#but thats not smth i'd do daily

[baekuras]

not me looking up general exercises which would help me build some muscle and hopefully lose some fat for specific areas i wanna control and most being like “30mins of exercise is a good daily amount AND one of the best ones is walking fast!”

bitch that’s just my work commute i do at least 5days a week

[chronicallyblyrie]

TMAGP 20 Live thoughts! spoilers ahead

this one is a day late simply because I'm on summer break now and I'm already forgetting what day of the week it is

-I already saw something in the description about ink5oul lets go I'm ready

-okay its our little trio hi guys

-Alice i swear to god fucking LISTEN TO HIM PLEASE

-Who killed it???

-whaaaat??

-Oh shoot is this going back to the ennacting the protocol thingy??

-the government conspiracies are fun though Alice :(

-ah yes the case that made Isaac Newton canon to the TMAGP lore

-no its definitely the same protocol

-WHAAAAT

-oh god its another email from John isnt it

-gibberish email address???

-Okay so Alice does believe in the horrors then???

-I mean yeah Sam she is very right you chose to work for the government that is the most shady thing you can do

-oh so they were trying to end the world AGAIN

-Celia might just be right, its almost like she has PRIOR EXPERIENCE

-yessss keep celia in on this shit show please

-GWEEN

-IN5OUL??

-Oh! tattooing corpses!

-Gwen is not the type for tattoos ink5oul

-"you've got lovely skin" that was a very nikola orsinov line

-Yes the government

-No they want you as an "external"

-Yeah shes new sorry ink5oul

-So they dont even wanna mutilate people with tattoos???

-So somehow having fans made them into an avatar or smth??? im just guessing externals and avatars are basically one in the same

-is this our statement/case for today

-this podcast really makes you look at social media in a different way

-tattooed WHAT

-damn so this is where the fucked up ink comes from that mutilates people right?

-yeah as a tarot lover I can't tell if I'd be pissed off too or if I'd be happy with the tattoo artist giving me a detailed ass sun tattoo after lying and showing me the wrong design

-"ITS BUUUUURNS"

-oh!

-oh so this is how you become an avatar

-guys.. I think I know how to kickstart my youtube career

-I imagine Gwen just standing here rn while listening to this mf yap

-so the tattoos are the ultimate anti-aging skincare

-rather disturbing is probably putting it lightly

-CHEMICAL COCKTAILS??

-were they chloroforming these clients

-mf you get a high on tattooing???

-okay so definitely an avatar, the whole talk of "wanting to make people afraid" and "needing" it is just a fear avatar needing their daily dose of people being horrified

-Oh so thats why they have corpses

-eloquent indeed!

-GWEN THEY ARE GOING TO KILL YOU SHUT TF UP

-WTF

-GWEN IS GONNA GET FUCKING KILLED SHE NEEDED THAT SECURITY

[sankttealeaf]

Oomf I'm busy catching up on ur fic and you've done 265k words which is roughly 700 pgs if physically published. How does that make u feel?

anon... i think about this fact daily.

i own crime and punishment by fyodor dostoevsky. ive held that book in my hands. ive seen how big that book is. ive read like. a handful of pages.

let sleeping dogs lie is longer than that.

early on when writing i had a cute idea of learning how to book-bind to make myself a physical copy of it and now i cant do it. thats so long. i'd need to split it into two parts. or three. or by chapter.

ive been writing this fic for a year this month and i still can't believe durgetash of all things has made me write a book LONGER than crime and punishment.

it's a treat for you guys who want a long fic to settle into but i can't comprehend that this is something i've done (and i do really enjoy reading comments of people who binge read the fic in a few days. shoutout to my friend who said she was going to wait for me to finish the fic and then decided to read the fic in smth like 2 days?? 3 days?? youre insane for that)

i didnt plan for it to get so long!!! im incapable of writing a short and sweet story!! it blows my mind every time i see the word count grow!! i edit! i cut things out! there's scenes that had to be scrapped because i said to myself "this is getting too long" it makes me go aaaaaaaaaa!!

it's looking like we may hit just under 300k words when it's properly finished. i need to go bury myself under some dirt for a year

also in the early days i was writing 10k words A WEEK!!! i had a weekly-ish upload schedule!!!!! what's wrong with me!!!! now im taking my time to make sure i dont burn out but oh my god. past me you are mad.

thank you anyone who's ever looked at my fic on the ao3 tag for durgetash and has gone "wow. that author is out of their mind" because you are RIGHT!

and also big thank you to anyone who's reading or is caught up with the fic. i owe you my life actually. its a labour of love and the fact that anyone went "lets read a book" means the world to me <3<3

[doctormage]

sorry i need to complain rly quick

ok so i went to the derby thing monday and in a nutshell it was awful solely bc i literally could not stay upright on my skates. im a severe asthmatic so i have to take albuterol before exercise and sometimes it makes me shaky, but this time my legs were like, completely and genuinely useless

everyone there was SO nice and only cared that i didnt hurt myself but im still really fucking embarrassed bc like. i make a point to exercise my legs every single day. at bare minimum i do squats and calf raises EVERY SINGLE DAY and have been for MONTHS bc of physical therapy. those two exercises particularly help keep my ankle and foot mobile so i make sure to do them, at least 30 of each, DAILY!!!!!!!!! my quads are fucking great!!!!!

so im like. alright. very cool and normal that the medication thats supposed to help me breathe is preventing me from even skating 3 feet in any direction, also very cool and awesome that people are gonna think its bc i have zero lower body strength (when in fact that is the ONLY place i have any strength!) bc my legs are like jello rn

(on top of this i was just so anxious and awkward and all this immediately brought up countless childhood memories of my gym teachers openly bullying me in front of my entire class bc i - severe asthmatic who was even worse as a child - wasn't going "fast enough" or "trying hard enough" or whatever. and also generally like the shittiness of not being able to play w your friends or whatever as a kid bc your lungs dont fucking work. so the frustration over this one thing just opened a can of worms that had been marinating for the last 26 years of my life)

(additionally i have placed a LOT on this mentally bc it's my attempt at like cultivating a hobby that involves other people and forcing myself to make friends that live in the same city as me. i've wanted to do this for over a YEAR, i was so excited after i got cleared by my physical therapist, and i also had a cold last week and was frantically doing everything i could to be better again before monday so it was just!!! a lot!!!) (i was better btw and not contagious. still wore a mask to the rink in case i coughed rly gross or smth tho)

i also thought maybe its bc my knees hyperextend REALLY really bad just like in my normal posture so my center of gravity is always all fucked. so on top of my shaky ass legs im trying to combat the entire way my body holds itself and has ALWAYS held itself, while attempting to maintain balance on wheels, and not default to What I Literally Always Do Subconsciously Because That's How My Legs Work. anyway

yesterday it was rainy so i couldnt skate but today i put my skates on and im like. completely fucking fine. not trembling at all, totally capable of remaining upright, maintaining proper form, skating around, everything, even with my fucked up backwards knees. what the hell and fuck

on monday i'd borrowed skates from the rink bc i didnt want to be the only one in new-looking non-derby skates (which i wouldnt have been anyway) so i guess it could be because their skates didnt really fit me right or they're flat and my skates have a heel but like????? why???????? why am i fine now ???????????????????

we have practice again tomorrow and i will ABSOLUTELY be wearing my own skates idgaf how stupid they look i am not putting myself in that position again. i NEED people to know i have functional legs ;_;

[zhuhongs]

i'm thinking of moving to taiwan after college, how has it been treating you? a lot of people i know who did move to taiwan only talk about how hard the language is (even if they're taiwanese 🥲) but i wanna now how like, your everyday life is!

oooo, that sounds so exciting, wherever you end up i hope you enjoy it! But yea, so I live just outside of Taipei in New Taipei but New Taipei is actually huge and there are many parts of New taipei that are like super far from Taipei proper and are pretty hard to live in without a having a scooter or car. I'm assuming you've been to taiwan before if you think you want to move there but ya never know! I tbh knew very little abt taiwan before coming here but yea. Just giving you an idea of where I live and that i can't speak for all of Taiwan, just my area thats just outside of taipei but still served by their metro system (which is honestly super dope, shout out to the MRT).

So like I overall love living here sm, I'd love to live here someday for work or smth and not just studying abroad. The transportation is amazing, the nature is. so lovely. Like tbh no matter where I am in the city I am no more than 10 km away from the river or the mountains and everything is so green and nice. However in order to be so green all the time, taipei is very rainy and very humid. Legit my hair was such a nightmare when i got here, if you are from a dry climate, you will notice so many changes. Like my skin is rlly nice bc of the moisture, but my hair was unmanageable so i chopped it off. But I also have was less allergies now. If youre originally from a humid climate it should be nbd.

My daily life is honestly pretty easy. I live in a dorm so I didn't have to deal with things like speaking to a landlord or finding someone who would rent to me, or having to deal with utility bills, or dealing with the semi confusing garbage disposal system. But, I do know ppl that did have to do these things and speak way less chinese than I do and were just fine. Honestly, ppl say that you can live in the Taipei area without speaking chinese and be just fine bc most ppl speak english. Tbh idk how anyone does that, I rarely speak to anyone in english here but I think thats bc I always try speaking chinese first. Most people can speak a decent amount but unless you speak to them in english first theyll speak in chinese. I feel like most things you can learn just by living your daily life and learning high frequency words and when all else fails use google translate. But honestly, my life is very easy and pleasant. If I'm hungry I can easily go to a food stall or grocery store or convenience store near where I live. If I really don't want to leave the house, I can order food with a reasonable delivery fee (well reasonable to me, ik food prices are going up here).

Personally, I find that making friends here is pretty hard, but I'm not a very social person and find it hard to start conversations with ppl idk, and most taiwanese people don't talk to you if you don't talk to them, so this might be hard. But I feel like everyone is very friendly for the most part its just kinda finding the chances to make friends is rare if you aren't working or going to classes or know someone here already.

But overall yea no taiwan is a great place to live, there's a lot of things I'm gonna miss abt taiwan when i go home but somethings in my home country are hard to find here. Some of the traditional taiwanese food isn't bad, but not like my cup of tea, but you can find a lot here. It's just that most like foreign cuisine is more expensive or geared towards the locals so its not very authentic. I def miss hispanic food and some foods are hard to recreate here bc of lack of ingredients but taiwanese food is also very nice. Some dishes may look boring but are actually very good. I hope you like living in taiwan if you end up living here!

[cornflowercanine]

OH I THINK THE THING I FORGOT TO PUT IN MY 'THIS YEAR IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF-' POST IS THAT ITS 833N 3 YEARS SINCE IVE 833N FUNCTIONALLY CLEAN FROM SELF-HARM LOL I FUCKING . FORGOT. congrats me X3 talking a8t it more under the cut cw for. talking a8t self harm lol+some of the thought process 8ehind it

8y "functionally" clean i mean ill relapse once every Several Months 8ut 8c thats so fucking infrequent at least compared to how i used to 8e that like... resetting the counter every time does not f33l helpful lol XD if it was a w33kly or even daily 8asis for me then YES it would f33l good to 8e a8le to go "ahhh im 3 days clean :'3" 8ut atm it's a few times a year so!!!!! lol

8ut like. would you 8elieve me if i told you it was Not a goal of mine to start recovering that fucking quickly going into 2019 (which is when i started to stop, early 2019!). it's a8solutely not like i was like WOOHOO SELF HARM YEAH LOVE IT 8ut my thinking was that it was smth i'd n33d like a therapist to help me with and give me good coping mechanisms to replace with and hold my hand through the process and shit 8ut the reason i stopped was i ... kept forgetting xD; or i kept getting distracted! i'd 8e upset and 8e like GRRR GRR I SHOULD SELF-HARM 8ut then i'd have to replay the song i was listening to that just ended, or someone sent me a message and i wanted to reply, or i was like. understimul8ed and impulsively opened tum8lr to check it for the 6th time that hour. and 8y the time i was done with whatever little thing i either was like GRRR IM GONNA SELF HARM -gets distracted again- or was like oh yeah. .......8UT THAT'S SAD I DONT WANNA HURT ME RIGHT NOW THAT'S SOMEONE'S FRIEND :( so id end up just not self harming XD i also think my whole...... emotional deal of 2019 honestly genuinely mightve contri8uted to me stopping, getting distracted for a second to stall me self-harming Once and then it happening over and over and over again was already a huge deal, 8ut i wonder a lot (when i AM thinking a8t self-harm which i dont often lol) if me 8eing so fucking mentally+emotionally occupied with a specific sad thing that i didnt f33l like punishing myself over or like was my fault or whatever it was a very external thing, is what helped stave self-harm off like, mentally. i spent the entire year 8eing sad and upset and hurt 8ut this time it wasn't a8out me and that was new XD

and then i think around early 2020? i was like god this just isn't something i not only dont f33l the drive or n33d to do anymore 8ut that i don't even WANT to do, i don't even get any 8ackwards enjoyment out of going "GRRR I SHOULD SELF HARM I SUCK SO 8AD", when thoughts like that DO pop up they f33l str8 up out of place and uncomforta8le and uncalled for now instead of like. something i'm Deli8er8ly thinking Myself that I'm starting. whenever i was really upset i was just like GOD THIS SUCKS really hard and thatd 8e it and when i WOULD relapse out of like. confused upset frenzy not knowing what else to do it wouldn't even f33l good in the aforementioned 8ackwards enjoyment way it just hurt and i was like. 8ro this just hurts whats the fucking point. have u ever 833n upset and planning to self harm 8ut then you like, stu8 your toe or get a papercut or hit your el8ow on ur desk rlly hard and youre like 8RO WHAT THE FUCK OW and ur 8rain's like isnt that what you wanted and ur like YEAH 8UT NOT LIKE THIS, that's how ALL self harm f33ls to me now 8ut without the. wanting to self harm part it's just a hollow reflex that i remem8er exists sometimes. i'm just like damn there was this massive part of my life that i ran off of and evil8rain tells me will help me get along sometimes so i decide to indulge it and for fucking what? for this? for f33ling guilty and having my arm hurt for the rest of the day??? it just str8 up wasnt and isnt worth it anymore so aside from the Thr33 Times A Year Freakout i am clean and man is existing and having a 8ody way less stressful now that i don't do that anymore XD thank you me i love you me

[bpdeadd]

well I'd assume so since they haven’t deleted the comment nor blocked me so they’re prob trying to bait me to comment n start arguing n then use that as a way to have my account suspended or something/report me idkkk - I'm just sus of other ppl so thats what I'm assuming 🤷🏻‍♀️ lit uwu they have nothing to use against me anyways so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ which i think is obv, as I said, what they’re waiting for 🙄 bc there is no reason for them to say ‘I'm gon screenshot yr comment’ unless its a mild/implied ‘threat’ to report me or w/e bc there is no reason - u can lit just delete my comment n move on.

ughhh I know, tho tbh I think they all expect us to suffer in silence n not say anything to stand up for ourselves bc first of all; how dare we expect to be treated as human beings, and secondly; so they can continue to take out their anger on us/anyone w a cluster b pd n bc the internet told them their abuser was a narcissist/borderline/sociopath or w/e it is, so they feel they have the ‘right’ to - or w/e 🙄🙄 or smth idkkkk I'm just bored of it all but it still pisses me off 🤦🏻‍♀️

its ok<3 I'm fine nw, or better then I was, I usually just distract myself w smth else anyways to calm myself down n keep my mind focused elsewhere, n usually it helps so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I will tyyyy 😭💖💖 yh, well - I'll parrot what they said, back at them tbh ‘you know nothing about my life. back off’ 🤷🏻‍♀️ nor do they know anything about what I've gone through in order to develop the disorders I have, or what other ppl w pds have gone through, nor our experiences and what we have to deal with on a daily basis because of our disorders, they do not understand shit, and tbh how fucking dare they just assume this shit about us, and spread misinformation just to make themselves feel better, by throwing those w serious mental disorders under the bus - go to therapy, rather then be an ass to those who have also experienced trauma/abuse 🙄 just bc we developed a disorder u don’t like 

1/ This persons comment

2/ My response

3/ Their response 

also calling ppl w npd ‘disgusting and repulsive’ so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ and literally saying their abuser was one, oh, were they diagnosed w npd? or are u just armchair diagnosis bc u read shit on the internet about ‘narcissistic abuse’ n just assumed right then n there yr abuser had npd

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ also why r they taking a screenshot????????? to do what? report me? for standing up against ableism???? 😂😂😂😂

WHY DO THEY KEEP SAYING I’M INVALIDATING THEM OR DISCREDITING THEM?? I LITERALLY NEVER SAID IT ANYWHERE ARE THEY MAD???