#but i will say that at least 3rd life uses his base design colours

[gingermaple]

decided to finally sit down and make a ref sheet for all of my hc grian designs

[laniidae-passerine]

See, the big problem with Hitch is that he talks a lot about himself, but it’s near impossible to tell if he’s lying or not.

So, I’m going to collect information about him from the books that I think is either most definitely true or could possibly be true. Any other information I’ll discount as a lie or impossible to tell if it’s true, and I won’t write it down. Reminder that I don’t own books 2 or 3 and there are spoilers! below. Let’s begin!

Look Into My Eyes

He’s first described as basically a knockout stunner who walked out of almost everyone’s dreams. And so was I just not supposed to love him? Unrealistic.

“But when Ruby answered the door she was surprised to see a remarkably handsome, rather tall, formally dressed man. He was neither particularly young nor would he ever be considered in any way old - in fact it was impossible to really put any accurate age on him.” [page 46]

He’s apparently a man of culture, because he instantly knows what designer Sabina is talking about in regards to her jacket.

“‘Well it is an Oscar Birdet, maybe they felt a little out their depth?’” [page 51]

While he’s obviously very good at his job, he’s not so humble as to not be pleased with himself. He knows he’s good at what he does.

“Ruby looked up to see the amused face of Hitch. He looked kind of pleased with himself, which irritated her.” [page 55]

He’s surprised by just how observant Ruby is, clearly underestimating her right out of the gate.

“‘I’m surprised you noticed (my arm injury).’ And he was surprised too; he thought he had concealed his arm injury well.” [page 56]

Even a man of taste can’t help showing off, and it seems like every guy with enough money lining his pockets likes a nice car, as indicated by his colour choice in convertible.

“‘Well that might explain the flashy car - he’s got this silver convertible.’” [page 62]

He knows a stylist?

“Hope you approve. Had my stylist friend Billie pick these things out for you - she’s good at that kind of thing. Hitch.” [page 81]

He doesn’t have a peanut allergy, lucky him.

“He looked up, startled, and immediately began to spread it with peanut butter. ‘Toast?’ he said.” [page 81]

I am physically aching with how much Lauren Child loves to remind us how hot Hitch is - give us a break, or else I might cry with how good looking he is. But just in case you forgot, let’s remind ourselves about how Hitch is the most attractive man alive! Also, he’s got brown or hazel eyes, Mrs Bexenheath hasn’t decided yet.

“Mrs Bexenheath, the school secretary, looked up to see at what first glance she imagined to be some Hollywood film star. It was as if he had accidentally strayed off the ‘walk of fame’ and wandered unwittingly into the shabby halls of Twinford Junior High - so entirely out of place was he. However, this handsome man struck up and easy conversation with her and before a minute had passed Mrs Bexenheath had found herself agreeing to excuse Ruby Redfort from all lessons for the foreseeable future. She had concentrated carefully, all the while staring into his Hollywood eyes, wondering if they were brown or were they hazel.” [pages 105 and 106]

He knows he’s so attractive that he can just make stuff up and like Ruby, he’s one hell of a liar.

“‘Well, it seems that your grandmother had contracted a rare but not infectious virus while bird watching in the Australian Alps - condition, serious,’ Hitch said, turning the key in the ignition. ‘There are no Australian Alps,’ said Ruby. ‘Well someone should have told your grandmother that because now look at her.’” [page 106]

Hitch doesn’t know shit about children or teenagers until he meets Ruby, and that’s a goddamn fact.

“‘Buzz, give the kid a little tour of the gadget room,’ said Hitch. ‘That’ll keep her out of trouble.’ He was wrong about that.” [page 110]

Now for the moment that made me think he was cute when I reread the books as a teen - he’s not above messing with people and enjoys a good joke now and then.

“‘OK,’ said Hitch, holding his finger to his temple as if he was channelling the information. ‘I’m guessing... chocolate raspberry, strawberry frosting, rainbow sprinkles - am I right?’ Elliot, speechless, handed over the donut.” [page 148 and 149]

And the moment that made me realise I adored him. God yes he’s very handsome and yes he’s got money and yes he’s a secret agent but I’d trade all of that, just for a guy who admits when he’s been stupid. And somehow he can do that while also having and being all of the above.

“When he (Hitch) came in he said, ‘Look kid, maybe part of this is my fault, I accept that, I’ve been kinda ribbing you and talking down to you - so maybe you and I need to start over?’” [page 171]

He likes some of the finer things in life.

“Back at Cedarwood Drive, Ruby went downstairs to find Hitch, who was sitting in his small but comfortable apartment, listening to music and reading some papers.” [page 178]

He’s a charmer, obviously.

“It occurred to Ruby that Consuela was rather over dressed for this task, the stiletto heels and painted fingernails seeming to be more of a hindrance than a help. She was also laughing rather too much [at Hitch’s jokes], that sort of random giggling that certain girls at Ruby’s school broke into whenever Richie Dare walked past.” [page 181]

I don’t actually think he’s assigned to Spectrum 8 - he’s apparently not a Twinfordite or based in California as he implies when he’s about to leave the Redfort house,

“‘What is it? I got a plane to catch in less than,” Hitch looked at his watch, ‘seventeen minutes.’” [page 294]

He’s got a temper on him, and can get angry rather quickly if someone’s done something stupid.

“As he drove, Hitch thought about Ruby. He was about as angry as he had ever been. What on earth had gotten into the kid?” [page 297]

He doesn’t like Froghorn a the beginning of the books and also he’s the sick in the stomach guilt kinda guy.

“Hitch was feeling horrible - the kind of guilt that causes nausea. Why hadn’t he listened, he never should have let LB assign that numbskull.” [page 328]

He owns a gun and I’d assume it’s Spectrum issued.

“You tell him kid, hissed Hitch, his hand reaching for his revolver.” [page 378]

I can’t say for sure, but I have this feeling that he and Nine Lives were kinda close in the way that you must be if you’re continually trying to kill one another. (I’ve always thought of her as being smart enough to be a Spectrum agent but always refusing Hitch’s offers to join when they were younger, and he finally gave up when she started recreationally killing but that’s just my personal head-canon!) Anyway, her death has him feeling some kinda way.

“(Valerie) looked up at Hitch. ‘You killed me?’ she said as she slid to the floor. In her left hand the diamond revolver glittered, a pool of crimson forming where she lay. For just a second the three figures were frozen. Hitch had so many times fought Nine Lives only to watch her somehow leap to her escape - wounded but always alive. Could it really be over?” [page 381]

Feel the Fear

What does Hitch fear? LB? Death? Bears? No. He fears the most dangerous thing of all - meter-maids.

“Ruby looked up to see a tall, well-groomed man in a well-cut suit standing in the room. He appeared moderately anxious. ‘Am I making you nervous?’ asked Ruby. ‘The only person making me nervous is the meter maid on 3rd Avenue where I’m double-parked.’” [page 26]

He’s a trustworthy guy, so not just all stunningly good looks then.

“That was the thing about Hitch: he kept his mouth shut. He had to: 𝘚𝘗𝘌𝘊𝘛𝘙𝘜𝘔 𝘙𝘜𝘓𝘌 1: 𝘒𝘌𝘌𝘗 𝘐𝘛 𝘡𝘐𝘗𝘗𝘌𝘋. as one of the highest-ranking agents at Spectrum 8, he was trusted with heavily classified information. He didn’t squeal for anything or anybody.” [pages 28 and 29]

He loves Ruby, most definitely, like some kinda surrogate agent dad but by god how did he end up here?

“So how had a top-notch spy wound up working undercover as a bodyguard to a thirteen year old kid? Hitch, for one, asked himself this question practically every day.” [page 29]

It’s implied he’s never worked an actual real job in his life - obviously or else he’d have the worn down look of everyone who’s ever had to take a job in retail.

“‘No Redfort, not really, at least I doubt it, but they might fire me.’ ‘That would suck,’ she said. Hitch nodded. ‘Yes it would. I’d have to go and get a real job.’ He shuddered. ‘I’m sure my parents would keep you on.’ ‘Yes,’ said Hitch. ‘That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.’” [page 50]

He never sleeps. He never looks sleepy. All a man born in 1930 knows is coffee, play his clarinet, not sleep, be bisexual, work as an agent and lie.

“Didn’t matter what time of day or night, Ruby had never caught Hitch unprepared, asleep or even on the brink of dozing off.” [page 131]

He has the dad act down to the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” voice.

“At that exact moment Hitch’s voice was the best sound Ruby had ever heard, even though it in fact sounded sort of furious. He wasn’t shouting, which made it worse, his voice heavy with disappointment, his expression telling her that at that very moment he wasn’t exactly pleased to see her breathing but was relieved that he hadn’t had to pick up the Ruby-shaped pieces.” [page 176]

He is apparently knowledgeable about French Antique furniture, specifically that of the 1700’s.

“Clancy led Hitch to his mother’s dressing room and Hitch surveyed the damage. He winced, ran his fingers over the wood. ‘Pear and walnut, made in the French provinces.’ He opened the drawers and examined their construction. ‘Circa 1727, very typical.’ He looked underneath the table top; found what he was looking for. ‘Surprising.’ Then he took a magnifier from his bag, held it over the damaged wood of the table. ‘A quality piece.’” [pages 210 and 211]

Listen, when I said he had money, I wasn’t joking. To misquote somebody, I don’t love him cause he’s rich, but it sure doesn’t hurt.

“Hitch took a fat wodge of twenty dollar bills from his wallet, peeled off a large number and handed them to the guy in charge, shook them all by the hand and watched them leave.” [page 211]

Hitch implies he’s attracted to women, but that’s not news to us because he’s obviously bi, duh.

“‘I think someone just tried to kill me.’ ‘You’re looking at the next guy in line - I just happened to be having dinner two blocks away with a very charming meter maid.’” [page 322]

He’s got a vaguely recognisable aesthetic.

“Ruby knew the Charles Burger, and upmarket burger grill place, with green leather banquette seating and polished wood tables. It was very Hitch somehow.” [page 366]

He can do parkour. It’s amazing.

“‘Let me explain.’ Without warning, Hitch ran. He was across the parking lot in the blink of any eye and headed straight towards a high brick wall - but he didn’t stop, he didn’t slow his pace, he ran at the wall and then up the wall, and when he got to the top... (insert long description of very cool parkour antics)” [page 372]

I literally do not understand how this handsome superman type of guy is single. How?! HE CAN JUMP BETWEEN WHOLE BUILDINGS!

“The crowd gasped as the woman flailed in the sky, and then they gasped again to see a figure in all black fly across the spotlight’s beam to snatch her from the dark.” [pages 478 and 479]

Pick Your Poison

Nobody knows an actual fact about Hitch and it’s very painful.

“‘When it comes to Hitch, I think it’s hard to know what’s true. You think you know him but, look at it this way, what do I really have as hard evidence? Do I know anything?’ ‘You know he likes coffee,’ suggested Clancy. ‘What I know Clance,’ corrected Ruby, ‘is that Hitch drinks coffee and a lot of it, but does he drink it because he likes the taste of it or because she need to keep from falling asleep? Well, it’s anybody’s guess.’” [page 31]

In case you forgot, because it really doesn’t get said often, Hitch is very attractive.

“She didn’t immediately spot Hitch. He was browsing chickpeas: a tall, good-looking man, wearing an elegant raincoat over a dark suit.” [page 60]

Dad jokes!

“‘Isn’t this a bit inconvenient?’ said Ruby. ‘I mean, having to walk through a store every time you want to reach Spectrum?’ ‘On the contrary,’ he said. ‘It’s a convenience store.’” [page 60]

This isn’t really a fact about him, but this part always makes me laugh so here we go.

“Hitch, who was standing behind Ruby, was trying silently mouth something to SJ and making a sort of cutting motion with his hand as if to say ‘stop talking’, but SJ wasn’t reading this and instead was making it abundantly clear that she was marking this incident up as attempted murder.” [page 228]

The amount of sass contained within one man... legendary.

“‘Kid, don’t you worry about your mother, I got that covered. I have someone watching her, just a precaution.’ ‘I hadn’t noticed,’ said Ruby. Hitch looked heavenwards. ‘He’s a professional, you’re not meant to notice.’” [page 228]

This quote is pretty self explanatory.

“‘So who’s the Aikido master?’ ‘That would be me,’ said Hitch.” [page 250]

He does in fact like coffee!

“‘Same place,’ said Hitch. ‘I only told you Lucello’s because the coffee’s good.’” [page 348]

We get a rare moment of Hitch actually chilling out and eating food!

“Hitch was there, eating a Digby club sandwich (a Mrs Digby special) and he raised a hand in greeting when she walked in.” [page 393]

Even secret agents want their downtime, and are prone to laziness.

“‘You couldn’t fix it yourself?’ ‘Sure I could,’ said Hitch. ‘It’s a simple case of replacing the valve, which if I’m looking at it correctly is a 3/4 inch ceramic. But I’ve got bigger fish to fry.’ [page 394]

He’s capable of getting shouty when he’s being told he can’t do his job properly.

“‘You didn’t have any traffic,’ said Ruby, angrily, ‘you came by helicopter, and by the way I radioed for assistance more than forty minutes back.’ ‘Well, that seems unlikely since we got no call.’ They were almost shouting at each other now.” [page 476]

Just like I mentioned with Blacker, it seems Hitch contributes to some of the dark humour at Spectrum 8.

“Hitch: ‘You don’t have to convince me, you should see the state she left Baby Face in - or rather I should say, states.’ Delaware: ‘How do you mean? Where is he now?’ Hitch: ‘Well, he left his heart in San Francisco.’ Blacker: “His head was found in Monterrey.’ Hitch: ‘And his legs have yet to show.’ LB: ‘Excuse me?’ Blacker: ‘He’s a goner.” [page 503]

Blink and You Die

Both Clancy and Ruby trust their agent dad.Also, I feel like Hitch is actually the closest thing to a dad that Clancy has, because his actual dad sucks, and that just gets me. 

“‘So you’re going to have to talk to Hitch. You trust him, don’t you?’ ‘A hundred per cent,’ said Ruby.” [page 96]

He’s notable for his on-time nature.

“She sat down. All the seats around her were unoccupied and there was no sign of Hitch. Mr Punctuality appeared to be late.” [page 103]

Although I think he might be lying, it seems like Hitch enjoys stargazing.

“‘I like that place,’ said Hitch. ‘The planetarium?’ ‘Yeah, like I said, I find it soothing.’” [page 108]

He’s sincere enough to convince LB to do things she doesn’t really want to and he’s got Ruby’s back to the end.

“‘Hitch has persuaded HQ that it would wise to keep up the survival skills. He seems to think you need all the protection you can get, and though you are no longer a functioning field agent or coding agent, after much consideration, I am persuaded he is right.’” [page 113]

He’s got non-verbal cues that indicate when he’s pissed off - they’re minor but they’re there.

“They talked together got a few minutes, all perfectly fine until Hitch appeared to notice something - perhaps it was to do with Froghorn’s attire, it was hard to say from this distance but Ruby recognised the subtle change in body language and knew that he was not happy, not happy at all.” [page 180]

He’s been seriously injured before in his life, and why was nobody paying attention to these goddamn children, holy hell Spectrum dropped the ball on this one.

“While this drama was unfolding, so another was taking place - the screams of a boy who had apparently fallen into the shallows, but managed somehow to scrabble onto one of the rafts. He had incurred a life-threatening from a fifteen-foot crocodile, but he was lucky - his cries had alerted rescue and he was dragged from the river before he could be taken by the reptile. The boy suffered severe shock and could not be questioned about the incident.” [page 235]

I think that his name suits him well, but jeez, imagine looking at your baby and giving him this name.

“The second, the boy who was almost swallowed by the crocodile, was named as Art Hitchen Zachery.” [page 236]

He is not immune to the upset looks of Sabina Redfort.

“‘I’m afraid I’m expected elsewhere,’ said Hitch, glancing anxiously at his watch. ‘Oh no, really?’ exclaimed ‘Sabina. She looked so forlorn that Hitch found himself saying, ‘You know what, how about I stay for the starter - it really looks too good to miss.’” [page 260]

His birthdate was 1930!

“‘Just how old do you think I am?’ ‘I don’t know,’ said Ruby, ‘fifty-five... fifty-seven.’ ‘Kid, I’m forty-two.’ He shook his head. ‘Boy, never ask a kid to guess your age; they’ll always have you pegged at just shy of decrepit.’” [page 290]

I don’t even know what to caption this, except that he’s able to burst into hysterics. Also, he went with other Spectrum agents to Disneyland, which is adorable.

“‘Are you kidding?’ He began to laugh, really laugh. In fact, he laughed so hard that he didn’t look like he was ever going to stop. ‘What?’ she asked, annoyed that she wasn’t in on the joke. ‘That picture was taken at Disneyland,’ he wheezed. ‘He was made of rubber. Kid, you might to get a new pair of spectacles.’” [page 291]

More dad jokes!

“‘I’d love to, kid, but I’ve got places to be.’ As the doors closed shut, he called, ‘See you later alligator!’ ‘Funny,’ muttered Ruby, ‘real funny.’” [page 291]

While the revelation of Bradley being alive is a huge thing, Hitch still has time for sass.

“Ruby: ‘I’ve only seen two picture of Baker and in neither one did he have this whole wild man of the woods deal going on.’ Hitch: ‘You mean the facial hair?’ Baker: ‘It’s just a beard for crying out loud.’ [page 336]

He can play poker!

“By the time Ruby decided to turn in for bed, Sabina, Hitch, Bradley, Brant and Mrs Digby were settled in for a long night of poker.” [page 348]

The title of butler doesn’t sit great with him.

“‘He’s some butler,’ remarked Brant. ‘Honey, Hitch is a house manager,’ corrected Sabina. ‘He doesn’t like to be called butler, he’s very particular about that.’” [page 350]

He’s this close to dying and he’s still throwing out the snappy comebacks, what a guy.

“The Australian: ‘Of course. But try to refrain from doing anything stupid.’ Hitch: ‘What would add up to stupid?’ The Australian: ‘Any sudden movements; that wouldn’t be smart sweetie.’ Hitch: ‘I’ll try keep my nervous twitch under control.’ The Australian: ‘I’m impressed by your common sense.’                                Hitch: ‘I’m impressed by your gun.'” [page 388]

He’s a real personality - the kind you miss badly when he’s not around.

“Thing moved like clockwork in the Redfort home, every household issue was attended to, and though no one was aware of it, their security was monitored and every safety procedure followed. But life seemed dull without Hitch.” [page 429]

He has a permanent scar from the crocodile incident.

“‘Wanna see the bite? It’s ugly, took an awful lot of stitches to put me back together.’” [page 509]

And those are all the facts I’ve found that we didn’t already know/ are relevant about one Art Hitchen Zachary! I omitted the other 700 paragraphs where we get reminded yet again that he’s very handsome, and still he is the most amazing man!

[toycarousel]

unfortunately I have been bullied for being just that: straight. it's also a double standard to say heterosexual slang is only a joke; i wouldn't joke about your sexuality so why do that to me? plus people who said it were trying to hurt me. suicide isn't funny either and I worry because blogs like Witchgays encourages this behavior and is proud of it, they even said they actually do bully kids in their school for being straight so i'm lead to think that's what the world is coming to

Hi, Anon~! I have no idea what this is in reference to.  :’) I don’t know or follow witchgays, I don’t have a clue as to who you might be, and I haven’t talked about bullying against straight people or LGBT+ people in approximately 4 years, in addition to having never -- not once in my life -- encouraged other people to commit suicide.

So, I’m led to assume that either you sent this to bait me, because you subconsciously thought “here’s a gay dude I can use as a representative of all lgbt+ ppl,” OR (and I’m going to give you the full benefit of the doubt here) you saw a comment of mine somewhere, and thought that I meant something completely different by it than what I truly did, which is fair, and happens a whole lot.  ***Then there’s the 3rd option, which is that you meant to send this to someone else who was actually part of the conversation you’re referencing in your ask.

Regardless, because I haven’t spoken, in depth, about this issue in over 4 years, and my stances have changed and developed since then, I’m totally happy to share my current feelings about this.  I’m hoping it’ll put you a bit at ease too, along with other people (of all genders and sexualities) who follow me~!!!

I’m going to start by saying that I do, in fact, believe that straight people can be bullied for being straight.  I do not think they can be societally oppressed for being straight (they can in other ways, of course, but not specifically for being straight).  To be perfectly clear -- it’s not a competition, and I’m not saying that because a group of people aren’t oppressed that it’s okay to treat them badly; the differences between bullying, discrimination, bias, prejudice, and oppression are just that: differences in meaning.  And it’s important to know these differences so that we can communicate them to each other. 

Being bullied is an extremely severe issue, and the main reason I bring up social oppression here is because folks get the two mixed up a lot, and oftentimes, when they’re told they’re not oppressed for being straight/white/male/cisgender/wealthy/etc., they think that means that you’re saying that their lives have been perfect, and that they couldn’t possibly be hurt, or bullied, or discriminated against due to the things listed above.  Which isn’t true.  Anyone can be bullied and/or discriminated against for any reason.  Like, I could discriminate against all people with green eyes, or all tall people, and while that doesn’t mean that ppl with green eyes or tall people are oppressed, it doesn’t mean that bullying them solely for something outside their control would be okay.

To be oppressed simply means that our current (western/ized) society as a whole is not designed (and was never designed) to benefit the social group a person belongs to.  It refers to the very fabric of society -- not to individual bad treatment between people.

Discrimination refers to something similar, but on an individual basis rather than a societal one~! Individuals can discriminate against anyone, for any reason, as I stated above -- and yes, that includes for being straight.  One example of discrimination could also include bullying someone for belonging to a specific group of people.

I know to a lot of folks that all seems like pure semantics, and, again, the reason it’s important to have different words for these things is because they are different things.  That doesn’t mean that bullying and discrimination aren’t bad, though.

So, with regard to bullying against straight people, while it’s more rare to see people being bullied for being part of the “majority” within a society, it does happen, and I acknowledge that.

As for my personal stances on the things you specifically referred to in your ask, Anon, I do not believe it is okay to bully random straight people for being straight.  I don’t think it’s “okay” to bully anyone.  And I have personally met LGBT+ people who are very bitter, jaded, and cruel because of the oppression, bullying, discrimination, bias, prejudice, etc., that they have experienced.  So I get where they’re coming from (being a gay man myself), but I don’t believe it’s an excuse for taking that pain out on other people for no reason other than the fact that they have not faced that exact same pain.  And I do not believe that suicide-baiting or encouraging people to kill themselves is okay under any circumstances.

To summarize, yes, I know that bullying against people belonging to dominant social groups occurs, and I don’t feel that it’s okay.  I don’t feel that it helps genuinely improve our individual lives as LGBT+ people, and I think it’s spiteful and unnecessary.  I’ve been disappointed in a lot of other LGBT+ people that I used to idolize after seeing them suicide-bait others and actively bully individuals based on nothing more than the fact that they’re not LGBT+ themselves.  

As a side note though, I’m a gay man.  I don’t know what it’s like to be a lesbian, a trans person of colour, asexual, or the myriad of other people who fall under the LGBT+ acronym.  I’m not going to tell them how to feel.  I, personally, do not think that bullying is acceptable or effective.  I understand why some LGBT+ people avoid/distrust straight people, but not why a few of them actively seek to hurt complete strangers.

So, for full transparency, that’s my current perspective.  As a final note, I truly have no idea what you mean by “heterosexual slang” (the phrase which originally led me to think that this was just a baiting ask).  What is heterosexual slang??? Slang just means “shortened language,” so is slang even a bad thing, depending on how it’s being used? Literally the only forms of shortened language I’ve ever seen used for straight people are the words “straight,” and “cishet,” and neither of them are derogatory.  They’re literally just shorthand terms for longer words and phrases.

The only “slang” word that comes to mind that is derogatory, and is sometimes used for straight people (though I’ve personally more often seen it used against bisexual people within LGBT+ communities) is “breeders.”  And that’s a disgusting term to use for sure.  Besides that, I’m completely bewildered as to what you’re referring to.

Anyway, I hope that at least clears up my own stance -- if anyone has any questions as to what I mean by certain things I wrote, wants more context/examples, then I welcome an open dialogue.  If I receive any asks that are just straight-up abusive in nature, I’ll be ignoring and deleting them.

Best of wishes to everyone, including victims of bullying who are LGBT+ or straight.  If you’re just a random person living your life and you’re not purposefully perpetuating harm against others, remember that you don’t deserve to be bullied, and you certainly don’t deserve to be told to kill yourself.  Take a step back from the people on the internet (and offline) who make you feel like you don’t have the right to be treated like a person, and especially remove yourself from circles of people who make you feel like you don’t have the right to live.

[justforbooks]

The Monument is one of London’s most famous landmarks, even giving its name to a local Tube stop. But this tribute to London’s greatest fire also has a secret second use – as a giant piece of scientific equipment.

“I’ll just open the hatch…” says Richard Smith, who is stooped over in the ticket office at the Monument. He’s examining the oak-panelled floor as though it’s hiding a secret chamber, as in an Indiana Jones movie. Above him, a desk is piled high with leaflets “This is to certify that ________ has climbed the 311 steps of the Monument”.

The thing is, there are actually 345.

The Monument to the Great Fire of London consists of a towering, 202-foot (61-metre) stone column, decorated with dragons and topped with a flaming golden orb. On the inside, a striking spiral staircase stretches all the way to the top, twisting up like the peel of an apple carved in a single, continuous ribbon.

For years, a cracked plaque tacked to the base explained that it had been designed by Sir Christopher Wren.

Again, this isn’t entirely truthful.

It makes a lot of sense that the capital’s beloved Monument would be borne of Britain’s most celebrated architect. After all, Wren was widely involved in rebuilding London after the Great Fire destroyed pretty much every inch of ground within the city walls – including 13,200 houses and numerous extraordinary public buildings, from riverside castles to Whittington’s Longhouse, one of the largest public toilets in Europe. He even created the nearby St Paul’s Cathedral.

In fact, the Monument was designed by his close friend: a scientist.

In fact, the Monument was designed by his close friend: a scientist.

Robert Hooke was a man of many passions, who applied his enquiring mind to subjects as diverse as chemistry and map making, at the sober end of the scale, and folk beliefs about toads and his own bowel movements at the other. In his day, he had a reputation as lofty as the pillar itself, variously described as “England’s Leonardo” and “certainly the greatest mechanick [sic] this day in the world”.

Today his name has largely been forgotten, but his contributions have endured. Among other things, he coined the word “cell” to describe the basic unit of life (they reminded him of Monks’ rooms, or “cells”), devised Hooke’s law of elasticity – arguably not particularly exciting, but useful – and invented mechanisms still used in clocks and cameras to this day.

After the fire, Hooke tried his hand at architecture too, designing hospitals, civic buildings and churches across the city. He didn’t get a lot of credit, partly because most of his achievements were signed off by, and mistakenly attributed to, Wren – and partly because some of them weren’t very good.

One such project was the Bethlem Royal Hospital.  In an age where charity was increasingly fashionable, this new psychiatric hospital was designed more for its visitors than its patients. The focus on aesthetics was so extreme, it was widely mocked as a “palace for lunatics”. Among other features, it boasted an ornate façade that cracked the building with its weight and a garden bordered by dangerously low walls; though patients might have escaped, at least they didn’t obscure the splendor of the building. Needless to say, the hospital name, corrupted to “Bedlam”,  remains synonymous with chaos to this day.

Then came the Monument. It was supposed to be a grand acknowledgement of the fire, but at the time, “what Hooke really wanted was to build a very long telescope” says Maria Zack, a mathematician at Point Loma Nazarene University, California. In the end, he decided to combine both. 

My guide for the day is Richard Smith, a Londoner with a Cockney accent and infectious enthusiasm for this enigmatic pillar. He lifts up the hatch – the only clue to which is a couple of wrought-iron hinges – and disappears underground. It leads to yet more stairs.

Eventually we find ourselves in a room with a domed roof. The ancient brick walls are bare and crumbling and it smells damp, like clothes that have been left in the washing machine for too long. This part is usually off-limits to visitors, though I can’t help thinking they probably don’t mind all that much.

Today the room is empty, except for a wireless router and some sensors.  “When they put the building next door up a couple of years ago, they had to make sure they didn’t accidentally knock this one down,” says Smith. But a few hundred years ago, it was a state-of-the-art physics lab.

To see why, Smith ushers me into the centre of the room. Looking up through a metal grate, there’s a clear view all the way through the spiral staircase, up to the highest point in the building. Right at the top, hidden inside a decorative golden orb, is yet another trap door – this time made of heavy iron. When it’s opened, you can look all the way up, from the basement lab into the night sky. In fact, the entire building is a giant telescope.

This isn’t as bonkers as it sounds. Back in the 17th Century, scientists were still arguing about whether the Sun revolved around the Earth or the other way around. Like all rational people today, Hooke was thoroughly convinced by the latter. But no one could prove it.

In theory, it should have been easy, thanks to “astronomical parallax”, an apparent shift in the position of one object, against a backdrop of another.

To experience parallax, all you need to do is hold out a finger and squint at it though one eye, then close that eye and open the other. Though all that’s changed is your viewing perspective, your finger will appear to move. “It’s a concept we all understand intuitively,” says Zack.

Scaling this up, if the Earth changes its position relative to the stars, while circling the Sun – then they should appear to jump from one place to another over the course of a year.

The catch is just how tiny these movements are. Take Gamma Draconis, a giant orange-coloured star around 900 trillion miles (1.4 quadrillion km) away. Instead of measuring the movement of objects in the sky, from planets to satellites, in metres or inches, astronomers divide up the heavens like the face of an imaginary clock. Every six months, the star moves north or south in the sky at a scale equivalent to the hands moving 22 ten-thousandths of a second. 

To magnify parallax enough to see it, you need a very large telescope indeed.

Hooke’s first idea was to embed one in his lodgings at Gresham College, where he was professor of geometry. The 36-foot (11m) telescope was so large, holes had to be cut through the structure of the building. In the end, it passed through two floors and out through the roof.

Next, Hooke chose his star. Gamma Draconis was the ideal candidate, because it’s relatively bright and passes directly overhead. Now all he had to do was wait for it to pass overhead – he was ready to change our perspective on the Universe forever.

Except it didn’t work. The measurements depended on lining the lenses up exactly, but the structure just wasn’t stable enough. They were fixed in place using a wooden structure – a material known to expand in heat and flex in the wind.

Instead, he turned to the Monument. This time, he was determined the structure would be sturdy. His plans called for 28,196 cubic feet (798 cubic metres) of the finest Portland stone, which is roughly the weight of 14 blue whales. “This wasn’t just some flimsy narrow tube like the other telescope,” says Zack.

The construction took the best part of six years, mostly because they kept running out. Eventually the king issued a proclamation, forbidding anyone from transporting rocks from the Isle of Portland without first consulting Wren, who was officially in charge of the project.

There were a few other hiccups along the way, such as the suggestion that it should be topped by a statue of the king, Charles II. This would have ruled out using it as a telescope, of course.

“Wren was like ‘Oh, I know what you mean, but wouldn’t it be better to have this nice golden orb on the top? Then you can use it to shoot fireworks.’” says Zack, while pointing out that the need for a firework launching pad would hardly have been at the forefront of peoples’ minds.

Luckily, the King refused to have a statue of himself on top anyway, since he thought this might make it look like he was responsible for the fire. Hooke got his way and it was completed in 1677.

Originally, lenses would have slotted in at either end and an observer, standing in the lab, could take measurements of the stars using a special eyepiece. This time, surely Hooke would get his way.

Then disaster struck. “He was trying to keep the two lenses aligned, 200ft apart, with only limited ways to anchor them to the telescope,” says Zack. Worse still, the Monument is next to Fish Street Hill, which was the main route to London Bridge at the time. This was one of the busiest roads in London, mere metres from his highly sensitive scientific experiment. In the end, vibrations from the traffic ruined everything.

Parallax wasn’t discovered until 1838, when German astronomer Friedrich Bassel observed the movement of the star 61 Cygni.

But that isn’t quite the end of the Monument’s story. In the 17th Century, high buildings were rare. At the time, the tallest building in the world was Strasbourg Cathedral, which was only just over twice as high. Previously, Hooke had been forced to conduct experiments requiring height from the top of London’s Westminster Abbey or St Paul’s Cathedral. Now he had his very own laboratory for “tryalls” on the effects of height, particularly on the pressure of the surrounding air. In 1678 he penned a typically muddled diary entry:

Thursday, May 16th – wrote to Grace angry letter about her mothers Shirds. ag. at Fish street piller tryd experiment it descended at the top about 1/3rd of an inch. DH. view at Bedlam with Govenors 0. Sir Joseph Watt here. Opend Iron chest hurt finger. sat not, discoursd about Experiment at Fish Street Column. with Mr. Henshaw, &c., at Jonathans.

Hooke was using a barometer to measure how pressure changed as he walked up the pillar. He had planned the Monument very carefully – each step is exactly six inches tall – so he could track the changes in pressure with precision. Between the bottom and top of the stairs, the mercury level dropped by about a third of an inch, confirming that air pressure decreases with altitude.

Finally, a successful experiment at the Monument. Who cares that this had already been discovered three decades earlier? Even if it was by simply walking up a mountain.

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at http://justforbooks.tumblr.com

[marvelandponder]

Better Question: Is Dr. Wolf Right?

Some time ago @drwolf001 posted a theory that Sunburst could in fact be a young Starswirl the Bearded. This was in response to a trailer for the season 7 premiere that has since been given more context, but the idea was so fun that it stuck with me. Given that we’ve already had some crazy time travel adventures, we know for a fact this sort of story is possible.

Time Travel Logic

Starswirl’s time spell is the sort that loops. As in, if someone uses the spell, their interference in the past is what leads to the present they came from.

This is called a causal loop (or temporal causality loop which just sounds cooler). It’s where an event is the cause for another event, which itself is the cause for the original event. Yeah... loop is a good word.

We’ve even seen it in action. In It’s About Time, we see Twilight worrying too much because of future Twilight, only to find out that was the problem she went back in time to warn herself about. A causal loop. In this case, a self-fulfilling prophecy (which is a type of causal loop).

But, even in The Cutie Remark, we’re working with the same rules.

It’s thanks to something called the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle. Back in the 1980s, a physicist named Ivan Novikov came up with a bunch of fancy physics principles that (for our purposes) basically boiled down to a simple conclusion: you can’t change the past.

These two ideas go hand in hand in the MLP universe, when you think about it, so here are our hard and fast rules for time travel:

Causal Loop: If you go back in time, your going back is what causes the present you came from (which causes you to go back in time, to cause the present, etc.)

Self-Consistency Principal: You logically cannot change the past that leads to anything except the present you came from

The Butterfly Effect: In the event you do create a change that doesn’t lead to the present you came from, any small change can branch out to have untold consequences temporarily; BUT, don’t worry: because of the self-consistency principle, you logically have to eventually fix things, otherwise you couldn’t have come back in time in the first place (you would be a different person in the first place, different memories)

So, Starlight, Twilight, and Spike eventually standing to the side and not interfering with the past was inevitable in order for them to be who they are. The fact that Starlight’s version of the spell continually brought them back to the past until they got it right seems to indicate that to me.

Starlight also specified that she used the map’s magic to go to any time and place she wants (for as long as she wants, they could apparently exist there “for all eternity”), so in terms of the actual time travel spell itself, she isn’t operating under different rules. Meaning, she hasn’t changed the whole causal loop thing---they still go back in time and reenact what would lead them to the present they came from, it’s just a bigger loop, thanks to some more powerful magic.

So, a character getting trapped back in time and going on to live the rest of their days there is entirely possible. It just means they were supposed to, because it’s another loop. A much bigger loop.

But, beyond all that time travel mumbo-jumbo, we obviously don’t have anything close to confirmation for the Sunburst goes back in time to live out his days as Starswirl theory. It’s theoretically possible in this world, but possible isn’t proof.

But, let’s say, hypothetically, the writers wanted to go down this path. I for one would like to know how they could do it.

Perhaps this is better suited for a fanfiction than an analysis series (and by all means, please go write stories based off of this theory). All the same, let’s treat this as a how it could be done sort of thing, to build on this theory with what’s already established in-universe.

To do that, we’ll need to gather some “evidence” (and again, I use the word with the spirit of fun in mind, there’s nothing conclusive). The first is the time travel spell itself.

Clue #1: The Disappearing Time-Travel Spell

At the conclusion of The Cutie Remark, we see the nearly ripped time-travel scroll get... somehow mysteriously sucked away.

Now, Starlight said she was the one who designed the spell to take them back to the Rainboom again and again, so this may also be her doing, but it’s unclear what exactly is being done.

It seems to have some kind of shock-wave out, which I guess implies they’re out of the time-loop now, but that doesn’t explain where the scroll ended up.

All we know is the same time portal Twilight, Spike, and Starlight came out of seems to suck the spell up with it. But, not without first taking some magic from the map, which was what allowed the spell to be so powerful.

I’m not sure if that would enchant the parchment itself, giving it the same immense power to travel to any time for as long as the pony using it wants.

But the fact that it disappeared into a time portal, even if it appeared to be the same one they were ejected from, seems like something the writers left for whenever they need it.

Where did it end up? Was it supposed to do that, and if so why? We didn’t see anyone’s magic lifting it toward to portal, but was someone on the other side of that portal waiting? Does someone have the spell now (or better yet, will they)?

Clue #2: Starswirl “never understood friendship like [Twilight]”

In the past, we’ve seen supplementary material portray Starswirl in a variety of different ways. From Celestia and Luna’s point of view in the Journal of the Two Sisters, to his own in Legends of Magic, to a 3rd person, more objectively told story in the Reflections arc.

But in the show, what little we know of him comes from and in relation to Twilight. In particular, a line that always stuck with me.

That he was unable to complete his cutie mark restoration spell because he didn’t understand friendship. At least, not like Twi.

Which is a bit saddening, given that he mentored Luna and Celestia. Luna did end up feeling isolated, so perhaps Starswirl’s lack of expertise in friendship played a role in that.

It seems he was still focused on teaching them magic and writing his many spells. Even if he loved them as students, which I suspect he did given his B-canon portrayals, he evidently didn’t do enough to save them from their fate.

Does Sunburst not understand friendship? He and Starlight have reunited now, but then again, you certainly couldn’t say he’s an expert in friendship (and in the same way Twilight focused on her studies, Sunburst did focus heavily on the study of magic instead of, say, visiting Starlight). He’s still studying magic in the Crystal Empire so he might very well still be a borderline shut-in.

Now that he’s Flurry Heart’s magic adviser, perhaps that’s starting to slowly change. Then again, if Starswirl could not understand friendship and still be Celestia and Luna’s mentor, couldn’t Sunburst theoretically also miss some crucial understanding about friendship while looking after Flurry Heart?

Clue #3: Sunburst’s Talents with Magic Theory and Starswirl’s 200+ Spells

Here’s one of the more compelling coincidences.

Sunburst can’t perform any of the magic theory he’s been studying his whole life, but he’s a damn fine magic theorist. I might even wager a guess that Starlight’s habit of combining spells comes from Sunburst, as that’s something he’s been shown to do in The Crystalling Part 2.

We know for a fact that Starswirl was the “father of the anmiomorphic spell,” “the most important conjurer of the preclassical era,” and that he “created more than 200 spells”... but we don’t actually know if he could perform any of that magic himself.

Now that’s a stretch, but when you think about it, it holds true for just about everything we know about the things Starswirl’s done. Even when Starswirl banished the Sirens to the Equestria Girls dimension, it wasn’t like he made those portals with his own magic, he found them (at least, according to the Reflections arc).

And in Legends of Magic, he seems to know combat magic, but then again, he makes his escape off-screen, so we never see him cast much of anything.

For all we know, Starswirl might be a great wizard, maybe the greatest, but not necessarily a powerful one. His talent lies in writing spells.

Clue #4: Very Important Wizard

Okay, this one’s just neat from a story-telling perspective. We’ve been introduced to Sunburst as someone whose insecure about not being a very important wizard. That’s how we know him, a resourceful but ultimately powerless magician.

If, in fact, he were to turn out to be the most important wizard of them all, even despite his lack of natural talent for magic, that’s just... wonderful, don’t you think? That he found ways to be influential in the magic world despite the handicap of not being able to use magic?

He became the most important wizard of all time, even despite his problems performing magic himself.

Clue # 5: A... Changing Appearance?

Starswirl actually doesn’t have a consistent eye-colour or look at the moment. We’ve seen him with gold eyes, grey, and even purple.

And, most recently blue, in Legends of Magic.

I suppose if we were explaining how Sunburst could turn into Starswirl, his entire coat would have to grey completely (if we’re going with the depictions of Starswirl with a white or grey coat). A pony’s coat can grey in real life, so perhaps it’s possible in this world. Or we could guess that Sunburst would knowingly disguise himself as what he knows Starswirl to look like via some kind of spell, if he had a reason to assume that role.

Speaking of purely cosmetic similarities, I would also like to mention that in a manner of speaking, “Starswirl” and “Sunburst” are kiiiinda synonymous with each other. In the same way the Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer, and Starlight Glimmer are supposed to parallel each other, it’s roughly the same name.

A sun is of course a star, and both a burst and swirl suggest an outward projection.

Another neat coincidence, I guess. Just like the fact that both of them wear capes and grow beards.

That’s what we’re left with when theory crafting something like this. Coincidences that can help us imagine fantastical fanfiction, but can’t ultimately take us any closer to knowing who Starswirl the Bearded actually was, whether Sunburst or just pony of a long-gone era.

One thing that still intrigues me, though, is that according to the comics, Starswirl didn’t die. He went missing.

And there are elements in play like his mysteriously vanishing time spell scroll that are available for the MLP staff to act on whenever they so choose.

So, perhaps we’ll never know who Starswirl was, outside of B-canon and the legends we’ve been told thus far. Or, maybe we’ll get to learn who he is someday, and some or all of this will come into play. Who knows? This pony has both a past and a future that’s shrouded in mystery. So much so that this theory is only one of many, and will continue to be until we meet again.

And until that day, I hope to share many more theories together.

MLP content? Sure, I’ve got some of that! Here’s my editorials and my reviews! I’d of course recommend checking out Dr. Wolf on Youtube. And for the heck of it, here’s the last three things I’ve done:

Fluttershy Leans In Review, Forever Filly Review, and New Fluttershy Editorial

Year of the Pony

Special Thanks to...

Original Theory by Dr. Wolf Sunburst Vector by ChainChomp2 Starswirl Cave Background by MysteryMelt

I’m a huge fan of Dr. Wolf, so I loved building off his ideas! If you somehow never have, you’ll thank yourself for checking out his channel. I’d also recommend checking out these talented vector artists! Without their hard work and willingness to share it, I wouldn’t be able to make the headers.

Gotta Get Back, Back to the Past