#but i genuinely go blank in the mind and go catatonic when i think abt. living situations next year bc i gen don't know what the vibe is | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ame-to-ame · 4 months ago

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love being nd and have the tism wolf Inside me be so drastically uncomfortable with uncertainty that i physically cannot think about school and having to deal w the unknown of that whole situation without losing 5lbs in 2 days

#the club ppl are meeting abt stuff for when school starts and just the reminder of school starting is enough to make me lose all appetite #i had to text a friend and ask him if he could help be there for me when i move in bc of how the situation stresses me out lmao #asked another friend if i can go to their place if i can't take it at the start of the semester #they are so sweet to me 😭😭😭 they haven't moved yet but they told me if they have an extra copy they'll give me their spare keys #but i genuinely go blank in the mind and go catatonic when i think abt. living situations next year bc i gen don't know what the vibe is #it's like probably not gonna be so bad and ik i have the capability to deal w all the scenarios but not knowing what to expect. kills me.#I'd genuinely be okay if i have to pretend i don't live there and i don't exist and get ignored!! i just need to know that now Thanks!!!#but tryin my best to not be reminded i have to deal w this in 2 months but my supervisor mentioned the campus today and now i can't eat lma #he was like u don't even need to go back to campus and im holding everything back to not be like. just take me as a full time worker.#i love school actually. i love learning. i just. thinking abt my living situation and not knowing what to expect when i have to inevitably #. face. my ex. makes me want to shrivel up and die. like icb i have to do this. like really my ex is the most harmless person ever but stil #how do you ever really. look your ex in the eyes ever again anyway. no matter the circumstances of it ending like it's gonna be so awkward?#and it's the avoidant in me and the avoidants I've dated but. I've never had a normal relationship w/ an ex afterwards lmao #but Each time I've ended things they ended at a spot where i didn't have to ever run into them ever again. so. i am not equipped for this.#And I Missed The Room Swap Date and The Regret is Eating me Up like i ugh i can't do this i don't i don't #It might be pessimistic of me but i don't think whatever will ever be resolved i don't think she'll ever want to talk abt it #and if Those are the starting conditions god forgive me if all i want is to get out of here like #if we're never gonna address or resolve anything then at least just let me have it out of sight out of mind #and I'll pretend it'llnevercome up ever again!! I'll rewrite my memories and just run the fuck away!!#my friend is going thru a more severe case of anger n self blame n how could i let them do this to me and im glad i don't feel it that bad #all i have is debilitating fear lmao so I'm just! trying not to think about anything!! i have so much fun and I'm so busy so why do i still #ugh anyway i hate nightmares and autism i really dgi i can deal with any situation so why do i still dread #delete later

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