#but im curious; if you're trans- did you have the same kind of feelings? did your orientation change?

[kaijubrains]

Rambling about how transness intersects with my aro-aceness and self esteem under the cut. Just some introspection. Very NSFW:

Been lurking on the ftm subreddit again, and it seems like some peoples sexuality changes after they start testosterone therapy. So now I’m curious if mine will change after I start T later this week?

Heavily leaning towards “no” but it’s always a possibility. However this year I have had a big increase in the amount of sex dreams of getting my dick sucked or topping someone. Despite, you know, not having one. Fuckin phantom dick syndrome... ghost dick

I still don’t think I would do those things with people IRL. I still dont think I have any romantic/sexual feeling for people whatsoever. Just directionless horniness as usual. I am very content with the thought of being aromantic and asexual for the rest of my life, which is cool!

But it’s got me wondering if I am actually aro/ace, or do I just feel that was because I never wanted to feel like a “woman” in a relationship? Or NEVER wanted sex with the current parts I have? If I was born with the other bits, would I still identify as asexual?

Or am I aro/ace due to low self esteem? Growing up, no one EVER asked me out, or even complimented my looks a single time. I was bullied for it. I was the go-to punchbag for guys asking me out for their friends “as a joke” (Note: don’t do that bullshit ever). So it’s like “you can’t hurt me, I dont have romantic/sexual feelings for you to exploit anyway!”. Am I faking it as a self-defence mechanism?

I hope I remain aro-ace. It makes life easier in some aspects. Because let’s be honest: nobody is gonna wanna get topped by an overweight, 5′2′’ transdude with a microdick. I’m just not at all appealing lol

IDK not gonna worry about it too much; whatever happens, happens. And just trying to focus on the small start of growing self-confidence that coming out as trans HAS given me. Good stuff is happening. I’m feeling better about myself overall!

[pillarsalt]

hi Im the same ex transmasc anon who sent you that aask about rhe tumblr ban thing, I did a lot of reading without forcing myself away this time. (I used to look at radblr sometimes bc I got curious, but when it started making too much sense i would make myself stop reading and tell myself I was being manipulated and try to forget about it..looking back that probably wasnt normal haha,)

I have mixed feelings tho. I don’t regret looking closer, the amount of sexism in the trans community was horrible. I think even radfems don’t understand how bad it was because it was all subtle styff. But seeing it constantly irl and online was terrible for me as a female. It gave me so much internalized misogyny, it made me hate myself and I felt worthless and stupid! and whiny! and annoying! all the time!! unless I was able to be perceived as a man. I felt like I had to be a man to have any respect in the community. I remember being so amazed to see abortion be covered by trans people I followed in even a reblog because it was the first time I saw people in the community talk about female issues at all. Even then it was covered with disclaimers and terfs DNI banners. male,opinions were always prioritized.

I thought this was dysphoria and a sign I was really a man. then I started reading radfem things and its like that feeling instantly lifted. I felt respected, listened to, even though I wasn’t speaking. It was also like all this stuff I’d internalized from being female, all the trauma around sex based oppression, was actually being addressed. in trans circles you get called a terf for acknowledging females face any kind of oppression (they acknowledge sex when it’s to talk about how hard male loneliness is on young trans women, and how the incel to trans woman pipeline happens, though…)

but the reason I have mixed feelings is bc I now feel….dumb? And afraid. And angry. I spend well over a decade being part of this community, half my friends are in the community, I’ve been trans since I was 9. My typings not the best… dyslexia sucks lol. But I like to think I’m smart. Now I don’t know,

And it makes me think totally different of these people I saw as progressive cis male allies, who were so loud about trans rights and hating JKR and terfs. Now they just feel like the same flavor of anti-feminist man I hate.

And the community is so huge and it’s so widely accepted and I don’t know how to deal!

But I am happy to be a woman now. In a healthy way I haven’t been for a long time. thats all that matters.

I'm sorry for everything you were put through. Many girls and women have been sucked into this thinking it will provide a solution for their distress at the social ramifications of the body they're born in, only for more people, namely men, to take advantage of their distress and gain power over them. As you mentioned, even "cis" men get in on the action when they justify intimidating and threatening women with violence in response to perceived transphobia. It's a terrible situation to be in. Made worse when you can't openly talk about with people you're close to for fear of alienating them.

I think you should give yourself more credit. You ARE smart. You questioned what you were told was never allowed to be questioned and realized you were being misled. And what you said about trying to make yourself forget the realizations you've had, that is normal. It's a difficult and scary thing to hold opinions that conflict with those of the majority of your peers. I think it's like the climax of cognitive dissonance -- when what you know is true clashes so hard against what you want to believe, you find it impossible to justify anymore, so you just resort to pretending you never learned the information in the first place. Been there.

I'm just being a stereotype now, but there's a classic Dworkin quote for this:

"Many women, I think, resist feminism because it is an agony to be fully conscious of the brutal misogyny which permeates culture, society, and all personal relationships."

Anyway my point is, don't beat yourself up. I'm really happy to read that you're accepting your womanhood, it's a hard journey but it's worth it to have a good relationship with yourself. And in my experience (at the sage and wisened age of 25) that it gets easier as you get older. You work through mistakes, and that prepares you to handle the next mistake better. You're right, your health and happiness is all that matters, keep striving for that and it will steer you right.

I wanted to give you some reading recommendations, you mentioned you have dyslexia but I believe these two are available in audiobook form if that's up your alley:

Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference by Cordelia Fine

Invisible Women: Exposing Data Bias in a World Designed for Men by Caroline Criado Perez

There are tons more great books on feminism but these two are my go-tos for hard facts on gender, socialization, and the systematic discrimination against women worldwide through biases that are built into society.

Well uh; TLDR thanks for gracing my inbox, anon :) Hope you keep well.

[jamiedodgerart]

if you're happy to tell us, i'd love to head more about ur inquisitor :00!! his debates with dorian sound fun

:DDD yeah sure! soz this is late

pica’s 1/6 of an inch tall

(im kidding. his name was originally a pun, but not a typography one - he’s a rehash of an old oc i had way back in the day, who was based off a magpie. hes actually on the short side for a dwarf, i want to say around 4′3″)

he was a lyrium smuggler before the inquisition, and specifically was the front man who sold it. he’s a champion liar and man of many faces, and knows how to disappear in plain sight (which is easy if you’re a dwarf and most law enforcement on the surface are humans. to a human guard dwarves all look the same and theyre too short to really get a good look at their faces). he had a pretty transient lifestyle- he didn’t get tied down, didn’t get too attached to anyone or anything, had pretty few posessions. he was 26 (or the dwarf equivalent of 26. hows dwarf aging work in dragon age anyway) when the carta got him to spy at the conclave, and you know how that went

look ok. the first half of his career as inquisitor was just. wingin’ it. no one really knew what the fuck he was supposed to be doing, least of all him, so he just pretended he knew what he was doing till, i wanna say the end of into the abyss. after talking to mal hawke some he learned that, hey, everyone’s always winging it, and also that his decisions kind of really mattered. (and that those decisions he makes can. kill people) for the first time in his life, he realizes hes actually important, and what he does changes things on the large scale

so after that, he got to thinking. the world kinda sucks. and it sucked before the war. and the leaders of thedas are really not doing all that much about it, except trying to kick each other in the nuts while their enemies are weak and completely forgetting that politics Cannot Survive as a practice if theres no farmers able to make food for diplomats to eat. so, orlais, if your farmland is all gunched up with battlefields, then you need to fix that, don’t you. but the inquisition is really, really good at providing stability! it’s good at establishing patrols, safe trade routes, providing local employment, and is a fairly reliable consumer of local goods. so pica capitalized on that, and quietly spread inquisition presence all over southern thedas. this led to immense inquisition influence, with very little fanfare.

you can guess why the rulers of thedas tried to get rid of him as soon after corypheus was taken care of as possible. they branded him a tyrant and like. ok. they werent like. super far off. bc at this point he was kinda trying to see how much of the world he could take over before anyone noticed/tried to stop him and also figured he could do like, a way better job at leading it than the current rulers could. and he wasnt beholden to anyone either (not like empress celene! elected to her throne by… uhhhhhhhhhhh divine providence or something. i mean shes doing an ok job but like i didnt vote for her) so if he really really wanted to he could go full dragon reborn

ive got off topic but point is he figures humans have had their go and they fucked it up, so it’s a dwarf’s turn and he’s going to put the world back together himself. (ps hey bioware can we have some dwarf stuff in the next game. im js. weve had a whole load of elf nonsense and its nice and all but dwarfs had a cool ancient society too yknow)

after trespasser he elects to keep the inquisition around, because he worked hard to make this glue keeping the bits of thedas stuck together and he’ll be damned if he’ll let solarse and his minions screw it up. but it gets nerfed heavily and hes pissed about it

he romanced cassandra! i really like their relationship- they look to each other for moral guidance. pica knows he can get flighty and relies on her to keep him in line, and always asks her for advice when he sees her in the courtyard. he usually doesn’t follow it but he feels it’s important to have her perspective on things

they disagree on a lot of stuff (like he made celene and briala co-leaders but she was in favor of gaspard) but he trusts her judgement, and supported her in becoming the divine

he’s a little weird about religion, specifically relating to the stone. the surfacer part of him that hates caves is like pff hippie garbage, but the bit that’s generations old and wants to belong to a larger whole of a culture is Super Into It. cole said he felt the stone’s presence around pica one time and externally he didnt react but internally he was yelling WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK I LIVED IN SUCH PEACEFUL IGNORANCE I DIDNT NEED TO KNOW THAAAAAT and after the mythal thing hes like fuck believe what you want. whatever floats your boat. we live in a world where nugs have little people hands so if it comforts you to know a god did that then live your truth

re mages he figures theres a way better way for them to fit into society than the circle. its dumb. they can LIFT THINGS WITH THEIR MINDS. USE THAT FOR BUILDING. they can HEAL WOUNDS WITH THEIR MINDS. THEY CAN TALK TO SPIRITS AND SHIT THEY CAN PROBABLY FLY WHY ARENT WE USING THIS THEY’RE WASTED IN TOWERS LEARNING TO SHOOT FIREBALLS OR WHATEVER people who fear magic are cowards. chantry more like sham-try. 

hes big on research and development. he sent samson to dagna for research and in the au where mal lives he sent anders to her too. cos. like. dude COEXISTS WITH A SPIRIT. thats cool as SHIT how does it WORK. 

(im gonna make a post abt the mal lives au soon. its good)

hes largely responsible but he has also impulse bought at least three stuffed dragons. also, if the textiles technology were available, hed have dragon jammies. it’s the little things in life.

he collects notes he’s found talking about him and hangs them up by his desk. his favorite is the one samson wrote calling him a damnable rogue. he says hes doing things right, if he’s making people mad

hes trans! im not sure how thatd be regarded in dwarf society, in undergrounders i doubt it’d be very acceptable given their emphasis on reproduction, but house cadash has been on the surface for generations and has probably adopted more liberal views on lgbt stuff. either way hes not very open about it, and it’s really easy to pass when he’s around humans (i get the feeling dwarves and humans look for different things, when they’re trying to guess gender. for example hes got some beard scrub, which in human terms means male but in dwarven terms probably either means very young male or unkempt female) (the added implication to this is that varric might keep his beard to stubble so he looks younger) he met krem and had an instant Trans Solidarity moment, which also comes with the Trans Fear that the person Knows that you’re trans and could out you. it’s a weird kind of trust and for me feels like that one performance art piece with the people holding the bow and arrow. anyway hes cool w krem but doesnt talk to him all that much. theyve got pretty different interests.

his best friends are probs cole and dorian! he’s very curious, and likes to hear different perspectives on things. he and dorian often play chess and discuss all sorts of stuff. they end up yelling a lot because they both want to talk but the other started saying something before they were done with their point, which they started saying before the other was done with their point, and so on. he doesnt get very far in the slavery argument until hawke starts chillin at skyhold more regularly and can adequately school him on the state of tevinter slavery (fuck i gotta make a post about that. mal’s had a lot of development since i last talked about him)

he listens very seriously to cole’s observations. he can really appreciate the input of someone who watches so much more than speaks, and heartily supported his ventures in becoming more human.

he also gets along very well with josephine and likes to trick her into taking days off. hes also always down to chat w dagna and scout harding! and varric, of course. it’s always nice to talk to someone without having to crane his neck up at them all the time

(this is the reason he doesnt usually spend time w bull. hes just too tall and its uncomfortable knowing your face is at your friend’s dick height while ur trying to discuss battle strategy)

uhh trivia, at one point i thought i’d fucked up cassandra’s romance by not flirting with her enough so i meant to go for dorian’s instead, bc while i had wanted to romance cass since uhh i dunno one of my mutuals first reblogged a picture of her, i underestimated how charming and cool of a guy dorian ended up being. so in canon i say pica had a crush on both of them for a little while

its late and i think i got mostly everything so enjooooooy

as a parting gift, this is him