions. i feel like March will be busy.

April - The Lovers

going along with March, someone may make advances towards me? o.0 this could be romantic or friendly. April will probably be an upgraded version of March. my relationships may be even more harminious, and i might feel even more confident in myself and my decisions. i may be in alignment during this time.

May - Seven of Wands

competition may come in. i may waver a little in my beliefs and goals. this will be the testing period for me; i'll have to make an effort to fully go for whatever it is i want and perservere through the harder times, but it won't be dramatically horrible or anything - i just have to remain focused and firm in my thoughts instead of wavering.

June - Four of Cups

this will be a time of introspection and reflection. i'll be questioning whether or not what i'm doing or working towards is what a really want. i may have to work more on my alignment during this time. i may just feel like life is stale and boring despite all that i've been given (probably the sagittarius and 5th house stellium of mine feeling restless).

July - Two of Pentacles

i'll probably be re-organizing my life to an extent lol. i'll be deciding what is most important to me and prioritizing certain emotions, people, hobbies, etc. i might have to balance between a relationship and a job?

August - Three of Cups

celebration time! i'll be a junior around this time, so celebrating the last few legs of my college career? there's an emphasis on community celebration, so maybe i'll gin more friends or at least celebrate with them. it'll be easier to balance work and relationships this month in comparison to July.

September - King of Swords

i'll be in work mode for school. a major focus on studying and not stressing about the school year.

October - Three of Pentacles

i might have a group project? anyways, collaborations are happening, and i'll have to learn how to pull my weight while also working with other people. an emphasis on teamwork and trusting others to do their half.

November - Death (Rx)

i may be more tired during this time. maybe i need to change some habits, but i really don't want to because things have been working so well, so why don't they work as well now? i may burn myself out in November.

December - Temperance (Rx)

the cracks from July will come back to bite in a sense lol. maybe i don't fully work out my priorities because things settled down in August, but problems that aren't fully dealt with will always come back around. i may still be burnt out and speaning more.

tagging: @dorkgelic, @faiirina, @eunoiatarot, @k-rising, @le-nora, @sweetsop, @the-cosmic-gentle-giant, @vicxy, @yashashveeroy

𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐓 𝐒𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃 (𝐭𝐚𝐠 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞?)

It's her birthday!!

and i literally just fund out anyways i love her so much and this is me trying to get your attention lol.

So i pulled a tarot card for myself (which i rarely do, it's difficult for me to read to myself :/) for each month of 2022 to see how it'll go, and here it is!!!

𝑱𝒂𝒏𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒚 - 𝟑 𝐨𝐟 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

so what I am getting ? is that January is a time of introspection and looking inwards more than anything, time to think instead of doing lol, don't jump to things either

𝑭𝒆𝒃𝒓𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒚 - 𝟔 𝐨𝐟 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬

victory!! getting out of a lump or starting planning something, moving slowly but surely into something new that'll give me some sort of emotional or financial fulfilment, it can also be getting the recognition i deserve 😌

𝑴𝒂𝒓𝒄𝒉 - 𝟖 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐮𝐩𝐬

so for the month of march (my birthday month, horrible) i will be chosing to leave something behind after a long time, big moving on energy and i think it emphasized Aries energy of new things and new energies, entering a new stage of my life without old baggage

𝑨𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒍 - 𝟖 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

for April something is going to be revealed, i know it is mostly letting go of a victim mentality, but i feel like something is coming out to the light in April that will be eye-opening and it will change a lot of my perspective, helping with the moving on part, maybe a deceitful person showing themselves? there's going to be much tea on April let me tell you

𝑴𝒂𝒚 - 𝟕 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

okaayyy, so for the month of May I'll be moving away from a toxic person or a manipulative person, i feel like this is connected all the way back to march and maybe i will be moving out? Or i will be block/ignore a person that has been very manipulative, either way this feels like moving from toxic environments to me

𝑱𝒖𝒏𝒆 - 𝟗 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐮𝐩𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

so the month of June will be one of introspection again, I'll be asking myself what is it that i want in life and what kind of job do i want, I'll probably get a lot of the things i always wanted (yay) but will still feel unsatisfied on the inside (aw man) so in the month i will be thinking about my options and what do i want and how do I want to make money, more than anything

𝑱𝒖𝒍𝒚 - 𝟓 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

this card can be directly linked to the card I got from June, in the month of July i will making amends with someone and learning to forgive, leave the past behind, could be a person but i feel this is with myself more than anything, learning to forgive myself for my mistakes? uff

𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕 - 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐢𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭

yaaassss, what i get from this is that the month of August will be really good for me to improve my intuition and i will fully get into spirituality and learning new forms of divination? Probably buying more cards that i feel more comfortable with and doing my readings better, if that's the case, i will be spending money on things like cards and candles and crystals and such!!!

𝑺𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 - 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

aaah, for the month of September i will be more social or more out there, i will go out more or spend less time alone as i am used to being alone all the time lol, i will be hanging out in groups or working in group so i will be around people a lot, mmmm i don't know how to feel i already have covid i don't want to have it a second time and people :// anywaysss

𝑶𝒄𝒕𝒖𝒃𝒆𝒓 - 𝟔 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐮𝐩𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐝

for the month of October there's an emphasis on LEAVING jsskjs, like if this was somebody else's reading I'd say they will be moving out of their home by October, however is me and i don't have that kind of money, so i believe it's more of detaching from the expectations family puts and becoming more of my own person outside them, it's something a lot more personal than moving our but oh god i wish I would just leave lol

𝑵𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 - 𝟐 𝐨𝐟 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬

OKAY? planning, making decisions and leaving home 👹 for the beautiful extraordinary month of November i will be making plans to move out or travel somewhere possibly out of the country, mm i know where this is going, I could be traveling a lot this November so.... Maybe I'll meet a special someone 😎😎 (she knows who she is)

𝑫𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 - 𝐏𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬

the last month of 2022 and it's all about not wasting time on ideas and plans that will go nowhere, in December i will have to put my mind and focus into one singular thing for it to succeed, how dare you ask someone with adhd something like that? Anywho, if i try to make too many things all at once i will get none done so i beg the me of December 2022 to focus on just ONE THING

i wasn't even going to make it a tag game but i will now, PLS REBLOG THIS WITH YOUR YEARLY TAROT SPREAD 😊😊😊

I'm tagging everyone i know until somebody feels bad for me and does this too; @ukiyowi @ukiyowi-main @universalcrush just to be sure, @cancerfairy @acaplion @the-falling-star @astrofangs @royaleofury @marklovin @luminarin @sunkissedchld @sxorpiomooon @tulipsrosemaryandthyme @nooramoontarot @guxciestone @intuitive-bbloom @pbmoure @notanastrologer @sunball

Just to be clear you can STILL do this if I haven't tagged you because i always want to do tag games but I'm never tagged jskjs JUST DO IT. I WANNA SEE WHAT YOU GOT 🙈

goodbye

#moots <3

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