#but i'd rather pay for a physical book i will give away once read than use the ebook platform of public libraries

[elletromil]

For someone who reads so much fics on my phone/tablet

I sure dislike reading books that way

[bonesandthebees]

Hi Bee! You seem to read a lot of books, and I've been trying to get back into reading books rather than fanfiction as of late (which is going good atm). I used to read a lot of actual books when I was younger, but once I was a pre teen I'd discovered fic and had trouble reading actual books unless I had to for school lol. Anyway, my question is do you have any book recs? While for right now, it is going well, I only have two books I'm planning on reading after I finish the two I'm reading simultaneously right now. So it'd be nice to have some more for once I finish those as well. :D

Another reason for my wanting to get back into reading actual types of books is studying a more formal written literature to improve my writing, and to observe what author's do with their writing style that I'd want to incorporate in my own writing. If you have any tips for studying/observing, I'd also love some of those.

While this doesn't really have to do with the whole book thing, I just wanna say that you definitely inspired me to want to write more. Most of your titles always sound so cool and make me wanna read anything of yours solely based off them, and your plot, descriptiveness, metaphors, Greek mythology references, and so many other little things about it make it so enjoyable to read and something I'd strive to be within my own writing. A little silly, I know, considering it's MCYT fic, but your writing is genuinely so cool.

That's all I wanted to say, bye bye.

this is so kind thank you!! it seriously makes me so happy anytime someone tells me my silly fic writing inspired them to start/improve their own writing. writing is such a beautiful art but it's also a skill you have to put so much time into. you're off to an amazing start already with recognizing that you have to read published novels to improve your writing. it seriously helps so much.

I can definitely give you some recs! I'll put them under a read more, but since you asked for tips when reading novels:

try to pay attention to things you like and don't like about the author's writing style. like if you're reading a novel and there's a line of description that's particularly gorgeous or sets a scene super well, consider annotating the book with a pen or highlighter or if you don't own the book itself, copy down the line/paragraph somewhere (notebook, notes app, smth like that) to refer back to later. or if you find yourself super immersed in a conversation going on between two characters, take a step back to notice how the author writes out the conversation. is there a lot of physical description of what the characters are doing while they speak that lets you picture th escene easily? or is the dialogue rapid fire back and forth which forces you to just be sucked into it? what about it do you like?

or, on the contrary, if you find yourself struggling to enjoy a book try to notice what about the writing style is pulling you away. is there too much flowery description that makes you want to skip ahead? is there too much exposition so you feel like you're just getting an infodump instead of a narrative? take stock of what your own thoughts are as you read and then try to figure out why that is.

also, a tip I heard once is that you can always try to emulate a specific style. if you want to improve your writing and you just read a book with a writing style you really want, maybe try and write a random scene in that same style. it doesn't have to be anything original or even good, no one ever has to see it, it can just be for your own practice. just keep the book beside you and try to pick out what makes the writing style distinct, and try to emulate that. not saying you have to adopt that style, but just trying out a new style can give you some variation to help you develop/improve your own.

okay now book recs time, this'll get long so putting it below

now you didn't specify what kinds of books you like to read so I'm going to just throw in a few from a few different genres I've read. most of these are books I've recced here on my blog before but they're all a bit scattered so I'll rec them again. now, I mostly read fantasy or historical fiction because I just like those genres but I'll try to include some variety here

Genre: Fantasy (Typical Medieval)

The Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon

one of my all time favorite novels. incredibly expansive fantasy worldbuilding that draws from a variety of cultures that's not exclusive to just europe. of course there's one country that's fantasy england, but you also have countries that take inspiration from asia, africa, and the middle east. you follow several characters that vary in age, race, gender, sexuality, etc. and they're all wonderfully fleshed out and fascinating. the story itself is also just fantastic and the world really swallows you whole. there's also a prequel to this called A Day of Fallen Night that I actually think I liked a bit more than Priory, but I'd recommend reading Priory first because it's easier to get into the world through that one whereas ADOFN is a bit more dense.

Genre: Fantasy (Apocalyptic? Sci fi? Kind of?)

The Fifth Season by NK Jemisin

similar to priory, the fifth season is a masterclass in worldbuilding and creating interesting worlds. that's where the similarities end though. technically speaking The Fifth Season is a fantasy and not a sci fi, although it feels more like sci fi to me tonally. The Fifth Season explores a world that is so regularly tormented by apocalyptic natural disasters that everything is formed around survival and it makes for such an interesting culture. the story also does an incredibly interesting and unique thing with POV that I rarely see in novels so that's also super fascinating to dig into for writing study. currently reading the sequel to this one and I love it so far.

Genre: Historical Fiction

Hild by Nicola Griffith

alright if you really wanna stretch some writing/reading muscles this is definitely a book you can try out. but be warned, it is dense. I'm a fairly fast reader and it took me so much longer to read this than I was expecting just because of how dense the writing is. this story takes place in 7th century Anglo-Saxon Britain so there's a lot of Old English words thrown in, and while there's a glossary at the back it doesn't cover everything. this is a really interesting novel though that dives deep into the time period and the specific life of one girl as she grows up at the heart of the political machinations of the Anglo-Saxon kings. really great if you're like me and think learning a lot about what life was like in this time period is super fun, but I could see it being a drag for people not super into history like that. I still think it's a really good story though on its own, especially with how the main character is characterized as she grows up, and how it represents all the politics going on at this time

Genre: Satire/Dystopian Fiction

Chain Gang All-Stars by Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah

I'm including this because I'm trying to give you a bit of genre variety. If you want to read an adult dystopian book for our modern day this is definitely an excellent one to pick up. warning, it's incredibly effective as a dystopian novel because all I felt was dread and fear after finishing it. it takes place in the near future where the prison industrial complex has been combined with the entertainment industry. prisoners who are serving a sentence of either 25+ years or life are given the option to compete in televised gladiator style death matches. if they survive 3 years, they'll be released. the novel is incredibly on the nose and not subtle whatsoever about it's criticisms of capitalism and racism, especially the racism that the prison industrial complex is built on. the horrifying thing about reading it is how easily I could see this becoming a reality, especially the brand sponsorships. it made me want to laugh and cry at the same time because of how ridiculous but realistic it was.

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

And here we have my all time favorite novel. this novel is a great example of unreliable narrator and how to tell a story two different ways. if you don't know the twist for this already, go into it blind, I promise it'll be more fun that way. the premise of the story seems simple—the morning of their 5th anniversary, a man's wife goes missing and the story follows his attempts to find her. but it gets way messier than that. this novel is an excellent example of how to characterize horrible people and still make them enjoyable to read about. also, if you're like me and enjoy media about two shitty people having an unhealthy and fucked up relationship, you'll adore this.

Okay that's a lot so I'll stop there for now, but feel free to pop into my inbox if you want anymore recs! especially if there's a specific genre you're looking for. if I've read anything that fits what you're looking for I'd be happy to throw it your way!

[ladywinterwitch]

Run Away (Ten - Strangers)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Avenger! Reader

Summary: You and Steve complete each other. Your love is that strong and devoted kind of love that pushes people to things like marriage, making a family. You couldn't imagine that a baby would be something you really wished, until the possibility wasn't your choice anymore.

Warnings: pregnancy talk, fluff, A N G S T, I think that's it??

Words Count: 3739

A/n: Next chapter is longer and INTENSE

Series masterlist , main masterlist

(GIF not mine)

Y/n and Steve ended up falling asleep, which was a bit embarassing especially on his part. In the end tho they woke up around two in the afternoon and were starving. You also thought about the fact that Helen must've already set in by now. After cleaning up a bit and getting redressed the two actually went to separate directions, Steve to the gym because he had a bunch of new recruits to train by three sharp, while Y/n was heading to the kitchen.

-FRIDAY, would you call up ms Simon for me?- she found Tony, Vision and Thor in the common room so she quickly greeted them.

-Hey guys, taking a break?- she smiled when Thor got up to greet her properly. He was such a physical and affectionate person. He reminded her of a golden retriever; huge, with long hair and a heart of gold. Your smile widened when he bent down to press his ear to her belly.

-Well yes darling, do you forget that aside from kicking some ass every now and then we're basically jobless?- Tony joked. Both he and Vision were looking at you two.

-How is your pregnancy going, Y/n?- Vision asked in his posh and polite manner. She tilted her head to the side. Thor still touching the smooth and round surface. She didn't mind at all.

-It's going smoothly, thank you. Tho if I have to be honest I can't wait to at least give birth. I love my belly but it's so complicated to live with. I also miss actually moving around and exiting the tower. I don't think I've ever been so still and babyed in my life.-

-If it was an easy job, God wouldn't have gave it to women.- they all turn around when you hear an unfamiliar voice, which they soon found out to be Helen's. Thor stands straight in all his tallness and gets in front of her protectively.

-Who are you?- he asks suspiciously. She put a hand on his arm to calm him down.

-It's okay, Thor. This is Helen Simon, she's my new midwife. The one me and Steve hired this morning.- her head turns quickly to Tony then back to Helen. Tony stands up, fixing the invisible fold in his tracksuit pants and smugly walks to the older woman.

-Stark. Tony Stark. I actually hired you, but I'll let the happy couple have the glory.- he joked and you shook your head amused. They shook hands and then Vision introduced himself as well. Thor just acknowleged her with a nod. It's not like the God of Thunder had to introduce himself.

-Okay guys, see you later. I'm starving so.- you decided to cut it, but obviously Tony had to sneak in a joke. Had to.

-I'm sure cap worn you out.- Thor, which didn't know what timing was, bless his heart, decided to burst out laughing. You rolled your eyes not looking back.

-Jealousy doesn't match with your shoes Anthony.- you clapped back, still hearing Thor laugh and Tony calling him out.

A few feet down the corridor there was the kitchen, and when Y/n finally tought that her and Helen could have a minute alone, they found Wanda intently reading a book while she mover her finger around to spin the teaspoon in a mug. She looked up when they entered the room. Her finger stopped working and so did the spoon, the faint magenta colored aura disappearing.

-Hello?- she said, tentatively. Y/n ignored her cold stare and walked to the fridge taking out the leftover chicken and some salad to mix.

-She's Helen, the midwife me and Steve talked about.- there was a subtle warning in Y/n's voice. She thought 'Be nice' in her mind, and when Wanda sighed she knew she read her mind.

-Nice to meet you. If you'll excuse m- - Wanda was about to get up from the stool but the old woman's voice stopped her.

-You aren't eating that chicken cold are you? How old is it?- she walked closer, grabbing the plastic box from her hands. Both her and Wanda were a little taken aback by her bluntness, and shared a look.

-Uh..Yeah? I was actually going to put it in the salad. And it's..I'm not sure, a couple of days old? Still perfectly fresh and untouched.- she answered trying to reassure her, but she wasn't having it at all.

-This isn't eating healthy. If you want a healthy baby you need to eat properly. I'll take care of your meals from now on. - she stated, putting the box aside. - The non pregnant teammates can risk getting sick with that chicken. - Wanda's gaze darkened and her eyes took a light shade of red.

-What's that supposed to mean, old lady? - Y/n saw her fingers starting to move around with the corner of her eye and put her own hand on hers.

-Helen didn't mean anything, Wanda. She just meant that I have to be extra careful in comparison to the rest of you, ok? Don't you have to be somewhere right now?- she asked in the most calm way. The last hting she needed was Wanda yeeting Helen out of the tower on the first day. Wanda closed and picked up her book and mug, walking towards the exit of the kitchen.

-I mean, I'd like to go to the terrace to chill, but I can't.- Y/n frowned while sitting on a stool. Meanwhile Helen had already started to inspect their whole frige.

-I can feel Bucky and his girl going at it so yeah, I did not plan to watch a live performance.- she choked on water and the old lady turned around with a rather disgusted face. Wanda just shrugged and left them. The girl turned towards the older woman with an awkward smile.

-Welcome I guess.- the short fake laugh was over as soon as Helen sat in front of her, her hands conjoined in front of her.

-This isn't good.- the girl shifted uncomfortably, then uncosciously starting to rub her belly as a sign of comfort.

-What isn't?- the lady sighed. -First off, there are way too many people here. This place is chaotic, the people aren't giving you the peace that you need. This isn't a baby-space. At all. I just looked into your frigde and there isn't a single thing ready or 100% healthy probably except vegetables. Y/n if you want to be a good mother and be healthy for your baby you need to change a few things.- her words at first irritated her, setting off her protectiveness towards the people she called family, but then as she went on, she made her feel little. Like a little girl who wasn't good enough. She sighed silently.

-What would you have me do then?- she asked. Helen shrugged, still mantaining her perfect posture.

-I'm not gonna suggest you to buy a new place, because where you'll live after the baby is born is your business, but..- she paused, -I can offer you to come live at my place for these last two months or so. I have a nice, peaceful place a little outside New York. I already had eight of my patients do this, it's not so absurd.- she explained like it was the most normal thing in the world. Y/n was listening, but she wasn't convinced. She decided that she had to think about it first. She had to know for sure that she was professional and competent.

-I don't know, Helen. I'll admit that it isn't the most tranquil place to live, but...these people are my family. They have always been by my side, pregnant or not. And what about Steve? The father of my firstborn?- she marked the last phrase, tilting her head to the side. A little habit she probably took from Wanda.

-Because they care about you. But in truth, tell me, aren't you feeling like a burden? Like you get into their business?- she mirrored the young woman's expression. Y/n didn't answer at first.

-You're really not going soft on this are you?- Helen released a dry laugh. Shook her head and paused before talking.

-Yes. I began working as a nurse unofficially when I was 13 years old, during the Prague Spring reforms in '68. The hospital was in short of nurses so.- she explained, -That time wasn't easy. Not that the one before it and after it wasn't, that is. You either grow a thick skin or you don't survive.- Y/n felt for her, as she had a very similar destiny. First she doesn't know how she ended up in an orphanage, and then when she was fifteen and nobody took her, they kicked her out. She was homeless for a year until SHIELD recruited her, and the rest is history.

The older woman got up and took some vegetables, washed them and then placed them down to slice them. Y/n got up as well and started helping. She eyed the fresh eggs, so she guessed that Helen wanted to make a quick frittata.

-How did you end up in America? As midwife, nonetheless.- she asked.

-Why most foreign people come to America? Certainly not the food.- The woman responded with a slight hint of irony. The girl chuckled.

-Touché.-

-In any case, I've been here more than half of my live, moved many states mainly for my own choice. Being a private midwife pays decently.- she paused to dump the sliced vegetables into a pan with a little oil and salt.

-I became one because I was fascinated by the whole process that the woman's body goes through both before, during and after birth. I assisted two of my older sisters, and in the end ended up doing it as a job.- Y/n nodded, listening.

-That's actually amazing. But if I can ask, you do not have kids yourself?-

-No. Didn't have the possibility at first. Then decided that just it was my profession but not my future. No regrets.- she answered even tho the girl could sense that something was off. She decided not to intrude.

Silence fell between them while they were cooking, and the younger woman took the popularity to think about what she said. The woman was practical, a bit harsh maybe. But she also had a lot of experience. She didn't like the thought of leaving her family, but she had to admit that she often felt like a burden lately. More than once someone stayed behind to look after her, and even tho they didn't seem to mind at all, she did. She wasn't used to being so pampered and looked after, and sometimes she almost felt suffocated. Guess that spending many years of your life having to take care of yourself takes a toll on you.

She didn't want to decide anything without talking it out with Steve first. And it wouldn't be permanent, just for the last couple months or so, until she had the baby. If she really thought about it maybe she needed some time to reconnect with herself, to learn how to take care of her baby in the best way possible. Even the stupidest thing like cold chicken could potentially make her sick, and it was such a small thing. But that doesn't change the fact that she didn't knew. She wasn't one of those moms who surrounded herself with books teaching her every do's and don'ts, but at this point insecurity was kicking in. The last thing she would ever want was to be a bad mother even before actually becoming one.

-

Between a baby shop and another, and a whole new diet including an embarrassing amount of tea, Y/n finished her eight month of pregnancy. She was feeling as tired and as big as ever. Helen actually helped a lot both with the cooking, the health tips and with the shopping. She actually sobbed when they bought the crib. Both because she was emotional, a bit because hormones and also because Steve was again away on a mission. The whole team was actually. They had new leads in the Hungarian case and another completely different mission in South Korea, a tough one. So it required the whole team split up. That was the fist time Y/n was left alone since she knew she were pregnant. It all went smoothly, the tower actually felt quiet for once.

Y/n and Helen had found a nice dynamic, and most of the time spent time in a comfortable silence, each doing their thing. A downside that she wasn't realizing was the distance that was slowly creeping from her to the team. They didn't really like the midwife that much, Wanda, Thor and Bucky especially didn't like her at all. But Y/n felt for her, she felt like she knew her better than them so she often took her side, which hurt them back.

Steve on the other hand wasn't realizing it almost at all. All he cared about was his wife being healthy and that she got along with the midwife. They didn't sleep together often anymore, due to the fact that he was often away and she was constantly tired. Bruce did warn her at the beggining that this 'enhanced' baby would've probably tired her out, and it did at first but then she was feeling very well. She and Helen both blamed it on the tiredness of the pregnancy as a whole.

The last straw was when some of the guys, specifically Sam, Thor and Peter, whom didn't live at the tower and was rarely involved in missions because of Tony, went to see them and in some way, nobody actually know how, they made a whole ass hole in the floor above the library. Fate wanted that Y/n and Helen were reading just a few feet away. If they were just a bit closer to the door, they would've been hit by the pavement pieces.

Helen gasped and jumped out of her seat, book still in her hand by the corner. The younger woman on the other hand was more mad than anything.

She rose from the armchair, struggling a bit and marched towards the now destroyed door. The damage wasn't so bad, but it was still damage and it could've been way worse. She was fuming.

-Y/n! Shit are you okay? - Sam yelled from above. The three guys looking down from the hole they created.

-I'm so sorry it wasn't me! It was Thor! - Peter joined in and caused the God to respond, and from that a whole lot of mess arose.

The people who weren't on a mission, which were Wanda, Bucky and Tony, came running.

Y/n didn't know where to look and all of a sudden started felling a bit suffocated. She brought a hand to her forehead, distubed by the chaos arouns her.

-Stop! Fucking stop it! - she yelled, groaning from frustration. Everyone stopped talking while the girl started to feel her eyes prickle with tears of frustration.

-Why is never, ever a single day if peace in here? There's always someone around, making a mess, making noise, complaining- - she almost stumbled on a piece of ceiling that had fallen, but Bucky and Tony were right behind her and helped her stabilize herself, but she shoved them off.

-Leave me be!- she exclaimed frustrated. She huffed, trying to take a deep breath. -I'm moving out.- a chorus of 'What' arose. Bucky stepped forward and grabbed her wrist gently.

-What are you talking about?- his eyes showed confusion and panic.

-And when would have you decided this stupid thing?- Tony crossed his arms and went straight up 'Tony Stark' on her. Y/n rolled her eyes, ignoring both questions and walked out of the now damaged library. Helen followed suit.

-At least wait for Steve to return!- Wanda said. Thor jumped down, through the new hole in the ceiling and followed her like the others.

-Y/n, we're sorry! Look, I'm gonna fix the ceiling myself okay? Please don't go- Y/n's ached to see them upset, but she was tired. Too tired. She was afraid that if she had stayed more than she could withstand, their relationships could've been ruined. That was the last thing she wanted. She didn't knew exactly what was that overwhelmed her so much. She felt constantly tired and in pain, all the noise, number of people..it had become just too much. She needed to finish this pregnancy alone, or at least in a more quiet place.

She stopped in her tracks and exhaled silently. Her eyes passed through everyone in the room. Even in that moment, they were decimated because of the mission, yet there were still eight people in the room. When normally it would've been around 15. That's too many people.

-It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault, specifically. I just.. I feel overwhelmed. There's too much going on here at the tower. And for me it's like seeing life go on without being able to do anything. I need some space, okay? It won't be forever. Hell, if everything goes well it's gonna be a month, at best. But I really, really need a break. I am going to pack and leave by afternoon, when Steve returns, just send him to the address that I'll leave for him. Okay? I love you guys, you're my family and I wouldn't be where I am today without you. Its just temporary.- she smiled softly, trying not to get emotional. Wanda was visibly upset, on the verge of crying. The others just looked sad, maybe disappointed. But nobody said anything, so she turned her heels and went straight to her room.

-

By five pm she and Helen were already gone. The older woman called them a cab, the driver took care of their stuff and then they were gone. Y/n was silent during most of the trip, both because of the extreme tiredness and sadness. She never changed home since she moved to the tower. She also thought about what she would tell Steve. She knew she couldn't contact him, so she didn't. They had left two days prior, so it was a bit early to know when he'll be coming home. But she knew a hundred percent that he would've gotten to her even before going home.

The two women were headed to the older one's house, which was in Avalon, New Jersey. Helen had told her about her beach house, quite far from the city. Y/n did actually fall asleep after the first hour or so, they had around three in total so she didn't worry about not waking up. By her surprise though, she did sleep throughout the whole trip, and yet, she was still tired. In those days her head gave her particular discomfort, so any noise at all really disturbed her.

Helen woke her up gently when they arrived, the she helped her get out of the car. Meanwhile the driver, which was a quite young man, probably around her age, which was 27, with curly black hair, stubble and dark green eyes, took their luggage off of the trunk.

-That's all. Have a nice stay.- he smiled slightly. Y/n frowned, what about the money?

-How much do we owe you?- she asked sweetly. He waved his hand dismissively, going back in the driver's seat.

-The lady already paid me, I'm ok. Bye.- he waved goodbye and drove off. Y/n and Helen dragged the luggage insider her villa, by which the girl definitely was taken aback.

-You didn't tell me that you live in a Villa?-

-Maybe, but I did tell you that being a private midwife pays well. I also need space if I want to take people living with me.- she explained. The first thing that you could see was the huge open space which showed a not exaggeratedly large living room with a window door on the right, on the left there was the kitchen and in the middle a staircase.

It wasn't very decorated, but the light palette of the whole place defines had a calming effect. Y/n was so used to the high rise and high technology of the Avengers tower that she had almost forgot how nice and intimate a normal house could be.

Helen showed y/n around a little, then ended up in the spare room, which had a large bed, a balcony and some essential forniture pieces such as a wardrobe, a vanity, a full length mirror, an armchair.

-This is really nice, Helen.- she smiled tiredly, caressing her big belly while she walked around. But as she was walking towards the balcony, she had a slight attack of vertigo, and her knees buckle for a second. The woman was at her side in a few seconds, helping her onto the bed. Y/n huffed, the back of her hand on her eyes.

-Why am I so shitty? I was pretty good until a few months ago.- she whined, and Helen shook her head while she stroked her arm.

-Every pregnancy is different, Y/n. You're just tired, from the car and that chaotic place.- the disdain in her voice didn't really pleased Y/n, but she didn't say anything. She didn't have the strength and besides, it's not like she was particularly liked at the tower anyway.

-I'll get you a tea, be right back.- Y/n chuckled.

-I drank more of your Hungarian tea than water in the last months.- Helen pulled a tight smile.

-Well, it is a traditional recipe for pregnant women. Not that you seem to mind it either.- the girl relaxed her eyes and discarded her sneakers to the ground.

-No, it has a peculiar taste but not bad.-

-Good.- and with that she left the girl alone. Helen went down the stairs, and turned on the stove to warm some water. She then opened a drawer, forcing the wood layer to come up by using her fingernails, pulling out an old fashioned phone.

She went to the contacts and dialed the only one there was. She waited a few minutes, when someone picked up.

-Igen?-

-Közeledünk. Készülj fel.- she said, hanging up.

************

Translation from Hungarian: ‘Yes?’ ‘We’re close. Get ready.’

Hiii, this is quite a short chapter but I wanted to end it with ✨ suspense ✨ the next one tho is gonna be way longer. Lastly, friendly reminder that my taglist and my ask inbox are open!

***********

Taglist : @polarcrystall @a--1--1--3  @jessyballet​

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[the-six-realms]

Dude. Your story is the first original piece of fiction I've enjoyed on AO3. I am now caught up and looking forward to every new update! Say, is there any way to support you financially? I'd hate to just take and not give anything in return.

Hey, thank you so much for reaching out. Today has been a bad day due to circumstances outside my control and reading your ask was a really nice little pick-me-up.

I'm so glad you're enjoying this story. It's been a real learning experience for me to inch away from fanfiction into original but still heavily derivative work.

Answering your ask is a good opportunity to be transparent about the status of the work. I'm not currently able to accept any financial compensation for or for reasons adjacent to any works currently posted on AO3. This protects both AO3 and the works. I don't have the mental faculties at the moment to look up and recite the precise legalities of it and MAYBE I'm being overly cautious but better safe than sorry, imo.

In lay, it's a derivative work with heavy inspiration from tabletop RPG games and may need tweaks to avoid legal action from Wizards Of The Coast and Hasbro.

Generating revenue with the work puts me at risk of receiving cease and desist orders.

Given EVERYTHING I've just said, I still plan on exploring publication options one day, after completion of a second or third draft and revisions for legal reasons.

That brings me to another important point. The work as it currently appears in AO3 is actually a rough 1.5 draft. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the need to pay for an incomplete product.

What you've read on AO3 is BASICALLY the raw product after editing and writing out scenes/chapters I summarized months or even over a year ago. It's like crude oil, it's got value, but you can't put it into your gas tank just yet.

The overall story won't be all that different in the second or third draft. Some scenes might be longer or cut or put somewhere else and technical errors will be cleaned up.

If ALL publication options/ventures fall through, I'll have physical copies privately printed (or get back into the book binding hobby) and I'll only ask that anyone who wants a copy covers the cost of materials + shipping for their copy. *shrug*

In the end, this story is a labor of love and a learning experience, and that's all I'm asking of it. Sharing it with others who enjoy it is compensation enough.

If you still want to show your support financially, I take art commissions for landscape paintings in watercolor and I also design logos, tattoos (including stencil), and I dabble in character portraits too.

Once again, for legal reasons, I ask that any inquiry for commissions be sent to my art blog @i-made-that-thing-there via DM rather than here as this blog is tied up with my account on AO3.

Thank you SO much again, I love hearing from readers so much. Thank you. <3

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[allitbb]

In the name of love

Ok. So. Been writing Pitch Perfect fanfic lately, cuz why not right? This is my latest little bit. If you'd like to read the rest, please visit my AO3. Link at the bottom.

Beca watched as Chicago dipped and kissed Chloe. She cringed by instinct. She honestly couldn't help it. But she schooled her face within seconds.

Theo began talking and Beca was extremely grateful for that. She needed the distraction. Just for a bit. It always takes her a bit to cool off. She's been through this many times with Chloe. Here we go again. Maybe this time it will stick. Maybe this time Chloe will finally be happy.

Later that night Beca happened to be in the hotel lobby. Well not happened to be. She was purposely in the lobby. She was waiting for Captain America to leave Chloe for the night. She finally caught sight of him exiting the elevator with a goofy grin on his face. Beca sighed. Suck it up, Mitchell. This is your choice.

"Hey, Chicago!" Beca yelled and waited for him to spot her. Once he did, he furrowed his brow in confusion.

"Beca? What are you doing down here? Chloe was looking for you." He said as he walked to her.

Beca chuckled. "Yeah, I just figured I'd give you guys some privacy. Take a seat. These hotel lobbies don't have comfy couches for nothing."

Chicago sat and gave Beca a sly look. "Is this the best friend talk? Should I be shaking?"

Beca chuckled. "Something like that. But am I going to threaten physical violence? No. But I do want to talk."

"Ok. Let's talk." Chicago smiled.

She sure does pick the lookers. Beca sighed and shook our her shoulders. Once she was hyped enough she dove right in. "So. I know you guys haven't known each other long. But. Are you planning on turning this into something? Or is this just a tour thing?"

"Well. I mean, I hope it can turn into something? She's super sweet. Definitely the girl next door type. I hope we can work something out."

Beca nodded. "Well I'm glad you're honest. Most guys just say shit like 'absolutely!' Without giving it any real thought. So. The Army? Is that like a lifelong commitment thing for you?"

"Uh. Actually. I joined the guard to pay for college. I have another year left before I can call it quits. I don't plan on reupping. My plan is to return to the states and finish out the year with my unit and then find a place to settle down and call home."

Beca nodded. This might actually work. "So what do you plan on doing after your contract is up?"

Chicago fidgeted. "Well. I went to college for computer engineering. So I hope I can put that degree to good use."

Beca smiled. He'll be home. That's good. "Cool. So here's the deal. You seem nice. And genuine. I like that. Obviously Chloe is attracted to you so that's a plus. I'm going to give you a few pointers. To help you get things rolling. If in a year, and you still are with her and have held up to your word, you can ask me for more. I won't give you more until I know you're serious. Got it?"

Chicago nodded vigorously.

"Good." Beca sighed. "Ok. Take notes."

"Do you mind if I record this? I'm terrible at notes. I recorded all the lectures in college. So much easier."

Beca chuckled. Well at least he's taking this seriously. "Sure. Go right ahead." Beca waited for him to pull out his phone and start the voice recorder. She cleared her throat once he was ready. "Ok. So. First things first. Do not, and I repeat, do NOT take her on a date to dinner and a movie. That is so lame. If anything, at least go to the movie first and then dinner, so you have something to talk about. Always wear your seat belt. I know it seems insignificant, but her cousin was thrown out of her car when they were teenagers. Luckily she lived, but it kinda scarred Chloe. If you're going to buy her flowers, buy stargazers. They're her favorite. And don't buy them when y'all argue. It makes her feel like you're trying to placate her with pretty things. And the last thing I'm going to tell you for now, text her. Each morning and each night. It doesn't have to be a book each time. A simple good morning and goodnight will suffice. She just wants to know she's being thought of. That she's important."

Beca stood as if to leave but Chicago grabbed her wrist gently to stop her. Beca looked down at him to see his brow furrowed again. She raised hers as if to ask what?

"Not that I'm not grateful, but why are you telling me this? And where are the threats?"

Beca chuckled. "I'm telling you this because I want her to be happy. I'm not gonna sit around and watch you fumble through it until you can figure it out on your own. She deserves to be happy from the start. Not five years down the road when you finally remember how she likes her coffee. And the threats will come in a year if you're still together. No point in threatening you now when you aren't really invested yet now is there?"

Chicago chuckled. "Well. This is the weirdest best friend speech I've ever received. But. She was right about you. You are pretty great. Thanks, Beca."

Beca nodded and walked away.

XXXX

A year later.

Beca was sitting on Stacie's couch with Bella on her lap. All of the Bellas were coming over to celebrate her first birthday. It will be the first time they've all been together since the tour. It will also be the first time Beca has had the chance to slow down. Her career was new, so therefore fragile. She had to work her ass off to make sure she was taken seriously at the label. Yes she was an artist, but she was also a producer and still had to prove herself in that aspect. They refused to let her have total control over her own album. She was too new to the scene. She didn't mind. She knew she was going to have to prove herself. But it did take up a lot of her time.

She arrived at Stacie's two days ago, and slept through most of it. She was exhausted when she arrived. But now that she's gotten plenty of rest, she's able to enjoy being around Bella and Stacie while they wait for the others to arrive.

"So what's the deal, DJ? You showed up looking like a zombie. Don't get me wrong, a hot zombie, but a zombie nonetheless."

Beca laughed as Bella slobbered on her hand. Apparently babies like to chew on other's hands, not just their own. "It's been crazy, Stace. These last two days have been the most sleep I've gotten in a while. Most nights I don't even make it home. I end up just passing out in my chair."

"That can't be healthy, Beca. I mean I get it. You want to make it. But there has to be a limit."

Beca chuckled. "Yeah. There is a limit. But I haven't reached it yet. This is my dream. Like. My mega dream. The one most people never even get even a tiny glimpse of. I could slow down, but that won't get me where I want to be. I want to make music that connects with people. I want to have a song that saves someone's life one day. I want to release the track that stops the little girl from jumping. I want to be blared in the boy's headphones who's laying in bed at night wondering what he did wrong. I'm not going to get there by working right hour days." Beca looked back at the baby on her lap and cooed.

Stacie blinked. She was in a daze. "That is probably the most noble reason for ever wanting to be famous."

Beca chuckled. "I don't want to be famous, Stace, just make important music. I want the music to be famous, I guess."

Stacie hummed. "Well. Just take care of yourself. I barely see you and we live five miles away from each other."

Beca sighed. "I know. That's why I text you guys all the time. I don't want to miss out on everything. I'd rather be updated by phone than not at all, you know?"

Stacie smiled. "Yeah, I know." And she really did. No one asked about their lives as much as Beca. The group chat stayed alive because of Beca. That surprised Stacie for the longest time, but now she understood. "You're kinda a softie, you know that, Mitchell?"

"Shhhhh!" Beca was wide eyed and staring at Stacie.

That startled Stacie. "What?" She said, wide eyed as well. Looking around d for an intruder or something. "What happened?"

"Someone could hear you! You'll ruin my rep!" Beca stage whispered as seriously as she could.

Stacie rolled her eyes and hit Beca with a pillow making sure not to hit Bella. "God. You scared me you idiot."

Beca chuckled. "Beca's fine. I haven't went by God for a long time."

Stacie shoved her again. "What am I gonna do with you? You're insufferable."

"Well you know what they say." Beca wiggled her eyebrows.

Stacie furrowed hers. "No." She shook her head. "What?"

"Insufferable in the streets, killer in the sheets!" Beca cackled at her own joke so hard that Bella started laughing too, even though she obviously had no idea what she said.

Stacie threw her head back into the cushion of the couch and put her hand over her eyes. "Oh, my God." Stacie sighed, exasperated. "My friends are morons." The smile she was sporting was proof of nothing. "She looked back at Beca. "Give me my child. You're going to corrupt her."

Beca snorted. "Oh please. Have you met you?"

"Touche!" Stacie said. There was then a knock on her door so she looked at Beca and took a deep breath. "Well. Here we go. You ready, DJ?"

Beca smiled. "You know it."

Xxxx

The party was in full swing. Stacie had also invited some of her mom friends from the gym. Not that it really mattered. One year olds don't really play with each other. This was really just more of a chance to be around friends and get free clothes. She's a single mom. Come on.

Stacie was walking around and mingling. It had been so long since she had any real adult time. Beca had Bella almost the whole time so she really didn't have to keep much of an eye out.

Stacie was about to go to the bathroom when she heard talking coming from the room Beca had stayed in the last two nights. The door was cracked so she peaked in and saw Beca sitting on the bed with Bella as Chloe's boyfriend, Chicago, sat in the chair in the room. She got super confused and almost burst in thinking something was wrong, but decided she'd listen for a minute.

Xxxx

Beca had been asked by Chicago if they could talk. She had Bella and didn't want to turn any heads so instead of finding Stacie she just took her with her and Chicago to the spare bedroom.

"What's up?" Beca said as she bounced Bella on the bed.

"Well." Chicago cleared his throat. "I was wondering if I could take you up on your offer?"

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Uh. I mean. I've been out for a month now. And as you know, Chloe and I have been together since the tour. I know you said you'd give me a year. And I want you to know that I am serious about her. But we just recently got to start spending a lot of time together since I was able to move to New York. She. Uh. She's pretty special. And I want to make her happy. And I'm man enough to know when to ask for help. I think she loves me. She hasn't said it though. But I feel like she's holding back. And I don't really know what I'm doing wrong."

Beca smiled sadly. Suck it up, Mitchell. IIt's your choice. "You're not doing anything wrong, dude. She's a complex creature." Beca chuckled.

"Has. Uh. Has she talked about me to you? You know, like, do you know how she feels? You're her best friend and I know y'all talk all the time."

"Oh, no. Nuh uh." Beca shook her head vigorously. "I'll help you, just like I said I would, but I won't disclose what she says to me. She trusts me and I trust her. I won't break that. Not for anyone."

"Shit. Yeah. Sorry. You're right. I'm just. I guess I'm just worried. IIt's like she holding out for someone better? Or more? I don't know."

Beca sighed. "Look, dude, y'all have only been together for a year. And most of that time y'all didn't even live in the same state. Give her time."

Chicago smiled. "Yeah. Yeah you're right. She's just so great."

Beca chuckled. "Of course she is. She's Chloe Beale. She's amazing." Beca cursed herself as she saw the confusion cross Chicago's face but he cleared it quickly.

"Anyway." He said and pulled out his phone to record this.

"Yeah. Anyways. So like I said a year ago, if you stick around, I'll help you. You held up your end, so I'll hold up mine. Chloe needs you to be present. Not just there next to her, but even when you're talking on the phone. If you're not going to listen to what she's saying, there's no point in being on the phone with her. Make time for her. Even if you see each other every day, make sure you set a day, at least every two weeks, that's just for her. No social media. The least amount of calls as possible. It doesn't matter if you take her to the zoo or just spend the day cuddling. Though to be honest, she'd probably like staying in bed and cuddling and watching Netflix more. Do you know how she takes her coffee?"

Chicago shook his head no.

Beca sighed. Calm down. You figured he wouldn't. That's why you asked. Don't be a dick. "She takes her coffee half with enough creamer to make it almost look like milk. She likes the powdered creamer. French vanilla. No sugar needed since the creamer has it in it. If she ever asks if she looks fat in something, don't try and be cute. That's literally the only time you're allowed to tell her she's being ridiculous. If she's had a bad day at work, don't try and fix it. You can't make it better she just wants you to listen. And then after she's done venting, put on some music and sit and cuddle for a bit. At least once a week, surprise her by pulling her into a slow dance with you. Even if there's no music. Trust me. She's singing something in her head anyways. Make sure it's not the same day of the week every week. You don't want her to be expecting it. Make sure there is always a spray can of whip cream in the fridge. She says she doesn't like it, but when she's stressed you'll hear her in the middle of the night eating it on the couch. I think she likes the fact that it makes noise. And never, EVER, try to have sex with her while you're drunk. I'm sure she'll tell you some day, but until then, don't ask."

"Is. Um." Chicago cleared his throat. "Is that it?"

Beca put on her hardest glare. She saw Chicago gulp and smirked inside. "No. I promised you one more thing."

"And what's that?"

"The threats. I need you to listen and listen well, Walp. I may be small so I know I can't kick your ass, so I won't threaten that. But if you're an asshole to her. If you're mentally or physically abusive I will have you killed."

Chicago chuckled but sobered right up when Beca kept glaring.

"I've never been more serious about anything in my life, Chicago. I don't mean you can't fight. Everyone fights. She will cry and be upset, but do not try and beat her down physically or emotionally. I do not care if I get caught. I do not care if I go to prison. I will hire someone who would be more than willing to cut your fucking dick off and shove it down your throat. And considering the route my career is taking, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to afford it. Chloe Beale deserves happiness. I do not doubt that you can provide that for her, but if you start to feel like she isn't worth it or some bullshit like that, then you need to leave civilly. Do not be the ass hole that tears her down before you leave, because if you try and break her, I will not rest until you are dead."

"Um." Chicago stopped the recording. "Yeah. Uh. I don't think I've ever had a best friend speech like that. I can, uh, honestly say I believe you."

Beca nodded and returned to cordial face she keeps around Chicago. "Good. Then that is that. Now. In another year, if you're still around, if you want to marry her, feel free to give me a call or something. I'd be happy to help you pull it off. Good luck, dude."

Xxxx

Stacie stepped away from the door so that Chicago could leave. As soon as he was gone she stepped into the room. Beca had tears in her eyes as she talked to Bella. "She deserves the best, huh Bella?"

"So why aren't you giving it to her?" Stacie said as she leaned against the wall.

"Jesus, Stacie!" Beca jumped. Bella giggled. "How long have you been here?"

"Here as in right here? Or here as in able to hear the conversation you just had?" Beca gave her the look. "Fine. I heard the whole thing. You ever gonna tell her you're in love with her?"

Beca sighed. "I'm not talking about this, Stacie."

"The hell you're not." Stacie turned back to the door and hollered into the hall. "Chloe!"

"Stacie, no! I'm so fucking serious right now!" Beca whisper yelled.

Chloe came bouncing into the room. "Hey! What's up guys?"

"Absolutely nothing!" Beca pushed out, glaring at Stacie.

"Nothing, Chlo. Could you just take Bella for a bit? I need to talk to Beca." Stacie said as she took Bella from the fuming girl.

"Sure! Come here you little cutie!" Chloe cooed as she took the baby. "Oh. B T Dubs. Most everyone has left already. Just some of the girls still here." She turned and left the room.

Stacie closed the door and turned back to the glaring woman child on the bed. "So. Spill."

Beca, glaring still, started to get red in the face. She was really trying not to blow up on her, but this really wasn't any of her businesses. "Stacie. I'm asking you, as my friend, please drop this. There is nothing to discuss."

Stacie sighed. She didn't want to push too hard, but she knew there was something. She could feel it coming off the shorter girl in spades. But Beca has always been a little closed off. She knew Beca was into Chloe. Pretty much everyone had a bet going on as to when Beca would finally blow up and confess, but it's been years and she's yet to say anything. She's been the dutiful best friend for Chloe. Supported her relationships. Smiled when Chloe was happy with someone else. Stacie just didn't know why. Why would someone put themselves through that? Especially since everyone can see that Chloe likes Beca too. "Beca. You know she wants you too. What are you scared of?"

Beca huffed and shot up from the bed. "I'm not an idiot, Stacie. Of course I know. I'd have to be blind not to see it. I'm not scared that she'd reject me." Beca went to walk passed Stacie to get to the door, but Stacie grabbed her wrist. "Stacie. I have my reasons. And just because you don't know them, doesn't mean they're not valid. Drop it." She ripped her wrist away and walked out of the room.

As Stacie walked back into the living room, she saw Beca snuggled up into Chloe's side as Chloe held Bella and tried to make her play patty cake. The shine in Beca's eye as she watched Chloe sealed the deal for Stacie. She knew then and there for a fact that Beca is in love with Chloe. Oh, Bec. Why are you doing this to yourself?

XXXX

Two years later.

Beca was sitting in her in home studio when she saw a scrawny toddler run into the room. "Bella Bella Bella. What are you doing here? Where's your mama?"

"Her mama is right here." Stacie said, out of breath as she came into the room. "I go to the gym every damn day and I still can't keep up with her. How the hell do you do it?"

Beca chuckled and was about to answer when the tiny girl interrupted.

"Bec Bec! I miss you! You been gone so long!" Bella said as she jumped into Beca's lap.

Beca laughed and hugged the girl tight. "I know, sweetie." She kissed the girl on top of her head. "But I'm back for a while. What do you think about keeping me and R'Kai company while your mom has a spa day?" As Beca said this she was looking directly at Stacie.

Stacie squealed. "Yes! Oh, my god. Beca! I knew there was a reason I kept you around! I seriously need a mom day. Also, maybe a night?"

Beca chuckled. "Sure, Stace. She can stay the night. Just text me and let me know when the coast is clear, yeah?" Beca knew what Stacie meant. Stacie wanted to get laid. Period. No telling how long it's been. The hunter hasn't been able to prowl like he could in college.

Stacie winked. "You got it, DJ." Stacie swooped Bella up from Beca. "Ok, lil bit, you're gonna stay the night with Bec Bec. Ok?"

Bella nodded in the affirmative vigorously.

Stacie chuckled. "Ok. Good. So. While I'm still here, why don't you go make sure you have clothes here. I know for a fact you will destroy at least 2 sets of clothes by staying one night with Bec Bec. I don't know how you both get so dirty."

"Ok mama. I be quick so you can have mama time." Bella squirmed out of Stacie's arms.

Stacie chuckled as she watched Bella run down the hall.

"You know you have approximately two minutes before you have to go find her before she burns my house down, right?" Beca asked.

Stacie looked at Beca with a sly smile. "Yeah, but you have plenty of house. She wouldn't get it all down." Beca laughed. "Besides. I wanted the two minute reprieve to tell you that I missed you and I'm so glad that your tour is over. Are you still planning on taking a break?"

"From my own stuff? Yes. From producing for other people? No. I'm working on Halsey's next album and that's going to take up most of my time. You know how she is."

"Well. At least you'll be home. Remember. Don't work yourself to death." Stacie gave a stern look.

Beca laughed. "Stace I haven't had to work like that in over a year. My Grammys give me plenty of leverage. I'm not going to be a zombie again. But you know how it is in this business. If you're not working, then you're irrelevant. You pretty much have to prove yourself all over again."

"I just worry, ya know? I mean, yeah you've gotten better, but you've missed so much. I mean I get it, but don't you want to settle down? You're never going to find someone if you never slow down enough to fall."

Beca sighed. "I'm not looking to fall, Stace. You know this. Now let's go get that munchkin before she puts lipstick on R'Kai. That dog loves that girl and let's her do anything."

Stacie laughed as she walked towards Bella's room. "Well if you didn't spoil the girl so much. You gave her her own room! I don't even have a room! And you can't call R'Kai a dog. That's like calling a tiger a cat."

"Well a tiger is a cat." Beca smirked as she went into Bella's room. "And Bella has her own room because she's too adorable to say no to. You could really learn a thing or two from her pout."

Stacie swooped Bella up and blew raspberries on her tummy. "Your Bec Bec spoils you too much, don't you think?"

Bella shook her head no. And laughed.

Stacie let out an exaggerated sigh. "Of course you don't. You find clothes?"

"Yes, mama! And look! I look like Bec Bec now!" Bella showed off her mini leather jacket she found on her bed.

Stacie hadn't noticed at first. "Beca. You did not buy my daughter leather!"

Beca scoffed. "Of course not. It's faux. Chloe would kill me."

"Speaking of Chloe." Stacie said as she sat Bella down. "Did you talk to her yesterday? "

"Of course I did. I called her from the plane yesterday. Her and Chicago celebrated her birthday at a rave. She seriously has some weird kink with glow sticks." Beca laughed.

"How are they doing? She doesn't really tell me much." Stacie asked.

"Don't start, Stace. I know what you're doing."

Stacie put her hands up in surrender. "Hey. I'm just trying to look out for my bestie."

Beca sighed. "They're doin great, Stace. He treats her so great. I hope he gets his head out of his ass soon and proposes. IIt's been three years! What is he waiting for?!"

"No you don't." Stacie mumbled. Beca heard though because Stacie saw her go rigid. But instead of saying anything about it, Beca just began playing with Bella.

"Go have a good time, Stace. I got this."

Xxxx

Beca woke up early the next morning to a giggling toddler on her chest. "Good lord, child. Too much energy for the morning."

"Bec Bec! Auntie Chlo is here!"

Beca's eyes snapped open at that. "What?"

"Hey sleepy head." Chloe said from the bedroom door. "Want some coffee?"

Beca sat up as Bella toppled to the bed. She rubbed her eyes to clear the sleep out. "Sure. And you know. I gave you that key for emergencies. What if I had been nude."

"Wouldn't have been the first time." Chloe winked.

Beca laughed and shook her head.

Xxxx

Beca and Chloe sat at the island in the giant kitchen as Bella colored on the floor with R'Kai by her side.

"So, Chlo. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I. Uh." Chloe cleared her throat. "I have some news."

"Oh?" Beca arched an eyebrow.

"Yeah. So. Chicago proposed."

"Chloe!" Beca squealed. "Chloe that's so great!" Beca saw the hurt flash across Chloe's face but she ignored it as she always did.

"Well. I haven't said yes, yet."

"What?" Beca feigned ignorance. "Chloe, why not? That's crazy. You guys are crazy about each other."

Chloe sighed. "Yeah. I guess I just wanted your opinion. You're my best friend. I can count on you to tell me the truth. But I guess you answered my question."

"I think if you love him, Chlo, and you see a future with him, then you should marry him. If he makes you happy, then you should marry him."

Chloe nodded as tears filled her eyes. "Yeah" she put on her best smile. "Yeah, you're right. He does make me happy. So happy. He's great."

Xxxx

Beca watched through the window as Chloe paced outside on her front porch. She was on the phone but Beca could only speculate on who it was with. She assumed Chicago. Chloe opened the front door as soon as she was off the phone.

"Hey. Bec?"

"Yeah. Chlo?"

"I'm gonna head back to the hotel, but I'm in town for a couple more weeks. Can we have lunch tomorrow?"

"Sure. I'm not going into the studio for a few more days so just let me know where and when."

Chloe smiled. "Will do! See you later!" Chloe leant down and kissed Bella's head. "Bye sweetie!"

"Bye Auntie Chlo!"

Beca watched her angel walk away. You'd think it'd hurt less after all this time. It didn't. Suck it up, Mitchell. This is your choice.

"Ok cutie patootie. Let's get you home to your mama!" Beca swooped the toddler up and got them ready to go.

Xxxx

Two weeks later.

Beca was sitting in her home studio working on Halsey's album when the red light came on at her deck. That meant someone was at her front door. She sighed and made her way over. She wasn't sure who would be there but it better be good if they're interrupting her work. She swung the door open.

"Walp? What are you doing here?"

Chicago cleared his throat. "Uh. Hey Beca. Can I come in?"

"Sure." Beca stepped out of the way to let him in and then led him to the living room. "So. What can I do for you."

"Well." He said as he sat down. "I came to talk. I know Chloe came here a couple of weeks ago. And I know she asked for your opinion. And i wanted to say thank you. Also. I wanted to ask. Are you in love with Chloe?"

Xxxx

A year later. Beca sat in a room full of family and friends of Chloe and Chicago. The ceremony was beautiful. Mr. And Mrs. Walp were having their first dance and it was perfect, of course. Stacie laid her hand on Beca's shoulder.

"How's the maid of honor holding up?" Stacie asked.

Beca looked at Stacie and smiled. "I'm good, Stace." Beca place her hand on Stacie's. "Thanks for asking."

"Of course." Stacie smiled back.

After a while, everyone was mingling and dancing. Chloe decided to take the time to ask the question that's been burning in her mind all night. "Hey, Bec?"

"Yeah?" Beca spun around to look at her.

"Can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Of course!"

Chloe pulled her off to the side. "So. Were you ever going to tell me that you and Stacie are together?"

"What? Who told you?" Beca asked.

"You just did." Chloe smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Shit. Well. Uh. Well. I mean. We're not actually together. I mean. We've been sleeping together, but it's casual. We're both pretty busy, ya know?" Beca fidgeted.

"Wow. Well. I wasn't expecting that." Chloe chuckled. "Well I better get back. Can't leave the new groom alone for too long."

"For sure! Go go. Have a great time, Chlo. This is all for you." Beca pulled her into a hug. She heard Chloe take a deep breath but didn't say anything.

Beca watched as Chloe walked away with a fake smile on her face. She felt guilt until Chloe's eyes met Chicago's. The fake smile turned genuine in a heartbeat. Beca let out a sigh of relief. Beca felt a hand on her shoulder.

"You good, DJ?"

"Yeah." Beca turned back around to face Stacie. "I'm good. You ready to head out? I doubt the happy couple is going to be leaving that dance floor any time soon and Bella's sitter can only stay until eleven."

Stacie nodded and smiled. "Yeah. Let's go get our girl."

Xxxx

Three days later.

Chloe was searching the hotel up and down for her phone. She lost her damn phone on her honeymoon. How dumb is that? "Hey, babe?" Chloe yelled. Chicago was in the shower. "Have you seen my phone?"

She heard Chicago holler back from the bathroom. "No but you can use mine to call it. It's on the nightstand."

"Great! Thanks babe!"

Chloe swooped up his phone and started calling hers. No luck she didn't hear anything. "Fuck." She mumbled.

Chloe laid on the bed and started playing on Chicago's phone. She was bored and he wasn't exactly known for his quick showers.

Needless to say. She found his cloud. Which held files named Beca. Of course she clicked on them.

Chloe sat with a look of confusion as she listened to the second file. What in the world? Of course she didn't hear Chicago come out of the bathroom.

"You should listen to the last one."

Chloe jumped and looked up at Chicago. Her brows furrowed. "What is this?"

"Just listen to the last one. She didn't know I recorded it. It was after you went and asked her if you should marry me."

Chloe listened.

Xxxxx

"Are you in love with Chloe?"

Beca went rigid. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't have to lie, Beca. I'm not going to be mad. I can't blame you if you are. IIt's more work to not be in live with her."

Beca slumped down on the couch. She was so tired of hiding. The only one who knew the truth was Stacie. Maybe if Chicago knew, he'd convince Chloe not to make Beca the maid of honor. Highly unlikely, but still. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm in love with her. Always have been." Beca held eye contact. "But it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything and it never will. I promise you."

Chicago shook his head. "I don't understand. Why did you help me? I mean, I'd understand if you had lied about anything. Tried to get me out of her life. But you didn't. I don't get it."

"I never lied because I want her to be happy. That's all I want for her. Ever. Just her happiness."

"But. I mean. Not that I'm complaining or anything, but you never tried to be that for her? Why? I know she's attracted to you. Hell, she loves you. All you'd have to do is say the word and she'd drop me in an instant."

Beca shook her head. "You don't get it."

"Then explain it to me Beca, because I may not know you like the Bella's do, but I know you love her. I have to know, before we go through with this. That you aren't just going to swoop in and take her from me."

Beca sighed. She could understand that. "Chicago, I promise you. That won't happen. Ever. And you're right. I do want her. And she may or may not still want me. But it's not about what we want. It's about what she needs. She needs someone who can be there to hold her at night. She needs someone who doesn't hole themselves up for sixteen hours a day for months at a time. She needs someone who isn't gone on the road for months at a time. She needs someone who can give her their whole heart. And I can't do that for her. I know it sounds dumb. Trust me. I know. But music is my first love. I know myself well enough to know that I would break her. I would put my music first too many times. I'd make her think she's not good enough. I'd make her feel insignificant. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. She's light, and love, and sunshine on a rainy day. She's a warm embrace on a chilly night. She's the best kind of person that there can be. And I won't be the cause of ruining that." Beca wiped a tear from her eye and looked at Chicago. She could tell he was holding back his tears. He really is a good guy

"You love her, Chicago. And she does love you. Don't doubt that because of me. So let me help you one last time. When she tells you that she's in love with me, don't be mad at her. Because Chloe Beale has enough heart to be in love with you too. She won't hurt you. And I would never hurt her by asking her to. When she says she wants to see me, don't get jealous. Nothing will ever happen between us. And even though I'm in love with her, she's still my best friend. And I am hers. I will never try and turn her against you. When you have kids, and she wants me in their lives, don't yell at her. I will never try to replace you and I will love them like my own and make sure they're happy, too. When she asks if she can fly out to see one of my shows, don't be mad. Because before anything else, she's my best friend and only wants to support me. She will never try anything with me, Chicago, so please. Don't ever doubt her. And when she's old and grey and wants to know if you guys can move next to me. Just know it's because she wants to sit on the porch with me and yell at kids who are passing by."

Chicago stood and pulled Beca up into a hug. She began to sob on his shoulder. "You're a great person, Beca." He whispered in her ear. "And an even better friend. She's lucky to have you. And I'm lucky you're her best friend."

Beca sniffled and shoved his shoulder. "Alright Captain America. Get out of here. I'm done being mushy. You better not tell anyone you saw me cry."

"I didn't see a thing!" Chicago smiled.

Beca chuckled. "Yeah. That's right! Later, dude."

"See ya, Beca."

Xxxx

"Are you mad?" Chicago asked.

Chloe looked up at him, tears running down her cheeks. "No. No, I'm not mad. But. Um. When we get back. I think I need to talk with Stacie."

"Stacie? Why?"

"Because I think she's what Beca needs too."

[shctteredillusions]

This time I'd go with Hades, Seto, and Alayna

The Muses in an Otome Game [ @for-a-prxce ] Accepting, under read more because length

Hades would be a ridiculously long route in so many ways. Considering the fact that he is actually the Hades, that comes with its own full set of issues and hurdles because even when it comes to other immortals, he’s still likely to outlive them when taking into consideration that he can literally only die at the hands of another god and ha, like anyone really wants to take him on anyway. And almost every single god, other than very few exceptions, he isn’t the slightest bit interested in interacting with them. His route would start most likely with a simple conversation, half of what you say will end up confusing him. Don’t be a smartass to him, don’t ever, ever disrespect him or Lyrica, don’t flirt with him, just be straight with him. Honesty earns higher points than most other things and especially if you’re patient with him. 

Answer his questions with practical answers, don’t beat around the bush or sugarcoat things. Never ask about the other gods, that’s a quick way to have him dismiss you. He hates talking about them especially Zeus. With his route comes surprise visits from Lyrica which will mostly only end badly for you because she’s extremely protective of him and will not like most who try. Lyrica herself will be one hell of a tough hurdle and you won’t get anywhere if you can’t earn her trust and approval because she means the world to Hades and he won’t be with someone his little girl doesn’t like. 

If you manage to get Lyrica on your side (good luck man, phew), then there’s getting him to even see someone in that light since flirting is yet another way to be dismissed by him, but keeping things strictly platonic won’t likely go anywhere either. Patience is key here, I can’t say that enough. There are literally no right answers for him, mostly just ones that aren’t bad and then the bad ones. The average end that most will end up with is him just being friends with you. Good end, you earn both his and Lyrica’s trust, you spent this incredible amount of time with him and somehow manage to get him to look at you that way (again, good luck), then you’d have even more issues with him rarely ever being able to leave the Underworld on top of him still being unable to tell you most of his secrets, half the palace would be off-limits and a lot of the Underworld too but he is very capable of making someone happy. 

The best ways to increase his affection are basically already stated. Patience, honesty, and treating Lyrica good. Actually, the most endearing thing to him is when someone is good to Lyrica, especially if they act almost motherly towards her. That’s likely the fastest way to earn his heart. He loves plays, shows, operas, nice romantic little dinners, and overall, very old fashioned types of courting. He’s an old fashioned kind of god so anything too modern will totally throw him off. It’s best if the other person understands more of the human world than him so that they can teach him the things he’s missed out on all these centuries.

When he’s in that place, he has this innocently sweet charm that comes naturally to him and he will want to take care of and spoil anyone he cares for. You’ll have adopted a daughter that after you’ve won her over, will love you just as fiercely as she does Hades and will have granted yourself an eternity of happiness with the god. Bad end… you say or do something wrong and he simply dismisses you and never lets you come back around again. Either that or Lyr never warms up to you and she herself basically throws you away or even worse, kills you herself. Really bad end? You earn his wrath and he kills you as punishment then punishes you in neverending torment in the Underworld. Good luck!

Seto’s route would be… hm, to be honest, I’m not completely sure. I don’t think he’d really be that tough, mostly just because of the things he has to deal with, I think he’ll be another that takes time. Kimi and his mother take most of his time and attention, he won’t be all that much there during it and then there’s the grief when his mother does die and then having to chase after his sister. I’ve tried to run a few different scenarios in my head for him and I still can’t really figure out what he’d take to well enough. Like, flirting I think he’s a bit like Emil and kinda like “wait, are you talking to me,” sort of deal because he’s lived a rather sheltered life considering who his father was so he’s not used to the attention very much. 

I’m thinking coming at him without the intention of something more is best. I think he’d like someone who is simple, someone he can hold a conversation with. He isn’t the best at it so I think when he finds someone he can talk so easily with, that will be the first “oh wow” moment for him. He himself doesn’t really flirt, at least not right off the bat. Even though he isn’t used to things like flirting or a lot of compliments, he’s not easily flustered either. He’s more of the type that just rolls with the punches and doesn’t let most things to him. He definitely can appreciate someone’s strength, physical, emotional, or mentally. And he also isn’t down for temporary things, if he can see right from the beginning you just want to sleep with him or have no actual future figured out for yourself, he’s likely not going to give you the time of day. He likes seeing someone who’s got it together for the most part.

Perhaps having long and possibly deep conversations with him would be best once you’ve gotten past that initial awkwardness. Bonus points if the person is funny, he enjoys a good joke or two. Eventually, they’ll have to endure some visits with Kimi who other than her anger towards Shiori for what happened to Kaito, is overall a decent woman and so long as the person on his route is a good person, it won’t be that hard to get her approval. Though really, Seto likely wouldn’t feel the need for it anyway when he considers what Kimi did without his approval. So basically, win his affection with stimulating conversation, a good heart, and overall kindness and strength. 

That pretty much sums up what I’ve got so far, maybe as I get the chance to use him more I’ll figure out more. Good end is that you win his heart and you’ll have yourself a very caring, loyal and affectionate boyfriend who totally has the image of a future with a couple of kids in his head. He’s not afraid to come out with what he feels so when he does like you, he’ll straight up tell you and so on for all that comes later. Bad end isn’t really bad, just he decides you’re not suited for him and he moves on.

Alayna is another who needs a lot of patience. Not nearly as much as Hades but still. Granted, she is the type to be able to acknowledge a pretty face when she sees one, it’s more of a very impersonal sort of manner about it. Working through her awkwardness and constantly flustered state will be the biggest challenge. Though she isn’t self-conscious, she does write off most compliments given to her as the person just being kind and flirting with her just ends up with her far too flustered to be able to deal. The best way to get to the good end with her is to be calm, be patient and just keep trying. 

Getting a wrong answer for her is hard because, for the most part, she appreciates all input given to her so long as it’s not something rude and obviously a bad choice. Treat her with respect, be a good person, don’t let the fact that she people-watches and will likely study you get to you. You’ll have periods where she just kinda disappears and if you’ve gotten far enough you’ll be able to find her in her apartment in the zone when it comes to her writing. If you come across her like this, simply taking care of her without much interruption is the best thing for her. Food, drinks, a blanket or move her when she falls asleep (she will fall asleep right at her desk and half the time end up on the floor), all good ways to score points with her. 

She prefers a gentle soul, deep conversation and the other must definitely have an interest in reading. She will love discussing books she’s read and if you share the same interest or have the same books you’ve read, she’ll take to you far quicker. A way to lose points would be spending too much money on or around her, flirting too much, or someone with a big ego. She was raised with wealth, is still a rich heiress even though you wouldn’t know just by looking at her, so money isn’t something she’s worried about and if you go crazy on it, she’ll likely think you’re trying to buy her affection and that will end badly. Flirting too much, again, makes it too hard for her to actually interact with someone and she will likely end up avoiding you if you do. Big egos actually piss her off, she really doesn’t believe that any one person is as amazing as their ego leaves them to believe and that everyone has flaws. Coming at her as if you’re the best thing since sliced bread will have her knocking you off your high horse and then ditching. 

Bonus points can be earned with walks on the beach, strolls at night, reading together, actually showing interest in her work, never treating her any differently once you find out she’s a famous author and a rich heiress, and a love for animals. Good end, you land yourself the cutest little flustered girlfriend who’s a total sap once in a relationship and comfortable. Bad end, she ditches you, you end up getting knocked down a peg, slapped and then ditched. The moderate end is just friends which is surprisingly less likely to happen than the bad end.

Basically, win her affection with a love of reading, a shared interest in genre, reading together, nice walks in less crowded places, a gentle heart, a love of animals, taking care of her when she’s not paying attention to herself. Encouraging her is good too, she may blush or get flustered if you speak of her writing but she hears you, that she definitely does and she can’t see herself with someone who doesn’t believe in her and her ability to write. That’s about all I have for her so far since she too is relatively new.

[hanniejji]

TAGS UWU

So I was tagged three times and since I wasn't able to do it on my phone I had to do it on my computer lmao anyway I got tagged by my sweet cakes(@hyunjinsgiggle ), the sunshine (@felegs ), and this cutie (@stayuwu ) this is going to be long btw im sorry and the ending is very depressing ignore it

Bold Tag

Rules: bold the ones that apply to you!

Appearance:

I’m over 5'5 / I wear glasses/contacts / I have blonde hair / I wear sweatshirts a lot / I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing / I have one or more piercings / I have at least one tattoo / I have blue eyes / I have dyed or highlighted my hair / I have gotten plastic surgery / I have or had braces / I sunburn easily / I have freckles / I paint my nails / I typically wear makeup / I don’t often smile / I am pleased with how I look / I prefer Nike to Adidas / I wear baseball hats backwards

Hobbies and talents:

I play a sport / I can play an instrument / I am artistic / I know more than one language / I have won a trophy in some sort of competition / I can cook or bake without a recipe / I know how to swim / I enjoy writing / I can do origami / I prefer movies on TV shows / I can execute a perfect somersault / I enjoy singing / I could survive in the wild on my own / I have read a new book series this year / I enjoy spending time with friends / I travel during school or work brakes / I can do a handstand

Experiences:

I have had my first kiss / I have gotten drunk / I have told a crush I like them / I have traveled outside of the country / I have flown on an airplane / I have stayed awake for more than 48 hours / I have had a near-death experience / I have caught something on fire / I have performed in a talent show / I have shot a gun / I have been on TV / I have gone scuba diving / I have broken a bone / I have slow-danced / I have gone on a shopping spree

Relationships:

I am in a relationship / I have been single for over a year / I have a crush / I have a best friend I have known for over ten years / my parents are together / I have dated my best friend / I am adopted / my crush have confessed to me / I have had a long-distance relationship / I am an only child / I give advice to my friends / I have made an online friend / I met up with someone I have met online

Aesthetics:

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell / I have watched the sun rise / I enjoy rainy days / I have slept under the stars / I meditate outside / the sound of chirping calms me / I enjoy the smell of the beach / I know what snow tastes like / I listen to music to fall asleep / I enjoy thunderstorms / I enjoy cloud watching / I have attended a bonfire / I pay close attention to colors / I find mystery in the ocean / I enjoy hiking on nature paths / Autumn is my favorite season

Miscellaneous:

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle / I am the mom friend / I live by a certain quote / I like the smell of sharpies / I am involved in extracurricular activities/ I enjoy Mexican food / I can drive stick-shift / I have memorized an entire song in a day / I believe in true love / I dream up scenarios to fall asleep / I sing in the shower / I wish I lived in a video game / I have a canopy above my bed / I am Multi-racial / I am a redhead / I own at least three dogs / I am LGBR

I'm about to answer 33 questions wow I feel like I'm on an examination

11 questions tag

by sweet cakes:

1. what is your fashion sense?

I have a lot of styles depending on the weather or my mood. I mostly do the sweater/jacket + high waisted shorts hehe or turtle neck + shorts + cardigan/jacket. when I'm lazy, which is always, I wear an oversize hoodie and shorts and the occasional cap hihi I have a weird sense of fashion

2. what is your favourite season?

I like rainy, or windy. any is fine as long as I don't sweat like hell adfaslsja I hate summer

3. if you could go on holiday anywhere, where?

I love going to beaches but tbh anywhere with good views is fine, it doesn't matter since the most important thing for me is that I get the experience and take lots of photos if they have a lot of delicious foods then that's better oof

4. what is one quote you live by?

"learn to stand on your own feet" has a very special place in my heart

5. would you ever get a tattoo, and if so, what and where?

I would want a snowflake, because we're not alone falling down

6. what is your favourite song at the minute?

at the moment, it's nobody knows by youngjae and fine by yugyeom ✨✨

7. what is one album you would listen to for the rest of your life?

I still listen to Linkin Park songs because of the meaningful and relatable lyrics

8. what is your favourite memory from the last year?

it has to be the one time my mom said she's proud of me :')

9. what is one regret you have?

not being able to make friends easily :'( I find it hard to do

10. would you change aforementioned regret?

maybe :'(

11. if you could have any food in the world to eat right now, what would it be?

How dare you make me choose I can't possibly choose between different varieties of foods :'( fries, frappe, and shawarma w/o cucumber pls

by sunshine 🌞

1. what’s one thing that helps you relax?

probably sleeping with soft background music

2. what’s your favorite novel and author?

I'd rather poetry :') sea of strangers by lang leav is amazing

3. are you an affectionate person? if so, how do you show affection?

I'm more like the closet affectionate person hehe but when I'm tired or sleepy I get clingy a lot but I'm mostly through small actions, I'm not comfortable with saying "I miss you" or whatever unless I'm typing them

4. are you an early bird or a night owl?

totally a night owl

5. if you’re comfortable with it, do you have a song you connect to something or someone, and if so, what is it?

sorry by halsey, broken home by 5sos

6. if you could go back to a place you’ve been to before, where would it be?

the beach we went to last vacation :')

7. what does your favorite piece of clothing - that you own yourself - look like?

a very comfy oversized hoodie, it's black with front pocket, sweater paaaaws, and it has a small doodle of neptune on the back

8. who’s your bias and why?

bias? I don't know her

9. do you believe in luck and miracles?

yas, my aunt is actually a fortune teller? idk? but she knows a lot about those and spirits thing but since I have low self confidence I mostly sound like I don't believe in them

10. what’s your favorite type of decorations?

aesthetic and pastel colors ✨

11. do you prefer being outside or inside?

booooth

by cutie :

1. Are you a daydreamer? If so, what do you dream about?

sometimes I just space out without even realizing

2. What’s your favorite place in the world?

home

3. What’s home to you?

somewhere that no one can judge me, a safety place, a place where I can let loose and be comfortable and not give a care about anything

4. This is not a question but quote a vine.

"oh hell noOooOoOOoOooOooOO"

5. Grey’s anatomy or House?

what i don't watch any of these

6. Do you have any pets?

a lame excuse of a cat

7. What kind of friend are you? (You know, the mom friend, the meme friend, etc).

the mom friend, scolds you 25/8, gives advises everywhere, comforts you, takes things seriously, drops everything just to listen to you unless I'm in a very bad mood, sacrifices for you, boyfriend material (according to my friend), secretly soft, lazy but exerts effort when needed, randomly does weird things and dances to fortnite, supports you, but lowkey doesn't do the same for myself lol because I'm emo and you can hear me saying bad things about myself 27/10 and pushing you away lol

I don't share my food unless you're important lmao

8. Do you hate someone? If so, why?

fake peopleeee

9. What’s your dream job?

to be a journalism

10. What MCU character resembles you the most? (not physically, more like mentally and emotionally).

probably wanda

11. I won’t use this eleven question as an actual question, use your right to answer to this to talk about whatever the fuck you want. Rant, fangirl, talk about what you did today or yesterday or whatever. Just talk.

I just want to cry to someone but I don't have the heart to tell anyone, I don't know why but I get stressed so easily and that one time our nurse had a seminar and asked if anyone is depressed, I just want to raise my hand but I'm too scared someone will judge me and think of me as a weak person, like now, and she started this speech about how to beat depression and I just can't understand how is that going to work because it doesn't work on me. I'm getting tired of constantly getting sad for no reason and it's bothering my classmates and I hate bothering them I feel like I'm annoying so I kept these thoughts to myself. It's hard trying to avoid spacing out and being so quiet all of the sudden, I'm getting mad at myself for being pathetic and I did the "do" once because I was so desperate to feel something other than sadness and I couldn't even tell anyone and right now I feel like this rant I'm doing is bothering everyone I hate being like this :'(

I'm doooonneee hehehehe that took me like a long time and I should really sleep now :') I will reblog this with my 11 questions and tags because tumblr has limits ugh