#but i cant find a way to justify putting it on ao3 so it's here instead

[enjoythesilentworld]

Simon's Month - (Cat)Fish

day 19!! @youngroyals-events

Simon tries to convince a man on a dating app that, yes, that is his actual face in those pictures.

read below or on ao3 (T, 500)

You got a match! 

Wille liked your photo!

Wille sent a message!

_____________________

Wille: If you’re gonna use fake pictures you might as well make them believable…

Simon: im sorry what?

W: I’m just saying, it’s pretty obvious you’re a catfish. Those pictures are not real.

S: um yes they are? that's literally my face

W: Nice try! No one actually looks like that. Way too perfect.

S: is this some kind of weird pickup line because im not sure you’re executing it properly

W: No? What do you mean? Clearly those are photoshopped or something. Who has skin that smooth looking? Or eyes that beautiful shade of brown?

S: literally i do

W: Seriously, where did you find these? Did you edit them yourself?

S: did you get dropped on your head as a child or something

W: … I mean, probably. But that doesn’t matter here. I know an edit when I see one.

S: clearly you dont because that is my face thank you for the compliment, i guess???

W: You’re welcome for complimenting your editing skills. But I still don’t believe you.

S: ok now im convinced this is some weird plot toget me to send like nudes or something

W: Oh my gosh, no! I’m not even on here for that! I’m too much of a romantic for hook-ups. We’d have to go on at least a few dates first.  And I would only ever ask if I knew you wanted to.  To send pictures.  Naked ones. And only you felt safe doing so. But I think in person is better anyway.

S: okay…

W: Sorry if that was weird. I keep staring at the pictures and they’re making it hard for my brain to work.

S: hard huh?

W: Ha. Ha.

S: i guess that’s kinda sweet i’m not much into hook-ups either

W: Oh. That's cool. But, seriously, where did you find these pictures?

S: i remind you. that is me im starting to question your sanity Wille

W: Sure, Simon. You just walk around like that all day and somehow you’re still single and on a dating app. Sure, very believable, *catfish*! 

S: omfg i do have pet fish but im not a catfish you're one to talk no ones hair is that color also there is no way u have a perfect little freckle on ur top lip or do you put that there with makeup

W: What?? Me?? No, it’s not makeup! I am just Swedish! I get freckles in the sun!

S: suuuure

W: Don’t turn this around on me, Simon.  Except, wait, do you really have pet fish?

S: yes, i do

W: Can I see them? 

S: [Image attached]

W: Beautiful!  What are their names? 

S: idk if i can trust you with their names you think i’m a liar

W: :( Simon

S: :( Wille

W:

You can trust me.  It’s justified, I think, that I don’t believe you.

S: [Image attached] literally me [Image attached] me with fish for proof i cant believe your awful rizz is working on me … Wille? here i’ll write out a little note for you so you know its actually me [Image attached]

W: ‘.,;-=p./ ?um I-m her e SOrry I was.. You are real? 

S: lol i am real

W: When are you free?

S: huh?

W: I would like to take you on a date, Simon To apologize for calling you a catfish But also because you are funny and pretty, and I need to see you in person just to be totally sure that you’re actually real. 

S: hm i guess i’d be okay with that i wanna know what that freckle on your lip tastes like

W: asdnasfwaogjfan

S: their names are oski, olle, and felle, btw are you free tonight?

[duplicitywrites]

tumblr messed up the readmore so here we goooo i hope this is suitably impressive!

on AO3 here

---

The worst part about temporarily living in someone else's house was that it was someone else's house.

Harry could not justify having major changes made, no matter how otherwise inconvenient it was for him, because it went against every bone in his body to put forth a request and consequently make himself a burden.

Only, what had originally begun as a way to escape the doxy infestation in his flat had quickly turned into... something else between him and Voldemort. Harry wasn't keen to put a label on it just yet; the boundaries were unclear and he was still living here rent-free. It felt weird to ask for anything other than to have the salt shaker passed over.

That said, Harry did take the opportunity to curse the absurd height difference—more specifically, Voldemort's absurd height—whenever he had the opportunity to do so.

Blatantly unfair. No one had the right to be that tall. Maybe it was useful for when Harry wanted to engage in climbing him like a tree, but otherwise it was a complete and total unfairness. Everything in this goddamned manor was too fucking tall for him.

The cabinets, the bookshelves, the vanities. Even the damn stairs were just a tiny bit higher than Harry was used to. Which, again, was absurd, because weren't all stairs supposed to be built to some kind of standard? Only Voldemort and his stupid long limbs needed stairs this tall.

Harry wanted to ask what the hell was up with this place, only he knew that doing so would result in a snarky-ass response that he did not have the patience to receive.

So Harry sulked and swore colourfully every time he encountered a new piece of too-big, too-tall furniture, and debated the pros and cons of finding a magical way to just steal a few inches of height from his sort-of not-yet boyfriend.

It all came to a head one day, after Harry had returned to their room only to find it had been cleaned. Attentive house-elves had a weekly schedule of tidying the private chamber up while both he and Voldemort were out. Harry was used to it, so he tossed his satchel bag onto the top of the dresser and strode over to where Voldemort was seated by the window and reading a book.

"Had a good day?" Harry asked curiously, laying a hand on the man's shoulder.

Voldemort canted his head back to regard Harry with a calm expression. "Nothing eventful occurred," he allowed, after a brief pause.

Harry curled his fingers a bit, tugging lightly at the fabric under his fingertips, and smiled. "I thought I would go flying. Did you want to come?" He felt the answer would likely be no, but it would be rude of him not to ask at all.

"You go on ahead."

Unsurprised, Harry made his way over to the (tall) wardrobe where he kept his broomstick. This wardrobe, like most other container-like items in the house, was magically-enlarged on the inside to store more things.

Harry opened it up to reveal the tidy assortment of belongings he and Voldemort shared. Tidier than usual because of the cleaning. Harry nudged a few cloaks and coats out of the way, searching for his broomstick. All of the heavy clothing slid easily along with their hangers, disturbing the even gaps the elves had left behind as Harry shoved everything to one side.

No broomstick.

"Where's my broomstick?" asked Harry, chancing a glance over his shoulder.

"Top shelf," Voldemort said, not looking up from his book.

Harry turned back to the wardrobe and tilted his head back. Yes, tilted, because what the hell?! From experience, Harry knew that the top shelf was out of his reach.

Incensed, Harry swung around to look at the prat in the loveseat.

"I can't reach it," Harry said calmly.

Voldemort glanced up briefly. "Are you a wizard or not? Summon it."

That did it. The dismissal of the daily inconveniences Harry was suffering because he was not a freakishly tall abomination against nature was the last straw.

"I can't reach that," Harry repeated. "Just like I can't reach anything in this bloody house! You have built an entire house—you live in a house—that is too tall for me."

Voldemort shut his book with a quiet snap. He did not seem angry, but Harry had witnessed both the hot anger and the cold anger that were part of Voldemort's repertoire of less restrained emotions.

"You may leave if you wish," Voldemort said coldly.

Harry swallowed, oddly lightheaded now for some reason. He blinked a few times to try and clear the sensation. "I—"

"If the layout of the house is truly inconvenient to you, then far be it for me to insist upon your prolonged stay."

Harry paused. Was that... was that a hint of hurt he was hearing? Was Voldemort upset that Harry didn't like the house?

"It's not—" Harry began, then cut himself off, frustrated at his inability to articulate what he wanted. "I don't want to leave. Yet, I mean. I don't want to overstay or anything because my flat is still a mess and—"

"You don't want to leave?"

Harry stared. "We've been. Um. We've been something, right? We're..." Harry trailed off, unsure.

They looked at each other. Voldemort pursed his lips and stood from his chair, stepping over to where Harry was standing, arms folded, in front of the wardrobe.

"You flat is atrocious," Voldemort said, like he was making a concession. "Your living space is a death trap waiting to spring upon you at any given moment.”

"My what? Is what?" Harry blurted, now offended. "There is nothing wrong with my flat!" Aside from the doxies, anyways. Harry liked to think he kept a tidy living space, and he was certainly capable of looking after himself without being coddled.

"If your stay is permanent," Voldemort continued smoothly, like Harry had not just interrupted, utterly outraged, at high volume, "then I may be convinced to... lower some of the furniture. Permanently."

“Oh.”

Harry thought that over, watching Voldemort’s face for any of the little tells he had picked up over the past week. Voldemort, however, gave nothing away; he looked as impassive as ever, brows raised in anticipation of Harry’s answer.

“I want the stairs lowered,” Harry said eventually. Petulantly.

Then Harry unfolded his arms, and he was gratified when Voldemort paced a few steps closer, not close enough that Harry had to crane his neck to look up at him, but close enough that Harry could see the glint of interest in those burning crimson eyes.

Voldemort placed a caressing finger to the line of Harry’s jaw, a pleased smirk tilting the right side of his mouth upwards. “Consider it done, Harry. Welcome home.”

[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 151

What is a group ask?

Previous Group Asks

AO3 Search Tutorial

Please send us an ask stating which group ask and which person you are replying to. Thank you so much in advance!

Anon 1 said:

Looking for an EG fix it fic. Steve stays in the past. Bucky is depressed. Old!Steve dies?? Wanda & Peter go back in time to bring Steve to the future to help save the world. They find Steve & he's confused bcuz he was on his way back but wanted to stop at his fave diner to get some food first. Wanda realizes taking Steve from the past caused it to seem like he never returned after putting the stones back and he's now experiencing time out of order. IIRC turned out Old!Steve had married Bucky.

Anon 2 said:

Hello! I've searched through tags and fics both here and on ao3, and I'm still trying to find a certain fic. I don't remember a lot, but a scene that stuck is Steve used Bucky's lotion/moisturizer to jack off with and when Bucky found out he got mad at Steve, but there was really an underlining reason as to why he got mad. Anywho this is not a lot of info, so I'm sorry and I wish I remembered more. As a side note, thanks for all y'all do and hope you have a great day!

goldenmoleblr and Anon sent in signature collection by yasgorl (oneshot | 5,464 |E)

Anon 3 said:

I've been searching for this pic for the last 3 hours - please sent help! Bucky and Steve are Enemies (kind of) and meet on a mission and have (hate)sex. After that they meet up for sex but Bucky always wears a mask or goggles so Steve doesn't know he is Bucky. They catch feelings along the way and I think there was a happy ending. I already looked at the Enemies to Lovers and Identity Porn Tag and couldn't find it :-(

autonomygirl and Anon sent in The Blind Leading* by SkyisGray (oneshot | 43,034 | E) *graphic violence

Anon 4 said: (mpreg)

Hi im looking for a fic in which a pregnant bucky (resulting from a hydra experiment) realizes hes having contractions and goes into the bathtub to give birth. Steve finds out and sits there with him as bucky is pushing. Bucky realizes he cant push the babys shoulders out and steve basically encourages him? -LK

Anon 5 said:

Hi, I'm trying to find a Stucky fic where Bucky (I think) has a pet rock that someone taped googly eyes and a tiara on so it became a pretty pretty princess award or something like that? Thanks!

Anon 6 said:

hey, hi, i read a fic forever ago where bucky and natasha swap bodies and i can’t find anywhere!!!! i don’t see it in your body swap tag

airybmore sent in don’t leave me hanging, (i’m right here) by bitelikefire (theoleo) (oneshot | 5,278 | T)

Anon 7 said:

I've lost a fic in which Bucky was recovering at some kind of facility until they accidentally triggered him into temporary paralysis. Steve and Natasha took turns reading aloud to him (maybe from Lord of the Rings or the Hobbit)? In the opening scene, he disassociated and attacked someone and thought he was going to be killed for it, but calmed down when they got Steve on the phone. It was definitely a longer one.

airybmore, finduilas88, dolphinqueen10, sergeantbucky-barnes, hjwx and Anon sent in There Is No Shortage of Blood* by alby_mangroves, Dira Sudis (dsudis) (complete | 246,613 | E ) *past rape/noncon, self harm, suicidal ideation

caseysroses said:

Hey does anyone know that fic with engaged! Stucky where buckys parents weren’t coming to the nwedding bc they were homophobic

Anon 8 said:

hi im looking for a steve/bucky/sam fic where sam has a problem with steve claiming the shield belongs to him because its made of vibranium and technically belongs to the wakandans. i remember steve was trying to justify it by saying in the time when the shield was made (40s) no one knew about stealing from other countries or something like that. also it might be set in wakanda but i cant remeber. sorry its not a lot to go off

agentseventyfive said:

Loving the work you do compiling the library. I’ve read some amazing stories thanks to your recs. I’m trying to find a fic I read where they’re on the run & Bucky’s been injured. Steve slowly unfastens his leather Winter Soldier jacket to check his ribs and maybe things could get heated but Bucky being hurt halts things. They then decide strapping him back up in the jacket is best support. I’m pretty sure they were in a cabin on a train? Many thanks.

dolphinqueen10 sent in Lay Your Armor Down by osprey_archer (oneshot | 3,156 | T)

Anon 9 said:

i read this fic and i can't find it anymore-- basically a villain caught the avengers and tied them up and just like,, showed them videos of steve and bucky fucking and mocked steve for being a bottom,,, it sounds weird but it was so funny to read and i need to do it again

Anon 10 said:

I'm absolutely baffled; I lost a post-Endgame fic that, in the long run, was supposed to be a fix-it. Bucky and Sam were pissed at Steve, and Steve begs to talk to Bucky and Bucky tells him that he loved him and Steve said why didn't you say anything? I wouldn't have gone if you had said something or smthn like that. Bucky stays with Sam's mom for a while, I think, and there's this girl (I think her name was sage?) whose parents were snapped and when they came back they disowned her? Thanks!

agirlwithachakram and finduilas88 sent in  Me and My Heart (We'll Make It Through) by fallendarlings (complete | 160,959 | E) *graphic violence

Anon 11 said:

I read a fic a while ago that was about Steve being an introvert, like I think it was a college au focused on Steve and Bucky navigating their differences at the start of their relationship and it was pretty fluffy. Any ideas what it might be? Thanks in advance :D

Anon 12 said:

Here's what I remember about this fic that I can't find: fake/pretend relationship, one of them confesses their love and the other starts laughing bc they're so stupid, not talking to each other, and the one that confessed says, all sad and heartbroken, "please don't laugh at me." Can someone help me find it? Thanks!

Anon 13 said:

hello! i've been looking for a fic set in pre-catfa; i think steve's mom died, and bucky proposed that they move in together but steve refused. bucky's hurt because he thinks steve doesn't want anything to do with him (Steve just stubbornly refuses help); steve gets sick later in his shitty apartment and bucky rescues him.

[chronicallyhaughty]

Terrible! Horrible! No Good! Very Bad!

It's a terrible and horrible day for Jason. It's no good. Actually, it's very bad.

@whenyoulosesmallmind is having a crummy day, which is very rude on the universe’s part! So here’s a thing for her. 

[JayDick, AO3, Ko-fi]

Jason wasn’t usually one for slamming doors, but he was making an exception today. He dropped the keys in the little ceramic bowl on the table by the front door to the apartment, and slammed that very same door nearly as hard as he could. It felt very, very satisfying.

Everything had gone wrong that day. First, Dick had been called in to work early, giving Jason a kiss on the cheek, a cheerful, “Bye, sweetie!”, and a cold, empty bed to wake up to. 

Once Jason made it into the bathroom, he realised they were out of toothpaste, meaning he had forgotten to buy it when he was shopping the day before and now he was gonna have to head to the bodega a few blocks away after breakfast, where toiletries were more expensive than they were at the larger stores.

Then, he burned the eggs. Alfred would weep, and Jason almost wanted to as well, as he glumly had cereal for breakfast instead. He didn’t begrudge Dick his love affair with the so called "magically delicious” leprechaun, he just wasn’t a fan of marshmallows at seven in the morning.

He had skulked outside much too early in the day and feeling very much off-kilter, survived the walk with no mishaps, only to find there was actually a line at the bodega. Some little lady having a nice chat with the cashier with no regard for people trying to buy shit. He took a small amount of comfort that the Edgy™ teenager ahead of him was also suffering if their put-upon sighs and tosses of long multi-colored hair were any indication, but the tiny sliver of positive emotion he felt was short lived.

After being practically robbed by the greedy bodega owner, seriously, there was no way the guy could justify his ridiculous prices, he stepped outside just in time for it to start raining. He made it back home in one piece but with the start of a headache brewing behind his eyes. Not even finally getting to brush his teeth could improve his spirits at this point. Listlessly, he brewed himself a cup of tea and sat down to work on some case files. He soon got a text, because why not make this day worse? Why the hell not?

‘hey babe cant make it home for lunch but ill c u tonite!!! xoxo!’

‘Fine.’

If Dick thought he was being rude then so be it. He hadn’t even realised how much he wanted Dick to come home for lunch, to just complain about his sucky, sucky day, but not even that would the universe grant him. So, yeah, fine. Whatever.

He didn’t feel like making an effort cooking when it was just him eating, so lunch was boring and dull and stupid. His headache persisted and he wasn't getting anything useful done, work-wise. But then Tim sent him a text, late in the afternoon.

‘Hey can you come over if youre free’

Maybe just a little bit desperate to not feel completely useless Jason quickly typed out a ‘Sure.’, put his jacket and boots on (the ties broke on his right boot, because of course, but he managed), got on his bike and drove uptown to the penthouse Tim called home. He let himself in, using his fingerprint, and spotted Tim on the couch, leaning over his laptop in a way that must be hell on his back.

“Whaddya need, Timbo?” Tim didn’t even look up as he replied with an absentminded tap on a folder full of papers on the table next to him,

“Nothing really, just, could you give this to Dick? I don’t have time to drop it off tonight. Thanks.”

Having clearly been dismissed, Jason had simply taken the folder and left the way he came. In all honesty he was growing rather tired of being around himself, so no wonder Tim was quick to be rid of him. Grumpier than ever, he rode back home, accidentally parked in dog shit, and really, if people weren’t planning on picking up their dogs’ shit then maybe they shouldn’t get a dog!

So yeah, all in all, Jason totally deserved to slam some doors. Tonight was his night off, but maybe he’d go out and kick some ass, too. Though, knowing how the day had gone so far he’d probably end up bleeding out in an alley somewhere. No, he was just going to go to sleep and get the day over with. He shed his clothes, for once not bothering to put them somewhere proper but just dumping them in an ugly pile by the foot of the bed. That, too, felt very satisfying. Today had been ugly, so it certainly fit.

He got in bed and rolled around until he was bundled up in the soft down duvet. Screw today. Today was the worst. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but his body had no desire to cooperate. It, and therefore he, stayed stubbornly awake no matter how much Jason wanted to sleep away the awfulness. Why wouldn’t today end already? He heard the front door open and close, far more gently than it had before, and stubbornly burrowed himself in the duvet.

“Jason?” Dick moved around the apartment, rattling around in the kitchen and dropping his clothes everywhere, no doubt. Irritated at Dick too now, Jason stayed grumpily quiet even when Dick came into the bedroom, something rustling as he quietly said,

“Jay?” He sat down on the edge of the bed, making the bed dip, and put something on the nightstand. A hand started petting his hair, and Jason melted a little despite himself. “Babe? Do you want some ice cream?”

Ice cream? Jason turned over, squinting in the light spilling in from the hallway. His boyfriend was smiling gently down at him, hand slipping down to cup his cheek. On the nightstand stood a colorful box of neapolitan ice cream in a see-through plastic bag. Dick’s thumb moved to carefully caress his cheek and Jason was embarrassed to find he had to fight down tears.

"Today has been so fucking shitty, baby,” he managed, Dick’s face softening even further.

“I know, sweetheart. Here, have some ice cream with me.”

They must have sat there for an hour, eating ice cream straight out of the tin, Jason telling Dick everything, and his wonderful, amazing boyfriend just sitting with him and listening, dropping kisses to his shoulder, neck, cheek, anywhere he could comfortably reach from where he was curled up against Jason’s side. Never showing signs of being bored, or telling him he was being stupid. He just listened.

Eventually, the words ran out, as did the ice cream, and they prepared for bed in companionable, comfortable silence. They lay down in bed together as they had so many times before, as they would several thousand more times, and Jason was suddenly not sorry at all over how awful his day had been, not when he got this in the end.

“You’re my best friend,” he murmured into the dark, listening to Dick laugh and feeling him kiss his nose. Yeah, life could be worse.

[AO3, Ko-fi]