#but that's why I didn't dye it all 2024 since I meant to get it done professionally! and then I simply did not.

[bedlamsbard]

I am once again thinking wistfully about dyeing my hair.

[vivenciann]

my thoughts on eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

i watched this movie for the first time when i was 18. easily become one of my favorite movie ever since. back then, my thoughts about this movie were "why would you go to Lacuna? if you hate a person, you might as well forget him" "nice plot, storyline, cinematography. like it" "well, maybe it's true that blessed are for the forgetful for they get the better even of their blunders" "wow, blue ruins. gonna dye my hair like this someday"

long story short, one year later i met a boy, fall in love, and broken up 6 years later at the age of 25. and now, i just finished watching this movie again, 2 months after the break up. and are my thoughts about this movie still the same after all this time? hell no. now i'm not thinking about dying my hair in blue ruins anymore, instead i'm still processing because this movie ruins me.

to me the hardest part of moving on is letting go of the memories. those cherished memories will come rushing back to your mind, making it really really hard to just function. and good memories consists of not just the important or significant ones, but also the regular ones, the small but meaningful gestures, the everyday routines that sticks to the both of you—until suddenly you realised a lot of things in your life is related with him in many ways.

on the other day, the bad memories taking turns paying a visit. whispering words of dissapointment, making you remember about the heartbreaks, letting the sadness creeping inside you, making you wonder about the what-ifs—what if you didn't meet him in the first place? what if it ended sooner than this? what if all of this never happened?

and the question pops:

"would you erase your memories of him if Lacuna does exist in this world?"

for me, to love someone is to accept all the consequences, including losing them. and i was once too afraid of it. but to accept the love is to accept the pain, those happy memories in the past were something i cherished, even looking back on it made me feel grateful to have someone i could rely on, someone i could share everything with. and i guess some memories are meant to teach you a lesson, some of it are meant to remind you that you’re loved, that you’re once happy. and i want to remember it. i want to remember those feelings. even if it costs me some pain.

until one day, maybe it won’t hurt as much as it does before.

Tangsel, November 2024