#but i'm not about to hurt someone else irl to prove myself so what other option do i have

[6-of-november]

The last worry of moving-in, me, ig. That's how it feels when my girlfriend has inadvertently (but on a few occasions admittedly purposely) talked down to me about being polyamorous/sexual.

In a super-abridged timeline: when we first hung out before any bits of a relationship (48 hours after introduction) I told her I was poly, when we met she was poly but not okay with me being poly bc she liked women & "it's different" that she wants a female to female connection than me wanting another female-male connection. It was less than a year into us being together when she tried justifying her gender double standard & I told her, "go fuck yourself." It came up in conversation, she genuinely doesn't remember this entire day. In the time that followed, I didn't behave polyamorously first bc I was at college, it wouldn't be fair to her if I found someone IRL & left her alone, then bc it was the pandemic & it's just not practical, then the whole threesome thing occured & that fallout so I didn't behave polyamorously to re-prove my commitment to her.

Well, it's been two fucking years, since that incident & it's about to be 2 fucking years since she asked me to take her back after she left me over the whole threesome thing. At every one of these summary life phases I have been given a different excuse why I shouldn't be allowed to be poly. I'm not some filandering ass hiding behind words, I feel my crushes, I've cried out my complicated emotions in this realm, & I've tried everything I can think of to become un-poly to please my partner. If it didn't bring me more joy & deep fulfillment than anything else I would love to just get rid of that part of me but I can't. Yesterday marked one year clean of all the drugs & habits I quit cold turkey just because I could, so know, that if I could make this change in myself I would & that the effort was there.

My partner has said some awful things about me being poly in the past, "you're just a boy," "you're never doing that," "Fuck you, what is wrong with you," "I have to be special, me, no one else," & the most recent (bad) thing, "well that's what it is isn't it." That last one seems odd, but that was her response to me venting about my parents anti-poly rant which I concluded with, "this is a real thing, I'm not just a horny ass hole." "well that's what it is isn't it." "A horny ass hole?" "Yes" I was mad, I left about five minutes after that exchange & saved my yelling & crying in the car. There's been good parts over the years like when we cried together that we couldn't change for the other in this regard, when she promised she understood I am this way & it's something I can't change, or recently when she asked me if I need love to have sex, (tldr, I'd suspected for years she was demi-sexual & she's just starting to give this thought), & I said 'no' to which she said she will bring it up in therapy after she gets through everything else (I have serious worries about being a non-priority in her backlog of 'everything else') but that she'd be more open to things then. Issue is, I think she's building an image where we have a few spicy nights with a booty call before we die whereas I'd be down for spicy nights but I'd love to go on dates with her & love interests & optimistically find long term partners who I may someday refer to as my husbands or wives for convenience (& to piss off conservatives).

Now, my parents who I live with are fervently monogamous, & my mom in particular has talked at length about how gross & awful she thinks any form of polyamorous/sexual is & it hurts to hear, so admittedly I don't want to be poly while under their roof, but if I'm not under their roof I think I'm done being treated like dirt in this regard.

I've been poly for 9 goddamn years, I've turned down people & experiences I would have cherished & mathematically had to have missed opportunities I was actively avoiding for someone else's happiness at the expense of my own. I don't want to live in the past, I want to live in the present. nothing would make me happier than to see my partner happy, but, if I'm supposed to find happiness for myself, nothing would make me happier than asking my crushes out on dates, & getting a positive response.

The night of the almost threesome was the best & worst night of my life. Even with the third's limited participation, it was the best, most exciting, & fulfilling sex, every minute felt like a massive emotional hug, it was all better than I imagined, (even compared to my second time having sex when two of my female friends who had a weird love quadrilateral with me watched me & my ex & we made jokes & commentary)- all that overwhelming joy & I stopped it from reaching higher heights bc that would cross lines not already crossed, that's why I blurted out my crush before kisses & hands became more irreversible alternatives. My GF now agrees, my actions make complete sense, miss third wheel set me up to fail, & while I made that night awful & the next 3 months, what I did made it possible for us to get back together at all & she loves & respects that.

What I wouldn't give to feel that again without worries clouding my mind. Like, if gf would just accept me & trust me, (bc ultimately, (from thinking it over & talking to more experienced people, she has her self confidence & anxiety issues but those are her issues) she doesn't trust me & that's more of a blender blade to the heart than a knife tbh) I would ask out Mr short & cute, then theres Miss green who frankly is a picture perfect bff for my gf if they could meet (not just me who said this, & float some openness around extended friend group & apps.

Everyone knows I'm poly, everyone respects me but her, & at this point I'm so tired of having been belittled, talked down to, & made to feel so awful I don't even want to live with myself that I want to be me finally. When we got back together I promised myself that I was going to be unapologetically me, that she wouldn't stop me from living. But, here I am mincing my words, getting put down, & still in forced monogamy. I'll never cheat bc I cannot respect betrayal (shout out to the women I've almost injured when they didn't take my no for an answer, I won't cheat on my gf), but It's so hard to vocalize my frustrations. I know her mental health is rough, I don't think she's a villain but I'm in my head a lot & it's just a lot of hurt & I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, I want to be accepted. So much is out of my control I'd like to have my fucking emotional & sexual autonomy back.

If we move in together she's the only practical barrier to me finally being myself. I don't want this to be our first big fight,but, if it is, I'd be so happy if it was productive. If we split bills like we're talking (it's very much in her favor) I would have enough in my discretionary budget to actually spend more in every category I normally do (bc I have been so extra frugal) & to spend money on dates (gas, dinner, little gifts, etc.) for her &/or other cuties (I refer to love interests as cuties in my head).

I have typed too much

[riesonomuravt]

not to get personal on my vtuber account (and i decided to spare twitter the ramble) but

idk... I'm not feeling it lately.

there's been a lot of stuff. storms which limit my ability to stream, unemployment, general loneliness, feeling like I'm becoming more and more disconnected from how i usually am. I feel like my mannerisms seem cold and brash irl and can kinda feel that being the case online too. I guess I feel... out of it. i haven't spoken to some friends in forever, I rarely go out, and I just find it hard to concentrate on things. there were... some things that happened late last year and early this year. some years-long friendships ended under terrible terms. one because the person was clingy and wouldn't let me move on from past hurts, the other because I was going through a rough time unable to cope in healthier ways, lost control, and said and did things without thinking, which proved to be the last straw for the latter person. the latter scenario... it's definitely not the first time it's happened. i think about all the mistakes i've made online when i was under absurd amounts of stress, and i know it's pushed people away. some i never got back. kinda deserved it, really. i should have just stepped away from most things until things got better. especially with how people track even the smallest slights you've committed and are like THIS PERSON IS BAD AVOID THEM. I don't want to mess things up more than I already have.

the former though... i felt myself developing a grudge against that person, paranoid as to what they could be up to... the last time I got hurt like that was in 2017, someone else gaslit me by acting super friendly then cutting me off when I was in need. I was just so vulnerable, I maybe should have handled some things differently, but I... made sure that other person from back then would never try to act two faced to me again. not (just) a block, but... i requested they block me back. and i feel guilty as to how i handled it. I know I struggle with communication sometimes, I have a lot of toxic traits like insecurity, taking things personally, paranoia, anger issues, overthinking, etc. it's not an excuse, but I feel this may be a defense mechanism, and i kinda feel like I'm losing control. I had a Google doc telling my story, but I may scrap it and retell it omitting or rewording some things. I do want help, but circumstances haven't allowed for it due to delays or what have you. I've even had some negative interactions with some friends and I was scared, some of my behavior this year was just overall erratic. Maybe I am losing control and need a break. my cert courses start next week, i'll have to see the times in the day but it should be 6 months maximum. maybe if I tackle one problem at a time I can slowly get better, including trying to move on from the one who really hurt me a lot. but this year has had me re-evaluating how i conduct myself and I do need to try to improve.

I'll maybe do a just chatting stream at a later date if I'm able to, I just... don't wanna mess things up anymore and lose anyone else. all I see myself as right now is a screw up, and I can barely even focus on stuff that makes me happy. to those who still care about me despite me screwing up a lot: thank you.

[yamikawas]

ok but literally anyone else who likes yoomtah too much should die.Lol

ps: girl i went so insane i hit max tags before i was even done typing.

[hatecantwin2]

@weepingwound i don't know if you have my location or if your just bluffing but i can't sleep for the thought of you showing up at my apartment and hurting my in my sleep. you win. im terrified and i know i shouldn't have clicked the link you sent. i don't know who you are or where your from or why you chose me to terrify but i just want you to know that im literally just a harmless 21 year old asexual woman and i don't mean you any harm and i couldn't hurt a fly let alone another human but after you blocked me on my other account and i couldn't message you back i felt horrified and please please please just accept that im sorry. im literally crying right now because im that pathetic hahaha. was it because of the ace stuff i said to that other Tumblr user? because while you can't make me like her or what she said or even lesbians at all 🤢 I will still try if that's what you want and if that's what will make you stop coming for me I know you haven't said anything to me since you messaged me but I saw your blog and the scary things you post and I know you have problems and I have problems too and it scares me to think someone like you out there has my irl and location and probably my name. but like I said im harmless and i didn't mean what I said to groantube I just hated how she was being acephobic because she's a man hating lesbian that doesn't care about the LGBTQIA+ community you should see the shit she said to me she told me to kill myself and to die alone because I'm ace and that my family doesn't love me and I can't prove it because she blocked me because I tried to have a discussion with her about aces and she blocked me because she couldn't argue with the facts I gave her. shes not worth hating me over is she? she's an awful person which is why I wanted to fight her but now you know i was bluffing and never could fight her or anyone else so please just message me and tell me you won't find me irl! then we can put this all behind us and i won't have to change the locks on my doors or call my 6'6" brother 200lbs to come protect me in case your dumb enough to try and come to me because he can turn you into ground beef. but I just want this to be peaceful ok. message me again and tell me you wont come for me so I can sleep tonight and i will leave groantube alone but if you don't care about her then I'll make a million accounts to target and harass her because she deserves it. but if you do care about her i will leave her alone if message me and tell me it's ok. But just know my brother was a military medal winning Sargeant and sniper and he can actually shoot through walls if I asked him and he can take you down with no problems and nobody will ever find you again I promise. but this can all go away if you just message me and tell me im safe. i don't know what shit you are capable of like spiritually or witchcraft but I'm protected from that too by the Lord Jesus Christ our only father and savior and he can destroy any false gods or idols you put in my way. so just remember all that.

[loyal-logik]

❓ — three adjectives that describe you

🤔 — what genre(s)/theme(s) do you struggle to write the most?

😁 — what’s your favorite part about being part of the rpc?

😤 — what do you dislike the most about being part of the rpc?

🎧 — do you write while listening to music/podcasts/videos/etc, or do you need total silence?

🤗 — are there any rpc mutuals that you’d like to meet irl?

😀 — are there any rpc mutuals that you’ve met irl before?

💖 — what was one of the greatest/happiest moments you’ve had in the rpc?

😳 — what was your most embarrassing moment in the rpc?

🎁 — what have you accomplished in the rpc that you’re proud of?

// ... luv ya 💛🤣 *runs!*

Munday meme

❓ — three adjectives that describe you

Ethical, determined, blunt. X'D Honestly, it's so hard to say 3 things that describe me, because I am many things. I am many good things, I am many bad things lol. I do have a real sense of justice and I believe in a good work ethic, and it bothers me when people have poor work ethics. I'm determined when it's something I'm very passionate about, and sometimes when I know it's just something I HAVE to do, and I can be exceptionally blunt. Some people have said it's something that they've always appreciated about me, but I also know it has its bad moments...

🤔 — what genre(s)/theme(s) do you struggle to write the most?

I struggle mostly with scenes that have already been written. I don't know what else to do in a scene that has already been written when someone wants to RP it. To me, the scene has happened already? So... I don't know, I just hit a brick wall with that one, lol. Others is fighting scenes, because in RP, it's difficult as fight scenes are incredibly quick paces. That's hard to do when you're writing with someone else and trying to stretch a reply to meet a certain standard, but in reality, it's just filler. Fight scenes are action packed which means they should be faced paced. In a fic, I can deal, but in RP, it's a lot harder. Also, there needs to be a lot of communication to determine strength, and the amount of times I've had people try and beat down one of my very powerful characters just makes it awkward af. :/ People need to be aware of power advantages and disadvantages, and the overall strength of a character, and some people get very butt hurt when their character is the weaker one. :'D

😁 — what’s your favourite part about being part of the rpc?

Getting to interact with all of you, of course! Getting to meet new people and make new friends, getting to learn about those people, getting to watch others interact and back and forth with each other, and have a joyful dash that makes me happy. I love people sharing their headcanons, I love learning about their OC's or hc about canon muses, I love the art, I love the ideas bumping off each other etc. Honestly, just getting to interact with you all is a real delight and it's one of the best things about RPing.

😤 — what do you dislike the most about being part of the rpc?

The drama. Thankfully, I've always been pretty drama safe. I stay away from people who give me red flags, and I legit just am not around enough to be a part of that drama (I may also distance myself because of this tho). That's not to say I've not seen things or even had bad experiences--I have! I think the elitism is a real issue here as well, where people value aesthetics over actual writing. I'm here to write, I'm here to read, and while I absolutely love a good looking blog and enjoy the use of icons, aesthetics prove nothing to me other than you like pretty things and have good taste in pretty things. It doesn't say anything about your writing. I think that people just need to chill out and enjoy their hobbies, not cause a stink every time someone does something they don't agree on. In saying that, I also hate the idea that someone can be entirely 'cancelled' because of a silly one off mistake. We all make mistakes, and many people on this website are young and inexperienced. People change, people grow, allow them that chance instead of running them off the internet. Just unfollow and don't interact, it's pretty simple. :/

🎧 — do you write while listening to music/podcasts/videos/etc, or do you need total silence?

I am ALWAYS listening to music, lol. Music is one of my biggest inspirations as a writer and as an artist. Whenever my PC is on, it's playing music. XD

🤗 — are there any rpc mutuals that you’d like to meet irl?

I'm fairly new(ish) in this community here since my very long absence. I legit don't think I know anyone? Maybe some folks remember me due to my art? I don't know, but I think a lot of those people left the fandom and moved onto new things. So not yet...? But in my other fandoms that I RP in, absolutely! I have made some wonderful friends who I'd love to meet.

😀 — are there any rpc mutuals that you’ve met irl before?

Not RP mutuals, but friends from the fandom, yes. :) I was lucky enough to go to America a couple of times (since my partner is from the states and my mother in law still lives there), and while I went, I got to meet some of my friends in the TF fandom like a solid decade a go lol. I would love to revisit, but... money (: and time lol.

💖 — what was one of the greatest/happiest moments you’ve had in the rpc?

I think the general support that my mutuals have given me, and the friends I've made. I used to be a lot more active in the communities where I RP, unfortunately time, health, all of that has made it a lot harder for me to be around (and others), but maaaan some of those nights I'd stay up and just talk all night? Those were amazing, and I do reminisce on them at times. They were so fun. I had so much TIME to myself, and so much inspiration to draw and write, and that feeling made me feel very alive in a sense. Now I'm just another zombie trying to survive adulthood lol.

😳 — what was your most embarrassing moment in the rpc?

Pfffffff, I have no idea? lol. Probably me making stupid typos or answering a question wrong lol. I will laugh at most mistakes I make, but they can be embarrassing still. Outside of that? I honestly have no idea... I'm sure I've made a fool of myself multiple times lol.

🎁 — what have you accomplished in the rpc that you’re proud of?

Answered this one already :)

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

I'm the anon struggling with biphobia. I wanted to reply but I had an airplane to catch and I kinda forgot. As I said before I already knew that biphobia is bad and I have to do something about it, reading your answer was like reaffirming that these stereotypes are really stupid and hurtful. I'm a lesbian and I think that my prejudices come from the stereotype that being bi is a phase or something trendy (which I know it's not true), so it feels like if a bi girl wants to pursue me it's just for fun until she realizes she wants to be with a man. I don't know, I also struggle with my sexuality, I know liking girls is totally alright and I'm sure I'm a lesbian, but it can be very lonely and I live in a very heteronormative country, being straight would be so much easier. But I'm digressing here.

Also thank you to the anon that replied to me and gave me their perspective. I hope at some point to find a good therapist that knows something about lgbtq+ stuff, untill then I'll try to correct myself whenever I think of something harmful.

I hope what I said makes sense, English isn't my native language.

P.S. maybe there's also the fact that all the bi girls I know, whether it's irl or like youtubers, are in a long relationship with a man, and, idk, maybe subconsciously it makes me feel like heteronormativity is the only option. Once again, it's my problem and I'm the one who has to fix this. I just wanted to give all of the details(?)

Hi there,

thanks for getting back to us with some more background. I kind of figured that you're a lesbian but didn't wanna just presume. Honestly, I'm very glad that you asked about this. If everyone who had biphobic beliefs would a) acknowledge them as such and b) try to work on unlearning them like you are then already the world would be so much easier for bi people to live in.

Too much time and energy in bi activism is used up for proving that we even exist, that there often isn't any energy left to address biphobia. So I'm relieved in a way, any time that someone validates bisexuality and biphobia as real things. It's the bare minimum, I know, but it makes my/our work so much easier because you came to us with a foundation upon which we could discuss this. That's so much more helpful for both of us than talking to someone who doesn't even think biphobia is a thing.

Long story short: I think you are on a good way. You've already taken steps to work on your biphobia - that's more than most people can say for themselves. And I think the more you learn about biphobia (maybe just by following this blog and reading more first-hand stories from bisexuals) you will also get better at noticing it when you fall into a biphobic thought and you can stop yourself sooner. That's really all we can do when we want to unlearn prejudices - to learn to recognise them, take a step back and remind ourselves why this is wrong.

One last little thought nugget I'd like to add is that bi people who are in m/f relationships don't even necessarily "enjoy" the presumed heteronormativity that comes with it. Many of us actively reject heteronormativity and even if our partner is a straight person we might actually try our hardest to not "lose" our queer identity in the process. For example I often talk to my straight male partner about my own queerness and queer stuff because I want him to be a part of that as well.

I can only speak for myself and from what I've observed in others over the years but all bi people I know absolutely HATE it when someone assumes they are straight - even if they might have to rely on this for safety, the invisibility that comes with it usually translates into a profound loneliness and nobody likes that. It's a terrible feeling. And as a result, those of us who can come out (even if it's only to their partner and nobody else) often very much wish they didn't seem so heteronormative to the outside eye. Because we didn't choose heteronormativity, we chose a person who just happens to be of a certain gender that society deems to be The Correct One in relation to out own. It's a weird paradox to be rewarded by society for fitting a norm that we ourselves hate and would love to destroy.

Anyway... that was a long tangent but I wanted to get it out there. And by the way: your English is perfect (says I, who also isn't a native speaker lol).

Maddie

[tslasvegas]

Episode 4: “I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty.” - Keegan

Dan and JAKE! A WORD IN MY OFFICE PLEASE! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.

Wow! Today was A Day to say the least. I feel like boo boo the fool with how things went down today, but hopefully, I can recover from that now that there’s a new tribe. I’m excited to get to know new people, but sad to see my old alliances have to come to an end. I guess we’ll see what happens

Finally a swap and golly 5 OG Palazzo! I really hope this works in our favor. Kinda nervous for Joey and Stephanie tho because now they are in the minority of their tribe. I do hope they’ll find a way to survive till merge

LMFAO IM... watching the tribal council for the other tribe and I'm SORRY??? Who the fuck is Jake S he is the most condescending man I've ever seen in my entire life YIKES. Anyways this swap is nice.. I think I've got a good group, I really hope we win the next few immunities because I 1) really dont want to see Rachael on this tribe and 2) i want to try and rebuild my um. tattered relationships. I did the best I could in the challenge for tonight, I'll try to come back tomorrow a little more renewed cus I'm kinda wiped out from today's events. Now that my tribal council cherry has been popped for this Org its time to go crazy woop

So good not to check Luxor anymore! 

Well last tribal went fine, I got to see what was in the Prize Vault which is awesome; now I have a better idea of the twist. Big problem though- Our swap put me in the minority. I was running Luxor and had a core 4, now they have 5 OG Pink so they can pluck us off, one at a time. I went from drivers seat to getting driven over. We need to win the challenge, so I'm gonna go ham in winterbells and hope to pull it out.

We swapped! I think I made a confessional already, but honestly I don't remember. I gave Livingston some of my chips so he can go visit the vault after the immunity challenge. We'll see what is in there and for how much, and maybe snatch up some real nice items to help us out. I've also got Andrew on my side, which is great and he's apparently quite tight with Pat, which is fantastic. Mo is a pretty decent dude and I've been talking with Jake a lot today. Things are going alright. I just hope we can win this challenge. 

Phew, while the swap was not ideal. I was really liking my tribe, we were kind of quiet but individually everyone was great and we also kicked butt at challenges! Anyway, the swap with numbers wise not great, but I know Xavi from a previous game and we have a solid relationship, I hope he and John and Joey and myself can build a solid squad to make it to the merge. The challenge was rough tbh, I am not great at video games, but I think I did ok... Jaiden got like 20 trillion points on a game so really I have no idea how I did. Hoping for the best!

I am losing my mind in my personal life so I am sorry that I have been mia. I appreciate the patience from the hosts and my tribe. It makes me still want to play even though I've been kinda invisible. I'm aware of that. I'll fix it. I promise. Otherwise, its been pretty good as a tribe so far. Andrew, Pat, and NIk and i are all really close from other games, so we're good and Andrew and Pat and I are together, which is just really unfair if you ask me. I can't wait to start scheming!

Uhhhhhh.................................... anyways........ yall hear somethin? Oh I hear something. It's the sound of Joey literally blowing himself up to me hardcore!!!! The narcissism and arrogance really jumped out on this one. So Joey had the idea of calling tonight to go over some stuff and honestly out of the 2 hours we spent, I think about 45-60 mins of it was rather nice and I do feel that I enjoy his presence, but omg... his desire for control is so noticeable and its kinda gross. Joey and I debriefed on what went down on Bellagio and I totally understand why there was the difference in us discussing tribe dynamics - I had to give up all my info while he kinda kept things more reserved. I want to assume this is because of the fact that I went to tribal and he hasn't until now. I won't judge him for that. However, after this he's kinda like dictating the fact that an OG Bellagio needs to go home. Ben is the easier person to throw under the bus since he didn't even bother to do the challenge/let us know what's up. Not a big fan of that, but aight. Then Joey starts suggesting we vote out Kailyn...?? Uh... not on my watch. I have to make it up to Kailyn at least a little bit so even though she's probably got a loaded gun pointed at my head rn, I want to defuse the situation rather than start throwing her out there as a potential target. Even if it isn't coming from me, I'm not here for that. The information that Joey did give up to me relates to the chips in the game. I've never paid much attention to the chips, but I guess it takes 10 to get into the vault and Joey's got between 11 and 15 (he changed his answer on the subject SEVERAL times). He says there are three idols worth 40 chips each, then a super idol worth I think 50 or 60 (can't remember). On top of that, there are nullifiers, vote advantages, and a legacy advantage, too. He seems fixated on the legacy advantage and really wants the chips to get it. Like.. ok do you but we NEED the super idol?? Does he not realize that thing has more power than anything else in the vault combined..? ANYWAYS. What really started to turn me off about Joey is that there was this sudden expectation that I'd be giving him all of my chips thus far. I don't care about them to begin with but knowing what I know now, it doesn't make sense for me to give him my stash just to fuel his hunt for... a measly legacy advantage... I put myself in a compromising position. I told him that once a host gets back to me on my exact total, I'd be willing to trade him my chips for I guess an allyship going forward. I mean that. I want to work with Joey at least through this vote, but I can't guarantee that it'll go much further than that. He is a very risky person for my game right now because if he's coming off this strong to everybody, it's only going to hurt me by association to stick with him longer than a vote or two. However, I'm going to try and divert the attention and just be like, maybe we need to use my five as a bartering piece for new allies at this point. I want to try and build meaningful partnerships right now, especially since that was the only reason I wanted to make it to the merge.. Rebuilding is crucial as well. Kailyn and possibly Nik/Rachael are not going to be fond of me once we all have "the talk" about last tribal. I put myself in an even more compromising position with them, but I'll find my way out of that mess. I think........ As far as this tribe goes, I think between Joey's WILD imagination/constant over-analyzing and the lack of direction this tribe has taken so far.. I'm doing okay. Nobody is really standing out besides Joey and I guess myself in a way, so if I keep him around it MIGHT even shrink my own target little by little - unless people find out we're together then FUK. 

......five seconds later

In terms of my other relationships right now, I love John Coffey but this is old news, I've been in love with this man since like 2016 and it's fine - totally fine - just fangirling a bit rn since I get to spend more time with him!! woohoo. Xavier and Stephanie are straight up non-entities which makes me SO scared of them especially since Stephanie's won an ORG before... how can someone be so irrelevant yet still win something? Hmm... Makes me think that she's secretly a ninja, you never even see her around. Nik has grown more and more quiet as the days go along and I wonder what's goin' on with that. Maybe they've decided since Biden won the election that moving to New Zealand is a bad idea? Lmfao. I dunno. Nik stresses me the hell out because I have no idea what they're thinking at any point in time even in the off-chance that we are talking. I think I might just have a personality they don't mesh with because I noticed on call forever ago that none of my jokes were particularly landing but Nik had a lot to say and a LOT to joke about there... rip. If it's a personality conflict - go off, I guess. I'll try on a couple different hats w this person to try and see if I can get things to go better than they have been. Kailyn.. like I said before, pretty sure she's after me but I am really trying to sell it to her that I like her a lot, because I do. I literally compare her to my best friend irl because they have very similar attributes and I consider Kailyn kinda messy but fun and quirky like my BFF so I hope that Kailyn did truly appreciate me making that comparison. Ben's inability to do this challenge is going to be his undoing. I think the only acceptable move is to vote him off this time because I HAVE to prove to Kailyn that I can stay the course, and I also need to whittle down Bellagio numbers to prevent people from targeting us and having everything go to shit that way. Let Joey control this, please dear god. Don't let me get blood on my hands. Let Rachael integrate herself well on this tribe. Let someone else blow themselves up in the process. Just not me plz and thanks. There is no fear in my soul tonight. Joey might be a fucking crackhead but so am I. I'm breaking down walls that I didn't think existed but Joey basically told me tonight that he thought I was confrontational, rude, chaotic, and all these other things but was impressed at how calm, optimistic, and outgoing I was. Love to hear it. He might think he overestimated me but he was right about the initial impressions... too bad he won't be around long enough to see that side of me :~) 

FIRSTLY, DeNara was robbed. Okay so I already wrote this a while ago in my host chat about how the fact jake and dan are praying for my downfall because after the swap i am the only og bellagio on a tribe with 5 palazzo and 2 luxor. so after I slowly blinked at my screen for a bit I was like okay how do we survive this if I go to tribal. Because I’m under the impression tribes are gonna stick together especially going into merge but since Luxor is already down so many members it’s kinda Bellagio Vs. Palazzo. but then I was like okay wait I’m the only member of bellagio on this tribe after coming from a tribal so I’m the only one who can say what happened and I can create what narrative I want to help me get through the next couple rounds. Because if I was like oh blah blah I was in majority im so fucked then of course they’re gonna target me to get me out. But if I play the victim card and milk the fact that I voted in the minority acting like I hate my og tribe maybe they’ll think to use me as a pawn. To take down others moving forward. Listen if I have to be labeled a goat to move forward then BAA bitch.

.....five seconds later

Things are going good, because not only am no longer in danger this round but that means Rachael is going to the enemy tribe which if she came to our tribe that might’ve disrupted the narrative I had going of me being against og bellagio. Also DeNara should still be here, don’t think I didn’t clock the fact that Ben scored a 0. I also found out from Andrew that Rachael and Ben are apart of the same Tengaged group which explains why Rachael was so set on Ben staying but like, listen, if I end up in a game with someone I’m friends with, and they’re not active and helping the tribe. Good riddance.

What the. We lost yet again. I have lost everything since the start of the game. It's crazy. There are 4 from Bellagio, 2 Palazzo and 2 Luxor. 2+2 seems like an obvious plan, but it looks like it is falling apart already (read: Joey). Sucks to be across the world, so instead of scheming, I'll be sleeping.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. is the same as I'm sorry Daddy, I've been very naughty. 

The swap did happen. Expected it. Glad we won this first challenge in this new tribe tho in worried for Stephanie and Joey

Vault Shenanigans - Holy shit I did not expect this to be as powerful as it is. I was preparing myself for some sort of payment based search system, but being able to straight up buy the items I want, but its also the same for other people. I had a misconception at how generous the wheel was so I'm probably behind some people with the amount of chips, but I could very well start scooping up some of the steal votes and just say "see ya" to the idols, although getting a super idol would be very wild, it still seems risky to hold out that long to get it, even though there's a great amount of power associated with it. The other issue with a super idol is that I think that its very likely that if I get into a position where I need to use it, that I lose a lot of respect with the jury if it does happen. The only benefit from actually having it would be that I no longer have to worry about someone else whipping it out, so it'd be less for me wanting it, but more for others not having it. As of now, I think my optimal play is to hold on to my chips until around ~40, and then buy both vote steals at once, OR go all out for the super if someone has already bought an idol by that point, because I would be operating under the assumption that the frontrunner is already out of the running. Tribe Swap Shenanigans - This is a hell of a tribe swap. 5-2-1 is always a great spot to be in, I am already good within the 5 that I have so I don't have to worry about anything there, it should be relatively smooth sailing as far as getting to the merge. Mo/Jake are alright so far, neither particularly speak too much. Kevin has not reached out at all, probably will try to talk to him tonight for general purposes, even if he seems like he'd be an easy one to get out first should we go to tribal the next time. But generally I really don't plan on losing so it's kind of a wash. I'll take the smooth sailing, easy path to merge. Premerge is never as relevant as merge is when it comes to FTC as long as you have something to show for yourself at the merge. I've got all game to make my presence known, and I plan on using the entirety of the game to do so.

I feel super anxious today because even though I had a great conversation and built a good connection to Joey, there hasn't been any talk about the vote quite yet. I mean obviously names have rolled out but nothing solid is out there still, I think I just need to let go of the urgency for a name to start being spread early on and just let things be. Stephanie and I have been chatting a bit here and there today so I feel more comfortable with her and hopefully she sees things from a similar perspective as everyone else - the Bellagio foursome needs to get broken up right now. As long as it's not my name of course!!!!! Plz vote Ben @everyone. Or Kailyn tbh save me a little bit of trouble now. Talking to Xavier is SO HARD LMAO. He doesn't immediately contribute information into a conversation and as bad as I wanna get rid of Ben, I almost..almost think going for Xavier is the smarter move, since Xavier doesn't seem too motivated to actually get to know ME and work with me. I'm selfish that way. Kailyn doesn't seem like she wants to do Ben which is a little frustrating but I totally get it, if Ben stays he's going to go after her hardcore but like she needs to actually pitch me an alternative lmfao. I don't wanna go bending over backwards just to appease her right now so if she doesn't gimme a name.. sorry sis but then I think it's gonna be Joey's call on this one :/

I am being very cautious now. The 4 of us (me, John, Joey and Steph) are going to vote together. Now Jaiden wants to vote Nik. And Kailyn wants to vote Ben. Why can't we just agree on one?! And it always has to go down to the wire. Stick together, people!

I think I am possibly leading the charge against Nik rn?? Joey told me he wanted Ben and then I told him I wanted Nik and now he wants Nik LOL take that Stephen 

Okay well I have no idea what's going to happen tonight, but I'm going into tribal not afraid of the vote I am probably going to have to make ... I think the best move is to just vote for Nik and be done with it, but it's going to cause a serious rift in a lot of my relationships if I do so. I've been super wishy-washy to a lot of people I think and right now it doesn't make sense to continuously do one thing when I mean another.. especially since there seems to be zero ground to move upon when it comes to getting the vote to turn from Nik to Ben. Nik doesn't even SEEM ACTIVE?? Why are we making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. Ben can't just walk around deciding what's going on and I think Kailyn would prefer to keep Nik around rather than Ben but it's like... so push for Ben to be the target hun! She's feeding into someone else's move no matter what she does, it's either Ben's agenda or John's agenda. Pick a side, but pick the side I'm on, too. Why don't we just vote for Kailyn tbh. lmao

[serenagaywaterford]

19) ignored her. Damn, I could go and on about this toxic yet fascinating duo, but I'll restrain myself. g) “YAY I’M SO GLAD SERENA GOT BEAT! SERVES HER RIGHT!” There are people that actually said THAT? WOW. No really, WOW. The irony and hypocrisy in that statement! I'm glad that I didn't stumble upon them. h) "on some level I think Serena and some other wives (IIRC) are completely aware of how terrible it is" If I remember correctly Serena looked very awkward/uncomfortable during the first

20) ceremony with June (back in S1), but of course that didn't stop her from going along with it. -_- Plus, she might have been a little jealous that her husband was fucking a handmaid, even if she didn't see handmaids as ACTUAL people. In 2x10, there's a moment (near the end of that horrendous act) where Serena is looking INTENSELY at Fred and maybe that's just me, but I think that she's coming to the realization that what they're doing is SICK. Props to Strahovski for those subtle things she

21) does with her expressions. Sometimes Serena's face says more than her words. i) "I don’t let (Fred) off the hook for it" I don't either! I have to give credit where credit is due. Fiennes' acting is GOOD. Whenever Fred was being particularly awful to either June or Serena in S2, I had those self-indulgent fantasies where she/they clawed his eyes out. (And that probably sounded creepy. I swear I'm not a psycho killer, LOL. I despise violence irl.) It's just that with S2!Fred I know exactly

22) where I stand, I don't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore (well, the chess scene gave me a momentary pause in s1, but nah).Unlike Serena FUCKING no-Joy. What do people around here call them? "Problematic faves." Indeed. j)"I do believe she truly loves Nicole and babies." Oh, she definitely does. In her own twisted way of course. She proves it in the finale, after all. Another moment that made me feel kinda sorry for her was during 2x09. She smiles at that little girl who thought she

23) was a princess bc of her uniform) while she's waiting for the elevator, but the child's mother makes it VERY clear what she thinks of Serena and people like her. She actually seems like she wants to take her child 99999999 miles away from Serena as soon as possible. Can't say I blame her, lol. // END OF RANT

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Yes. Quite a lot of people I’ve seen raving that Serena got just what she deserves, both the domestic abuse and the mutilation. Cos, she’s a bad person so therefore ... I just can’t. I can’t. It’s such a terrible fucking opinion that whenever I see it I just want to go full banshee on everybody. There’s a post sitting in my drafts that lengthily deals with someone else’s post saying Serena got what she deserved. Maybe I’ll post it sometime. I just really hate engaging with other people’s posts by essaying at them lol.

So many people going, “Do I feel sorry for her getting beaten by Fred? No, she brought it on herself by being Pro-Gilead! This is what she asked for lol dumb bitch!”

I... yeah. I’ll just leave it for now cos it angers me about how little people are absorbing about the entire fucking premise of this show.

Yeah, Serena vs The Ceremony. I personally believe she’s actually quite conflicted about it overall. (I may be wrong!) I feel like most Wives would be. But she’s also very aligned to the SAVE MANKIND THRU FORCED CHILDBIRTH! idea. Like, in 1x03 when she’s talking to June about how she’s so happy June is so strong because a lot of girls can’t handle it. And she’s like, “What you do and what we do together is so terrible.” looking like she means it. And then catches herself and says some bullshit to cover it up. Clearly Serena hates watching her husband “fuck” some other woman, but I do think it goes beyond jealousy. It would be easy to simplify it to just that but I think Serena is aware to some degree that the Ceremony, if not the entire Handmaid system, is Very Bad. But she does fuck all about it and in fact, that makes it even worse (when she could, if she was a half-decent human being, be more like other Wives that try to avoid doing Ceremonies or at least treat Handmaids like people). Ugh. It’s one thing to be ignorant about it, or even be a True Believer and honestly believe it’s the Right Thing... but quite another to be cognizant of how fucking horrible it is and just participate (sometimes enthusiastically) anyway.

[Then again, there’s that one other Wife (can’t remember her name) that is even more awful than Serena when talking about Handmaids like animals. I actually sort of am fascinated with the dynamics of the Wives with each other, cos it seems so superficial and nasty.]

Yeah, 2x10 ... I had to force myself to watch it a few times to really pick up on the tiny details, especially from Yvonne. Fred is Fred is Fred. I don’t care to give him any benefit of doubt anymore either. But by the end of the ceremony that time, Serena looked rocked. She’s staring at him and then can’t look anymore and then stares down at June looking like she’s just fucking put the pieces together. And runs from the room. I think if people watch the scene a few times and pay attention, they’ll see there is definitely something dawning on Serena. (ABOUT TIME.) And I think that’s where her outburst about rape comes from the following episode. She finally recognises it and can’t be so willfully blind. (I think deep down she knew the whole time but could fool herself--until that rape when June fought back.) 

It’s the little things in Yvonne’s performance that really sold the character for me. (I’d never really been a fan of hers before S2 especially. I’d seen Dexter but meh.)

I’m with ya on the clawing Fred’s eyes out fantasies! LOL. There is at least one other person on tumblr who agrees with us. I remember seeing a similar post months ago. I would LOVE for the two of them to gang up on him.

OMG. I would be that mother 100%. I prolly wouldn’t have even stood there next to her. Drag my kid away before she gets any fancy ideas about the pretty princess lady. I loved how much it hurt Serena. I actually really enjoyed watching her completely miserable the entire time in Toronto cos she realises her life sucks. And I thought it was interesting how she doesn’t get all indignant like I expected when the mother gives her attitude. She always gets defensive and bitchy when people call her on shit but she’s SO subdued the entire fucking time. Granted, part of that is likely due to the domestic abuse a few days back and how out of place she is in Canada, and she has ZERO power... but still. And then in the end of the trip and the Canadian woman is like “How do you live with yourself” and Serena just tears up and says some bullshit blessing thing. (And thinking about how this originally followed a rape has her reaction make even more sense. Cos there's that, but even if she was considering Tuello’s offer, she’s lost her chance by hesitating.) And that bit about “It’s sad what they’ve done to you.” was way harsh and spot on? And then you see Serena very visibly affected by the protests on the way to the plane--which is an interesting contrast to the flashback we saw of her dealing with a rowdy crowd of protesters. She really has become a totally different person.

Yes, problematic fav to the 1000000th level! I don’t think I’ve ever stanned a villain (dark antihero at a push) before and I always looked at people who did like, “What is wrong with you? That person is fucking HORRIBLE!” And like, yes, she is horrible, that's the point, but she’s INTERESTING and ENGAGING, and that is very important to me it turns out, lol. I think there are so many opportunities for stories with her.