#but my downhill will never end
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Please excuse my gayness BUT...
I felt the need to post this.
#nikita kislov#my baby#i love him so much#ssshhhiiittt!#ssshhhiiitttposting#im sorry for being like this#it will end soon#but my downhill will never end#daunkhyl ne znakonchitsa#*sick guitar riff*
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The thing that kills me about the Star Wars prequel trilogy and why I will die on my hill that my problem is not that Star Wars is a tragedy, its that its a badly written tragedy, is that Anakin Skywalker was at his closest to being a good Jedi when he was ten years old.
#im not an anakin apologist by any means because I get the point of his character and Im not pro or anti jedi#my only real opinion on all of it is similar to what I was saying about Peter and Tony and the MCU yesterday#its badly written. its EVERYONE being contorted into shapes that dont make a ton of sense in service to#getting characters to where they need to end up for certain things to occur#my opinion is not that Anakin is inherently bad or good or that the Jedi are inherently bad or good#its that their entire conflict was set in motion by forcing the Jedi to act in ways that felt massively OOC when they were#first interviewing him as a kid and like.....I ACCEPT that the Jedi are supposed to be for the most part kindhearted and empathetic and all#of that which is why its so noteworthy in my opinion that this does not match with how they were FORCIBLY portrayed in those early movies#in order to ENGINEER the idea that this kid in desperate need of support but already with a lot of good instincts and positive traits#came to the order of kindly supportive literal empaths and everything went downhill from there#like kindly supportive literal empaths would not in my opinion look at a kid trying his best to be brave & stoic in completely intimidating#circumstances and surroundings and be judgmental and fairly dismissive about it as though theyve never met a kid before let alone a#traumatized one and the fact that thats kinda what happened is in contrast to how a lot of pro anakin people frame that NOT proof#that the Jedi order are inherently bad its that in that key scene and multiple others#the Jedi order were BADLY WRITTEN in pursuit of one pre-determined outcome that mattered more to the script/Lucas than#being true to their core conceit and characterizations. and thats just one example out of dozens I could list and the same holds true for#anakin's side of things so thats why I always steer far away from SW discourse#because Im like the problem with the characters in terms of the most iconic arc is not really any of the characters so much#as the plots refusal to let them actually consistently BE characters rather than just fixed and contrived stepping stones on the way to#the desired endpoint
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i just need to shout into the void for a moment
#but fr is this all its ever gonna be#Like im just supposed to work and work and take my two days a week#never see my family#lose all my friends from uni town bc i moved away#im just so frustrated#and no one is being optimistic or telling me things will be ok#all i get is that everything is downhill now that im 23#my health my friendships my relationships#everything is gonna go to shit#and im never gonna be happy#and the world is gonna end#and i get to watch all of it crumble from a shitty retail job#and i don't even get the satisfaction of getting to be a good and kind person throughout it all#im a giant insensitive hypocrite all of the time#and like i just. i am fine i actually am like im not in crisis and im never gonna be in crisis#it just sucks
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skybound collectively unshitting their pants after acquiring the full rights to clementine, the coolest character in their own franchise
#clementine and lee....unbeatable sorry (im not sorry actually)#ive been finally watching the show lately and lets just say its increased my opinions of the games hsdfksjd#dont get me wrong its not the worst thing ive ever seen but hoo boy does it go downhill. binged 6 seasons and hit a brick wall at 7#struggling to finish it now but ive made it to S10#havent heard much better things about the comics...i just want to know more Lore#it speaks#twdg#sorry skybound she will always be telltales baby shes living her best life at ericsons forever no matter how many comics you make#idk how much clearer S4 can be about ericsons being clems forever home but apparently skybound didnt get the message#im just surprised they havent shoved her into one of their 1000 shows yet#something i used to want and now deeply fear. i just wanted her to have a cameo but theyd never let it end#one of the last things telltale released being the end of clems story is Very fitting it closed the book on her And the studio#(averting my eyes from the walking corpse that is now telltale 2.0 💀 still fitting i guess now just sad)#the credit graffiti and the 'thanks for playing' make me cry every time 😭 S4 is such a love letter S4 my beloved
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#I'm trying to put an end to this stupid addiction for years now#which yeah I know#and I've never made much of an effort but now I really want to stop for real cross my heart#and so I've started keeping score#as in It has been x days since#and boy. I've just gone back to zero after getting to one (and one only cause I was lenient)#why is everything so hard#shouldn't things that are good for you and normal come easy? is this what the rest of my life is going to#ah whatever#I wish I could kick Sisyphus' stupid rock downhill#I'm kicking mine for sure#personal
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Hey, this is Taylor from a few years back. Sorry for the ask. I haven't used this app in a few years and forgot how to message lol. I was looking through my old account and saw yours was still up and running, and I just wanted to tell you thank you for the time you were my friend and how patient you were with me. You were a great friend and an even better influence. Hope you're doing good!
This was such a wonderful surprise... I have so many words and yet none at all. Thank you for being my friend, too, and for the kindness you showed me. I hope the future has treated you kindly 🥹🫶🏾
#and now a word from us kids#first of all if you dont know how to use chat its not ur fault its bc tumblr updated and changed 90 times in the last 3 yrs like WHO ASKRD#FOR ANY OF THISSSS#since the great tiddy ban of 2018 we have just gone farther and farther downhill yall 😒 tumblr never shld have tried to appeal to the ads#and its not like it even worked bc The ads we DO get are like facebook video level LIKE PLZ ABEG 😭#anyways i want you to know that when i finally read this ask (like forever late) i was travelling with my sister in TX mind you! and i#literally stopped walking on the sidewalk in 100 degree weather she was so mad at me but i was literally floored#i will never be able to express how much being your friend was healing to me too. and i missed you. and life is crazy#idk if you ever saw that one post on tiktok that went viral and it was an old lady and her best friend had “we were girls together” on#her tombstone like... i think about that all the time. something so beautiful about youth and IM YOUNGG WE R YOUNGGG but still.#thank you for being my friend and thank you for finding me again and i dont even know what words to say! but this was incredibly sweet#and i sat on it for 2 weeks bc i didnt know what to day and i still dont. but i hope you still remember how to read tags 😩😩#a part of me wanted to figure out how to answer this privately but also a part of me wanted this to be tangible somewhere so i apologize at#the end of the day i am still a tumblrina immortalizing things on my blog 🥹🩷#my sunshine#🩷🩷🩷
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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Art Summary 2023! Template here ^^
#I’m gonna be honest lads. my art went downhill this year ueueue#nothing I can do but KEEP DOING ART#I peaked in the first 4 months and it was a slope from there RIP#NOT GONNA BE NEGATIVE AT THE END OF THE YEAR#I AM GLAD I MADE ART THIS YEAR#I WILL MAKE ART NEXT YEAR#NEVER STOP IMPROVING!!!!!#dawnsart#art summary#art summary 2024
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#'hold your breath and hold on tight‚ hunker down‚ try not to cry'#'tell the critters that you love‚ that you love them‚ that's enough'#'cause there's no stopping what's to come‚ some shit's just etched into the stars‚ calamities you can't outrun'#it's been a difficult six months or so after being presented with some inevitable future losses‚ you kind of just disengage with everything#then try to stay distracted with busywork and things that don't take much focus. It's infuriating when something's happening and you#can't do anything to help or change the outcome or fix it. It's just there and happening and you have to watch and do nothing even knowing#where it's potentially going. And the worst part is‚ it can look like it's getting better and things can look promising‚ and in a span of#days it's all downhill. And I did not expect one of my stupid little distractions to punch me in the face with my reality‚ but here we are.#Our roof is finally fixed though‚ so there's that. It rained for two days and the rain stayed outside instead of coming in. It's been a#good number of years since that was the case. I learned how to make a custard pie last month. The spiral ham I like is on a good sale and#I'm getting one for Christmas. I gave in and spent $150 on UGG men's boots because the ones I had to buy to be in a wedding party five#years ago impressed me but were women's boots. They're super warm. I found a Christmas card that was the leg lamp from A Christmas Story to#send to a friend. Someone gave my housemate Wawa gift cards and now we're fully stocked on free egg nog. A rep at work brought me a little#holiday bag at work with a 'champagne' bottle of french vanilla hot chocolate mix and some nice candy. There's a squirrel who's gotten#spoiled by getting peanuts and now he hangs outside my second-story window on the tree and barks at me to demand more. Rent is going down#in my city of choice and hopefully things go well to move out of this city by the end of next year. Humans are going back to the moon. The#Webb Telescope has been showing us things at the edge of the galaxy I never thought I'd see. Otters and bats and owls and cats exist.#Humans have achieved net positive nuclear fusion...we made a star in a bottle. It's too early to be up right now on a Saturday.
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So the last time I tried to ride the bike my legs were like "haha fucker, you thought this would be exactly as easy as before? Psyyyycchhh" and I barely got a few blocks away before I had to return home
Well, since dad broke his knee, he's had to do physical therapy to get back to being able to walk properly, and one of the things included was one of those little under desk pedalers, and since he's not using it anymore I've commandeered it, like, maybe I just need to do a bit of my own physical therapy for some atrophy or something
Mistake, though, is that I've been doing it right before bed because that's the only time I remember, and then I lay here VERY AWAKE, someone please come knock me out
#kite rambles#i just hate that my legs are so capable in other ways#but the bike just killed me#squats all day everyday#bike? eeeepnope#it's a good thing i never ended up booking to work because it's all downhill to GET there#and then i would have tried to go home and died#anyway i napped too long today took so I'm having a lot of trouble shutting my brain off to sleep
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😐
#ive been added to this gc for the 3rd or 4th time after i explicitly asked to NOT be added back bc im always fucking getting ignored like#last time the person who added me was like omg i hope this is ok and i was like no it’s actually not ok i dont wanna be added back please#dont add me back and she was like omg im so sorry i totally understand :( and she did it again 😑#the reason i didnt wanna be added back was bc i considered them my best friends at some point but ever since like the p*ndemic started#everything just went downhill and on one hand i understand they have their own lives and don’t have time to answer etc but on the other hand#they never had time to reply to MYYYYYY messages specifically 🙃 and it hurt bitch to be always the one ignored#and the reason i havent left this time like i just didnt care to be added back was bc idc anymore like alsjfjfk im still in contact to#whoever i wanna be in contact with i still text someone individually like i don’t need to be in a group setting to be friends with this#person and she’s mentioned a bunch of times how dead it is lmao so i was like wtv i do send a text once in a blue moon but it’s not as#active as it was when i originally left so it’s not obvious when im ignored lol BUT!!!!!!#the person who added me back…. the person who IGNORED my boundaries and request to leave me the fuck alone has ignored every single message#ive sent since she added me back :)#like she literally just wants public for her little show and she did this even before i left and was the main person why i left lmao bc the#rest were like going through stuff and i was like u cant be here i get it but she’s always ANYWAYS SO ABOUT ME!!!#i literally sent a text i think yesterday? and she didn’t reply to it at all but she just started talking about herself like 😑 WHY DID U ADD#ME BACK!!!! u dont ‘miss US’ lmfao u miss that i kept the gc alive which gave u attention !!!!#i dont want to be ur fucking spectator go post it on fb#anyways end of rant 😌
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u guys cant judge me for anything i say after the first two sentences of this post are we clear. ok good. So ive been watching spn famously and there was one episode where theyre like you know. doing spn things.but supermassive black hole came on in the background and me and hal (im watching with hal obv) both shot up it was awesome
#it was super mega in the backgrojnd like as in it was playing in another room behind the dialogue. but i heard it and.got excited#bc its been stuck in my head for weeks#tisbe dont look#also im rly rly rly sry to say but i do think it had potential I HAVENT GOTTEN THAT FAR were watching the s2 finale today and ik the show#gets wayyy worse.. but like. i hate to say it some of the jokes do kinda land and the ones that dont are Rly fun to make fun of#there are some parts where im like. Oh dear god uts 2005 and your audience is 30 year old white dads whos only personality trait#is that they think theyd be able to survive a zombie apocalypse#and like there genuinely some gross shit in there . like badddd. but i like watching it and being able to turn to hal and were both like#Yeah that was bad. hashrag media literacy and stuff of that nature#abd then i theow my media literacy out the wjndow for asecond to think abt my spn rewrite thta isnt real and that would never happen but it#isss sort of slay i could fix her (the entire show)#ok sry. i dont post abt it bc well i dont post abt anything fandom or media related rly unless im lbing. but its a bit funny.... im like#simultaneously excited and scared to see how downhill the show goes#excited bc ik its gonna be rly funny in like A mocking it way but sad bc ik th show just like. forgets every interesting thing that it had#going for it..#i will say watchnng it is like a rollercoaster bc first of all istg it alternates between good episodes and bad episodes frequently#and second of all WITHIN the episode itll be like okay? good good borjng bad bad good Thats Racist. boring cliche Good Good okay whatever#interesting character motivation that they shit on Oh i love that song :] the end.#and rhen add in 50000 homophobic jokes#ALSO IM RLY SRY TO SAY IT BUT I HAVE LAUGHED AT THE HOMOPHOBIC JOKES IM RLY SRY. THEYRE AWFUL LIKE GENUINELY#BUT THEYRE SO OUT OF POCKER SOMETIMES .. theyve had lke 3 seperate hotel front desk ppl go Oh fags? you need a fag bed for gay people?#fslur#sorry. its a little funny to me in like Wow thats rly homophobic. yk. its complicated ok. im allowed to say this I legit grew up gay in ky#anywyas NOW rhats all. sry i always ramble.i prommy i wont be posting abt it that much ^-^ i should make a liveblogging blog though maybe..#not just for spn but just bc my lbs ALWAYS flood da dash... much 2 think abt
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vent
#vent#don't think i have seasonal depression but i hate the end of the school year being during spring#because then i have to think about the fact that i'm not even close to graduating#it took me 3 years to finish core classes because i kept failing and having to retake some due to procrastination that i feel is controllab#le but probably isn't and i think i have an underlying issue but i don't have a diagnosis. and i don't think i'm getting one anytime soon#because my sister is going to college next school year and our family is going to be short on spending money#and i feel guilty that it feels like im wasting my parent's money#whenever we visit family they always ask when i'm graduating and next year will be my fourth year but i'm not and i feel like a fucking#fool. and yes i see a lot of posts about college positivity and that it's a marathon not a race and that it takes everyone different#amounts of time to graduate but it does nothing if it feels like im wasting it all away over something i can easily control but what if#it's not that easy to control? i need a psychiatrist but the last time i tried to get an appointment they put me on a 6 week wait list that#i never heard from besides one call asking if i still wanted to be on it#and i can't go to my previous doctor anymore because i'm 21 now and have to go to the one my parents use#previous doctor told me i seem fine and didn't have anything wrong with me#and i feel like she's right#but this excessive procrastination didn't start until high school and where did everything go so wrong? why can't i complete school work in#a timely manner anymore? i was able to do it just fine in my first semester but ever since i went on a 2 day vacation it's all been downhil#and i can't seem to recreate the success of getting A's and B's that semester again
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after the vehicle hunt has been a big flop (the few vehicles I was interested in drove terribly on the test drives :( and car salesmen waaaay highballing cars worths which is. A crazy thing to do when I can literally look up the average worth of a car in 2 seconds??) after going to so so many websites and irl dealers. i found a van I really really love the look of and it’s only like an hour away!! (vintage van-rv combo!! Small enough to not be insane on gas while combining my many years long obsession with having a small rv-like thing AND my nostalgia for my now gone first van…)
And the thing is actually low priced for its type… but insanely out of my budget still 10,000 more than what I have. It’s insane how much vehicles cost. This thing is like 10 years older than I am and it still costs that much?? Wanting a thing really bad will have u googling shit like what body parts can I sell legally 💀
#long time followers will recall back in 2019 me rv posting CONSTANTLY the yearning is so real#I never looked for class b rvs bc they are insanely priced usually but this one is considered cheap (which is still insane)#with my measly part time job it will be many many months before I have that money#by then I’m sure it’ll be sold which makes me want to cry#I’ve applied to other part time jobs so maybe I could work 2 remote jobs…I’m at the point where I feel like I’ve been running on a hamster#wheel nonstop and it’s not getting me any results like I feel very. stuck and impatient#it’s frustrating!! and what if I somehow save up and it’s not bought then it also drives like shit 😭#I’ve never really minded being cooped up but lately it’s driving me a little crazy#maybe I’m just bad at saving I don’t know. like I genuinely don’t know how anyone manages to make it like this tho#but no bank or credit union will give me a loan for it bc of how old it was (I checked Friday) even tho I have good credit :(#I feel like the first half of this year was so awesome and it’s just been going downhill so fast it’s really. discouraging#sanchoyorambles#anyway all that to say if possible I might donate plasma or something despite how squeamish I am#I hate money and I hate having to need it and how stressful it is to spend it on big things like a vechicle I hate it I hate it#everything should be free and easy forever#I’ll probably end up with a stupid boring little car that I’ll hate bc that’s what I can afford. but it’ll be fine if I slap a cute sticker#on it or something. I thought my van kinda sucked af first too despite how proud I was to have bought it#and I still got reaaaallly emotionally attached to it so! who knows what’ll happen#but yeah. can someone explain WHY class b rvs cost THAt Much it’s stupid . things I want should be a lovely little 1000$#car and housd should be 1000$ for me because umm I’m nice and I’m trying really hard? 😔🤨#and it is a luxury that I can even wait a bit to decide since I have a remote job. I’m grateful for that but I’m also going stir crazy#it’ll be fine I just need to whine and Lament#fellow adults that drive sometimes….are we feelin this pain ….car shopping is evil
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i hate thinking about “ending the cycle of trauma” because i literally am the trauma. like my birth was the catalyst 😭 chat what do i do. and don’t say kys that doesn’t work
#vari posting#like if i was never conceived my parents wouldn’t fight over getting an abortion#and if my mom never gave birth they wouldn’t take their feelings out on each other because they would have agreed#they would have still been relatively happy and gotten married like they were going to before i came along#and my mom wouldn’t have ptsd or lose her ability to work#my dad wouldn’t feel pressured to get a high end job just to support me and he could just live#neither of them would be depressed/traumatized/anger issues/whatever#and every time i try to be independent my mom has a mental breakdown because i’m just like my father#whenever i establish boundaries my dad decides i need more counseling because he doesn’t want me to become like my mom#like it was literally my fault. how do i live with that#and how do i start a family without ruining that too#and before you say ‘no it wasn’t your fault’#yes it was. everyone in my family has said ‘it all went downhill when you were conceived’#so 😐 and they wonder why i wanna kms
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