#but let's be honest he's actually eli hale-stilinski

[ryo-topia]

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

  Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

  Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski

  Characters: Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski, Eli Hale (Teen Wolf)

  Additional Tags: i pick and choose which parts of the movie to accept and ignore, Fix-It, and there is much that needs fixing, anyway here's canon sterek as dads, Derek Hale and Stiles Stilinski are Eli Hale's Parents, and they're gross and domestic about it, sterek are the most embarrassing parents, derek hale is alive and well in this one, no beta we die like the nazi werewolf, that's eli hale-stilinski to everyone btw

  Summary:

Derek realises there’s only two possibilities - either he’s dead and in heaven, which looks suspiciously like their room at home and has all their belongings in it. Or he’s alive and in their room and Stiles is in front of him, supremely pissed off. He’s not sure which one he would prefer.

[carebooks]

ELI’S PARENTS ARE DEREK AND STILES

YES I WILL ELABORATE. So I basically formed this crack theory up during the middle of the movie and in the midst of texting my cousin my on-air reaction.

Also, I'm not the biggest fan of mpreg, to each their own but I'd rather not have that be the explanation. So instead of that here's a tale of a clone baby inspired by Superboy, the love child between Lex Luthor and Clark Kent (specifically a one-sided not-so-love child)

Eli is the biological child of Derek Hale and Stiles Stilinski. How? Let’s discus:

- Five years after the events of S6 (four years after Allison’s death), Derek manages to get himself kidnapped yet again.

- It’s not surprising, it happens like once a season.

- This time it’s a Dread Doctor that took him. It’s said that the Beast fatally mauled them all, but for these purposes I’m going to have the Geneticist survive.

- (if you didn’t know it, the Geneticist was female) Over the years she’s been repairing herself and nursing herself back to her previous conditions. Now without the other doctors, she’s on her own and while she wants to continue her experiments and push the boundaries of science and alchemy even further, she also wanted revenge. The Beast was supposed to be their masterpiece but these teenagers destroyed everything they had worked for. She wouldn’t have care that much usually, the Beast was always the Surgeon’s obsession. But still, they belittled all of them, two of them dead, one barely alive, and all their experiments gone and demolished.

- She needed to start from scratch. Begin again and bring back the meaning of dread in Dread Doctor. But she’d require new specimens to work off of.

- Werewolves were always unusually loyal to their pack. And she’d need muscle, so she started with that. But she didn’t just want any werewolf, she wanted a prime specimen from one of the oldest families with the affliction. Scott McCall might’ve been a True Alpha, but he was a bitten rarity, something that all three doctors agreed wouldn’t be possible to replicate. Still, he was no Hale. Hale’s had gone back hundreds of years. The only family capable of shifting into an actual wolf. And now her options were limited thanks to that horribly intrusive werewolf hunting family.

- Peter Hale, nowhere to be found. Though not a prime subject, his wolf form was more beast than animal. And, as records show, he had been killed before and brought back which depleted his abilities. UNSUITABLE

- Malia Hale, also difficult in locating but not impossible. Last seen, helping the McCall Pack against hunters near the Sierra Forest, Ca. Capable of shifting into a coyote but that is not the intended target. Her coyote DNA could infect the entire experiment. The Doctor required loyalty, coyote’s weren’t exactly famous for it. UNSUITABLE.

- Cora Hale, last scene traveling in South America and heading North to cross the border to meet with her older brother. While a prime target, she hasn’t achieved her evolved shifting quite like her older brother has. Too far to locate but the only other specimen that was a probability. TBD.

- Derek Hale, traveling with Scott McCall and the rest of the McCall Pack. Currently in an on-going fight against hunters that left Beacon Hills to finish them off. And the only Hale alive capable of shifting into a wolf. SUITABLE.

- She decides to go with Derek Hale.

- She kidnaps him.

- He’s missing for a few weeks before his friends find a way to locate him. I’ll come up with that later.

- During that time she figures out she can’t just grow a new copy from just his set of DNA, she needs two sets, as that’s what builds a person or whatever, to be honest I’m going off Superboy logic just like how Lex Luthor grew a baby with Superman bc he had a crush on Clark.

- She decides to use a human’s DNA as it will balance out the wolf genes. She can’t use her own, it’s effed up over the years. Besides, someone’s tripped her silent alarms that lead to her secret lab.

- It’s two of McCall’s pack members, the human and the beta. She knocks them out fast, the beta took more work whilst the human ran to find the Hale. She knocked him out too. As she’s chaining them up she realizes that a viable human subject has just delivered itself to her doorstep.

- She takes Stiles’ DNA.

- Once she’s done with that, the rest of the pack show up and she’s outnumbered. She grabs her equipment, including both DNA specimens she took from the men and bolts.

- It takes her a year of experimentations and botched results but she was finally growing her Hale specimen. She made sure to age up the child so as to not deal with an infant.

- The experiment took that year to fully grow and look like the age of a ten year old child. The perfect age to adapt and be impressionable upon, but not so young he’d be traumatized for the rest of his life.

- He escaped the second he could. He couldn’t explain why, he could smell it in the air, something was wrong with whoever that thing— person was.

- He has two sets of DNA in him, that came with some unintentionally leftover memories in his head. He found himself in Beacon Hills. Something about it seemed so familiar but it also… pulling at him somewhat.

- He found what remained of the Hale House.

- He visited the high school and narrowly escaped from questioning and curious adults about a random 10 year old.

- It wasn’t long before a Sheriff’s Deputy found him when he stole food from a food truck.

- He refused to say a word. And then he met the Sheriff.

- He was easy to talk to, he felt like he could trust him, and then he told him about what he remembered- about where he came from. He told him about the Hale memories in his head and the Sheriff thought it best to call the only Hale who could handle this.

that’s all i got so far but i’ll get into him meeting Derek (and Stiles) at some point. any thoughts? any ideas? feel free!

[the-somewhat-rambling-reviewer]

Teen Wolf (2023) Movie Thoughts (Mostly Ranting)

Mainly, I'm disappointed.

First here are the things I'm neutral about/did like:

I honestly thought Liam was Stiles at first. It could just be me, but Sprayberry strongly resembles O'Brien, and Liam came across more like a mature, collected Stiles than a grown Liam in that first scene.

For all the issues I have with Derek's storyline, I did like both the writing and the acting presented dad!Derek. I liked the fact Derek is helping out law enforcement when there's fires being set around Beacon Hills.

Unfortunately, this is pretty much all I liked, and to be clear, mistaking Liam for Stiles is something I'm neutral about. I didn't particularly care one way or another about Liam in the movie, and I was fine with Stiles not being in the movie.

Liam's girlfriend is another thing I'm neutral about. I'm not going to hate on an actress for accepting a job when another actress was done dirty. I didn't dislike this new character, but I didn't see anything that made me interested in her, either.

Now onto what I didn't like.

For all I liked dad!Derek, it rubbed me the wrong way that there was no mention at all of Eli's mother. It seemed pretty clear to me that Eli was Derek's biological son, and so, this is not a case of single Derek adopting a kid, which, I'd be totally down for.

Look, was he married? Is he divorced? As much as I usually hate the trope of dead mothers, is she dead? Did he have a one-night stand, and she handed the baby over with explicit instructions to never contact her? Did he get involved with another horrible woman, and there's a court order stating that, if she comes within hundred feet of Beacon Hills before Eli is eighteen, she'll be arrested?

Moving on, I could unhappily accept complete lack of Corey, but Mason as a cop?

No.

Nope.

Uh-uh.

This is like if Lydia was a deputy.

Bear with the jumbled way I try to express this.

Sheriff Stilinski and Parrish are both intelligent men. In this universe, maybe, BLM doesn't even need to be a thing, because, the justice system is largely fair and about actually protecting people.

If so, then, the police would be essentially a blue-collar job, and I absolutely do not intend to demean honest, hard-working blue-collar workers.

Mason had an insanely high GPA, he genuinely loved science, was a bonafide bookworm, and there were hints he was from an upper-middle-class background.

If he decided on the justice system, he'd be a lawyer or some type of specialist, but I really doubt he'd decide on the justice system in the first place.

He wasn't particularly athletic, and while he wasn't one to naturally challenge authority, he wasn't one who would try to uphold authority, either. Yes, he wanted to help people, to protect them, but he was more, 'let's figure this out so that I can get back to kissing my boyfriend, working on my grades, and learning all this cool stuff about my friends,' than anything.

But moving on, I wish I could have liked the Ethan mention, but it's not great when a person goes to a dangerous place to put themselves in danger without telling their significant other, and it's even worse when they decide to do all this despite knowing that their significant other has big, big problems with them doing so.

Assuming Ryan Kelley or whoever that bare-bottom belonged to was okay with their naked bottom being shown and touched on TV, then, yay for equal opportunity fanservice, but ugh to Parrish/Malia.

Ugh to Malia apparently going by the surname Hale now.

I could have been on-board with Harris' return, but the movie had to frell that up.

I accepted a long time ago that Harris being Jackson's biological father wouldn't happen, but it's canon that Harris showed genuine concern, possibly even affection, for Jackson.

And of course, his motivation is that, like almost all the villains, whether correct in doing so or not, he blames Scott for his pain and suffering.

I wouldn't say Adam Fristoe was bad, he does seem to be a good actor, but aside from all my problems with Harris' role, I felt as if Fristoe was playing a way different character than Harris ever was.

Random, but when I first the line, "They call me Mister Tibbs," I thought, 'But the character is a detective.'

I had a similar thing when Peter referred to Deaton as 'Mister' Deaton. He is a licensed veterinary doctor.

The thing is, I honestly don't think this was a race thing with Deaton, but that's where my mind went.

Finally, onto Allison.

This had the potential to be great, but it wasn't.

Erica and Boyd were never brought up. So, everyone going on about how Allison wouldn't harm a fifteen-year-old boy- how old was Boyd when Chris himself said, paraphrased, 'Caught came awfully close to kill.'? Erica was sixteen when Allison shot an arrow at her whilst she was lying on the ground from another arrow shot.

Whether Allison ever truly felt bad for contributing to Erica's death or whether she was just horrified she became this person she recognised as immoral due to manipulation was, arguably, never made clear in the series.

That could have been explored. Has everything made her a coldly practical person who is determined never to cross certain moral lines and to follow this path of being a warrior, or is she a passionate, empathetic person who is trying to heal from the mistakes she wishes she could take back but knows she can't?

Chris had a line about how he'd kill to protect a fifteen-year-old boy, but whether he actually did hold a gun to Scott's head to get Allison to agree to stop seeing Scott or that was unreliable narration, he did do a lot of other things to make it clear that teenage shifters were lesser in his eyes.

And I'm still convinced, if he could have, he would have locked Lydia in his basement after her fugue state until she either died from a combination of starvation, dehydration, and possibly infection, or until she turned, whereupon he either would have killed her or secretly deposited her in Eichen's.

In the end, it was all about Scott/Allison, not about Allison rediscovering/reclaiming herself.

This is minor, but Scott not knowing what 'wistful' means was stupid. I didn't buy that.

That's all for now.

Fin.