#but i can't even talk about it bc freedom of speech exists in this country only when you support their narrative

[goyurim]

they say that it gets better when you get to your thirties. science teachers in school said 'it's when your amygdala matures'. and that made sense to me. so i always looked forward to it. 16 y/o me with crippling anxiety couldn't wait to be older, couldn't wait to have her brain fix itself one day and her heart sing to her songs of praise and love. but after almost a decade, every morning i wake up and my heart still screams in fear. 'you're in control' i tell myself. 'these behaviours are learnt, you can unlearn them'. but another voice says 'what if... what if you can't?'

in the neuroscience of memories there's a process called long-term potentiation. basically, when you're constantly exposed to something, your neurons become strengthened. their efficiency increases and they fire faster, and more in sync. learning something over and over is literally like going to the gym and bulking up your brain muscles. but brain biceps don't care whether you're eating oily junk or healthy proteins. as long as you're eating enough of it, they show up, and they're here to stay. it's how you get an anxiety disorder. fear enough things, and fear them for long enough - voila, you've got yourself a nice set of buff, durable, anxiety brain biceps

until you turn thirty your brain is still developing so you have time to feed it the right foods to build the right kinda muscles. but i'm closer than ever to my thirties and i'm beginning to feel like i won't be able to sort my personality out before it gets set in stone. i wasn't always like this. i'm sure there was a time when i was carefree, funny, lively, and brave. and there were moments back then too that i felt sparks of fear. but they were small, invisible flames percolating into my mind. i don't remember when they became an inferno. i'm scared that my mind is turning into a mausoleum. there's nothing to decorate it with apart from relics of regret