#but im curious; if you're trans- did you have the same kind of feelings? did your orientation change?

[kaijubrains]

Rambling about how transness intersects with my aro-aceness and self esteem under the cut. Just some introspection. Very NSFW:

Been lurking on the ftm subreddit again, and it seems like some peoples sexuality changes after they start testosterone therapy. So now I’m curious if mine will change after I start T later this week?

Heavily leaning towards “no” but it’s always a possibility. However this year I have had a big increase in the amount of sex dreams of getting my dick sucked or topping someone. Despite, you know, not having one. Fuckin phantom dick syndrome... ghost dick

I still don’t think I would do those things with people IRL. I still dont think I have any romantic/sexual feeling for people whatsoever. Just directionless horniness as usual. I am very content with the thought of being aromantic and asexual for the rest of my life, which is cool!

But it’s got me wondering if I am actually aro/ace, or do I just feel that was because I never wanted to feel like a “woman” in a relationship? Or NEVER wanted sex with the current parts I have? If I was born with the other bits, would I still identify as asexual?

Or am I aro/ace due to low self esteem? Growing up, no one EVER asked me out, or even complimented my looks a single time. I was bullied for it. I was the go-to punchbag for guys asking me out for their friends “as a joke” (Note: don’t do that bullshit ever). So it’s like “you can’t hurt me, I dont have romantic/sexual feelings for you to exploit anyway!”. Am I faking it as a self-defence mechanism?

I hope I remain aro-ace. It makes life easier in some aspects. Because let’s be honest: nobody is gonna wanna get topped by an overweight, 5′2′’ transdude with a microdick. I’m just not at all appealing lol

IDK not gonna worry about it too much; whatever happens, happens. And just trying to focus on the small start of growing self-confidence that coming out as trans HAS given me. Good stuff is happening. I’m feeling better about myself overall!

[pillarsalt]

hi Im the same ex transmasc anon who sent you that aask about rhe tumblr ban thing, I did a lot of reading without forcing myself away this time. (I used to look at radblr sometimes bc I got curious, but when it started making too much sense i would make myself stop reading and tell myself I was being manipulated and try to forget about it..looking back that probably wasnt normal haha,)

I have mixed feelings tho. I don’t regret looking closer, the amount of sexism in the trans community was horrible. I think even radfems don’t understand how bad it was because it was all subtle styff. But seeing it constantly irl and online was terrible for me as a female. It gave me so much internalized misogyny, it made me hate myself and I felt worthless and stupid! and whiny! and annoying! all the time!! unless I was able to be perceived as a man. I felt like I had to be a man to have any respect in the community. I remember being so amazed to see abortion be covered by trans people I followed in even a reblog because it was the first time I saw people in the community talk about female issues at all. Even then it was covered with disclaimers and terfs DNI banners. male,opinions were always prioritized.

I thought this was dysphoria and a sign I was really a man. then I started reading radfem things and its like that feeling instantly lifted. I felt respected, listened to, even though I wasn’t speaking. It was also like all this stuff I’d internalized from being female, all the trauma around sex based oppression, was actually being addressed. in trans circles you get called a terf for acknowledging females face any kind of oppression (they acknowledge sex when it’s to talk about how hard male loneliness is on young trans women, and how the incel to trans woman pipeline happens, though…)

but the reason I have mixed feelings is bc I now feel….dumb? And afraid. And angry. I spend well over a decade being part of this community, half my friends are in the community, I’ve been trans since I was 9. My typings not the best… dyslexia sucks lol. But I like to think I’m smart. Now I don’t know,

And it makes me think totally different of these people I saw as progressive cis male allies, who were so loud about trans rights and hating JKR and terfs. Now they just feel like the same flavor of anti-feminist man I hate.

And the community is so huge and it’s so widely accepted and I don’t know how to deal!

But I am happy to be a woman now. In a healthy way I haven’t been for a long time. thats all that matters.

I'm sorry for everything you were put through. Many girls and women have been sucked into this thinking it will provide a solution for their distress at the social ramifications of the body they're born in, only for more people, namely men, to take advantage of their distress and gain power over them. As you mentioned, even "cis" men get in on the action when they justify intimidating and threatening women with violence in response to perceived transphobia. It's a terrible situation to be in. Made worse when you can't openly talk about with people you're close to for fear of alienating them.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You ARE smart. You questioned what you were told was never allowed to be questioned and realized you were being misled. And what you said about trying to make yourself forget the realizations you've had, that is normal. It's a difficult and scary thing to hold opinions that conflict with those of the majority of your peers. I think it's like the climax of cognitive dissonance -- when what you know is true clashes so hard against what you want to believe, you find it impossible to justify anymore, so you just resort to pretending you never learned the information in the first place. Been there.

I'm just being a stereotype now, but there's a classic Dworkin quote for this:

"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships."

Anyway my point is, don't beat yourself up. I'm really happy to read that you're accepting your womanhood, it's a hard journey but it's worth it to have a good relationship with yourself. And in my experience (at the sage and wisened age of 25) that it gets easier as you get older. You work through mistakes, and that prepares you to handle the next mistake better. You're right, your health and happiness is all that matters, keep striving for that and it will steer you right.

I wanted to give you some reading recommendations, you mentioned you have dyslexia but I believe these two are available in audiobook form if that's up your alley:

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez

There are tons more great books on feminism but these two are my go-tos for hard facts on gender, socialization, and the systematic discrimination against women worldwide through biases that are built into society.

Well uh; TLDR thanks for gracing my inbox, anon :) Hope you keep well.