#but my depression is bothering me now that my anxiety issues aren't consuming me

[rantceratops]

My anxiety is- so far -taken care of. Which is really awesome because it was consuming my life. But now that my anxiety isn’t occupying all my time, my depression is coming back to the forefront. Granted, the meds I’m taking also help with depression, so, I think they are helping with that to a degree. But, I’m still just... feeling so bored of everything. Sometimes I feel like I literally don’t have anything to do. At all. Nothing interests me, or else I know that if I start anything new and interesting I’ll suck at it and get discouraged. I’m already too timid to try things. It’s partly because I know I’ll suck at it and partly because it just can’t hold my damn interest for more than two seconds.

I feel like everything in life is a waste of time? Why should I try clay or keep drawing or find a new video game? Idk. I don’t feel suicidal I just feel bored. Like, extreme levels of bored. I was distracting myself with games real good for a while, but now I’m sick to death of that, and just, sitting in front of my computer all day doing the same thing every day gets old.

Why is it so hard to just... take care of myself or to find joy in things that I should like?

I’m hoping to god I don’t BECOME suicidal because of the meds or otherwise, but so far it’s been about a month and I feel fairly the same as usual about it.

I’m also just... isolating and avoiding so much. I can’t even talk to my friends. I’m so consumed with distracting myself or just can’t muster the energy to engage in conversation because, just like everything else, it doesn’t interest me. And I see how AWFUL that sounds. I love my friends! I don’t mean they’re not interesting, I just... god, I just can’t muster up the energy for anything other than trying to distract myself with games or youtube videos. It’s so isolating.

Nobody or nothing is really stopping me from talking, other than my messed up head. (I hate admitting this because it sounds so bad, but it’s just... I can’t even find the willpower or desire to respond or start a conversation even though in my heart I know I should and DO want to? It’s so weird to explain. But I just want to again say it’s not that... it’s not that my friends aren’t interesting or that I’m insinuating that they are supposed to entertain me, god no. It’s just like... everything that’s not a mind-numbing video game feels so difficult? -sigh- I hope what I’m trying to say is coming across.)

I will try to put this all into better words for my therapist and let her know it’s bothering me.

In some ways, I’m doing way better (the anxiety), but in others I’m... about the same or only slightly better (the depression). I’m not complaining though, I feel way better, even if I still have some bad moments and bad days.

I think I just have to do more to help the medicine and my therapy help me; I can’t just take the medicine and talk to my therapist and expect it to help me manage my mental illness without me changing things and/or acting on things, etc. I have to help it along.

[pappydaddy]

hi lovelies.

this is bit of a more real post, but i wanted to explain why i haven't been posting fics as fast as i used to and why i haven't been active as much.

the main reason is that i've been swamped. i am working full-time in a retail job so most of my time is consumed by that. ideally, i would have had an office job for the summer where i would have more time to play around with, but covid and my province screwed that one over.

majorly, however, i've been struggling. financially and mentally (also physically bc my health has been shit). i have been showing signs of clinical depression based on the DSM-V, but i do not want to self-diagnose. i mean, i struggle a lot mentally normally, i have an anxiety disorder, but lately, it has been harder than normal lovelies. and due to the lack of access to mental health resources, i have been waitlisted for therapists (thank you provincial government). now, i could go into my rant on how the cost of living is going up so therefore the province should be (a) making mental health services a priority, and (b) finding a way to have affordable mental health services, but i am not going to bore you with something that doesn't apply to you (unless you live in my shithole province).

just know, i am okay. i am managing. i am keeping afloat. i'm just a bit slower than normal as i try to manage. i like to think i am max keeping my music with me to protect myself from vecna (read: my mental issues). through my psychology degree, i have enough tools under my belt to help myself to a point, at this point, i am searching for someone to help beyond my ability to help myself and i am getting that *pause* in two-three months but maybe less than a month.

i am still working on fics. they are just going to come very slowly. one of my symptoms is a diminished interest in activities i once enjoyed (i.e., writing). and, as my fellow psychology majors know, that is one of the symptoms the DSM-V lists as a necessary symptom for a diagnosis of depression. of course, i am having a slew of other symptoms and problems (i described by issue to the receptionist as 'depression and a whole slew of things' - vague quote), but you guys don't need to know all of that.

i want you lovelies to know that if you need someone to talk to, i am always available. i might not get back right away, but i am here and i can relate to you. going through things alone is hard. reach out, you are never bothering someone and anyone working in a therapist's office is sympathetic and very professional (if they aren't than that's not the therapist for you). but, remember, therapy is a process and a therapeutic relationship is like any other relationship. sometimes it clicks, sometimes it doesn't. you have to feel it out.

i am off to work away slowly at writing on my good days + to listen to folklore/evermore.

i hope you lovelies have a great day/rest of day/night💛!