#but i needed to write abt skz's 5th anniversary

[changsbin]

0325 ; to love someone is to exist with them

tw: mentions of depression and su*cid*l thoughts (a small blurb about skz's 5th anniversary bc they have been and still are one of the biggest parts of my life)

six years ago, i was in the eighth grade and getting ready to enter my freshman year of high school. although excited, i still had this lingering feeling—like i was lost—i had friends, i had family, i had activities that i enjoyed, but it was never enough. i would go home, and the smile would melt from my face like candle wax. i would go home, nothing made me feel real—nothing made me feel full. so, i consumed tons of debris and molded myself into whoever i thought i should be in the hopes that i would be able to fill the emptiness in my chest.

it didn’t work. nothing did. every day was the same as the last; i ate the same food, wore the same clothes, listened to the same music, went to the same classes. hope was beginning to feel more and more like a stranger to me. good days were becoming more and more scarce. i started thinking: “maybe everything would be easier if i didn’t exist; maybe everything would weigh less on my soul if i wasn’t here anymore.” i didn’t want to die, but i didn’t want to live—if that makes any sense.

in october of 2017, i started watching the survival show, and it was my sanctuary, my escape; i got to watch these boys follow their dreams while seeing them grow and change. i was taken by their talent and their passion and their love for one another. to me—a young girl who gave up on looking for light in the dark long ago—they shined brighter than the sun. to me—a person teetering on the edge—they became my world, my galaxy, my universe.

and, in 2018, all of their hard work and dedication came to fruition. with tears in my eyes, i watched as they embraced and adored one another with whole hearts and open arms. it’s been far too long to remember the weather, but i know march 25th, 2018 was a warm day.

and, since then, i think i’ve grown warmer as well. now, my depression has not gone away, and those aforementioned thoughts still plague me to this day. but, they’ve become easier to manage. stray kids has helped me realize what it means to search for hope and what to do when i find it. stray kids has taught me to hold tightly onto those i love and to be gracious to those i don’t. stray kids has reminded me that it’s okay to not feel okay; they’ve reminded me that vulnerability and weakness and fear are natural. stray kids have placed their hands over my heart, and let me know that existence is fleeting, and that i should not squander it; they have taught me that embracing the fragility of the human spirit is the only way one can grow stronger.

chan, minho, changbin, hyunjin, jisung, felix, seungmin, and jeongin—they have all given me a second chance.

i see chan in the evergreen trees of my hometown; strong and resilient, but not being afraid to drop leaves and plant seeds because that is how the future is made. i feel minho as the warmth of my cat’s body seeps through the fabric of my clothes; gentle, loving, and tender while displaying trust and adoration in a quiet way. i hear changbin in the thunder of an impending storm; its rumbling evokes a sense of comfort in me, and i know only good things will remain after the rain. i see hyunjin in claude monet paintings; soft greens, muted yellows, and calming shades of lavender coming together to ease the ache of my soul. i hear jisung in the laughter of my friends; a sound that is unique to each person, a sound that reminds me of happier times that are still to come. i smell felix in the homemade bread that my dad and i make together; like an all-encompassing hug, the aroma is safe and delicate and makes me feel loved. i hear seungmin in the song of the morning doves outside my house; a beautiful symphony that tells of family and connection and the difference between being alive and truly living. and, jeongin—i see him every time a spring flower starts to bloom; courageous and filled with nervous excitement, they make the decision to begin again in spite of the tribulations they may have to endure.

simply put, they are my everything.

and, in this moment—5 years after dreams became reality—i realize that hope and i are growing closer once again. it seems a bit silly, doesn't it? the fact that eight people have had this big of an impact on my life? the fact that eight people take up so much room in my heart? but, i can't bring myself to care—not when i'm gazing up at my stars, not when i know that they will always light my way, not when i know that our story has yet to end.

the darkness is still here, though. it stalks me when the weight of the world becomes too much for me to bear; when it strikes, it digs its fangs into my skin and turns the blood in my body ice cold. and, unfortunately, i don't think the sting will ever go away. but, it doesn't scare me. it doesn't control me. it doesn't define me.

not anymore.

to skz (jic ;]): i would not be the person i am today if i didn't have stray kids. i am forever grateful for the music you make, the stories you tell, the love that you give. thank you for saving me. to love someone is to exist with them, and i plan to stay by your side for a very long time.