#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it

[guinevereslancelot]

how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)

[coridallasmultipass]

Very extreme vent personal vent vent vent health, mental health, endo, transphobia, trans erasure, etc.

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF ENDOMETRIOSIS BEING PAINTED AS A 'WOMEN'S ISSUE' SHUT THE FUCK UP. I SHOULD'VE JUST TURNED OFF THE NEWS. I'M FUCKING PANICKING NOW, LIKE.

PEOPLE JUST DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND HOW IMPOSSIBLY DIFFICULT IT IS, AS A TRANS MAN (AND FORMER NB PERSON), TO NOT BE ABLE TO RESEARCH MY OWN CHRONIC ILLNESS, MY SINGLE-LARGEST RECURRING TRAUMA OF MY LIFE.

I can't fucking read anything online about endometriosis without being slapped in the face with 'women have it soooo hard, oh you poor baby are you struggling with infertility? You're a woman, and ferfility is SO IMPORTANT TO YOU IT'S YOUR NUMBER ONE ISSUE WHEN YOU HAVE ENDOMETRIOSIS BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN AND WOMEN MUST BE MOTHERS AND BEING A PARENT IS THE ONLY VALID GOAL IN EVERYONE'S LIFE AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN THEN YOU DON'T MATTER, BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOMAN AND THIS IS A WOMAN'S ISSUE AND WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN WOMAN ONLY WOMEN HAVE THIS AILMENT YOU STUPID FUCKING HYSTERICAL WOMAN YOU NEED TO HAVE CHILDREN YOU FUCKING BREEDER THAT'S ALL YOU WERE MEANT TO DO THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SUFFERING FROM ENDO BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT CHILDREN AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STILL SUFFERING FROM ENDOMETRIOSIS AFTER GETTING HYSTERECTOMY TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A WEAK AND FRAIL WOMAN NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOU'RE A MAN, YOUR WOMAN DISEASE WILL OUT YOU EVERY TIME SO ENJOY YOUR PINK WOMAN PILLS YOU'RE FORCED TO TAKE TO SUPPRESS YOUR DISEASE - YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE IT BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING WOMAN.'

I hate it so much. There's no cure, and treatments have been failing me. The pink pills have been helping, but I keep having to increase my dose. I'm also at my limit for how long I'm able to take them before I have to stop - depending on the results of a bone scan I have later this week. If my bone scan comes back as showing the effects of being on the pink pills for years, then my doctor is gonna cut me off (lowkey, she's already cut me off twice, for dumb reasons, and I had to take from my reserve of lower dose pills to fill in the couple days of waiting in between refills). Which means it's basically guaranteed that I'm going to be suffering more endo flare ups. And they'll try to push me to get surgery for it, even though that's only a bandaid temporary fix. There's no cure, and no guarantees that it will ever stop, even when I'm old. I genuinely don't believe I will survive the next one. Because there WILL be a next one. But I can't go through with that again.

The last one was 15 full days of level 10 pain. Pain so bad I couldn't drink water to take Advil with it, I kept puking it up the moment I swallowed anything. I'd never puked from pain until after my hysterectomy, so it feels like I'm being punished for wanting a permanent method of removing a large chunk of the endo tissue from my body. Now it's everywhere, still inside me. I could get endo in my fucking brain if continues to spread, because it can go ANYWHERE, even if it's an unlikely and rare location.

And having a uterus was my biggest source of both body and gender dysphoria (not even a vagina, just the uterus!!) I'm certain I had endometriosis from my first period at age 11. I wasn't diagnosed till I was like 26. That's 15 years of trauma I endured every month, being gaslit by everyone around me that it was normal to feel like that. And it kept happening after that, too. The whole while, I knew with 100% certainty I never wanted children (even when I was a little kid, I idealized adoption more than birth kids, but I don't have any interest in raising anyone but animals now). And I knew that I wanted a hysterectomy, because I have an extreme phobia of that, and it's only in recent years that I've been able to stomach even seeing media with p.... pregnant people in it.

I wish I'd realized I was trans sooner, because then I would've been able to put a name to the horror that it strikes within me. (And it's only human p... pregnancy that causes me fear. Xeno fanfic ovi, etc, have shown me that I'm fine with obviously fantasy egg stuff, and in fact, I like it. But humans? No. I have a hard time even saying the word.)

And now, when trying to research my options, or even just watch a fucking news segment about a disease that I have, I have to be reminded about how people with my dgab are supposed to prioritize having children, and how it's a women's issue, and it makes me want to fucking disembowel myself to get rid of the phantom uterus that is still traumatizing me. I have literal, bloody pictures of my uterus outside my body. I have 'pieces' of my uterus (pathology slides) framed on my wall like a game trophy. And it's still fucking haunting me like damn hydra that can't be slain. The hydra is seeing their own head on the wall and they're coming back to attack me in revenge.

I don't know how I managed it, but I did manage to eradicate hydras from my aquarium a while back. There's a way. Persistence. But if I can't take my meds persistently, then I have no hope. Surgery is like cutting a hydra in two. That's what it felt like when endo came back after my hysto. It's literally microscopic, I don't think surgery can even help in theory!! Let alone in practise... I can't even say that giving me a new body and putting my brain in it would eradicate the endo. Because it can grow anywhere. It could be in my spine making my back injury and fibromyalgia worse. It could be in my brain, making me messed up as I am these days.

I have yet to find a doctor that genuinely wants to help me for any of my issues, they always pass me off to someone else because I'm not an easy case. (Well, strike that, the doctor who advocated for me to help me get my hysto helped me, but he moved practise, and IDK if he would take my insurance again if I go there instead. He's not even an endo specialist so like lol. I live in the worst part of Cali to be needing so many specialists. This area is for healthy rich people only, who have easily treated problems.)

It's also incredibly hard to advocate for myself when I start panicking every time I have to talk about this!! It's so traumatic!! I don't have anyone who can help advocate for me, either!! And it's not safe for me to come out of the closet, either!!

I'm sick and tired and sick of trans people being erased. Why is it so insurmountable of an ask to use gender neutral language?? Fuck you. Fuck your 'women's issues' bullshit. Fuck everyone who keeps telling people with endo to have kids. Fuck you all. I fucking hate this stupid fucking world. There is no love for living humans. Only for potential humans. There is no love for trans men and gender nonconforming people. Only beautiful soft precious women who they need to have children. There is no love for traumatized people. Only for exemplary victims.

It literally costs NOTHING to use gender neutral language, and they're all choosing violence.

Pray for me that my arthritic bones look nice and dense this week. I'd seriously rather break a bone than go through a single endo flare up ever again. I would rather break every single bone in my body. I would rather 'delete my account' than go through another flare up.

People seriously don't understand how dangerous endo is, not necessarily because of the damage it does physically, but the damage it does mentally. I always thought period pain was level 10, so every other pain number I give people had to be weighted against that, even if I couldn't fucking walk. Then the endo flare ups after my hysto put that shit to shame. New level 10 was like level 15 in comparison. So now I'm weighting things against that, and then having to readjust for what the doctors expectations might be, since they probably don't expect people to be weighting pain against a level 15 scaled down to 10. I will legit be experiencing pain and not even registering it, because my pain scale is so skewed, not to mention how fibro makes my pain response delayed by like 2 days. (As in, I do a mildly painful activity, then 2 days later experience it 3x worse as an ache in response to experiencing pain.)

And so I'm dealing with all of that, ON TOP OF GENDER DYSPHORIA I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT, IN AN INCREASINGLY HOSTILE COUNTRY THAT WANTS PEOPLE LIKE ME DEAD.

Bring back gender neutral language as a goal. Please. I'm staying ignorant to health information my doctors don't have time to discuss with me, because I can't research on my own, due to the combination of dysphoria and PTSD about the flare ups. It's miserable, and I'm only surviving because I'm staying distracted. And because my middle fingers still work.