#but that aside i love that he rly is just dan and he's comfortable with that

[purpurussy]

everything Dan said about labels in BIG was so extremely real and personal to me and people really gloss over a lot of it sometimes I need to talk about it more about it when I'm not exhausted

[prcserpina]

/

i’m gonna word vomit because i think writing it all out will help. there is a lot! i’m sad or numb most of the time. i desperately wait for the mornings to pass & then it feels like i blink & it’s night. i’m not doing very well at home. whenever i’m home for more than a couple of weeks at a time i feel like i regress back to how i was when i was 15. sad. not very well. i haven’t cried yet. the last time i cried was two days after coming home & it was about kyle. it rly does feel like ur heart is being ripped out of ur fucking chest lol. my mates at **** were wonderful but after about a week nobody really asked if i was doing okay. i think they assumed that because i was going to class & dressing myself in the morning i was fine. i was not fine. i spent the day at the library after we broke up & everyone thought i was mad dedicated to work when in reality i couldn’t deal with being at home & not having him there. every night those next couple of weeks i worked in the library until it closed so i had to spend as little time as possible in a bed where it felt like he should be beside me. i’d been processing & grieving the end of our relationship since the end of december & suddenly march hit & i couldn’t hold him at night & just forget about it for a bit anymore. i know it was worse for him, i know he still (thought he) wanted to be with me. but i think i also know that in a few months he’ll be doing far better without me than he thought he would / i think he’ll move on from me faster than i will him. which almost comforts me because i love him. so i want him to be happy and successful and happy and so fucking happy. i want him to have the best fucking life & i don’t want to be a reason for pain in it. i’ve stopped crying about kyle for now. as soon as my eyes open in the morning i think of him though. i think i must be daydreaming for three or four hours of the day. most of the time i’m thinking back to being with him. it’s almost like i’m intentionally triggering myself. i think i’m afraid of forgetting him. i know i’m terrified of becoming indifferent. loving someone that hard & then - not - is the scariest thing in the world. i know it’s dumb  but i think we both really thought we were. it. for each other. in another life it isn’t this difficult & we know we’re right for each other and five years down the line we go back to where we first watched sunset together & one of us asks the other to marry them. i distinctly remember telling him a couple of months into dating that i could picture him with a little girl on his shoulders & he would be the most wonderful father. i have never seen someone look so in love with a thought before. i don’t think i’ll ever forget the look in his eyes. he kissed me & said “you know if she’s ours i’m somehow gonna love her even more than i love you, right?” & i melted. we get to do all that in this other life. the house, the baby, coming home to each other at the end of the day. we always said we could see each other as endgame but the in-between was fuzzy. so deep down we knew. we spent our entire relationship being afraid of losing each other exactly the way we did. at least we knew.

i want to feel like i’m back in ******* too so i take myself back there in my head. hence the daydreaming for hours at a time. i think about being with elia a lot too. it’s very strange going from being about as intimate as you can be with someone to knowing you’re not going to see them for half a year. i don’t think i can kiss someone & not fall in love. i wonder what it’ll be like in the autumn. i’m kind of hoping that by that point i won’t care enough for it to hurt at all, in case it does, anyway. 100% i care too much about everything & he doesn’t care enough. we both know this. aside from that, i can’t figure him out. i’ve seen about fifteen different sides to him & i have no idea which one is for real. he’s this bizarre mixture of a whole lot of love and a hell of a lot of indifference. i don’t know how much of the latter is a facade & i don’t think i want to know. the plan right now is to stop thinking about him entirely. how, i have no idea. i want to want to work but i don’t want to work. everything feels very meaningless and i’m very tired. i fluctuate between complete indifference and overwhelming anxiety about my degree at the moment. there is so much work to do. there is so so so much to do and it is so fucking difficult and my brain is mush. i haven’t been sleeping. i felt like i was going to throw up all of today. i can’t believe that i have a year left and then uni is over. i cannot comprehend it. it feels like it was last week that i was on ******* hill w dan & rafa & harry & we laughed & drank & ate fruit & lay in the grass until we almost fell asleep in the sun. that was last april or may i think. i miss walking into the kitchen & seeing the old flat there. there was one november night i was depressed out of my mind & got home & opened the door & all ten of us were in the kitchen & there was light and cooking & music & laughter & SO MUCH warmth the tears just melted away. i’m going to be living alone next year. it’s very funny how these things work out. i want another four years, or six. i feel like i wish i could do everything over but also i wouldn’t change a thing. i miss everyone. i’m not sure that i have ever felt  this lonely in my life. i’m hoping this will pass. i would like to be happier again. hopefully soon. everything is temporary / tomorrow will be better. i’m saying that to myself every day.