#but the fact that swimming means having your body exposed and people fucking hate fat people didn't make me do it

[officialkendallroy]

instead of actually doing something i will rot away the entire day in my bed thinking about the thing i wanna do and then be upset because i didn't do it and just wasted another day

[auroraphilealis]

Worth the Wait

Worth the Wait | It’s 2009, and Dan and Phil have been skyping for months. Dan’s the first one to bring up soulmates. In this world, the first place soulmates touch, a tattoo appears unique to them, and occasionally showing up in slightly different places on each other’s bodies, but the same nonetheless. Dan’s pretty sure Phil’s his soulmate, even though they haven’t met in person yet, haven’t had the chance to touch and see, and he wants to know if Phil’s feeling the same way. | Phan | PG-13 | Dorky references to Schrodinger's Cat, 2009, Soulmate AU, actual Dan and Phil tweets, mild sexual joking, Fluff, Getting Together, | 12,283 Words

Huge thank you to @imnotinclinedtomaturity who not only moved this from 9K to 12K (as she is want to do when she edits for me), but made it three million times better for her amazing commentary and edits. What would I do without you in my life? I don’t know. Anyway, inspired by Dan and Phil’s most recent video, because it was every kind of feel I didn’t know I needed, and thank you to all the people who encouraged me to write this!

Disclaimer: In no way do I pretend that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

(ao3 link)

**

“Do you ever think about your soulmate?”

They’ve been on skype for three hours already. It’s three in the morning, but Dan doesn’t want to think about getting off the phone just yet. He treasures every moment he gets to spend with Phil, regardless of whether it’s ten minutes or nine hours, but that doesn’t mean he ever wants it to end.

So he asks the question that’s been on his mind all day, this vague thought swimming around in the back of his head. He thinks about his soulmate all the time, but it hadn’t been until recently that Dan’s soulmate had been anything other than a vague concept.

Dan’s desperate to know if Phil feels the same way.

“Uhm,” Phil replies with an awkward laugh, staring at Dan a little funnily through the camera. “That’s a little personal, don’t you think?” he asks, chuckling in that way that Dan only ever hears AmazingPhil chuckle.

It’s the first time Phil’s ever been offended or standoffish with something that Dan’s asked, and it takes him back a little.

He finds himself flinching away from his laptop, unable to hide the way the words have affected him; he’s nowhere near as skilled at a poker face as Phil is. Dan’s not sure if he’s more hurt by the fact that Phil kind of, sort of snapped at him, or the fact that Phil has put his AmazingPhil face back on, but he’s definitely hurt.

Phil seems to realize that he’s hurt Dan, because he doesn’t hesitate to drop his defenses and lean in close - or as close as one can get over the grainy quality of a shitty laptop webcam. Dan watches the way his features soften, and his eyes melt. Phil’s hand reaches out to his own shitty webcam, mostly just a few large pixels wiping at the glass, before pulling away.

“Bear,” Phil whispers, Dan’s childhood nickname soft on his tongue and just as personal as what Dan is asking Phil now. Dan tries not to flinch again, but he does. He just - isn’t used to being shut down by Phil, of all people.

Dan searches Phil’s eyes, trying to figure out why Phil has suddenly put up this barrier between them.

“I thought there were no secrets between us?” Dan blurts out before he can stop himself. Hadn’t Phil promised him that, one night? When the anxiety had gotten so bad that Dan had all but convinced himself that Phil secretly hated him?

Dan bites his lip, and watches Phil settle back against the pillows on his bed. The grainy image of Phil’s face far too close to the screen is gone, his expression now full of dejected concern.

“Dan…” Phil says this time, looking uncertain. “It... it’s not a… secret. It’s just, I don’t know. I’m not very used to talking about my soulmate, I guess? It just seems… too intimate.”

Dan doesn’t know how to respond to that. It feels like he and Phil have talked about a lot of intimate things in the past: how Phil used to get bullied for breeding hamsters, and how Dan’s bullies used to flirt with him, much to Dan’s embarrassment. How Phil once dyed his hair orange on the first day of school on accident, and how once Dan accidentally singed the tips of his hair so badly he had to have a buzz cut. Dan knew so many embarrassing secrets about Phil, and the weird things he’d thought as as child, that Dan was pretty certain Phil could make a series out of it.

Dan had just wanted to know if -

“I can hear you thinking,” Phil says, interrupting Dan’s thoughts. “You’re working yourself up again. Dan,” Phil says again, waiting until Dan looks up at him before continuing to speak, “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I guess I’m just - a little defensive, when it comes to that.”

Dan allows himself to nod slowly, trying to take in the words. He knows that Phil is right, and if Dan isn’t careful, he’s going to work himself up into a tizzy. And he also knows that Phil has every right to not want to talk about his soulmate. Not many people do, in the grand scheme of things, it was just that…

Well, Dan was kind of hoping that Phil was his.

Dan sighs, and slouches back against the pile of pillows he has propping him up. When he really thinks about it, he can’t actually blame Phil for reacting the way he did. Besides, he’s kind of a celebrity, and if Dan were a celebrity, he’d get tired of hearing questions about his soulmate all the time, too.

“Right,” Dan agrees, “Sorry. I’m sure you get asked about thata lot on twitter as it is.”

Dan can’t keep the self-deprecating tone form his voice, and Phil lets out a kind of wounded sound in reaction.

“Dan, it’s not - you’re not - you know I don’t think of you as just another fan,” Phil explains. “You’re my friend, my best friend, and we haven’t even met properly yet. It’s just… I don’t know, I just, I haven’t even met my soulmate yet and I kind of just want to keep them to myself until I do, you know?”

“So you’re sure then? That you haven’t met them? Your soulmate I mean.” Dan asks, before he can stop the words from flying out of his mouth.

“Yeah,” Phil looks down at his body. “I mean, I don’t have any tattoos, so I’m sure I haven’t met them yet.”

The words sting, probably more than they actually should. Here Dan is, thinking that he most definitely has met his soulmate already, and Phil is on the other end of the screen telling him he doesn’t feel the same. Dan’s heart could have well and truly broken right then and there, and he finds himself shrinking back once again.

There isn’t much more room on the bed for him to slide further down, but Dan can still try.

Part of him wants to reach out and just shut his laptop right now. He can feel the hurt spreading across his features all over again, and he’s sure that he’s got a big fat blush on his cheeks. There is no way that Phil hasn’t noticed Dan’s very visceral reaction, and, well, it’s embarrassing.

“Oh,” Dan says to break the silence, voice coming out a croak. “I’m sorry I asked, then. I’ll just be going -”

“Dan?” Phil asks, jumping in just before Dan can click “end” on the skype call. Dan’s body hesitates on instinct, always eager to extend his skype calls with Phil just a little bit longer if he can get away with it. He regrets that instinct a second later when Phil peers at him with the most gentle expression Dan has ever seen. “Did I say something wrong?”

The blush seems to spread even further down Dan’s body. He feels like he’s been caught and uncovered in the worst way possible, and he doesn’t know how to get away. He’d been hoping that if he just brought soulmates up casually, then maybe Phil would reveal that, well… that he felt the same. That he was just as sure as Dan was that Dan was the one for him.

Now, now Dan has just left himself exposed and vulnerable, and he doesn't know what to do with himself.

Dan looks down at his hands and tries to shake his head, but it’s already too late. Phil is talking again, and his tone is so fucking soft and understanding that Dan just wants to hide. This isn’t fair.

“Is it what I said about my soulmate?” Phil pushes. “That I haven’t met them yet?”

Dan doesn’t reply. His gaze remains steadfastly on his hands, where he is digging dirt out from underneath his fingernails.

“Because I can’t say I have, Bear,” Phil continues in that same, soft voice. “If I had - If I had met, if I had touched my soulmate - I’d have my tattoo by now, you know that.”

The thing is, Dan does know that, but, like, that’s not the point. The point is, Dan is so certain that Phil is the perfect person for him that he doesn’t even need his tattoo to be sure - or, at the very least, to hope. And okay, so there had been a time when he didn’t believe in fate, and there had been a time when he’d quite literally shunned the whole concept of soulmates because he thought it was ridiculous that the world got to decide who you were destined to be with, but. Well. Then Dan had met Phil, and suddenly Dan seemed to understand what fate meant.

“I know, I just…” Dan doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. He’s already so fucking embarrassed, and if they push any further, Dan knows that he’s going to just end up humiliated. He can’t even look at Phil because he feels like Phil already knows what Dan is hinting at, and Dan doesn’t want to say it.

Part of him is hoping that Phil won’t say it either.

“Dan,” Phil murmurs, once again pulling Dan’s attention back onto him. Dan looks up, looks into warm eyes that he wants so badly to see in person, clear, rather than hazy over the webcam. He bites his lips, and waits.

“I don’t want to hope… if it’s not, you know. I don’t like to talk about my soulmate because, what if I’m wrong?” Phil’s voice is soft, like he’s sharing a secret. It’s the most serious Dan has ever heard it. Normally, Phil gets all giggly when he’s telling Dan something that no one else knows about him. But now? Now, Phil looks more frightened than Dan has ever known him to be. “I like to pretend that my soulmate is… locked up inside of me, waiting for me to find them,” Phil adds, dropping his gaze from Dan’s.

Phil had been right. This was intimate, and suddenly, Dan feels like he’s done something wrong. Like he’s crossed a line he wasn’t meant to cross. Like he’s pried into something well and truly private.

“Phil, you don’t -”

“Sh. Let me finish,” Phil insists, flashing a half-smile up at Dan before looking back down at his hands. His fringe falls into his face, hiding his expression completely from Dan, but Dan can still hear him speaking.

“I like to pretend that they’re like… only mine, you know? That I’m the only person that really knows them. So… I don’t like to taint that with - with…” Phil’s voice falters. Dan watches, tense, unsure what Phil is getting at.

Then Phil looks up at him again, and this time, his expression looks so much more open and vulnerable then Dan has ever seen it before.

“With false hopes.”

Phil’s eyes are so wide. It almost looks like he’s pleading with Dan to understand, and Dan can feel his heart beating hard in his chest at the implications of what Phil is saying.

“At least not until I’m sure. Not until I have my tattoo,” Phil adds, words a quiet whisper.

Dan can only stare. He can feel his pulse is racing, and his head has gone a little bit fuzzy with all the thoughts whirling through it right now. Hope blossoms in the middle of his chest, and he finds himself biting his lip all over again to hide a smile. He wants to believe that maybe this is Phil’s way of saying that he feels the same, that there is some part of him that hopes and believes that Dan is - or at least could be - his soulmate, and he’s just waiting for them to meet in person so that when they touch… when they touch for the first time, maybe, just maybe, their tattoos will come.

“Do you understand now?” Phil all but pleads. The look in his eye is all the confirmation that Dan needs, and he lets go of his lip so that he can smile.

“Yeah. I think I do.”

Phil’s shoulders noticeably relax, and he offers Dan a weak smile in return. For a moment, Dan fully intends to drop the conversation, but then and idea starts to form in his head that he can’t quite get rid of. It’s been on the back burner for weeks, but now...

“So, you just need proof, right?” Dan asks, hopefully, tentatively, gazing up at Phil through his eyelashes.

Phil smiles widely, and it’s like all his defenses are gone again. It’s the Phil that Dan knows and loves. “Something like that,” he agrees, his tone just as soft as Dan’s.

Something burns warm in Dan’s chest. It’s all the confirmation he needs, and he pulls up a window on his desktop to check his bank account. He’s been working most of the break, he should have enough…

“What are you doing, Bear?” Phil asks, the smile never leaving his cheeks. Dan glances at the little image in the corner of his screen where Phil’s face still stares out at him, and thinks he can see the tiniest flame of hope in Phil’s bright eyes.

“Checking my bank account. I think I’ve got enough to book a train ticket to Manchester. When did you say your parents were going out of town again?”

**

AmazingPhil: woahh just talked to Dan for 5 hours

AmazingPhil: *yawnnn* nice dream ^_^

danisnotonfire: @AmazingPhil you got 8 hours sleep :P

danisnotonfire: @AmazingPhil :)

AmazingPhil: @danisnotonfire z i’m still kinda asleep. Book tickets!! xD

danisnotonfire: {twitpic Booking Confirmation]

AmazingPhil: @danisnotonfire 12 days!!

danisnotonfire: @AmazingPhil shit i need to do some situps

**

The night before Dan is set to arrive in Manchester, he finds himself sat on skype with Phil all over again. They’re wearing matching grins, and Dan’s got his laptop propped up on his desk as he goes about shoving clothes and necessities into a luggage bag. He’s going to be staying at Phil’s for almost three days, all alone, with Phil’s parents gone on vacation.

Dan is so excited he almost can’t breathe, and at this point, the majority of his and Phil’s conversation has dwindled into excited laughter and suppressed squeals of glee - at least on Dan’s end. He just can’t seem to contain this feeling in the center of his chest. It feels like his heart in his throat.

Phone charger, check, laptop charger, check…

“I can’t believe this time tomorrow, we’ll be in my bed.”

The words send Dan for a loop, and he lets out a startled laugh that causes him to nearly drop the pile of wires he’s got in his hands.

“Phil!” Dan shouts, “You can’t just say that!” Dan berates him, turning on his heel to send Phil an offended look. Phil is giggling into his hand, face all scrunched up in that cute way he’s got, and Dan wants nothing more than to lean forward and kiss him.

But he can’t. At least not yet.

Don’t get ahead of yourself, he thinks. There’s this feeling in the middle of his gut that says Phil is his, that when they touch for the first time tomorrow, they’ll get their tattoos, but there’s another part of Dan that worries what will happen if it turns out he’s wrong.

The smile starts to fade from his face, and he turns back around. Now, his stomach feels like it’s full of angry bees.

“I mean, it’s true! It’s not like I plan to make you sleep on the floor!” Phil elaborates, despite them both knowing exactly what his double meaning had been. Dan can’t help wondering if Phil will still be thinking that tomorrow, if -

Dan won’t let himself think it.

As Dan continues to pack - or, at least, attempt to pack - Phil chatters on behind him about his plans for the day. He’s gots their entire afternoon planned out, set with a trip to the Manchester Eye and the Sky Bar, two places that Dan could happily do without when just Phil is an option.

He appreciates it nonetheless. Being courted around - it does feel nice. It’s just… a bit much. Dan doesn’t want to put Phil out or anything. He doesn’t really need anything more than Phil.

“You know I’m coming to see you, and not Manchester, right? You don’t have to spend a fortune on me,” Dan says. Phil lets out a snort-like sound, and Dan turns to find him shaking his head. There’s something fond about the corners of his eyes, like he knows something that Dan doesn't, and Dan feels his heart leap all over again.

“I know, dumbass. I want too.”

The words seem to change the entire mood of the conversation. Dan stops, turned towards Phil. He can feel that ache burning like fire in his chest. For the last 12 days, Dan has repressed the doubt that when he and Phil touch tomorrow, they won’t get their tattoos. But now that the moment has come so close, Dan can’t help but let the doubt swarm back in. He turns properly, so he can look at Phil comfortably, squaring his shoulders to face Phil entirely. He bites his lip, and hesitates.

“Phil… what if… what if we were wrong?” Dan forces himself to ask, lowering his gaze and staring at his feet, rather than Phil. Dan can hear the moment that Phil inhales sharply.

He waits.

For a while, Phil doesn’t say anything. Dan is too afraid to look up at him and find out what expression is currently on his face, but at the same time, he wants nothing more than this moment to pass. He wants nothing more than to be reassured that they weren’t wrong, and that even if they were, that won’t change anything about tomorrow.

When the moment has stretched on for too long, Dan opens his mouth to say “nevermind,” but Phil speaks before he can.

“Bear,” he says, a forced kind of happiness in his voice, “I told you, remember? Until it’s real, I don’t want to hope. Besides, tomorrow is meant to be about us. Whatever that might bring.”

Phil’s words circle the subject so well that Dan looks up at him, astonished. He knows he shouldn’t be surprised when Phil had made it more than clear that he wasn’t willing to let himself fully hope or assume anything until he had his tattoos and his soulmate at his side, and yet he feels a little stung. It’s as if Phil isn’t affected by the what if’s at all.

For a moment, Dan wonders if he got this all wrong. If he is the only one going into this with the hope that they are soulmates.

But then Dan takes a proper look at Phil’s face, sees the AmazingPhil mask creeping in to hide his feelings, and it’s as if a weight has been lifted from Dan’s shoulders. If Phil is feeling the need to hide, to be someone else, then maybe, just maybe, Dan is right after all. He sighs, and offers Phil a smile.

Phil smiles at him in return.

“You’re right. Okay. What else did I need again?”

“I don’t think you’ve packed any pants - unless you weren’t planning on wearing any?”

“Phil!”

The sound of Phil’s laughter crackles over Dan’s cruddy laptop speakers. Tomorrow, he gets to hear it for real.

**

Dan’s three minutes from Manchester Piccadilly when his nearly-dead phone goes off in his hands.

Phil: i’m here!! :D told you i’d be on time!

Dan doesn’t have it in him to respond. He can already feel his hands shaking, and the train hasn’t even pulled to a stop yet. The conductor had announced their incoming arrival, though, so Dan knows that he’s close. And now that Phil’s texted him, he knows that Phil’s close too.

In a matter of minutes, they’re finally going to meet. Dan wants to scream with how excited and nervous he is.

His luggage sits at his feet, and he’s got a seat to himself. The train is relatively empty for such an inordinate Monday morning, much to Dan’s surprise, but he supposes most people head into town over the weekend, and leave before school and work can continue. It shouldn’t be such a surprise, and it really isn’t, but Dan needs something to distract himself from the fact that he’s about to meet Phil.

As in, Phil Lester, AmazingPhil, Dan’s best friend, and -

The train starts slowing down. Passengers began to stand, grabbing their bags and heading towards the exits, ready to disembark.

It’s time, Dan thinks, and stumbles when he stands. His legs feel like jelly, his hands are sweaty, and he almost wants nothing more than to go back to last night and pretend that this is a far off dream that’s never actually going to happen.

But of course Dan doesn’t actually want that. He’s just scared. What happens if he touches Phil, and nothing happens?

It’s said that the first place soulmates touch is where their tattoos form, but Dan’s seen enough strange phenomenon to know that it’s far more tricky than that. His mum’s tattoos showed up on her waist because Dan’s dad’s hips technically touched hers first, but his dad’s tattoo had shown up on his shoulder where Dan’s mum had reached out and grabbed him. They’d quite literally tripped into each other, that first time they’d met. While some people had matching tattoos where they first touched each other, other’s ended up like Dan’s parents. Matching tattoos in different locations.

There’s no accompanying warning, either; no flash of pain, or a strange tingle on that part of their skin. Just… poof! Like magic, tattoos appears - sometimes under clothes, and sometimes peeking out on exposed skin. Sometimes even right across the face, if you’re unluckily enough to bump your head into your soulmate when you first meet them.

Suddenly, Dan is hyper aware of the fact that he and Phil might not know they’re each other’s soulmates until they’re given the chance to undress, and he finds himself tripping over his own two feet at the thought as he disembarks from the train.

Should he shake Phil’s hand? Is that too weird? What if he grabs his arm first, just in case. Dan just wants to be able to tell okay.

Fuck, he thinks. “Fuck,” he whispers aloud, receiving at least one offended look as he climbs onto the pavement of Manchester ground.

He’s here. Dan’s here.

All other thoughts and fears slip from Dan’s mind as the realization sinks in that he’s about to meet Phil.

He finds his eyes scanning the small platform as he steps forward and starts walking aimlessly, trying to find Phil. It shouldn’t be too hard - they’d joked about Phil being a 6’2 manchild, and he’d promised to wear his blue checked shirt so he’d stand out.

So where is he?

They see each other at the same time.

Dan stops in the middle of the station, looking around, when he catches sight of Phil stood a few feet away, scanning the crowd for Dan. His gaze has just landed on Dan when Dan registers the fact that that’s Phil, and then they both just kind of...

Stop. And stare.

For just a moment, everything is frozen.

But then it starts moving again, slowly and then all at once. It’s as if someone has injected adrenaline into Dan’s veins. His heart, already racing, seems to pump even harder, and he feels a jolt as his body starts to move on its own. Phil moves at the same time, dashing towards Dan, and they stare at each other, stunned, while Dan rolls his luggage behind him. They move in a stilted half-run as they get closer to each other until, finally, both of their expressions break out into wide, matching smiles

Unabashedly, Dan drops his luggage, and they both launch themselves into each other’s arms, every last thought about making their first touch somewhere visible completely gone from Dan’s mind.

It’s absolutely cliché, and silly, and every ridiculous scene from a romcom, but Dan doesn’t even care. His arms are wrapped around Phil’s waist as tight as they possibly can be. Phil’s arms embrace his torso and draw Dan in close, pulling him impossibly tighter, closer, nearer. There aren’t any sparks or anything equally as ridiculous as that, but it doesn’t change the fact that Phil feels warm and real in Dan’s arms.

Dan buries his face into the crook of Phil’s neck because he can, and holds on like his life depends on it.

Maybe it does. Dan doesn’t know. All he knows in that moment is Phil, and the fact that he is finally here.

It takes a long time for them to pull apart. Distantly, Dan is aware that they are two tall man-children hugging in the middle of Manchester Piccadilly, but he doesn’t care. Phil holds onto Dan just as tightly as Dan holds onto Phil, and it’s clear that neither man wants to let go. To make it less awkward, Phil had swayed them back and forth a few times, but he’d quickly given that up in exchange for hugging Dan tighter to his chest. Now, though, now, they both know they need to let go.

Still, Dan makes Phil end their hug. He just wants to take every single moment he can get, and he knows that Phil will eventually let him go. That doesn’t make the feeling any less disappointing when he does.

Phil chuckles at Dan’s sudden mood change, but doesn’t let up. He drags his hands up to Dan’s shoulders, and pushes him back just a little, so that he can see Dan’s face.

“You’re real,” he murmurs, in that same, gentle voice he uses over skype all the time. For the first time, Dan is hearing it in real life, and he finds that he can do nothing more than stare up at Phil with eyes wide and full of wonder.

Phil laughs again.

“What, no witty retorts? Have I made the Dan Howell speechless?” Phil asks, mock scandalized. It’s enough to knock Dan out of whatever trance he’s lost himself in, and he shakes his head as he laughs in return. Reaching out with one hand, Dan smacks Phil on the shoulder, and shakes his head.

“Shut up, you ponce. I’m just…” Dan trails off, suddenly feeling that old, familiar anxiety resurfacing as the world comes back to order. Suddenly, Dan’s eyes catch on all of Phil’s exposed skin, searching, hoping…

“I know,” Phil replies gently, letting Dan go and stepping away. It’s obvious that he’s having a quick sweep over Dan as well. If the disappointed look that crosses his face is anything to go by, he doesn’t find anything either. “Me too,” Phil says, sounding a bit disappointed. “Anyway, grab your bag! We’ve got a Manchester to explore!”

Despite the slight disappointment beginning to boil in Dan’s gut, he finds himself laughing at Phil’s words and staring up at him with just as much love and admiration as he’d been doing since they’d first started talking.

Just because they couldn’t see any tattoos yet, didn’t mean they didn’t have any… right?

**

Phil takes Dan all over Manchester, just like he’d promised. Phil rolls Dan’s luggage behind him the whole time because he’s is too impatient to take Dan home in order to drop it off, and they walk the streets that Dan has heard Phil talk about a million times over, but has never walked himself.

At the very least, it's fun. There’s a part of Dan that wants nothing more than to get back to Phil’s already so he can strip off all his clothes and see whether or not Phil is his soulmate, or not, though. Considering the fact that the first time they’d touched they’d literally thrown themselves into a mutual hug, Dan is hoping that meant their tattoos - which they have, they have to have - might actually be hiding underneath their shirts, potentially around the torso or back area, somewhere Dan can maybe sneak a look at if he just pulls his shirt a little away from his body...

He goes to do so, peeking just underneath the hem, but is forbidden the chance to actually see anything by a pedestrian slamming their shoulder into him, and tossing him a nasty look. And just like that, Phil is back to joking with Dan, and drawing his attention away from what might lie beneath his shirt.

Dan’s pretty sure Phil didn’t notice his nonchalant look down his shirt, but, well, he could be wrong.

Nonetheless, the distraction pulls Dan back into the moment, and he finds himself more than content to do nothing more than keep wandering around Manchester with Phil. A tattoo on his torso isn’t going to change anything about this afternoon with Phil; Dan can already tell it’s going to be perfect.

It’s just that, well, Dan’s never had so much fun before in his life. He’s never had a best friend before, and when he used to wonder town with his mates, it was a lot more about trying to be the coolest kid out there then actually hanging out. This, though, this is like… this is like what Dan imagines it was always meant to be like.

Phil takes him to Starbucks first so they can get a coffee, and then they go to the Apple store before popping into a couple other cool shops Phil’s been talking about for ages. They buy a board game Phil has been dying to try out, but has had no friends to play it with, and shove it into Dan’s already overstuffed luggage. Then, when lunch rolls around, Phil takes Dan to the Skybar, just like he’d promised.

They’re taken to a table awkwardly set in the middle of the room, close enough to the windows to chance a look outside and take in the view, but mostly darkened by the atmospheric lighting and dim chandelier placed over their head. It’s suitably swanky for such a high class place, and Dan finds himself laughing and joking about it with Phil while they wait for their waiter to return and take their orders.

“Seriously, Phil, you didn’t have to do this,” Dan whispers over the sound of their giggles, glancing around again at all the nicely dressed people and the high class waiters who look just as snooty as they do in the movies. Dan wonders if its a requirement or a part of their training to act this way.

Phil just kind of smiles at Dan, the expression soft and so ridiculously fond that Dan feels his heart flip over. He’s not entirely sure how to react other than to smile back.

“I wanted to,” Phil says, and leaves it at that.

The entire mood of the afternoon seems to shift, then. The waiter returns and Phil orders too expensive wine, a few appetizers to share, and a proper lunch for both him and Dan. Dan teases Phil about the price of the wine, and then snaps a photo of a bottle that sells for 2,000 pounds to tweet, pretending Phil actually bought him this one rather than the comparatively modestly-priced one that he did pay for.

It’s not a bottle, but it might as well be for the price Phil’s paid for a glass each.

It’s rich and bitter on Dan’s tongue, but he drinks the whole thing down because Phil bought it for him, and Dan isn’t going to let anything go to waste.

By the time he and Phil have finished eating their suitably small portions of lunch, they’re both a little tipsy off of a combination of the wine, scant food, and each other’s company.

Dan finally begins to feel as if he truly is on a date.

Before they leave, Phil gets up for a trip to the loo, and Dan’s heart skips into his throat. He’s been holding back from any further attempts to stare down at his torso to find out whether or not he’s got his soulmate tattoos yet, but now that Phil has left for just a moment, Dan feels like he can have a sneak peak.

With a quick glance around the restaurant to make sure that no one is looking, Dan pulls the collar of his shirt away from his chest and glances down.

There are shadow across the planes of his body that throw him off. Dan tries to move away from the light, then into it, and then back again, trying to make some kind of difference that will enlighten him to whether or not Phil is his soulmate. Unfortunately, the lighting is too dim for Dan to make out anything concrete, and he’s too nervous to keep looking and making a scene, too nervous to properly wrack his shirt up and look, so he lets his collar go and fidgets uncomfortably in his seat waiting for Phil to come back.

When he does, he also looks a little jumpy and put out, as if he had wanted to check for marks as well, but somehow found himself unable too. He doesn’t look sad, though, so Dan doesn’t allow his hopes to get crushed just yet.

They head back down the elevator of the Hilton, and return to the streets of Manchester to continue their journey in and out of Phil’s favorite childhood shops and hang out spots.

By the time dusk rolls around, Dan feels like he’s on cloud nine. Everytime he looks at Phil, he can feel his heart jump in his chest, and butterflies erupt in his stomach. Phil’s so close to him that Dan wants nothing more than to lean in and kiss him, but he doesn’t.

Phil spends most of the day finding excuses to touch Dan. If he’s not playfully clawing at him, he’s bumping their shoulders and their hands together, one notable time even wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist when he tried to walk down the wrong side street in order to steer Dan back towards the right direction. The way he’d laughed afterward, they way his touch had lingered, and the spark that shot up Dan’s spine at the intimate touch, had left Dan speechless and a little off kilter for a good five minutes, at least.

Now, they’re finally approaching the Manchester Eye. The big wheel looks beautiful against the backdrop of the sunset, but Phil looks even more beautiful.

“I don’t think they’re going to let you take your luggage up with you,” Phil says as the two of them get in line. It’s not too packed for a Monday evening, and as carriages fill out, and the line starts to move, Dan realizes that Phil is right. He looks back at his luggage, and then up at Phil, and then over towards the guy taking people’s money.

He bites his lip as he thinks. Surely, the man will let him leave it with him, right? Just on the inside of the fence keeping the wheel caged in?

“We can duck out early and -”

“No!” Dan blurts out, before he can fully think about that implications of what he’s said, or the implications of what Phil’s said. All he knows is that he really, really wants a chance to get up on that big wheel with Phil and have that proper Manchester experience. Phil’s already taken him to a fancy bar, now Dan wants to experience something more… romantic.

Who is Dan kidding?

Over the course of the day, he’s grown more and more anxious about getting back to Phil’s. He’s had such a good time, and enjoyed every last second of this that he can’t bear the thought of going back to Phil’s only to find out that they aren’t soulmates. It had been nerve wracking enough back at the Skybar, when he’d tried to stare at his chest and found that he couldn’t see anything but shadows cast from mood lighting. Phil coming back, looking a little disgruntled, but not disappointed, per say, had been hard enough. What is Dan going to do if they get back to Phil’s and they find out they don’t have their tattoos?

For all of the time he spent hoping they were soulmates, he’d never properly considered what he’d do if they weren’t.

Currently, they were Schrodinger's cats. Until they took off their shirts, they both were and weren’t soulmates.

Maybe he can just stretch this state of in between out a little bit longer, take advantage of the moment by allowing himself to live out his romantic fantasies with Phil.

Before he gets his hopes crashed.

This way, at least Dan will always have something good to hold onto and remember.

“Dan?” Phil asks, pulling him back out of his thoughts and reminding him that the line is not only still moving, but Phil is still waiting for some kind of clarification to Dan’s answer.

Dan’s cheeks go red, and he looks away as he starts moving. He drags his luggage behind him and continues walking, unwilling to get out of line now.

“I just - I just really want to ride it with you, okay?” Dan says, doing his best not to let the anxiety shine through. He refuses to even look at Phil for fear of what he’ll see there, or for what Phil see in his face. Instead, he keeps moving steadfastly away, until he and Phil are next in line, and the big wheel starts turning with its current load.

Rather than voicing a response, Phil reaches out and touches his hand to Dan’s shoulder, squeezing gently. Dan hides a smile as Phil reaches around him for good measure to hand some notes to the salesman.

The big wheel comes to a stop, two people disembark from a swing, and Dan and Phil step forward.

“Can I leave this here with you?” Dan nervously asks the salesman. The man grunts, and points his thumb behind him next to the wrap around cage. Dan whispers a rushed, “thanks!” and moves to leave his bag there.

When he turns back, he finds that Phil is waiting for him before he climbs in.

Dan grins, and hurries back to his side.

They settle in quickly. Dan folds his long limbs inside the swing first, followed by Phil, who giggles as he accidentally elbows Dan. The swing can hold up to four people total, and there is plenty of room for Phil to sit across from Dan, but he chooses not too. Dan tries to ignore the way that makes him feel.

The butterflies consume him anyway.

As the swing door is latched behind them, and the wheel once again returns to motion, Dan turns to stare out the window at his side. He’s too nervous to look at Phil directly, not when they’re shoved up so close together that Dan can feel the heat of Phil pressed up all along his side. Not that he’s not enjoying it, because he is. It feels good.

It’s feels too good.

Dan just needs to distract himself for a moment, or else he’s afraid of what he’ll do. There’s a part of him that just wants to curl up into Phil’s side and get Phil to wrap his arm around his shoulders. There’s a part of him that wants Phil to hold him close, and make Dan feel alive, and important, and like he matters.

He knows he matters to Phil, and to his parents, and maybe even to some of his friends from back at home, but the idea of being someone’s soulmate… that’s everything to Dan, and if he can’t have the proof now, if he can’t have the proof ever, he just wants to pretend in this moment.

He wants to pretend that Phil is his and he is Phil’s.

But he doesn’t lean over to press himself into Phil’s side, and he doesn’t force Phil to hold him the way he wants to be held, because he knows that Phil wants to wait, and Dan understands that.

So they sit in companionable silence as the wheel turns, occasionally stopping to let a passenger off and another one on. Their swing grows closer and closer to the top of the wheel as they go, and the view of Manchester becomes more and more beautiful as the sun begins to set.

By the time they reach the zenith of the wheel, Dan thinks the sun will just be falling under the horizon, leading the world into proper night. They won’t have very long to sit and see the view before the wheel turns again, and they’re knocked back so that everything is just a little bit more off center than it had been before, but Dan doesn’t mind. He’s sure that Phil has seen it a million times before, and Dan… well, Dan doesn’t really care about the view. Not of Manchester, anyway.

In fact, all he really cares about is Phil, and the longer that they sit pressed together all along their sides, the more that Dan wants to turn and stare at Phil, to curl up into his side and just be. He wants to take this moment and hold it in his heart and never let it go.

As the wheel starts to turn, Dan feels his heart skip into overdrive. He finds himself wondering if Phil’s looking at him, or out of his own window, and he turns as the wheel hits the top and finds himself staring back at Phil.

It’s in that exact moment that Dan realizes he’s gone and irresponsibly fallen in love, because Phil is staring back at him with such a raw emotion of hope in his gaze that Dan wants nothing more than to lean in and reassure him that they’re it for each other.

Phil’s gaze is haunting. Dan can see his own desperation and want reflected back at him, and it hurts him to see it. He’s ruined Phil’s plan to keep his soulmate all to himself and made him hope. Dan can’t help the fact that he put it in Phil’s mind, though. It’s all Dan’s wanted since he and Phil started skyping for hours upon hours every night.

They’re best friends, and Dan is so grateful for that, but Dan wants so much more. He wants to be Phil’s everything, and if the look on Phil’s face is anything to go by, he wants the same.

The wheel has come to another standstill. Dan knows he’s missing it, the moment, the sun hitting the skyline and disappearing, the last rays of its light disappearing and casting the world into darkness, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care, because he’s got Phil, and stormy blue eyes, and the desperation that love brings.

Dan wants more than he’s ever wanted anything before, and he leans in close with the full intent on just giving in and kissing Phil already, because he just can’t wait anymore.

Warm hands press to Dan’s chest, but they aren’t pulling him in. They’re pushing. They’re pushing as gently as possible while still maintaining a purpose. They’re rejecting, and Dan startles at the touch, realizing with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach what he’s almost just done.

Dan’s eyes fly open - he hadn’t even realized he’d closed them - and he finds himself blanching at Phil, completely and utterly devastated at his own near-action. Phil is staring back at him with a half-grin, and a look of such intense sorrow in his eyes that Dan’s heart plummets to his feet.

His entire body goes cold.

“Shit, Phil, I’m so sorry. I am so, so sorry, I didn’t -”

“Sh, Dan,” Phil shushes him. “It’s fine. It’s just. You know. I’m waiting,” he explains.

Dan almost doesn’t hear the words. He’s too busy scrambling backwards in his seat and tucking himself backwards into the corner so he’s no longer touching Phil. Meanwhile, Phil looks so fucking apologetic that Dan wants to punch himself in the face.

Where’s the anger, the hurt, the betrayal? Dan almost took away his first kiss because of some stupid whim, when he knew, when he knows -

When Phil’s unspoken for my soulmate remains a solid weight between them.

Dan turns away. He can’t believe himself. He knew Phil was waiting, that he wanted to be sure, and that he was unlikely to give away any of his firsts to just anyone, and Dan had almost gone and mucked up the whole fucking thing. The rejection of the moment stings a bit, but nothing can compare to the feeling in the pit of Dan’s stomach that he almost just lost his best friend for something as stupid as a kiss.

So Dan’s terrified that when they get home, it will turn out that Phil isn’t his soulmate? But that does not give him a right to take away from Phil something that he treasures as much as his soulmate and everything Dan is sure Phil wants to give that person - whether they happen to be Dan or not. Phil wants to be sure, and Dan can’t fault him for that.

Dan is so busy berating himself that he doesn’t notice Phil reaching over to take his hand until their fingers touch. Dan jumps at the action, shocked when Phil threads their fingers together and tugs Dan a bit closer, so he isn’t squished into the corner of the seat, and their knees are actually touching.

Dan stares at their clasped hands for a few minutes, before tossing Phil a confused look. Phil is staring back at him with a smile so soft and genuine that some of the self-hate Dan had been feeling a moment ago starts to drift away.

Phil’s fingers start to rub soothing patterns into the skin of Dan’s hand as they look at each other, the wheel once again moving, steadily bringing them back down to the end of their ride. Then Phil opens his mouth and speaks.

“Have you… waited?” he asks, apropos of nothing. Dan finds himself blinking back, confused.

“Have I waited for...?” he asks, words trailing off as he quirks a brow at Phil and encourages him to continue. Phil huffs out a weak laugh in return, seemingly embarrassed, before opening his mouth to try again.

“Have you had your uh, you know… first kiss?”

Phil sounds like he’s the eighteen year old, and not Dan. His cheeks are bright red, and his eyes a little wide. His voice is just shy of squeaky, and he follows the question up with a high pitched giggle. The whole situation should not be as endearing as it is.

But then the question kind of dawns on Dan, and he bites his bottom lip on the answer. It’s not that he hasn’t had his first kiss yet, but not for lack of trying. There had been a time when Dan hadn’t believe in soulmates - or at least a time where he hadn’t cared - and he’d been willing to give away everything to any person he’d fancied. Unfortunately for him (or, perhaps, in this situation, fortunately for him) he’d gone to an all boys high school right up until college, where he’d taken his a levels at a co-ed school.

Due to his upbringing, Dan had always been far too awkward to actually talk to girls, so whenever he went out with his mates, he always failed to get the ball rolling with any girls, let alone win his first kiss. He was just too awkward, his speech clunky and confused, and he just couldn’t seem to get into it. Talking with girls was nothing like talking to boys, and Dan remembers wondering why everyone thought it was so wonderful.

Then he’d gone to a co-ed school, and came full circle to the realization that he was gay, before giving up on the whole goddamn thing.

Now, he’s kind of glad for that.

“Dan?” Phil asks, once again drawing his attention back to the conversation at hand. He looks sort of worried now, which makes Dan feel like absolute shit, but there’s nothing he can do about it now except stare at Phil shamefaced.

They’re almost back to the start on the wheel. They’re going to have to get off soon, but Phil’s still holding Dan’s hand.

“No,” Dan gets out through his suddenly dry throat. “I haven’t had my first kiss yet, but not for as noble a reason as you.”

Phil just kind of laughs and shrugs, not seeming to mind so much, as his own worried expression becomes a little more hopeful.

“Well then,” Phil says, letting go of Dan’s hand as their swing comes to a stop at the bottom. It’s time to get off. “We better get home, then. Maybe tonight…”

Phil trails off, and the door swings open.

Maybe tonight.

**

Phil’s house could be the hotel from The Shining, it’s so creepy. He’s got a random, out of place treadmill in the lounge, far too many stairs, and a creepy doll on a chair sat at the top of the landing. The walls are a strange off putting greyish color that reminds Dan of the actual movie, and the wall leading towards the upstairs landing is covered in picture frames. At least the photos in the frames are normal, and not something terrifying and half-alive like from the movie.

Dan leaves his suitcase at the bottom of the stairs when he catches sight of a particularly interesting picture, and steps up to the fourth stair. Instantly, Dan finds himself cooing at a photo of Phil he finds there, small and ginger haired with a blue onesie on as he seemingly toddled around. His grin is huge and toothless, and Dan wants nothing more than to reach through the frame and hug little Phil.

“Don’t look at that!” Phil screeches, rushing back down the stairs to throw his body in front of the photo, leaving the long line of his back exposed to Dan. Dan laughs, and reaches out to tickle at Phil’s side, enjoying the way Phil jumps at the touch and turns with a glare. “Stooooop,” Phil whines, and bats at Dan, playfully swatting Dan on the chest a few times. “How do you like it, huh?” Phil asks, despite the fact that he isn’t even coming close to what Dan was doing.

Dan just keeps laughing, smacking Phil back, and ducking his head when Phil goes for more unfair attacks. As Phil’s arm swings back towards him, Dan ducks underneath it, and starts running up the steps, laughing all the while.

“Come on Phil, you slow poke!” he teases, racing away from Phil.

He reaches the top landing before Phil does, obviously, but he stops to grin back at Phil because he doesn't know where Phil’s bedroom is, and if Dan is being honest, the anxiety of what comes next is eating away at him so sharply he thinks he might actually pass out.

Why did he think running was a good idea?

There’s a warm buzz underneath Dan’s skin now that they’re in the relative privacy of Phil’s home. It’s like the adrenaline that had launched him into Phil’s arms that morning has come back, only at a slower drip than before. He wants nothing more than to peel off his clothes and have a look at his previously unmarked skin in order to find out whether or not Phil and he are soulmates.

It seemed kind of a rude thing to do in the middle of Phil’s house, though, so he waits for them to get inside of Phil’s room instead.

“Idiot,” Phil chides, once he catches up to Dan. His grin says the opposite of his words, though, and while he reaches forward to mess up Dan’s hair, he doesn’t try and engage in another play fight, for which Dan is grateful. His heart is beating far too hard as it is at this point. He could use a welcomed break.

Phil turns and starts leading Dan down the hallway, then, taking a left and flipping on a light switch to reveal the hallway that had previously been mostly shadows. Dan takes in the mostly bare walls, the little table with a vase of flowers, and finally the two doors along this stretch. The first is open, and leads to what Dan assumes is a bathroom, and the other - well, the other is closed and plastered with a huge poster of Kill Bill. Dan laughs when he sees it and shakes his head fondly at Phil.

“Is this how you greet all of your guests? With a giant photo of Uma Thurman? You are such a nerd, Phil,” Dan teases, shaking his head fondly. Phil makes a wounded sound, and tosses Dan a rude glare, but Dan can see the smile quirking at the corners of his lips.

“Don’t lie, Daniel, you’re just jealous,” Phil teases back, and moves to pull the bedroom door open. He hesitates at the last moment, and it’s the only sign to Dan that Phil is just as nervous as he is. He finds himself practically gulping as Phil stalls for a moment, before twisting his hand on his door knob, and letting the door fall open.

They’re quite now, and their easy humor seems to have gone. Dan understands why, but he wishes he didn’t, wishes it was still here, so he could cloak himself in the warmth and the familiarity of it, rather than have to face what will likely lie beyond. Instead of any of that happening, though, Phil steps inside, turns, and waves at Dan to come too.

“Er, sorry it’s such a mess. I did try and tidy,” Phil explains as Dan follows him in.

He’s not wrong. Phil’s room is an utter pigsty, but Dan really hadn’t been expecting much else. There’s clothing strewn everywhere, and Dan can see a pair of Phil’s pants laying unflatteringly on the window sill. The sight makes Dan laugh, and Phil rushes over to remove them while Dan takes in the rest of his bedroom. Dan catches sight of a blush on Phil’s cheeks, and it only serves to put him at ease, because if Phil is nervous, than surely, this is okay.

“Sorry, sorry!” Phil practically squeals, as he starts to kick away at a pile of presumably dirty clothing he’d shoved into a corner earlier that day, as if kicking it into submission will make it disappear.

It makes Dan feel even more light, and he turns back to take in the rest of Phil’s room.

Most of it is plastered in cutouts from magazines, a large portion of them either from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Phil’s favorite tv show growing up, or emo boys from emo bands and tv shows. It’s an honest to god collage of Phil’s entire life leading up until now - his loves and his interests. It’s a little bit of everything Phil has ever been.

It’s amazing, and, just like Phil, Dan loves every inch of it.

The green and white striped wallpaper from Phil’s videos is clearly visible right behind his bed, and the bedspread Dan knows far too well lays crumpled at the foot. It’s all so unreal that Dan has to just stop a second to take it all in.

“I told you I’d have you on my bed by this time tomorrow,” Phil teases, his voice all strangled and high as he falls back on his bed in front of Dan.

Dan turns, and opens his mouth with a dark blush. “Phil!” he shouts, even as he grins and finds himself following Phil’s example and plopping down onto his bed. Dan doesn't lay back, though. Instead, he stays awkwardly sitting, because his heart is still beating wildly out of his chest, and this is the moment.

Are they going to talk about it now? Dan doesn’t know. Should he excuse himself to the bathroom so he can undress, or does Phil want to do it here? Should they do it together, or should they wait a little longer? They can’t stay in this limbo forever, but god, does it beat the possibility of being wrong.

The anxious thoughts beat insistently at Dan’s brain.

“Lay down, loser. Get comfortable. I want you to feel at home here,” Phil says, breaking Dan out of his thoughts and pulling Dan backwards to lay on the bed.

They both laugh as the movement sends Dan crashing onto the covers, the bed bouncing and squeaking under the motion. Dan’s head is kind of spinning, and he feels a sense of giddy tension start to take over as he turns onto his side, Phil following his motion almost immediately. They’re both grinning, huge, idiotic smiles that make their features stretch, and then they’re laughing all over again.

They fall into the most ridiculous and pointless fit of laughter as they lay next to each other on the bed that Dan feels his abs began to ache. It’s a combination of heady anxiety, mixed with an intense bout of disbelief. Dan’s here, and in a few moments, he might just be finding out that Phil is his soulmate.

He can’t believe it, and if Phil’s reaction is anything to go by, Phil can’t believe it either.

Finally, they manage to settle down. The full-bodied laugher peeters out into something more like a chuckle, and then fades away entirely. Their smiles don’t, however, and Dan stares at Phil as he smiles and blinks softly at Dan. Phil’s gone all soft around the edges, despite the nervousness Dan can still see around his eyes, and his lips are cutey bowed like he wants to lean in and kiss Dan. The thought sends a jolt through Dan, and he lets out a small gasp that cases Phil’s eyes to dart down to Dan’s lips, and back up.

Dan finds himself doing the same. He wants so badly he can’t breathe.

“Hi,” Phil whispers after another moment of tense silence. He’s smirking at Dan, that familiar smirk Dan has seen him use on camera when he’s flirting - with his audience, with Dan. It’s so much more seductive in real life, and Dan finds his heart is nearly beating right out of his chest.

They haven’t talked about the whole soulmate thing yet. Dan still doesn’t know, and the not knowing is clawing at his chest.

Dan swallows around a lump in his throat. Phil’s arm twitches at his side, and Dan’s gaze darts down to see that Phil has curled his fingers into the bed covers underneath them. The sight makes a cold shiver go down Dan’s spine, and he looks back up into bright blue eyes.

“Hi,” he says back. He’s breathless, he knows, and he’s more than a little bit sure that Phil can tell too. It’s just that, well, they’re so fucking close now, and all Dan wants is… “You can touch me. If you… if you want.”

The words are out of Dan’s mouth before he can stop himself. He feels himself let out a startled sigh, hears Phil make a weird grunting noise in return, and then Phil’s staring at Dan like he’s trying to stare into his soul.

Dan can hardly blame him. He can’t believe those words dripped past his lips any more than Phil can, and he doesn’t know whether or not he should take them back. All Dan knows is that he’s not sure if he can wait any longer.

Dan wants so much that he’s having a rough time controlling himself.

“Dan…” Phil finally murmurs in response. His gaze looks regretful, and a little pained, and Dan knows exactly why. He flinches a little as he thinks about his own careless remark, and then shrugs his shoulders a little at Phil.

“Sorry, I know you…”

Want to wait.

“Yeah…” Phil whispers back. He doesn’t make any move to pull away, or reach out and take Dan’s offer, or even to get up, though. Instead, he just kind of stays laying there, trailing his gaze over Dan’s face, as if trying to memorize every last feature. It makes Dan feel exposed in a new way, but he likes it. For some reason he doesn’t fully understand, he likes it.

He likes it a lot.

Phil’s arm twitches again. Dan’s gaze drops down to watch as Phil’s fingers grip at the bedsheets, and then pull away, before finally moving to reach out out and press alongside Dan’s hip. The touch makes Dan gasp and dart his gaze back up to Phil’s face, only to find that Phil has leaned in, and his eyes have fluttered slightly shut. Dan’s breathe catches, and he watches as Phil gets closer and closer, unsure what to do about it.

What’s he doing? What’s going on? I thought he wanted to wait, Dan thinks, his mind whirling a thousand miles a minute. His breathing has ratched up. He can hear it, it’s so loud, puffing against Phil’s lips, and when did Phil get that close? Dan can’t believe this is happening, his eyes drifting shut, and he knows, he knows that he should stop this, but he can’t.

He can’t, and Dan feels like the worst person in the world as his eyes properly close and he puckers up his lips like he’s seen them do in the movies, just waiting.

And waiting.

But the kiss never comes.

Instead, Dan feels Phil shift on the bed, and suddenly, a literal weight has been lifted. The bed jumps, and Dan’s eyes pop open to find that Phil has ripped his arm away from Dan’s hip and jolted from the bed. His entire body seems to twitch unattractively as he backs away from Dan, and back towards his bedroom door.

It all happens so fast that Dan doesn’t even get a proper chance to blink.

“Uhm. Make yourself at home,” Phil blurts out, throwing one last glance over his shoulder at Dan before practically bolting out of the room, shouting a final “I’mgonnagoshower,” behind him.

The next thing Dan hears is the slam of a door, and a quiet plunk that Dan is willing to bet is the sound of Phil collapsing against the bathroom door.

Suddenly, Dan is alone.

His heart is beating so fast that Dan’s surprised he hasn’t been sent into cardiac arrest yet, and his head is spinning like he’s just come out of an adrenaline rush. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands as he pushes himself up and into a sitting position, staring blankly after Phil.

Phil hadn’t even brought a change of clothes with him.

Had that really happened? Phil was just about to kiss him, he’s sure of it, but it feels like a fever dream. It’s like the moment in the ferris wheel all over again, but not, because being in Phil’s bed, laying down and generally being so close to Phil, had felt like every dream Dan had ever had.

Dan reaches up with shaking hands to touch his lips, and closes his eyes at the missed opportunity. But he knows that Phil wanted to wait, and they’re so close, now.

All Dan has to do is strip down to his skivies and find out if he’s got his tattoo or not.

Presumably, that’s why Phil bolted as fast as he did. He just wanted to find some kind of excuse to check and see if Dan was truly his.

And, well, if it turns out that Dan is not, then Dan will be glad that they didn’t kiss. He loves Phil, sure, knows that that will likely never change, whether the universe chose them for each other or not, but if not taking Phil’s first kiss from him means that Phil will get to save that for his true soulmate - so be it.

As Dan stands up on shaky legs, he realizes that he’s procrastinating. He hasn’t heard a peep from Phil since he darted from the room and most likely locked himself in the bathroom, but that doesn’t have to mean anything. Like Dan, Phil might be staring in the mirror right now wondering if he really wants to know that badly, or if it’s better left as hope.

But then you’ll spend the rest of the trip wondering, Dan thinks, and sighs as his fingers fumble for the hem of his shirt. It’s like ripping off a bandaid.

Before Dan can second guess himself any longer, sure that Phil will understand if he comes back to a shirtless Dan, Dan yanks the shirt over his head, slamming his eyes closed at the same time.

His heart is beating so loud he can feel it in his ears. Blood rushes through his body as he is once again seized by an adrenaline rush, and Dan holds his shirt away from himself, terrified to open his eyes and look.

He drops his shirt, fingers shaking so hard that he can’t even keep a grip on it, and lowers his arms to his sides. He has to clench his fingers into fists he’s so nervous, and his fingernails bite into his skin. It’s almost a welcome sensation, a counter emotion to the terror that Dan suddenly finds himself gripped in.

Where had Phil touched him first? His abdomen, his hips, his sides? Dan literally can’t remember. All he can remember is the feel of Phil hugging him tight and squeezing him like he never wanted to let go.

Dan wishes he could remember. It would make opening his eyes so much easier if he just knew where to look.

But as it is, Dan knows he’s going to have to just take a leap of faith, and it is the scariest thing that he has ever had to do.

What if he doesn’t have a tattoo? What if it’s not Phil he’s meant to be with? Dan’s afraid that realization will crush him, and it’s what keeps his eyes glued shut now.

But what if Phil is?

What if he’s had a tattoo on him all-fucking-along, and they’ve been doing this dance all day when they could have been kissing and cuddling and having a grand old properly romantic time?

The problem is, Dan will never know if he doesn’t open his eyes.

So he peels them open.

At first, Dan doesn’t see anything. He’s got his arms out in front of him, exposed skin staring back at him blankly, shoulders unmarked, but Dan was also almost certain that wasn’t where Phl had touched him first. Then, Dan’s eyes trail down lower, taking in his abdomen and his stomach - and that’s when he sees it.

His sides. His ribcage. They’re completely marked up in a barrage of dark henna that Dan has never seen before.

Not only does Dan have a tattoo, but his tattoo is huge. It takes up the entirety of Dan’s ribcage and appears to reach back and around to his back, where Dan can’t see. It looks like a burst of leaves and tree branches, weaving all over him, growing from him, the same way that Dan’s heart is growing in his chest.

He’s breathing heavy as he gasps, and Dan can feel the tears burn at his eyes as he takes it all in, reaching down to pet his fingers over the marks that will forever adorn his body.

He knows that Phil’s will be matching tree leaves and branches, just in a different spot, and grins as he imagines Phil going through the same emotions as him right now. Dan wishes they could be experiencing them together.

Dan looks up, full on planning to dart to the bathroom so he can revel in this moment with Phil, when he realizes that Phil has been there all along - or at least since Dan closed his eyes.

Phil is staring at Dan like he’s never seen him before. His lips are parted, perked up in some semblance of a grin, and Dan can practically feel him vibrating with energy, he’s so undone. Dan nearly wants to cry at the expression, and can’t help wondering how long Phil has been stood in the doorway, staring in silence, at Dan.

How long has Phil known? Longer than Dan, for sure.

Dan can practically feel his heart in his throat, and he finally lowers his gaze from Phil’s face to take in the rest of him. Phil’s shirt has also been completely removed, but unlike Dan, Phil’s tattoos do not appear anywhere on his front. Dan knows they’re there, though, and he wants to see.

“Where…?” Dan gasps out, throat full of… something.

Phil grins. “My waist,” he says, and points to his back, rotating a little so Dan can see.

Dan lets his gaze dip down to the exposed skin Phil is talking about, and thinks he’s sees a wisp of henna curling around Phil’s body, a tattoo matching Dan’s own, but hidden in a much harder spot to see. Dan lets out a startled laugh, and lets himself fall back onto Phil’s bed. He’s dizzy with emotion, the wealth of affection, adoration, and love he has for Phil overwhelming him.

All fucking day. They’ve been with their soulmate all fucking day, and they didn’t even know it.

Dan feels well and truly like an idiot. All this waiting, for no reason, and yet Dan can’t find it in himself to regret it.

As Dan starts to push himself back up into a sitting position, Phil stumbles over to Dan. He already had two left feet to start with, but now? Now, Dan can see just how unbalanced this whole thing has made him. It makes Dan’s heart trip in his throat as he stands up to meet Phil in the middle, hands instantly going to his waist.

It feels so good to touch, and know that he’s allowed.

“Is this okay?” Dan asks, because he doesn’t know what else to say, because he doesn’t know how to ask for what he really wants, and he doesn’t know how to make sure that Phil is actually happy about this, and not just putting on some kind of act -

“Bear,” Phil laughs, interrupting Dan’s thought process before it could get very far. Phil reached up with one hand and poked Dan dead in the center of his forehead. “I can hear you thinking again.”

The way Phil says it, its like he doesn’t even mind that he has to pull Dan out of it. There is so much fond expression in the words, in the touch, that Dan can practically feel himself imploding. Dan laughs, and ducks his head, and leans in so that he’s pressed into Phil’s chest, because he can.

Because he can.

And god, what a wonderful feeling it is.

“Dan,” Phil says, reaching up to press the palms of his hands on either side of Dan’s cheeks. “Come here,” he adds, dragging Dan’s head up until they’re face to face, and Dan can see every last color in Phil’s eyes: greeny-blue with a little bit of yellow. His bare chest is warm against Dan’s, and his hands feel wonderful against Dan’s cheeks.

“I can’t believe it’s you,” Phil croaks out after a second. His smile is absolutely blinding. “I’d - I’d tried so hard not to hope, but I -” he continues, and he sounds so choked up that Dan moves his arms to wrap properly around Phil’s waist.

“Sorry for getting your hopes up,” Dan teases. He knows the words come out choked with emotion, but he’s never going to stop teasing, and Phil’s just going to have to get used to it.

“Shut up,” Phil says, rolling his eyes. “I want to kiss you,” he adds on a little huff, because they’ve been holding themselves back all day and it had nearly happened twice already, and now they’re here and they’ve waited so long and Dan isn’t sure if either of them can wait any longer.

“Then kiss me,” Dan says, and leans in close.

Phil’s the one to close the small space between them. Dan’s eyes are closed, and the motion is a little bit awkward, but Phil leans in, tilts his head, and presses their lips together so gently that Dan feels the pit of his stomach fall out.

There aren’t any fireworks, no romantic music or rain cascading down around them like in the movies, but it doesn’t matter. Kissing Phil still feels amazing, and Dan’s heart feels like it’s growing inside of him as Phl’s thumbs stroke gently against Dan’s cheeks. They don’t really know what they’re doing, kind of just nudging at each other until their mouths slot together, and allowing themselves to just kind of go with instinct, but it’s amazing nonetheless.

It’s amazing because they’re here together, with a whole lifetime ahead of them, and with any luck, they won’t have to part for very long ever again.

Phil’s the one to pull away, cheeks flushed and eyes hazy as he opens them to look at Dan. Dan’s not the happiest to be pulled out of that sensation of bliss, but he allows it in order to stare back fondly at Phil.

“Was it worth the wait?” he finds himself asking, cocky and sure of himself now. His voice doesn't break, it doesn’t.

Phil smiles back at him, his expression one of coy disbelief.

“Every minute of it.”

[raspberrymilkteas]

All 61

JANINE! MY POOR WIG

Okay but lowkey I just took my next dose of NyQuill (because a hoe got sick smh), so I might just literally pass out while answering these lol but here goes

Height?

5′5.5″

Age?

19

Shoe size?

8-8.5 usually 

 Do you smoke?

No, I have asthma lol

Do you drink?

Tea? no, I sip it. (but really, no I have never drank drank alcohol though I have tried like a sip of Malibu once and it was good)

Do you take drugs?

Only NyQuil, when I’m sick, and it knocks me on my ass so

Age you get mistaken for

Um if I wear makeup, like at least 21 because I’ve gotten into bars without being carded before for my brother’s shows, but typically, as I don’t do my makeup very often despite loving makeup, I usually get mistaken for like 16/17

Have tattoos?

No, I wish

Want any tattoos?

Heck yeah

Got any piercings?

Um just my ear lobes

Want any piercings?

So many

Best friend?

I have multiple lol

Relationship status

I’ve never had a real relationship in the nearly 20 years that I’ve been alive, so single

Biggest turn ons?

Um smart people, also when people are just really nice and when people rest their head on my lap and kissing, and cuddling and also like *******

Biggest turn offs

When people are mean tbh, like nothing will make me run faster, or like clingy people. Or when people rest their head on my shoulder in like public settings without asking like I hate that

Favorite movie

Either Almost Famous or Dirty Dancing

I’ll love you if…

you are kind and patient and optimistic and funny and want to explore the world with me

Someone you miss

my grandpa and it hasn’t even been a day yet since it happened :/

Most traumatic experience

Tbh I think that my mom being sick and almost sying when I was really young was really traumatic but also really good for my development so idk

A fact about your personality

Um I make really dumb jokes that aren’t actually all that funny but I have nice friends that laugh at my jokes so 

What I hate most about myself

Hoo boy, um a lot, like most things really, but I’m working on it. 

What I love most about myself

I think that I generally go out of my way to be nice to people, like I definitely fuck up and can be a mean person but generally I think that I am pretty kind and also I always work towards bettering myself and am not satisfied with complacency I guess

What I want to be when I get older

I want to be a nurse for Doctors Without Borders

My relationship with my sibling(s)

I have one older brother and I love him with all my heart and he is genuinely the kindest boy on this planet and I don’t know what I did to deserve him but I’m the luckiest little sister, like the things he’s done for me, just wow tbh 

My relationship with my parent(s)

I have really close relationships with my parents, but I’d say I’m slightly closer to my mom

My idea of a perfect date

Okay but on the real, anything where we can explore nature like hiking or swimming or like going to a Christmas tree lighting or like a picnic but not a sit down dinner date because I hate eating in front of people, it gives me an extraordinary amount of anxiety (like if I eat in front of you, I trust you a lot), so if there’s food there needs to be things that can distract

My biggest pet peeves

Um again people who are just rude for no reason especially to like service workers, and people who discriminate against people for race, religion, sexuality, gender identity, sex, etc.,

A description of the girl/boy I like

They’re very kind and funny and a good friend

A description of the person I dislike the most

They went out of their way to make a post about me because I messed up once when they had done the exact same thing in like a place where they never thought they would never get exposed for it, but like I’m aware of it and as bad as I feel about the thing I did, they were shitty too and overcompensate for it by being extremely and unnecessarily mean and also they apparently can’t keep me out of their mind because the moment they saw an oppurtunity they tried to talk shit about me so 💅

A reason I’ve lied to a friend

To spare their feelings, but this is always a bad idea

What I hate the most about work/school

Um having to do things I’m not passionate about in order to get to what I’m passionate about 

What my last text message says

“who is here”

What words upset me the most

the word fat, for reasons or like if someone says that I’m a fake person or whatever I guess

What words make me feel the best about myself

when people say that I’m smart or kind like idk those are just important to me and I definitely don’t feel smart or kind a lot of the time 

What I find attractive in women

well, fuck, I think that women are just really sweet and they always look so pretty with their hair and just everything wow and they’re always so funny without trying and they’re just so smart. Women. I love. 

What I find attractive in men

Um I am a lot more picky with men but I love dark hair and dark eyes and also when they’re funny but also really nice and smart idk

Where I would like to live

Somewhere far far away

One of my insecurities

my weight, like that’s been a bad one as of late 

My childhood career choice

International pop star or doctor

My favorite ice cream flavor

I used to love chocolate moose tracks a lot 

Who I wish I could be

um someone cuter, smarter, and kinder

Where I want to be right now

At the beach 

The last thing I ate

I think an orange, idk it’s been awhile, I slept most the day

Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

RAMI MALEK

A random fact about anything

During sexual intercourse, when the erection occurs the body is in parasympathetic mode and when ejaculation occurs the body is in sympathetic mode, same thing with the clitoris lol

One of my best features

I’m kinda smart, but if we’re talking physical, my eyes are alright I guess

Sexuality

Bisexual

Got any hobbies?

A few. um but mostly writing and makeup and also I volunteer at a theatre a lot, though not as much recently 

Favourite clothing stores

I’m cheap, so Marshalls

Where I would like to study

In the library

What’s stressing you at the moment?

Everything, I have a lot going on, but it’s too much to explain at the moment

Favourite music genres

Indie pop and alternative soft rock

Worst thing a friend has done to me

um my best friend in elementary school made friends with the new girl who hated me then they started bullying me so like that wasn’t fun, like they’d make fun of my weight and stuff

Favourite subjects at school

Chem and any humanities class tbh

Perfect guy/girl

I don’t really think anyone is perfect

Something no-one I know IRL knows about me

It’s just that [redacted]

Happiest memory

Okay, I’ve talked about this a million times but on the last day of sophomore year me and some friends of mine went camping then we had hot chocolate and went and laid on a boat launch and looked at stars and it was something out of a movie and I have never been so at peace. 

Truthfully I’m not comfortable talking about 57&58 and I didn’t see those when I reblogged that post lol

Best advice someone has given you

To not be so hard on myself because I am very hard on myself.

Books you recommend

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray also the Uglies series 

Movies you recommend

Dirty Dancing and Almost Famous or the Secret of Moonacre 

[daughterof-chaos]

It Doesn’t Matter

Author’s Note: This is a Juice Ortiz imagine based on Grenade by Bruno mars as requested by a wonderful Nonny, and lucky imagine #4 in Week 4. This is an angsty little piece. Have fun and enjoy! Rated T+ for language.

This is my work–originally posted to my old blog @callmemrskozik which is no longer in use. Just wanted to put it out there so people don’t fill up my inbox accusing me of plagiarism.

It Doesn’t Matter

-XX-

Easy come, easy go That’s just how you live, oh Take, take, take it all But you never give Should’ve known you was trouble From the first kiss Had your eyes wide open Why were they open? Gave you all I had And you tossed it in the trash You tossed it in the trash, you did To give me all your love is all I ever asked ‘Cause what you don’t understand is… I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) You know I’d do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, I would go through all this pain Take a bullet straight through my brain Yes, I would die for you, baby But you won’t do the same No, no, no, no

-XX-

‘Nah man, we weren’t ever together. She was good for passing the time, but she’s just another crow-eater.’

Juan’s words dance through her head as she walks numbly through the club house. The faces of the people she thought were her friends swim before her eyes, and she knows she’s crying. Big, fat, humiliating tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Bailey, love, what’s wrong?” Chibs asks stepping in front of her, and when his hands come up to cup her shoulders she jumps. Chibs does nothing but stare at her, as her hands fist at her sides. ‘I’ll find Juice.”

“Don’t bother,” she says and with her voice echoing behind her she walks out.

::

She has to remove every trace of him from her life, it’s the only way she’s going to survive. Nothing can be left of him. Nothing. She pulls open drawers, systematically dumping out the contents, and finding one of his shirts folded among her own she tosses it towards the growing pile by the bedroom door.

She never noticed how ingrained he had become in her life until now.

When the tears come, she refuses to let them fall. She embraces the burn in her eyes, notices the way her throat thickens, but she swallows them. She won’t cry. Not for him. She’s given too much already, and she worries that if she gives anymore there simply will be nothing left of her.

It takes hours, but on the final pass through she finds nothing of his lingering behind. She ties up the bags, seals the boxes, and taking a deep breath she starts to cart them to her car ignoring her cell phone as it rings in her back pocket. He’s been calling all morning, as has just about everyone else she knows, but she refuses to answer.

Better to make a clean break for all involved.

She tosses her phone onto the passenger seat when she slides in to the driver’s seat, and taking just a second to grip the steering wheel, she turns the key, prepared to take this last step.

::

Everything has been off for him all day. From Chibs telling him that Bailey left in tears, to her refusal to answer any phone call or text made. He counts down the hours until he can clock out and go see her, and just when he’s about to turn his attention back to the work at hand he sees her car pulling in.

Something shifts inside of him, and with a smile he watches her. She’s beautiful, and when he lifts his hand in a wave she doesn’t return his eyebrows knit together in confusion. Instead of coming towards him she walks straight into the office where Gemma is busy working and closed the door behind her.

“Is that Bailey’s car?” Chibs asks and Juice nods dropping the tool in his hands back into the tool box. “Have you talked to her yet?”

“No, she wouldn’t answer any phone calls or texts,” he says and Chibs let out a heavy sigh.

“I’m telling you Juicy boy, somethings wrong with your girl,” Chibs says but Juice pays him no mind as he stares at the closed door.

::

She feels incredibly exposed under Gemma’s gaze, and she hates it. Her resolve had been so strong up to this point, but now she feels herself wavering.

“What do you mean your quitting?” Gemma’s voice is incredulous as she lights a cigarette.

“It’s time for me to move on,” she says grimacing over the way her voice shakes.

“Just like that?” Gemma asks, her voice incredulous as her eyes narrow. “No, there’s something more to it than that. Something happen between you and Juice?”

“Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I just came to tell you that I’m not coming back to work. I know payroll doesn’t go in a for a few more days, so here’s the address you can send my last check to. Thanks for taking a chance on me Gemma,” she says pushing to her feet as she slides the card across Gemma’s desk.

“Bailey,” Gemma calls out to her as she walks to her car and she turns, finding Gemma leaning against the open office door, a smile on her lips. “You won’t be able to run too far.”

“Watch me.”

-XX-

Black, black, black and blue Beat me 'til I’m numb Tell the devil I said “Hey” when you get back to where you’re from Mad woman, bad woman That’s just what you are Yeah, you’ll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car Gave you all I had And you tossed it in the trash You tossed it in the trash, yes you did To give me all your love is all I ever asked 'Cause what you don’t understand is… I’d catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) You know I’d do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, I would go through all this pain Take a bullet straight through my brain Yes, I would die for you, baby But you won’t do the same

-XX-

He pounds relentlessly on her apartment door, a steady stream of obscenities flowing through his lips all the while. He doesn’t care that he beats his hands bloody or that he’s become the main attraction for her neighbors. It doesn’t matter. He wants answers damn it, and he’s going to get them.

“Bailey! Open the fucking door! I know you’re home, your car is parked right downstairs,” he calls out and when he lifts his hand to pound away on the door again, it opens. Bailey stands on the other side, eyes red rimmed, hair a mess. She wears an oversized shirt that kisses her upper thighs, and under his anger need courses hot.

“Jesus Juan, it’s two in the morning. You’re lucky my neighbors didn’t call the cops,” she says and when he moves to step into the apartment she shakes her head, blocking the path.

“Let me in,” he says but she shakes her head no.

“You need to go Juan,” she says, moving to shut the door but he stops it with his boot.

“Not until you talk to me,” he insists which just draws a sound of frustration from her.

“What do you want to talk Juan?”

“Oh I don’t know Bailey, how about the fact that you were supposed to meet me this morning, and instead Chibs tells me he watched you walk out in tears, or how about you ignoring every phone call and text message I sent to you all day, but more importantly I want to know why the fuck you quit TM and left my stuff in the parking lot,” he says through clenched teeth. Her face betrays her emotions, and just when he thinks she’s going to settle on sad, her face flashes hot with anger.

“Why the fuck do you care?” she screams shoving him back a step, “I figured since we weren’t actually together I could get your shit out of my apartment so it would stop cluttering up my space, I mean if I’m only good for passing time why keep your shit here, I am after all, just another crow-eater, right?”

::

Bailey watches as realization crosses Juan’s face, and she’s just petty enough to get some enjoyment out of it.

“Bailey…” he says but she just shakes her head, effectively silencing him.

“It doesn’t matter Juan. We never would have worked anyway,” she says and when he opens his mouth she keeps talking, knowing that if she gives him the chance he’ll shake her of her resolve. “I’m leaving, day after tomorrow, going home to my family in North Carolina. You won’t have to worry about seeing me around. Good bye Juan.”

She closes the door, and with her back pressed against the wood she slides down hugging her knees to her chest, and with the sound of his bike roaring away to fill her head, she comes undone.

-XX- If my body was on fire Oh, you’d watch me burn down in flames You said you loved me, you’re a liar 'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby But, darling, I’d still catch a grenade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Throw my hand on a blade for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’d jump in front of a train for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) You know I’d do anything for you (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, I would go through all this pain Take a bullet straight through my brain Yes, I would die for you, baby But you won’t do the same

No, you won’t do the same You wouldn’t do the same Oh, you’d never do the same Oh, no no no, oh

-XX-

“I can’t believe you just let her leave like that,” the tone of disappoint in Chibs’ rings so true to Juice’s ear he doesn’t need to look at him to know it’s written all over his face.

“What choice did I have?” Juice asks, taking another long drink from the bottle.

“How about telling her the truth? You should’ve told her it wasn’t her you were talking about that morning,” Chibs insists but Juice just shakes his head.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says on a sigh. “She didn’t love me.”

“That girl loved you so much she left everything behind so as not to inconvenience you. She left thinking no one here loved or cared about her, and she did it without airing out your dirty laundry. If you can’t see that then your blind as well as stupid,” Chibs hisses as he snags the bottle from Juice’s grasp, and when his words sink in, he drops his head into his hands, knowing his heart is halfway across the country by now, and there isn’t a damn thing he can do about it.