#but lance has always been coded as self sacrificial and as if he could never be enough. as if he would never amount to anything

[delaneytveit]

Satellites Part 13

WHOOOOO we’re halfway thereeee! OOOHHHHH (Actually we’ve been a little bit more than half way for a bit) but don’t worry, there’s still A LOT of story to get through. If you guys enjoyed this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it, please consider buying me a coffee! 

Oh and I’m on twitter! if you want to give a follow, or watch me scream into the void about Lance in tactical gear, that’s the place! 

Twitter - sfw -> @/spacemom_laney | nsfw -> @/15_agentwash

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 ( Part 12 ) ( Satellites Master Post ) (Part 14) 

The team left at 0800 the next morning. Allura had convinced, after quite a long time, Blue to let her pilot. Though it was clear that Blue was not happy about it. The only lion that was missing was the red one.

Keith had chosen to stay behind, to much confusion of the team. Though Lance could vaguely guess why. He felt guilty. Keith had been the one to bring into question Lance’s ability to complete missions, and even though that wasn’t his intention, he knew that it still hurt Lance.

Their relationship was rocky as it was. Neither of them really knew where they stood with the other, what they were to each other, and it seemed that the present situation had complicated things even more so.

Lance was refusing to talk to Keith, and it hurt. He hadn’t meant to indirectly ground the sharpshooter. He had only wanted to voice his concerns to Allura, positive that she would be able to do something for Lance that he couldn’t.

Normally, the only kind of confrontation Keith would be willing to face was violent, but he didn’t want to fight Lance. He wanted to apologize. To take responsibility for what was happening to Lance. He owed him that much at least.

It wasn’t hard to track the Blue Paladin down. He had locked himself in his room since breakfast. It was a good thing Keith knew the code by heart.

Punching in the code, he was relieved when the door whooshed open revealing Lance sitting at his desk. Keith could hear the volume of the headphones from where he stood, which made him cringe. The EDM music that Lance listened to was loud enough, didn’t anyone warn him of blowing out an eardrum?

Keith knocked twice before taking loud steps towards the boy, hoping that they would be loud enough to let Lance know that he was there. Lance’s anxiety had spiked dramatically since his return and it took one accidental sneak up by Pidge to inform the team that it was vital for Lance to know that you were coming, so as to avoid a swift punch to the face out of panic.

“What do you want, Keith?” Lance sighed as he removed his earphones. He swiveled his chair to look at the red paladin, arms crossed as he leaned back in his seat.

This was it, Keith had been rehearsing his apology for hours now, trying to make it sound as genuine and coherent as possible. Though at the very moment, what ever award winning speech he had come up with beforehand had vanished as those hard blue eyes stared into him.

“I’m sorry.” he blurted out, cursing himself for his lack of grace.

He immediately dropped his gaze, eyes staring at the floor. There was only a tense silence between them, and Keith begged his mind to come up with something, anything to put an end to this crushing feeling.

But of course, his mind, nor his mouth could seem to work correctly.

It was Lance who broke the silence instead.

“For?” he asked, the question forcing Keith to look up and face the boy. Blue eyes met his once more, a questioning brow raised as Lance waited for Keith to answer.

He could do this.

“I shouldn’t have told Allura about all of this. I- I didn’t know that she would take you off of missions. I should have talked to you and voiced my concerns to you, you didn’t deserve what Allura did to you and it's my fault that it happened. And I am so, so sorry for that.” He was rambling, he knew he was. How did people do this? How did they apologize?

He was only stopped when Lance held up his hand.

“I appreciate the apology, I really do. And to be honest, I’m glad that you told Allura. I don’t think she would have found out if you hadn’t. I’m not mad at you Keith.”

“You’re not?”

Lance chuckled a little, running a hand through his hair.

“I mean, I am a little bit. But I think I’m more pissed at the situation in general.” Lance leaned forward, perching his elbows on his knees. Looking down at his clasped hands, Lance spoke “You guys are right, I’m not okay. I haven’t been for a while and no matter how much I pretend that I am, I’m just hurting myself. I’m not getting better.” he sounded so...broken. Lance never really talked about himself, at all really. Superficial things, sure. Like how he got barely any sleep, or that he missed his mom’s cooking. But he never really talked about things deeper than that. Keith hadn’t really noticed until now, but Lance had been hiding a big part of himself away this entire time, and it only came out at his most vulnerable times at night.

A year ago, Keith would have thought of the way that Lance talks about himself as vain, but now he knew that it wasn’t really the case. Lance has been putting on a mask this whole time.

“But we don’t have time. The universe doesn’t have time for me to get better. It's a long ass process that Voltron can’t afford.”

He was right, of course he was right. Lance was vital to Voltron, even if he didn’t really see himself that way. He still knew that Voltron needed him. It was even more present today with Blue’s little tantrum about having to take on Allura as a pilot.

“But is the universe really more important than having you here?” That was what Keith was most afraid of. Lance had always been the self-sacrificial type. He couldn’t argue that he himself was any better, but Lance seemed to take it to a whole new level. The paladin would miss sleep and meals to make sure that everyone else was taken care of. He would jump in front of a bullet in a second to spare the others. On one occasion Lance had bounded into a burning building to save a few children stuck on the third floor, that had been the worst as it only reminded Keith of how he lost his father. He couldn’t lose Lance too.

“Keith-”

“No, Lance. Listen to me. The universe is not worth you throwing yourself away like that. What you need time to heal, what you went through was fucking terrible. It's no wonder you have PTSD from it.”

“We are the literal Defenders of the Universe, I can’t just not do my job!”

“I’m not asking you to stop being a paladin! I’m asking to for once in your life put yourself first. We need you, I need you! You need to let yourself heal from all of this because there is no Voltron if you continue to let your own health fall by the wayside!” Keith meant every word of it. They needed Lance. They needed him to come back, to be the best he could be, and as hard as he was trying right now, this wasn’t it.

“I’m worried for you, Lance. I can’t lose you too.” Keith’s voice was so small, he himself almost didn’t hear it. But he knew that Lance did, as the boy stood up from his seat and walked over to Keith, instantly wrapping his arms around the shorter one.

“You won’t Keith, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Keith breathed in the scent of ocean and sandalwood of Lance’s detergent, and thanked whatever higher being was there that Lance had insisted on buying his own detergent all those mall trips ago. The pompous asshole had good taste in soap, and it comforted Keith easily.

“Just promise me you’ll at least try.”

He felt Lance take a deep breath.

“I am trying, Keith. I’m trying every day.” If Keith felt the shaky breaths or the wetness on his shoulder, he said nothing. It was clear that Lance needed this as much as he did, maybe even more. “I never wished I was Shiro, more than I do right now. He’s been through everything and he’s able to handle it all so easily.”

Oh, absolutely not. There was no way in hell Keith would let Lance talk about himself like that.

He pulled away from their hug, to much of his own dismay, and held Lance at arms length. Violet eyes bore into icy blue ones. The eyes that he could get lost in, but now as not the time to think about that, Keith.

“Lance, you said it yourself. WHat Shiro went through and what you went through was completely different.”

“But-”

“No. You really think that Shiro would be in any better of a state than you are now after being treated the way you were? I have no idea the extent of what they did to you, but I do know that it had to have been absolute hell. You don’t get to compare your pain to others, just because they seem to be doing better than you. Your pain is your own, so stop being an idiot and just acknowledge the fact that those guys are assholes!”

Keith was most definitely not expecting a chuckle from the Blue Paladin, but he assumed it would be better than the alternative.

“That was good, Mullet. You come up with all that yourself?”

Keith rolled his eyes. Of course, leave it to Lance to make a joke about a serious conversation.

“As a matter of fact, I did. And I’ll say it again. As many times as I need to for it to get through your tiny brain.”

“Hey! I’ll assure you my brain is of average size. Some may say it's even above average!”

It was Keith’s turn to laugh.

“Yeah, I’m sure it is.” he joked offhandedly, letting his grip on Lance’s arms finally fall.

Lance fixed him with his characteristically famous smirk that Keith knew could only mean trouble.

“Want to know what else is above average size?” Lance waggled his eyebrows knowingly as Keith facepalmed.

“Oh my god, Lance. No!”