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pleasantlyinsincere · 2 years ago

Text

John and Julian (and Cyn) through the '70s

Last edited on 8 October 2023. All edits listed at the end. Text in between [ ] are my thoughts.

Since John and Yoko had moved into Tittenhurst in August '69 Julian often spend weekends with them there.

"And then I'd live for the weekends I spent with my dad and his new love Yoko at Ascot. My feeling toward their relationship was helped by the way I was treated. I was given incredibly expansive toys to play with and there was always something happening." Julian, 1982

Cynthia describes that she was relieved that Julian got on reasonably well with Yoko, but she was concerned by some of the more bizarre stories of what was going on at Tittenhurst park.

"One of the hardest aspects of letting Julian visit John was accepting that Yoko would presumably look after him when he was there. I didn't know what he would make of her cool manner. But in fact he seemed fine with it, and perhaps it was better for him to have a rather distant step-mother than one who was all over him. He never told me that she was unkind in any way, which was a relief. After that first weekend Peter rang regularly to arrange visits for Julian. Much to my amusement Julian had started to call Yoko Hokey-Cokey." Cynthia Lennon: John, p.314

Photos of Julian at Tittenhurst in 31 January 1970. [John and Yoko only returned from Denmark January 27th, so Julian came to see them the first weekend back.]

Rest of the timeline including pics, quotes and audio behind the cut because it got ridiculously long.

23 February 1970

An article is published in the Evening Post talking about Julian and Kyoko. It mentions that in 1969 there were four months that father and son didn't get to see each other and also spent Christmas apart.

Some quotes from John:

"Julian, last time I saw him, was a bit too protected, like all kids are. It took him two weeks to unwind, when he was last with us." "I'm not a daddy with a set of bricks to play with. When I'm with the kids, they just come along with me and be with me, whatever I'm doing." Link to article

March 1970

Over the New Year John and Yoko had spent some weeks in Denmark with Tony Cox, his new partner and Kyoko. That arrangement had worked quite well and it seems it motivated John and Yoko to try to get closer with Cynthia and Roberto also. It seems in the end not much came of these good intentions.

Up until now, when Julian came to spend the weekend at Tittenhurst Park, it was Les Anthony who shuttled him back and forth between his parents. However, shortly after their return from Denmark, John and Yoko made a conscious effort to spend time with Julian, Cynthia and her fiancé Roberto Bassanini. John later remarked: "All five of us ate together and we saw to it that the children see us all together. Maybe six of us will go on vacation with Kyoko. Julian, Cyn and Roberto, so that everyone feels secure. That's very important. In order to have peace, it's necessary to start inside the family." Lennonology, source L'Express [3/23/70]

Instead John and Yoko left for LA 23 April 1970 to undergo Primal Scream therapy with Janov. They stayed for almost five months in the US and returned to England 15 September 1970.

June 7th, 1970

While John and Yoko are in LA doing their therapy with Janov. One of the topics discussed was John's troubled relationship with his son.

The meeting, which Vivian Janov describes as 'a very strong emotional day for him,' had taken place in April, and John was making an effort to maintain communication with his son. From Los Angeles, John posted a card to Julian today: 'I'm sorry I haven't called or written much. I've been a little sick. We miss you a lot, and send you our love... won't be long till I see you'. Lennonology

After the return from the US in September Julian continued to regularly visit Tittenhurst. During those visits he usually played a lot with Les Anthonys four stepchildren, who at the time were also living on the estate.

"Once Dad had a little white shed built on an island in the middle of a lake on the grounds of the house. He had bought these little white amphi-cars that sped across the lake. The three of us all dressed in white to spend the day there. Crazy, but wonderful."Julian, 1982

In this interview Julian describes going over to Tittenhurst just to be an idiot with his dad but also how scary the big house and his bedroom situation could be to him at night.

[The floorplan of Tittenhurst (LINK) actually shows Julian's room just across the hallway from John and Yoko's room but half a stairway down. There's not really a closer bedroom and he may have been put there, so that he has his own bathroom. It being so far away, small (somewhere he or Cynthia call the room a closet) and scary are after all the memories from a child's point of view.]

For the most part the visitation arrangements seemed to have continued in 1971. In the summer, when John and Yoko were filming for the imagine documentary, Julian can be seen roaming the property with his friends.

Saturday, July 17th, 1971 With the cameras rolling, John and Yoko roamed the Tittenhurst Park grounds in a golf cart with Jill Johnston. As promised, Blue Pools delivered the new lake house, and the Lennons spotted location. More footage was taken of the house under construction, the Lennons and Johnston rowing on the lake, and Julian and the neighbor children reading excerpts from Grapefruit on camera and running amok in the fields. Lennonology

Lennonology

Julian Lennon: Tittenhurst was this enormous palace-like place with 99 acres, golf-cart buggies, a lake, a little island in the middle of the lake. It was like a house of fun. It was wonderful. I loved the place.

LINK to a longer version of the quote but in German. Not adding much just both John and Julian sharing a mutual love for Dr. Pepper at the time, playing the mellotron and the children daring each other to enter a 'haunted' building on the property.

It's also at Tittenhurst that Julian meets May Pang, who had started working for John and Yoko as an assistant through ABKCO in NY and had come to England as a messenger to bring film rolls.

"There were a lot of great moments at Tittenhurst that I do fondly remember, you know, giggling and laughing with Dad. And, as they say, shooting the shit. But it was difficult to know, you think, 'OK, well, is this going to stay? Is this what it's going to be, now? Can I count on this? Can I be here next weekend or the weekend after? Is that going to happen?' That was one of the, obviously, the hardest pill to swallow, was the constant change. You know, you thought things were going to settle down, but they just never quite did." Julian, 2018

"I lived an ideal life between then [Cyn and Roberto] and John and Yoko, but it all ended when Cynthia's marriage broke up and Dad and Yoko moved to the States." Julian, 1982

The big cut happens when on August 12th 1971 John and Yoko leave for NY and take up residence in the St. Regis Hotel.

At first their plan was to search for Kyoko, so that she too could come for visits at Tittenhurst like Julian. In September John and Yoko appeared on the Dick Cavett show and briefly talked about their wish that both their children could be with them.

youtube

Maybe a Christmas present:

Christie's auction

[In her Lost Weekend doc, May talks about Julian calling and Yoko not allowing her to put the call through to John. She says at that point they hadn't spoken for a couple of years. Then a few weeks later she is in the audience for George Harrison's appearance on Dick Cavett. The show is aired in November '71, so if there is anything to her anecdote she may mean they hadn't seen each other for two months instead of two years.]

26 May '72

"Lennon admits that he is scared to say too much publicly about the case, because it was the initial publicity that had spurred Cox to vanish. He talks about how hard it is for Ono to see pictures of her daughter: I have to hide them. Asked about his own son, Julian, he says: I don't have that 'where the hell is he?' bit. But he reveals that when they were in England, and Julian visited them every weekend, it was difficult for Ono to be with him when her own daughter wasn't there: It was killing her." source

28 May '72

Cynthia quoted in a Sunday paper: "John hasn't seen Julian since he went to America. It is rather a long time. He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now. He does write to Julian, just normal letters, asking how he is getting on at school and things like that. And he sends him presents. He sent him a toy truck at Christmas. I don't keep in touch with John anymore. It's purely through Julian that we keep in contact. Julian loves his father. He follows his career in the newspapers. He goes to a private boys' school where people don't bother who he is. He went to a state school but he had problems there."

14 June '72

Cyn's complaints are repeated in the LA times, where it said that John hadn't seen Julian in eight months. "He seems to be occupied with Yoko's daughter now."

On 22 September '73 John and May leave for LA and only a few days later on 2 October '73 it is reported in the newspaper that Cyn separated from Roberto Bassanini.

Cynthia gave some interviews on her recent separation and the fact that she and Julian moved back to Hoylake, where Julian goes to private school.

"Unhappily Julian misses his father, which is only natural. We only hear from John at Christmas and when the birthdays come around." 7 October '73, Sunday Mirror

"Julian is always asking after him but of course John is in America now. It's been hard for him not seeing John for several years. This sort of thing is naturally upsetting for a child." 7 October '73, Sunday People

According to May's book, while John had broken up with her, she went to the Dakota to be with Yoko. Yoko there told her that she had decided it was time for Julian to come for a visit and May should at least reunite with John for that period to help him with it. May agreed to go back to John for two weeks, but it ends up being more like a year.

Christmas gift '73

To Julian from Daddy Christmas 1973

[Julian has sold an NFT of the black guitar. LINK ]

Shortly after Christmas '73 Julian and Cyn travel to LA to spend his school holidays with his father. They stay at least until the Happy Days taping they visit together on 5 February '74.

During the over a month long visit May writes, that they went to Disneyland three times and had brunch together the first morning. Meanwhile John is still having some wild times. Since Julian is staying with Cynthia, he goes out with May. The Kotex incident and nearly killing Jesse Ed Davis happen at the same time of this visit. May also places Cynthia asking John to have another child together during this trip.

As the visit ends May makes John promise to call Julian regularly.

"It is the right thing to do. I promise you, Fung Yee." He was silent for a while, then John said suddenly, "I really would like to keep in touch with me son." May Pang, Loving John p.168

Julian too, took a lot of positive out of the meetings around this time.

"Mum and I flew out to the States and stayed at the Beverly Hills Hotel. At least Mum did, I spend every minute of every day with my Dad and Yoko. " Julian, 1982

In later recollections Julian correctly puts the first visit in the time-frame that John was with May.

“Dad and I got on a great deal better than,” recalls Julian. “We had a lot of fun, laughed a lot and had a great time in general when he was with May Pang.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang: Loving John. About this visit and how it was set up.

In April 74 Julian sends a Thank you tape to John and Yoko for his birthday gift. Even though John is with May at this time, the present it seems was sent from the married couple.

The present in question according to Julian was a guitar, decorated with a mirror, writing and other stuff:

John writes to Cyn 22 June '74 a typed letter asking about Julian's holiday plans. Interestingly as the return address he gives the Dakota. He wants to send May to bring Julian.

19/20-25 July 1974 Instead of being collected by May, Julian sails with Elton John, Tony King, and Cyn per boat from Southampton to New York.

[In her book Cynthia wrongly remembers this as her first visit with John in the US. She also claims this visit was completely her initiative, which as proven by the letter wasn't the case. The whole anecdote is interesting however because she says that it was never the plan to stay with Julian, John and May but stay in NY with Jenny Boyd. Jenny apparently wasn't told about that plan, because in the end she wasn't there to home Cynthia. (May on the other hand remembers that Cynthia was staying with friends but they left without her and she was lonely, so she ended up coming with them.) In the end (and to John probably rightly or wrongly suspiciously) what was planned as just a trip for Julian with his dad turned into Cynthia coming along most of the time.]

Cynthia'a account about how this meeting was set-up and why she was with them during the trip.

Tony King in The Tastemaker simply writes: “John Lennon wanted to see his son, so I took Julian and John’s ex-wife Cynthia along with me.”

August 6th '74

John, May, Cyn and Julian return to LA for John to record Goodnight Vienna with Ringo.

In the summer while working on Walls and Bridges Julian visits the studio. He records Ya Ya with his dad.

Little interview bit with Julian about being in the studio.

August 19th, 1974

John and May take a trip to Denver. Instead of coming with them Julian stays with Cyn in LA.

When the whole vacation is coming to a close, it is decided that Julian should come for another visit for Christmas. John is clear that he wants him to come alone.

Both May Pang and Cynthia wrote about this visit in their memoirs. [Cynthia is clearly mixing up and merging the first and second trip together in her recollection of it.]

Cynthia's account.

May's account.

December 19th, 1974

Julian, accompanied by Apple staffer Steve Brendell, arrived in NY on this day for Christmas with John and May. Mimi was also invited but declined to come.

While they were in NY Yoko also came by because she wanted to greet Julian.

John, May and Julian flew to Florida on December 22. Lennon said he accepted Levy's Florida invitation "because I was so worn out anyway" from back-to-back studio projects "that I didn't know what to do with my son Julian." John figured that at Disney World, "I could sort of sit in a room or something and Julian could play with Morris's kid." John's quotes are from his trial testimony Big Seven Music Corp, 75Civ, 1116; In Stan Soocher Baby You're a Rich Man, Suing the Beatles for Fun and Money

Until 29 December they spent time in Palm Beach and later returned to Orlando (Disney World).

During this visit, Julian was helpful in influencing John and George making up and the thus the dissolution agreement of the Beatles coming along.

Julian remembers his Christmas visit with John and May fondly: “My memories of that time with Dad and May are very clear - they were the happiest time I can remember with them.” Julian in The Times, June 13 2009

May Pang in Loving John on this visit.

Cynthia writes about this visit in her book.

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Video from May Pang's Lost Weekend documentary. [She says Long Island but I guess it's Palm Beach.]

In early February 1975 John moves back into the Dakota and resumes his marriage with Yoko.

John gives an interview to SPIN magazine in early spring 1975. In it he is asked about his private life, his recent return to Yoko, what his relationship with May is like now, and also about Julian:

How about you as a father? How old is your son [Julian] now? He is 11 now. All I know is that you took him to Disneyworld … right? Yeah, that was hell. Disneyland was better, the first time, in L.A., I took him there. Because I went with a gang, and there were a few of us who were flying a little. But Disneyworld — I was there on the most crowded day of the year, around Christmas or something. Seeing him is good. What we do is irrelevant. I went through a period of, “What are we gonna do?” and all that crap. It doesn’t really matter. As long as he’s around. Cause I don’t see him that often. How is it for an 11-year-old boy to have John Lennon as a father? It must be hell. Does he talk about that to you? No, because he is a Beatle fan. I mean, what do you expect?? I think he likes Paul better than me … I have the funny feeling he wishes Paul was his dad. But unfortunately he got me … It must be hard to be son of anybody. He is a bright kid and he’s into music. I didn’t encourage him, but he’s already got a band in school. But they sing rock’n’roll songs, ’cause their teacher is my age. So he teaches them “Long Tall Sally” and a couple of Beatles numbers. He likes Barry White and he likes Gilbert O’ Sullivan. He likes Queen, though I haven’t heard them yet. He turns me on to music. I call him and he says, “Have you heard Queen?” and I say “No, what is it?” I’ve heard of them. I’ve seen the guy … the one who looks like Hitler playing a piano … Sparks? I’ve seen Sparks on American TV. So I call him and say, “Have you seen Sparks? Hitler on the piano?” and he says, “No. They are alright. But have you seen Queen?” and I say “What’s Queen?” and then he tells me. His age group is hipper to music … at 11 I was aware of music, but not too much.

Link to the SPIN interview

March 11th 1975

John is interviewed by Bob Harris on The Old Grey Whistle Test. He sends greetings to Julian, Mimi and the rest of his family in England.

unknown

30 July 1975

About Julian ... I'm lucky if I see/hear from him myself. She allowed him over here twice last year ... but insisted on coming herself! You can imagine how thrilling that was ... she thought she could walk back in coz I wasn't with yoko!! Now we're back together again she stops him phoning me ... which he did a lot last year ... once a week. He's a bright little boy ... a bit 'sneaky' like his dad ... but he's gonna need that to survive his mother! Our relationship is pretty good --- he knows where I am and what my life is like ... he thinks of me a litlle too much in terms of 'money' etc ... which is what cyn and her mother (so called) have taught him (by example). He will run right to me when he's older ... we all run somewhere ... so I can wait. I got him well hooked on America ... which isan extraordinary place to say the least ... more on that in other letters perhaps. Oh yes the baby is due in November! Conceived feb 6. I tried to send Julia to see julian ... she was given the cold shoulder. When I get to England I'll show you them both. I would love to see yours. Letter to Leila, John Lennon Letters edited by Hunter Davies

After only five months being back with Yoko, communication with Julian has become more sporadic again. To his cousin Leila John complains that it's Cynthia keeping Julian from calling and about her tagging along the previous year. He also claims that he sent Julia to check in on Julian.

Julia Baird in a '83 interview confirms John's claim to Leila, that he hadn't heard from Julian and sent his little sister to check up on him.

"He kept asking in letters and on the phone, 'Please will you go and see Julian? Will you go and see Julian? Will you go see and see Julian? I haven't heard from Julian. His mother's got a cob on. Can you please go and see what's going on?' [...] Anyway eventually Aaron persuaded me that I should go. He was the one that when we got another letter asking, 'Have you been to see Julian yet?', he said, 'Look, he's never asked you to do anything. I think you should go.' [...] We went and John had given us the address, I didn't know where it was. And she seemed very embarrassed to see me. In fact so much so, that I backed off. I just said, 'Is Julian there, please? I'd like to see him.' And she said, 'No, he's gone out.' And I just said, 'Well goodbye, then.' It was very odd, very bizarre."

In her memoir Cyn doesn't mention John sending family to check on them but has an opposing recollection of who was unreachable:

"Initially he did: he phoned Julian as before, every few weeks. But the calls became less frequent, and all too often when Julian tried to phone John he couldn't get through. Yoko, or one of their employees, would tell him that John was sleeping or busy. Discouraged, Julian would wait weeks before trying again. " Cynthia Lennon, John p. 346

1 May '76

Cyn marries John Twist. John and Yoko send a telegram: "Congratulations, good luck, God bless the three of you, John and Yoko.”

According to Cynthia a few weeks later John calls her to invite Julian over for a visit during the school holidays to meet his brother. Yoko and John take the children for a holiday to Long Island. Cynthia also writes that Julian was mugged during his stay in NY, when John told him to go out by himself to buy a harmonica he wanted.

Photos of Julian with John and Yoko in summer 1976.

The only other person I have read mention the '76 visit is John Green in Dakota Days.

As the apartment at the Dakota grew more crowded, John retreated to the quieter and more spacious southern shore of Long Island. He took Sean with him and brought Julian over from Britain. Yoko kept him posted with a barrage of phone calls. "How goes the war, Charles?" he chimed into the receiver. "No casualties so far. How goes the peace?" "Great. It's absolutely beautiful. I've got a bit of sea and a bit of green and my sons, and even once in a while I even have my wife. You should come out here and get some of this. It's delightful." Dakota Days, p.97

[Aside from Cynthia's and Green's brief mentions of the trip, there is very little information on this NY visit. Even Robert Rosen, who supposedly read John's diaries multiple times, has nothing to say about this or the '77 visits. He even claims repeatedly that Julian and John first reunited in 1979 and hadn't seen each other for four years at that point.]

One of Julian's memories that most likely fits this visit:

Julian first played piano when he was thirteen, visiting his father and Yoko in Montauk, Long Island, after Sean, his half brother, was born. Their next-door neighbor had a piano, and Julian and his father went there one day. Lennon played a couple of tunes, then Julian asked, "Can I have a go?" Julian to Rolling Stone, 1985

Another one that Julian doesn't connect to a date but he remembers the new situation after his little brother was born:

[Yoko] was very loving towards me, even after their son Sean was born. Right at the beginning I felt a few pangs. They were there with their own son. Where did I fit in? But every time I went over Dad would lay on amazing treats, and Yoko was always loving towards me." Julian, 1982

In the same interview Julian also tells the story of his dad offering him a joint when he was about 12, so that might have also been the '76 visit, or the '74/'75 Christmas visit.

Cynthia claims she had trouble getting the money she was supposed to use for Julian's school. She asked John to split the trust fund, so that she can withdraw money from it easier. John agreed.

Cynthia publishes the letter in her book John and calls it "cautious, polite and to the point":

"I explained that, as he and Yoko were out of the country, it was impossibly difficult for me to get at Julian's money: 'Nothing can proceed without your signature - it means I'm forever overdrawn at the bank and have to wait on the convenience of your lawyers ... I want the best for Julian, and his standard of life shouldn't suffer because of lack of good management on your part, which has been happening since the fund was set up ... The money, instead of having doubled through good investment, is dwindling through lack of interest on your part ... It's just so important that this whole arrangement is sorted out without animosity or aggravation ... The way things are going Julian's financial prospects when he is 25 will be virtually nil and he is going to want to know why... It is one thing fighting for your rights but totally ridiculous fighting against your own son's interests, which is what seems to be happening.' "

[She says she ends the letter with thanking them for arranging the Concorde flight for Julian last summer. However according to wiki Concorde didn't fly to NYC until November 1977. (That years Christmas John and Yoko do indeed book a Concorde flight for Julian.) So I suspect that her supposed letter is specifically written for her book and not an actual document as the presentation suggests.]

In mid-October Cynthia gives an interview to Woman magazine that also got picked up in multiple newspapers. In it she talks about their relationship splitting after their first LSD trip, John getting upset with Julian when he couldn't eat with a knife, alleges that she was being followed by a private detective in Italy,...

A report on the article in the Burton Daily Mail from 19 October '76 also quotes Cynthia as saying:

"Since then their relationship has been beautiful," she says. "They talk a lot on the phone, there've been other visits and he's going again this year. I believe now that John is completely off all drugs, has been off them for years, otherwise I'd never let Julian go."

[He's going again this year indicates that there was another visit planned in 1976. If that happened or fell through, I haven't found anything about that.]

October 25th, 76

John sends Julian a postcard from Singapore. “What happened to ya?”

Even though the previous few months there was a visit and positive communication about the finances, Cynthia's decision to publicly complain in the papers angered John. He responded on November 26th 1976 with an open letter in the Daily Mail.

"Lennon tells first wife: Stop blaming Yoko," it read: "As you and I well know, our marriage was over long before the advent of LSD or Yoko Ono. Your memory is impaired to say the least. Your version of our first LSD trips is rather vague. You seem to have forgotten subsequent trips altogether. You also seem to have forgotten that only two years ago, while I was separated from Yoko Ono, you suddenly brought Julian to see me in Los Angeles after three years of silence. During that visit you didn't allow me to be alone with him for one moment. You even asked me to remarry you and give you another child 'for Julian's sake.' I politely told you no and that anyway I was still in love with Yoko. Finally, I don't blame you for wanting to get away from your Beatle past, but if you are serious about it you should try to avoid talking to and posing for magazines and newspapers. We did have some good years so dwell on them for a change."

Cynthia answers to the press after this, saying she doesn't want them to throw mud at each other and repeated "All I want to do is forget the Beatles and enjoy my present life". Still, only a few months later in 1977 she starts to write A Twist of Lennon (allegedly gleefully on a typewriter Yoko had gifted Julian). In her later memoir John she writes she was persuaded to do it by her husband John Twist who believed it would make their fortune.

Julian is sent to boarding school for that time. [In her book John Cynthia explicitly remembers that she moved to Ireland to write. However newspaper reports from the time suggest that the move happened later. So, probably Julian wasn't boarding at this time but those months in '78.]

At the same time communication between John and Julian was happening regularly and according to his diaries he got excited by the idea of buying Julian a keyboard.

July 14th, 1977

December 25th 1977

Julian comes by Concorde to stay at the Dakota during his school holidays.

[At the time of Julian's visit John and Yoko were still helped by the FBI to deal with the kidnapping threat and extortion attempt that had been going on for weeks and scared them badly. Also, Tony Cox had made contact by phone and agreed that Kyoko could visit for these holidays but then disappeared again and John would never hear again from Kyoko. I don't know if Julian was told any of this but I assume it probably was one of the more tense christmases.]

Going by Giuliano because neither Cynthia nor Robert Rosen mention this trip by Julian at all, John was very excited about Julian coming getting up early and baking bread for him. Julian gets close to Nishi and thereby brings forth John's competitive streak. John tries out the parental philosophy of wanting to spend time with Julian instead of giving him material goods, Julian goes 'oh, really' and John caves in. When he leaves John draws a portrait of Julian. Source

[Since Robert Rosen, who also read the diaries, doesn't even know about the '76 or '77 visits (and Giuliano too thinks they saw each other last at Disney World), they may not be the source for the above. I thought it might have been from Dakota Days but it's not. John Green mentions the '77 Christmas visit but says the family were going to Florida to meet Julian there because of the security threats. I think Green is confusing this and a later visit, so I will insert his account of what John told him on returning there.]

Julian stays most of January. Goes to see the musical The Magic Show with Yoko and the band Riff-Raff with John.��

In February of 1978 Cynthia and her husband sell their house and move away from Ruthin to Eire to avoid a 'wealth tax'. They leave Julian to be a boarder at his school. Cynthia and John Twist return in December, probably because they missed Julian.

April 1978

[It's not actually dated aside from being from 1978, I just assume the guitar was Julian's birthday gift.]

GIBSON Les Paul 25/50 guitar

"Dad gave me this special order rare model - it was always exciting to receive something like this from my dad. When I visited Dad we would sit down together and he would teach me a few chords and help me improve my technique." Julian in Beatles Memorabilia. The Julian Lennon Collection.

May 19th 1978

A conversation with Cyn and excerpts from her memoir A Twist of Lennon are published in News of the World.

John, Yoko and Sean are in Japan for their summer vacation. Through his London lawyers John tries to stop the publication of Cynthia's book as a serial in the News Of The World.

Tuesday, June 13th, 1978 Having been telephoned in Japan with the details of Cynthia's memoir excerpt in News Of The World, John instructed his solicitors to issue a High Court injunction in an effort to prevent the publication of a planned second installment. Frere Cholmeley & Co., Lennon's attorney in London, described the piece as 'a salacious and gribby little article,' although it was qualified with the statement: 'He does not deny that he held parties or took drugs, but he deplores the publication of intimate details of his married life.' Friday, June 16th, 1978 In the case of Lennon v. News Group Newspapers Ltd and Twist, Lord Denning rejected John's application for an injunction in London's High Court today, permitting the publication of more excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon. For his par, Denning was not impresses with John's argument that the article's publication was a breach of confidence of the marriage: 'I cannot see that either of these two parties have had much regard for the sanctity of marriage ... It seems to me as plain as can be that the relationship of these parties has ceases to be their own private affair. They themselves have put it into the public domain.' Sunday, June 18th, 1978 Having successfully defended the right to publish excerpts from A Twist Of Lennon, today's edition of News Of The World featured part two of their series: 'How Yoko stole my husband.' " Lennonology

When the book actually was released feelings turned out to be much softer than expected. Cyn ends her first memoir with the words :

I still feel very proud of the Beatles and their accomplishments. My life during that period was an education, an education I wouldn't have missed. It has left me feeling enriched, not embittered, enlightened not blinded. All I can think to conclude my story is to say, 'Thanks for the memories, and in the words of the I CHING, no blame.'"

After finishing reading his ex-wife's book, according to Robert Rosen, John was relieved and enjoyed the nostalgia. He said a prayer for Cyn: "Dear God, please show her The Way. Thank You. Thank You."

Postcard to Julian:

[I can't make out the date on the card. Julian's Beatles memorabilia book says it's from '71 but that's obviously wrong with Sean being included and Julian's Ruthin address on it. John makes the reference to being a farmer. They bought their farm in February 1978, so I put it that year. May be wrong though.]

March 21st 1979

Julian is supposed to join John, Sean and Yoko's visiting nieces in Palm Beach.

[John taking a photo of Julian in '79]

There are multiple, very different accounts for this visit, that includes Julian's 16th birthday celebration.

John bought Julian a motorcycle for his birthday.

At one point they went to Disney World, (which none of the accounts of the trip even mention), where this photo of Julian and Yoko's nieces was taken:

Accounts from:

Robert Rosen [Rosen writes that Dan Richter's children came for a visit. Correction: I said before that that because Dan wrote in his book that he never saw John again after 1974, it seemes unlikely to me that his kids would be sent out to John and Yoko five years later. However Dan Richter does confirm that in his interview on the Podcast Glass Onion: On John Lennon episode 16:

"My kids would go down, they had a place down in Palm Beach or whatever it was down in Florida. And they were there at Christmas and bring Julian and they would fly my kids down to play with Julian. And everybody, the sense we got was they were happy!"

This visit doesn't happen over Christmas but it sounds like he is talking about more than one occasion that happened and probably Christmas is one example. Could also mean that Rosen is mixing up the occasion for that anecdote.]

Cynthia Lennon

Fred Seaman

Geoffrey Giuliano

John Green [Green puts this actually to the '77 holiday visit, where he wrongly writes they went to Florida. I think (if his stories are to be believed at all) he confuses John's anger and disappointment upon return with this visit of Julian's. It also fits with being in Florida.]

[I recommend to read all of them. Lots of drama. I may one day make a comparison post between all the account because they are fascinatingly different.]

April 9th 1979

John writes to Mimi saying Julian would be welcome to live with them if he so chose but there had been no arrangements made.

Q: Did you ever plan to go and live with him [John] in New York? Julian: "When I was in my early teens we'd spoken on the phone about the possibility of me going to college over there. I think it was wishful thinking on both our parts because I felt uncomfortable about the situation and I believe he did, too." Hello! Magazine, 1995

April 25th 1979, Postcard to Julian from NY:

Julian declines to join his dad, Yoko and Sean for their family's yearly vacation in Japan.

[July 1979 In the context of getting one of his guitars Julian said that John bought him a Sony Walkman as a gift when they were brand-new. He puts around '73-'74. However according to wikipedia the Sony Walkman was first sold in July '79, so that present would have been sent to Julian around this time, maybe directly from Japan.]

December 1979

On 3rd-4th December there is a two part feature in the Daily Mail called "The Sons of the Beatles" on Julian and Zak.

"When I'm in New York, we go out quite a lot together round some of the art galleries, or to his house at Long Island. When we stay in we have musical jam sessions together singing out latest songs to each other. I still listen to Beatles music. Although I quite like some of my father's solo albums, I much prefer what he did with the Beatles." (quoted from Lennonology p. 508)

Also that month:

"More disturbing to John were the ongoing trials with Julian. The sullen teen continued to vex his father with his on-again, off-again plans to visit over Christmas. At first Julian said maybe, as long as they didn't go to Florida. Then it was a flat no, using school exams and a new girlfriend as an excuse. At the last minute he called saying he would come to New York only if he could bring a friend, but Yoko turned him down. As usual John didn't challenge her. Julian retaliated by sending his father a tabloid article about rock stars' sons, which focused on both him and Ringo's son Zak Starkey, and went into detail about the trials of being the offspring of a Beatle." Lennon in America by Giuliano p. 218

On the other hand John Green does write that Julian spent Christmas '79 with John, Yoko and Sean. He even says that Julian stayed until February. ("John stayed in the Palm Beach house until February, luxuriating in the sun and sea, forging new ties with Julian and delighting in rediscoveries of himself." p.229) [This can't be true however because John was definitely in NY for Christmas and New Years. John and Yoko did buy a house in Palm Beach late January however and were spotted there a few times in February. I can't find a mention of Julian being spotted with them, so it may or may not have happened. I do think between the two of them Giuliano's account is probably more accurate. The Daily Mail article he mentions of Zak and Julian had come out on 3 or 4 December, so that is also believable that it had come up in pre-christmas discussions. But of course it's possible that a visit happened anyway.]

1980

Julian called in February 1980 to set up another meeting with his dad. This time John denied him, surprisingly because he was worried about Julian's schooling. Through Cynthia he had learned that Julian was failing his O-levels, had started smoking, staying out at night drinking, had gotten in trouble with the police for setting up fires and racing through town on a dirt bike. "John just prayed that Julian didn't hurt himself." There is also continued conflict over money. John felt that Julian every time they spoke asked him for more money. "And though John continued to feel guilty about having abandoned Julian and Cynthia, he'd be damned if he was going to be like every other rich asshole father who'd abandoned his family and then used money as a poor substitute for love and companionship." source

In March 'A Twist of Lennon' gets its paperback release and new reviews are printed in the press.

Summer 1980

When John sat for a portrait painting with Sean for the artist Nancy Gosnell, he wondered if she could also do one of him and Julian from a photograph. He wanted to give him a father and son portrait for his birthday, according to Fred Seaman.

September 1980

PLAYBOY: "Your son, Julian, from your first marriage must be in his teens. Have you seen him over the years?" LENNON: "Well, Cyn got possession, or whatever you call it. I got rights to see him on his holidays and all that business, and at least there's an open line still going. It's not the best relationship between father and son, but it is there. He's 17 now. Julian and I will have a relationship in the future. Over the years, he's been able to see through the Beatle image and to see through the image that his mother will have given him, subconsciously or consciously. He's interested in girls and autobikes now. I'm just sort of a figure in the sky, but he's obliged to communicate with me, even when he probably doesn't want to." PLAYBOY: "You're being very honest about your feelings toward him to the point of saying that Sean is your first child. Are you concerned about hurting him?" LENNON: "I'm not going to lie to Julian. Ninety percent of the people on this planet, especially in the West, were born out of a bottle of whiskey on a Saturday night, and there was no intent to have children. So 90 percent of us... that includes everybody... were accidents. I don't know anybody who was a planned child. All of us were Saturday-night specials. Julian is in the majority, along with me and everybody else. Sean is a planned child, and therein lies the difference. I don't love Julian any less as a child. He's still my son, whether he came from a bottle of whiskey or because they didn't have pills in those days. He's here, he belongs to me and he always will."

Playboy: I was under the impression that you still weren't seeing Julian much. Lennon: Well, no, he's comin' here over shortly now. I see him whenever he get's off school. Playboy: Has it been hard for him to be John Lennon's kid? Lennon: Yeah, he has his own... Everybody has a cross to bear, and Julian has that cross, and he'll deal with it. He's a clever boy, and as he gets older we can communicate and he'll understand.

[I wasn't sure what upcoming visit John is referring to since I couldn't find one mentioned anywhere. However there is an article in the Daily Mirror from 8 October 1980 including interview passages with Cynthia that mentions Julian currently being in New York. So without any photographic evidence, he isn't in any of the birthday photos, or anecdotes about it, there still might be the possibility that there was a (pre-)birthday visit from Julian to John and Sean in 1980. Julian himself hasn't been completely consistent on when he last saw his Dad. He has said that his '79 birthday visit was their last meeting (which I think is most likely correct), but he also claimed that he was flying out regularly.]

"According to Cynthia, Julian, now 18, plays guitar better than his father. He has left school and is off to New York to stay with his famous dad." Link to the article

In an interview with Jonathan Cott on 5 December John reflects more on the troubles of being a Beatle's son and on how mistakes in his decision for Julian's schooling changed his outlook on his plans for Sean. [Julian had been going to private school since at least 1973.]

"[...] because he can't possibly be an average child, being the son of famous parents. I tried that game with my son Julian, sending him to a comprehensive working-class school, mixing with the people, but the people spat and shit on him, because he was famous, as people are wont to do. So his mother had to finally turn around and tell me to piss off: 'I'm sending him to a private school, the kid is suffering here.' "

Cynthia writes that by the end of 1980 Julian felt a breakthrough in his and his father's relationship. John played Julian songs from his new album over the phone, asking his opinions. source

Julian himself reflects on his and his dad's relationship by the time of his death like this:

"I know that dad's presence will be around for a long time. He was always joking, always sounded happy, which made me think more of him as a friend than a dad. My earliest memory of my father was when I was about three and he sang happy birthday to me. We were living at Weybridge, Surrey, and dad threw a birthday party for me and brought in a long cake shaped like a train and festooned with candles." Sunday Mirror, 5 April 1981

As early as 1982 negative feelings would influence Julian's memory, saying he didn't get to see his father for five years, that he only heard on Birthdays and Christmas from him or that after the first US visit it was again years before he got to go another time, when it was merely months.

"The Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love' - and that is all I wanted from Dad. It is difficult to explain why I should feel so strongly, when we shared so little. Never once in all the years he lived in America did he even think about coming to see me. Apart from rare visits, I lived from birthdays to Christmas just to hear from him." Julian, 1982

[Those false memories/presentations may have been the result of his beginning break from Yoko around that time and the conflicts about money, or maybe his memories just adapted to the way it was talked about in his family.]

"It was more of one man to another than the usual father and son relationship, because he had been away from me a lot, and he said he realized that. I was just getting through to him and growing up myself and growing out of the silly giggling I did as a young teenager that really annoyed him, when Dad was killed." Julian quoted in Ray Coleman's John bio, pp.620

"Dad was such an influence in my life, it must have been hard on Mum. She'd do her best with presents at birthdays and Christmas, but I always waited for that special present that was bigger than anything else - from him. Yet he never sent anything spontaneously. He'd phone up and ask what I wanted, and it would arrive. I don't think he was trying to buy me in any way. It was just a chance for him to do something for me. He knew I wanted to be a musician and kept telling me to take a long time to get it right. He removed a lot of the stress I suppose other kids might feel. I didn't do very well at school. I don't think I'm dense, but I suppose I'm a bit lazy. There's only one thing I want - to know for sure that Dad loved me as much as I loved him. Or maybe to have him back." Julian, 1982

Edits: 29 April - December 1974 John trial quote added; September 1980 Playboy interview quote added 6 May - added Julian quote about relationship to his father by the time of his death 7 May - added Old Grey Whistle Test clip March 11th 1975 18 May - added info about 3-4 December '79 Daily Mail feature on Julian and Zak, added all the info I could find on any visits in John Green's Dakota Days and multiple notes on to those mentions. 20 May - added Cyn's quote for 28 May 1972. 23 June - added the Tittenhurst floorplan and the link to an extended quote from Julian about being there in German 8 July - added quote from 5 Dec 1980 to Jonathan Cott 20 July - added Julia Baird audio on trying to see Julian for John 1975 22 July - added info on a possible 1980 visit, 1973 interviews, 1976 info, 1980's quote 30 July - Spin interview '75 added, Cynthia quote from Burton Daily Mail '76 added 1 August - added bits from Julian's 1982 article throughout, transcribed some of the jpg quotes, so that I may add more photos, some photos added 4 August - correction in my comments about the likelihood of Dan Richter's children being with them in 1979 19 August - Box of Smile 8 October - Added some postcards, the guitars, reset some photographs because of the picture limit 12 November - Added the video clip from May Pang's doc

#i was suddenly getting nervous that this will just disappear from my drafts. that would annoy me so much. so it get's posted NOW.#i will add stuff to it as i find it but that's how i always do timelines. fill them up over time. and this is already massive.#i just wanted to date one damn thing and this is what happened...#thoughts in progress #john lennon #julian lennon #Youtube

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jamie4370 · 1 year ago

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First Post

I didn't want this to be a depressing one but here I am, with my thoughts. I am hopelessly, romantically in love with a girl that left the town I so desperately wanted to move back to. 7 years ago I had met this girl working at the same place as me. I always thought she was SO hot. I had a girlfriend at the time so I tried my best to stay out of trouble. I never cheated, but I did eventually break up with my then partner to be with this girl. I'm getting tired of calling her girl, so lets call her A.

A and I immediately slept with each other after she had spent an afternoon at one of my college house parties. I would have never guessed that they were into me and my craziness. A had long brown curly hair that always had hints of whatever shampoo and conditioner treatment she was on, I still remember slightly what it smelt like: it smelt like fresh laundry and it reminded me of sunshine. She has the coolest blue eyes with a green fringe around the center. A has a voice that has a previous smokers rasp, but the sweetest, melting, feminine voice that comes through that gave me chills. For the next three months we had sex, explored each others personalities and kinks. We watched seasons of Bob's Burgers from cover to cover all day in bed in between our classes and work. We had kept it from all of our coworkers because I was a manager and she was a level below me. We drank and partied together. We woke up together. It was the best time that I've had with anyone. Ever. I still remember what it was like to be next to each other under my cheesy camouflaged bedsheets that I had in college. We were in love but we didn't know how to say it to each other.

One July night, when I was alone: I had a knock at my door from my ex-girlfriend (she lived about 3 hours away so it was really weird that she was there). She confessed that she had missed me and professed their love for me right there. She said that she had wanted to have make-up sex. Me and my weak, mid-twenties, stupid, horny, self accepted. I thought that A would never go for me and what we had was plutonic, she wasn't telling me she wanted to be exclusive. What a god damn mistake.

I told A the next day. In tears and sitting on my bed for what felt like the last time, A confessed that she loved me and that she wanted to be with me. My heart immediately sank and I felt like I had unknowingly betrayed what she was trying to say this whole time. I was lost. I tried to break up with my ex-girlfriend again after two months in hopes that A would take me back. I tried to see it through with my ex. A said she did not have the time to deal with her emotions in time for us to be okay again. I never would have done what I did to have a shot with A and over the next 7 years we would have the skinniest of loves two people could ever have.

We constantly stalked each others social media pages. We made contact every now and again but it never felt like anything of substance. At a certain point when I had broken up with the partner that I had been seeing for five years, I would try to text A. No reply. I don't know why these feelings are so intense when we had only been together for 3 months. It felt natural for me to want to talk to her.

I felt even more hopeless and depressed. My life felt like I had spent the last 7 years waiting on something that had almost no chance of ever happening again. I always thought that if the universe gave me a sign to be with someone, it was with A. I hated myself. I hated who I was and I was never happy with anything that I did. Everywhere I went A came with me. I don't know what kind of mental instability this was but I found myself in the bathroom crying at parties and always feeling depressed at work. I was an empty vessel, drifting in space.

One day, I decided to sum up the courage to text A and see how they were doing for the last time. I thought I was going to text A and finally begin my journey on getting through all of this madness. I didn't think she was going to ever respond.

The next day she did text me back. It was like my dream came true, and at the last straw. I was bound for a happy relationship with the person I SO desperately longed for. We talked and decided to meet at a bar that we regularly go to. We talked and you could tell that we both were nervous. I tried to dress up a little and put on my favorite fragrance. We met and it was perfect.... Except the part where she said she was moving more than 8 hours away. I didn't care. I wanted to be with her. Even if it was for a few months. We kissed at the end and she admitted that she didn't want to let me go in that cold weather of February. I was in bliss on the hour car drive back to my old apartment.

For the next few months we started right where we had left off. A had looked a little different since the last time we had seen each other and they were a little self conscious. I didn't care. The person I love is back together with me. I was trying to focus on the present and the fact that we had what we wanted and it was beautiful. We learned our everchanging kinks and talked about what we had been doing the past few years. She said that she had worked at another bar that I would regular at. She then quit and became a nanny for this couple that payed her ok money. I told her that I had moved away to pursue an engineering career but that I'm moving back because I loved the city (kind-of true). It wouldn't be until later that I could get an apartment lined up for the time being, so it was an hour drive from where I was.

I could be myself around her and her to me. When the date of A's departure was rapidly approaching she kept making comments about moving and the plans that she had when she moved. Every time those words came out I would immediately turn to anger and resentment. I would say that A never cared about me and that she wanted to move away so that she could get away from our relationship. I had this blow-up reaction a few times until one day she asked me if what this was, was 'too much for me?'. I broke down and said yes. Of course I didn't want her to move. I fucking love her SO much. We had another mud fight of an argument that we said nasty things to each other. Finally, we had had enough. We stopped talking to each other April of this year. I tried calling A once more because I has having serious thoughts about cu**ing myself. No reply, so..... Who could have stopped me? I'm in my thirties and I still manage to bring up the high school days.

I think its getting better but I'm constantly surrounded by negativity in my life. My brother hates me, I can't see my dogs because I lashed out at the ex-girlfriend I am sharing them with, my grandmother and mother are having a serious conflict, I can't sleep, I cry constantly, I have a drinking problem, a nicotine problem, my bestfriend slept with my last girlfriend at my other bestfriends wedding, and on top of all that, I am transitioning genders. My hormones have not done me any favors over the past few months.

I talk to my therapist constantly about A still. I seem to think I'm being annoying by how much I talk about her. It's hard to rummage through all of the memories and try to think of the good when all it feels like some times is loss. Spectacular, unadulterated, fantastic loss. I miss her dearly. I don't know if she feels the same. I told here that she may not find me the way she left me. "My heart is big, but not big enough for the convenience of others." or some stupid quote like that.

I don't do much right now. I play video games, watch football, read, draw, blog, etc. I'm out of love to give right now. I have had my heart stomped on this past year, yet, I have accomplished so much. I bought my first house, I started a new job, I got medicated for depression and anxiety, I've been on hormones for 6 months now, I got my roof redone, and I won an award for one of the projects I've done! It all feels overshadowed by this lingering darkness that feels oddly familiar.

I feel very alone right now...

Maybe A will read this one day and move back to this town and take me off my feet.

Maybe I'm, getting ahead of myself.

#relationship #partnership #breakup #heartbreak #heartbroken #lovelost #the one that got away #lovers #i love her #i miss her #come back #transgender #transgirl #transisbeautiful #trans positivity

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bruhlsbees · 4 years ago

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second chance ; preview || writer!daniel x fem!artist!reader

gif credit to @/hoppancs

summary: an acceptance letter doesn't always bring joy

pairing: writer!daniel x fem!artist!reader

word count: 1,689

warnings: n/a

a/n: y'all never thought the day would come but it is (okay maybe not today but soon) but here is my soft daniel fic that i've been planning!! i hope you enjoy the preview for it!!

1999

“And this is what you want?”

Your smile faltered to a frown, lowering the acceptance letter down, staring at Daniel from your spot in the middle of his room. All sense of pride burst like a bubble.

“I-, well yes, of course,” You furrowed your eyebrows and settled at the foot of his bed, watching as he stroked his pet rat, Niki, who nestled on his arm, “I’ve spent all year preparing for this, Danny, and I finally got it.”

He nodded, attention still fixed on Niki who was nibbling at his jacket sleeve. It was hard for him to be happy, that acceptance letter meant you would leave. Leave him all alone while you traveled across the country to go to a school with people who you’d probably enjoy more than him.

You started to notice this behavior of his a few weeks ago, when you first sent in your application. He didn’t want to talk about graduation, college, the future - none of it! Daniel was content on living in the moment and didn’t want to think about anything else.

Did he think you were leaving him?

Setting the acceptance letter beside you on his bed, you crawled up to the top of the bed where he sat, settling beside him before stroking Niki’s head with your index finger. You smiled and giggled when you felt his tiny wet nose on your finger, watching as he scurried off of Daniel and down his leg, towards the end of the bed.

You watched as Niki crawled onto your acceptance letter, sniffing the paper before pacing in circles until finally curling up in a ball on top.

“Look! Niki is happy for me!” You teased, turning and looking up at Daniel who had a small smile on the corner of his lips. Taking his face in your hand, you turned him towards you, “Danny, I’m not leaving you...you know that, right?”

Taking your hands in his, he nodded and leaned against you, his forehead pressed against your own, “I know...I know. I just- I’m happy for you, but you’re going to be across the country, how am I supposed to live with myself without you here?”

You let out a gentle sigh, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs. You understood his worry, you were feeling the same, but you loved Danny, and Danny loved you - that alone would be enough to keep your relationship floating.

“I love you, Danny. It’s going to be hard, but we will make it work, yes? I��ll write you letters, we can set up a time to call, I’ll be home for holidays,” You pressed a kiss to his lips, pulling back after a moment, “Not a day will go by where I won’t be thinking of you. You’re my whole heart, forever and always.”

“Forever and always.” He murmured, kissing you again, holding you tight in his arms.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

2003

You were trying hard not to cry into the phone, your roommate in the bathroom getting ready for the day while you stayed on the phone with Daniel. You were in his hoodie, chewing on the sleeves to conceal your sobs.

“What do you mean? Is this a break or-”

“It’s not a break,” He explained, sighing into the phone. You heard him mutter under his breath before finally continuing, “This isn’t working. I can’t pretend that it is.” Closing his eyes, his head dropped, phone still pressed to his ear, his own tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Of all times, Daniel, now is when you chose to do this?” You were having your senior showcase in just a couple hours and of course you had to choose the theme of love. Stupid, stupid love. While your boyfriend was breaking up with you, you were getting ready to go on stage and present all about why your artwork reminds you of your dearing boyfriend...ex-boyfriend.

“I know, I know, but I needed to do this-”

“No!” You finally cried out, not paying attention to your roommate who had come out of the bathroom, a worried expression washed over her face as she stood in silence, listening to you speak on the phone. “You didn’t have to do this now. You could have waited, waited until I came home or, hell, anytime but now!”

Silence fell over him, unsure of what to say next. You were pissed, rightfully so, but whether you believed him or not, he did have to do it then. He was all but slapped in the face with what fell out of your mouth next.

“Is there someone else? Is that why you’ve felt the need to do this now? Before my senior showcase? Before I went on stage to gush all about how I have the perfect and wonderful boyfriend?” You snapped, face red as spit came out of your mouth.

“What? No, Jesus, why the fuck would you say that? Of course I’m not seeing anyone. I just can’t do this anymore. You know how much it kills me? Being alone while you’re across the country at school where I’m no-”

“You think this doesn’t kill me? Being at school surrounded by people and their partners? Waiting until the day where I could come home and see you? Danny, it kills me, but I suck it up because I love you. We’ve done this for the last four years...what’s made you suddenly feel different?”

Again, silence. You were right, why did he feel different so suddenly? He was drowning in his own self pity, feeling like he was no longer good enough for you. If he were to sink, he didn’t want to pull you down with him.

“I’m sorry, I-...I hope the showcase goes well.”

“Daniel, don’t!-”

Before you could get another word out you heard the other line click, the call dropping. Staring ahead of you, your mouth hung open, you all but forgot how to breathe, tears rolling your eyes as the phone dropped beside you, the sobs finally making their way out of your throat, filling the dorm room that you shared.

Your roommate was at your side in a second, holding you in her arms while you clung to her, sobbing into her chest as she rocked you, rubbing your back.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s okay,” She frowned and shook her head, “He is an awful person to do that to you, of all days. You hear? He’s not worth your tears if he can’t wait to do something like that.”

Any other time your roommate would talk down on Daniel, you’d stop her before she could finish, but today, today you laid in it. Listening as you finally heard the truth. Your sweet Daniel wasn’t the same Daniel you met in high school, and you weren’t the same you that he met. You had a whole life ahead of you, you wouldn’t let him ruin that, ruin all that you’ve worked for.

⋆ ⋆ ⋆

2018

“All the flyers are hung up. We’ve contacted the majority of the town business owners to spread the word to their customers. It’s a very sweet thing of you to do, not many open a new gallery and invite their entire hometown to come.”

You smiled at your agent’s words over the phone, leaning in your office chair as you looked at the photos on your desk. There was one of you graduating college with your roommate, one of you as a child with your family, and one at prom with Daniel.

“Yes well, you know how much home means to me, Vee, I wouldn’t want to have them think that I’ve forgotten them now that I have my own gallery,” You teased, lifting the photo of Daniel and you, bringing it close as you ran your finger down his face, “I just hope some people come.”

“Some people or Daniel?” Vee wasn’t stupid, she was your agent and mentor, being with you now for the past five years while you prepared to open up your own gallery. At this point, she was more like family than colleagues. She knew everything and yet at the same time, you knew nothing of her.

Of course you were hoping Daniel would show. That’s why you made it such a big deal to get the word out around town. You had hoped, if he was still in town, that he would see it and come. Then maybe you could finally tell him how you’ve felt. How the past 15 years have been some of the worst without him at your side.

“I’m not an idiot, I know how you look at photos of him. You have that look in your eye like you’re still hoping he will walk through your office doors and ask for you back.”

“I can’t lie to you, can I?” You joked, saying nothing else. You took one last look at the photo before putting it back on your desk, standing up and adjusting your cell phone in your hand, heading out from behind your desk and towards the window, looking out into the countryside of your home.

“Just don’t get your hopes up, dear. I don’t want you to be disappointed.” You smiled weakly and nodded. Vee was only looking out for you and you couldn’t be upset with her honesty. If you dwelled on him coming or not, you’d only spoil the opening of your gallery.

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Good, well I best be off. Have some final things to do to get ready for your big opening. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Bright and early to go down and see the gallery. I’ve heard they did a wonderful job setting everything up.”

“Great, I’m looking forward to it, I’ll see you tomorrow, Vee. Take care.” You waited until you heard her goodbye before hanging up the phone, leaning against the window as you continued to stare out the window and into the rolling green hills.

Were you a fool to be holding out on a chance? Perhaps, but you were a fool for his heart.

#second chance #daniel brühl #daniel bruehl #daniel bruhl #daniel bruhl smut #daniel bruhl imagine #daniel bruhl x reader #daniel bruhl x you #daniel brühl x you #daniel brühl x reader #daniel brühl imagine #daniel brühl smut #au #writer!daniel #modern

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daphuu · 5 years ago

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[1/2] Hi, it's ace anon again. I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian but it took me a long time to realize that and kind of come to terms with it a little. And I'm getting better about it but I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone. To me that adds to the confusion because maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction

[2/2] because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong? But it feels different with romantic feelings, and I'm sure about those so idk... It's complicated. I know that's a lot to unload on you and I'm sorry but do you have any advice on figuring things out? I know this is a lot but regardless of if you answer / what you say you've already really helped me with your previous answer so thank you!

Hi hiiii!! I spent last night thinking about this, ace anon! 💜 Here we go—

“I definitely feel romantic attraction but I think I'm a lesbian...”

So if I’m reading this correctly (and I might not be! Sorry!) then you’re saying you might be homoromantic (a woman romantically attracted exclusively to other women) but the idea of having sex with a woman is off-putting to you. That’s totally normal, ace anon. Our society has normalized straight sex in all forms of media so much that at first the idea of non-straight sex is mind-boggling. How would that work? What would we even do? The idea of sex itself can be scary on its own. What if I’m no good? What if they don’t like it? What if I don’t know what to do? What if I upset them by doing the wrong thing? But you know what, anon? Everyone starts somewhere. Cliche, yeah, but cliche for a fucking reason. (Or maybe not a “fucking” reason, but still—)

If those are the reasons you’re worried about having sex, try to communicate them with your partner (if/when you have one). I’m going to quickly share with you the three pillars of every relationship ever:

Honesty. You and your partner need to be honest with each other. This honesty needs to start from the very beginning, not just when you start dating or fucking or whatnot. Be honest about your feelings. Be honest about your desires. Telling your partner “Hey, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with xyz yet, but I’m willing to work on it/compromise with you if it’s something that’s important to you” can only help you both in the long run. You know how relationships end? Lies. Unvoiced and unknown expectations that aren’t met. Which brings us to the second pillar—

Communication. Fuck, communication is so so important. How can you know what’s going through your partner’s head if they don’t tell you? How can they know what you’re thinking if you don’t outright tell them? Over time this’ll be needed a little less—as you and your partner get a better grasp of each other, there’ll be some sort of uhhh sixth sense, if you will, that’ll form from regular communication and honesty. You’ll be able to start anticipating each other’s thoughts/needs after a few years. It’s pretty wicked. If you aren’t sure what I mean—do you have grandparents? Still married? Think of their relationship. Comfortable with each other. Still happy together. Anticipate each other’s needs, yeah? Now think about relationships of your friends or whoever around you. Not quite there yet, yeah? Still honeymoooning. That’s fine. All relationships take time! Just communicate with each other at every turn. You aren’t comfortable? Tell them. Explain why. Try to come up with a way to become more comfortable or a solution to end the thing that is making you uncomfortable. You aren’t sure what to say? Say that. “I’m not sure how to communicate my feelings right now. I’m not angry, but I’m not happy. Maybe I’m upset? Can we talk about this please?” Totally valid thing to say. Communicate honestly with each other.

Trust. Trust is so, so important! I’m gonna—you have to trust that your partner is communicating honestly with you. You absolutely have to. If they’re lying to you then that’s on them. Call them out if you truly suspect they’re lying. Before that, though—why do you think they’re lying? Why are they lying? Are they just scared of what you’ll think? Hmmm.

I once told my high school students about these pillars. One girl turned to her boyfriend, broke up with him, and moved to the other side of the classroom like five minutes after I gave this speech. #Damn. Oof. F to that guy but I was happy she took my words to heart.

Get out of relationships that aren’t good for you. Be self-aware enough to realize they aren’t healthy. Be self-aware enough to know you always have a way out. There is always a way out of a relationship. Always.

Okay, anyway, there’s my “sex doesn’t have to be scary, be honest, communicate (what hurts? What don’t you like?), and trust your partner. They don’t want to hurt you (unless you’re into that, but I don’t recommend pain play for the first time you have sex. Please, if you end up ever having sex, stick to vanilla sex for the first handful of times you try it!!)

“I still can't help feeling a little guilty about it sometimes and I'm anxious about it and I've never told anyone.”

Why do you feel guilty for being a lesbian? Lesbians are awesome. Well, some are. Some aren’t. You know why? Because lesbians are just people. Everyone in any gender or sexuality or romanticality—we’re all just people. And there are people are great and people who are not-so-great in every aspect of life. There are quiet lesbians, loud lesbians, short lesbians, tall lesbians, annoying lesbians, friendly lesbians, cis lesbians, trans lesbians, etc etc. You don’t have to feel guilty for possibly being a lesbian, anon! I’m sure their community would welcome you with open arms.

You’re anxious about being a lesbian? Why so? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being homoromantic or homosexual or any other -romantic/-sexual, either. What’s wrong with being human? Has someone told you that lesbians are awful? They aren’t, I swear. They’re just people like you or me or anyone else. Well, less like me, bc I’m not a lesbian, but—slsjdbdksls you know what I mean!!!

Serious talk ahead: Anon, if you live in a situation where coming out might be harmful to you, don’t come out. Don’t tell people who would use it against you or harm you for it. Just don’t. I’m sorry to make that sound so harsh, but I will never encourage putting yourself in a bad or worse situation. Maybe you’re restricted to only telling online friends that you’re queer. That’s fine. Woot woot let’s be queer together! Hi! You’ve already told me, after all. I don’t know who you are, but I know you’re quite possibly homoromantic and maybe asexual (or demi, or grey-a) and I certainly am not judging you for it. You could be a walrus and I’d still be supportive of you, anon. (As long as you let me pet you if we ever met, bc I’ve always wanted to pet a walrus. Sofft??)

If you aren’t in a situation where coming out might be harmful, what’s holding you back? Is it just you? Are you afraid of what your family/friends will think? Let me share a thing with you—and this is only if you aren’t in a potentially harmful situation—love is love. You have to consider your friends’ and family’s priorities. Will they prioritize loving you over or under their prejudice against queer people? Why? Hopefully your friends would accept you no matter what sexuality or romanticality you put forth, but I know that some friends are young and silly and selfish and straight-up assholes. Dude. Seriously, if they value you as a person and not just because they think you’re “straight,” then they’ll still value you as a person when you tell them you’re a lesbian.

To reiterate: There’s nothing wrong with being queer. There’s nothing wrong with being a lesbian. There’s nothing wrong with being straight. There’s nothing wrong with any of the -romantics or -sexuals. You’re normal. You’re human. You’re still figuring it out. Telling people you’re a lesbian and then telling them you’re bi like two years after that bc you’ve come to some sort of realization is 100% acceptable. Not being sure about yourself but wanting to share it with others is 100% acceptable. Everyone craves acceptance from their loved and cherished ones.

“...maybe that's why I'm so uncomfortable with the idea of having sex and why I don't really feel sexual attraction...”

Lemme—being a lesbian isn’t likely what’s making you uncomfortable with the idea of sex. Maybe it might make you nervous about it because you don’t know what to expect, but it shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable to the point you don’t feel sexual attraction. Honestly, anon, just go live life. When you have a romantic partner, you can figure it out with them! Tell them straight up from the get-go that you aren’t sure how you feel about sex and that they’ll have to be patient to work through this with you. They won’t judge you or put you down for it—and if they do then you know they aren’t right for you. Never let someone pressure you into having sex.

I’m an uncommon (not rare) asexual who enjoys sex. I didn’t think I would at first, tbh. Actually, until I figured out what I liked, I hated sex for like the first year I was doing it. Sex can be nice. It can be causal and silly. You can laugh during sex. It can be really hilarious sometimes. I love sex where everyone’s laughing bc of silliness. You don’t need to fear sex, anon, but I’m going to throw this at you: if you aren’t comfortable with the idea of having sex, don’t force yourself to have sex. If you choose to have sex with a future partner or something, that’s fine and dandy, but honestly? It’s not a race. If the people around you are expecting you to go start having sex whether you’re comfortable with it or not, then you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Your friends should be supportive. What I said about those three pillars of a relationship—they apply to every relationship. Friendship, partnership, family bonds, romance, sex, everything.

You don’t need to feel sexual attraction to the people you’re romantically attracted to in order to be whole or valid or normal or whatever people want you to be. You really, really don’t. Just be yourself. Another good cliche for another good reason. Being yourself is so freeing. React to people how you wanna react, not how you think they want you to react. Sex and romance aren’t the same thing and they certainly don’t have to be. You can have sex without romance. That’s valid. You can have romance without sex. That’s valid. You can have both. That’s valid. You can have neither. That’s valid. There’s literally no wrong choice here. Don’t get yourself down about who you are, anon. You’re perfect the way you are, I promise. If there’s a part of you that you don’t like, either come to love it or change that part just enough that you can love it. But don’t change yourself because of what you think people think you should be like. You won’t recognize yourself in the end. Just be you, yeah? <3

“...because - I know that sounds bad - but it feels kind of wrong?”

Being a lesbian feels wrong? Or the thought of sex with another woman feels kinda wrong? Let’s unpack that a bit.

Why might being a lesbian feel wrong to you? Several options here:

You were raised to believe that anything other than heteronormativity is wrong. You feel ashamed of your lesbianity because of that.

Media. “But we’re on tumblr! The queer community is so welcome here!” Yeah, but it’s not so welcome pretty much anywhere else. Media—music, movies, shows, news—has been depicting straight as the good positive norm and anything not-straight as bad negative unnatural freakishness for years. Sorry, I meant “decades.” Think about that for a hot minute. Only recently—the last decade or so—people have started putting forward the concept of “queer is okay??” in media, and even then it’s with a bunch of awkward question marks. Yeah, we’re getting about this, but being comfortable with who you are is difficult when everywhere you look in the world you see people hateful of certain parts of you.

You aren’t a lesbian. Yeah, I said it. I know. “Wait what I thought you were supportive oh no!?” Hahaha look!! Listen! Maybe you aren’t a lesbian. Who knows? Maybe you’re biromantic, or maybe you’re panromantic, or maybe you’re something else you haven’t discovered the right label for yet. I suggest doing some research. If you can’t look it up on the ol’ home computer, libraries exist for a reason. They have computers. Go duckduckgo some shit about sexualities and romanticalities. I’m 100% sure you’ll find way more helpful stuff out there than whatever I could tell you about lesbians. I’m not a lesbian. I don’t really know what being is lesbian is like. I’m sorry I can’t help you out here.

So you have some options to think through. If it’s one of the first two—I’m so sorry. Please know that the world is as vast and differing as its people. Everyone has different opinions and share different thoughts about everything. Complicated, yeah, but ?? Idk. Just know that you will encounter people who are supportive and adoring of you at some point in your life. Get out of whatever bad situation you might be in if you can. Please. Be safe. Be strong. Be sure. <3

Or, if you meant that the thought of sex with another woman feels wrong—

Why? I know I’ve been asking you that question a lot. I was a high school English teacher. Trying to make my students use their brains and question everything was quite literally my job. I like teaching people to think for themselves instead of accepting everything someone else says. On that note—please know that in some or most cases I might be completely wrong about everything I’m saying. Take my words with a grain of salt. How reliable of a source am I? I’m just some random chick on the interwebs. You don’t know me. I might be just sitting here lying my ass off. (I’m not.) Please please please pull your information from multiple reliable sources so you can be sure that the content you’re learning about such an important matter is factually true. Don’t teach yourself misinformation. Got it? Good? Gucci? Cool.

So, again, why? Why do you feel that way? Why? Is it the thought of sex at all that feels wrong? Is it because it’s with another woman? Is it because you don’t know how to do it? Is it because you’re scared of it? Is it because of some past incident or abuse? Why do you feel like sex with another woman is wrong? This might sound odd but honestly???? Look up lesbian couples. Lesbian porn, even. Shocking. I know you’re saying “!!!!” in your head right now. Relax. I’m not just saying “hey kid watch some pornnnnnn!!! Hehehhe!” I’m trying to say that if you’re (not a minor, first of all, please please) uncomfortable because you fear the unknown or because you think it’s weird, look up some basic amateur lesbian porn. I say “amateur” because that shit isn’t a huge fake production like the usual professional stuff. The professional stuff is really weird tbh. If you prefer watching that, fine, but just know that it isn’t very well reflective of what actual sex with a woman might be like. Once you’ve watched some of that (cheeks flaming, heart racing, forehead sweating, eyes wide) and come out on the other side (laughing, hopefully, because oh my god isn’t porn so awkward and funny to watch???) then consider why you feel the way you do about lesbian sex. Consider if your opinion has changed. What caused that change?

I’ve had sex with women before. Use lube. Use lube even if you aren’t having sex with a woman. All people having sex should always use lube. Idgaf if you’re “self-lubricating” and “totally wet enough already!” Use more lube anyway. Just throwing that out there. Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable! That’s a mistake I see a lot of people who are new to sex make. They won’t use enough lube and then they’ll wonder why they hurt or they’re bleeding a little or whatnot and it’s just—lube. Lube is your friend. Water-based lube is the best, I think. Get some of that flavored stuff that tastes good to both you and your partner(s). Have at it, anon. But don’t worry about that stuff unless you actually plan on having sex one day.

I’m sorry. This whole post is verging on The Talk I gave to my youngest sister bc her mom is useless with this stuff. My youngest sister is a lesbian. She was terrified at first. “What if I’m terrible,” she said. “What if I don’t like it?” She asked. She cried a lot that week when she figured out she was a lesbian. She came crying to me. I answered her questions about relationships and sex as well as I could. I’ve had sex with members of every gender I’m currently aware of. I have a lot of advice to give about everything. She knew that. She’s pretty happy and she’s just started her first lesbian relationship with some chick from her school. They’re pretty cute together, ngl. She’d kill me if she knew I was talking about her, though, so I’m going to just leave it at that. Yes, being not-straight can be terrifying and nerve-wracking at times. I’m so, so sorry you might feel this way. Please know that you’ll have support from more corners than you think you might. And if you ever need anything, I’m right here along with the rest of the queer folk who certainly won’t judge you for being whoever you are. 💜💜💜

#not ah #i answer stuff #ace anon #anon asks #anonymous #anon #hi ace anon!#have a wonderful day~!! <3333 #stay hydrated #<3 #fave #ace talk #lesbian talk #idk how else to tag this lol #long post #ace pride #asexual #lesbian #idk

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iamvegorott · 6 years ago

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A story, I've never finished. (Fae! Anti's backstory.)

(A story began by the lovely @lavenderamy )

My name is Anti well, that’s the title I gave myself after the accident that changed my life forever. I died and I still am very much dead, the is no real way to escape that fact anymore no matter how much I want to hide it. The day “it” killed me and left this hellish scar across my neck as a reminder to what I once was, what I am now, and what I will always be. My life was so wonderful before that happened, I was a regular fae, growing up with my protectors, well what you humans call mother’s and father’s, they were so lovely and yet thinking about them hurts. My older sister Niamh and older brother Samuel were just peachy towards me, every day I loved it and loved them. My childhood was fucking amazing, it was just the only time where I was truly happy and didn’t hate myself for who I am today.

I grew up in Ireland, we lived underground in old fairy mounds, across the western sea, in an invisible world that coexists with the world of humans. I was adopted by my protector Maeve, she was my world after my father left and my human mother died, I lived with her for years learning as much as I could about the aes sídhe. I was a Gancanagh, which means ‘love-talker’, I was a male fairy being of the same tribe as the leprechaun, but, unlike them, we personated love and idleness, it was considered very unlucky to meet us, and whoever was known to have ruined his fortune by devotion to the fair sex was said to have met a gancanagh. I was just a baby when Maeve found me, being held tight by my dying mother who held on just long enough to ask this of her. “Please take care of my baby, I know not where his father went but I know that he mustn’t stay in this world, would you grant me the wish of keeping my baby alive?” Maeve accepted and lay my mother to rest, every time she tells that story it makes me wonder what my mother was like, and who my dad really was. Niamh and Samuel always treated me like family even if they knew I was not, we grew up together and they would always be so nice to me, hell every one of them was nice to me even though I was different.

I spent most of my time outside talking to the animals who understood me and I them, listening to the trees tell me how they felt about Maeve’s gardening, (she apparently was terrible at it), no matter what it always made me smile. The sounds of the forest was my lullaby, nothing was more calming to me than rain, the soft pitter-patter or even the heavy thunderous sounds and lightning flashes. Everything about this place was so perfect, just to be able to sit down in the grass, play with the horses, sheep, cows, and chickens, plant vegetables and fruits to have as a snack or for supper. I loved to help Maeve and Niamh out, with the instructions of the trees, by the way, they would always mock them for being terrible at everything when it came to being outside, in their eyes, they even breathed wrong. I loved the way they kinda hated everyone but me, that made me feel so warm and happy inside, even the animals loved me, I would really be the only one who talked to them, brush them, feed them, and play with them, we had a sheepdog that somehow wandered into our world, the truth about our dog was that it was a shapeshifter and came here to be protected by us. My infancy wasn’t something that was memorable, when I was four I let the dog in through the window to feed him and then go to bed. His name was Kylee and man was he fun, we were best friends, we ate together, played together, slept together, and bathed together, even if Maeve didn’t approve of the last one, we would go to splash around in the local river just for fun! At five I had just learned that he could talk and we would whisper until Maeve yelled at us to go to bed. I was six when I finally was allowed out by myself, I always let Kylee tag along with me, I made him a seashell and vine bracelet that he kept.

When I was seven Maeve left us. She was gone for days and neither Niamh nor Samuel knew where she had gone. I kept asking every single day, even during most of the night I couldn’t sleep, cause I was worried about her. I wanted her home. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I wanted my Ma to come back. Some days I became unresponsive, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t go outside, I couldn’t sleep and I refused to talk to anyone. I just wanted to see her again, I didn’t want her to leave me again… She kept so many secrets from us but whenever she came back, she would act like nothing happened. I needed to know what she was keeping from us, so one night while everyone was sleeping, I snuck into her room. I knew that it was wrong but I needed to know what she was doing, who she talked to, why she got so many letters from the same person, why they would make her leave us…

Leave me…

I twisted her doorknob slightly to check if it was locked. A soft click was heard as the door creaked open and I walked in, letting it slowly creak closed behind me. Why would she leave her door open? That’s stupid but at the same time, good since it wouldn’t draw suspicion to everyone else, but to me that makes it worse. No one ever questioned her or her actions and even still, we couldn’t place why she wouldn’t tell us anything about where she would go. I was a very curious child and though I had a strong head on my shoulders, I couldn’t help but want to make sure she wasn’t involved in something she shouldn’t be. I carefully walked around her room, making sure not to make any kind of noise. I looked around the contents of her room and walked over to her bed, slowly setting myself down onto it, with a minuscule creak. I felt something stab my leg making me jerk in the other direction, only to hit the wall with a soft thud noise. “Fuck that hurt…” I whispered and covered my mouth immediately afterward. I didn’t want Kylee to hear me or find me in here alone, let alone risk waking Niamh up from her beauty sleep. If I woke her, man that would not end well for me. She got extremely cranky when she hasn’t gotten enough sleep and though Sam would wake himself up, he still would never be as bad as she was when she didn’t want to be awake. I turned around to find the sharp object and pulled it out of the bed slowly, my eyes widened as I realized what it was.

A knife…

Why would she have a knife in her bed?

It didn’t cut me, luckily enough I was fine but even though I was okay that doesn’t mean I won’t be asking her about it later or keeping this pretty knife. I slipped off the bed and landed on my left hand, sliding the knife into the pocket on my right side and set myself down on my legs. A soft creak escaped the floor as I made my way towards her desk, pulling at each one, the top drawer was full of trash and pictures that I made when I was younger, just stupid scribbles but I was happy that she at least kept them. The second drawer was filled with writing equipment, there was this really pretty fountain pen that Niamh and I made for her, I closed the drawer then made my way to the last one. The third drawer was filled to the brim with letters from “The Fairy Queen”? Who the hell was that? I haven’t heard of her but still, she sounded important, I guess. I put the letter back and closed up the drawer only to jump when I heard a soft knock on her door.

Oh shit! I need to hide but where?

I hastily searched around until I spotted her closet and ran inside of it, closing it before her door was opened. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I didn’t close that drawer! No! Fuck, I’m such an idiot, shit! Please don’t find me!

Eight through eleven weren’t very fun for me, I was still trying to find my place as an adopted child and everyone was trying to keep an open mind but there were these boys who just hated me for no reason.

When I talked to Maeve about how she happened to meet my mother, she would always tell me that she was on a mission to find a runaway Fae in the name of The Fairy Queen. Though she never told me who she was looking for before she found me, I always wanted to ask but never found the courage to do so. Throughout the time I lived with them she would always disappear and leave Samuel in charge; Niamh took care of me as best as she could and even now we get along quite well. Samuel kept to himself most of the time, he would go outside and sit under trees to draw or practice the flute, something that Niamh made him after coming in contact with some things that washed up on shore. She loved to tinker with random things and make Sam, Ma, herself and I things; my favorite would have to be the pearl necklace she would always wear, same went for Ma, she would wear the gold and sapphire earrings that Niamh made. Kylee spent most of his time with me and I never understood why he loved hanging out with me, though no matter what everyone would always look at him weirdly. I never understood why they wouldn’t talk about most things whenever he was around but I just brushed it off as it was inappropriate for me to hear.

I was 12 at the time when Niamh called out for me, to come into the mound but once again I didn’t want to because me and Kylee were having fun. It was early May and close to my birthday, though late in the afternoon and I was just soaking up the light rain and crisp air with him. “Anlon! Anlon Caoimhe O'Keeffe! Come here ya crazy lad! Ma wants to talk ta you!” I ran over towards her and gave her a big hug, Kylee licked all over her and my face. “What’s the craic, Niamh?” I asked but was muffled by her breasts, she laughed as I pulled away with blush against my face. I have always had a crush on her, even though I knew it was strange, she was 7 years older than me, but nowhere near related to me. I loved her but hated her partner, he was just the worst in my eyes but that was only because of jealousy, I felt she deserved better even if it meant younger, I was willing to do anything for her but she just laughed and kissed my cheeks. She treated me like I was a child like I didn’t know what I was talking about, I was a quick-witted lad but what she needed was a man and that was all me, baby!

“I don’t know, Ma just wanted me to get ya! Go ask her that questions, Anlon. You cheeky lad, now Kylee come and get yer supper.” Kylee followed her so quickly, you would have sworn she had put him under a spell. “Ma! Where are ya at?” Maeve answered me from afar. “In the sitting room lad, come here!” Great, what did I do now? I haven’t been bad in weeks, at least I hope not, maybe it was because of Kylee and I playing in the river without her permission? I never got in trouble for it now so what changed, maybe I should have told her before we left but she never asks anyway. I walk into the sitting room and cozy up next to Maeve. “What’s the craic, Ma?” She looked over at me and ran her hands through my soft brown curls, gently and very slowly. “Anlon, I know you understand what it means when you’re adopted, right?” I nodded slowly with a smile. “Good, now you understand how it may feel for Niamh ta have to know ya have an American term 'crush’ on her. She doesn’t feel it’s right, because we basically raised you after the passing of your mother.” I push her hand out of my hair and frowned. “Really! That’s all ya called me for?! Ta tell me that I have a crush on someone who’s been there for me, my entire life and has loved me unconditionally! Ma why you know that was really a private matter that you blurted out in front of Samuel and the person this matter concerns!” I got carried away, I didn’t mean to yell it just came out that way. “Calm down, Anlon I know this is hard for ya, but you still have ta consider yer sister’s side of the tale.” I didn’t care what Niamh wanted to say right now, I just wanted to go sit in my room and talk to Kylee. “Fine what’s up, Niamh?” I asked with a frown, I was so fucking pissed at her. “Anlon, I’m sorry for telling Ma about this, but ya know it’s weird for you ta like me in that way, right? Because no matter what laddie, I’m your sister and I don’t want you ta get any ideas once yer older. I will only see you as my beautiful baby brother, nothing more, nothing less.” She calmly stated and went to hug me, I punched her in the gut and screamed at her. “I don’t want a fucking hug, you stupid bitch! You betray me then think I’ll forgive ya in three seconds! No! That’s not how this shit works, I’m going upstairs with Kylee, don’t fucking bother ta come get me for supper, I’m not hungry…” Everyone looked at me with concerned but surprised faces. “Anlon, I’m sorry-”

“No Niamh, don’t you fucking dare try ta apologize ta me! I don’t want ta hear it, just leave me alone! I hate you so much right now, no little apology will change that!” I ran up to my room, well the little space where I slept.

Kylee followed behind me, walking into my room and closed the door with his nose. “Kylee why is everyone so stupid?” He licked my face and rolled onto his back, panting and barking softly for me to rub and scratch his belly. “Fine you silly dog, one tummy rub then yer gonna answer that question.” I scooted over to him and rubbed his tummy, making his tail wag and his ears perk up. “Anlon, that’s enough, now to the question. I believe your sister was just trying to protect your feelings, instead of just outright telling you no, she chose to involve Maeve who she thought could break the news to you easily but in the end, it did not go as planned. Understand this Anlon, she’s not stupid, just concerned about you likeing her and you could have dealt with the panic better than that, you hurt Niamh and called her a bitch. How do you think she feels now?” I looked at him and kissed his nose. “You always know what to say Kylee, but I shouldn’t have ta apologize to her! She hurt me before I even got the chance ta, maybe even explain why I liked her, I could’ve at least tried to make it not seem weird between us. Thank you for listening to me Kylee, now who wants more belly rubs?!” I rubbed his tummy and giggled as he kissed me all over my face. “You’re nasty, Kylee stop it!” He sat down and looked at me with wide puppy dog eyes. “Sorry Anlon, wanna take another bath?” I hugged him and he hugged me back. “Yeah, but how do I sneak passed Ma?” He ran towards the door and scratched it. “You wanna leave?” He barked happily and continues to scratch the door, I opened the door and let him out. He dashed down the hallway and I followed behind without hesitation, watching him jump up and lick all over my Maeve’s face.

I snuck passed him but bumped into Samuel and quietly begged for him to let me pass, thankfully he doesn’t really care about arguments. “Anlon where do you think you’re going?” Niamh called out from the living room and Maeve finally calmed Kylee down. “To tha river ta clean myself off, Kylee licked all over me and it feels nasty.” She gave me a bewildered face and looked over to Kylee, who was rolling around in the floor. “Kylee show yourself before I skin ya alive!” His ears twitched and he stopped moving completely, slowly raising up onto his hind legs and becoming more human-like. Once his fur and animalistic features were almost gone, Maeve wrapped his lower half in a towel, cause dogs are usually naked and she wasn’t sure if he would be too. He was just wearing a pair of black shorts and the bracelet I made him when I was six. “Yes Niamh what is it that you need of me?” She walked over calmly and slapped him, I have no idea what he did wrong but hey as long as she didn’t slap me I was cool with it. She turned towards me, I may have spoken too soon, but she didn’t lay a hand on me, she just went back into the living room. “I understand why you lay your hand on me, young Niamh. I will do everything in my power to right this wrong. Come now Anlon, let’s take a bath and then maybe enjoy some supper once we’ve completely cleaned ourselves.” What the fuck does he mean by 'righting this wrong’? What did he do wrong? I have so many questions that my head hurts, but I’ll ask them when we’re far away from the mound where they can’t hear us.

I opened the door and walked out quickly, dragging Kylee along with me, he stayed in his human form the entire time we ran away. “Anlon, what’s the matter?” He asked and I stopped to look at him. “Pick me up so I can kiss it to make you feel better.” Now, Kylee was an adult and much taller than I was, but he treated me like I was an adult even if I wasn’t at all. “Yes of course Anlon.” He picked me up and looked into my eyes and I looked into his as well, he was so pretty and strong. I loved how soft his hair was, how quiet his breathing was, his embrace was calming and his bare chest was warm, his smile was inviting and yet mischievous, but best of all he let me kiss away his boo-boo. “What are you thinking about, Anlon?” I looked at him and blushed, staying silent and finished kissing his cheek to make him feel better. “Nothing Kylee, let’s get cleaned up alright?” He put me down and grabbed my hand gently, just to make sure I didn’t run off. It was okay to love him, he’s my best friend, we grew up together, technically we did.

He was already a teenager when we met and I was four years old, he would keep me warm at night even if Maeve didn’t know he was in the house, I would let him in through the window and feed him, then go to bed. “Anlon, once we get to the river I have to tell you something.” I looked up at him with a small smile and pinched his side. “I know that, I was gonna ask you about what happened anyways. When we get there can we dive and swim together?” He pinched my cheek and picked me up by the arm, lifting me up into his arms and kissed my forehead. “Of course we can. We can do whatever you want to do, just ask me and your wish is my command, young Anlon.” We made our way down towards the river and noticed some other kids were splashing around in the water, not that I minded but I just wanted it to be me and Kylee this time. I wanted to just be alone to talk about what the fuck just happened, I mean I could shoo my friends away but they would just try to pick on me like they always did, I was shorter than them, more feminine, and always hung out with Kylee, like I depended on the dog, which I kinda did. I needed him more than anything sometimes, the thoughts that I would have were worrisome and Maeve would always ask him to help me sort them out. Even though I never understood why she would always turn to him when I had those kinds of thoughts but I’m not complaining, he had a way around words that I could never wrap my head around. It sounded so sweet and persuasive, I wanted to sound like that especially whenever Niamh would bother me, I could sweet talk her into making me some porridge or giving me some honey.

“Kylee is there anyway you could ask them to maybe move just a tad, so we can talk about this and not be interrupted?” He let me down and walked over to my friends, soon they moved over to the other side of the river. “Anlon! You may now bathe!” He called out and I ran towards him, and jumped into the river, clothes and all. “Maybe you should have taken off your clothing first, that would have been smarter.” He sat down on the moist ground and watched me, not like stalking me but more caring, like a parent making sure their kids didn’t run off to find the fountain of youth and get lost. “Come in with me! We still need ta talk about this Kylee! You said we could swim and dive together anyway!” I looked at him with wide eyes and a pouty face, with the quivering bottom lip, it gets him everytime. “Yes I do recall saying that I will be doing that with you, however if you wish to have me explain why young Niamh slapped me, I must refrain from jumping in so quickly. Do not fret Anlon, I will join you shortly.” He ran his hand through my hair and smiled at me, those mercury eyes always scared me but at the same time they intrigued me. What secrets lie behind those beautiful eyes, I would love to know everything there was to know about him.

“Anlon, the reason why Niamh slapped me was because I was helping you get out of the mound once again, she dislikes that I always help you out of any situation, no matter how childish it may be. I treat you as if we are father and son, all I want for you is to be happy and have fun and experience a childhood instead of dwelling on your past, as to how you never had a real mother or father. I enjoy your company as you do mine, Samuel and Maeve may not care as much but Niamh seems to want to make sure you have more discipline than you already possess and I find her to be very conceited even if she doesn’t want to admit it. Now I will dive in with you but do tell me your opinion on the matter at hand.” I grabbed his hand and tugged at it. “C'mon Kylee!” I knew that I wasn’t strong enough to pull him into the river but I will try my hardest no matter what. “Alright Anlon, I’ll join you.” He got up and walked into the river with me, he never winced at the sudden cold or even extreme heat, it’s like he didn’t feel the change whatsoever. I hugged him and he hugged back, he was so warm and calm, I could take a nap on him right now. “Don’t get too comfortable, we still have to enjoy Maeve’s supper. Once we are done, then you may rest with me.” I drew little circles against his chest and pinched his nipple. “Mwuhaha! I’m evil and you can’t stop me!” I let him go and swam away as fast as possible, creating a distance between us before he completely caught me off guard.

I bumped into him even though he was behind me a few seconds ago, I looked at him with a wry smile and dove under the water quickly. He grabbed my ankles and lifted me out of the water with the silliest grin on his face. “You forgot that I can teleport, didn’t you?” I tried to punch him but my arms were too short and I hated him for having long arms! “Fuck you and your long arms! That’s so unfair! I want teleportation!” It seemed like such a cool power to have, all you have to do is imagine where you want to go and you can just go there! I want that power so much, it looked so fun! “If you want to learn how to hone in on your own powers then I can help you.” My eyes widened with excitement, and I almost vibrated out his hands. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Please Kylee, teach me!!!” I blurted out and got a loud laugh out of him. “Calm down Anlon, your friends are looking at you very strangely, but I will help you with those powers of yours. Especially your ability to phase through objects, still haven’t the fainted clue as to how you gained that ability.” He released my ankles and I fell back into water, landing on my hands and flipped onto my feet. I looked at him with a cheeky grin and laughed before answering him.

“Maeve said my Ma had this power! I don’t know how she knew about it but I feel like I’m closer to her just by using this power and embracing my humanity! Also yeah Niamh and I have always had a very awkward relationship, though we both love each other, it got very weird when I began ta see her as someone aside from my sister, I began to feel warm inside whenever I was around her, not in a good way either. The feeling was more like I wanted to kiss her on the lips, not on the cheeks like we usually do, I don’t like this feeling that I have but there is also some jealousy towards her partner and I just want ta make it all stop. I don’t want to feel this way about her, I hate it so much, why does she have be so fucking hot, it’s driving me mad! The way her beautiful golden eyes with chartreuse-lime speckles light up whenever she finds something on the beach or in the woods that she can tinker with, her deliciously chubby pear-shaped body and those ta die for hazelnut freckles, fuck me! Her wings, damn I can’t even try to describe her wings they’re just too gorgeous! Her fair vanilla skin, round eyes, beautiful pink lips, her smile is like a breath of spring, and her voice is soft like summer rain whenever she talks or sees me, the way the beauty mark above her lips moves when she smiles as well as her teeth that shimmered like ivory, her beautiful long curly ginger hair with gold and white strands, I would love to brush through all of it… Her ginger hair and sparkling eyes flashed like the morning sun on the horizon. The long elegant red and green dress that she favors, tickles my fancy as well, those are two of my favorite colors and she rocks them with all the confidence in the world! Niamh Zinovia O'Keeffe! Why do you make me hurt and yet feel so good at the same time?” I covered my eyes and curled into a ball, slowly sinking in the water, before someone pulled me out of water.

“Don’t let Niamh hear you talk about her like that or she’ll avoid you.” Samuel looked at me, those scarlet-cherry eyes with arctic blue speckles and a small grin on his face. “Hey Sam, what’re ya doing out here?” I asked sheepishly as he carries me to land and just drops me. “Mom wanted me to come and get you for supper. Dry off and get your glad eyed self in the fucking mound.” He walked off not even checking to see if I was okay, though he did laugh quietly to himself. I hope he didn’t hear all of that, I would fucking slit my throat if he heard all of that shit. He dropped towels on Kylee, when did he have time to do that? Kylee handed me the towels and a change of clothes, that I didn’t even see Sam give to him. “Come now and get dried off Anlon, we mustn’t be late for supper. Maeve would have our heads if we don’t show up on time, if we’re late again for what was it? The 7th time, I believe? I’m happy that she is very forgiving of our absence but this time she refuses to overlook it.” He hands me the towels and the spare clothing, ushering me into the woods to change while he stands guard. “Her supper isn’t even that good sometimes, that’s why I skip it!” I laughed and he joined in shortly, eventually we both calmed down just as I finished drying off and getting dressed. “I’m supposed to be the dog and even I don’t like her cooking. She doesn’t know how to season properly, so it all just comes out bland.” We both laughed extremely loud and hard that I started to wheeze and snort. “Calm down, Anlon. Do not exasperate your condition, do you want me to carry you into the mound, so that you may catch your breath?” My long black lashes were slack with tears, as I nodded my head and coughed. He gently picked me up by my waist and held me against his chest. His breathing was quiet and calm, even as he sped towards the mound. “Kylee, can I ask you something?” I whispered. “Yes well technically you just did ask me a question, but what is it that you wish to ask of me?” He replied sweetly even if he was being an ass at first.

“Can I you be my dad, since I don’t have one?” He slowed down to a stop right in front of the mound and looked at with a shocked expression. “What brought on this? I mean yes, of course I would love to but this will only be between us, Niamh, Samuel, and Maeve cannot know about this. Do I make myself clear?” His eyes lit up and grew darker just as he finished his sentence. “Crystal, but can you put me down before we go in?” He set me down and opened the door. “Anlon! You both are just in time, Kylee would you like to join us at the table?” Maeve asked and he bowed, which for some reason he always did towards her and Niamh. “Yes Maeve, I would love to join you at the table. Thank you for your generous offer and I wholeheartedly apologize for being late those other seven times, yet you forgave our tardiness with you endless generosity.” He kissed the back of her hand and sat down next to me. “Kylee what was that about?” He placed a finger over his lips and smiled softly, giving me the signal to be quiet and wait until later. We sat there and ate our dinner, this time the porridge was sweet, flavored with vanilla, orange, and honey. “Ma! This tastes so good!” I said with my mouth full, taking large gluttonous spoonfuls and shoveling them into my mouth. “I didn’t make it, Niamh did. She came up with the flavors and just the right consistency it should be.” I stopped and glared at her, coughing a bit.

“Well then, it tastes like shit. I’ve lost my appetite, c'mon Kylee let’s go.” I got up and went to my room, opening the door just long enough for Kylee to come in, then I slammed the door behind me. “That was uncalled for, she went out of her way to cook for you and you basically spit it in her face! Do you know how sad she looked once you said that!?” I looked at him with blush across my face. “I like that you care about this silly fight we’re having. Niamh is my sister and I’ll have ta accept that fact for now, I’ll say sorry tomorrow, but for right now I’m tired.” He grabbed my lotion and passed it to me. “You did just finish a bath and the smell always helped you sleep.” I took it from him and used it on my arms, legs, face, tummy and chest, that was all I could reach. Kylee grabbed my lotion and took some out, slowly lifting my shirt and putting the lotion on my back, rubbing small circles as he massaged my back. He pressed my face against his chest and picked me up, slowly laying down on the bed with me on top of him. “Anlon, I bid you a good night’s rest.” I laughed a little bit but got quiet as he covered us up and rubbed larger circles into my back. “Nighty-night Daidí.” I listened to him yawn as my mouth did the same, I rested my head. Right before I fully drifted of to sleep, I felt a soft kiss placed atop my head. “Sweet dreams, my son.” I smiled softly as I finally went to sleep wrapped in warm scents, very thick covers and my best friends arms.

#lavendaramy #submission #antisepticeye #Fae!Anti

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teenguyen92 · 4 years ago

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Why Friends With Benefits Are the Best Relationships

Just a nice article to read. It seems true to me though.

In a few days, I’m going to Cuba on vacation with a guy I’ve been sleeping with for eight years, but whom I've never once called my boyfriend. We live on different continents, but inevitably, a few times a year, we find each other somewhere in the world, have a few days of romance, and then go our separate ways. This arrangement would generally be called a friend with benefits, or a fuck buddy, or a romantic friendship, or perhaps even a relationship—with “no strings attached.” But let’s be real: There are always strings, aren’t there?

It was while planning this vacation that it hit me: The two longest relationships of my life have both been with men who I was never officially dating. Boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my friends with benefits have stood the test of time. I mean, eight years. That’s longer than I predict my first marriage will last. And while I can’t imagine being with my Cuba date “for real”—I mean, he’s a low-key homeless anarchist who once took me on date to his Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting; there are red flags—I still value our relationship immensely. And he actually knows me better than a lot of my partners ever did. So what is it about the friends with benefits dynamic that is more sustainable, and often more transparent, than an actual relationship?

People are skeptical of fuck buddies. They’re like: How can you have sex with the same person, again and again, without falling in love? Or at least, without getting super-jealous and Fatal Attraction–esque? Some assume that one of the “buddies” is always being strung along, secretly hoping that the fucking leads to something more serious. Others dismiss fuck-buddy dynamics as just being compulsive sex that’s devoid of emotion. But why do things have to be so black and white? Surely it’s possible to find a middle ground between eternal love and zombie-fucking a stranger: a place where you can care about someone, have good sex, and yet not want to literally implode at the thought of them sleeping with someone else. Right?Case in point: The most significant romantic friendship of my life was with an ex-editor of mine, whom I’ll call Malcolm. We started “a thing” five years ago and have yet to end it. When I met him, he was 45 and charmingly grumpy, and he would always tell me: “Sex is so perfect. Why destroy it with a relationship?” I’d go over to his apartment for a couple hours in the afternoons, we’d have sex (soberly, which meant I could actually cum), and then afterward we’d drink tea and complain about stuff. It was the best.

There were times when we saw each other frequently, and other times when things dropped off for a while, usually because one of us had a partner. And sure, when he would get a girlfriend I would be a little bummed out—I’m (unfortunately) not a sociopath—but it didn’t cause me to spiral into an emotional cyclone the way I would have if I’d been cheated on by a boyfriend. After all, disappointment comes from expectation.Over time, Malcolm and I became really close. It felt like we had entered this secretive bubble of transparency—we were emotionally intimate, yet free of the burden of jealousy and ownership. We could spill our guts to each other because we didn’t have anything to lose. I told Malcolm about my previous relationships, my fantasies, my heartbreak. Once, he told me this long, complicated story about an affair he had with his cousin, adding, “That’s not something I tell most people.” Probably wise on his part, but I loved that story, as problematic as it may be, because I loved knowing something about him that no one else did. Sometimes it feels like we are more honest with our friends with benefits than we are with our partners.This paradox always makes me think of that Mad Men episode when Betty seduced Don at their kid’s summer camp, well after they had both remarried. Afterward, when they’re lying in bed together, Betty says of Don’s new wife, “That poor girl. She doesn’t know that loving you is the worst way to get to you.” Harsh. But sometimes, romantic friendships can offer a type of intimacy that committed relationships can’t.I was curious to know if Malcolm felt the same way I did about all of this, so last week (for strictly journalistic purposes), I paid him a visit. “Having a friend with benefits is great because it’s just—it’s just less annoying,” he said, smoking a cigar and dressed in an inexplicable beige silk onesie. “It’s more of a low-intensity intimacy. It’s not encumbered by obligations, which just lead to resentment.”He then gave me that look—the one that means he’s about to admit to something despicable and blame it on humanity. “We are all selfish—we all live in this Ayn Rand–ish self-centered world, whether we like it or not,” he said. “When you’re in a friends with benefits situation, you don’t have go to the other person’s awful friend’s birthday party. But if you behave like that within a conventional relationship, it causes problems.

“With [FWB] there’s no illusion about the carnal aspect,” he went on, “so you can be really literal about it: You are two people who like and respect each other—and you like to fuck. There’s beauty and freedom in that honestly. And you can be playful. You can have your sex-power persona, or you can play the super-misogynist pig, or the bimbo, and it’s okay, because you’re not being judged. But if you change that dynamic into being a real relationship, then those games might not seem so sexy anymore.”In other words, your fuck buddy gets all the good stuff about being in a relationship—the wild sex, the cuddles, the juicy dark secrets—minus all of the boring, would-rather-die activities that go hand in hand with commitment, like having to help assemble your boyfriend’s IKEA bed, or having to watch your girlfriend stab at the ingrown hairs on her bikini line while she watches the Kardashians. (That’s me—I’m the girlfriend who does that.)Essentially, you’re taking a relationship and removing the creepy ownership of another human being, which leaves more room for hedonism and sexual exploration. Like, who do you want to bring to the sex party—your boyfriend or your fuck buddy? It’s a no-brainer. I’ve done so many things with fuck buddies that I never would have tried with partners, because I was too much of a jealous monster. (Like once I let Malcolm tie me to a dresser while I watched him have sex with my best friend. Unsurprisingly, it was literally awful, but now at least I can say I’ve done it?)One of the most masterful fuck friends I know is my friend Casey, a 26-year-old Ph.D. candidate in English, who until recently had a FWB for 12 years. It started when she was 13, with a boy whose family spent every summer in the same beach town as she did. (Cute alert.)Over martinis at Cafe Mogador, Casey told me, “When I’m dating someone, my immediate impulse is to be like, ‘Let’s lock shit down! My anxiety will decrease if I know you want to marry me in six years from now!’ Which is crazy and not hot or sustainable. But my longer romantic friendships have been a safe space. They’ve helped me figure out how to relate to someone romantically without the immediate trigger of, Where is this going?” In other words, having a fuck buddy is a great exercise in non-possessiveness.

“The thought of my boyfriend fucking someone else makes me want to wear his skin like a goddamned wetsuit,” she said, eyes bulging. “But with my fuck buddies it’s been like, ‘Oh, my God, tell me more.’ There’s almost a level of titillation to sex stories when it’s somebody who’s not your boyfriend. But why is that? I wish I knew, so I could bottle it and never be possessive ever again.”For all the benefits of fuck friendery, it’s still possible for this dynamic to screw with your emotions. “At different points in our relationship,” Casey recalled, “it was hard to respect the line between friendship and flirting when he started dating someone, because I’d known him more intimately than his new partner. It’s like my morals were thrown out the window, and I felt this gross egotistical sense that I should come first, because I’ve been around longer, like, ‘Girlfriends come and go, but I’m forever.’” Sometimes it’s hard to accept that these dynamics usually have an expiration date, which tends to be when one person gets into a committed relationship. And, unfortunately, not only do you lose the benefits, but you sometimes lose the friend, too.We are taught that all relationships that don’t end up in marriage are failures (because, ya know, hetero-normativity and patriarchal narratives or whatever). But subscribing to that belief ignores the fact that romantic friendships can be extremely fulfilling, enlightening, and straight-up fun. Of course, I’m not dismissing the benefits of committed, long-term, loving relationships. But both dynamics are valuable in their own right. And perhaps the reason romantic friendships are often so sustainable is they lack the soul-baring vulnerability and intense emotional investment.Maybe the coolest thing about the fuck-buddy economy is that it allows women to actually enjoy sex in a casual way, without having to enter an old-fashioned ownership contract. It celebrates female sexual autonomy. It’s a chance to explore ourselves and other people. And in the interim, we can discover who we are and what we like, instead of committing to a pseudo-marriage we aren’t ready for.

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