#but i can't even fucking advance the Basic Thing because we may have to change the entire fucking basic thing !!!!!

[machidielontheway]

i want to (and did) cry out of frustration because of work and by memory it's the first time it happened

i'm so tired of people doing a bad job and making stupid decisions and having to shoulder that weight months later when it's so late to see it and scrambling to find solution

[lesvegas]

Question 12/13 for the fallout ask post? Also love ur blog sm <3

12. What’s a quest that everyone hates, but you like?

While I don't think anyone outright hates Come Fly With Me so much as they just find it tedious to do over and over again (and believe me, I Get It), I genuinely do enjoy going through it. Even though I can easily skip over Novac altogether let alone this one quest, I tend to do it when I can anyway because I like the tension that comes with sneaking around in cramped, dark corridors full of invisible guys that can easily kick my ass if I'm not careful. I also like disarming all the traps in the room Hadrian's in. Honestly it feels like a quest that caters to my overly-cautious stealth play style on top of being one of the most interesting side quests in the whole game.

13. Which companion quest did you enjoy the most?

I think it's a tie between Old School Ghoul and I Could Make You Care. I may be biased because Raul and Veronica are my two favourite companions, but imo they're also two of the most well-written companions with equally well-written quests.

While Old School Ghoul physically amounts to dragging Raul around while talking to some old guys, it also acts as a vehicle for him to tell his own stories (which I can listen to all day) and brings up the subject of... well, aging. Of growing up and growing old and changing as your body changes, while remaining who you are despite that. Raul was only around 30 when ghoulification hit, and is basically a young man 200 years older than he should be, and his body began to deteriorate while still in his prime. Despite this, he's tried to make himself Useful TM as both a handyman and a protector, facing the worst of the age of raiders and living long enough to remember it all. When he fails to protect someone, he seems to give in to his perceived uselessness in 'old age', giving up his guns altogether and settling for simply finding purpose in repairing things. It's only when he sees a few older men still doing what they can that he considers not relegating himself to a quiet life, though he still needs the courier to tell him that it's something to admire and that these guys aren't useless or should live a certain way just because they aren't physically the same as they've always been. You can convince Raul to take up his guns again to become a protector during and after the events of FNV, just as he had 200 years ago, and he does a damn good job of it despite his cataracts.

Meanwhile, I Could Make You Care starts with Veronica seeing just how well the rest of the wasteland is doing, from the Followers to the Boomers to even the Fiends (at least in how much trouble they give the NCR compared to the BoS). Exploring the outside world forces her to come to the conclusion that the Brotherhood, her family, is slowly dying because they refuse to change their ways even slightly to become self-sufficient. You have the opportunity to help her find something that will make the Elder wake up, from farming technology to an advanced weapon, but even with evidence the Brotherhood refuses to change. While you can technically convince Veronica to remain, I think it only narratively makes sense for her to leave, whether she ends up joining the Followers or not. She's seen how everyone else has adapted and continues to, and how the quick the Brotherhood is to turn their back on her the moment she challenges their dogma. Even if you can't relate to her on a personal level here, her quest is a powerful conclusion to the Brotherhood's role in Fallout as a whole (by which I mean fo1 and fnv) and serves to symbolize how fast humanity has grown in the last 200 years since the world ended. This quest is so fucking good it makes me wonder why all I ever seem to see from the fandom about Veronica is how much she likes dresses. Sure, it's a cute fun trait and we love her for it, but you'd think that's her main quest instead with how much people sleep on this one.

[theemperorsfeather]

I hate the fact that we don't have new templates for the new (????) designs so much, I hate it so, so!!! much!!!!! Sometimes I snap and set up paragraph styles in a document I'm working on but othertimes it's just Override City because I'm so fucking tired of setting this shit up, and it's rarely the same thing twice in a row because apparently there isn't yet a final decision on which of the many m a n y new styles are For Reals This Time, Honest.

Why have I not set up new styles in the template on my own? Well, because 1) I've largely been not involved in this shit and I'm mad about it 2) my coworker who IS largely involved keeps saying she'll do ... something, sometime, the designs haven't been nailed down yet and so 3) I'm worried that if I did someone might take issue with it, but I think I've hit my fucking limit with redoing the new styles every. single. time. so I may just tuck some new folders of "2024 Styles" into the basic templates for my own peace of mind/expedience.

I can't fucking believe we're still at this point. Even if things are still not 100% settled I'd rather update the fucking template every week than still be in complete fucking limbo, or forced to copy things from a past proposal, which is NOT a best practice.

While I'm at it: Last week, our dept head unexpectedly (to me) showed up to the weekly check-in I have with our proposal manager, said "oh, well, this is -your- meeting, so do what you need to" while I sat there confused and surprised, and after I awkwardly said "well usually we juts go over current status of stuff but uh" totally took the rest of the time (and then some!) to dump a whole bunch of confusing statements about changes in the company at large and how we "need to be patient" and "by the way I was thinking we may need some sort of 'librarian' position to handle some of this stuff I'm going off about, and how would you feel about that?" and I was like, "Well, without knowing much about that, it's hard to answer that."

At this week's check-in, the proposal manager finally told me that she and the dept head had talked and decided that it would be totally cool and great for the dept head to join the weekly meetings if/when she has time, because the monthly check-ins she'd originally tried to keep up with hadn't been happened. Wow! Cool! Thanks for letting me know in advance! Thanks for asking for my fucking input I guess? Wait that didn't happen either. BTW, what -was- all that about last week? Oh, she . . . doesn't know either.

I keep referring to my department as "marketing" but technically/officially we're "marcom" (marketing and communications) now, a horrible word that will not sully my lips or hands unless forced, and I keep wondering how is it that the communications group, including and especially the head of the dept, is so shit at talking to everyone within the department

[algolstare]

Hey thanks for answering my questions - I'm so sorry you ended up in urgent care. Pretty sure same would happen to me. My situation is I just live at home with my dad in a shit hole, mom's dead. Older brother moved out few years ago but he's in precarious position. My dad wants me to wait on him hand and foot, and says outright I can't leave or have any kind of life. He needs me to basically do all the work in the house. He also hits me and verbally abuses me all the time. People we know are aware of situation and are sympathetic but are too frightened of him to challenge him. Strangers will tell him it's not right now he speaks to me out in public and I pay for it later. These people I never see again but they're right. He's just lazy violent pos and cos I have no money or job I'm stuck. He thinks I'm too frightened to tell on him to police or go for help. He doesn't know I'm making plans tho. DV shelters or assistance like that won't help with out a police report. I go to police might as well measure me out for my coffin. I have no real friends. Housing won't help because if I leave home for apparently no good reason I will be classed as wilfully making myself homeless. I cant work to save up cos my dad fucked up my last job and gets violent if I even mention looking for one.

I'm basically a prisoner. My brother lives far away and dad doesn't know where he is cos he cut him off. Cos my dad thinks I'm too frightened to disobey him for real even he is paranoid about the possibility (fr hes batshit crazy) and is ignorant about internet computer stuff I am in touch with my brother. But I can't stay with him for long cos of his landlord finding out. I thought I could just pack and walk out and crash at my bro's. I also thought I'd figure out stuff when I was there. But my gear is like my art stuff , computer, clothes, personal belongings self care stuff plushes and family bits and pieces. I don't know how I'd get them out the house with out my dad noticing. Even if I could do it a little at a time I would have nowhere to put them for storage cos don't have anyone but my bro and he's too far away to keep going back and forth to collect it safely.

I read all your advice and it's made me rethink all that because I am woefully unprepared. I think I'm gonna have to just pack my backpack with basic necessities and just go. I have to arrange a time with my bro and he said he'd pick me up away from the house. The only time I can get out of the house is when I have to do the shopping. My dad is home all day (he gets disability) so it wouldn't be weird for me to go out with my backpack as usual long as it's not bulging. I'd just say I'm going to get his food and then fuck off and meet my brother.

Literally I cannot delay any longer. It's reaching crisis point. I know I should plan it out further in advance for the future since I can't stay at brother's but I might not get this chance again. My brother seems to be getting cold feet tbh. I just am gonna pack bare essentials take grocery money and go. I am desperate teddy. I try and sneak out door it's not gonna work I see that now. Thank you for listening and your advice. I just wanna get out the house safe and figure rest out later

I'm so, so sorry lovie. That's such a horrible painful situation to be in.

If it helps at all... I didn't have, & still have yet to land, a job too - it was still possible because I had people willing to open up their home to me, to help me w/ transport costs, & everything. Asking for help even like, as a general ask to an online crowd, can be terrifying for so many reasons but it can truly change so much. Beyond that, depending on where you live, at least some places have state/gov-maintained jobseeker's resources that can make things So Much Easier to access information & even training. I'd recommend looking into if your area has anything like that!!

That's what I thought too, I know it may differ based on location, but where I landed it ended up being a myth used to discourage victims from leaving or seeking help. Not all organizations require you to file a police report, or even disclose to them who your abuser was, in order for them to help you. If you haven't already looked into the individual orgs' policies, I would really recommend doing that too, because if that is the same for wherever you are, it could be life-changing

That is a terrible terrible policy & whoever came up with it, I hope they get back every last bit of suffering they've enabled tenfold. I hope with all my heart there is a way around that. If you're comfortable, I am always open to look into things on your behalf, if you message me here whenever I have free time I would be glad to try & find stuff - sometimes places won't even tell you upfront on their websites & you have to call, which is ridiculous, so often calling isn't even safe.

I'm glad you're able to keep in touch with your brother safely.. thank goodness your pos dad is ignorant. I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to give up sentimental things, heirlooms, art, plushes - all of those are so meaningful & precious, & especially where a hobby is your lifeline in a situation feeling like having to give it up to get out is hellish. If there's anything small enough, I managed to take some sentimental things by shoving them into my clothes, in between necessities too. It wasn't enough to make the loss all better, but it took some of the sting away

If you leave your computer, I'd recommend doing what I did if you can - take out the storage drive at the last second, & take it with you, so that he can't access the info on there!! It was a vital part of my plans before I left, & it meant I was safer. Granted my family is also at least somewhat okay using computers, so it's a bit different. But only if you can get it apart quietly, safely enough, of course

All of this looking into resources could be done after you're out, too. I get the urgency. If you don't have wifi at your brother's, I'd recommend going to the nearest library to his place - they have So Much. It's been one of the Most helpful places to me since leaving

I'm so proud of you for getting this far. It takes so much to survive it, let alone actively try to change things for the better at the same time. I'm cheering you on!!! I believe in you, you are worthy of better, you are worth the effort, you are worth the trouble of doing difficult & scary things. Every life has dignity, yours included, please keep that to your heart when you feel discouraged. You are always welcome, & I am wishing for your happiness!!

[babyboyblasty]

CHAPTER 12:

All the girls had at least one bag in their hand. Momo had eight (some big but most of them medium sized that only contained one or two things each), Mina four, Hagakure two, Jirou one, Uraraka one, Tsuyu two, and Aoyama five. The only one without any bags was Bakugou since he hasn’t bought anything. So far— and he will rather die than admit it out loud— hanging out with his classmates wasn’t the most terrible thing that has happened to him these past three days. He was actually kinda having a good time.

"You should have come with us to get your nails painted too, Bakugou-kun" Hagakure placed an invisible hand on his shoulder where he saw some glittery blue polish.

"Yeah! I think a nice /green/ would look great on you" Uraraka smiled, giving a wink to Tsuyu who shook her head.

“Actually, I think Bakubabe would prefer a firetruck /red/ ” Mina nudged Jirou who gave her friend a knowing look.

"On the contrary, I believe a nice dark color like black or purple would suit Bakugou-san best" Momo suggested, oblivious to what her other friends were hinting at. "Perhaps Bakugou would like to join us on our next trip?" she turned to look at him and he looked back at her then the rest who were waiting for his answer like they were insane.

"But I won't be a girl then" he replied like they'd forgotten. 

"We know that, kero, but Bakugou-chan is fun when he is not yelling," Tsuyu responded, a finger to her cheek.

"You joining us again would be très bien, monsieur" Aoyama smiled over at him, wiggling his fingers in front of his face to show off simplistic french tipped fingernails. 

Bakugou didn't really respond but he did smile a little on the inside. Not that they needed to know that though.

The conversation was dropped to start another one about what they've bought so far, cuticle care (via Aoyama), and what they wanted to do tomorrow in their free day. That somehow turned into Momo recalling a restaurant she visited with her parents where the food was magnificent and that led to Bakugou claiming he can make the best damn breakfast they've ever had and Jirou challenging him to cook breakfast for them tomorrow to prove it. He agreed of course and the girls couldn't wait. They already knew Bakugou was a great cook but challenging him was always fun for both them and for Bakugou since he liked to prove he was the best.

After walking around for a bit, the girls decided that they wanted to go into a store that just recently opened. It was one similar to Victoria Secret that sold lingerie and other intimate clothing that Bakugou didn’t feel comfortable in so the blonde stayed outside on his phone. 

"Is that Bakugou Katsuki I'm seeing? Or do my eyes deceive me" Bakugou could practically hear the smirk and sarcasm dripping from the words. Looking up, he saw Emo Deku 2.0 walking over to where he was standing, the smug bastard. 

"Is that the human vibrator I'm seeing? Or is it just a big pile of dog shit" he countered back, baring his teeth up at the guy. Shindou Yo always rubbed him the wrong way and just the sound of his voice and that dumb way he patronized and looked down at him like he was better was enough to make his blood boil. He thought he’d seen the end of him after their provisional hero license exam when he was a first year and Shindou was a third year, but fate has a funny way of working and Bakugou seems to run into the guy more often than he'd like when he's out doing public service hero work or at internships. 

"No need for insults, Bakugou. I was just surprised to see you, that's all. I heard about what happened over at the agency but I didn't believe it. I mean, you /are/ supposed to be the best, right? So how on earth was I to believe that a small time thug got the upper hand on the Great Explosion Murder God DynaMight?" Shindou tilted his head, looking down at Bakugou with fake curiosity and concern. "I could see I was mistaken though. Maybe you're just not as amazing as they say you are /just/ yet. That's okay though. It took me all three years at Ketsubutsu Academy to fully learn how to be a great hero but I guess some people need more time. It's okay being a late bloomer. Isn't that right, Katsuki?"

Bakugou was positively fuming and it took everything in him not to launch at him right then and there. He wasn't the same explosive boy from his first year that couldn't control his impulses. Besides, making him lose his composure is what that asshole wanted and he won't give him the satisfaction. He won't compromise his perfect record and possibly endanger someone by using his quirk in a public setting. Clenching his fist as hard as he could, he let the sparks threatening to ignite die in his palms.

"What? You've got nothing to say, Katsuki? How very unlike you" the black haired boy teased. It's been two years since Shindou Yo graduated from Ketsubutsu Academy High School and half a year since he's been working as a rookie pro hero. He was assigned to this mall by the agency he works at and imagine his surprise when he saw Bakugou just standing there in the open like that. Really, he just couldn't resist coming over and saying hi. The blonde was always so entertaining. 

"Pro-hero Grand! May we have your autograph?" a small girl and boy ran over to them, each holding a pen and notebook in their hands up to Shindou's face. The man's condescending smile changed into a friendly one at the flip of a switch. "Of course! It'd be an honor" he laughed and gave them both his signature. Bakugou let out a 'tch' sound, crossing his arms over his chest. "Thank you for your support!" he waved them goodbye and the children waved back with a 'thank you', running off back to a woman who they guessed was their mother.

"Does it ever get tiring being a two-faced bitch?" Bakugou growled and Shindou turned back to him, letting out an amused laugh.

"See? There he is. Or should I say she now?" he made a thinking face and laughed when Bakugou audibly growled like a dog. "That's what I like about you, Bakugou. Always so feisty" he cooed before stepping a bit closer. Bakugou kept his ground so they were almost chest to chest, Bakugou glaring up at the guy because of his new height. If he was smaller by one or two inches before, he is now nearly half a foot shorter than the bastard. "You know, this look actually kinda suits you. It makes you look cute when you're angry so really I can't even take you seriously. Not that I did before, but now I get the sudden urge to hug you. Isn't that funny?" he smirked.

"Well take a good long look, perv, because I'll be turning back to normal tomorrow morning," Bakugou spat. Shindou looked genuinely confused for a split second and it made Bakugou get a sinking feeling in his chest.

"Tomorrow morning? Are you sure? Did Eraser tell you that?" the pro hero raised an eyebrow, a smile tugging at his lips. 

"What the hell are you getting at?" Bakugou frowned. 

"Oh nothing, don't mind me. If that's what your teacher said then it must be true" he shrugged.

"Is there something you're not telling me? If there is, spit it out already."

"Like I said, it's nothing. Anyway, I must be getting back to work. The streets don't keep themselves safe, you know?" Shindou smiled and turned to leave but Bakugou immediately grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face him and gripping onto the black and gold top piece of his hero costume to pull him down to his eye level.

"Woah there Bakugou. Aren't we moving just a bit too fast?" the older of the two chuckled.

"Listen up, dumbass. I swear if there's something you're not telling me I'll—" he growled out before getting interrupted by a stern voice.

"Bakugou! What is going on here? Let go of him immediately" Iida stepped up to both of them. Midoriya, Todoroki, and the other three standing behind the tall, navy haired male were all ready to intervene if need be, Midoriya and Todoroki more so than the rest.

Bakugou unclenched his hands from Shindou's hero costume with a huff and Shindou smoothed it out with a throaty laugh.

"Thanks for that. Iida Tenya, right? Ingenium's younger brother?" Shindou smiled. 

The class rep nodded and answered 'yes, I am' before putting his hands together. "Pro-hero Grand," Iida gave a deep bow, "I apologize in advance for my classmate's despicable behavior. As class rep it is my responsibility to ensure everyone acts their best in order to better represent the name of U.A. My apologies again, sir!" Iida was practically yelling and it caused a few heads to turn their way in curiosity to what was happening, but they all looked away with a sharp glare from a certain ash blonde that basically told them to mind their own fucking business. "Is everything okay? Was Bakugou bothering you?"

Bakugou could have laughed. Of course they'd think that so he wasn’t even surprised.

"What?" Shindou laughed before the black haired hero began maneuvering the younger so that he had an arm around Bakugou's shoulders and his other hand was holding one of Bakugou's wrists like they were the best of pals. "Oh no, not at all. Bakugou-kun and I were just talking about old times. I was giving him a few words of my experience so far and some advice as a pro hero" the male gave a bright smile. "What you saw just now was a new move Bakugou was demonstrating to me. There is no problem here, right Katsuki?"

"Whatever."

Midoriya's eyes flickered over to Kacchan. Honestly, he doesn't think that that was what happened at all. He thinks Shindou said or did something that made Bakugou react that way. He's known the blonde for a long time now and while his childhood friend might be a hot head, he wasn't the type to start fights without reason. Todoroki, Shoji, and Koda thought the same but didn't say anything. They didn’t get good vibes from Shindou either.

Todoroki didn't like the interaction between those two one bit and Izuku felt the need to go up and pull his Kacchan away from him.

"Well, that's a relief" Iida answered with a bit of hesitance. He was still a bit suspicious but let the matter slide.

"I hope to see you all out in the field in a few years. Work hard" Shindou said his goodbyes to all of them individually before turning to Bakugou. "It was nice bumping into you, Katsuki-chan. And I meant what I said earlier too. You look good" he winked and Bakugou growled. "Take care, guys" he smiled, waving goodbye. 

They all watched the hero go before Iida was turning to Bakugou. "What happened between you two, Bakugou?" he frowned and Bakugou grumbled.

"Nothin' that concerns any of you. Now quit buggin me."

Iida tried not to take offense. After a few years of being classmates, he should be used to the blonde's somewhat hostile way of speaking. “As you wish. Why were you alone? Where are the girls and Aoyama?” he asked.

“In the store” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

Almost as if by magic, Bakugou’s group started walking out of the store, some carrying new small bags. 

“Deku-kun! Iida-kun!” Uraraka grinned, going up to them excitedly.

“Uraraka-san. It’s good to see you” Izuku smiled. The rest of them caught up before Iida started lecturing the girls about leaving Bakugou alone.

“I can take care of myself, four eyes!” he yelled but Iida paid no attention to him as he continued talking to the rest about what he saw happening with Bakugou and Shindou earlier to make a point about why we should all be in groups or in pairs at all times. Mina gasped loudly and Momo turned around to look at Bakugou with sympathy.

“Did he do something to you, Bakugou?" the pink girl was stomping over to him, a furious look on her face. "Where is he? I’ll beat him up I swear” Mina frowned, looking around to see if she can spot the black haired hero around. For his sake, he better pray she doesn't. Apparently she thought the same thing Midoriya did.

"Bakugou-kun! I am terribly sorry we left you alone. I should have known better and stayed behind with you. I am so sorry for your troubles" she apologized.

"Hah? Do you think I'm some type of damsel in distress now or something? It's fine, ponytail. Quit apologizing" he grumbled, looking away. “You too, Pinky.”

Momo gave him a soft smile and went in for a hug. She was sure he'd most likely push her off so when he didn't, she was very surprised. He didn't hug back but Momo didn't expect him to and she hugged him a bit tighter, the rest of the girls going in for a group hug as well. The boys were unsure what to do (even though some of them really wanted to join) so they stood to the side and watched how Bakugou started telling them to quit being "sentimental fucks" and let go already. They could tell he didn’t really mind it when he didn't immediately threaten to blow them up though.

Bakugou couldn’t wait until he went back to normal tomorrow.

[ word count: 2318 ]

(the shindou and bakugou inspiration for this chapter was these two pieces of fanart!)

[novelconcepts]

I have been struggling with sending this ask in response to your latest fic because it is perhaps one of my favorite things I have read in my whole life and I want to do it justice, but I am afraid it may just come across as a rambling mess. If that becomes the case, I apologize in advance. But I'm gonna give it my best.

First I feel I must preface this by saying I was skeptical of this one. Not because I have any doubt in your talent as a writer and storyteller. You are one of the best I've ever seen. But because I do not believe in soulmates. Atleast not in the traditional sense of there being one perfect person for us in all the world and that when we find that person everything will magically fall into place. It's a nice idea but I believe that love and relationships are rooted in choice. I've been with my partner for 6 and 1/2 years and while I know without a doubt she is my life partner I also know that that is a choice I make every day and will continue to make every day for the rest of my life. And sometimes that choice has not been easy even though it has always felt right. Because people aren't made for someone else and we grow and change so many times in our lives and choosing someone forever means falling in love with them over and over again through those changes. And I loved that about Dani and Jamie from the start, and truly felt that they embodied my beliefs about love so well. So I knew I would love your fic because it is yours and your writing astounds me, but I didn't known if it would feel right for me for Dani and Jamie's story.

But Dr. Concepts, you surprised me yet again and proved me oh so wrong.

I love the concept of slowly uncovering your person throughout your life in your dreams and those dreams stopping once you fall in love with them (and only returning if that person dies, that FUCKING ENDING MY GOD). But what I love most of all that felt so different from other soulmate aus was that it wasn't some perfect equation; sometimes they didn't line up, or even if they did people still couldn't make it work. Because that is real and painful but it makes it even more magical when it does work out. When two people say "hey I've been dreaming of you for years but it didn't even come close to comparing to the real thing and I want to try. With you I want to try".

I keep coming back to this line "that a dream can't possibly contain a whole person". And I just...that's just it isn't it? Maybe we don't have magical dreams that lead us to our forever person in this universe but we all dream of our Perfect Person from the time we are small. Then we grow up and we meet someone and we realize they are not perfect but they are so much better than any dream because they are real, and whole, and flawed and all the more lovely for it.

I have so much more to say and may be back later because I could truly talk about this fic for hours. I wish I could sit down and have coffee with you and just talk this one out and pick your amazing brain about it. Thank you for all your fics, but in particular this one. It is very dear to me, so much so it seems to have found its way into my own dreams ♥️

I am so, so glad my spin on soulmates resonated this way with you. Honestly, it’s the only way I’d know how to write the idea—that a soulmate is someone you choose, not because it’s preordained, but because it’s someone who calls out to all the parts of you that can be matched. I forget exactly what the quote is, but when they were doing press for Bly, Pedretti had said something about them like “two people who are like I’m fuckin’ weird, and you’re fuckin’ weird, and we can be weird together”, and that’s basically...my whole view on the subject. A soulmate isn’t an ideal or a fix for your life; it’s just someone who wants to keep choosing you as you keep choosing them. And in human relationships, you aren’t always going to both be in that place at the same time. I really wanted to play with that idea, because anything cleaner felt too simple. And it didn’t explain how almost every relationship in the show hadn’t worked—both of their parents, Dani and Eddie, Henry and Charlotte, etc. I really wanted to explain that the romance, the true romance of it, isn’t in being told This Is For You, but in communicating how much you want to make that choice. And keep making it, even on the hardest day.

[whats-the-story-tc]

13th-15th of May, 2020

"The One Where the Mask Drops"

[INCREDIBLY LONG SORRY]

Hey, I'm not dead! And to show you how incredibly not dead I am, let me tell you a story.

It's around 2 AM that Wednesday, I'm going to sleep. God knows I'm incredibly exhausted, but there's one last thing I needed to write into my diary. One last thing I couldn't go to sleep without.

"please be good to me today"

I went to sleep hoping that finally, after two weeks of feeling like shit when I thought about us, the tide would turn.

That morning, it rained. I immediately remembered a rainy Wednesday morning just like this two months ago, when the rain brought V back to me. I got very excited. Things were going to change for the better again, I felt it. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for class.

8:30 AM that morning, I'm getting ready for my 9 AM class. Google Classroom–notif. V. Private message. Uh-oh, I thought. The make-or-break moment, and not a minute too soon.

V: Thank you very much for your work!

I almost laughed out loud. "Wow, [Name], don't strain yourself!" I remember saying as I read it.

One infuriatingly boring English (as a foreign language) class later, it was time for V's class. I was ready five minutes in advance, but as I went on The Platform That Shall Not Be Named... no one was there. I found it odd. Usually, there are a couple of us by now. Anyway, I didn't enter the voice channel. I waited five minutes in solitude outside for someone to show up.

Well, V did. And I wasn't very well going to leave her alone, now, was I?

She greeted me 0.1 second after I joined. I tried not to be awkward about it just being the two of us, I immediately stroke up a conversation. I told her how I was already waiting, all the stuff you guys already know, and she asked if we had any lessons prior. I told her about one third of us having had English just now. We spent about two minutes alone together, as I rambled about the awkward and unfortunate situation and she listened, mostly in silence.

She was very audibly tired, and said very little, that much was to be expected from a 10 AM class. But... I might just be overthinking it, but I heard something there that concerned me. Something crushed and disappointed, something that told me she wasn't expecting only one person to show. There was something painfully lonely in that voice.

Bookworm Friend joined, about 3-ish minutes into class, and Debate Friend a minute or two later, but they were both muted, so I carried on. I asked V to tell us what happened in school in the past two days, what we missed out on, enthusiastically replying to everything I could, so she wouldn't feel like she was speaking into the abyss, so she'd know I was trying my hardest to be there for her. Then she brought up the tests she was correcting at the moment, even naming a really stupid mistake she encountered with a little laugh. But what really smacked me in the gut was when I brought up the small attendance, and she said: "There's nothing we can do." in this very melancholy voice, like she was giving up. She even texted the class group chat that she's waiting.

How do I know that she wasn't just simply tired, and that's why she sounded like that, so worn and discouraged, especially at first? Because as soon as the others, who don't belong in my friends' circle, started showing up, her voice and entire behaviour did a 180°, as if she suddenly woke up. But she didn't. I know for a fact she didn't. Nobody just wakes up that suddenly.

It took me until that afternoon to realise that I'd just spent 5 minutes with the real V, the same V I spoke to in early December, who didn't try to hide her emotions. Not from me.

If you only heard the next thirty minutes of class, you could never tell she was feeling sad to begin with. And there was a LOT to be heard. Starting with how she mispronounced "cheat somebody out of sth" as "EAT somebody out", which is... well... all I'm saying is, I fell on my knees and tried to laugh as silently as I could. Prime moment.

She said something along the lines of "We're all very sober here", after which I just texted my friends:

S: "Darling, you tell us drinking stories every two weeks, would you mind if I didn't believe you?"

and sometime after, this text was also sent, for which I will not be offering context:

S: "[Name], that was enough sex for 10 AM, I'm gonna pass out"

And, of course, after all that went down, V saying "you can't satisfy everyone" sounded VERY different.

At some point, I attempted to joke around, but as she was reading a message in the chat that was sent at the same time, I got quite the half-assed response. But what happened in the last five minutes? Oh, that changed everything.

Art Friend knew how upset I was that V didn't reply at all to my assignment, and I told her I wanted to talk to V about it. During class, she texted me if I still wanted it, and I told her no, because I'm no longer upset with her. And what does this madwoman do? SHE ASKS ABOUT THE ASSIGNMENTS.

V is absolutely enthusiastic, she goes on about how much she liked what she saw and how creative we were. Art Friend asks about hers. Then comes my leap of faith. It's now, or never.

"I hope I didn't go too far..." I said, a bit nervous, not knowing how she'd react. She never did like me trying to undermine myself. And you guys... she chuckled. Incredibly soft and warm and just what I needed to feel at ease. That already threw me off, but then, she followed it up with: "No, I really-really liked it." I could tell she was smiling on the other side of the screen and that she was completely honest. I had to sit down after that, because I just couldn't believe what I heard. That I really just witnessed all that, that I got a reaction I couldn't overthink and/or misinterpret, because I heard it with my own two ears, in real time. I felt like I could do anything in the world.

And yet, the next day, I didn't do my usual notes for her test. Because what did Specs do all evening instead? I was fucking singing. I couldn't deny being a goddamn theatre kid if I tried.

Friday. The day of the test. I'm restlessly taking notes in the morning, but I don't have the time to get into the analytics of poems, only the basics of the dude's life and works. It makes me incredibly frightened, because V's tests are only easy if you come prepared — if you have no clue what she's talking about, abandon all hope. I had absolutely everything open for cheating that I could open, and you guys? I lucked out. Most of the test was just "Explain what [insert quote] means in 2-3 sentences", and if there's something I excel at, as you've probably noticed, it's talking. It was easy as could be.

The only thing making me anxious were my classmates. They were all trying to ask for help, constant questions and begging, everyone is hopeless, because they couldn't give two shits about preparing beforehand. They were all assured some loser was gonna give them the answers. And the some loser was me. I gave it to them, everything except for the final, longer essay. That was private, only meant for V to read. After all, how was I supposed to show them my essay, that ends like this?:

"Even if our existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness."

And yes, yes it is. Always. Look at me. I powered through weeks of a shitstorm, where every single day felt like years, where I no longer knew or cared what was going to happen. And let me tell you, the sun always shines beyond the clouds. You just can't see it yet. But GOD, you will. You will.

I needed time to write this. There's loads going on at the moment, not necessarily V-related, and I'm trying to work my way through it gently enough that I can make it the end sane and healthy. Currently, it's three weeks since all this happened. One and a half weeks left until school ends. I might get to see V in person again, but we'll see how it goes. All I know is that whatever happens, I can do it. Because even if my existence is finite, it's always worth fighting for happiness.

~ S ♡

[Every story I share here, no matter how specific I get with my wording, depicts actual events from my own life.]

[cardhouseandthecage]

I actually am wondering about the Star recruitment process, Denizen-Star communication, and the interface between our reality and Faerie with regard to all this. Like if you or I was to get sucked into the Star process, what would it be like in terms of ordinary logistics? How would they first reach out to us? What if we tried something like getting other people involved who legit believed in all this but the Cardhouse really didn't want them involved? Apologies if this can't really be answered!

an EXCELLENT QUESTION, friend, and incidentally a subject of ongoing investigation on my part. THE subject of ongoing investigation. My whole life. Which is to say: I can’t give you a complete answer—I can’t even necessarily give you a correct answer—but you have absolutely come to the right place. You wont get any kind of answer anywhere else. Here’s what I’ve pieced together from my research, thus far:I. The first thing you need to know about Stars is that they don’t actually believe in fairies. Not Literally. Not necessarily. 

You are familiar, I assume, with the Moment of Magical Proof™? You’ll find it with most stories that begin in the mundane. Our protagonist might want to believe in magic, but they can’t—magic is fake and everyone knows it—so they’ll rationalize for as long as they can. Then something happens. Magic intrudes upon their lived experience in a way they can no longer deny. YER A WIZARD, HARRY. Magic is real, and will continue to be real for the duration of the narrative.

That moment never happens.

There is no first contact for a Star, no revelation, no paradigm shift: it’s only ever a slow fade. And that little voice of in the back of their heads, the one that knows none of this could ever be real? It never goes away. That’s important. It’s part of what splits them—and without a split there is no harvest.

The Cardmaster settled upon this business model for a reason. Certainly he could present the Cardhouse more literally, but he’d be working against dominant trends: most people don’t believe in fairies literally, and our beliefs govern the channels through which fairies can contact us. So if you don’t really believe that some fairy bitch could pup up in your window and approach you with the deal of a lifetime, they’re going to have a really difficult time making that happen.* It’s much more cost-effective to build on a pre-existing system of belief than to overturn it. 

II. But what’s all this nonsense about the power of belief, HQ? Are you really going to sit there behind your screen and tell me that you subscribe to Magical Thinking? Who exactly is funding this study???

AHAHAHAHAHA NO ONE, naturally, but also: no. No, of course not! I may not be funded but I take myself very seriously here: I’m not arguing that our beliefs can change reality directly. Antoine was absolutely right about the tree root: that’s a thing in the physical universe and it’s going to go on existing regardless of what we think about it—outside of what we think of it. Oxygen doesn’t care about my feelings! There’s a side of things won’t budge, no matter what I believe (I know this; I’ve tried). Even if I clapped my hands and dreamed with every fibre of my being, it wouldn’t wouldn’t make a fairy into something I could bring into a lab and prove.

But my belief would change something. It would change the Faerie-Reality interface. If I believed fairies were real, they’d be real to me. It would change how they exist in the extra-dimensional space in my head. And that space in my head—in all of our heads—that’s the dimension of things that connects up with Faerie. That’s what empties into Faerie, perpetually, without our volition or consent. I’m fooling myself if I think I’m in control of that space just because my thoughts effect it: I didn’t choose most of my beliefs any more than I chose my body. There’s a whole world of thought that I inherited, and correspondingly a whole landscape of Faerie that’s built up in connection to Reality over time. By this mechanism, then, our beliefs can alter reality: indirectly. Reality generates Faerie, but Faerie is incessantly fucking with us in return, and the ways in which it fucks with us influence the actions we take in Reality. III. Any agency behind such fuckery I term “a fairy.” 

Fairies “live” in the backworld (they’re made of the same stuff it is) and can manipulate the residue that accumulates there: they’re not real by any means, but they do exist. It is worth noting that fairies, by this definition, don’t give a damn whether we believe in them. This may first strike you as counter-intuitive: if they’re made of our thoughts, then surely our belief means a great deal to them? To which I answer: yes, it does. Absolutely. Just not in the way that you’d think. I’m guessing you’ve probably encountered some version theory of belief-dependancy and the Decline of the Mythical? It’s related to a lot of things (many of which are true, see: placebo effect), but generally it asserts that the vitality of imaginary beings has diminished in direct proportion to our diminishing “belief” in them, and consequently there has been a great falling off in the power of gods and fairies and the like as we have entered the modern era. My findings suggest the otherwise. I say we still believe in plenty of “unreal” things, and as strongly as ever we did. Even our science feeds into the Faerie: it’s made of our thought! We use science to describe reality, but it itself is not fully “real.” Besides which, it’s not as if fairies are limited to drawing upon our literal beliefs. We don’t generally think of fiction as real, and yet it shapes us. And a desire can be every bit as potent as a belief. Fairies don’t care whether we believe in them: all they require is that we want to. They’ll play our beliefs against our desires and catch us between them, bring us to our knees before the impossible; we’ll yield our sacrifice readily enough, god or no god.  All they require is that we dream. 

So no, I don’t think we’ve impoverished fairies at all by sorting fact from fiction as we have. I think we’ve blinded ourselves to their power, locked the door and thrown away the key only to have them catch it. I think we’ve given them everything. I think we’ve spoiled them.

IV. But I digress. You asked me about the logistics of Star recruitment and Denizen-Star communication. 

It starts, traditionally enough, with a fairy ring.

Not a literal ring, generally (that’s very retro), but the there are certain channels of interface—certain ‘meta-forums’—that the Cardhouse keeps open as traps for potential candidates. For a while now, the internet has been the best “place” to set up such a forum, so they frequently overlay or branch off from real online sites. But they could be anywhere. Any work of fiction can easily serve as a jumping off point (provided it’s fantastical enough), or else game of make-believe, or even a good old-fashioned glade or a shopping centre or an abandoned house. If you’re intrepid enough you might find your way to to one through pure whimsy: it’s only a matter of stumbling into the right headspace.

Unfortunately, there’s no clear indicator for when such a stumbling has transpired. The meta-forums interface so seamlessly with what we think of as plausible that we don’t recognise them when we see them and we can’t tell once we’re in.** You can’t necessarily tell when someone else is in one either. It just looks like preoccupation—an obliviousness to the “real world.” But it also looks perfectly realistic, especially from the standpoint of the Star. Because fiction exists, and games exist, and there are all kinds of things you can get obsessed with on the internet and none of them especially challenge the laws of physics. They way you engage with the meta-forum doesn’t look different from how you’d engage with any other imaginary thing. Generally, it starts out as a game or an RP or a kind of choose-your-own-adventure story through which you get to know the characters and the basic setup. That setup presents itself very differently depending on what you’re into, but you’re usually given to understand that the Cardhouse produces very special magical items, and that you can help the Cardmaster gather ingredients for these items by undertaking quests or solving puzzles or making certain offerings or blending the perfect tea or getting your two favourite denizens to make kiss or doing whatever it is you’re doing that is “playing the game”. One denizen in particular serves as your primary contact and guide. You might also be given to understand that Cardhouse products are all a part of the ongoing effort to Fight The Encroaching Darkness. It’s a very all-consuming obsession, and while you’re immersed in you often ‘forget’ it isn’t real, but never in a way that raises any suspicion. For the most part, you know it’s just a game. And for some people that’s all it ever is, and they move on.

If you are destined to become a Star, however, at some point the game will change. One day, your denizen approaches you in great distress: the threat of the Encroaching Darkness, they say, is much worse than they had previously let on. The game might end, as if it had never been! You may well never see us again, in which case… farewell in advance! It will be a very moving performance, and naturally you, the potential Star, will be deeply upset by this news. If you’re right for the job you will offer up your assistance on the spot, unprompted. You will say the magic words. Is there anything you can do to help?

…Funny You Should Ask.

And now the denizen will lay it out: there is, in fact, a way. You may not know this, but you happen to be a very special sort of person: a Star sleeps within you—a great power—but its light is not for the human world. If you were to promise to fight on our behalf, we could help you unlock that power on the other side. You would swear fealty to the Cardmaster, pledging your light to the cause and security of our House, and help us to beat back the darkness. But be warned! It is no task for the faint of heart. You would be asked to undertake missions in the depths of the Wild Lands, where evils reign free. You would be placed in grave danger. So yes, you really could save us, but we would never ask anyone to accept such a burden! If however you should choose to do so….well. You would be richly rewarded.

If it’s gotten to this point, the potential Star (feeling very heroic) almost always accepts.They are assigned to a team and presented with a “cage” to help concentrate their powers and serve as a holding space for any magical items they’re give in Faerie. The cage exists between realms and the Star can access it from either side. Generally, the more they use their powers as a Star, the more it fills up with light for them to draw upon. Doing certain things in the Mundane however can cause that light to diminish or spill out, so they learn to avoid doing those things. Yet insofar as they are human, the Star still regards this all as a kind of fantasy. Insofar as they’re a fairy, however, it is very real. How any given Star rationalizes the paradox will vary, but at no point does the human fully “believe” that what’s happening is real. So a fissure develops between the two selves, and the more and more the Star invests in their fae identity, the deeper it splits them.

And here is the difficult part—the part no one understands. People often ask me what a Star’s human self is doing when they are a fairy. Are they sleeping? Unconscious? Physically elsewhere? Mentally dead? Sitting behind a computer screen as in hypnosis? All of those, possibly. None of those, necessarily. The trouble is that there’s not a one-to-one correspondence between time spent in Faerie and time spent in Reality, so it never maps on perfectly. It’s very difficult to make it add up: I don’t have a working model for this part at all.

But I do know this. When a Star is harvested, they are harvested whole. No one notices them go, and there is no body to find. Everything that ought to have been real about them has been redirected to the other side. They make ghosts of themselves. They split off without a trace.

——

*Oh, you might say, well if it’s as easy as believing…—no. Believing is far from easy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Not convinced? Then try! As an experiment: just try to alter your basic beliefs in what’s possible and what’s not. Tell yourself you might wake up in a flower tomorrow morning. It’s possible! Tell yourself the earth of flat (come on, really in vogue). Or tell yourself I’m right! Tell yourself believing makes any difference. COME ON JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,,,YOU CAN DO IT!! Ha. Of course you can’t. 

**This may appear to stand in contrast to more traditional fairy-lore, but I think it’s actually very much in line (and it’s one of the many reason I’ve chosen to call these creatures fairies). Sure, in those stories, the human usually knows that they’ve crossed into some kind of Other Realm and accepts the fairies as real, but none of that especially shocks them. They’re not experiencing any major paradigm shift: either they’re in an altered state or this encounter still falls well within their understanding of “plausible.” But their conceptions of plausibility will only stretch so far: they don’t understand that time is passing differently in the other realm, that a very alien set of “rules” governs the very fabric of it. The shock only comes when the person tries to leave Faerie as they would leave a party at someone’s house, and finds that they can’t. And it’s the same with Stars. Our notions of plausible versus implausible have shifted a little, so the trick happens at a different level, but it’s the same trick. The human has passed into foreign territory, but they’re still processing it in mundane terms, and consequently they won’t pick up on the most “unrealistic” aspects of the encounter (if ever) until it’s too late.

[project-sour-grapes]

Procrastination Feels Powerful

Yo, I'm procrastinating as fuck, fam.

Why do I do it? Usually when I procrastinate, I rush to do everything right before the deadline. And in those 3-4 hours up until the deadline, I feel like I am dialed. I'm excited about what I'm doing. I feel energized and engaged. Do I procrastinate to generate this feeling? A normal work pace doesn't seem to generate this excitement. Things seem more mundane, and I don't want to do them.

Is procrastination about artificially generating excitement?

Doing things at the expected pace is boring. Two chapters to read per week. One page written per day. X amount of Anki cards to review. Blah blah blah. I get so disengaged that I forget the purpose it all and then close my laptop and walk away. Likewise, doing what everybody else is doing is also boring. I'm going to have a job just to do some paperwork and close some tickets and debug some code ad nauseum? It's going to be the same type of tickets and the same dumb code every day? What's the point of all the rigor and perfection if it doesn't advance humanity? All this energy to stay in one spot? That's like training to run a marathon on an air conditioned treadmill. BORING. Procrastination then is an anti-solution to the lack of excitement. If we can't change the work, then we change the nature of the work. Is rushing to get something done in 10% of the time exciting? You bet. What a fun little race.

Isn't procrastination also about power?

When I procrastinate for a whole day, I feel powerful at two times during that day. First, I feel powerful when I'm not doing the task: I'm acting like it's not worth my time, like I'm above something so basic and boring, and like whoever assigned it to me doesn't deserve to dictate how I go about my work. My boss/professor/past-me can't tell me what to do. I will spend my day doing only what I want. Second, I feel powerful when I finally sit down to do it. It's like a challenge. I only have 3 hours to do what I was given 3 weeks to do? I can do that all right now. Because I am smart. I am powerful. So I'm feeling this jackassed sense of power the whole way and just not working--not doing anything to step toward my dreams. But in the short-term, when I watch all the Youtube I want and meme all the memes, I feel powerful. My brain looks at what I should do, says, "You can't make me," then does only what it wants. The problem is, that is trading short-lived power (and selfish, small-minded power at that) for long-term power, the power I get from actually reaching my goals and helping people the way I want to help them.

Maybe procrastination is about power and excitement. This is enticing for me, because I don't feel powerful in most other areas of my life. So if I can pull one over on the system by loafing, then I feel good. Again, that feelgood vibe is temporary. Borrowing from Tom Bilyeu, I'll feel good for 10 minutes, but maybe not as good in 10 hours. Then in 10 days, I'll feel even worse, having lost respect for myself for not accomplishing what I know I need to. I'm being the kid who eats the marshmallow right away.

What do I do about this then? Have different goals? Change how I interpret the power I feel when I put things off? Have more exciting goals? Tbh, I don't know. This one is a thinker. I've heard from all sorts of people that the goals that scare you are the ones that you need to accomplish. If they don't scare you, they're either too easy or they don't matter enough to elicit a reaction from you. You don't fear them. You nothing them. So I may need to find goals that excite me and that give real power to myself and to those around me. Whether that's still going into medicine or something else, TBD.