#but it's a decent summary of Nisha's arc w/regards to accepting help

[kerra-and-company]

14 from the angst/fluff prompts! -Knight of the Thorn

Heya! Thanks so much for the prompt! :D @knight-of-the-thorn Have this thing that got way longer than I expected! (Fic continues below the cut!)

14: “I can’t do this on my own.”

Warnings: self-deprecation, emotional denial, a semi-unreliable narrator in places, spoilers for HoT

i. 1323 AE, somewhere in Maguuma

“Hey, Nish!” Rel called.

Xe stopped and turned. “Yes?”

“One of my lute strings snapped,” he said, holding up the offending instrument, “and I need to restring it. Could you help me?”

An utterly transparent request. Rel’s fingers were nimble, made to stitch wounds together and weave patterns with his magic. He would have no problem restringing his lute. He wanted xyr presence, not xyr help.

But xe was exhausted. Xyr Mother’s concern pressed in on xyr mind, and the Itzel near Rel looked at xem with too-wide eyes, and it was too much. Xe would break, and that couldn’t happen. Xe had to be strong.

“I need to sleep, Rel. If you are still having trouble in the morning, I’ll help you then.”

Nisha headed towards xyr hut on the village outskirts, pretending xe couldn’t feel xyr brother’s gaze burning into xyr back.

ii. 1325 AE, headquarters of the Durmand Priory

Rel had left, on his way to Caledon. Nisha had let him go because xe had to.

But xe felt like xe was balancing on the lip of a deep well without him. Xe could fall at any moment, and xe might never be able to climb out.

Xe was so distracted by trying not to cry that xe nearly missed the asura just inside the Prior entrance. Xe skirted around her, but xe brushed just a little too close to her fiery hair and leapt back with a quiet “Ow!”

The Archon spun around, dropping her stack of books on the floor. “Oh, by the Alchemy! I’m sorry, Nisha, I didn’t notice you—are you—”

“I am fine, Archon, but thank you,” xe said, unable to keep a tremor from xyr voice and cursing xemself for it.

She was about to bend down to pick up the books, but she paused and narrowed her eyes. “No, you’re not.”

“I am…uninjured,” Nisha rephrased. Xyr voice was steady this time. Xe was thankful for it.

The asura’s eyes narrowed further. It made Nisha feel far too seen, and xe barely resisted the urge to lash out. But she stayed silent for a moment, simply retrieving the novels from the ground and standing up again. Then she snapped her fingers, the sound muffled by her gloves.

“Nisha. Every time I reshelve these books, I have to get on a stepladder. I hate stepladders, and you need something to do. Come help me.”

“You don’t need me, Archon.” Politely dismissive.

“No, I don’t. But I could use your help,” she said. Her eyes were bright. “And I, in fact, want your help.”

Nisha wasn’t sure what to think or say. A small part of xyr mind whispered, Maybe this is okay. Maybe it’s all right to let her help you. She wants to help you. She’s not upset—

“As long as we don’t make small talk,” Nisha blurted out.

The Archon grinned. “Fine with me.”

Shelving was surprisingly straightforward—xe was certainly tall enough to make it easy. At the end of it, the Archon asked Nisha to call her Cio.

Xe agreed.

iii. 1326 AE, a hut in the Wayfarer Hills

Nisha felt like xe’d been through one of the clothes ringers humans used. Xe sat on the bed next to Kerra, who had tear tracks on both cheeks and a bandage on her side. Felix was curled up on the floor to their left, truly calm for the first time since Nisha had arrived.

“I can’t do this on my own, you know,” Kerra whispered, the faintest shadow of a smile curving her lips upward. “Will you stay with me?”

“I just found you,” Nisha said, quiet but firm. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Kerra smiled in earnest, then. “Good. Because you can’t do this alone, either.”

“I beg your pardon?” Nisha said, eyebrows raising as if xe hadn’t just had an emotional outburst capable of leveling a small village.

“Neither of us are okay. And we have other people—other friends, our siblings—but…” Her glow flared for a moment. “I’ll help you, when you need it, and you’ll help me when I need it. That’s the deal.”

“I wasn’t aware we were making a deal.” Nisha was struck with a completely unexpected urge to laugh.

Kerra’s head bobbed, and her eyes met Nisha’s. “We are.” A flicker of amusement. “You know, you really shouldn’t question your Commander—”

“You are aware that I’m not technically part of the Pact, right?” Nisha interrupted.

It was barely even a joke, but Kerra burst into slightly broken (but still genuine) laughter, the calm after the storm. It must have pulled at her stitches, but she didn’t seem to care.

It took Nisha a few seconds to realize xe was absolutely beaming, and it took xem another thirty to even consider stopping.

iv. 1328 AE, the middle of Tangled Depths

It was one moment. One second. But Mordremoth roared, and Nisha stumbled.

OBEY.

NO, xe roared back, silently. MY head, mine, my own, get OUT! I will not submit; I will NOT let you kill me like you killed my mother—

A hand on xyr shoulder, fingers squeezing, and xe’s eyes snapped open to see Canach standing in front of xem. Nisha distantly wondered how he’d even reached xyr shoulder; he was so much shorter than xem.

Then xe realized that xe was on xyr knees in the dirt.

“Nisha?”

He was afraid for xem, and Nisha hated it. But at the same time, he was there. He was there in front of xem, and he was trying to help. It was too close and too far and too much and not enough.

Xe forced xemself to raise xyr head and meet his gaze. Behind him, xe could see Marjory’s outline, fidgeting just slightly in a way that reminded Nisha of her girlfriend, Kasmeer.

“I’m still me. I apologize for scaring you, both of you. I was…caught off guard.”

“You are not the only one who can hear Mordremoth’s voice, you know,” Canach said, voice as dry as the Silverwastes. His face was impassive, but his eyebrows were furrowed.

“I was not trying to lie,” Nisha replied. “I really am okay.” Xe searched his expression, looking for clues. If there were any, xe couldn’t read them. “Are you?”

Some of the cockiness came back, and he smirked, but it was tense. “I assure you that I am also still myself.”

“You’d better be,” xe said, and then hesitated. “And tell me if you’re not. Please.”

He just nodded, and xe noticed his hand was still on xyr shoulder.

And then Kerra came stumbling out of the jungle. A very ruffled Felix followed in her footsteps.

Nisha was on xyr feet in under a second, as was Canach.

“Ran into some trouble,” the Commander said, relief and terror in her voice.

“Out there, or in here?” Canach asked, gesturing to his head.

“Both,” Kerra replied, eyes shadowed. “And you?”

“We did, too,” Nisha said, strong and clear. “But we’ll be all right.”

Marjory said something about a sylvari code that she didn’t understand, but Nisha was much more focused on a strange feeling in the back of xyr mind, spurred on by Kerra’s half-smile and Canach’s steadfast presence at xyr side.

In this jungle, full of danger and bad memories and an Elder Dragon, xe somehow felt safe.

v. 1328 AE, the Pact base camp in Dragon’s Stand

Nisha stood next to Kerra as the Commander strapped her dagger to her side. “I want to check with you one more time. Are you certain you want me to lead the assault on the Mouth?”

“Nish, you’ve fought for these soldiers since we reached Maguuma,” Kerra said, twisting slightly to fasten the buckle on her belt. “They know you helped defeat Zhaitan and Scarlet, and they know you personally. You’re not from an individual Order, so this isn’t favoritism. You’re the logical choice.” She grinned, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Besides, you’re trusting me to keep your brother safe. I trust you with this.”

“Do you think they’ll be comfortable with having sylvari head both arms of this operation?”

The Commander’s grin stretched just a little wider than it should have, and she slid her bow into its holder on her back. “They’ll have to be.”

Nisha took a deep breath and settled xyr shoulders. “All right, then.”

The two of them left the tent and emerged into the crowd. Kerra went to join her strike team—Rytlock, Braham, Caithe, Canach, and Rel. Nisha met the gazes of xyr friends and xyr brother and thought with all xyr being, If any of you die, I’m going to kill you.

Kerra, who could pick up the emotional gist of that message, let out a snort that she barely managed to turn into a cough and nodded. Canach and Rel nodded too, the first with an odd set to his mouth and the latter with a distant but determined look in his eyes. Braham stared back with a specific type of steadiness xe recognized, Rytlock didn’t stare at all, and Caithe’s eyes slipped away from xyrs.

Xe inhaled and exhaled quietly one more time, and xe climbed atop a stack of crates. Xe’d never been one for speeches, but xe’d thought this one through, rewritten it three times, and practiced it over and over again. Xe knew what to say.

“Defenders of Tyria!” Nisha shouted, and the camp went utterly silent. The soldiers’ focus was entirely on xem, and xe focused on a tree just over their heads. You can do this.

“When the Pact fleet flew over Maguuma, Mordremoth brought it down—brought us down. We lost leaders, allies, and friends.”

“But we are still alive. We are not beaten. We live, we breathe, and we fight!”

The Pact let out a noise somewhere between a cheer and a scream, and Nisha gestured to Kerra, whose eyes were wide.

“Our Commander goes to defeat Mordremoth’s mind. We must defeat its body.” Xe glanced over the crowd now, meeting the eyes of each sylvari amongst them. “The dragon is a dangerous enemy. But I tell you this—we are not afraid! We will never kneel!”

Nisha unsheathed xyr sword and thrust it into the air. “TO VICTORY!”

“TO VICTORY!” the Pact roared in return, waving daggers and rifles and maces above their heads. Nisha jumped off the crates as the soldiers dispersed to their lieutenants and made xyr way to the Commander’s side.

“Time for both of us to go, I think,” xe said.

Kerra shook her head as if to clear it. “Yes, it is. Is everyone ready?”

“Yes, Commander,” came the chorus, and “Yes, Kerra,” said Rel.

“Are you ready, Nisha?” Kerra asked, turning to xem.

“Yes,” Nisha said, slightly surprised to find it to be true. “I know I can’t do this alone.” Xe smiled.

“Luckily, I am anything but.”