#but never not once ever in the Bible (that I am aware of and hence invitation to discourse) is a man told to forsake his WIFE

[cultivating-wildflowers]

...

[vivithefolle]

Love isn’t a Deus Ex Machina thing, it’s literally the core theme of the series, hence why Love Magic exists

Love Magic is never a concept at any time in the series. It’s only about “Lily Potter’s spell”. But what’s so special about Lily Potter? What’s so great about her? She did the thing any halfway decent mother would do for their child: she gave her life for them. Molly would’ve done it for any of her sons. Narcissa would have done it for Draco. Mrs Granger the nonentity would have done it for her daughter had she not been lobotomized instead. Lily Potter’s sacrifice isn’t anything special. It’s only special because Rowling decided so, because the Plot needed it to be.

Love isn’t a Deus Ex Machina thing? Then how come Quirrel conveniently burned to death at Harry’s hands? How come Harry had to live at Privet Drive because reasons so he could be abused so naive readers like you could feel very sorry for the poor widdle orphan and pat themselves on the back because wow, aren’t you special for feeling sorry for the poor widdle orphan?

And I didn’t misunderstand Harry. I literally explained him to you

If you don’t like him, I don’t care. Just stop giving his uniqueness to other characters

And you literally showed me exactly why you don’t understand him.

Harry’s superpower isn’t teh special uniqueness of his luuuurve, or the absolute pure pureness of his heart, it’s that he has FRIENDS. Friends who’d die for him, friends who’d sacrifice themselves for him, friends who’d do anything for him. THAT’S the power of love, not some bullshit ~special pure pureness of the heart of Harry Christ our lord and savior~. Harry isn’’t unfailingly kind or uniquely loving or whatever the shit. Harry is a run-of-the-mill teenager who has such obscene luck I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he was conceived under the influence of Lucky Potion.

You just showed me you’re a member of the Church of Harry Christ and I’m not interested in joining. Dear God I thought I was too attached to fictional characters but wow am I glad I’m not at your level.

Also one more thing: “tortured” someone?

Sure. A painful stunner is DEF torture (that’s legit all his Crucio did; it acted as a painful stunner. It threw Carrow backwards and hurt him while it did. Crucio isn’t even close to that when performed properly)

............ you... you fucking little hypocrite.

You filthy, lying, little bitch cunt of a fucking hypocrite.

Remember when I said the next person who’d try to lie to me to pity poor wee widdle Hawwy would be sorry? You pathetic little piece of shit. If you’re so in luuurve with your precious cuntfuck of a camera archetype you’d accept EVERYTHING about him, wouldn’t you? Haha, but noooo. “Oh wee poor Hawwy only used a painful stunner :)))))))” you fucking little bitch. Oh you accuse ME of trying to “make Hawwy not special :(((” but you... YOU... Hahahaha sorry everyone. I have a slight aversion to people blatantly trying to gaslight me. You may find me getting a little bit angry if you happen to trod on this trigger of mine.

Let’s see that again shall we? Open your eyes and your chakras, bitch, we’re going for a ride.

“It’s not a case of what you’ll permit, Minerva McGonagall. You time’s over. It’s us what’s in charge here now, and you’ll back me up or you’ll pay the price.” And he spat in her face. Harry pulled the Cloak off himself, raised his wand, and said, “You shouldn’t have done that.” As Amycus spun around, Harry shouted, “Crucio!” The Death Eater was lifted off his feet. He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain, and then, with a crunch and a shattering of glass, he smashed into the front of a bookcase and crumpled, insensible, to the floor. “I see what Bellatrix meant,” said Harry, the blood thundering through his brain, “you need to really mean it.” - Deathly Hallows

If I could reach through my screen to force you to look at the relevant bits, I would. And I’d also slap you in passing. Yknow, just so you think twice before being a stinking fucking hypocrite again in the future.

Now, let’s do some actual literary analysis that isn’t your ~wah hawwy puwe of heawt luuurrrve~ diarrhea you’re still trying to paint my poor innocent blog with.

Now let’s see that PaInFuL sTuNnEr in detail:

He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain 

In bold so you can see it very well. Admire the curve of each letter, the angles and the lines. And most of all, interpret the meaning of each and every word. Watch how he’s compared to “a drowning man”, do you know how excruciatingly painful and distressing it is to drown? How the air fills your lungs as you claw desperately for the surface, trying to find something to cling to, anything, the feeling of your lungs filling with this foreign substance you cannot spit back out? The feeling of fading away as all your oxygen is consumed by the futility of your hopeless flailing, your muscles losing their strength, your panic dulling as you slip into unconsciousness and water claims yet another victim...

Of course, drowning people don’t thrash and howl in pain. Because all they’re focused on is trying to BREATHE. But Amycus’ focus isn’t on trying to breathe. Amycus is only focus on Harry’s Crucio and the pain it’s bringing him.

But sure Anon. A pAiNfUl StUnNeR. Fuck you.

and then, with a crunch and a shattering of glass 

Now I’m aware Dummywood has made you believe that glass can be traversed easy without any consequences but real glass doesn’t work like that. Real glass takes some force to shatter. Real glass shatters into hundreds of tiny pieces that embed themselves into your flesh and skin, kinda like... oh! Kinda like that glass chandelier that fell on Hermione, once. After she herself was Crucio’d if I remember well. Hmm, by whom exactly, I have it on the tip of my tongue...

“I see what Bellatrix meant,” 

Ah yes. By the woman who tortured to insanity Neville’s parents and whom Harry is literally acknowledging as having taught him this particular lesson.

Harry himself is TELLING US HE LISTENED TO BELLATRIX’S ADVICE. ON FUCKING TORTURING PEOPLE. But “a PaInFuL sTuNnEr He’S aN oRpHaN :’‘‘(((((”. Fuck off. Fuck off, Anon. Fuck off and learn to fucking read.

Ah but I got ahead of myself! We’re not even CLOSE to the point!

he smashed into the front of a bookcase and crumpled, insensible, to the floor 

So Amycus gets tortured - or, as Anon astutely put it, pAiNfUl StUnNeR - smashes through a sheet of glass, and gets knocked out.

Hmm. Now if Harry just took out a knife and brought it to Carrow’s neck, he’d be worthy of being called Bellatrix’s faithful apprentice.

And now I’m gonna quote one of my Quora answers again because my followers deserve better than to see me completely lose my mind at some anonymous cowardly cunt trying to lie to my fucking face.

On the topic of Harry’s Crucios:

This could mean that Harry is scarily proficient at casting Crucio, that Amycus has low pain tolerance or that he was knocked out when he fell, but regardless of the meaning, IT’S NOT GOOD. EVEN IF IT’S A DEATH EATER, EVEN IF HE PROBABLY DESERVES COMEUPPANCE - IT’S NOT HARRY’S JOB TO GIVE OUT SAID COMEUPPANCE.

(Like, can I please remind everyone that Harry is supposed to be the Jesus Christ of his story? In the Bible we never have Jesus Christ torturing the pharisees or any of those who didn’t believe in him. Just… you’re telling me Jesus “Peace and Love” Christ would torture people… what the hell, Joanne?)

“I see what Bellatrix meant,” said Harry, the blood thundering through his brain, “you need to really mean it.”

…………………….. Um. Harry, what the fuck are you doing???! He’s taken Bellatrix’s advice! He actually relates to the insane sadistic terrorist! He is capable of using a curse that literally requires sadism to work!

(Again, when someone tells me “Jesus Christ”, “sadism” isn’t the first word that would come to my mind.)

At least there’s some sort of reaction. “the blood thundering through his brain”. But that’s a very… nondescriptive reaction. Is it the “adrenaline pumping in my veins” blood? Is it the “holy shit what have I done” blood? Is it the “I could get used to this” blood?

We don’t know. We’ll never know.

Alright, skipping to the part that interests us -

She struggled to pull herself together. “Potter, that was foolish!”

Eh, I’d have said “tactically unsound” (what if Amycus wasn’t knocked out), “monstrous” (that’s Bellatrix’s favourite curse you’re using, Harry), “insane” (re: Bellatrix), but yeah, I guess “foolish” would also cover it.

“He spat at you,” said Harry.

Ever heard of Disproportionate Retribution, Harry? A few fascists regimes all over the world were especially fond of it.

Then I’m skipping over the one thing that causes the most outrage because I’ll go back to it soon, just let me finish with this:

“[…] but don’t you realize — ?” “Yeah, I do,” Harry assured her. Somehow her panic steadied him.

I guess we can imagine that McGee is saying “don’t you realize what you’ve just done?”

Harry “assures” her he realizes. Harry knows. Harry has just used the literal goddamn Torture Curse and he’s totally cool with it. Or, if he was uncool with it, now he’s cool with it. Because “her panic steadied him”. So seeing McGonagall panic makes Harry think “yeah, using Crucio was the right thing to do”.

Well then! Onwards then, Dark Lord Potter! First it’s just one Crucio, then it’s just three, then it’s just one little murder of one lowly little naysayer, then it’s only a little more murder…

And now we’ll go back a smidge, because how are we supposed to react?

How are we supposed to reconcile the idea of Harry, who’s supposed to save us all through his Power of Love, with the Harry that has just tortured a man into inconsciousness?

Even if that man was a Death Eater, Harry is supposed to be the Christ-like figure. He’s supposed to be love and forgiveness incarnate. Heck, not a hundred pages later he’ll offer forgiveness to freaking Voldemort! He forgives Draco Malfoy, he forgives Albus Dumbledore, he forgives Severus Snape!

So how do we reconcile Harry Potter The Forgiver with Harry Potter The Torturer? Tell us, O Author! Tell us how to navigate the murky, twisted depths of human morality!!

“Potter, I — that was very — very gallant of you — […]”

…

…………………

………………………………………………

That was… gallant?

Gallant?

Wait, doesn’t gallantry imply some form of honor?

As in, not taking your opponent by surprise -

Harry pulled the Cloak off himself, raised his wand…

As in, facing your opponent head-on instead of hitting them in the back -

As Amycus spun around, Harry shouted…

As in, not torturing your opponent???

He writhed through the air like a drowning man, thrashing and howling in pain

That’s… unless the definition has changed, nothing about this is gallant…

Let me just -

(of a man) polite and kind towards women, especially when in public

showing no fear of dangerous or difficult things

Alright, so, Amycus isn’t a woman, so Harry can’t, by definition, be “gallant” to him.

Still, being “polite and kind” to a woman didn’t involve “torturing someone who disrespected her”, last time I checked. Punching an asshole harrassing her, definitely *pats Ron*, but torturing that asshole… no, just no.

And well, I guess casting Cruciatus is a difficult thing to do… and Harry didn’t seem very afraid to do it… that’s not supposed to be a good thing, but apparently, now it is…?

What made that

As Amycus spun around, Harry shouted, “Crucio!”

more gallant than

“What else did you take, what else? ANSWER ME! CRUCIO!”

After all, they’re the exact same thing. Torture. Inflicting tremendous pain upon someone for the heck of it.

Why do people lose their heads over Harry using Crucio, when they seem to neglect the fact that Draco Malfoy cast it?

Well, easy enough - Draco Malfoy is an evil little cockroach. The guy wished death upon people, he bragged about the fact that his Daddy dearest was a terrorist who killed people. It’s not too surprising that an evil little cockroach like him would find it acceptable to torture someone he considers “not human”, isn’t it?

What’s more surprising however, is that the hero, Harry Potter, who has been subjected to the Torture Curse, whose only use of the Torture Curse previously was when he felt distress and pain unlike any other, that Harry Potter whom is supposed to be a hero and some sort of role model, would actually manage to use said Torture Curse even though it requires real sadism to actually work.

And what’s even worse is that Harry Potter casts that curse, that literal Torture Curse, and instead of being rightly horrified, instead of being terrified by the boy’s use of such a heinous spell, instead of saying “alright Harry, you’re not doing this again, ever, right?”, instead…

Instead McGonagall calls Harry “gallant”, instead of telling him off for using such a curse. She briefly calls him “foolish”, but it doesn’t register, really, since she ends up calling him “gallant”.

That’s what angers people. That the Torture Curse is the most horrible, awful thing you can do to people… unless you’re Harry Potter, in which case it is a little “foolish”, but mostly “gallant”.

......................

But of course, little Anon over here isn’t angered. Because little Anon is a faithful devoted member of the Church of Harry Christ Our Lord And Saviour. Little Anon can say enormities like A pAiNfUl StUnNeR and believe it with the whole force of their little Anon heart, because uwu Hawwy speshul orphan pure lurve uwu.

Little Anon, please get the fuck out of my blog and never, ever come back. I’m sure this arrangement will be beneficial for everyone involved.

[jungcity]

bane of the devil. | viii

genre: vampire!jaehyun [angst | fluff | smut]

pairings: jaehyun x female reader

words: 5.9k

warning: bane of the devil deals with themes of deaths, physical, mental, and sexual abuse as well as toxic relationships. which may be upsetting for some readers. you are advised not to continue if you feel uncomfortable to these types of plots.

“she is made of

bruises of the past,

of bullets made from flames.

she could rattle the skies

and shake the stars.

perhaps you have

missed the wolf

underneath her skin.

but she wasn’t made

to cower under your gun.

she wasn’t the hunter,

and she wasn’t the prey.

she is the enemy of the

demons who does

not deserve mercy.”

— bane of the devil, viii

A smiling Rhianon was who greeted you as you shut the door close behind you. With your heart still thundering against your chest by the little display Jaehyun had shown, you sauntered up to your own bed. Your body slightly bouncing by the impact of it on the soft mattress. The room was painted with darkness, with only Rhianon’s lamp providing the light.

“I couldn’t believe it! You really are friends with a vampire? How?” She looked so excited that she seemed to jump. Her glasses caught the glint of the lamp beside her table. Its yellow light touching half of Rhianon’s face.

You smiled shyly towards her, not bothering to light your own lamp. A thick tome rests on her bed, its pages splayed. Similar to the light of the lamp, its pages were also tinge with yellow; a sign that the book had seen better days.

“Yes. It was the most unexpected happening of my life, believe me.” Then a merry yet controlled chuckle escaped your lips. Jaehyun’s unfortunate state in front of your doorstep sinking back in your mind. “What is that?” Veering the conversation from you, you’ve decided to point your finger towards the thick book laying on her bed.

Rhianon followed your finger, until her own eyes landed on the thick tome. She grabbed and placed it on her lap. “Book of Enchantments and Magic,” she pronounced while trailing her fingers over the embossed title. “What a simple title for a powerful book.” Then she puffed a sigh.

Rhianon held the book on its edges, showing you a better view of its golden title. By the light, the cover gave off a crimson color. Dents and scratches could be found on its surface. A further sign that the book is, indeed, old.

“I didn’t know you’re interested in those kinds of books.” You smiled at her. The bookshelf located at the corner of the room must’ve been full of books about enchantments.

“Oh, I am interested. Deeply.” Rhianon ran her hand on the book’s cover, before placing it on her bedside table. “Ever since I was a kid, I’ve been devouring all of these books. I swear, I already have memorized every single one of these pages. That’s why I have poor eyesight.” She shrugged, pointing her finger at her eyes.

Suddenly, and as if meant to be brought up, you remembered Rhianon’s reason of joining the Academy. She stated it’s because of Madame. The pieces weren’t that hard to put back together. Madame is a witch. Rhianon have a whole bookshelf containing of books about magic and enchantments.

“Are you a witch?” You hadn’t meant the words to come out bluntly, but they had. Rhianon spared you an indecipherable glance. If she ever looked affronted, you would never know. She concealed her reaction to the question quite well.

“No,” she replied rather laconically. Her throat bobbed against the light. A sign that she could be lying. “Just a practitioner,” she added.

Then she carried the book towards her bookshelf, placed it between the other books and came back to her bed. A heavy aura weighed in between you. Instantly, you’ve regretted your blunt question.

“I’m sorry for asking, Rhianon. It’s not my intention to offend you.”

Rhianon blinked. This time, her face had given clear emotions. And that is a look of surprise. “No, Y/N. You’ve not offended me. It’s just that—” She bit her lower lip, before sighing.

“It’s okay! You don’t need to tell me if you aren’t comfortable,” you stated, holding up your hand as if in surrender.

“I joined to become closer to Madame,” she sighed, before laying her whole back on the bed. “I think it’s stupid. But I still believe that she would help me understand magic.” Her gaze drifted towards the ceiling.

The bed invited you to lay down, and lay down you did. “I think it’s not stupid at all. Mortals could possess magic, too.” You turned on your side and smiled at her.

Rhianon returned the smile, her eyes gleaming in the lamplight. “You think so?”

You nodded, the drowsiness pulling you down. Your eyes blinked in a languid manner. “Yes.” A yawn had escaped from your lips, but you fought it to get the question out of your mouth. “You said you joined for Madame. I now understand that it’s because of this. But, has she ever paid you any attention at all? To teach you magic?”

You truly hoped that you had not broached a sensitive topic. But your curiosity had the best of you. If ever Jaehyun’s instinctive doubts of Madame were true, the least you could do was to gather enough informations from students who had been inside this Academy longer than you were.

A flicker of sadness passed through Rhianon’s face as she turned her head towards you. By that, you already know the answer. Nonetheless, her mouth moved. “No. She said I should earn her trust, first. Which is funny, because I’ve been here for two years.”

Two years? That is a long time for someone who only joined this school for Madame’s magical teachings.

You clamped your mouth shut. The best way to earn a useful information is to listen. Specially when the person you were conversing with seemed to combust with all the suppressed words she had kept to herself.

“Two years of letting Eva break my bones. Two years of those leafy and rancid greens at the canteen. The only thing that’s stopping me from running away is the hope that she would, eventually, spare me a glance. And of course, Lucas’ smile.” She giggled like a high-school girl at the end of the sentence.

Of course. Lucas. Who wouldn’t fall for that ethereal face? Those eyes, and those luscious lips like freshly plucked cherries. Yet as you think about the good qualities of Lucas, the image of a dimpled-guy with pale complexion and eyes like the pit of the universe— so enticing, so enigmatic— couldn’t help but flash in your mind like a movie scene. The kiss that the same guy gave your head earlier sending tingling sensation all throughout your body.

“Yes. Lucas’ smile,” you repeated, with Jaehyun’s face etched on the very surface of your mind.

Rhianon started to snore, a sign that your roommate had already fallen into slumber. You whispered a silent good night before closing your eyes and joining her to dreamlands.

—

Red silk gown. Red lips. Red fingernails. Red bottoms. The crimson color seemed to overwhelm Alena’s appearance tonight. Her dark marble floors shone brightly, with the help of the prodigious chandeliers hanging on the roofs of her mansion.

This home. So expansive. So marvelous. Yet so empty. The silence was almost deafening. And Alena had never felt so alone. With a flick of her wrist, a vampire appeared from behind her. Ready to hear her words. Ready to obey.

She could feel her power threading through the most minuscule of her veins as she walked through the long table located at the very center of this separate hall. The vampire silently trailed behind her.

Everything was black; the chairs, the long table, the pillars adorning every corner of the room. Save for the crimson curtains that covers the floor-to-ceiling window panes. She darted her eyes at the chair that resembles that of a throne sitting at the very head of the table. She sat on it like how a queen would. Because in this town, she is.

“Sicheng,” she pronounced the words with enough carnality to make the boy salivate. “Pour me some wine.” And by wine she meant human blood, with a drop of honey to make it much sweeter. After all, not all human blood was as sweet as her taste buds would penchant for. Some were bitter to the taste, some doesn’t even bore any taste at all.

The man— Sicheng— gladly oblige, his lips stretching to reveal a smile. He has been extremely helpful to Alena ever since she turned him. He never once denied her orders. Be it to kill or deliver her fresh human blood, the boy oblige with reverence fit for a vampire leader.

As Alena brought the wine glass against her lips, the blood glinted in the chandelier first. She took a sip, then a moan echoed through her. Human blood is unparalleled. But she knows a particular kind of blood which out rivaled any other blood she’s ever tasted. The blood of her fiancé, Jaehyun.

Alena has lived for almost three-hundred years now. She’s tasted different bloods from sundries of species, hence she’s aware of the certain sweetness and omnipotence commixed with Jaehyun’s blood that made her wanting for more. At first she thought it was his neglect of his vampiric body and soul, yet Alena could still not pinpoint what was special in her fiancé’s blood. One thing that she was certain of, though, was the matchless power it gave her.

Jaehyun’s blood allowed her to walk under the sun unscathed. It repelled her from holy things such as the rosary and the bible. Ever since she started to drink her fiancé’s blood, she could skim through the bible and mock every verse printed on it without her fingers burning. Oh, how forlorn she’s become since Jaehyun begun to play hide-and-seek with her.

Alena’s thoughts were interrupted by the stomping of boots against her marble floors. She gathered her patience to prevent herself from burning whoever it might be. At last, the door opened, revealing Ranus, her favorite party organizer.

“My lady,” he greeted while giving Alena a bow that could almost reach the floors. “You look fantastic as always.” Ranus’ eyes shone in the chandeliers.

Alena raised a brow. Such empty pleasantries. If given the chance, all of the vampires in this useless town would certainly try to kill Alena in a blink of an eye. She wasn’t the leader all of these vacuous vampires expected her to be. Her hands were made of iron and cruelty and blood; one her father and grandfather didn’t have. And now they reside at the Athanar, where all vampires at the age of five hundred and beyond rests, leaving Alena to reign over.

“How is the preparation going on, Ranus?” If Alena’s voice would have a physical form, it surely would be a venomous snake. Born with a vampire venom circulating in her body, Alena made sure to bolster that venom to act as her defense towards those who wishes her dead.

“Smoothly as always, my lady.” Ranus kept his head down, not daring to look Alena in the eyes. To do so would be downright disrespect. One rule Alena wants her vampires to follow; never look her straight in her eyes. They don’t have the power to dare such impudence.

Only Jaehyun could look her in the eyes. And now he’s gone, hiding from her.

Alena pushed away the thoughts by standing up, her hand still holding the glass of blood. Her heels clanked against the floors. With a flick of her wrist, the curtains parted to give her a better view of the world outside. Alena’s forefathers built their mansion at the very edge of a cliff, for they wanted to look down on the people underneath their mansion’s magnificence. Mortals are vital for a vampire’s survival, but they don’t— will never— match the glory that even a fledgling has.

“And the venue?” she asked after taking the last sip of her wine. She would’ve asked for another glass if not for Ranus’ dreadful answer.

“Juana insists the venue to be at her villa, my lady.”

“Is that so?” What a surprise. Juana undermining her decisions.

It was decided that the vampire leader of this town would supervise the incoming gathering of vampires and vampire hunters alike. That means Alena would be the one to decide things, not anyone in those wretched Academy, and specially not Juana. That hag.

“Yes, my lady.”

Alena gripped the wine glass so tight it cracked on her hand. She could feel Ranus’s eyes on her back, his fear clinging onto the air. “Go and remind that witch bitch who’s in charge here.”

“At once, my lady.”

Alena could still feel Ranus’ presence behind her. He was reluctant to say something. “What is it Ranus?”

“My lady… Juana also reminds you of the thirty-fifty ratio of attendees for the gathering.”

“Ah, yes.” The wine glass finally shattered. Its shards jabbing through Alena’s palms, causing blood to flow from her flesh.

Juana insists that the attendees of the incoming gathering would only consist of thirty vampires and fifty hunters. When Alena first heard of the demand, she almost snap a vein in her temple of laughing by the incredulity of it. The witch really believed that she could overpower the vampire with twenty additional hunters.

Tonight, as she heard the same demand, the certain anger meant for the witch ignited once again in her chest. It’s too much of a disrespect for the vampires. But for the sake of everyone’s entertainment, she would agree. It’s better to let the witch thinks she has the upper hand, only to be disappointed in the end. Victory is sweeter when it’s unexpected.

“Tell her I agree.”

“My lady?”

Alena whirled and sauntered up to Ranus. She caressed the vampire’s cheek with the wounded hand that was starting to heal itself, before giving Ranus’ lips a tender kiss. The vampire stilled, his every veins shouting in fear. “You heard me. Now, go, Ranus.” With another light pat on the cheek from Alena, Ranus sprinted away from the vampire leader.

After Ranus’ departure, Alena turned her full attention to the vampire in the shadows. It’s time for the game to continue.

“Sicheng, come here.”

Alena walked back to her throne at the edge of the table. Sicheng was beside her, waiting for the orders.

“Find Jaehyun. He must attend the gathering with me.” At much as the words hurts her throat, Alena needs Jaehyun to escort him to the gathering. All of the vampires in this town knows their relationship. And if they fear Alena with her presence alone, what more when she’s with Jaehyun? The latter doesn’t realize it yet, but the strength he has in his body could overthrow even the elders at the Athanar. Much gratitude to Jaehyun’s stupidity, he doesn’t know about that yet. And Alena had no plans to apprise him of it.

“Yes, my lady.”

“He’s with a girl. If she gets in the way, kill her.”

Alena wasn’t certain if Jaehyun’s imbecility could rival itself. That could only be proven if he decides to choose a mere college girl over a vampire leader.

“I’m at your disposal, my lady.”

She once again flicked her wrist to dismiss Sicheng. He attempted to leave, but Alena’s voice echoed through the hall again, halting the vampire on his tracks.

“Be careful, you might see your mother on your sleuthing.”

Sicheng’s jaw tightened, a further reminder of the hatred he bears for his own mother. He only nodded before he disappeared from Alena’s sight.

Sicheng is the reason why Juana seeks to destroy Alena. Little did she knew, it was her son who crawled his way to Alena’s mansion, begging her to turn him. Until now, Juana believes that Alena turned her son against his will. Alena did what she had to do to save Sicheng, and now the wrath of a witch lays on her shoulders.

A poisonous smile stretched out in her lips. Alena is a god. And no mere witch— no matter how powerful she might be— could destroy her.

—

The uniform exceeded all your agitations. Not only it was uncomfortable, it was also a bit tight for your liking. The secret curves you tried to hide with baggy shirts were now displayed for everyone to see. You felt as if you were sculpted. But you could not be bothered about the uniform, for you were already standing in an open space near the Arena to listen to Eva and Lucas.

Rhianon discussed with you the importance of the Arena on the way to the open space earlier. She said, twice a year, venatrixes and venators compete to showcase their strength at the Arena. It was also directed by the Madame, herself. With few of the vampire hunters helping her hold the event.

“Alright, a pleasant morning to everyone. I hope you’re ready for today’s training.”

Everyone was silent, allowing Eva’s voice to be as clear as possible. You have decided to stand at the very end of the lane with Rhianon. But that doesn’t excuse you of the scrutinizing eyes of both venatrixes and venators alike. They looked at you as if they were already aware of the weakness residing in your bones. However, you held your chin as high as you could muster. You went here for your parents, not to please these students.

“Let us start, shall we?” Eva held her fist high, then she shouted, “Venatrix!”

All of the students around you, including Rhianon, stood rigid and pressed their fist across their chests. “Venatrix: steadfast and loyal!”

The echo of voices deafened you, but you scrambled to put your fist across your chest and shout whatever the motto was. Your tongue knotted together in a hurry to catch up and shout the motto, you could only hope that no one heard you as you tripped on your words.

“We’ve practiced and trained enough strategies in defeating a vampire in a combat. But as we have a new venatrix, we shall recall these strategies from the very beginning,” Lucas stated. His demeanor was more stout and serious than when you were only having a casual conversation with him. He does not carry the spring-like smile in him today, making his face more dangerous. The kind of danger you weren’t conscious someone such as him could possess.

The silent groans broke you out of your reverie. Clearly, the venatrixes weren’t happy about this decision. You could shrink back behind Rhianon, or you could continue to held your chin up high to pretend that their protestations doesn’t affect you at all. You did the latter. Madame needs you, and no degradation could take that advantage away from your hands.

“Y/N, it’s a pleasure. Could you please— stand here?” Lucas’ smile returned as he gestured for you to stand in the frontline. Of course, he could easily spot you with his height.

The line parted for you. Rhianon gave your hand a tight squeeze before you trekked towards Lucas. His smile never faltered as you finally took your place in the front.

Eva gave you a small smile before bellowing instructions again. “Remember your stance. You would hate to forget it. Vampires are swift creatures— but it would be an advantage that you remember how to dig your soles in the ground for more strength.” Eva raised her fist, as if to punch someone. Then she placed her right foot behind the left, her left hand resting in fist at her sides, as if she was about to uppercut someone. “This is the stance of every fighter. Y/N, could you please try it?” Eva invited you with her hand stretched out.

You gulped and did as you were told. Lucas raised your fist, while Eva nudged your left foot to separate your feet further. Her action almost made you lose your footing, but she was quick to catch your arm. Silent laughters could be heard from the throng of students, heightening your agitation. Your eyes frantically searched for Rhianon’s face in the crowd, but to no avail.

“Quiet!” Lucas shouted. At once, the laughters stopped.

“Your muscles are tensed, Y/N. Try to relax them at the point of comfort,” Eva whispered. “Make them strong but not too rigid.”

Having no idea of how to do her orders, you furrowed your brows. With that, Lucas chuckled. But your eyes caught up on the frown that was etched across Eva’s features. As your eyes met, she smiled.

“I think it’s best if we dismiss the venatrixes today? Send them to the armory to practice weapons?” Eva turned her attention to Lucas. The boy blinked but nodded his head.

“Alright, all of you, go to the armory and practice your preferred weapons,” Lucas pronounced. All of them nodded their heads before the crowd dissipated, leaving only you to Lucas’ and Eva’s graces. Rhianon gave you a small wave before following the students. You only nodded your head, for Eva’s grip on your arm didn’t allow you to wave back to your friend.

“Focus, Y/N. You need to catch up.” There was an edge to Eva’s voice now. As if the five-minutes of teaching had already drove her impatient.

“Show us your strength, Y/N. Try to punch my palms.” Lucas held up both his palms for you to attack.

Then you started to punch. Lucas held them firm. You continued to attack him with your punches. Beads of perspiration already forming on your forehead, but the black uniform seemed to sponge the sweats from your body. Leaving you feeling grimy.

“Okay, stop.” He smiled. You hunched your back and pressed your palms to your knees, trying to refocus your breathing.

“You have the strength in you, Y/N. Practice is all you need.”

Thanks to your physical education classes about boxing. You had dreaded every session of that class, never realizing that the things you had refused to learn would be useful today.

“Again,” Eva demanded. She held up her own palms, her brows knotted in concentration. You glanced at Lucas. The boy gave you one of his encouraging smiles before tapping your back.

You slightly twisted your arm to land a punch in Eva’s palms. Unlike Lucas, she moved, causing you to miss her hand by a hairsbreadth. You knotted your brows but she only smiled. So you continued to penetrate her, and she continued to move her palms to different positions, rejecting your every hit. Impatience slowly crawled on your skin, intensifying your determination and giving you more strength. Eva’s feet started to move backwards as she tried to defend herself from your attacks. Lucas silently following the both of you.

It was obvious that she’s draining you out of your energy, and perhaps she’s trying to ridicule you. A smirk was displayed across her face, widening as you mishit her palms yet again.

You fought the urge to punch her face instead. Restlessness would lead you to nothing but more troubles. You only need to hit and hit and—

Suddenly, the world seemed to whirl in different colors. The only thing you felt was the hard collision of your breaches against the hard ground, followed by the fall of your whole upper body. Red spots swam in your vision as you struggled on your feet. Albeit regaining your footing, the world continued to move around you. Firms hands held you in place, steadying you.

“Why did you do that?” Lucas asked.

It took you minutes to realize that he was asking Eva.

“We need to advance her training.” She shrugged.

You blinked a few times. When the swirling of your vision finally halted, you wiped the dust off your palms and off your uniform.

“Oh, yes? You didn’t need to punch her nose, Eva!”

Eva’s mouth was formed in a thin line. She placed her arms across her chest, her foot tapping on the ground.

“It’s okay, Lucas.” You held up your hand. No, it was not okay. You wanted to attack Eva again to regain your pride. Of all the body parts she could hit, she really decided to punch your nose instead? You waited for blood to flow from your nostrils. Thankfully, after touching the skin below your nose several times, the only liquid you could feel was your sweat.

“Do you need to go to the clinic?” Eva asked, her voice devoid of the warmth she once gave you yesterday.

Clinic, again? The offer was enticing. All you wanted to do was to go back on the bed and sleep. But to do so would mean another weakness. You refused to dwell to that same feeling again. So you shook your head.

“No.”

For hours, Lucas instructed you with different techniques. Eva dismissed herself, saying that she would look over how the venatrixes were faring with their weapons. Having Eva away gave you a little peace of mind. Lucas was gentler and more focused on magnifying your strength. He would only laugh and teach you the right ways every time you tripped over.

After hours of training, he told you to rest. Now you’re alone in the open area under the tree, munching your food.

“How’s your training?”

Your food went flying from the spoon as Jaehyun sat beside you. “Don’t startle me like that!” You pitifully looked at the food on the ground, dirt had already coated it. “Why are you here?” You snapped your head at him.

Jaehyun’s smirk faltered as he took in the condition of your face. You raised a brow. He held your chin, his face not giving away any emotions. Then he deadpanned, “Who did that to you?”

Automatically, you covered your nose with your hands, the spoon you were holding went flying to the ground as well. “Accident.” How did he manage to see the injury? You were certain that your nose still had the red tinge from yesterday’s brawl. Jaehyun shouldn’t be able to spot that you have yet obtained another fresh injury.

“Accident? On your first day of training?”

You nodded. “Yeah, earlier.”

“Then you’re dumber than I thought.”

With that, you landed a punch to his arm. His nose scrunched up as if he was in pain. “I know you weren’t hurt.” You rolled your eyes. It’s better if he doesn’t know who injured you on your first day. Eva almightily stared him down yesterday. And you know the scene didn’t settle right on Jaehyun. Best not to reveal everything to him.

“Why are you alone?”

“Lucas told me he’s going to check up on Eva and the others. You? Why are you out here in the sunlight?”  

Jaehyun leaned on the tree. “I was bored.”

“Bored? So you decided to risk your life out here in the open?”

“I can handle myself.” Then he reached his hands towards the little sunlight that had succeeded to infiltrate through the lush of the leaves.

“Jaehyun!” You tried to swat his hands away.

“Relax,” he assured you before continuing on his doing. Then it started. As the sunlight proceeded to touch Jaehyun’s skin, his flesh emitted thin layers of smoke. Faint smell of burning flesh mixed with the fresh air. You covered your nose from the stench.

“Stop that!” You wrenched his hands away from the ray of light. This time, he didn’t budge.

The back of Jaehyun’s hands continued to sizzle, but the smell was fleeting. Pinkish flesh could be seen from his scorched skin. He opened and closed his hands, as if to stretch the skin. Then the skin started to stitch itself back together until no trace of burned flesh could be seen.

“I do that some times to remind myself I’m still half-alive.”

Your eyes could not turn away from his hands. Vampires could heal themselves faster than any mortal devices could. But to witness it on your own, it still brought an unnerving feeling to settle in your bones.

“That’s…”

“Awesome?” Jaehyun raised a brow. Then he stood up, offering his hand to you. “Get up, I’ll teach you how to defend yourself better than Lucas.”

“I would say that was scary,” you teased before holding his hand to prop yourself. “Teach me your ways, your majesty.” You mockingly curtsied, earning a soft laugh from him.

“What did they teach you?”

You did Eva’s instruction from earlier. You raised your fist, the other resting on your sides. Then you stepped your one foot forward, the other digging in the ground. “This. And then Lucas taught me the correct ways to punch.”

Jaehyun pursed his lips to repressed a laugh. “Ten seconds in the battle and you’re dead.” Then he sauntered up beside you, “These are all useless. When you come face to face with a vampire, these postures won’t help you. You must study your opponent— and you could only do that if you let the vampire attack first.”  Jaehyun backwardly stepped away from you. His fingers moving, as if challenging you to a battle. “For this practice, I won’t use my swiftness,” he stated before running towards you as if to attack.

Your heart thudded in your chest. He looked ready to hurt you. So you did the one thing you could do then, you covered your head with your arms.

“Dead,” Jaehyun muttered. You waited for the impact, but none came. So you opened your eyes. His hand were splayed, inches away from your suit. “Don’t cower, Y/N. Study my attacks.”

“You’re scary,” you whispered, embarrassed to admit the words.

“I am deadly attractive, Y/N. And you say you’re scared of me. What more if you come to battle with an unattractive vampire?”

With that, you raised a brow. Vampire venom does a lot of things. If you weren’t generally attractive in your mortal life, the venom could enhance your features, sculpting your visage to that of a pleasing one once you turn into a vampire. Jaehyun must have been extremely agreeable when he was still a mortal, for his face today could rival the beauty of gods.

You shook your head, aiming for your focus. “Let’s try again.” Eva’s instructions flew away from your memory as Jaehyun attacked you yet again. He was swift, even without his power.

“Dead.” He smiled when he captured your neck. His hands once again splayed as if to chop your head off your body.

You sighed but never hesitated, so you defended yourself again and again.

“Dead,” he chuckled.

“Dead.”

“You’re dead, Y/N.”

You wiped your brow with the back of your hand, “This is frustrating!”

“C’mon! Don’t give up. Pay attention to my attacks.”

Jaehyun strike at the side of your waist, but you defended yourself by turning to avoid his hands. Then he attacked your head, you crouched as fast as you could. His knee was about to collide with your face when you pushed it away with your palms. You wheeled your body away, and attempted to punch him right in his face, where he was defenseless. But as your fist was about to strike at his cheek, he turned on his side and caught your arm. His smirk returned as he saw the realization dawning across your face.

Jaehyun’s left hand caught yours, then he pinned it behind you. While his other hand held your right. You were now immovable. Defeated.

“Dead,” he whispered, his breath fanning your cheek.

One swift move and your lips would surely collide. All your muscles stilled, the somersaulting of your heart was so loud. You fought the urge to crash your lips against his, even though it was so tempting to do so. Jaehyun has a fiancée. But the words weren’t enough to move your body away from him. It was ludicrous.

Jaehyun closed the space between the two of you, but before he could land his lips against yours, someone interrupted the both of you. His lips landed on the side of your head instead when you pulled away from him.

Lucas and Eva came into view. With the latter plastering a deep frown across her face. She was obviously unhappy of what she saw. Yet you could not be bothered by her reaction.

“I see that you’re practicing another techniques, Y/N.” Eva smiled, but there was no friendliness attached to her face.

What’s happening to her? Yesterday, she was so enthusiastic. Friendly, even.

“What do you mean?” You dared ask as you straightened your back.

Eva raised her brow, “Seduction is a weapon not all girls could wield. I admire your technique.”

“Eva–!” Lucas grabbed her arm, but she held her chin high.

Seduction? Does your position screamed seduction to her? You won’t admit it, but her words jabbed a shard on your chest. You don’t need to seduce your way to triumph.

“Eva.”

The three of you snapped your head to Jaehyun. He was standing beside you, his hands hidden in the pocket of his jeans.

“Eva, right?” When Eva nodded, Jaehyun continued, “You’re not my type.”

“Excuse me?!” Eva’s eyes widened. Lucas pursed his lips tighter. While you remained standing beside Jaehyun.

“I can hear your heart, you know. Do you want me to narrate the things that’s going on in your head? Of how you dreamt about me— even though you’ve only met me yesterday?” Jaehyun’s words were as flat as the ground underneath your feet.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” She half-screamed. But you didn’t miss the bobbing of her throat nor the perspiration slowly coating her forehead. Now, you are absolutely curious about her dreams even though knowing means breaching her privacy.

“You do. And quit bitching around. You’re supposed to train Y/N, not humiliate her.”

“He’s right, Eva.” Lucas chimed in.

Eva snapped her head towards him. “Shut up!” she seethed. Then she turned her head back to Jaehyun, her eyes like fiery coals. “And you shut up, vampire.”

When Jaehyun attempted to reiterate, you held up your hand. Whatever secret he has in the back of his tongue, you won’t hear it. It would humiliate Eva further. And you didn’t want that.

“You are weak, Y/N. Weaker than what I have anticipated.”

Lucas held her arm tighter, pulling her away from you. “Shut up, Eva!”

Ice cold rage swept through your whole body. You furrowed your brows and sauntered up to face her. “What did you say?” Every last bit of patience you have for her is now clinging on a loose thread. One wrong word and you would certainly land your fist right in her face— to hell with the ramifications.

“Y/N, she didn’t mean it—”

“Oh, I meant it! I meant every word of it! You are weak and you will never be one of—”

Your palm smarted from the slap you gave her. But that wasn’t enough for the insult she’d thrown at you. You gathered a fistful of her hair and threw her to the ground. However, she regained her footing easily and landed a straight blow to your face. You staggered backward, but Jaehyun supported you upright.

“Remember what I told you,” he whispered before letting you go.

Eva ran towards you, her hands formed into fists. You raised your arms to cover your head, and you let her punch every opening to your body. Lucas attempted to pull Eva away, but Jaehyun clasped his hand around Lucas’ wrist. He mouthed ‘let them’ before nodding at you.

“You bitch!” Eva snarled.

Where did her hateful energy come from? Nevertheless, you’ve decided not to be affected. You struggled to memorize her every strike for your own advantage. And when you did succeed, an opening through her face greeted you. You landed your fist to her nose. The bones made a cracking sound, sending satisfaction all throughout your body. Eva fell on the ground. Before she could stand up, you sat on her stomach and raised your fist, ready to punch her again. But a viselike grip took hold of your wrist.

“Enough,” Jaehyun said.

You tried to catch your breath and calm your nerves. Eva still underneath you, clutching her nose. What have you done? You blinked and allowed Jaehyun to help you on your feet. Lucas aided Eva to stand up. The whole area was silent, save for your heavy breathings.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Lucas frowned, before guiding Eva away. But the woman refused to be guided by Lucas. She looked at you as if she wishes you dead.

“We’re not done, Y/N,” she warned.

A sarcastic laugh reverberated through you, “Alright, then.” Then you pinned her down with stare, “But know this, Eva, don’t you dare underestimate me again.”

[robynsheart]

2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)

[meekspaceng]

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Spiritual Gems: (10 min.)

Numbers 26:55, 56​—How did Jehovah demonstrate wisdom when distributing the land inheritance among the tribes? (it-1 359 ¶1-2)

It thus appears that the distribution of the land among the tribes was governed by two factors: the result of the casting of the lot, and the size of the tribe. The lot may have established only the approximate location of the land inheritance each tribe would have, thus designating an inheritance in one section or another of the land, such as to the N or S, E or W, along the coastal plain, or in the mountainous region. The decision of the lot proceeded from Jehovah and hence would serve to prevent jealousy or quarreling among the tribes. (Pr 16:33) By this means God would also guide matters so that the situation of each tribe would fall in accordance with the inspired deathbed prophecy of the patriarch Jacob recorded at Genesis 49:1-33.

After the casting of the lot had determined the geographic location of a tribe, it would then be necessary to determine the extent of its territory on the basis of the second factor: its proportionate size. “You must apportion the land to yourselves as a possession by lot according to your families. To the populous one you should increase his inheritance, and to the sparse one you should reduce his inheritance. To where the lot will come out for him, there it will become his.” (Nu 33:54) The decision of the lot as to the basic geographic location would stand, but adjustment could be made as to the size of the inheritance. Thus, when Judah’s territory was found to be too large, its land area was reduced by assigning portions of it to the tribe of Simeon.​—Jos 19:9.

What spiritual gems from this week’s Bible reading would you like to share regarding Jehovah, the field ministry, or something else?

The Numbers 25:13 Jehovah recognizes the loyalty and courage of Finehas because I do not tolerate rivalry in pure worship, it is a good example of not allowing anything in our hearts to occupy the place that corresponds to Jehovah.

We read in verse 3 of chapter 25 of numbers it mentions that Jehovah was very angry and we could wonder if the anger of Jehovah that he was showing at that time was incorrect, well we know that Jehovah can really get angry when perhaps one of his enemies or his own servants have declared so frequently or may be against him, that is why Jehovah is not slow when he gets angry, on the contrary, he takes action on the matter and does the correct justice that is to say that instead of getting very angry or simply unfairly Jehovah done with a righteous indignation means that Jehovah does protect his servants but he is also aware that anyone who goes against him can use his destructive forces so that he can destroy them and justice reigns instead of injustice.

From the situation that the Israelites lived, very regrettable when they had immoral relationships, I can learn then, also something that I wonder is that I prefer to enjoy a selfish pleasure that lasts a short time or live happily ever after in the new world, it is true that it is worth the It is a shame to make an effort to obey the command of Jehovah flee from sexual immorality to that I am resolved.

Chapter 26 verse 10 once again we reread what happened to Core even though many years of this had already passed, we might think that Jehovah does not forget mistakes but it is not like that, behind this I see that Jehovah is a God of warning but above all a God of love, for that reason the purpose of leaving examples as the verse says that serve as a warning that help us to know how Jehovah feels and how Jehovah acts when we ignore his principles, today we have that great advantage We have them, we can meditate on them and use our imagination or, so to speak, ahead of the movie to see the results of our decisions and learn from the mistakes of others and not our own.

Numbers 25: 1 and 2 we can see that the Israelites allowed their reasoning to deceive them, perhaps they thought that accepting that invitation would help them reduce their tension or that it was their right to have fun, but their bad reasoning only separated them from Jehovah, so I must to take care that my reasoning never justifies my bad decisions.

How good it is to know that we can trust in Jehovah's organization, verse 4 of chapter 25 lets us see that Jehovah is aware of what is happening in his people because it says there Jehovah told Moses, so Jehovah is aware of it He is currently giving instructions and guidance as we approach the end of this system.

I really like numbers 26:65 that I learned that Jehovah never forgets the things we do for him because it had already been several decades since Caleb and Joshua had gone to spy on the land of Canaan but Jehovah still remembered their beautiful example decades later, then I learn that no matter what Jehovah God does small or great, he will always remember the things he does for his name.

In number 26:11 it is mentioned that the sons of Korah did not join their father's rebellion, their loyalty to Jehovah saved his life, in the same way our main loyalty is to Jehovah and to the earthly part of his organization so We hold the correct viewpoint in dealing with those who have decided to turn away from Jehovah completely.

Chapter 25 verse 1 and 2 also teaches me that giving yourself the freedom to ignore a simple principle can lead us to commit a serious sin, the Israelites allowed themselves to accept an invitation that seemed harmless to just eat and have fun but they were overlooking the warning not to mix with those who did not worship Jehovah and that in turn led them to commit a serious sin of immorality and later another serious sin of idolatry, that is why I must be alert and not fall into the trap of giving me freedoms that seem harmless maybe out of simple curiosity but that can lead me to commit serious sins.

Yes, from numbers 25, verses 7 and 8, the example that Finehas set an excellent example of zeal for the worship of Jehovah is outstanding, from this there are also many lessons, for example if we learn that someone has committed a sin after giving Necessary steps it is necessary to announce to the elders this and in case of the elders also take immediate action to protect the congregation from impurity.

In chapter 25 of verse 6 it says that the entire assembly was present when Phineas pierced Zimri with the spear, most likely his family was there, we can imagine what his parents or those close to him felt when they saw or heard their agony but when it was tried to demonstrate their loyalty they knew what decision to make, today we can face a similar situation when sadly a family member a very dear friend leaves the truth or expels it is painful because we love them we miss them but only a complete heart for Jehovah he will help us to always become loyal to him.

[andwerise]

Why you?

How we know each other, I don't. And the stuff I'm about to tell you, I'm not sure why you?

I have reason to believe you might understand where I'm coming from.  

Anyhow here it is.  I consider myself a man of God,  constantly looking for and attempting my best at being a man of righteousness, justice, spirit, charity, love, honesty, truth, humility, and sincere kindness.  All the while living a sober life. So that's part 1. Part 2, my divine calling? my spiritual connection?  where I call home? Deep Breathe, I rebalance, I die daily as I was told Paul did, but my eyes have yet to graze upon those bible pastures. Some verses, yes. I have indulged but very sporadically , a deeper part of me resists.   So I came to Christ as they say in church terms about 7 months ago, prior to that I was a heroin addict for 3 years, prior to that festival traveling nomad at the time doing my best to search for and exemplify the qualities described in part 1.   Anyhow I had a pretty good life but mainly was an alcoholic repressing emotions of grief of a dead mother and physical abuse as a kid.  Mainly I had problems with trust and problems with commitment,  after she died. I got just close enough to people to feel, but not long enough for it to last because that would be taken like everything else, my thoughts at the time, that time, well for the last 10 years basically. So because my external world was turned upside down instantly, so much more to that, whole another story, as I'm sure we all have, i decided to take and make an active part internally in the taking and destroying, hence the latter years of alcoholism and heroin addiction. Hell, least it was a commitment, one of my lasting relationships, and glad to see that I now would preface this sentence with hell.  Because that's what it was, I was living in hell. So disconnected from any Source, Creator,  God, Jesus, Me, the one, One, my soul, my divine connection as I would say. Yea Here and there I had my  psychedelic experiences where I felt the hand of God, where I felt the light touch my heart and pull my from whatever darkness I was in and say " It's ok Mike, just let Go" Those words as I write them now cleanse me, revitalize my sometimes weary soul.  But yea I was a psychedelic guru and good lead a good trip with the best of them, making sure everyone was ok as we traveled to the stars. But was I meant to, God knows, did I, yes, and what did I apply at the time not much. Except words, words, of higher consciousness and ego death(personally not something I ever struggled with I was too disconnected to feel and didn't have much self worth at the time) words of changing the world, and words of this and that, loving everyone, but not able to love self so my vibration of love the ripple I set forth was as small as a tiny pebble being thrown in the water, and I knew it and felt it but for a moment.  And those moments were so easily brushed under the rug with drugs. At the time allowing me to cover up Gods gift to me of extreme self awareness as long as I was on them. Do I apply some of that knowledge now or have I,  because of those experiences( psychedelic and others) close with the Creator, Oneness, the Universe, God, my part within, his part without, the micro and macrocosmic self.  In some sense I do, I mean all experiences shape us. But did I then, no, my life was mere words, i lived by slowly dying thru heroin and alcohol and my words spoke differently, we could call it my soul, but I spoke of an idealistic life with a sense of "home" a word and feeling that still eludes me, a need for commitment, gratitude, and last but never least deep love. I was lost. Or at least I thought I was, I can tell you one thing I had definitely built my own prison. During these years I dabbled, well 1 of them in particular when I was locked up, I dabbled in Buddhism and the sense of Nonattachment, while practicing meditation, idealistically speaking words of enlightenment, feeling righteous speaking that word, guess I did have a minute ounce of ego, ha, but anyhow during this time I felt peace. And if we look at the multiple variables, I was clean, I was exercising, I was reading, I was writing, I was taking time to let go, taking time to breathe, notice it, and be grateful for the capability, the gift. Pause. I am now feeling a sense of peace again, thanks. Play. Anyhow I liked it, but I was locked up, well my jail journals which I have yet to publish speak otherwise, I mean physically I was locked up, mentally I was beyond free.  But What was my existence, yea I was connected to self, but not to anyone else. And I was being fed and told what to do on a daily basis, my spirit knew this was wrong. Pause. in regards to my usage of spirit, soul, and what not, they are in no way biblically derived. Play.   After getting out of jail I sometimes utilized meditation and Non Attachment here and there but never really brought back anything, as I live now realized is the Key, whether thru prayer or meditation, what we ask or go searching for or not searching for what we detach from so we can attach to and with and become, Christ within in bible terms,  when we get answers or find peace, we need to, i need to apply it to my life now.  Well at the time over the years I just used it as another form of escape, a righteous one if I may say, slight ego poking thru, and never really changed my actions, my fruit was still rotten. I mean I never hurt anyone, but did i help anyone, really, no. My words did, hell they could lift up the saddest soul, but my actions, no they did not.  Anyhow so I dabbled in religious theology, did some meditation here and their, applied some psychedelics, and even understood some sacred geometry, i had studied it in college, under a great professor, but that's a whole other story.  Anyhow over the past 2 years I've been arrested some times and by the grace of God found myself at a place called Youth Challenge about a year ago, a faith based residential rehab.  And boy was I antireligious. That disconnects, that divides people, how super righteous are those people, they don't take acid, they don't understand the Mandelbrot set, how much could they really know, pssshh. Well was i in for a slap in the face, o God's humor, haha, I'm really starting to like this guy, God that is. Anyhow I went in trying to poke holes in it, something I had become good at over the years. I really went in trying to get clean off heroin and in the meantime found a way to make excuses to not connect, to divide myself, from something or someone that was doing everything in his power to, give me a sense of home, love, gratitude, humility, kindness, charity, and allowing me the opportunity to become changed, new, so that I could truly exemplify these qualities, not only with my words, but my actions. But i pushed, i had to, its what I knew, this cant be, I don't want and I remembered the words I had once heard tripping many years ago.  "Its ok Mike, Let go." The words God had spoke to me in my righteous acid trip, now were being spoken to me in and out of the mouths of other brothers, out of Gods connections.  I did, let go.  I surrendered and my life has been extremely different.  All I can say is I accepted where the divine found me at, I didn't need to question what source this deep love came from, or how it was packaged, I just accepted it and my life is different. I am. Agreed.  My main point was that no matter where the divine finds you accept it no matter how its packaged, Jesus, Buddha, whatever, accept the love when its given.  My background was in psychedelics and meditation so it was hard for me when I started coming to a church to just accept the love there.  But it was so freely given and my path thru circumstances led me there, here.  So i need not try to push it away because it is called Jesus here, its all love to me and its genuine, so basically I'm just saying to Let go when Love finds you, when God touches your heart.  That's all.

Anyhow I don't know why I wrote you that, i guess Id figure you might understand.  Anyhow sometimes, some days, and even some weeks, i get pulled in all different spiritual directions, and its hard, but at least I have one. And this I am forever and always grateful for and of.  Anyhow thanks for letting me navigate thru my thoughts.  I needed that. For some reason I know you will understand.  

[solo1y]

A Facebook Convo; 7 Years Ago

Timothy O'Fallon [in a status update about his bible study group]: Let's do this Hemingway style (except badly): Exodus. Tomorrow. We journey The Bible in 1 Year then. And it will be 10AM. Climb the steps to the class above the Cafe at CCC. You might hear something new. You might not. More than likely you will. I would enjoy seeing you there. Well, except for Barry Purcell. Everyone else.

Barry Purcell [me]: You're full of bravado when you have the machinery of Florida's justice system behind you, aren't you? Remember, the restraining order runs out in two weeks. Then I can show up to your bible class any time I like and not a single person in this fine democratic nation you have can stop me.

Stupid joke time - "I had to go to a talk about Exodus, but I managed to get out of it."

Tim: That's the day I will teach the class using the gift of Tongues, Barry. And you can interpret. Ha ha! Er...wait...

Barry: I'd probably translate incorrectly: "And lo he said unto Ezekiel, 'I am shuffling. Yea, verily even unto Israel am I shuffling every day.' And every day he was shuffling."

Tim: But does He stack the deck? That's the controversy you know.

Barry: I guess if he's the one who built the deck in the first place, it would be technically impossible for him to "stack" it.

Tim: I'm telling you, you could teach this class

Barry: I don't think so, Tim. At the end of every class, I'd have to say "Just don't take any of it literally", which is probably anathema to the standards and practices department.

Tim: That would work for everything except for the stuff that was intended to be taken literally

Barry: The further back in time you go, the more likely that it's a more helpful approach to the material, regardless of the intentions of the author.

Tim: Chronological snobbery! Personally, I subscribe to the notion that determining what people mean when they say or write something is critical to understanding what they said or wrote...no matter how far back you go.

Barry: The further back you go, the less literally you have to take what was written in order to understand it. Not only are the earliest documents historically inaccurate, but they don't seem to understand "historical accuracy" even in theory. It's a relatively modern idea which we are imposing on the ancient texts, expecting them to bend to our conception of what "accurate" means. Whose fault is it when they snap under the strain?

A wonderful example is the literature of prophecy, which always, without exception, tells you nothing at all about the future and everything about the people making the predictions. This is true of all predictions made my any people in any culture, ever. But you'll miss that entire layer of reality if you interpret the prophecies literally.

Tim: I see historians (including very good ones) impose modern ideas of history on ancient texts all the time. Finding instances of that sort of thing is one of my most amusing pasttimes (pathetic, I know). But we mustn't mistake that sort of misdeed with the equally false notion that the ancients never intended to relate something that actually happened. That's not a modern idea at all, any more than the embellishment of events is exclusively an ancient habit. There is far less separating you and I from an ancient Chinese calligrapher or an Akkadian scribe than not, a fact that modern historians are at great pains to point out in every area of life except that of writing. Again, I find that amusing. And again, I continue to find it instructive and intellectually fulfilling to try to discern what an ancient writer actually inteded to say. In the case of Scripture, I find it a lot more than intellectually fulfilling. *********** Regarding prophecy, of course prophecy tells you nothing about the future if in fact prophetic prediction of the future is impossible. Ever. But one thing it DOES dell you abou the "people making the predictions" is that they were the sort of people who believed you could make true predictions about future events. And again I find that at least in this way, they aren't much different than me. And this adds a layer of "reality" to me that a skeptic, by definition, cannot attain.

Barry: I'm a skeptic and I accept that they were the sort of people who believed you could make true predictions about future events. You get those sorts of people today too, and their predictions are just as accurate at predicting the future.

Also, it's not so much that they never intended to reflect reality, it's that they would have been unaware of the psychological construct of a 'metaphor'. They frequently used metaphors to reflect their reality in a way that we wouldn't, at least not without flagging it down first. It wasn't a question of 'accurate' or 'inaccurate'. They just didn't think of things in those modern terms. However, as you say, once you are made aware of the common symbol database to which all our cultures refer (thanks to the good work of people like Joe Campbell, Carl Jung and James Frazer inter alia), it becomes easier to work out what the authors of these ancient works were getting at.

As far as I know, the Greeks were the first people to understand this, the first people to question their divine myths, the first people to even be aware of the fact that they could be questioned, and hence philosophy.

Tim: The Greeks were not the first people to question their divine myths, though they may have been among the first to misunderstand their own myths, or mythology itself for that matter. Their work in that area has certainly flourished in modern times. And becoming aware of the symbol databases to which all our cultures refer does indeed, in my view, give us some excellent tools to misunderstand the ancients more conveniently. As far as the ancient unawareness of the psychological construct of a metaphor goes, if by that you mean that they used metaphor much more brilliantly than we do today, and that in most cases they had a much greater understanding of how it ought to be used, I would agree with you wholeheartedly. And you missed my point about the skeptic (I am a skeptic too, just about different things). It was a joke. The skeptic can't share the layer of reality in which he identifies with the belief in prophecy. Now that I've explained it, it doesn't seem funny any more.

Barry: Oh well if you're identifying with prophecy in the sense that you think it's true, then yes. That facility will be denied the skeptic. At least until one of them comes true. Then the skeptics will all be on board.

I don't think they used the metaphor more brilliantly than we do. It was just a different way of looking at things. The Greeks may have misunderstood their own myths, but let us not forget that Socrates, the inventor of philosophy (more or less) got sentence to death specifically for the crime of blasphemy.

Timothy: Of course they won't be on board. See, told you I was a skeptic on some things. **** The way the ancients looked at metaphore was infinitely more mature, subtle, and poetic than the modern method. That's what I meant by brilliant. Admittedly, they were less encumbered by psychological theory and the new philology, but I think that's a good thing. And Socrates was sentenced to death in part for blasphemy, but everyone then as now knew very well that is not why he was sentenced to death. You might say he died of metaphor.

Barry: Blasphemy was the charge on the ticket, but of course he was killed for more practical reasons.

Socrates had absolutely no fear of anything; felt like he was on a divine quest to improve the lives of everyone in the world; never wrote anything down himself (so we are forced to rely on the accounts, often written long after his death, of others who make various claims on him); amassed a small gang of followers who delighted in his witty and intellectual take-downs of establishment and authority figures; tried and failed to reject his responsibilities; had his early life (at least the first 30 years) completely shrouded in mystery, relegated to one or two anecdotes; refused to defend himself properly against the charges of blasphemy when called upon to do so; accepted the death sentence even though it was well within his power to avoid it; and ultimately put more value on the truth than his own life.

You might indeed say that he "died of metaphor".

Tim: And we know all this about him because we believe we have ascertained the intent of those ancients who wrote about him. Barry, listen, I just think that when we apply modern theories of interpretation to ancient authors (the "what he REALLY must have meant (even without realizing it)" school of interpretation, we do the author a disservice. And I think we are further from understanding him or her, not closer. For example, I doubt very much I have ever met anyone in my life more misinterpreted than you. I see it happen all the time: you say something clever, it gets interpreted as a personal insult, and a personal insult gets thrown at you in return for your non-insult. But unlike the ancient authors, you are right here to clarify what you intended. Still, the person who originally misinterpreted your intent holds fast to their misinterpretation. It is comic and a little sad. But it shows that people prefer to interpret things based on their perception of things (such as the perception that you are an offensive little snit) rather than the intent of the author. Imagine, if it is that bad for you, how badly our modern perceptions - even ones not formulated by the Jungian school - mangle the intent of the ancients, who aren;t even here to clarify. In my class, I teach (or try to) on the theory that before we can evaluate anything about a text, we first need to do our best to figure out what the original author of that text intended it to mean. Sometimes, as you pointed out, they have a different way of looking at things than we do, and so of course that goes into determining their intent as well. But I do not subscribe to the notion that just because an author is ancient, that he thinks COMPLETELY differently than we do, or that the further back we go the more alien it is when he writes "the emperor made a sacrifice to the gods to cure his toothache" (oracle bones) or "and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper"(psalm 1). The intent of the author is comprehensible because we are more alike than not; the distance between us in time does little to distance us in basic inference or the conceptions that follow from it.

Barry: Fair enough. My original concern was that not so much that we might think of modern ways of interpreting texts as "better", but that we would subconsciously parse all those ancient texts through our modern filters *before* we even get around to asking what the author meant. We are often unaware of how much damage we can do to an ancient text just by deciding what does or doesn't count as inside the parameters of what the author meant, and we are often unaware that we're even doing it.

Nothing I've said here is peculiar to the bible, by the way. All this would work as well for the Iliad, or any other ancient text. Despite the sterling work of Schliemann, we may never know for sure what went on at Troy, or if it happened at all. But *something* happened to cause some literary masterminds to record it. And that's as good a start as any.

Maybe what I'm saying is that the further back we go, the less likely it is for us to encounter literal, accurate history in the modern sense, because there was no modern sense of literal, accurate history back then. Does that sound better?

[athinkingman-blog1]

Why I Am In Awe of Women Our creator, the creator of the heavens and the earth and all that is in them, has created many wonderful and spectacular things, but as it relates to the human male, indeed to all human kind, the greatest of all creations is the woman. Aside from the obvious and delightful reasons, there a several other reason I believe this to be true. From the beginning of recorded history, the human male has occupied the dominate position of importance and authority. It is for this reason that I believe the historical records, including religious records, may have been deliberately distorted in favor of the male. After all he who wields the sword also wields the pen. Only men were allowed to read or write in ancient times, and with the power of the pen, the human male has assigned to himself the rank of Numero Uno among God’s creations. This presumption is give credence in the text of the holy scriptures of all the world’s major religions. But every now and then I can’t help but wonder if we hold this belief because it is founded in truth or does it prevail because of the force of the male’s ego. What I am about to suggest is pure speculation, but I stand by my belief that all that follows may actually be true. Have you ever had a thought that persistently imposed itself upon your consciousness, and declared itself to be true despite all your efforts to delegitimize it through the application of logic and reasoning? Well, I have. And that persistent thought is that despite our religious teaching to the contrary, the human female was first among human kind to be created. Yes I’m aware that the bible says that on the sixth day, God created man. I’m also aware that we automatically assume the word man means the male human. But I suggest to you that so far as it can be determined form the religious records, our creator made no such assumption. King James Bible: Genesis 5:1-2 1This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; 2Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created. According to the Bible, God created man, male and female, and called their name Adam. So, which Adam was created first, the male or the female? Frankly, I can’t dispel the nagging notion that it had to have been the female. Before I attempt to explain why I believe this might be true, let me make a few thing clear. God made no distinction between the male and female. He called them both by the same name. Where it says “in the likeness of God made he him” in Genesis 5:1, the word him refers to both male and female. This is obvious because the next verse begins with “Male and female created he them”. The conclusion of that verse, “and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created” leaves no room for doubt. So in the Genesis creation story when he, him or Adam is referred to, it is referencing both male and female. With that being said, I will now, with elaborate care, state six reasons why I believe the female human was created first. 1. The females mature earlier than the males. Scientific studies have shown that females mature as much as 11 to 12 years earlier than males. I this area, the female is demonstratively first. 2. Females develop the ability to think or reason earlier the males. The ability to reason is the most distinguishing characteristic of being human. Once again the female comes in first. 3. When tracing one’s lineage, the only certain and accurate path is through the female. Tracing one’s lineage through the male is speculative at best. Hence the old adage “Mama’s baby, daddy’s maybe”. 4. All human embryos express the “X” (female) chromosome first. The “Y” (male) chromosome expresses at a later stage and if it fails the express the embryo will always develop as female, never male. Therefore it can be argued that all humans start out as female. Some will disagree with this choosing instead to say that all humans begin as a blank slate until the 5th or 6th week of development when the Y chromosome begins to express, or not. 5. Religious records: In Genesis 2:23 it reads as follows: And Adam said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” But which Adam is speaking, the male Adam or the Female Adam? Since the word “he” can reference either the male or female, the question now becomes, which is referenced by the word “she”? Obviously which ever one was taken out of the other is woman and therefore should be referred to as she. Since the day in which God created Adam, every male that has ever lived was taken out of a female. I find it odd that the male Adam would be the only male in human history not to be taken out of a female. Likewise it would be equally odd if the female Adam was the only female in human history to be taken out of a male. Even Jesus, the Son of God came forth from a woman. Keeping Genesis 2:23 in mind, since the male now comes forth out of the female, perhaps it is proper to refer to the female as man and assign her the pronoun he, while the male would more accurately be referred to as woman (taken out of man) and should be assigned the pronoun she. 6. Since the day of creation, every living thing, plant or animal, has reproduced itself just as it was designed to do, and did, on the day of creation. Again, I find it odd that the creator would create a male human and then take the female human out of the male; then reverse the whole process and from that day forward cause the male to come forth out of the female. I believe that as it was in the beginning so it is to this day; or more clearly to my point, as it is in this day, so it was in the beginning. Now I realize that just about ever read of this post will find the thoughts and opinions expressed herein to be strange and instinctively repulsive. I know this. But they are my thoughts and opinions and right or wrong, I believe I have a right to express them. Please comment on this post because I would love to hear your thoughts. And that’s all I have to say about that.

[alonapseasiram]

State of Mind

a terrific pal as soon as instructed me, 'guy makes money' but, I of route argued in any other case. 'What part of the 'jungle' are you from, I jokingly asked? He answered with a soft smile but, remained quiet. I left him questioning how 'silly' and 'unrealistic' he genuinely changed into, to have such notion. Coincidentally, there may be a particularly opposite version of my buddy's perception returned from wherein I come. there's a popular saying in Nigeria, 'money makes a person'. My pal came about to be German and me, reputedly, the 'coolest' thing to ever show up to Africa (or so we're made to agree with), a Nigerian. With so much willpower, delight, guts-feeling and self-notion, I dare to mention, i am proudly Nigerian!

 Statistically, objectively and realistically speakme, there is energy in numbers. The energy in numerical gain increases the possibilities of likely cause which, is always greater than that of a probable reason. fantastically speakme, the fact of 'performance' with less numbers can never be disregarded. A brilliant instance and testimony to this are awesome feats of 'Alexander the extraordinary'. His conquests and victories were finished with a completely strategic, efficient, and effective method. He was usually outnumbered through enemies on a ratio of three:1 however however, he never misplaced a single battle for the duration of his lifetime. So what does it represent? Does 'extra' necessarily suggest 'better'? Is China necessarily more advanced than their rival neighbor, Japan? nicely, i'll depart that so as to ponder.

 In a damaged and derailed systems like most 0.33 international nations in which actually, the whole thing 'works' and technically at the equal time, nothing 'works', does presumed numerical gain remember? For the motive of this newsletter, i'll awareness specifically on Nigeria as a viable subject depend. Nigeria, a state of just about or possibly, over 2 hundred million people with presumably the most corrupt minds, demeanor and above all, mentality. one of the maximum educated globally but, 'mentally negative with obscure mindsets'. most people's attitude is corrupt with sentimental norms and epileptic virtues and values hence, their management and government will become the most comfort and smooth objectives to attribute blame. possibly, blame 'neo-colonialism'? cheap shot, strive once more!

 A nation that reveres corruption and its vices, where humans condone immorality and adulates nonentities. A nation in which respected media systems (journalists and Bloggers) effortlessly reward and revere 'Thieves', 'Thugs', 'Hoodlums', 'Murderers' and immoral practices at a price. A state in which hard-work is shamed and undermined, where ingenuity and honesty are considered weaknesses.

 A nation that elected to office, an accused murderer in detention. A kingdom in which 'unwell-gotten' wealth is glorified, gratified and glamorized; where, 'clergymen' most effective teach and preach 'how to get rich' doctrines. A kingdom in which 'monks' are 'mini-gods' in their own minds and rights thus being worshiped thereby, extorting, exploiting and mind-washing their individuals. A country this is significantly religious in particular due to economic problem. They accept as true with strongly in mundane 'prophecies' than God, Bible and Quran.

 The very popular English proverb, "necessity as the mom of invention" seems to have principal exceptions from an African kingdom's context and pretext. In Nigeria and majority of African nations, "necessity appears to breed fear, bribery, mediocrity, corruption, foolishness, stupidity et al." Majority of us are products of a infected system (for the reason that independence) or possibly a clumsy of a qualitative moral history. I refuse to allot blame to now not simply the leaders but, everybody as we have been raised and bred inside the cocoon of biased realizations, bigotry and epileptic view of truth and common experience. A state of over or nearly 2 hundred million people couldn't improvise options to basic infrastructures the 'leaders' denied its humans.

 A 17th century French truth seeker, Joseph de Maistre once said, "each state gets the government they deserve". because independence, Nigeria and maximum of her African opposite numbers have been hugely 'successful' at breeding 'leaders' with rusty thoughts and corrupt mindsets, leaders with the worst viable perception of life. Of direction, these 'leaders' aren't foreigners but, citizens of the land. For the beyond 60 years, this has been the tales of just about every African country and every body nevertheless blames the 'leaders' for their predicaments. perhaps, should the French truth seeker be right? aren't these 'leaders' reflective of the actual image and demeanor of their population?

 Does a 'Gandhi', 'Mandela' or 'Lincoln', ever exist some of the two hundred million 'Mùmús' in Nigeria? in which are the modern minds? Formal education isn't always sufficient... is 'Revolution' the answer or Mediocrity preserve its rule? can also God bless the 'Helpless and Hopeless'! Proudly Nigerian!

 'Mùmú' is a colloquial and informal slang for being 'gullible'.

 it is time for all and each Nigerian to trade their mentality closer to progressiveness and abandon these types of regressive strategies and techniques that's never labored considering attaining independence.

 it's time for each Nigerian and African likewise to challenge the 'popularity quo' of corruption, financial trouble, tribalism, neocolonialism and plenty of different factors deterrent to consistent growth and development of their international locations.

Source

[myletterstoyoumrzubair]

Dear Mr Z edition 16 12/04/17

My journey of faith and fighting for our relationship to survive against the odds.

Hassan,

Do you know what day it is today? Its my anniversary of converting to the catholic faith. On this day back in 2009 after months of study, and a year before of dropping out of the RCIA (rite of catholic initiation) scheme, I was baptised and confirmed and took my first holy communion within the catholic church as a catechist. A catechists are a new member of the catholic faith. 8 years on, I am now under a new journey, a journey with Islam, but I am still proud of that day, and still proud of stepping out from my family norm and going against the grain. I am still proud of setting an example that I am very strong in faith and my belief in god, now Allah, i am now going against the grain again, being the first Muslim in my family. That journey started 10 years ago when I knocked on the door of Fr Floody’s house and he invited me in for a chat, and then RCIA classes. In these 10 years I had made very many church friends, been invited to perform at a wedding, the song of Ave Maria, a catholic prayer, and seen my mum follow in my footsteps following me in joining the catholic faith. 10 years on, now today, everything is different. My faith and believe in god (Allah) is growing all the time. I have vowed to myself to try and give up alcohol, and last weekend that caused many questions with my friends when I went to their night in, being pestered to why I wasn’t drinking. I never once told them it’s because I have a new faith, that I have started practicing Islam. I told them many truths like; it’s bad to drink with my medication, and that I don’t want to be drunk when you call me in the evening, and I don’t need drink to have fun. It felt so awkward. I even had my ex telling me that if I want to be with them I should be joining in to the extent that they are. I have also started eating halal meat and on occasion wear hijab, mainly when I pray, I never pray without hijab. I never thought in a million years this would be happening to me. So much has changed in the last few months. When I left hospital my catholic faith was growing. I studied the bible on a daily basis, but then I got reading the Quran. The more you told me the more I became intrigued, I loved how women are highly respected, even though society makes it look like we are suppressed. There has always been odd points in my life I read the Quran, but for fun, not for belief. The more I learned the more I felt that what I knew in catholic church was fraught with many contradictions. No one not even you has made me do this, I have always loved and appreciated how you have always told me that you don’t mind what faith I belong to as long as I am happy. Now that I practice Islam you are talking about the idea of us getting a nik’kah, so that we are married under the eyes of Allah, and so that Islam is at the heart of our marriage. What Islam has done for me already is dramatic. I used to backchat my mum all the time, although when I did it I wasn’t really aware that I was doing it. I am trying my best to be that ‘perfect’ daughter. And with you, it has helped me understand you perspective of things. I have often compromised when you and I had opinions which differ, purely cos the Quran says which way it should be, especially when it comes to money, and when it comes to things that you tell me that I should do, just because you are my ‘husband’, and husband to be in law, I listen. With you, yes at times I stick up for myself and tell you what to do too, but that’s when I am concerned you are not looking after yourself or when you mess me around. By the way, I hate being messed around, if someone says they will do something they have to do it.

I never imagined that I would also be in a position where I would find myself fighting for a relationship because British law says that we can’t be together in the UK without meeting their terms of finances. I have a year to go at uni, and against the odds I am thriving with it. Second time round at uni, but yet I am hunting for jobs, just so I can be your sponsor. Some of these jobs I know I will never be able to do for ever, but I apply out of desperation. I really don’t want to be separated from you, not even for one minute, other than when we must work in order to pay the bills. I know Islam says I don’t have to work, because it’s the man’s responsibility to work to bring in money to clothe me, feed me, meet my needs, and educate me and keep a roof over my head. But then again I have never been in such a complicated or serious relationship as this, but I have also never wanted to be until I met you. When I met you in person I knew I wanted to be with you, even though it took a while for me to accept how I feel about you, and the fact that I love you. Even before we met up  for a while I was going behind my ex’s back just to be able to talk to you. No one knew that I was talking to you, that you were in my life, even if it was only over facetime. I often spoke to you when he slept or wasn’t looking. I hadn’t been happy in that relationship for a long time, not since Easter last year, but it wasn’t till I was basically shut out for weeks on end I started looking for a way out. There were many time I felt like I was cheating on him, and I have never cheated on anyone and that’s why I was scared. Although I wasn’t happy being his girlfriend I knew I didn’t want to lose his friendship. When I was in hospital it just clicked. I knew that you would be there for me, I knew that you just cared. I called you everyday because you wanted to know how I was. Yes, at first you very naïve to how severe my illness is. I remember you telling me all I needed was to be loved and cared for and that I don’t need medicine. The fact is, I do need medication. I know I need people to care for me too, but I also know that if I don’t take my medication I get very sick, at first my body goes into withdrawal from the effects of the medication, it makes me nauseous, unable to eat, sleep, etc, and then over a period of a couple of months I lose control over my condition, and it deteriorates. Not taking my medication puts me a risk of needing to be in hospital under 24 hour watch to protect me from self-harm and suicide. If I don’t look after my mental health it can be potentially deadly. Over time you have started to realise how important this is, not since that day where you made a naïve comment have you thought I can be medication free, although I may need to be medication free, when in the future I become pregnant, due to some medicines not being safe in pregnancy, which if the case, it would put me at risk of my mental health deteriorating, hence why I’d rather talk to a consultant first. Today you realise that there may come a day where you must step in to potentially save my life. I have never hidden this from you, not even from day one. Anyways, my point is that I feel and can trust you will be there for me no matter what, both when I am well and when I am not. I feel so lucky and fortunate to have found you. There are very few people who understand how I feel, without me saying a word. You just look at me and know. I know Islam says you must look after me as your wife, but you make me feel special. It’s because how I feel about us that makes me want to fight with all that I have for this relationship to stay here in this country, even if that means doing a job I may not be able to keep after the point I can sponsor you. I also know and appreciate you are doing you best to get a distinction in your dissertation so you can try and apply for a doctorate course. I have never wanted anything so much in my whole life. I have even started thinking what I would do when I graduate, once and if we have a family of our own, would I stay at home and run the house or work too. I don’t know, but I have thought about it. All I know right now is this relationship is something I want so so much, and in some ways even more than my degree. I fight so hard for this, in the last few weeks I have applied for over 60 jobs, and I have my first interview for a job next Tuesday. I also spend most of my prayer time, other than mandatory salat, asking Allah to give us strength and guidance and to help us achieve our dream of being married in the UK, and to give you the courage, determination and strength to be able to get this grade that you need, and for your doctorate.

I am still so worried what people are going to think about us getting married, and I wish I could tell the world. I want my family to know. Of course no one knows that we are wanting to marry close to our birthdays but your friends and family know that we want to marry, mine don’t even know we are engaged, and that is so frustrating. I know that it will probably come as a shock to some people. People who are unaware that we have had a form of relationship since October, would probably turn around and tell us to slow down, and that it not sensible to be doing what we are, it makes me nervous to tell people, but they really must know. If people are going to be at our wedding, we don’t have much time to tell them and invite them. Despite this I spend my free time brainstorming and trawling the internet to find my idea of a perfect wedding dress on a tight budget, and I think I have found it. Its not a Muslim friendly dress, but then again, I am only going to marry once, I will only every have a wedding to one person, and I want a dress that speaks my name all over it, so that would never be Muslim friendly anyway. I am so excited to be seeing you in a few days time where I can introduce you to you future mother in law and sister in law and your future nephew, I just so wish I could tell them that’s what they are.

Love you with all my heart

Shelly x