#but once someone starts judging fic because of an inclusion of something like this

[ophidion]

It hurts my heart to see the hate that you and other authors have been getting! But most of all you after that horrible "Society scandal"!! You're so talented and doesn't deserve this!

I usually use anon here because english is not my mother language, but this whole situation has pissed me off so much that I felt like not hiding!!! That is the same reason why I sometimes don't leave comments on fics (trying to change that!), because there's so much I want to say that sometimes words escape me (also the corrector (is that the word?) tests my patience!) and since I don't have such a deep knowledge of canon I can't do these in-dept reviews that I wish I could, and I feel like only leaving something like 'amazing', 'so good' is not enough to express how much I loved the chapter!!

Also wanna say this weekend I'm gonna read beacon again! Because there are no words to describe my love for it!

Sending you all my love!!❤❤

Please never feel like you need to hide again!! This made me smile and warmed my heart as I am *also* re-reading beacon and getting back into the swing of things of writing the behemoth that it is.

I hope you know even the smallest comment is appreciated. but you coming in here means the world. thank you so so much and while unfortunately whoever decided to write that decided to tag me as a character, I'm by far not the only person to get hate. or to deserve people coming just to my works.

i myself am behind on reading but my biggest thing is--hey every author deserves a right to be here. toss them a kudos, throw them a comment saying I really loved this!! not just me. especially not just me. i try to be as inclusive as possible and get so excited to chat with other writers whenever they decide to reach out to me. and sometimes. yes, I'm in their DMs being like, we are going to be friends.

everyone is doing their best in the world. we all probably would get judged for loving something so nerdy, which is why I'm tried to come to this space with warmth, friendliness and kindness. so go out there and give maybe a new writer some love. maybe someone doesn't have a lot of kudos, a lot of comments, but its the most vulnerable thing to be putting one's work out there into the world.

(it's my goal to start doing the same once i get a handle on this next chapter :))

[vkelleyart]

Thoughts on fandom: inclusion and engagement.

(Art credit to the kindhearted @penpanoply​!)

There’s been some stuff floating around on Tumblr about strife in the CO/WS fandom, and though I haven’t been explicitly named-dropped on anything public, my DMs have been... active. lol Rather than rehash what’s been said already, I just want to impart a little wisdom and perspective in the hopes it may soothe frayed feelings and offer a way ahead for cultivating a respectful community. As someone who has been an active participant in online fandoms since the mid-’90s, which was the advent of online fandom content creation (shout out to my fellow X-Philes!), and who has also spent a chunk of her professional life managing social media for the federal government and for activist groups, I can promise you it’s all gonna be okay.

Here’s some context for why strife happens and what we can do to create a more inclusive and communicative fandom environment. 

1) It sounds cliché, but fandoms go through growing pains. 

In the case of the Simon Snow fandom, what was once a small and cozy space untouched by cataclysmic events (such as the release of *gasp* a sequel) has grown exponentially in a relatively short amount of time following the release of Wayward Son. Newcomers are eager to find a home in this space at the same time as folks who’ve been here a while may be consciously or unconsciously wary about widening their circle, and It’s important to remember that this is not necessarily an expression of bad behavior on either side but just human psychology doing its thing. 

The byproduct, however, is that tension and stress builds over time from the lack of meaningful communication across the divide, which subsequently fuels misunderstandings. Ironically, the interfaces we use to communicate don’t help with this because any existing communication about the tension happens in tiny vacuums until a trigger goes off and bad feelings go public. 

Way Ahead: These moments of destabilization are opportunities to see where we can be more self aware about how we engage with fandom and the kind of community we want to be. Can you promote, support, or befriend someone trying to gain a foothold? If yes, please do! Each person must reach their own decision about what they can do within the confines of their available energy, health, and time, but a little self awareness goes a long way as long as you’re honest with yourself and others if applicable about what you can contribute. Anyone who judges you for it isn’t worth the strife.

2) In a fandom comprised of vulnerable/marginalized people, it’s more accurate to say that cliques are “bubbles of trust.”

This one's important. Just by nature of the source material, the CO/WS fandom includes fans with a wide array of backgrounds and experiences, especially when it comes to those who identify with the characters’ queerness, mental illness, and/or trauma. I really believe––based on individual conversations/group chats––that the difficult lived experiences that so many of our fandom peers have endured has produced one of the most open, aware, and accepting fandoms I’ve had the pleasure of participating in. Our vulnerability is, in a real way, our strength.

That said, a community of survivors also has the side effect of cultivating small circles of engagement that I call “bubbles of trust.” When you’re a survivor of abuse, marginalization, mental illness, fill-in-the-blank, it’s often quite hard to risk casting a wide net and expanding your circle to include new faces––which can subsequently be internalized by equally sensitive and vulnerable newcomers as rejection, judgement, or inadequacy.

Way Ahead: First of all, there may indeed be gatekeeping and exclusion going on. But before internalizing someone’s cagey behavior as gatekeeping or purposely exclusionary, ask yourself if you have all the information. Many people are private (I include myself in this assessment) because life has regrettably taught them to be this way, and so they may insulate themselves to a small group of people who have earned their trust. Some people might also triggered by certain content (case in point: smut triggers my anxiety) so they don’t engage with it. Others might have something in their pasts that define how they handle certain subjects (for example, a person of color should not be tone policed for getting angry when confronted with a racialized microagression, however accidental it was). You just don’t know what you don’t know. 

The solution here is to regularly check your privilege and ask questions in a private space if you sense you’re being treated unfairly by someone. If you go public with your grievances in hopes of mobilizing the mob, you may accidentally find yourself stepping into the role of the aggressor instead of the victim.

3) Social Media is not built to help you get engagement. It’s built to help itself make money off of you.

Repeat after me: Hits/likes are not a measurable indicator of talent or worth. There are ridiculously talented folks on Tumblr and elsewhere who, for whatever reason, haven’t had their viral moment, and it’s not their fault. Loads of factors come into play where things like likes, reblogs, and comments are concerned, among them being posting frequency, subject matter, the time of day, the day of the week, the week of the month, the month of the year, the current administration, the stock exchange, the concentration of middle class users, who just won the Superbowl, a madman trying to steal an election and undermine the democratic process, a PANDEMIC, do you get where I’m going with this?? lol

At the end of the day, my humble successes have been helped along by good luck, good timing, high profile signal boosters, and an absurd amount of work. (This is why I try to signal boost new work whenever I get a chance over at @vkelleyshares.) 

So while you cannot control Tumblr’s interface, trends at large, or your fellow users, here’s what you can do to ensure you give your work the best possible chance of exposure.

Have an image ready to go with your post. Tumblr is a visual platform (no matter what it says about being good for text). Not good with images? Set up a Canva.com account and get access to free graphic software with a gazillion templates to create whatever attractive image you want to attach to your post.

Keep the outward facing text brief and easy on the eyes. Too long and eyes will glaze over. Put excess text behind a “read more.”

You may think you’re being cute when you do this, but don’t put yourself down in your posts. (Don’t put yourself down in general, of course.) Doing so acts as engagement repellant. If you don’t believe in your work, no one else will.

Related: Be your best cheerleader. Confidence is a magnet, and if you don’t have it, go ahead and fake it until you start to convince yourself you are worth the buzz. So promote yourself! You have gifts that only you can impart. Use that knowledge to fuel everything you do from your art/fiction writing to your outreach with other content creators, and by golly, if someone’s done it already, acknowledge that contribution and then tell the world that this is YOUR unique take on it.

Treat your fellow fandom creators as human beings, not art/fiction/content boosting machines. I cannot count how many times I’ve had folks slide into my DMs with offers of friendship only to disappear once they realize I’m not available to draw a picture for their fic. It hurts because it’s manipulative and it makes me want to hole up and not signal boost anyone. Creators who truly support each other will not give off a transactional vibe. I want to help you reach more people, but not if that’s all I’m good for in your eyes. 

The long and short of it: Lead with compassion, do your best with the opportunities at  your disposal, and remember that fandom belongs to everyone in it. ❤️

What saves a fandom made of sensitive and vulnerable souls from imploding when it goes through growing pains is radical compassion from those who can offer it. Begin with the assumption that your fellow fandomers are not trying to harm you, and wade into the water knowing that your insight into the lives of your peers is limited by default and you may need to temper your words or actions accordingly. If you’re a content creator, save compassion for yourself as well, as there are indeed challenges to gaining an audience, and lack of engagement does not mean you lack talent or skill. Be your best advocate, and if you have the bandwidth to lift up a fellow creator and make a new friend, please, go ahead do it! 

And finally, fandom belongs to everyone, and no one has a monopoly on characters, tropes, or themes. Create and consume what you love (with respect for your more vulnerable peers), and bask in the variety, my friends!

That’s all I’ve got in my head at the moment, although I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting. Thanks so much to @penpanoply for letting me use her art for this and to everyone else, hang in there and try not to judge each other too harshly. These are unprecedented times, and most of us are doing our best in circumstances that are pushing us to our limits. 

As always, if you have questions or want to sound off on anything, shoot me a message or an ask, or ping me on Discord. It might take me a second to respond (thanks, Covid) but I’ll get to it! Love, love, and more love to all.

[aobakukkii]

Wanna hold hands?

Bokuto x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warnings: Bad jokes

Male Reader

Word Count: 1748

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You shouldn't have to worry about this. You shouldn't act like a 12 year old walking next to his first crush... Wait were your feelings actually much different?  

Anyway Bokuto and you decided to go to a Christmas Market together to fulfill some foodie dreams of yours and only a few minutes separated you from your date destination. Well it wasn't one officially, but this couldn't stop you from dreaming, because all hope for not hopelessly pining on the owl boy was gone for a long time. So it was only natural to indulge in your feelings.

Bokuto and you first met on a mutual friends hang out in a park many months ago. Just after you arrived however, your friend who came a bit earlier soon volunteered for the "Oh f*ck we don't have anything... Let's get some drinks!" group mission to the nearest supermarket which left you awkwardly standing at the sidelines. Two small groups had already formed, involved in whatever topic they were talking about and you being to shy to disturb anyone just played with your phone for awhile. At least until a guy way too big to go unnoticed plopped up besides you.  

"Hey you're friends with f/n aren't ya? My name is Koutarou."

You just nodded for the first statement "I'm y/n" you quietly responded.  

"Oh cool where did you meet them?"  

Introducing yourself was normally an incredibly awkward situation, but somehow it felt natural with this guy. He kept a flow of conversation, getting to know your daily responsibilities and hobbies among other things. It didn't feel forced or like he just wanted someone to yak at or anything, he kept everything on a level that made you feel comfortable although you barely knew him, except for the few things he mentioned like his huge interest in volleyball.

The spiky haired boy was genuinely interested in anything you told him and even hyped some of your interests as well.

With him you were more or less smoothly introduced back into the (luckily) small group he left earlier and despite the fact that you felt uncomfortable with all the attention of the others in the beginning, his huge presence while talking quickly took this burden away from you. For socializing with new people, it was an incredibly alright experience.  

As it turned dark he offered you to join them go and play video games at his place and even if you would have normally declined such a request from new people, "Yes" felt just right.

Looking back at it now, the massive amount of praise you received from Bokuto for your skill made the decision even better. Especially when the praise came from a guy who would deserve the title pro himself.

In general Bokuto became your hype man in no time. You could just breath and he would still be like "Yas that's my boy!".  

This wasn't anything special in particular, he was supportive of the people around him and especially his friends, but to you his intensity towards felt special. He made you feel special. And now you wanted to be his special one and make him feel just as special and happy as he made you.

However you were worried that you misread his kindness towards you. Because he really treated everyone that he liked amazing, that's just the kind of person he is. This big chunk of love called Bokuto's heart is the reason why you fell for him, but it was also was where all your anxieties came from.  

Back to the present at hand, Bokuto's hand was what you were drawn to in particular. You never wanted to grab anything that badly in your life. The thought of holding his hand made you all giddy.  

Focusing on it was another challenge you had to face, since that guy swung his arms around a lot when he was excited to go somewhere, which happened quite often. Luckily, he was focused on the story he was telling you and looking at the illuminations so your starring went unnoticed.  

That until one of his swings touched your arm and more importantly, your hand.  

"Oh sorry I wasn't paying attention" Bokuto laughed. He stopped his movements and slowed down his step a bit.  

"It's fine" you giggled to hide your massive inner panic. His hand just touched yours!  

"Hey hey hey we should focus more on the lights there! You see those around the tree over there? They remind me of your eyes bro."

You just hummed and mumbled a silent "thanks" in response, being blessed with the chance to look towards the lights on your right to hide your face from him.  

Stuff like this wasn't usually included in the all-inclusive hype man package for you. And it made your cheeks heat up even more than his usual compliments. In the past Bokuto loved to tell you that you were cute, saying that you're shy reaction to the compliment just made you even cuter.  

Honestly Bokuto crossed the line to teasing hype man a long time ago and threw really flattering stuff at you like spikes at the opponent in a game whenever he felt like it, but this was a first. He never said anything directly about your looks. In fact you never heard him point out anyone's looks like that. You heard "handsome" and "pretty", but never something specific.  

"I mean it, I never saw someone whose eyes were sparkling like yours."  

This was straight up flirting at this point.  

You hid your face behind your hand, still looking away.  

"Kou seriously stop it."  

"Can't help it if it's true."  

You knew Bokuto was good in reading you, but you thought your crush and the insecurities with it were a secret. At least until now. This setting, this compliment, the smooth delivery. You were maybe anxious about the topic of love, but not that dense. This was his sign that you were special to him.  

He did his part, so now it was time to do something yourself.  

A mix of the compliments' confidence boost, your newfound view on his feelings and the still present panic and shyness robbing you of the ability to think or act like a normal human being, you drew the most genius conclusion you had in a while. If you swing your arm a bit and touch his hand again and again, he might read you once again and notice your wish to hold hands and you guys can live happily ever after.  

"100% risk free strategy dude" you thought to yourself.  

A comfortable silence was in the air as you continued your walk. You could already see the market, but it was still far enough away to be heard clearly. Bokuto was admiring the view around you, the illuminations being his favorite part of each December.  

You tried to give it a shot. You slightly swung your arm and hit his hand with yours, so slightly that it just seemed like something that would happen normally.

Bokuto didn't react in the slightest and you were not sure if he even noticed it, but you weren't giving up just yet. Your childish tactic deserved some testing before being discarded. So you did it again with the same force and the same result. Time to step up your game.  

You planned on a slightly increased force for the next one, which your body executed as "Tackle that hand like it's a Rattata." A now fainted Rattata at that, because Bokuto suddenly stopped walking and looked directly at your face. You had just enough time to conclude that you can't read his expression at all before avoiding your face. Your mind worked on a quick list on of how often you should apologize for this awkward moment, hoping that he would interpret it as a mistake. Judging by his face and the awkward pause right now however, he noticed what you were going for, which was honestly impressive from this stupid plan. You really wanted to apologize right away, hoping that the embarrassing gesture didn't ruin your chances with him.  

Before you could say a word however, you saw a big hand around yours. You couldn't possibly believe your eyes, if not for the squeeze you felt and a small motion upwards, bringing your face to a happy and slightly pink Bokuto.  

"Geez all I wanted was a small confirmation from you before starting anything, but I didn't think you would be the type to go all the way" he said his voice although more quiet than his usual one still matched the grin on his face. "You could have asked as well you know?"  

"I just... Didn't feel like it?" you laughed between your words, being overwhelmed by the sudden confession.

Bokuto quickly pulled you to the side of the street, not wanting to accidentally block the path of anyone else right now and to give the two of you a tiny bit of more privacy.

"Y/n I really wanted to confess to you for a long long time, but I didn't dare to say anything before I could be sure that you were interested." He started rocking your arms slightly.

"When I have my moods and try to hide from the world, you're the first to come to seek me and pull me back up again. When I'm loud, you're the one who listens to my rambling anyway. I discovered so many cool games and shows thanks to you and, most importantly, I can count on you whenever I'm at my low and my highs. You make me feel special y/n, and I really didn't want to destroy that without a clear sign of you feeling the same way."

The rocking stops as he slowly starts to stroke your hand with his thumb.

"This wasn't the one I expected, but again that makes you special. Just like you make me feel." he chuckled. "Man I can't really explain it, can I just show you?"

His unoccupied hand pressed against you back, pulling you closer to his body. You were glad that he took the lead from here on because you were complete lost in the moment. He bent down to capture your lips with his. It was bit clumsy due to your excitement, but still sweet and it definitely showed what Bokuto intended.

You pulled away with flushed faces, both unable to hide your smile.

"This is what I had in mind"

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AN: So this completely self-indulgent fic is actually based on two dreams I had. When I already dream like in Fan-fictions, I might as well write them.  

Feedback would be highly appreciated. Thank you for reading ❤️

[bomberqueen17]

I'm honestly surprised EBB is going to allow a story like that since one of their mods thinks writing underage fic is a felony.

 Two factors to consider here-- one is that the new tack that suddenly started getting talked about after I made my post about how I wasn’t comfortable participating in the exchange is that all of those “you can’t write this” rules only meant “too graphically”, which had not been said before that (I went and looked, here’s the post, I wasn’t misreading, it literally didn’t say that) but me not psychically knowing that was what they meant is apparently “spreading misinformation”,  y’know? So there are all kinds of wildly subjective things that likely are being assumed that “everyone knows to be true” about this, and one is probably something along the lines of it not counting as too explicit if it’s something condemned in the narrative, right? (I don’t know that, I’m guessing, because like all of this from the beginning, you have to know to know.) So it comes down to your intentions and whether the mods think you’re into it, basically. I guess.

I mean-- the guidelines as clarified in this post mentioned “no underage” twice-- once in the “not too graphic” category, and once in the “depictions not allowed” category, so I guess what you have to do is read the mods’ minds and figure out which of those two places they really meant to put it, and if your intentions are pure and you’re vibing on their wavelength already, you’ll get it right and your fic will be Allowed.

The other factor is that this anon may just have been trying to wind me up and isn’t actually writing a spitefic based on my outline (with bonus horrors I never imagined), so. I have other things to do so probably won’t exactly have the attention span to spare to look out for what actually does get posted in that exchange, but it could be a good exercise for someone with nothing better to do. When the fics from that exchange get posted up, see how many people found a way to write underage in an Acceptable way. It’s not an exercise I care for at all, and again, I do not have that kind of attention span, I’m really not just saying that. (But really, if someone wants to write a spitefic based on my outline, go for it, with my blessing; I’m not exactly worried about my ideas being stolen, here. A writer’s ideas are not what makes her good.)

Anyway. I remain astonished that anyone could blame me for declining to participate in an event that moves the goalposts all the goddamned time. They’ve significantly changed the guidelines since I wrote my post about it, and seem upset that I didn’t ask directly first, except I did and they assumed that was an attack, so there’s no way I could have participated without having been their friend first. Like-- it genuinely seems that’s the only way to get a question or clarification answered, is to have gone through a friend and figured out how to gently ask so nobody was upset. It’s all in-group fuckery I lack the social aptitude for, and it just stings that they’re claiming this is the “most inclusive” way to do it. (I’ve never been one of the cool kids and have never known the unspoken rules, so this is nothing new; it’s certainly not the first time something has been billed for “everybody” but I’ve been driven off with a sneer, so. I mean. I know what’s up, here, and I suppose I’m not surprised by it.)

Isn’t the point of a fandom event to like... share your love of the canon, and bond together over the things you all enjoy, and explore new outlets of your creativity, and such? The point is to build community and enjoy this hobby together.

I can post anything I want to my own AO3 anytime I want, and do, and have a wonderful readership I enjoy greatly, and I can just allow the story to dictate to me what has to happen. Why the everloving fuck would I sign up for drama? Why would I sign on to have some moderator judge by the latest Cool Kid Criteria whether my fic is pure enough to be posted? Why would I do this? There’s nothing to be gained except a great deal of aggravation, as has now been proven over and over.

So anyway I’ve just submitted my entry to F&S and if the one with the succubus turns out not to fit into any of the prompt shapes I’ll just have to bake a second cake, and might anyway-- they’re allowing treats, after all. They’ve been communicative and haven’t changed their rules at all and also their rules make sense given the canon, so. No, I don’t need to participate in exchanges, but I had been thinking it’d be a nice way to get through these dark times that have been exceptionally dark for me lately.

If you’re reading this and are baffled by all the drama, please join F&S and write me some hurt-comfort or draw me a pretty picture, I’d love something to look forward to. You don’t have to join a Discord server and cozy up to find out what their rules actually mean; they’re just using the normal ones, like AO3 does, and you can keep yourself safe by respecting the tags, like the grown-ups have been doing for years now. Signups are open until February 14th.

[manggojooz]

Lights

I just saw your appreciation post now but thank you so much!

I thought really hard about what song would be best for a fic and settled on Lights by BTS with either Jimin, Yoongi or Namjoon!

I’ve been having a Hell of a time working at the movie theater and waiting for my laptop to get fixed so I can properly begin writing again and been stressing super hard about college and a kpop school I’ll be going to in my 2nd or 3rd semester but this song just really resonated me; as did your post. It really made me smile lovely thank you so much for the inclusion!

Your writing is always such a treat to read and Take My Hands Now will probably always be in my top fics. Love you and keep doing what you do best- being you! 😘 -Sheridan

—

A/N: @sevenincubistolemyheart thanks so much for sending this Sheridan! What kind of kpop school are you going to? I saw that you got your laptop back! I hope you get to start writing again and doing what makes you happy =) even if there is a lot of stress it will all be worth it one day~ fighting! 

BTW it’s my first time writing a total supernatural au kind of thing, I hope it’s not too bad xD just posting the first draft coz I’m excited… will edit later kekek and so sorry the read more function is not working on my phone… 

English lyrics taken from here

Pairing: Jimin x reader 

Word count: 2.6k approx

Genre: supernatural au; psychopomp/reaper!Jimin; part angst part romance; i would consider it a happy ending (y)  

Warnings: mentions of death, references to suicide; all non-explicit though

—

You lay on your bed in the brightness of the morning sun that filtered in through the glass window etched into the slanted roof. This was the 154th Sunday you spent without him. 

Your phone buzzes next to you, there was no point checking it anymore. The only calls or messages you received were spam anyway. You should probably get some breakfast, but you let yourself lie in bed for a little longer, making up the excuse that the sun rays were too warm to walk away from. 

You tossed around and planted your face into the pillow, a gush of sourness running through the veins in your eyelids. Will he ever return to you? 

♫ “Sunday, when I can’t answer any calls or texts I’m not in the mood for anything Though not very often, I feel sick of it I feel a little helpless right now” ♫

—

You walked down the long spiraling stairs and out of the antiquated front door. You took a few steps back before looking up, the whiteness of the roof reflected the sunlight and made the tower look like it was glowing. 

“You are a lighthouse to me. But when I am not here, I wish you would be a lighthouse to whoever may need it”, his words resounded in the air. With that reminder, you trotted down the grayish path on top of the breakwater, heading towards the rocky coastline. 

In the time he has not been around, you had saved 29 people, pulling them from the icy water, just like he had done for you. 

♫ “But I still feel like I can save someone I hear your voice Within the noise, time stops We are connected by sound” ♫

—

Although it had been many years ago, that night remains vivid in your mind. You had closed your eyes, not wanting to see this world any more. Night times were the worst. In the darkness, the lights from each house, the light from each star, made each of them stand out more. Even as you were submerged in this darkness, the lights refracted through it. As if they were mocking you, the sole blackhole that did not allow brightness to exist. 

But the magic of light is this - even when you closed your eyes, it finds a way in, it penetrates through and it reaches you. 

“It’s not your time yet”, his voice was the most angelic. He has watched you for almost a year, month after month, and today he had been worried that it would be the last time. 

“Who are you?”, you coughed, hair and clothes all soaked. 

“Someone who is breaking the rules for you…”, he sits down next to you, the waves crashing into the rocks below. 

♫ “When I close my eyes In the darkness, your light  Lights the way for me We can walk forward without fear, you & I” ♫

—

His name is Jimin, and he’s been around for a long time, longer than he could remember. His sole purpose was to guide the souls lost at sea to the afterlife. It was a harrowing job at first, but as time went by, he gradually became desensitised. But you made him feel again.  

They only get to stay away from the sea one day in a month, and he had told you to wait for him in this lighthouse if you wanted to meet him again. This was his lighthouse, nobody else could enter, it helps him find the shore when he gets too tired or when everything becomes too disorienting. Even though it was unbelievable, even though you were somewhat afraid, you still waited and met him, that month, the next month, the month after. He was like the lighthouse keeping you away from hitting the rocks and drowning. 

“Why did you save me that night?”, you leaned against his shoulders comfortably snuggled in his embrace as you both sat on the bed. He was looking at the night sky through the glass roof, beams of light pulsing rhythmically towards the sea. 

“Because your soul was too bright”, he answered and you wondered if it was ironic since you had felt like your soul was hurting so much. He kisses your forehead gently, “thank you for being here, for being my lighthouse. Now I see the light so much better out at sea, because I know you are here, waiting for me.” 

♫ “You’re my light you’re my light Always shine into my heart You’re my light you’re my light No matter how far apart we are Your light shines on me” ♫

—

He tirelessly went back to sea the day after, flying with wings wider than an albatross. His wings were clipped on one side, and you had once asked him why. He told you there are souls who are kind, there are souls who are hurting, and there are souls who are evil. He was never to judge any of them, he only had to take them to the afterlife. But even then, he was often hurt by them. Even when people die, their souls don’t change much it seems. 

“Is it wrong if I say I love you?”, you hugged him before he left again, wanting to hold on to him just a little longer. 

“Love should never be wrong, Y/N. If it can be wrong then I guess I will be the first to be punished…”, he replied with a sadness in his eyes. His slender fingers pushes your hair away from your eyes, the sea breeze chilly, but his embrace always warm.  

♫ “All the angels who know pain Flying on damaged wings through the night Every time I’m thinking about love Every time I’m thinking about love” ♫

—

What kind of punishment does a person in love deserve? 154 Sundays of loneliness? 154 weeks of longing? And counting… 

You walked around shore the whole day, scanning around to see if there was anyone nearby. You put on your headphones as the sky turned darker and the first song which came on was too bright, so you skipped it and the next one too, until you reached one that was sorrowful enough. 

♫ “I don’t wanna listen to just happy songs I’ll face my loneliness, color my life Losing and gaining, but I’m still searching for something today” ♫

—

Why was this song so sorrowful? Was it the lyrics? Was it the tune? Or was it because he once sang it to you in his soft mellow voice? 

The things you used to think about flood back to you again. They nibble at your soul again. The darker the night grew, the darker the voices became. You crouched down, breathes short and fast, hands clutching the part of your chest where your heart rests beneath. It hurts so much, how do people endure such darkness? 

“I’m your light”, the lyrics of the song chants, and it was as if you could hear his voice singing it to you. You cannot give up. He said he can see the light better because you were there, you wouldn’t want him to lose the only light he has in the darkness either. 

♫ “Yeah I believe that things will change No one is perfect Even this moment has its own meaning And we are connected by sound” ♫

—

You continued walking down the coastline, that was when you see her struggling in the water. You ran into the freezing water without a second thought as she loses consciousness. Diving into the sea, you looked around for her but the water was pitch dark around you and there was an intense fear within you. 

The salty seawater was starting to sting your eyes and you closed them momentarily. When you opened your eyes again, one of the rotating beams from the tower flashes right into the water further away from you and finally you spot her floating there. 

You swam across as fast as you could and dragged her back to shore. 

♫ “When you close your eyes In the darkness, my light  Lights the way for you Let’s walk forward without fear, you & I” ♫

—

You wrapped her in the blankets and let her take the bed. She was shivering the whole night but you nursed her well with hot water bottles, warm milk and medicine.

As she finally went to sleep, you look up at the flashing light, thanking it. For keeping you alive, for keeping her alive. 

♫ “I’m your light I’m your light Always shine into your heart I’m your light I’m your light No matter how far apart we are Your light shines on me”♫

—

You didn’t sleep at all that night. This was the 30th person you saved. Some of them went in by accident, some of them regretted that they attempted, some of them unrepentant and you could only wonder if they will look for other ways.

But you learnt one thing. You weren’t alone after all, life wasn’t only mean to you. If darkness was a diseases, then light is probably the cure. The question was how do we find our cure? For each person it must be a different path, or perhaps, the cure finds us sometimes. 

You thought you had found yours, but you never knew that it was so elusive. Was he afraid to come back because you had fallen in love with him? He belongs, quite literally, in an entirely different world from you after all. The flashes of light overhead reminded you of why you were here. 

If not for him, you would have left this world a long time ago, without ever experiencing what it was like to be loved. Until the day he says it to you himself, until the day he tells you to leave, you will willingly stay here as his lighthouse. 

♫ “I never thought there’d be a sleepless night Turns out they weren’t lies And it made me get stronger What is love? If there’s an answer, I wanna know right now I’m breaking down I can see there’s light inside” ♫

—

Her name was Lucy, she lost her job and her boyfriend left her for another girl. 

“They always say we decide what it means to be happy”, she sobbed as you were making her breakfast the next morning, “and I had decided. It was my dream to marry him and have a family… and I was happy just being the team manager at my company. I had decided what makes me happy. But then… what’s the point… it’s all lies…” 

Sometimes when we settle down in happiness, life throws a curve ball and wrecks everything. “These are just growing pains”, “everything will pass”, “you will find happiness in other things”, you were often consoled in this way too. 

But you knew better than that, some things are just irreplaceable. 

“Hold it in your heart then, the darkness that is the happiness taken away from you”, you sat opposite her, handing her a plate of toast. 

“If you can’t let it go then keep it there. The more darkness you hold, the more precious you will find the light to be”, you continued. 

The people who lost the most are also the ones who treasure what they have the most. 

♫ “Dawn will come to the darkest of nights Overcome, even the future We won’t stop from now on Decide for yourself what it means to be happy Every day, take a step to grow up” ♫

—

A week passes and Lucy stayed with you. You two would walk along the shore every day, she even tried fishing one day, although she only ended up getting angry that none of the fishes were taking her bait. 

“Are you waiting for someone here?”, she asks you suddenly over dinner. 

“No… I just stay here alone”

“I know what it’s like to be waiting for someone you love. You don’t have to hide it… I can sense it whenever you look out at the sea. I hope he comes back soon”, her eyes looked straight into yours, just like a torch shining right in. 

♫ “But it’s okay sometimes To show weakness It’s okay to be you Don’t lie to yourself any more Everything connects by sound” ♫

—

“I think it’s time for me to leave, I should go now”, Lucy beams at you and waved. 

You smiled back at her and told her to be careful on her way. 

“If you are going to keep staying here, maybe you should fix the light…”, she suggests candidly. 

“What do you mean? The light is not spoilt, don’t you see it flashing every night?”, you frowned in befuddlement. 

“Really? I thought it wasn’t working, I didn’t see anything at all”, she became even more puzzled and you grew increasingly concerned. 

♫ “When I close my eyes In the darkness, your light  Lights the way for me We can walk forward without fear, you & I” ♫

—

You stood at the junction where the breakwater meets the shore. The sun was setting, and on cue, the lights flashes from the roof of the white tower. Lucy couldn’t see the lights? Why? You felt a chill down your spine and looked around. 

The air was as still as the impending night but you spotted a man standing halfway on the breakwater. How? You didn’t see anyone walking down the breakwater and you are standing right here at the entrance. 

“Sir, can I help you?”, you walked up to the man who looked rather aged. 

He chuckles softly, the sounds rolling in his chest, before saying, “Sometimes it is the other person that needs help. Maybe I could help you with something?” 

You were so confused but you decided what’s the harm of just asking him one question first, “Hmmm… do you perhaps see the lights from this lighthouse?”

“Do you?”, he asks cryptically.  

“I do… I see it every night”, you answered. 

“And what do you think the lights mean?”

You did not answer, and he smiles knowingly at you. 

“So long as the lights keep flashing, it means that he is alive. Don’t worry about that, just keep doing what you do now and he will come back”, he discloses. 

“Who- wait… you mean… are you talking about Jimin?”, your eyes widen. “Do you know him? Where is he now? Tell me please…”, you begged him. 

“You can’t go to where he is now… he is receiving his punishment, just like you are”, he answers. 

“What for? I… is it because of me?”, you voice began to shake. 

“It is because of you… he should have sent you on, but he broke the rules. Now he is being punished. So, all the more, keep his post well and wait for him. That’s all I’m here to say”, he casually instructed you. 

“What am I supposed to do? How long will he take to come back? What if I can’t wait until then? And I can’t possibly do what he does…”, you quibbled, reminding him of your mortal limitations. 

“Why wouldn’t you be able to? You have already been doing a little of his job for a while now”, he looked up at the lighthouse, “… and why do you think you can see the light but other people can’t?” 

♫“You’re my light you’re my light Always shine into my heart You’re my light you’re my light No matter how far apart we are Your light shines on me” ♫

—

You still had no idea when Jimin would come back. But you will wait for him, so long as the light flashes every night. 

And now you understand, you were not a light that was saving lives, you were only saving souls. 

♫“How far apart we are Your light shines on me”♫

[villa-kulla]

Could you do an author commentary for "Arcadia In Asphalt," especially the scene where Billy catches Goodnight in the bathroom and is afraid he's going to try using needles?

omg first off: a) I have no idea how long this has been sitting in my askbox, so I’m so sorry for what has probably been a ridiculously long wait! I promise I wasn’t ignoring this lovely ask, and b) thanks so much and for sure! I love these things:)

(side note: I’m actually not nuts about how this scene turned out, and I could never put my finger on why. It has everything I wanted it to include, but I’m not convinced I nailed the emotions I was going for. I was also worried it had too much potential to feel melodramatic. But this scene has had such a lovely response so I’m pleased you asked!) Read on!

*

“One hit, you’ll be flying.”

They were the words of a man who looked like he spent more time crashing than flying, cheeks gaunt, arms scabbed.

“You chase the dragon?”

I actually first learned this expression from the Steely Dan song ‘Time Out of Mind’, which is about drug use, and I thought it was a very evocative turn of phrase (that’s also one of my favourite Steely Dan songs haha, I highly recommend it:P)

Goodnight shook his head while he washed his hands in a cracked sink. The water was freezing. In the bathroom the music from the bar was muffled, guitar twanging, gravelly blues being sung without affectation into a mic that was just slightly pitchy.

Did this come off right?? I feel like I can picture the sound of bar music from a bathroom exactly, but getting that particular sound onto the page is another story

“Why not? Pure pleasure, man. Nothing but peace.”

Peace is patriotic. Americans want peace. Make love not war.

This scene is the only time in this fic I use whatever-this-literary-method-is-called. It kind of comes out of nowhere but I feel like the newness of it adds to the tension and uncertainty of the scene

Goodnight’s eyes were dragged up to the mirror, looking at the man in the open stall behind him. He was clothed, sitting on the toilet, holding up a lighter underneath a bubbling spoon. His eyes were utterly fixed on its contents. He flicked off the lighter and looked down.

I find the ‘He was clothed’ part awkward, but every time I just wrote 'he was sitting on the toilet’ it made it seem like he was actually going to the toilet with the door open haha so I erred on the side of caution

“Ah fuck…I forgot to…hey man. Yeah. Come help me.”

Goodnight froze, looked back down into the sink but the man had already seen him looking.

Despite living a rough life, I feel like Goody in this is still quite soft and sheltered in a way, and though he must see a lot unsavoury activity it still jolts him and makes him nervous

“Help me out, man, pick up that belt.”

Goodnight turned slowly. He moved towards the belt as though in a trance. Just following orders.

I like that 'Just following orders’ because it’s economical but hopefully still makes the reader think broadly. I didn’t want to delve too deeply into Goody’s soldier past for this fic, but I like the suggestion of its long-term affects here

“Tie it tight.”

The lighting in the bathroom was harsh, garish, the bulbs in the ceiling whining. But the tip of the needle shone unassumingly in the glare, deep silver glowing soft. Goodnight stared.

Was Goody really tempted by the needle? That’s for the reader to decide I guess. Personally I think he’s more shocked than tempted here. I don’t really think he would have done anything this time, but the idea and the inviting image of the needle might have stuck with him

“Thanks, man. Give you a chance after.”

Give peace a chance.

Goodnight was suddenly wrenched back. He whirled around and saw Billy, face white, eyes black, mouth a thin line. He was vibrating in rage.

There’s a quote from a Patrick Rothfuss book I like that says wise people should always fear “the anger of a gentle man” and Billy getting furious sounds absolutely terrifying

“Get the hell out.”

Goodnight felt himself swell up, angry and defensive, feeling caught out but not sure why.

I think Goody’s reaction to Billy coming in was where I struggled to express the emotions he was having. I was going for a baseline reaction of 'kid with his hand in the cookie jar’ but with adult themes of trauma, guilt, mixed in and eesh this is around where I started doubting how well it was coming off

“You can’t –”

“Out.”

Billy grabbed him by the arm and hauled him out of the bathroom, dragging through the loud bar, Goodnight only throwing his arms off once they were on the street outside.

realistically I feel that if Billy had tried to drag Goody out in this state, I doubt Goody would have let him. I feel like they would have had a struggle in the bathroom before Billy stormed out and Goody followed him. That’s what I think would have happened, buttttt I had to get them moving, so pacing took the priority lol

“What the hell, Billy?” Goodnight yelled, full of anger at Billy thinking he could just come in there and act like he knew what Goodnight was thinking, judging him for nothing.

Billy stalked back to their motel down the street, Goodnight following him, hurling abuse against Billy’s ramrod straight back:

“Like you’re so perfect? You smoke more reefers than I do, for chrissakes. And you’re the one who got us blow that time in Reno. And even if I did want to try that shit in there, that doesn’t mean you get to judge me for it. Hell, maybe I should take it up anyways. You already think I’m interested, already think that much of me, might as well make it official. And –”

I hope I struck the right tone with his ranting here. He’s offended by Billy’s assumptions but knows deep down it’s for a good reason so he wants Billy to feel guilty too, and he’s being annoyingly rational as a smokescreen for the real heart of the matter. DID ANY OF THAT COME THROUGH AT ALL? God this scene was hard lol

He was being obnoxious in his self-righteousness, overly defensive he knew, but he couldn’t stop. He kept it up all the way back to their motel, Billy walking ahead of him, shoulders stiff. And when they got inside, Billy was slamming Goodnight back up against the door.

“Don’t you ever put that shit in you,” Billy yelled at him, eyes burning, hands shaking in anger. Goodnight was too shocked to respond.

I hope this part took everyone off guard, not just Goody. I don’t see it as Billy being 'violent’ towards him, but he’s not messing around in trying to drive his point home

“That what you want to be? Huh? Some junkie in a bathroom looking for his veins? Asking strangers to help ‘cause he has nobody else left?”

Goodnight had never seen Billy so enraged.

“I was just –”

Billy slammed his fist on the door beside Goodnight’s head.

“Dammit, Goody, if you ever touch a needle I will leave you! You understand me? I will leave you.”

I see Billy as someone with a very strict moral code, which is why he couldn’t ride out of Rose Creek despite loving Goody. And although he loves Goodnight here too, he still means it when he says he’d leave. There’s not much Billy wouldn’t sacrifice for Goody, but I think Billy values himself and that there are some lines Billy just won’t cross with himself.

His hair was wild, his chest was heaving, and his eyes were burning in anger. Goodnight felt his throat constrict and he shoved Billy off him, going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him before Billy could see his face crumple.

Dude I’d burst out crying if Billy ever yelled at me too

He sat curled up in the shower, eyes pressed against his knees. It was freezing but the water was on full blast while hot, silent tears burned out of his eyes and he took in shallow gasps.

Let’s be real, can anyone actually linger in a cold shower? But the poetic side of me wanted the 'hot tears/cold water’ contrast lol

When he came out again he was freezing, sober and ashamed. Billy was lying on the duvet in the dark room, facing the wall, still awake. Goodnight hesitated and climbed in behind him, reaching out to touch Billy’s shoulder

I feel like they can never stay in a fight for long, and fortunately I’m emotionally incapable of keeping them in a fight too!

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice low, plaintive. “I didn’t mean…any of that.”

Billy stirred and rolled over, and Goodnight didn’t know if his face would be fixed in a snarl, a glare, or worst of all, ice. What he wasn’t expecting was Billy’s eyes to be red-rimmed as though he’d been crying.

HONEY. I take 'fearless Billy Rocks’ and raise you 'Billy Rocks actually has a lot of fears’. I love that boy so. And he loves Goody and I think seeing Goody looking at the needle scared the absolute life out of him

“Sweetheart,” Goodnight said shocked, voice catching. He pulled Billy towards him, wrapping his arms around him.

I consider it my sacred duty to have Goodnight call Billy 'Sweetheart’ in as many fics as I possibly can

“Please don’t do anything with needles,” Billy whispered against his chest.

honeyyyyy. Writing vulnerable Billy just breaks my heart sometimes

“I won’t, I swear –”

“I know I…I know I was the one who suggested we try some of that other stuff,” Billy said, voice small, hoarse, anguished. “But…please don’t do anything with needles.”

BILLY FEELS SO GUILTY, AND IF GOODNIGHT EVER GOT INTO HARDER DRUGS BILLY WOULD HAVE BLAMED HIMSELF ENTIRELY, HONEYYYYYYY

And Goodnight realized Billy had never been angry. He was petrified.

“I wouldn’t have,” Goodnight said, almost sure it was true.

It was true this time, but I felt the 'almost’ was a pretty significant and necessary inclusion

“You just hear more and more things every day about sharing needles, and I can’t lose you, and –”

I don’t think I ever fully decided if this fic took place in the 70s or the 80s, and as such I’m not sure if it lines up with the AIDS crisis, but let’s say that the first whispers are going around

Goodnight rubbed his back, and Billy tilted his head to look at him.

“And if you ever got something, I would get it too. Understand?”

Shame and self-loathing rose like bile in Goodnight’s throat. It made him sick to his stomach that the thought had never even entered his head.

Goody probably knows/accepts he can be careless with himself, but unfortunately that makes it hard to tell when he’s being careless with Billy too, something he’ll definitely feel guilty about for a while

“I promise,” he said, holding Billy tight, and Billy’s hands ran over Goodnight’s skin. Billy’s skin. Their skin.

This is of course a callback to the tattoo scene where they consider their skin the same skin. It wasn’t planned but it immediately seemed to be a fitting callback, and I like how it ties the two scenes together and makes them very different sides of the same coin

Thanks so much for asking!

[leonawriter]

I think something that has to be kept in mind when writing a Sephiroth who is what some authors categorise as ‘sane’ - i.e.; not believing in a worldview that is heavily tinted with Jenova’s input, inclusive of ‘I hate everything and the world should burn’, ‘despair is a great thing and you should try it out, Cloud’, and ‘I am either the last Ancient and all humans are disgusting or Jenova’s vessel and humans are disgusting and I think I’m gonna destroy this world and rule another as its god’ - is that, well...

He’s still the same person?

He doesn’t stop being the person who, Jenova’s influence or not, thought those were perfectly fine ideas at the time.

No amount of ‘it was Jenova’s fault’ or ‘but he isn't murderous now’ will erase the fact that what caused his mental state to become vulnerable was that he literally started to hate completely everything because of how he’d been treated, the complete lack of support system he had in the end, and what was probably a innumerable number of frustrations and things that had made him feel angry and outraged at Shinra, and lose faith in the world in general, for years.

This. This is not someone who would come to and look at somewhere he did something, and go “what was I thinking?!”. He’s way more likely to look, feel shaken and maybe somewhat sick, and go “I thought that was a good idea at the time. I remember thinking that was a good idea at the time. I remember thinking it was good, and now I don’t, and I feel disgusted with myself.” Or even, “Is it wrong, and will these people trying to help me, feel distrustful of me if I say that I don’t regret this one thing I did during that time, because I would do it again?”

The last one is in response to certain events that happen perhaps earlier on, such as how Sephiroth’s first action upon commandeering a part of Jenova had been to kill President Shinra. Or, how at one point he kills a Midgar Zolom, which is a monster, and I can see there being some confusion, because... what’s the right reaction for something like this? Pride in his abilities, or... not, simply because of the influence he was under at the time? 

I can well imagine that if the death of President Shinra was brought up, other people might come out with how they aren’t actually all that sorry for the old man getting killed like that. He’d know how to deal with feeling the need to apologise and atone for things, but the idea that something barely even registers as ‘wrong’ to these people would be... strange, and he wouldn’t necessarily know how to react or respond to that.

But like... back on topic, I think that the anger and resentment from before, it would definitely not vanish.

Like... yeah, I can make an argument for the ‘Woobie Destroyer Of Worlds’ trope, but. That’s only looking at things from a complete outsider’s point of view, and someone who has absolutely no attachment to the other characters, at that. 

If nothing else, no matter how much anyone might not want to hear it, anyone approaching Sephiroth after any sort of ‘true resurrection’ would have to earn his trust just as much as he would have to earn theirs. It wouldn’t be pretty. 

There would probably be a lot of times when his temper would flare up? And people would take it as ‘were we really that stupid?’, and yet actually, what’s happening isn’t Jenova’s leftover influence so much as that this guy’s been through shit. He’s had the only two friends (and support system) he ever had betray him, and the last one of which a) he saw Zack trying to stop him after he’d burned down Nibelheim as another betrayal, even though he’d see it differently in a clearer mindset, and b) fought and tried/nearly did kill the guy. 

He was probably brought up by Hojo and associated scientists, so... his idea of ‘what I am comfortable with doing and/or happening to me’ is probably really fucked up. Boundaries? What are they? He might have times where he practically lets everyone do with him as they wish, and others where he’s so damn completely contrary they want to strangle him back into the lifestream.

His idea of how to control emotions comes from that time too, and is a mixture of - as I see it - being nurtured into this sense of ‘only do or express something if it’s practical to the situation at hand’, ‘Hojo will be unhappy if he hears that I am doing this’, and the sense of military responsibility that came with being a child soldier on a campaign at the age of twelve. So those temper flares? He’s testing his boundaries and limitations of what is okay and what isn’t, and he is going to get ugly frustrated and angry at the fact that he probably, in most likelihood, can’t stay as calm or level-headed as he’d like.

Because... and here’s the thing. 

PTSD, and if you don’t write a returned/functional Sephiroth as having PTSD then I am judging you, is not always just guilt, survivor’s guilt, anime atonement, and flashbacks.

It’s a trigger being any damn thing it wants to be, and at the worst times, because that thing made you capable of dealing with, or comfortable at a time your mind is trying to forget, and the fact that it made you feel okay doesn’t matter, it’s a strong tie, and it’s going to bring up trauma.

It’s sometimes having issues with other people who have similar problems, and god, why am I like this, because you know you’re being unreasonable but you can’t stop it. Projecting that if you can deal with this, then they should push their issues down or act in a way that suits you, rather than them. Or, perhaps, being angry with yourself that you can’t be functional, so you take it out on other people anyway.

It’s thinking you’re okay, and then the next moment things have gone to shit and you’ve frozen up and it’s only later when you realise why.

And many, many other things.

All of which would be really hard for someone like Sephiroth, who is used to the idea of being the perfect weapon - for Shinra, for Jenova - and now isn’t. He’d have this view of himself that starts to crack, first slowly and then all at once, and he’d have to be rebuilding himself from pretty much the ground up, since all of his ideas of who he was are now up in smoke. (SOLDIER? SOLDIER is gone. The Wutai war is over, and the Wutaians actually have more respect than Midgardians in some places. Jenova? Gone, and good riddance, when he doesn’t miss the sense of permanence and purpose. And so many more things were just lies.)

So.... yeah. I’ve only done one fic where he comes back after any period of time, but it’s with a lot of these things in mind, rather than the idea that he was purely taken over, and he’s really quite prickly, with a dark sense of humour. After all, as I’ve seen someone say recently, ‘it’s gallows humour when you’re the one on the gallows.’