#but that's jus what b/jork does to you <3

[razrbomb]

Sleepless nights over homogenic... a drabble.

— IT’S BEEN A WHILE since Reze used the money she earned at her part-time job for her own personal pleasure, &. not only for some basic necessities; a kind patron gave her a very generous tip, unusually generous, giving her enough cash to buy a CD she has wanted for a while. It was the latest release from one of her favorite artists — an Icelandic singer that has earned critical acclaim for her experimental approach to electronic music — an artist she discovered the moment she was granted the freedom to explore the city, on unfamiliar territory, with her first spot being the local record store close to where she worked. She has always dreamed of owning a CD-player, a simple objective that didn’t require much or take long to achieve.

Now in the comfort of her room she lies in bed, getting cozy before she hits ‘play’, shutting her eyes as she gets whisked away by liminal music &. harsh industrial sounds. Shutting her eyes, forgetting, desperately trying to forget, where she currently lie — always aware of the surveillance camera pointed squarely where she slept; always aware of her objective, a reminder to always perform, stripped from any semblance of an authentic self. She exhales, letting out a deep breath, &. she folds her hands over her chest.

For the most part, she enjoyed the record an okay amount — nothing to write home about, having enjoyed previous releases more. Mostly because she failed to completely shut off from the world, cognizant of her current environment, her thoughts, her feelings, the messy tangle of what any of that means as she struggled to put any of that into words, into a cohesive idea in its failure to be expressed. She felt nothing. Completely numb. All this yearning, &. this turned out to be a disappointing purchase.

That is, until the final song. An ode to love. The music begins with a slow crawl, a total quiet, taking its time to truly begin — with sweeping synths &. beautiful harpsichords — before the gentle crooning of the singer takes center stage.

She dives headfirst into the water, crystal blue surrounded by sunlight from above. She holds her breath, but the air bubbles leaves her nose. She can finally breathe. She is at peace. Finally alone.

Then, suddenly, another figure swims towards her, swimming close-by yet unable to reach her. There was not a hint of malice from this figure, nor any threat felt from their presence; so, she is relaxed, curiously watching as she stays afloat beneath the water. But, still, she remains on-guard, guarded with her hands, closed into fists, over her chest. &. Slowly, gradually, this figure begins to take form, a familiar form of a boy. ‘A boy...’  There was no denying the form this figure soon resembled in her mind’s eye. He was happy to find her, a pure ecstasy that cannot be faked or replicated, baring sharp teeth through a toothy grin. He calls out to her, relieved. With great reluctance, fighting with herself, struggling to fight back against these newfound emotions, she relents &. smiles back at him. Genuinely. Swept up by the emotions locked within the vast expanse between her ribs. The song continues to build, buzzing in her ears. A crescendo. A binaural mantra that repeats the truth of this world: All is full of love. She wraps herself around him, her limbs enclosed around him — his waist confined by her legs as her hands rest behind his neck —  the warmth of his skin connected with hers; &. he does the same to her, wrapping his arms over her shoulders. Vulnerable &. bare. His gaze soft without scrutiny, pulling her deeper into their embrace. She never felt attached to anyone; never felt any iota of emotions towards anyone. Until this moment. The longer she stared, falling &. falling, the more she wanted to drown, sinking further as she stared into deep pools of light brown eyes, kind &. reassuring. Her hand brushed his messy bed of blonde hair before pulling him closer, closer, only mere inches apart. A short gap between her breath &. his lips that dared to be closed.

&. Then the song fades. It fades away to nothing. There is nothing.

&. She is alone. Barren. Aware of the vast empty space that surrounds her as her eyes shoot open, grounded back to the reality of her lonesome.

Except Reze is never alone. The blinking red light that stares back at her a reminder of the company she is never truly free from. She turns to her side then, a position she hardly ever, if at all, sleeps in; &. she plays the final song again, transporting herself to a different place, far far away from here.

‘Take me there...’ Beneath the water without the fear of drowning.