#but that's probs not a good idea given health reasons unfortunately. but maybe sleep deprivation in general will help.

[celestialmancer]

? // 12:45 am, tbd ;

Things aren't easy. Things just aren't easy rn.

& I'm trying hard to stay more positive, to try to keep things to where I'm navigating them solo... But I keep. Finding myself having these repeated instances of, shit I tried to keep buried/repressed & to myself, all because of feeling I'm SUPPOSED to navigate it solo Some of it's just stuff from late last year I'm only just now letting myself process (iykyk) just it ends up coming out rather than staying suppressed anymore, & then bc of that follows this whole feeling of being too much that kicks in after, due to me not being okay

I'm just... Not in a good spot at all. Though I've been trying to still at least navigate shit solo.

& then some other news that's been dropped on me, & then stuff irl that's been going on, just... not helping things.

&... On the other side I'm just... A bit afraid of how therapy will go tomorrow, I guess. Considering we're going to go in detail in full about M & what he did.

& That's... Like metaphorically setting foot again in Kaletu's domain to me, ig, coming face to face with him. As the best way I can put it. Considering what led to me creating that char in the first place. (Not elaborating on this for those who don't know wtf this means other than Kaletu = embodiment of trauma of my own given a form)

...I don't know how things will go with a combo of EMDR + Talk stuff tomorrow that's specifically detailing the things he did to me.

...I Do... at least have it written on a document, though, I guess. Some private ass document where I spend time sometimes writing out things about past... things I've been through, writing out graphic details there, I guess. So I guess if needed I can cross reference that.

...But I know its going to be really overwhelming tomorrow.

I just know it.

& I'm scared about reaching out I guess about this after that session, because like... as much as I would want to reach out I also still have this, I guess, fear of others having to be burdened by my own bullshit. Esp w stuff like this. & Me being afraid that once I start talking I'm going to get into ugly detail or something (...maybe that's just me catastrophizing though bc i tend to be able to keep that to myself but i also have never really. done stuff like this w therapy & talking abt. these things). Idk. I'm not sure. I don't know how intense things will be therapy wise tomorrow so.

I'm just. I don't know.

&, Even now I guess the thought of discussing that is. terrifying. But I know it's needed, I know I have to do this, so...

...

I guess we'll see how it plays out.